The Fight the Power Issue

Vol. 141, No. 8

TH E YALE

April 30, 2013

RECORD

History of Revolutions Written by Staff Designed by S. Shea

2678 BC

4.5 BILLION BC

Coalition of celestial objects band together to form Earth, complete first revolution around sun.

65 MILLION BC

The Hadro-Ceratop Saurus Alliance overthrows the Tyranno-Raptor DinoFaction, at last bringing peace to an era of worldwide turmoil. A rogue celestial object attacks the Earth Coalition the next day, killing everyone anyway.

Dogs stop talking and begin barking in a symbolic protest of their lack of political voice.

1446 BC

Ramses II releases the Israelites from slavery after Moses’ 11th plague: genital herpes.

1215

England’s King John puts his stamp on the Magna Carta, thinking it was the prostitute invoice for his crrrrraaazy 30th birthday bash.

1776

Thomas Paine publishes Common Sense, a pamphlet containing a guide to laundering white knickers, a list of the hottest meatale pairings of the year, and an argument in favor of the Colonies’ declaring independence from Britain.

1932

William Taft Elementary School discontinues “Fishstick Friday” due to budgetary concerns.

Mrs. Walter’s 3rd grade class takes advantage of dodgeball day to stage a coup.

1997

Flash mob quickly overthrows American government, then promptly continues with everyday life.

2006

Chevy: An American Revolution.

1963

Buddhist monk Quang Duc sets self on fire to protest persecution of Buddhists by the South Vietnamese government; video footage later used in viral Doritos ad.

1982

Inconsiderate man jaywalks outside Tiananmen Square.

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Are you blind?

Yours, Ron

“NEW JOURNAL” ARTICLE ON HOMELESSNESS EVEN MORE IGNORED THAN THE HOMELESS Dear Hollywood, Have I got a pitch for you! Here it is: a young, innocent Transformer girl is the secretary for a mysterious, handsome billionaire Transformer. One evening, he invites her to his penthouse garage, but reveals that his basement is actually a repair shop, and that she’s been a very bad little robot and/or helicopter. From there, it’s basically straight porn.

Yours, Michael “50 Shades of Bay” Bay

RESEARCHERS FIND FOLKS WHO SAVE HUNDREDS BY SWITCHING TO GEICO ARE “HAPPIER THAN STARVING CHILDREN IN SOMALIA” Dear Dr. Green, I’m so excited for my surgery! Just want to confirm that it’s ok for me to play baseball after you operate.

Yours, Johnny, age 8 Dear Johnny, Yes, if you can do it with one arm.

—Dr. Green

NEW SECURITY MEASURES FORCE CIA TO UPDATE PASSWORD FROM “PASSWORD” TO “PASSWORD1234”

Dear Dan Brown, For an author of best-selling thriller novels, you sure have a boring name.

You should do something about that.

Sincerely, Jack Danger Lightning Hotrod Corleone, author of Microsoft Outlook 2007 for Dummies

NEW STUDY LINKS LIVING, DYING Dear Amazon, I read on your website that many of your products come with free shipping and handling. However, upon ordering one of your mail-order brides, I noticed that while the shipping was free, Bianca would by no means let me handle her freely. In fact, she flew into a rage when I tried. I would like my money and my genitalia back, please.

Sincerely, A lonely man who is now missing a penis

2

T he Y ale R ecord Dear Yale Sociology Department, If you ever want to see your grad students again, drop off $10 million in a suitcase at the base of the Woolsey statue on Old Campus at 11:00 Wednesday night.

Sincerely, Yale Sociopathy Department

Jokes & Free Pizza!

TH E YALE

Writers • Artists • Designers • Business-Minded People •

Dear royal trumpeter, I appreciate the fact that you are clearly devoted to your job, and that you feel the need to travel with me and announce my presence whenever I enter any room, but perhaps you could learn to use a little more discretion? Or at least point that thing in a different direction for the moment?

