The 2018 First Year Issue

Vol. 147, No. 1

THE YALE

Aug. 31, 2018

RECORD

“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

chair@yalerecord.com

BLOW JOB INNOVATOR GOES DOWN ON HISTORY Dear Harry Potter

I can think of many uses for your invisibility cloak that you did not think of. Have you considered, for example, using it for evil?

Unconventional, I know, but give it some thought. You might be surprised!

Sincerely, Voldemort

STRIPED SCARF CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR WINTER Dear Voldemort,

Thank you for your letter.

Unfortunately I will not be using my invisibility cloak for evil, but I appreciate the suggestion. Have a nice day.

Cordially, Harry Potter.

Dear Abby,

My toes keep falling off. I think it is affecting my love life and also my balance.

Sincerely, Worried

ONLY IN NEW YORK! SUBWAY RAT EATS BABY Dear Worried,

Have you tried using hot glue?

Sincerely,

Abby

DOG WITH NO LEGS CONFUSINGLY MISSING Dear Abby,

I will try. Thank you for the Good Idea.

Sincerely, Worried

FOR SALE: Enough confidence to get you through your first month at Yale

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Dear Swiffer,

I recently purchased your Swiffer® WetJet™ mop, which I saw in a commercial that said “satisfaction guaranteed.” If satisfaction really is guaranteed, though, why am I still filled with these harrowing, harrowing regrets?

Sincerely, Greg

ENVIRONMENT WIN! THIS CONDOM DISSOLVES AS YOU USE IT Dear Swiffer,

I’m going on my 20th WetJet™ here and still find myself in the throes of self-loathing. What gives?

Surely a corporation as well established as yours would not stoop to the level of false advertising?

Sincerely, Greg

REPORT: NEW HAVEN PIGEONS MORE CONFIDENT THAN AVERAGE FIRST-YEAR Dear Swiffer,

Through my continued trust in your fine corporation I have purchased another 103 Swiffer® WetJets™, and I think I’m starting to see the appeal. The satisfaction is not derived from the WetJets™ themselves but from the grand phenomenological scale of the ritual imbuing the endeavor with a cosmic absurdity. Also, today I packed nothing but WetJet™ refills in my son’s lunch, which was pretty funny. Thanks Swiffer for another satisfied costumer.

Sincerely, Greg

Dear President Salovey,

Truth or Dare?

Dear Robby, Dare.

Sincerely, Robby

Sincerely, President Salovey

Dear President Salovey,

I dare you to pick your nose and eat it!

Sincerely, Robby Dear Robby,

I changed my mind-- truth.

Sincerely, President Salovey Dear President Salovey,

What are you doing to address the student income contribution?

Sincerely, Robby

Dear Robby,

Boogers taste quite nice.

Sincerely, President Salovey

— C. Gorman

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POINT: JUNK FOOD IS KILLING AMERICA COUNTERPOINT: MY DICK IS STUCK IN THIS VENDING MACHINE AND I NEED THE CALORIES TO SURVIVE Dear Penny,

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Sincerely, Nick L.

SO SAD: THE GUY WHO INVENTED THROWING AWAY ALL YOUR PENNIES DIED PENNILESS

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Dear son,

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be built upside down!

Sincerely Dad

IN IRONIC TWIST, LOCAL FISHERMAN GETS HOOKED ON PRESCRIPTION OPIATES

Check out our website, yalerecord.org,

Dear dad,

I really wish you would stop making jokes about my horrible genetic conditions.

Sincerely, Son

BIATHLON SKIER STOPS IN MIDDLE OF RACE TO SHOOT BIRD BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A BIATHLON IS

— S. Ruiz

for more hilarious content!

FOR SALE:

My tuition! But actually please help, I need help with this.

— C. Prendergast

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Dear Middle Schooler Auditing Econ 110,

It’s great to see you so excited about learning college level material.

You’re very lucky to have opportunities like this at such a young age.

Your friend, Michael

DON’T MEET YOUR HEROES: CHRIS PRATT TURNED OUT TO BE A TOTAL JERK WHEN I TRIED TO GIVE HIS SON A RIDE HOME FROM KINDERGARTEN

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Dear Michael,

You know what’s not great to see? Your patronizing attitude. It’s so sad to see someone who can’t recognize their entire failed adolescence as a sunk cost and who’s waste of an education is a perfect example of diminishing marginal returns for the less intelligent among us.

Yours in finance, Harry

ANNOYING STUDENT WHO ONLY WEARS T-SHIRTS FROM ALL THE OTHER COLLEGES HE’S BEEN ACCEPTED TO ACTUALLY KILLED A STUDENT FROM EACH SCHOOL AND TOOK THEIR SHIRT

MAN EXPECTS FREE TRIAL IN COSTLY LAWSUIT AGAINST HULU PLUS

IS THIS NEW CANCER DRUG A GAME CHANGER? NOT IF THE GAME IS SOCCER

—C. Gorman

— I. Almor

— C. Yang

Emmy Waldman ‘11

I

am leading a FOOT trip. I am doing this to become more attuned to the first-year psyche so that I may better pander to you, our audience. It is just another in a long list of sacrifices I’ve made for the Record, starting when I nailed myself to a cross in preparation for our ill-informed “Crazy About Christ” issue.

In the distance, I see my first-years sprinting towards me. Something is chasing them, but I am not worried. It is a metaphor. They are running from fear. The fear that they will not be “good” enough or “good-looking” enough or “smart” enough or “hot” enough or “sexy” enough. The fear that they will not belong. They are at once running from their past selves and chasing their future selves, who are themselves escaping past iterations and chasing future ones, the perpetual chain of evading and running after that muddles who we are at a given moment, which iteration of ourselves we inhabit.