—A king sitting in a narrow bathroom stall america’s oldest college humor magazine

email: staffdirector@yalerecord.com

RECORD

Staff Meetings Every Monday Night at 9pm

Jokes & Free Pizza!

JOB INTERVIEWEE SAYS HIS BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS HIS WILLINGNESS TO SLEEP WITH INTERVIEWERS

Dear wife, Now that we have placed a gnome in our garden, it is complete. We are an average American couple.

—A husband who is a normal man

TH E YALE Staff Meetings Every Monday Night at 9pm

RECORD email: staffdirector@yalerecord.com

Writers • Artists • Designers • Business-Minded People •

TALENTED ART MAJOR GETS JOB IN GOLDMAN SACHS FOOD COURT

america’s oldest college humor magazine

TH E YALE

RECORD america’s oldest college humor magazine

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Dear Brittany, For the thousandth time, you cannot leave the faucet running in your bathroom. I know you want to live in Atlantis, but your baby brother can’t swim. How many more brothers am I going to have to give you before you learn to take care of them?

Love, Mom

Send for Booklet!

T he F ight the P ower I ssue The Yale Record

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A

s Editor-in-Chief of The Yale Record, I have a certain level of control over the magazine. By which I mean all of it. I have full jurisdiction.

So if, for example, I were to declare that an issue would contain exclusively dog puns, the rest of the staff would have to follow my lead. Which made it all the more horrifying when they completely undermined my authority by producing this Fight the Power Issue instead.

Those mangy curs.

It all started during the first Editorial Board meeting after Spring Break, when I announced that the next issue would be the Man’s Best Friend Issue and would be comprised solely of dog-based humor. The rest of E-Board threw a fit.

“Lincoln, stop trying to lead this magazine a-stray!” Zach exclaimed.

“Yeah, are you barking mad?” Emily chided.

“This is nothing but a pet-ty attempt at marking your territory before you leave Yale fur good,” Sydney said, wagging a finger at me re-pooch-fully. “And I won’t have it. This is the sort of thing that Rex the whole magazine.”

Still, while the initial reception of the dog theme was ruff, the E-Board eventually agreed to pursue it – provided I took the time to work out all the pugs first.

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Besides, the Record charter was on my side: an obscure claws in Arfticle K-9 gave me the right to force the staff to pursue any form of pun-based humor I desired, so long as nobody’s comedic reputation came to Sirius harm.

And yet, as the pieces for the issue began to roll in, I couldn’t help but Spot something suspicious.

While each article definitely had some connection to the general dog theme, all of the pieces seemed to have much more rebellious tones to them. Even the staff-written two-page centerfold fetch-ured barely a Pinscher of dogbased comedy in it. It didn’t take me long to sniff out the culprits – the Managing Editors had decided to de-Fido me, and had told their writers to write for the Fight the Power Issue. Without paws, I fired them and hired three new MEs: Jack, Russell, and Terry.

Resistance from the rest of the staff continued, but I held my ground. When Scott told me he had a bone to pick with me concerning my doggone hilarious revisions to his piece, I ruffed him up so badly he couldn’t walk for days. When Becky got pup-itty with me concerning my “unreasonable” request for a more canine-inspired feature design, I told her that’s just the Shih Tzu have to deal with if you want a quality puplication. When Mitchell attempted to mutt-ilate a piece on Shar Peis, I punished him in spay-des. Any time

Chairman: Michelle Taylor ’13

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I got even a single woof of dissent among the staff, I retaliated: and my bark was not worse than my bite. Was it hard? Sure it was. Was the staff a bit melan-Collie at the time? Of course. But I wasn’t new-ter running a humor magazine, and I knew that some people reach the Peke of their performance when they are forced to do something they don’t like.

But the staff was stronger than I thought. They didn’t flea from my iron-fisted rule. Instead, they looked at each other and said, “Alright, Record, things are bad.

But now isn’t the time to give up. Schnauzer chance to fight for the magazine you love!” Ilana lured me away from our weekly staff meeting with free tickets to a One Direction concert, giving Sydney the chance to Sparky the flames of revolution.

By the time I had returned, the staff had pounded out twenty-eight pages of hilarious rebellion-themed material. The Fight the Power Issue was complete, and the dregs of what might have been the Man’s Best Friend Issue were litter-ing the floor. All I could do was accept defeat…and beagle-ad the fight was over. After all, every dog has his day, and that day, the staff had theirs.

—L. Sedlacek The Yale Record April 2013

Editor-in-Chief: Lincoln Sedlacek ’13

Publisher: Jack Newsham ’14

Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Aaron Gertler ’15, Mitchell Nobel ’13, Zachary Schloss ’15 Art Director & Publicity Manager: Ilana Strauss ’13

Video Director: Natey Weinstein ’14

Online Editor & Supplementals Editor: Emily Sandford ’14

Staff Director: Daniel Fraser II ’14

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Allie Beizer ’15, Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16, Ben Garfinkel ’16, Nicholas Goel ’16, Ian Gonzalez ’16, Victoria Kim ’15, Spencer Katz ’13, Becky Marvin ’16, Travis Reginal ’16, Claudia Shin ’16, Scott Stern ’15, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Sylvia Zhang ’15, Claire Zhang ’15 Old Owls: David Kemper ’13, Jerry Wang ’13

Senior Editors: Alli Hugi ’13

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Christopher Homburgér ’16, Madeleine Witt ’15 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and the Record’s Flat Stanley effigy.

Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Madeleine Witt ’15, who assured us that no horse statues were harmed during its illustration.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLI, No. 8, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2013 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

PROS AND CONS OF ANARCHY PROS

CONS

Big Government will no longer be able to stop you from Big Government will also not be able to maintain the walking down the middle of the street entirely naked. roads, so the broken streets will likely slice your feet to shreds.

People will be free to do what they love!

People love murder!

No one will care about where you got your degree You secretly loved telling people you go to Yale. from, your GPA, or any other superficial qualifications anymore.

You can finally live out your fantasy of running alone You will probably be running from wolves. across Wrigley Field.

With sexual mores gone, you can fulfill your darkest, Even the loss of society as we know it would not make kinkiest desires! people want to have sex with you.

Free stuff!

People who hide in stores waiting for looters, then kill them, eat them, and use their skin to make leather.

Natural selection will weed unfit people out of the There’s a good chance you’re going to be one of those population a lot more quickly. people.

Your Che Guevara shirts will be even more topical and You will still look like a complete tool. ironic.

You could totally just take a piss on Peter Salovey’s The inevitable extinction of the human race. desk and no one could stop you.

—I. Gonzalez

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Swim 256.3 nautical miles due east along the Tropic of Capricorn until you reach the International Date Line.5 Assuming you maintained an average pace of 2-3 knots and haven’t died of hypothermia or been dismembered by a leopard seal, it should be about 17 hours and 24 minutes past your bedtime…TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy the few minutes you have before exhaustion overcomes you.

5. While you’re lying in bed, consider the following: An average American swallows 4-5 spiders a week while sleeping, adding up to about 13 pounds6 of spiders over the course of a lifetime.

6. Do Adderall.

1

“What do we want?!” - “BRAAAINS!” “When do we want them?!” - “BRAAAINS!” —A. Beizer

AN ANNOTATED GUIDE TO STAYING UP PAST BEDTIME 1. When Daddy comes to tuck you and Freddy the Teddy Bear into bed, hold your breath and close your eyes so he thinks you’re asleep. Then after he leaves, you and Freddy can giggle about how stupid he is and tell each other secrets and make believe you’re on a submarine.