All of this they say with their eyes. With their mouths, they are saying “bear.” And suddenly I see it. A rabid black bear is chasing them. It is a mirage. The bear is chasing me now and I am just as afraid as they are. It is a metaphor. I realize that two years at Yale have left me with more questions than answers, like “Who am I?” and “Where do I live?” I realize that my first-years aren’t running from the bear. They are running towards me and the answers that I am supposed to have but don’t. The bear was never there at all. It is just me and my first-years running from something we constructed, so I stop and turn around. I explain to them that I am them and they are me. I explain that what they are chasing they will never attain and what I am running from I will never escape, for we are sprinting in equal stride, in a sense one and the same yet irreconcilable, so we might as well stop running and enjoy where we are for a moment. It is beautiful. On our left is a babbling brook and on our right is a big-ass tree.

As we catch our breath, I explain to them that I am their mother, that they are sprinting towards the shelter of my womb in the face of the blinding and sterile light of the future, and that they are in turn my mother, as I constantly run from an artificial

T he F irst - year I ssue origin point in fear of stagnation. I explain that I am their FOOT leader only insofar as they are mine, and that my parents plan to sue the shit out of them when I break my leg on purpose for attention. Most importantly, though, I explain that they are the Editor in Chief of the Yale Record and that I am the editorial of the first-year issue and vice versa. I explain that we have been chasing each other for a long time, though now that we are finally here I am not sure what to say. They ask me if it isn’t a bit contrived to go meta in my first editorial, to which I point out they too have gone meta. They slap me across the face, for I have disrespected the Editor in Chief of the Yale Record. It feels good. It is a metaphor for harsh but just authority.

Finally, I work up the courage to ask them a question that has troubled me for a long time: is comedy just running away from something? Is comedy just running away from ourselves? They consult among themselves for a long time before responding yes, but why should it matter? If we are unhappy with ourselves, why not run away? It is an immature answer that reminds me that while they are all hot as hell, they are also young and dumb as bricks. Looking at them, though, I feel a deep pang of nostalgia for the iteration of myself that they represent, innocent and curious and sure that comedy will always be enough, so I start to chase them. I am yearning for the past which I chase as if it is the future and they are each running from me, a past-self chasing them for what they know and a future-self chasing them for what they don’t, and all of us are chasing you, because you are our audience and this whole shebang is for you. You being here lets us think we are chasing something and not just escaping ourselves, and for that we love you more than your parents do, probably. None of us have great Ellen Yang ’20 Chair

Elliot Connors ’20 Editor in Chief

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parents, so it’s hard to say.

Eventually my first-years recede from view and I realize I have lost them, an image of my former self which has faded beyond recognition. I stop and buckle over to vomit. It is a metaphor for me being unathletic. When I finally look up, I am face-to-face with the bear. It has eaten my first-years, but I am not alarmed. My first-years were never here at all. They were a metaphor. It was always just me and the bear. All these images of running and evading were me running circles around its pupils, trying to unspool whatever lay behind. We have been staring at each other for as long as I can remember, waiting for one of us to finally resign and walk defeated back into the darkness of the forest.

—E. Connors Editor in Chief

Jake Houston ’19 Online Editor in Chief

Chloe Prendergast ’20 Publisher

Noah Amsel ’20 Webmaster

Caleb Cohen ’21 Managing Editor

Dylan Schifrin ’20 Director of Online Content

Anastasia Dalianis ’21 Art Director

Simon Custer ’20 Business Manager

Brian Beitler MD ’22 Medical Counsel

Walker Caplan ’20 Online Managing Editor

Mariah Kreutter ’20 Managing Editor

Harry Rubin ’21 Managing Editor

Marcy Sanchez ’21 Design Editor

Maya Vasquez ’21 Design Editor

Maddy Blaney ’21 Staff Director

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Old Owl

Liz Kingsley ’19 Old Owl

Adam Lessing ’19 Old Owl

Vicky Liu ’19 Old Owl

Rishi Mirchandani ’19 Old Owl

Lane Unsworth ’19 Old Owl

Timur Guler ’18 Carina Hahn ’20 Sami Hakani ’18 Carter Helschien ’18 Alex Hoganson ’20 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19

Katie Kidney ’19 Laura Koech ’21 Dalia Moallem ’21 Veena Muraleetharan ’20 Leila Murphy ’19 Max Nobel ’21 Micah Osler ’18

Staff:

Contributors:

Colin Baciocco ’21 Emma Chanen ’19 Ethan Fogarty ’21 Sarah Force ’21 Sonia Gadre ’20 Andrew Gamzon ’20 Yonatan Greenberg ’21

Noah Rae-Grant ’18 Henry Robinson ’19 Sahaj Sankaran ’20 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19 Rachel Treisman ’19 Alissa Wang ’19

Jocelyn Wexler ’21 Ashton Winters ’20 Grace Wynter ’20 Andy Xie ’21 Jacob Yoder-Schrock ’21

Itai Almor ’20 Paige Davis ’21 Claire Gorman ’21 Molly Ono ’20 Sonia Ruiz ‘19 Catherine Yang ’19

Special thanks to: All the first-years harmed in the making of this issue, and to PETA for being so hands-off.

Front Cover: Michael Holmes ‘20, or as we like to call him, “Sherlock,” because of his last name.

Back Cover: Itai “Eat Eye”Almor ’20 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLVII, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2018 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

5 GUYS YOU’LL BOND WITH WHILE TOSSING A FRISBEE ON OLD CAMPUS Ben: Ben is the one guy in your froco group who thought to bring a disc, making him the default “cool guy.” You’re lucky to be one of the nine people he knows, giving him no choice but to talk to lowly disc-less riff-raff like you.

Roger: Though Roger isn’t usually a disc guy, he’s established himself as a regular of the OC recreation scene. Whenever Roger’s outside, he’s playing with something, be it a football, a volleyball, or an innocent animal that has happened upon the scene. Since you and Ben seem to be having such a great time, he’d love to take a break from rinsing the goat to give the ol’ plastic pancake a toss.

Eric: Eric might be the only one in Farnam less coordinated than you. He sucks at frisbee, but you have to admit, it’s kind of funny to watch him try and tie up the goat.

Austin: It’s always great to have a crafty friend like Austin around. He knows the best method for everything, whether it’s throwing his shoe at the perfect angle to dislodge the disc from a tree or cutting the goat lengthwise with his pocket knife so as not to rupture the trophy spleen.