But be careful: if you hear footsteps in the hallway, hide under the covers as quickly as you can and don’t make any noise.1 2. When Mommy comes to read you a bedtime story, make a pouty face because you already know how Llama Llama, Red Pajama ends.2 When she goes to get another story, turn your digital Perry the Platypus alarm clock upside down. Then tell her that it isn’t 9:00, but instead that it’s 00:6, which is much earlier!!! You won’t have to go bed for like nine more hours.3 3. Right before bed, try watching either The Shining, Human Centipede 2, or Jack and Jill featuring Adam Sandler and Adam Sandler. You won’t sleep for days.4 4. Convince your family to move to the remote island community of Tristan da Cunha, off the Argentine coast.

After dinner, sneak out and run down to the beach.

For more on this, see The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, 1942.

2 Llama Llama dies.

3 Note: this technique assumes you have dyslexia, as Mommy then won’t have the heart to tell you that you’re wrong.

4 For a year or more of bedtime freedom, try watching all three at the same time.

5 Try to pick a night in early April, when the Alvarez Seamount has thawed for spring and the South Atlantic Trade Winds will be blowing parallel to the equator.

6 For Australians this number is twice as high, as the spiders they swallow are twice as big.

—N. Goel

UNCONVENTIONAL RIOT CONTROL MEASURES Sheepdogs People-funnels Traffic lights Acting really sexually excited by riots The Master Hand Free Netflix subscriptions A loud Jewish mother offering passive-aggressive criticism Lassos Hugs Nihilism Asking the crowd to play hide and seek —C. Shin

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SIGNS YOUR PEASANTS MIGHT BE GETTING RESTLESS Sex slave not that into it Human footstool is starting to wobble Someone hacked the treasurer’s abacus More things are on fire than you remember The Court Doctor insists that blood-letting will cure your hangover Torturers’ Union goes on strike Someone in your kingdom learned how to read People standing next to you keep getting shot Last public hanging was poorly attended Last public hanging was your effigy Last public hanging was your daughter Peasants start asserting pawns’ right to move three spaces on the first move Ye Olde Country Store ran out of pitchforks Royal poodle gives birth to litter of mutts “Fuck Thine Police” tops harpsichord charts All peasants defriended you on Facebook Someone tried to tie a car bomb under your horse They never want to cuddle anymore —Staff

WINNIE THE POE

NATHAN HALE’S OTHER REGRETS The Continental Army’s poorly funded fake ID program The fact that “Hathan Nale” just doesn’t sound quite legitimate Only getting a few lame statues made in his honor His Benedict Arnold bicep tattoo 100% of the shots he didn’t take That all those jokes about being “well-hung” came after his execution Actually having to lose his one life —C. Homburgér RULES MEANT TO BE BROKEN Trix are for kids Beanie Babies are for kids Apache Helicopters are not for kids You can’t screw your date before Screw Soup should be eaten with a spoon (as opposed to cupped in one’s hands and slurped up) You must be 21 or over to drink in the state of Connecticut You should wait until after dinner to eat dessert You should not have more than one dessert You should not have more than three desserts You should not eat the entire wedding cake yourself —B. Marvin THINGS MIGHTIER THAN THE PEN Two pens The sledgehammer The repeating rifle The pencil (in space) A pen and also a pencil The rhinoceros Pakistan A pen on steroids Two rhinoceroses Your sister’s breath The sword, if your intention is to kill people rather than writing —A. Gertler

—S. Katz

THE YALE DAILY NEWS

OPINION

OPINION: I HAVE NO OPINIONS

S

ocrates once said: “The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing.”

I know some things, but I’m not sure whether I’m wise, so Socrates might be right. Then again, he might be

By Robert Reeves wrong. Socrates had Staff Columnist many opinions—in fact, he was killed for talking about them. If he’d lived longer, he might have written more things, but some people really like the Phaedo, which is about death, and which Plato probably wouldn’t have written if Socrates weren’t about to die. I won’t say whether it’s good or not that Socrates had opinions, or what “true wisdom” means or doesn’t mean or might mean to some people. This is because, unlike Socrates, I have no opinions.