Ben: Ever since Ben’s disc got chewed up, he’s been pretty much worthless, not to mention responsible for making the beast ritually impure before its slaughter. Looks like we’ll have to sacrifice him too. I guess it’s true what they say: every disc that goes up must come down. But boy, for one brief shining moment, that motherfucker soared.

— H. Rubin

BEST HANDJOB SPOTS ON CAMPUS In the library, near the books In your room, in the bed In the Film Center so that you both can watch Inside the Actors’ Studio In your professor’s house when they invite you for that end of semester dinner you know is gonna suck In the McCullough Student Center at Middlebury College.

That’s allowed because I never said which campus!

Out a window in Harkness Tower so that your semen gains enough speed on the descent to kill someone At Makeout Point — J. Houston

— I. Almor

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5 CLUBS YOU NEED TO JOIN FRESHMAN YEAR IF YOU WANT TO BE IN SKULL AND BONES 1. The Whiffenpoofs: Skull and Bones loves to tap people from the best-known groups on campus.

Be sure to keep an eye out for the “Whiffs” at the extracurricular fair! The historic a capella group is open to boys and girls of all skill and experience levels, and they just can’t wait to meet their next freshman class.

2. Jr. Skull and Bones: Although not every Sports Illustrated reader starts out by reading Sports Illustrated for Kids, most readers of Sports Illustrated for Kids end up reading Sports Illustrated. Most people who eat Whopper Juniors end up eating Whoppers, though some people jump straight to the Senior Whopper without having first eaten a Whopper Junior. Same idea with JS&B. 3. Boy Scouts of America: The Boy Scouts of America is one of the nation’s largest and most prominent valuesbased youth development organizations, providing programs for young people that build character.

Scouting is adventure, family, fun, leadership and so much more. In Scouting, boys and girls start with their best right-now selves and grow into their very best future selves. It’s fun, hands-on learning and achievement that puts kids in the middle of the action and prepares them for today – and for life.

Scout me in! To learn more, search your zipcode on www.scouting.org to get in touch with your local Scoutmaster today!

4. Sam’s Club: Do you really expect Skull and Bones to give you the time of day if you aren’t a member of America’s second largest membership-only bulk retail warehouse chain?

5. The Yale Record: Duh. How do you think we know so much about how to get tapped by Skull and Bones?

LC 209, Mondays at 9 p.m. ­— H. Rubin

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FRESHMAN SCREW RENAMED TO FIRSTYEAR FUCKATHON

By E. CONNORS AND A. KINNANE NEW HAVEN, CT — In accordance with the change from “freshman” to “first-year” enacted last year, Yale administrators announced this week that the annual “Freshman Screw” would be renamed “First-Year Fuckathon.”

“Times are changing, and now more than ever, gender inclusivity needs to be a priority,” said Dean of Student Affairs Camille Lizarribar. “The use of ‘freshman’ is outdated and perpetuates a toxic patriarchal culture that we need to dismantle. By changing ‘Freshman Screw’ to the ‘First-Year Fuckathon,’ we ensure that all gender identities are represented in this storied Yale tradition.”

The dance will feature all the classic trappings of a formal dance: photo booths, great music, and light refreshments. The only thing missing: problematic gender undertones.

“I was embarrassed to tell my friends from high school that I was going to an event with such an antiquated and misogynistic name as Freshman Screw,” said Matthew Pendergrass ‘20. “‘First-Year Fuckathon’ is a name I’m proud to call home about.”

The move comes after a number of peer institutions reformed traditions in recent years to promote gender inclusivity. At Harvard, the “Freshman Olympics” were rebranded as the “First-Year Olympics of Fucking.” Meanwhile, Brown changed its annual “Upperclassmen’s Ball” to “The Upper-Level Students’ Ball-Drain.” And perhaps most notably, at Columbia, the John Jay freshman dormitory was renamed to “The Fuck Palace.”

Lizarribar commended the First-Year Class Council’s work to enact the change. “It just goes to show what can be accomplished when you get everybody in the same room and the juices start flowing.”

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BOY, I CAN’T WAIT TO MAKE TONS OF FRIENDS AND NEVER FEEL INFERIOR OR ALONE AT ALL FIRST SEMESTER

Can you believe it, you guys? I’m going to Yale.

The Yale College. A subset of The Yale University. An operating subsidiary of The Yale Corporation. Yale Class of 2022! Woohoo!!!

There are so many reasons I’m excited for school to start: the incredible residence halls, the world-class professors, the wonderfully seasoned food. But the thing I’m most excited for is the opportunity to forge lifelong relationships! I’ve already met so many close friends through the Class of 2022 Facebook page who I can’t imagine my life without. It’s going to be so great to finally meet them in person! We’re going to party together all the time and never drink to forget!

And sure, there was that whole catfishing situation, but I’m over it. Some people are still upset with me, but if they can’t handle a harmless joke, I don’t want to be their fake girlfriend anyways. As for my legitimate romantic interests, I know Trevor from Bulldog Days is gonna hit me up at some point. Who knows, maybe we’ll get married? Haha, wouldn’t that be so crazy and stupid and crazy? Maybe my roommate will be my maid of honor!

Haha, I’m so crazy, right? Say it. Just say I’m crazy. I fucking dare you.

High school was rough, because my friends and I were always super busy and so we never hung out. But college definitely won’t be like that! Everyone lives together so how could you not see your friends around, right? And plus, my suitemates already promised in the Bingham C31 GroupMe that we’re gonna get dinner together at least 4 times a week. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but I’m reserving the other 3 for FOOT reunions!

The best part about college is that there won’t be any academic grandstanding or masturbatory intellectualism.

Classes will be about really digging into the material and making genuine, insightful comments. Especially if I’m in a class with Trevor. Did I mention he wants to major in Ethics, Politics, AND Economics. How cool is that?!