Some people say it’s good to have opinions. I neither agree nor disagree; all I can say is that I’ve never had any. I always struggled in school when they asked us to write persuasive essays, until I realized I could flip a coin and choose a side based on how it landed, which made things easier. (On the SAT, we couldn’t bring coins, so I flipped my calculator case, at least until the proctors started giving me dirty looks.)

At Yale, things are even better. I take mostly math and physics classes, though I also took Art History and got an A- by just writing whatever came to mind while looking at the paintings. I also tutor fourthgraders in West Haven, play saxophone in the marching band, and attend weekly meetings of the Minnesota Club, because people at the Extracurricular Bazaar asked me to do those things and my coin came up heads.

Sometimes, people ask me how I make

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

choices or plan my life if I don’t have opinions.

But are opinions really necessary? I eat foods that I’ve liked eating before. I once thought I might be agnostic, but I couldn’t decide. All my friends have opinions, of course, which doesn’t bother me. Sometimes, I’ll even go to YPU debates or “Choose Life at Yale” meetings to listen to strangers’ opinions.

It’s informative, but I don’t leave with any more opinions than I had when I walked in, which is probably fine, as they seem to have enough opinions to go around as it is.

“Some people say it’s good to have opinions.

I neither agree nor disagree.”

Since this is a YDN column, I suppose I’m expected to write some sort of conclusion now. Here it is: I can’t decide whether opinions make any difference or not. In my experience, people with certain opinions tend to keep having them. If this column were about my opinion on gun control (if I had one), people would read it and probably not change their minds. If I had an opinion on grade inflation, I don’t know why President Salovey would care. But this piece isn’t about my opinions, because I don’t have any. Instead, if you finish reading it, you’ll know a fact about me.

Which is, again, that I have no opinions. I don’t know what I’ll write about for my next column, but if you want to suggest something, I’ll flip a coin and see what happens!

By A. GERTLER Designed by A. GERTLER Art by A. BEIZER

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OFF THE RECORD

CURRENT EVENTS

EVERYONE BUT YOU IS SECRETLY ATTRACTED TO BICYCLES

By B. GARFINKEL Designed by B. MARVIN

Seven billion anonymous sources answered surveys yesterday which confirmed that everyone but you harbors a secret sexual attraction to bicycles. While those interviewed stressed the need for anonymity, each citing a fear that others would view them as deviant, it is now apparent that literally everyone on Earth except for you is sexually aroused by the sight of two-wheeled modes of transportation.

“I figured, what’s the point in telling anyone?” explained an anonymous 30-year-old resident of Detroit, who admitted to having collected a modest folder of hardcore bike photographs on his hard drive. “Most likely they’d just think I was weird, and I didn’t really see what I had to gain by it. It’s not like the bike thing is a huge part of my identity.”

According to most interviewees, they had no difficulty living with the secret since their sexual attraction was not exclusive to bicycles.

“I’m mainly attracted to other women, so I was perfectly satisfied only pursuing that one interest,” said another person from Southern Chile. “Why would I face the social stigma if I didn’t need to?”

Due to this fear of social stigma, the revelation that a sexual attraction to bicycles (which psychologists at Stanford University have begun to refer to as “bike-sexuality”) is not only common but a fundamentally normal and healthy human trait has come as a great relief to everyone in the world but you.

One of the many people who previously kept their attracion to bicycles a secret.

“I feel a lot more comfortable riding my BMX in public now,” said an 18-year-old male from Berlin, who enjoys taking regular rides through the park in the spring months. “I used to worry that people might look at me and realize what I was thinking. But now I realize they’re all thinking the same thing,” he said with a small smile, gently massaging the right handle.

Indeed, a general upswing in public bicycle use has been seen worldwide, except in your driveway, and retailers have noted that many couples in particularly liberal areas have already put in orders for two-seaters.

“I feel a lot more comfortable riding my BMX in public now.”

Bike-sexuality has made its impact on the world of pop culture as well. Publishing industry giant Random House has already asked 50 Shades of Grey author E. L. James to produce a series of erotic novels with graphic depictions of bicycle play. Preorders for the first novel, tenuously titled The Seamstress’s Bicycle, are primed to break sales records on Amazon, and New Line Cinema has already confirmed that it will be producing a movie adaptation starring heartthrob Ryan Gosling as Spenser Black, the reclusive billionaire-CEOartist-scientist-archer whose “late night bike rides” first arouse the suspicion of—as well as just plain arouse—repressed seamstress Ella Skyes. An upcoming episode of The View (which your mother has already entered into her DVR) will feature an interview with Gosling and his own bicycle, and Whoopi Goldberg is expected to make playful comments about how she’d certainly like to see him “working those pedals,” to the studio audience’s delight.

While the details of the novel remain tightly guarded, one point is nearly certain: It will not contain any scenes of that thing that you secretly fantasize about, because seriously, dude, that stuff’s just weird.

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OPINION: REVOLUTIONS ARE LAME NOW Okay guys, I think we made our point. It’s time to move on. Revolutions are so ten years ago. Honestly, can’t we all just live with what’s going on? So there are problems in the world. BIG DEAL. I have problems, too, you know.

My copy of The Lion King is missing. Katy leaves her expired yogurt in the suite fridge, and other people think it’s mine. Just last week, I opened one of those fun-sized Starburst packs and they were both orange. But do you know what I do? I get over it. I don’t start a petition about my “human rights” or snapchat all my friends so we can get together to plan a freaking revolution. Life goes on.

You know how when you meet some guy who’s really passionate about something, you sort of hate him a little bit? Like, why are his ideas so superior to the rest of ours? Why’s he always using pretentious words like “inequitable” and “aristocracy” and “apartheid”? Can he not ask me about ending genocide after I finish my hoagie?

What an ass. That’s the kind of person who wants to have a revolution. He’s all up in our faces about “fighting the power,” but the only things I want to fight are his parents for bringing him into this world. Seriously, this guy is the worst. More like a revo-LOSER-tion, amirite?

Revolutions are so lame now. The whole let’s-fightthe-leaders-of-our-perfectly-ADEQUATE-societybecause-not-everyone-is-treated-equally thing is getting old. Actually, it already got old. Like it’s some big deal that not everyone is allowed to marry the person they love. So what! When I wanted to marry Jeremy Bilsing from church, I wasn’t allowed to either! It was all, “A marriage can’t happen unless everyone’s on board,” and, “Seriously, miss, Jeremy doesn’t want to get married to you,” and, “Will you just abide by this restraining order already?” People need to move on. If there’s a revolution every other day, how could anyone not get sick of them?

Proletari-WHAT? It’s time for us to stop fighting the power and start accepting the honest truth: this is as good as it gets, nobody really cares, and we’d all rather be doing anything else. Like watching 1600 Penn. Those are the values that make America great.

—B. Marvin

DO NOT FEED THE DUCKS

—A. Beizer

PLANETS WORSE THAN THE PLANET OF THE APES Planet of the Passive-Aggressive Apes Planet of the Sexually-Aggressive Apes Planet of the Pedophiles Planet of the Crippled Penguins Planet of the Naked Mole Rats Planet of the Clothed Mole Rats Planet of the Stubbornly Racist Old People Planet of the People Who Spit When They Talk Planet of the 57-Year-Old Former Porn Stars Mercury —S. Stern PEOPLE WE THINK MIGHT BE MOONLIGHTING AS RIVER TAM Peter Salovey Preston Tapley Stephenson IV The New Haven Register That one backpack checker at Bass Library—you know the one I mean Peter Salovey’s evil twin, Shadow Salovey Lance Armstrong Aung San Suu Kyi General Thein Sein, Supreme Leader of the Burmese Military Junta, in an attempt to discredit Aung San Suu Kyi The woman that yells at you when you walk in the exit door at Commons Some girl named River Tam —N. Goel

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SUPERSPARKNOTES: WHEN SPARKNOTES ISN’T SHORT ENOUGH The Scarlet Letter: People in the past were really prudish.