Deep down, I know everything won’t be perfect. I know that my FroCo group might not be receptive to the idea of going to Cabo together during fall break. I know that for every culturally respectful, locally sourced dish that Yale Dining provides, they might serve one that is a bit under-seasoned. And most of all I know that there will be moments here when, surrounded by such boundless talent and intelligence, I will feel more worthless than ever before. But through it all, I will find ways to remind myself that I am just as competent and empowered as everyone else here. Because at the end of the day, isn’t that what catfishing is all about?

— M. Vasquez

“JUST TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT THOUGHT FOR A SECOND,” REPORTS FIRST-YEAR SEMINAR STUDENT, ABOUT TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT THOUGHT FOR A SECOND

By C. COHEN NEW HAVEN, CT — When Alex McNeil JE ‘22 began shopping his first-year seminar, “Art of the Science of the Modern Technology of Public Policy and Health,” he knew that in order to contribute to class discussions, he would need to overcome the obstacle of “not knowing anything at all.” McNeil thus pioneered a method of reiterating classmates’ observations under the guise of expanding upon their claims. He put the technique into practice Tuesday, announcing that he was “just going to piggyback off that last point for a quick second.”

“I really found my niche in class when I started paraphrasing other, smarter students’ comments to give the illusion of meaningful contribution,” said McNeil. “Yale really isn’t so hard when you just give it somebody else’s all.”

While some classmates have embraced McNeil’s technique, and, in the true spirit of piggybacking, coopted it as their own, others have expressed frustration. “Whenever Alex says he’s about to piggyback off what was just said for a second, we know he’s not going to bring any new insights to the table,” said Daniel Baron, a fellow first-year. “He’s just wasting our time with inane redundancy.”

“Yeah and just to go off that point, I totally agree with Daniel’s description of how I piggyback off other people’s thoughts,” responded McNeil after holding his hand in the air for the duration of Baron’s comment. “This has kind of already been said but I guess I was just going to say that my classmates seem frustrated when I paraphrase their earlier comments and thus squander their time with superfluity.”

When reached for comment, McNeil’s professor Jane Cruz said that it would be improper and wholly unprofessional for her to disparage the contributions of any individual student in her class. “All I can really say,” continued Cruz, “is that I’d rather listen to Alex McNeil regurgitate others’ ideas than be subject to his original thought, although my first choice would be to never hear his whiny, idiot voice say anything at all.”

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GHEAV AND GHELL Come close young frosh and listen well, To the ancient tale of GHeav and GHell, For though the sign hath been transformed The same dark fate must be forewarned.

GHeav is where we go to snack, To chomp and chew and swallow and smack.

We get a Hungryman to eat, A hot and tasty midnight treat.

GHeav is good and full of light For when you need that midnight bite, But yea, for doth a dark twin dwell In that same spot—the cursed GHell.

GHell’s the dark and blighted seat Of food you’ll crave but must not eat.

In metal troughs you’ll see it lie And think “Looks good enough to try.

The line is long yet here’s no wait.

I’ll go ahead and fill a plate.”

But listen up you little fucker, There’s nothing that’s more gross or yuck-er, For though it’s in our blessed heaven You stay the fuck away from there, Kevin.

No Yalie ever born or bred Has eaten from that trough of dread.

Yet every night the food’s still there, Fermenting in the midnight air, Confirming all our greatest fears That it’s been there near thirty years.

So go to GHeav, young first-year And eat your sandwich well.

But you’d do well to steer far clear Of that foredoomed GHell.

— A. Chase

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WHAT DOES YOUR FAVORITE YALE STUDY SPACE SAY ABOUT YOU? Bass Library – You’re dedicated! You need a quiet study space to maintain that 4.0! Go you!

Maison Mathis – You like to treat yourself! And yes, trying everything on the menu DOES count as research!

Blue State Coffee – You’re a social butterfly! You love running into friends while you work, and the ambient noise helps you think.

Sterling Stacks – You’re meditative. You like to look out over Yale’s campus while you study. Watch the people. Learn their patterns.

Center for Teaching and Learning – You’re collaborative.

You work best in a group study room. A private room.

A soundproof room. A room where nobody would be able to hear their screams. Hell, they had it coming The writing was on the walls. Or are they windows?

Dammit, all the rooms in the CTL are transparent.

Back to the drawing board.

Your Dorm Room – You’re introverted. Sometimes you need to be alone with your thoughts. Goddamnit, you just need a minute to figure this all out. You’re so close you can taste it, but there can’t be any loose ends. No evidence. Nothing to tie you to the scene.

The Secret Steam Tunnels – You’ve waited so long for this moment. Watching and waiting. Waiting and watching. You’ve been off the grid for 72 hours, living in the steam tunnels and eating the unrefrigerated sushi you guest-swiped from Durfee’s before spring break. You never knew imitation crab could rot, but then again, you never thought you’d make it this far. Everyone thinks you’re in Manhattan for the weekend—the perfect alibi. You even left a Chelsea gallery-hopping travel guide on your desk. Yes, everything is in place. You wait in silence, looking up through the grates of a manhole outside Bass.

10:53 PM. Any moment now. Suddenly, you hear the sound of footsteps—somehow, you know it’s him.

You can sense it. Poor kid, you think. If only he had a friend with him. If only he had one fucking friend.

Starbucks – You’re a jitterbug! You need a little caffeine to get those mental gears turning!

— P. Davis

— C. Cohen

Open seven days a week

Lunch Dinner Late Night

Enjoy two large screen TVs in our back room!

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HANDS ON LEARNING FTW! SHELLY KAGAN JUST RAN OVER FIVE PREFROSH WITH A TROLLEY Get ready to feel inspired, because this Yale professor just took interactive learning to a whole new level! If you’ve ever heard of the “Trolley Problem,” you know it’s a theoretical quandary that philosophers have debated in the abstract for years; that is, until Shelly Kagan brought it to life for his 2018 Bulldog Days Master Class by running over five Yale prefrosh with an actual trolley!

Hell yeah! Hands on learning for the win!

In the “Trolley Problem,” you, a bystander, can either watch five people get hit by a rogue trolley, or take matters into your own hands by pulling a lever and redirecting it to hit just one. Tricky to wrap your head around, right?

Not for Shelly Kagan! Every year, the renowned ethics professor has taught a Bulldog Days Master Class on the classic thought experiment. But this year, Shelly decided to kick things up a notch, really driving home the moral implications of such a decision.

“I need 7 volunteers,” Kagan announced to the class, as he picked a handful of lucky students from the crowd in Battell Chapel and brought them up on stage. He instructed five to lay down stage left and one to lie down stage right, telling them not to move under any circumstances. He then positioned the seventh pre-frosh behind the lever and recapped her options.

Finally, Shelly uncovered a massive cloaked streetcar in front of the lectern and yelled, “Class of 2022, behold my trolley!” before boarding the vehicle and mowing down future Bulldogs Mike, Tara, Susan, Molly, and George. To really drive his point home, Shelly even ran over the sixth pre-frosh that was supposed to be lying on a different track, and was making his way for the kid operating the lever before he ran out of gas and threw a temper tantrum. Cool!

Prospective students loved the demonstration. “I didn’t really understand what it would mean to be a bystander in the Trolley Problem until Professor Kagan pulverized my new friends with his big bus of destruction” said one pre-frosh. “I can’t wait to see what he does with Schrodinger’s Cat!” Best of all, five more students off the waitlist will now have the chance to experience one of Kagan’s incredible lectures first-hand. Talk about an ethics lesson! Keep it up, Shelly.

— S. Force

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FIVE EASIER WAYS YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO YALE 1. Pretended to be an awarded polo player: Most people don’t know how polo works, so if you had insisted on taking your campus tour atop a beautiful steed you brought from home, you probably would have gotten recruited on the spot.

2. Nailed your interview. Before your interview, you should have done a mock-interview with someone you admire, like a parent or an esteemed diplomat, killed them, and worn their skin like a suit so as to impersonate someone admirable. After all, the key to a successful interview is being comfortable in your own new skin.

3. Listed Morse on Airbnb and then booked it from August to May. It’s not like anyone else wants to live there.

4. Written your essay about the summer you spent volunteering in Costa Rica. The insights you learned from those villagers were far more valuable than anything you could have offered them in return, except maybe clean water, or cash.

5. Been creative, followed your passions, and pursued things even if your teachers or the College Board disapproved. Legacies can get away with shit like that.

— Y. Greenberg

— S. Ruiz

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Design: M. Abuzalaf

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Students Finalize Masturbation Schedules, Settle Into A Comfortable Rhythm

By G. Wynter NEW HAVEN, CT — By the second week of September, Yale undergraduates had submitted their final academic schedules to the University Registrar. Subsequently, students were able to finalize their masturbation schedules as early as the third week of school.

After weeks of shopping time slots throughout the day, colloquially known as “Blueballing,” most Yalies were able to identify a two- to three-hour block which fit into their schedules. First-year students required the signatures of their counselors, faculty advisors, and most importantly, roommates. Students living in single rooms were able to pre-register as early as September 2.

Yale sets itself apart from other large universities by allowing students to finalize their masturbation schedules in the first two weeks of the fall semester, rather than in the summer or even the spring term.

“Some of my friends from high school were forced into choosing a schedule before they even knew their room layout!” a bewildered freshman reflected. “I was able to take my time and discover what really worked for me.

Yale really beats off the competition.”

However, not every student is a fan of this delayed gratification.

“It’s hard, trying to balance so many potential combinations,” one student confided to The Record. “Sometimes I wish it were more straightforward.”

Students will retain their academic and masturbatory schedules until the completion of the fall term.

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BRIGHT FRESHMAN YEAR Bright freshman year, with freshmen rife, When freshness is a way of life.

The Harkness bells to wake you up And lukewarm beer to fill your cup.

You´re playing frisbee on the quad.

You´re putting up a cool facade.

Valedictorian boasts are boasted Until “a new grade has been posted.”

The jaded sophomores run amok.

They’re way too alt to give a fuck.

But don’t blame Nietzsche or Donald Trump, It’s just the inevitable Sophomore Slump.

The more you look, the more you’ll see That juniors join the bourgeoisie.

They use LinkedIn and feign propriety But still freak out about society.

And senior year is bittersweet Since so much still feels incomplete.

Before you know it, you’ll be forty, So why not try a quick Yale orgy?

And after Yale, should troubles rise To cloud the blue of sunny skies, Where’er upon life’s sea we sail We’ll always have our Yale email.

— N. Amsel WAYS GOING TO OFFICE HOURS IS LIKE GOING ON A FIRST DATE Nobody wants to be there.

You will inevitably say something incredibly stupid.

Always either longer or shorter than it should be.

You’ll overanalyze whatever happened for days afterwards.

Someone’s usually way too into it.

You’ll never leave completely satisfied.

One person always dumps all their problems on the other.

My parents keep telling me to go more often.

You know it’s futile before you leave the house.

No one on the Record has ever gone to office hours.

— Staff

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— M. Ono

— S. Ruiz

T heTChe orporate A merica F irst - year I ssue I ssue

WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM MY COUNTLESS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS AT YALE

Ah, Yale hookup culture. A tradition as old as coeducation, which is to say, not very old. As someone wellendowed in this area, as well as other areas, namely, my genitals, I feel obliged to impart wisdom on incoming firstyears, so that they too may fuck their way through this crazy little place we like to call Yale. Follow these four steps, tried and tested by yours truly, and you’ll be having sex in no time!

1. Looking for a spot to make the first move? Take them to Toad’s Place! As a veritable hookup fiend who regularly throws caution to the wind and has sex on a school night, I know that Toad’s Place is a concert venue and nightclub located in New Haven, Connecticut, popular among Yale students for its exclusive Wednesday night dance parties. I don’t know how I’d make it through the most erotically charged day of the week without a good fuck at Toad’s!

2. While you’re dancing with your crush, you’ll want to have some conversation starters handy. For instance, ask them what their favorite fruit is. Then, before they have a chance to answer, say “Mine’s a Cum-quat” and make intense eye contact. If they don’t laugh, say it louder to make sure they heard you over the music.

If they still don’t laugh, write “Cum-quat” on a piece of paper and hand it to them: they’re probably more of a visual gag person.

3. If things are still going well at this point, then it’s time to take them to your dorm. One subtle way to hint that you’re ready to go all in with your crush is to very discreetly make your genitals the center of attention.

Try bending over as if you are out of breath because of your genitals and then pointing to them, like “Can you believe this? Oh well, what are you going to do!” Conversely, fan your genitals with your hands to show your crush that things are heating up, since this is what happens to one’s genitals when they become aroused. I will not be taking any questions about this.

4. By now, the two of you are definitely down, so I don’t need to tell you what happens next. Or do I? You seem pretty out of the loop, re: fucking. You know

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what, why don’t you explain to me what happens next, just so I can tell you’ve been paying attention.

Obviously I know what happens, having fucked before and being ever so likely to fuck again, but I want you to send me a step-by-step run-down of the whole shebang to make sure we’re on the same page.

And hell, why don’t you draw some diagrams in there just so I know you really get it. Things can get pretty complicated “in the sack” and I want to make sure we’re sympatico. Then maybe you can come over to my dorm next Wednesday after the dance club closes and we can discuss your work. Have I mentioned that my genitals are absolutely steaming right now?

— M. Blaney 7 SIGNS YOUR ROOMMATE HAS A FOOT FETISH 1 He closes his eyes and slowly whispers “yum plus yum equals yum” to himself before every meal.

2. He asked you to send him a picture of your nice fat backpack while you were studying last night.

3. He sleeps with his two favorite tortillas he saved and named Rick and Torty.

4. He refuses to shower alone to “save water.”

5. While on his way to Woolsey for commencement, he dropped his pants, took a sizeable dump in front of Woodbridge Hall, buried it with a handful of his prized New England mulch, and walked away muttering “Leave no trace.”

6. He keeps saying nut-free granola won’t be nut-free for long if he’s around.

7. He calls his friends from FOOT his “toes.” What the fuck is that all about?

— S. Force

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FROCO SPINS HIGHLY SPECIFIC PERSONAL FAILURE INTO MEDIOCRE AND ONLY TANGENTIALLY RELEVANT ADVICE Alright, friends! Now that we’ve exhausted all of our fun facts, identified who has famous parents, and finally finished our 9-hour game of human knot—sorry again for the dislocated shoulder, Mike; way to take one for the team!—it’s time for me to answer the questions I had you whisper in my ear at the beginning of our meeting. First up: Is it okay to reinvent yourself in college?

Of course it is! In fact, that question reminds me of my own journey. It was the summer before my first year, and I was going to an admitted students meetup. I was so excited to meet my future classmates and impress them with my inspiring Common App essay about being the first person ever cut from my school’s intramural ESports team.

I had meticulously pressed my chinos and practiced my greeting over and over again: “Bow WOW, what a fine looking group of Yalies!” I thought I was ready for anything. But as soon as I walked into that coffee shop and saw my future classmates, I choked. Everything I had practiced started to slip away from me, just like the Wii remote that fractured Chris Coomb’s clavicle at my first and last ESports tournament.

“WHAT’S POPPIN’ MOFO’s? THE NAME’S C-DAWG,” I yelled, proceeding to pantomime a far too lengthy guitar solo to the tune of “Cowboy” by Kid Rock.

Where I learned that move or that song, I will never know.

Ever since that day, “C-Dawg” has consumed every part of my life at Yale. When I was Chase, I got 8 hours of sleep every night. C-Dawg, on the other hand, says that sleep is for “little cucklords.” Whereas Chase cared about his schoolwork, C-Dawg only cares about doing finger guns and keeping the stickers on his snapback hats.

Chase was a God-fearing Catholic; C-Dawg is a Godless Presbyterian.

C-Dawg refers to himself as “Big Papa,” wears deep v-neck shirts, and has a “sick vape collection.” He is a crime fighting vigilante who takes justice into his own hands. He is at once everything that Chase feared and everything that Chase wanted. And if I’m being completely honest with you, C-Dawg killed Chase. Chase isn’t here anymore. And I fear myself. I fear what I have become.

So, yeah, it’s totally possible to reinvent yourselves.

Enjoy duty tonight. C-Dawg makes a mean pancake.

—A. Zbornak

FIRST-YEAR HAS FIRM CONCEPTUAL GRASP OF THE MALE PENIS

By L. KINGSLEY OLD CAMPUS — Bonding with her new suitemates Saturday night, first-year Julia Karp, ES ‘22, demonstrated an impressive albeit entirely conceptual grasp of the male penis.

As the six young women discussed Kierkegaardian existentialism and “girl stuff” in their Lawrance Hall common room, Karp stood out for her ability to abstractly describe a theoretical penis. Her insights spanned the form and function of the organ.

“She told us that it’s cylindrical mostly, and that it expands and contracts sometimes,” reported suitemate Rebecca Liu, also ES ‘22.

“The description of ‘a fifth limb, but smaller’ really helped us visualize it, though the question remains: does it have fingers?”

Karp went on to describe how some see the penis as an object of sexual desire, asking if there were “any such pervs among us.” The lecture culminated in the mock circumcision of a cucumber.

“We’re still not sure how a guy can pee and ejaculate out of the same hole, or even what ejaculating is, but thanks to Julia, we have the basic facts down, and that’s much more than I could say yesterday,” lauded suitemate Noelle Porter.

Though Karp’s friends appreciated her understanding, some left unsatisfied. “It just wasn’t the grasp I was looking for,” reported Tyler Rubin, JE ‘22, noting that he had fortunately ejaculated during the presentation nonetheless.

Still, Porter was emphatic in her praise: “For never having seen a penis, Julia did a fantastic job. I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about testicles.”

he F a shion I ssue I ssue T he CTorporate A merica

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13 OFF-THE-BEATEN-PATH SPOTS YOU’LL SEE ON “THE SHERMANATOR’S TOUR OF YALE”

SOPHISTICATED FIRST-YEAR LOVES TO GO OUT, ALSO LOVES TO STAY IN

1. The ditch behind the Shops at Yale™ where Yale Security found Sherm draped in a Room Essentials™ twin XL fitted sheet with 11 stab wounds and no kidneys.

By M. KREUTTER

2. Sherm’s dorm, where his roommate Kevin was told that, “Sherm won’t be back anytime soon. Can we borrow his Room Essentials™ twin XL fitted sheet?”

3. The antiquated HGS cage-elevator where Sherm was stabbed by his Econ TA and acid dealer because one kidney is never enough.

4. The Center for Innovation, Engineering, and Design, a hub for collaborative design and interdisciplinary activity not visited on the traditional Yale campus tour.

5. The computer lab in Connecticut Hall where Sherm (at the height of his trip) sold one kidney to his Econ TA for bitcoin.

6. The astronomy observatory, where the stars arranged themselves into “Bitcoin 4 Kidneys” right before Sherm’s acid-dilated baby blues.

7. The Whale, specifically the blood-red stripe on the ice where the Zamboni swallowed the maintenance guy.

8. The Whale, where Sherm and the maintenance guy shared a candlelit zamboni ride: no more, no less.

9. The booth at Yorkside, where Sherm and the maintenance guy Lady and the Tramped some buff mozz sticks.

10. The sewage drain, where Sherm dropped acid with his new friend, the Yale Maintenance guy.

11. The sewage drain, where Sherm dropped his acid tab and had to call Yale Maintenance to retrieve it.

12. The Econ section where Sherm’s TA was raving about blockchain cryptocurrency.

13. Sherm’s plot in the Grove Street Cemetery, where a single flower, life, has sprung anew.

— Staff

NEW HAVEN, CT — Departing from decades’ worth of sociological paradigms, first-year Caroline Wu TC ‘22, announced to her suitemates Tuesday that she both loves to go out and loves to stay in.

“I actually really like getting lit at SigNu or LEO on a Friday night, but sometimes I just want a quiet night in with a few friends and some Netflix!” said Wu, unwittingly shattering a binary that has governed Yale social life since the university’s inception. “I know it sounds crazy, but I really do enjoy multiple kinds of activity.”

“I’ve never met anyone as nuanced as Caroline,” reported suitemate Tanisha Williams. “Personally, I can’t imagine doing anything on a Friday night besides reading Jane Austen in my jammies and listening to Bright Eyes. I would only consider drinking if my two close friends pressured me into trying some kind of Vinyasa and Vino yoga situation with them. So for Caroline to enjoy both partying and relaxing in her suite honestly blows my fucking mind.”

Williams’ and Wu’s other suitemate, Allison Bornetti, could not be reached for comment, as she lives in the Zeta basement and only surfaces on the third Monday of each month to stock up on Four Loko and molly.

According to Wu, she developed her radically intersectional identity over the course of a unique childhood in Fairfield, Connecticut, where, unlike most teenagers, she experienced both “lit house parties” and “chill girls’ nights” in equal measure.

In Fairfield, Wu also developed an uncommon reputation as both a “guy’s girl” and a “gal for life,” equipping her to bridge the gender divide at Yale as a future social chair of Kappa Alpha Theta.

Several students confirmed that Wu consistently refers to herself as an “ambivert” and has both her Meyers-Briggs personality type and her zodiac sign in her Instagram bio. At press time, Wu was torn between majoring in Global Affairs and Economics, yet again caught in the throes of being at once “such a left brain” and “SUCH a right brain.”

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HOW SOON IS TOO SOON TO ASK IF YOUR ROOMMATE WAS ALSO A VALEDICTORIAN?

It’s something we’ve all been through. You and your roommate have been living together for 36 hours and it’s become almost impossible to ignore the massive elephant in the room. You killed as much time as you could by talking about the admitted students’ days at other colleges you were accepted to, stripping naked and comparing the sizes of your Intel Science Fair trophies, etc. But it’s been eating you up inside, and finally you just have to ask: is your roommate also a valedictorian? Here are some tips on how to navigate “The Talk.”

1. Make sure you are both comfortable enough with each other to have “The Talk.” It’s important to show your roommate you have a vulnerable side before revealing the full extent of your megalomania.

Try telling them about some bullshit time when you experienced failure and how you pretended to learn from it, like when you were doing a group presentation and realized you couldn’t do it all by yourself because your group was greater than the sum of its parts but also because everyone was required to present at least one slide so you stood in the back of the room with phonetic cue cards and hoped that Brett wouldn’t butcher the pronunciation of “momentous” as badly as he did in rehearsal. See - social interaction isn’t all that different from writing your application essays!

2. Read the room(mate). You might be able to gauge whether your roommate was a valedictorian just from context clues. For example, tell them your favorite song is “Pomp and Circumstance” and that you need to listen to it every night in order to fall asleep. If your roommate does not immediately echo this sentiment and don their graduation robes as pajamas, chances are they weren’t a valedictorian.

You can tell for sure by staying awake and listening to see if they recite their valedictory address in their sleep. If they don’t, either they’re not a valedictorian or Pavlov was full of shit!

3. Play it cool. While saying something like “Please tell me you were worthwhile enough as a human being to be your high school valedictorian, like me” seems polite because you said “Please,” such

direct phrasing might come off as rude. Instead, try saying something a bit more passive, like “Hey. Just wondering if you felt like telling me if you were valedictorian or not. Okay, never mind. I’m sorry I even asked.” The best way to be polite is to always apologize in advance for everything.

Now here’s the difficult part: What if your roommate isn’t a valedictorian? Well, first off, you can always hope they went to one of those wishy-washy snowflake high schools that don’t have ranks or valedictorians because they’re worried about “anxiety” and “depression.” But even then, you’ll have no way to assure that they would’ve been valedictorian if their school did have them. Worse comes to worst, remember that being valedictorian isn’t everything. Because at the end of the day, if they’re not a valedictorian, it means their parents have a lot of money. And isn’t that what matters most of all?

— H. Rubin THE 5 BIGGEST LIFE EXPERIENCES I LEFT OUT OF MY “HOMETOWN” ON FOOT My tonsil surgery. Still really hard to talk about.

The death of my mother. People were bringing up stuff like “my dog died” and I decided to let them revel in their pity victories.

The numerous times I had sex in high school. It was clear no one else had experienced the glorious joys of fucking, and I wanted to fit in.

When my older brother gave me a bong for Christmas.

Honestly just totally forgot about this one, might send a follow-up message in the GroupMe about it.

The time I thought Mark’s mom was coming on to me. It was a big moment in my life, and the time discovered I wasn’t into older women, but I pinkypromised Mark I wouldn’t tell anyone.

— S. Custer

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COLLEGE IS THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE

What they say is true: College is the best time of your life. It’s better than the day you learned how to draw a hand turkey in Ms. Helmholtz’s kindergarten class. All you had to do was trace your hand, and suddenly, you had created life. It was so simple. College isn’t so simple, but it’s better than that day.

College is better than your first trip to Holiday World and Splashin’ Safari theme park in Santa Claus, Indiana. When your parents tried to take you home, you screamed for so long that they were arrested by a security guard dressed like an elf. He had a gun. You will never scream out loud in college.

College is better than the time you’ll propose to the love of your life. It’s better than the first time you’ll play catch with your son, especially if he sucks at catching.

Why make meaningful human connections when you can shotgun a Four Loko behind the Stiles dumpster? Why be lulled to sleep by the gentle breathing of a loved one when you can pass out on your suitemate’s futon after four doses of Adderall?

College is better than the day you’ll get into an extended and pointless argument with your wife. You will win, which will feel good. You will be so proud that you won’t be able to think about anything else. You will be so happy that you will celebrate with the bottle. It will remind you of college, when you drank to remember.

— D. Schifrin

AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DJ ACTION!

You’ve received his unsolicited emails. You’ve heard him make that scratchy “rreeeeerrrr” sound between “Living on a Prayer” and “Despacito.” Now it’s time to hear from the man himself: the mysterious DJ Action of Toad’s Place!

The Record: Mr. Action, it’s such a pleasure to sit down with you today.

DJ Action: Yes, I’m just happy I could find the time to take a break from spinning all your favorites to talk.

TR: First on the docket: Who designs your emails?

DA: We have a very good, not excellent, but very good, graphic designer from the Yale School of Art do all the emails. We pay her $150K per year plus benefits and it’s worth every penny.

TR: You probably get this question all the time, but do your friends call you DJ Action too?

DA: Though my mother named me DJ Action, during the day, I usually just go by my nickname, Peter.

TR: What’s your favorite thing about being a DJ? DA: I think the challenge of crafting the perfect playlist for today’s teens really heightens my emotional intelligence.

TR: And what’s your least favorite thing about being a DJ? DA: The turntables never stop spinning, no matter how much I beg them.

TR: Great. So do you have another job during the day?

DA: During the day, I have a side hustle as the president of a private research university in Connecticut.

Hopefully I’ll see some of my students from the DJ booth tonight! The Toad will be hopping!

— S. Force

JUDAIC STUDIES - Fall 2018 Course Offerings BIBLICAL JDST 110/RLST 145/ JDST 701/RLST 763/HUMS 133 The Bible, Christine Hayes T Th 11:35am-12:50pm ANCIENT JDST 391/ JDST 736/ NELC 381/ NELC 701/ RLST 746 Midrash Seminar: The Exodus from Egypt Steven Fraade, Th 9:25am-11:15am MEDIEVAL & EARLY MODERN JDST 270 / HIST 232J / HUMS 443 / MMES 342 / RLST 201 Medieval Jews, Christians, and Muslims In Conversation, Ivan Marcus W 9:25am-11:15am JDST 371 / JDST 801 / HIST 250J / HIST 599 Medieval Jewish History: 800–1500 CE, Micha Perry Th 3:30pm-5:20pm JDST 373/WGSS 244/ ER&M 244/PORT 321/ RLST 351 Race, Religion, and Sex in the Inquisition, Igor De Souza MW 1pm-2:15pm MODERN JDST 219 / RLST 450/ PHIL 403/ RLST 880/ JDST 860/ PHIL 603 Spinoza and the God of the Bible, Nancy Levene W 3:30-5:20pm JDST 221 / PHIL 365 Critical Humanist and Jewish Philosophies of Technology, Nadav Berman Shifman MW 2:30pm-3:45pm JDST 222 /PHIL 308/ HUMS 246 Philosophy of Love, Asaf Angermann Th 1:30pm-3:20pm JDST 335 / PHIL 274/ GMAN 254/ RLST 249 Jewish Philosophy, Paul Franks WF 9am-10:15am LANGUAGE & LITERATURE JDST 213 / HEBR 504/ HEBR 150 / MMES 150 Advanced Modern Hebrew: Daily Life in Israel, Orit Yeret MW 11:35am-12:50pm JDST 296 / MMES 256/ LITR 443 State and Religion in Israel, Hannan Hever & Yair Asulin T 3:30pm-5:20pm JDST 319 / HEBR 162/ HEBR 519/ MMES 161/ JDST 835 Israel in Ideology and Practice, Dina Roginsky TTh 1pm-2:15pm HEBR 158/JDST305 Contemporary Israeli Society in Film, Shiri Goren TTH 11:35-12:50 HEBR 160/JDST 360 Hebrew in a Changing World, Dina Roginsky TH 1:00-2:15 JDST 339 Introduction to Modern Hebrew Literature Hever, Hannan 2:30-4:20pm T JDST 416 / GMAN 102 Reading Yiddish, Joshua Price Th 1:30pm-3:20pm _____________________________________________________________

Program in Judaic Studies Yale University 451 College St., Rm. 301 New Haven, CT 06511 Tel – (203)432-0843, Fax – (203)432-4889 www.judaicstudies.yale.edu