Except for this one slutty girl.

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin: Benjamin Franklin thought he was pretty awesome. He loved kites and hated gout.

To Kill a Mockingbird: People in the past were really racist. And had funny names.

The House on Mango Street: People in the present are really racist. And have slightly less funny names.

The Canterbury Tales: A bunch of people tell stories to one another because they’re on a long trip and iPods haven’t been invented yet. The best stories are the ones that involve farting.

Animal Farm: Neither communism nor pigs are kosher.

A Tale of Two Cities: Everything’s a metaphor for revolution.

Brave New World: The future seems perfect! Spoiler: It’s actually terrible!

Crime and Punishment: It’s basically Catcher in the Rye with real problems.

Catcher in the Rye: It’s basically Crime and Punishment with less empathetic prostitutes.

The Age of Innocence: Nothing happens.

—I. Strauss THE SEVEN LEAST-DEADLY SINS Loitering Having a weak handshake Watching the third X-Men movie before watching the first two Jaywalking Giving people tickets for jaywalking Responding to “Happy Birthday!” with “You too!”

Murdering ugly people —Staff

“On second thought, that may have been a slight over-reaction.”

—A. Beizer

HARRY POTTER BOOKS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT TO PUBLISHING Harry Potter and the Prepubescent Discovery Harry Potter and the Craziest Bar Mitzvah EVER!!!

Harry Potter and the Muggle Next Door Harry Potter and the Ghosts Gone Wild Harry Potter and the Awkward Realization That Hermione Is Hot Harry Potter and the Year That Got Cancelled Because a Kid Fell Off a Moving Staircase Harry Potter and the British Accents That Make Me Giggle Harry Potter and When Mer-People Attack!

Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets (To be released in America as Harry Potter and the Crapper of Mystery) Harry Potter and the Artist Formerly Known as the HalfBlood Prince Harry Potter and Dumbledore’s Coming Out Party (the portraits in his office never knew) —N. Goel

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SOCIALLY AWKWARD MAN CELEBRATES ARRIVAL IN FRIEND ZONE Dear Sam, I am very sorry that I left my stethoscope in your intestines during surgery today.

I can promise you it will never happen again, mostly because that was my only stethoscope. Please do not sue me for all of my money, because then I won’t be able to afford a new stethoscope. Plus, it’s kind of your fault for coming here.

Sincerely, Ken Sandwich, Doctor of Comparative Literature and nothing else Dear Yale, After extensive consultation with Yale administrators, faculty representatives, Yale Corporation trustees, graduate student deliberating bodies, the Council of Masters, Chief Ronnell Higgins, and confused Chinese tourists, we’d like to announce the addition of a new Durfee’s $7 lunch-swipe special. A 14-page report is attached.

Sincerely yours, Yale College Council

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Dear “Dear Blank Please Blank,” Please blank. By which I mean, fuck off, posers.

Sincerely, The Yale Record Dear audience, So how ’bout that airline food?

—A stand-up comedian who hasn’t been on a plane since 1996

ARTICLE ADJECTIVE NOUN VERB NOUN NOUN Dear Emma, Ever since we met, I can’t stop thinking about you. I could tell that we had such amazing chemistry during our conversation yesterday. I love you!

—Robert Dear Robert, I lent you my pen in our 50-person lecture class. And you gave it back to me chewed up. No. —Emma

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ROOMMATE FOLLOWS FRIEND’S STORY WITH FUNNIER, MORE INTERESTING STORY Dear Connecticut, The people of our fair territory would like to formerly register our disapproval with your flagship university’s refusal to return the Inuit artifacts it holds that were stolen more than 100 years ago.

You UConn cons conned Yukon, and we won’t stand for it.

Actually, though, we’re suing, Yukon Territory Dear New York Times, Why do you keep rejecting my letters and op-eds? I have a keen mind, wit in abundance, and cutting commentary.

Why do you ignore me so?

—Phineas T. Scrotum

DAVENPORT SENIORS VISIT ALASKA ON “GNOMES TO NOME” TRIP

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T he Y ale R ecord Dear people of Yale, What are you doing here? This is my house. Leave.

Confusedly, Mory

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

Tired white male seeks bed.

Lost: illusion of Santa, childhood dreams; last seen in cookie crumbs on dad’s face.

UPCOMING MOVIE BASED ON TRUE STORY, CONTAINS NO FACTS Dear yogurt, Like, oh my god, you’re so delicious.

And now I can fit into this red dress!

My life is complete.

—Every woman in every yogurt commercial ever Dear General Mills, Hey, I have a slogan for you: “Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold, and rainbows, and the red balloon! Lucky Charms: if you eat it every day, you will almost certainly develop diabetes.”

Passive-aggressively, Lucky the Diabetic and Overweight Leprechaun

WOMAN WHO STOLE AREA MAN’S CREDIT CARD THANKFULLY SPENDS LESS THAN HE DID Dear European Union Food Safety Commission, I really don’t get what the big deal is about the horse meat that got into my meat pies. I mean, once you mince it, it’s not even horse any more. It’s mince.

I implore you to reconsider your recall decision and stop investigating our business, for your own good.

Sincerely, S. Todd, Proprietor, Fleet Street Butchers

Zoi’s

Local breakfast & lunch café

s Zoi’ Orange on

We Cater Hours: Monday - Thursday 7 am - 6 pm Friday Saturday 7am - 3 pm

7:30 am - 1:30 pm

338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735

Man seeks woman with Snapchat, open mind.

ALMOST, SO CLOSE, OOPS

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YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

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THE OLDEST

Dear bar crawls, You think you’re being cute, but your name is really offensive to those of us who have no other means of transportation to travel to bars.

Sincerely, Babies

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OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

KANSAS SALES OF THE GAME “TWISTER” CONTINUE TO PLUMMET Dear computer, Why do you always seem to freeze when I need you most? I have class in 2 minutes and I really, really need to print out this paper.

—Shawn Dear Shawn, I…. apologize…. am…. encountering……. serious…… probl— —Computer

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

Dear Yale Record, If we park in driveways and drive on parkways, why did she have to get in the car that night? He was clearly drunk!

And she had so much life left to live. So much life. So much life.

—A mother just trying to understand

Dear Venus Williams, You, too, can be a star! If Pluto was able to do it, why shouldn’t you be able to? I for one have no preference towards any particular planets. Every planet should be treated equally, in my opinion.

And don’t forget about us down here once you make it in the big time!

Sincerely, Someone who thinks Venus Williams is just the planet Venus

BEARS JUST CALL “BEAR HUGS” HUGS, APPARENTLY Dear Yale Record, Did you ever consider just sending an ordinary letter, instead of stockpiling these inane communiques in your tepid magazine? With the revenue from 140 years of mailbags, we’d be in the black right now. There would be mail on Saturdays! In fact, our records show that you caused the sequester. Fuck you.

Yours, Patrick R. Donahoe U.S. Postmaster General

CELEBRATED LITERARY-CROSSOVER NOVELIST

MELISSA CHIASSON PRESENTS THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL

“Chiasson paints an amazingly accurate picture of the Roarin’ Twenties. I felt as though I were actually attending the parties thrown by Jay Gatsby and an anthropomorphic cat.”

—Malcolm Gladwell “Easily one of the three greatest children’s books to feature prohibition.”

—USA Today

“The perfect way to teach your children to read, while also making them understand that their best efforts will never allow them to transcend social barriers!”

—Stephen Chbosky

“Jay getting shot may seem pretty adverse, / But not when it’s put into Seussian verse!”

—Suzanne Collins

“A book like two others.”

—The New York Times

FIND IT IN BOOKSTORES THIS SUMMER Art by M. Taylor

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Written by M. Nobel and L. Sedlacek

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Designed by L. Sedlacek

EMAIL CHAIRMAN@YALERECORD.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION