The DIY Issue

Vol. 140, No. 4

THE YALE

December 7, 2011

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MED STUDENT CONGRATULATES SELF FOR MAKING IT TO SECOND HOUR OF CADAVER DISSECTION BEFORE PASSING OUT Dear sexy European TA, You’re a 4! —A confused American trying to use the metric system Hey guys, Oh doe, I think I’b sick! But don’t worry, by bob says it’ll get better before da big science cobpetition, I probise! —A dorky kid from a sitcom

RICH, RUTHLESS LANDLORD TWIRLS MUSTACHE, CHUCKLES EVILLY

Dear Riders of Rohan, Look, I’m not saying you guys aren’t great or anything. I’m just saying that if you really want to live up to your name‌well, I’m here. —Rohan

COCOA BUTTER APPARENTLY NOT THE TASTE EXPLOSION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR Dear little old Russian lady, Look, I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be in ancient Greece right now. But the fact is, I’ve been sent hurtling through time by Callisto and the rest of the forces of evil, and until I can get back home, I’m not trusting anyone – especially someone whose accent is as thick as yours. So get out of my way, you furwearing barbarian. —Xenophobe, Warrior Princess

Dear YHHAP, Donate my meal swipes for the homeless? Are you serious? I do enough for charity, thank you very much. Just last week I changed my profile picture to a picture of SpongeBob to raise awareness of child abuse. When is it going to be enough? —Carla M., TC’14

SQUARE ENIX RELEASES FINAL FANTASY XXII : REALLY, THIS TIME IT’S THE FINAL FANTASY Dear corporate ladder, You may offer the promise of excitement, the chance to make a big score, and the thrill of beating all of your competitors, but I have all of that and reptiles.

Sincerely, Corporate snakes and ladders

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Dear screw date, I know our suitemates thought they were very clever when they had us meet on the New Haven Green and pretend that you were a recent immigrant who couldn’t speak English and needed my help as a translator. But it’s been a couple of hours now and this is getting a bit awkward. And offensive. So maybe we should just go back to talking normally?

—Molly, CC ‘14 Dear Molly, I don’t know what “screw” is, or why you’ve been standing here and talking to me for the last two hours. Are you from that college nearby? I guess they were right when they said that customs were different in America. I’m going to go stand over there now. Please don’t follow me.

Adios, Raul, DC ’14, who enjoys making people think they’re racist

VISITORS TO U.S. ON BLACK FRIDAY UNSURE IF THEY ARE SEEING BARGAIN HUNTING OR COLLAPSE OF AMERICAN SOCIETAL INFRASTRUCTURE Dear Joey, We write to regretfully inform you that despite what your friends told you, your comment about the weather being shitty last Saturday was not selected for the Understatement of the Year Award.

We hope that you are not discouraged, and we look forward to your future submissions.

Sincerely, The Understatement of the Year Award Selection Committee

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The Yale Record

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oming in the aftermath of that great American holiday, Thanksgiving, and continuing in its tradition, the Do-It-Yourself Issue embodies the uniquely American drive to succeed on our own and prove everyone else wrong. The iconic Ralph Waldo Emerson famously extolled the value of self-reliance in an essay that was entitled “Self-Reliance,” mainly because Emerson was too self-reliant to stoop to using a thesaurus. The spirit of his words has inspired Americans for centuries.

It’s well-known that the United States itself was founded on the spirit of “do-it-yourself ”. From the Pilgrims, who believed that they would be able to build shelter and plant crops using only the power of their Separatist beliefs and an unholy number of hats with buckles on them; to the gold rushers, who thought that makeshift salad strainers and a natural proclivity for squatting in riverbeds would bring them wealth; to my father, who thought he could hunt and kill a wild turkey this year using just dental floss, a Magic 8-Ball and a can of whipped cream, American history is replete with examples of the foolishly ambitious rolling up their sleeves, cracking their knuckles, and immediately stepping on a hoe and whacking themselves in the face.

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But what is it about doing things ourselves that’s so appealing? After all, it’s not like watching a YouTube tutorial on how to create sparks by rubbing your thighs together is the same as becoming a certified electrician— it takes time, effort and skill to achieve the latter, while it only takes time and the search words “jiggly thigh videosâ€? to achieve the former. And yet every weekend, my naĂŻve suitemate puts on her Jazzercise leotard and tries to charge her cellphone between her legs with the help of Richard Simmons.

Many would say that doing it yourself is cheap, an important fact in an economy as troubled as ours.

(Many of the same people would later be seen crashing through the seat of a chair they had built using the $20 scrap lumber they had bought instead of the $60 walnut.) Others would say that DIY projects allow us to spend valuable time working with our family members.

(I would add that it also allows us to spend valuable time waiting to collect our family members from the emergency room.) The most honest would admit that doing things themselves makes them feel qualified and able at a time when the average American thinks that “sabre saw� is the nickname of a Guatemalan WWE wrestler.

In short, everyone has their own reasons for breaking out the ol’ UltraPowerShaft MX496S handsaw and/ or butter churn on a Saturday afternoon. I personally believe that it’s because the DIY movement was a

government plot born out of a 1975 treaty signed between President Ford and the secretive International Congress of Contractors, which would promote the contracting business by importing more furniture requiring user assembly. But you can believe what you want.

In any case, the most important thing about the do-it-yourself tradition isn’t why it started or why we continue it. It’s what we make of it. Like Thanksgiving, the do-it-yourself institution is one in which you toil for hours at home, sweating, consulting an increasingly incomprehensible instruction manual, and laboring to complete something that your father or mother could have done with eyes closed. At the end, you present your family members with the lackluster results of your efforts and pray that they’re either charitable or drunk enough to find something good to say about it. Then you throw it away and surreptitiously replace it with its store-bought counterpart (like this editorial, which is actually chapter three of One Hundred Years of Solitude put through Google translate). Now if that isn’t as allAmerican as Thanksgiving turkey, then I don’t know what is. —D. Zhu The Yale Record December 2011

Chairman: David Kemper ’13

Editor-in-Chief: Dana Zhu ’12 Publisher: Jerry Wang ’13 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Alli Hugi ’13, Lincoln Sedlacek ’13, Michelle Taylor ’13 Art Director: Paul Robalino ’12 Online Editor: Jack Newsham ’14 Publicity Manager: Daniel Fraser II ’14

Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ’14, Matthew Dernbach ’13, Ben Green ’14, Andrew Kahn ’14, Yoonjoo Lee ’12, Sofia Nicholson ’14, Emily Sandford ’14, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Catherine White ’13 Contributing Writers & Artists: Aaron Gertler ’15, Victor Hall ’15, Madeleine Henry ’14, Jim Horwitz, Spencer Katz ’13, Mitchell Nobel ’13, Zachary Schloss ’15, Andrew Sobotka ’15, Ilana Strauss ’13, Clinton Wang ’15, Nathaniel Weinstein ’14, Ruoxi Yu ’15, Sylvia Zhang ’15 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and WikiHow Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Jim Horwitz, who also draws the comic strip Watson &OUNDED 3EPTEMBER r 6OL #8, .O 0UBLISHED IN .EW (AVEN CT  by  The  Yale  Record,  Inc.  "OX .EW (AVEN #4 r YALERECORD COM MAGAZINE r 3UBSCRIPTIONS YEAR PRINT r YEAR ELECTRONIC All  contents  copyright  2011  The  Yale  Record,  Inc.  The  Yale  Record  is  a  magazine  produced  by  Yale  students;  Yale  University  is  not  responsible  for  its  contents.  Any  resemblance  to  characters  and  events  portrayed  herein,  without  satirical  intent,  is  purely  coincidental.  The  Record  grudgingly  acknowledges  your  right  to  correspond:  letters  should  be  addressed  to:  Chairman,  The  Yale  Record,  PO  Box Â

.EW (AVEN #4 OR CHAIRMAN YALERECORD COM /FFER ONLY VALID AT PARTICIPATING RETAILERS WHILE SUPPLIES LAST 4HE 9ALE 2ECORD WOULD LIKE TO HIGH kVE THE 5/&# FOR ITS kNANCIAL SUPPORT

DIY DORM ROOM DECORATING We all know the old adage: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But how else can you decide whether it’s worth sleeping with? Face it: appearance matters. Sure, you could shower, brush your hair, and dress nicely. But everyone is already doing that these days. Instead, make a unique statement about your personality by sprucing up your dorm.

“But,” you ask, “shouldn’t I call in an expert to help me with my interior decorating?” “No,” I answer wisely.

“Decorating your dorm room yourself is as easy as a chubby, drunk Qpac girl with self-esteem issues!” But to help you out, here are some do-it-yourself tips on how to decorate a happenin’ dorm room where chubby, drunk Qpac girls may even want to spend the night!

1) If you’re in a double with bunk beds, debunk immediately. Bunk beds will do nothing but harm a roomie relationship. Sure, your roommate will smile and tell you that he totally thinks you deserve the bottom bunk for getting there first from your house a mile away in New Haven. He’ll even joke about how he loves climbing over you and your drunk Qpac companions every Saturday night on his way to bed— but he’s faking it. His anger will simmer all semester until, one night, he’ll vomit on you from above. He’ll claim he doesn’t remember it, but then you’ll recall that he doesn’t even drink.

2) Go to Cutler’s on Broadway to buy retro and/or indie posters. These decorations will define your new image.

You like U2? So does my mother. Your posters need to show off how “cool” and “interesting” you are.

Ever heard of the band “The Black Rabbits”? Me either. Doesn’t mean I can’t have their album cover hanging above my bed. However, if you happen upon a hipster who tries to make conversation about your posters, just smile, nod, and compliment her bangs. If that doesn’t work, affect disinterest. They love that shit.

3) Make a trinket run to Salvation Army. If your dorm is going to be your home for the next year, make it feel like home. And what’s a better way to do that than to fill it with things that used to be in other people’s homes?

4) Buy alcohol. “But I don’t even drink!” you protest naively. Don’t worry, you’ll start. And until then, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing more “college” than having some empty Natty Lights scattered around your room. Remember to strategically place these cans in places visitors will see them (like in front of the TV), because your friends really care about how much you drink. It makes them like you more!

If you follow these four easy steps, your room will turn you into the most well-liked and sexually active person in your college! At least until people read past the front cover of your book and get to know “the real you.” Then you’re just fucked.

—Z. Schloss

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HOW TO BECOME A YOUTUBE SENSATION Some people achieve fame by working towards world peace. Some are immortalized for their contributions to sports, art, literature, or technology. But the best of the best are the YouTube sensations. Who’s brought more smiles into the world: baby Charlie or Mother Teresa? Who’s more quotable: Eleanor Roosevelt or David after Dentist?

And because you’re a Yale student, it’s a safe assumption that your goal in life is to achieve some sort of notoriety, right? Well that’s where we come in.

The Schadenfreude Approach The world of YouTube viewership is full of losers with low self-esteem like you. But you can make them feel better by exploiting your own flaws. Are you overweight?

Awesome! Let’s see how your rolls jiggle when you fall out of a broken chair! Were your a capella auditions a series of miserable failures? Great! Several million viewers would love to hear the voice that your mother called “fantastic” and the rest of the world will soon know as “the sound that makes fingernails on a chalkboard sound like Adele.” The recognition you get may not be dignified, but still — three minutes of embarrassment for an eternity of fame? Hell yeah.

The Reaction Video Approach Do you remember the 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction vids?

Well, I do. As do my Singaporean roommate, his drill sergeant, and a girl I met at Toad’s (she claimed to be one of the girls but I called shenanigans on that one). These things never get old. So grab Great-Aunt Eunice (the one with the magenta hair), make sure the defibrillator is within reach, turn on the webcam, and fire up YouTube. Your shot at immortality awaits.

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The Opinionated Approach Economic recession here in the US, conflict in the Middle East, too many vegan options in the dining halls: the world is a pretty messed up place. Rather than complaining about it on your Tumblr, write down your feelings, give them to your gay suitemate, and tell him to put on his deepest V-neck and yell those complaints to the world. Optional: glitter, cute animals, and enough fingerwagging to make Dikembe Mutombo jealous.

The Stage Mom Approach This one’s not immediately doable, but your patience will be rewarded. Find a willing partner and impregnate her/be impregnated by him. Nine months later a glob of flesh and placenta will emerge into your world. Feed it, give it water, but most importantly, teach it offensive language. Think of it as a high-quality voice-recording system, one which has a very limited window in which any racist or offensive thing it says is hilarious and adorable.

Once the li’l humanoid has perfected its lines, dress it up in something ridiculous, engage in superficial conversation with it and subtly drop the trigger. Then let it do its thing, just make sure your face is in there. Pure YouTube gold.

—A. Sobotka

AN INTERLUDE: SERIOUS QUESTION—WHAT TIME IS IT? Hey, what time is it? My computer’s all the way on the other side of the room. I guess I could just get up and check the time there. But if you know what time it is, I don’t have to get up. No, my phone’s all the way in the other room. Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve checked that too. Maybe I should go get it and find out what time it is. Or could you just check for me? Well, by now it’s probably a completely different time than it was when I first asked. No, I don’t think I’m late for my thing yet.

Well, maybe I am. Just check for me to make sure. I mean I can pretty much guess the time. I’m not an idiot, I have a basic idea of what time of day it is. But I kind of need to know the exact time. How about you check for me? I need to know if I still have time to do the thing I’m doing now, or if I should wait till after my thing which I have to go to right now or in a little bit, depending on what time it is.

—N. Weinstein

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DIY BIRTHDAY PARTY So your friends don’t care about you enough to throw you a birthday party? So what? Follow these tips, and you can make sure that this birthday celebration is your best yet — all by yourself!

1. Make sure to send the invitations well in advance, as well as on a semi-weekly basis thereafter, as people will probably throw them away.

2. Consider personalizing every envelope with how you know the recipient, in case they have forgotten. Then, try to include an itemized list of everything you’ve ever done for them, as well as any debts they owe you, or people who look enough like you for you to probably get away with it.

3. Or, instead of following tips 1 and 2, you can throw out conventional invitation methods and create an elaborate Da Vinci Code-style puzzle that leads people to arrive at your party with gifts in tow. This way attendance isn’t dependent on people actually caring about you, although they will certainly be disappointed when they arrive.

4. Take a poll to see which flavor of cake will give people the most incentive to come. Then get one cake of every flavor, and email everyone who responded saying that you got the kind they requested. Add that you’ll cry if they’re not there to eat it with you.

5. Speaking of cakes, making your own can be fun. You

know those movies where two people fall in love while one is helping the other cook? It’ll be like that, except you’re by yourself. And you don’t know how to cook.

6. By this point, you should probably accept that nobody’s getting a gift for you. Still, it’s easy to “receive gifts from people.� You just have to redefine “gift.� For example, when the Starbucks cashier poured you coffee this morning? Gift. And that office-wide memo can be like a special birthday card if you write “Happy Birthday� at the top.

7. In the worst-case scenario – nobody comes – find the nearest homeless people and offer them some free cake and a chance to steal some of your things.

8. Or, if you’re afraid that even the homeless won’t talk to you, you can arrange cardboard cut-outs and mannequins around your house before you go to work.

If you manage to forget about them, it’ll be like having a surprise party!

9. Go to a store and pretend you’re buying gifts for somebody else. Ask the salespeople to help you pick something based on a description you give of yourself.

Then pretend like you could afford the wonderful things they suggest.

10. Drink. —M. Nobel

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THINGS THAT ARE ALWAYS DIY Solitaire Masturbating Buying an enema at Walgreens Getting an enema behind Walgreens Reading 7ZLOLJKW slashfic Surviving the apocalypse Masturbating to 7ZLOLJKW slashfic Watching your boxed set of Season 3 of )ODYRU RI /RYH Dying —D. Fraser

GET RICH QUICK! Greetings, hobos. My name is Winston, and I am richer than you. By a lot. I could be polite and try to hide it, but, come on, it’s obvious. I mean, you live in a cardboard box.

But it makes me sad that you are so poor. So I’m here with 5 Get Rich Quick schemes that will definitely work for you, or your money back, all $3.12 of it! So you can, you know, buy food.

Scheme #1 is simple: define WEALTH for YOURSELF. By that I mean, get more VSHFLILF. As in: rich in ZKDW? You could be rich in GHEW, or rich in GLUW You could be rich in WKH VKHHU QXPEHU RI ZRPHQ ZKR QHYHU ZDQW WR KDYH VH[ ZLWK \RX. Or you could be rich LQ D K\SRWKHWLFDO VLWXDWLRQ. The possibilities are endless!

If you defined “rich� in terms of “money,� then Schemes #2 and #3 are for you. Scheme #2 goes like this: ask each of your friends if you can borrow 5 dollars. The key here is: no one HYHU asks for $5 back.

If anyone does, it’s because they, quite simply, don’t like you. Probably because you eat trash. After you’ve asked 100 true friends for $5, use that money to make more friends, and then ask those friends for $5. It’s like a Ponzi scheme, but you’re taking exclusively from the ones you love.

Scheme #3 takes advantage of inflation. As in: don’t blow your money, blow ON your money. That is, before you buy anything, just blow all over the bills. Like you would on dice, or a courtesan with daddy issues.

This will inflate the value of your Benjamins – or, uh, Abrahams. I know it sounds crazy, but, come on, are you UHDOO\ in a position to evaluate financial advice?

Scheme #4: act like an asshole. Life is about

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attitude: just EH the person you want to be, EHIRUH you actually are that person. So, if you want to be an actor, break your leg. If you want to be a parent, make sure you always have kids in your car. And if you want to be rich, step on people; how else could you get to the top?

If all else fails, Scheme #5 is for you. Scheme #5 goes like this: work hard in school, get a solid entry-level job in finance, make partner, and then continue to have a respectable career. This is technically “quick� if your watch is really, really broken. Do you even own a watch? ([DFWO\ Now, if you follow my advice, then you can start living like a real human being, because, let’s face it, showers are pretty great. And no need to say thank you. Just – don’t steal from my children. —M. Henry

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FRIENDLESSLY FANTASTIC!  A  blog  about  friendless  living  in  a  philionormative  society

-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­ October  24,  11:13  PM -­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­ Friendless  and  Funny!

One  question  I  get  from  a  lot  of  my  readers  is,  “Are  you  mentally  ill?  Maybe  you  should  see  a  therapist.�  I’m  not  going  to  talk  about  that  today,  because  my  lawyer  says  it’s  a  bad  idea.  Instead,  I’m  going  to  answer  another  question:  “Laughter  is  important  to  happy  living.  Do  you  make  yourself  laugh?  Is  that  possible?�

Archives October  2011 September  2011 August  2011 July  2011 June  2011 May  2011 See  more...

-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­ Friends  of  “FRIENDLESSLY  FANTASTIC!�  (0) (subscribe  to  this  blog)

-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­ Written  by  M.  Taylor Designed  by  S.  Katz

The  answer  is,  yes!  Absolutely!  There  are  plenty  of  ways  to  have  better  laughs  without  all  the  anguish  and  spasm-­inducing  terror  of  traditional  friendships!  For  example,  you  can  buy  a  book  with  jokes  much  better  than  any  of  the  demeaning,  disrespectful  ³.QRFN .QRFN´ MRNHV \RXU VR FDOOHG IULHQGV LQĂ€LFW XSRQ \RX 7KDW way,  you  can  avoid  the  painful  humiliation  of  being  tricked  into  saying  things  you  really  didn’t  mean  at  all.  Who  wants  to  live  in  the  constant  fear  that  strange  people  with  strange  names  like  “Seeâ€?  and  “Cheeseâ€?  are  going  to  break  into  your  imaginary  home  and  murder  you  with  kitchen  utensils,  or  recurring  nightmares  in  which  “friendsâ€?  chant  “Banana!  Banana  who?!â€?  as  they  close  LQ RQ \RX ZLWK KHOOÂżUH LQ WKHLU H\HV" /LIH LV PXFK EHWWHU ZLWKRXW WKRVH SUREOHPV UHDGHUV DQG \RX WRR FDQ ÂżQG UHOLHI LI \RX MXVW embrace  friendlessness!  But  if  you  don’t  like  reading,  there  are  other  ways  to  laugh.  One  of  my  favorite  tricks  is  to  build  a  giant  house  of  cards  over  the  course  of  several  painstaking  hours,  and  then  collapse  it,  all  at  RQFH $W ÂżUVW , MXVW VRE YLROHQWO\ EXW HYHQWXDOO\ P\ IXU\ VHQGV me  into  peals  of  laughter,  usually  for  a  good  three  hours  or  so!  2U KDYH \RX HYHU WULHG WLFNOLQJ \RXUVHOI" 6XUH DW ÂżUVW LW GRHVQÂśW work,  but  after  an  hour  or  two  it’s  a  real  hoot!  And  if  all  else  fails,  talk  to  yourself  in  the  mirror.  I  bet  you’ll  be  surprised  by  what  a  funny  person  you  can  be,  especially  when  you  say  things  like,  “Something  funny!â€?  Also,  a  lot  of  you  have  written  and  told  me  that  my  blog  makes  you  cackle  for  hours!  I  don’t  know  why  H[DFWO\ EXW UHDGHUV ,ÂśP Ă€DWWHUHG DQG , OLNH WR WKLQN , FDQ KHOS you  get  some  friend-­free  laughs—as  long  as  I  don’t  think  about  it  too  much,  because  then  I  have  incontinence  issues.

Anyway,  that’s  all  until  next  week,  when  I’ll  be  writing  more  on  how  to  end  your  friendships  without  the  fear  of  being  ax-­ murdered!

October  24,  11:13  PM  |  Permalink  |  Comments  (0) -­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­ October  15,  9:34  PM -­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­-­

ĞĐĂƵƐĞ ŝƚ͛Ɛ Ă ǁŽŶĚĞƌĨƵů ǁĂLJ ƚŽ Įůů ƐƉĂĐĞ͕ ĂŶĚ ǁĞ ĐĂŶ ŵĂŬĞ LJŽƵ ĚŽ Ăůů ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ǁŽƌŬ ǁŝƚŚŽƵƚ ŚĂǀŝŶŐ ƚŽ ƉĂLJ LJŽƵ͕ ƚŚĞ Yale Record ŝƐ ƉƌŽƵĚ ƚŽ ƉƌĞƐĞŶƚ͗

ϭ͘ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĂŶĚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ǁĞƌĞ ůLJŝŶŐ ĂƌŽƵŶĚ ŽŶĞ ĚĂLJ ǁĞĂƌŝŶŐ ŶŽƚŚŝŶŐ ďƵƚ ƚŚĞŝƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ dŚĞ ĚŽŽƌďĞůů ƌĂŶŐ͕ ĂŶĚ ƚŚĞLJ ĨŽƵŶĚ͕ (girl’s name)

(other girl’s name)

(plural clothing)

ƐƚĂŶĚŝŶŐ ƚŚĞƌĞ͕ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĞLJ ŚĂĚ ĐĂůůĞĚ ĞĂƌůŝĞƌ͘ ͞,ĞůůŽ͕͟ ŚĞ ƐĂŝĚ͕ ͞/ƚ ůŽŽŬƐ ůŝŬĞ LJŽƵ ůĂĚŝĞƐ ŶĞĞĚ ƐŽŵĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ ͞KŚ͕ ǁĞ ĚŽ͕ ǁĞ ;ŽĐĐƵƉĂƟŽŶͿ

(good or service)

ƌĞĂůůLJ ĚŽ͘ tŽŶ͛ƚ LJŽƵ ƉůĞĂƐĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͍͟ (verb)

,Ğ ƐƚĞƉƉĞĚ ŝŶƐŝĚĞ ĂŶĚ ƐĂŝĚ͕ ͞ ŽLJ ŝƚ͛Ɛ ƐŽ ŚŽƚ͕ / ƚŚŝŶŬ /͛ůů ƌĞŵŽǀĞ ŵLJ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ŝĨ LJŽƵ ĚŽŶ͛ƚ ŵŝŶĚ͘͟ ͞EŽƚ Ăƚ Ăůů͕͟ ƐĂŝĚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ĂĚŵŝƌŝŶŐ ;ĂƌƟĐůĞ ŽĨ ĐůŽƚŚŝŶŐͿ

;ĮƌƐƚ ŐŝƌůͿ

ŚŝƐ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ ͞/Ŷ ĨĂĐƚ͕͟ ƐĂŝĚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͞/͛ŵ ŚŽƚ ƚŽŽ͖ ĂŶLJŽŶĞ ŵŝŶĚ ŝĨ / ƚĂŬĞ Žī ŵLJ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͍͟ ;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

(other girl)

(noun)

;ĂƌƟĐůĞ ŽĨ ĐůŽƚŚŝŶŐͿ

^ŽŽŶ ĞŶŽƵŐŚ͕ Ăůů ƚŚƌĞĞ ŽĨ ƚŚĞŵ ǁĞƌĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ĂŶĚ ƚŚĞ ŵĂŶ ǁĂƐ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ ͞KŚ͕͟ ƐĂŝĚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

(-­‐ing verb)

;ƉŽƐƐĞƐƐŝǀĞ ŽĨ ĮƌƐƚ girl’s name)

;ďŽĚLJ ƉĂƌƚͿ

;ĮƌƐƚ ŐŝƌůͿ

͞ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŵĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘͟ dŚĞŶ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ďĞŐĂŶ ƚŽ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĞ ŵĂŶ͕ ǁŚŝůĞ ƐŝŵƵůƚĂŶĞŽƵƐůLJ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŚĞƌƐĞůĨ͘ ͞KŚ (verb)

(adverb)

(other girl)

(verb)

(-­‐ing verb)

ůĂĚŝĞƐ͕͟ ƐĂŝĚ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͞dŚĞƌĞ͛Ɛ ƉůĞŶƚLJ ŽĨ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĨŽƌ ĞǀĞƌLJŽŶĞ͘ /͛ŵ ŐŽŝŶŐ ƚŽ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ďŽƚŚ ŽĨ LJŽƵ ƵŶƟů LJŽƵƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ;ƐĂŵĞ ŽĐĐƵƉĂƟŽŶͿ

(verb)

(noun)

(plural noun)

ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘͟ ŶĚ ƚŚĞŶ ŚĞ ĚŝĚ͕ ĂŶĚ ƚŚĞLJ Ăůů ůŝǀĞĚ ŚĂƉƉŝůLJ ĞǀĞƌ ĂŌĞƌ͘ (verb)

Ϯ͘ KŶĐĞ ƵƉŽŶ Ă ƟŵĞ͕ ƚŚĞƌĞ ǁĂƐ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ǁŚŽ ůŝǀĞĚ ŝŶ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ ,Ğ ĂůǁĂLJƐ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŚŝƐ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ (person)

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

;ůŽĐĂƟŽŶͿ

(past tense verb)

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƵŶƟů ƚŚĞ ďĂƩĞƌŝĞƐ ƌĂŶ ŽƵƚ͘ Ƶƚ ŽŶĞ ĚĂLJ͕ ŚŝƐ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŽƵƚ ŽĨ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĂŶĚ ŽŶƚŽ (noun)

(animal)

(name)

(past tense verb)

;ůŽĐĂƟŽŶͿ

ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ ^Ž ƚŚĞ ďŽLJ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺĂďŽƵƚ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ǁŚŽ ŚĂĚ ďĞĞŶ ;ůŽĐĂƟŽŶͿ

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

(noun)

(past tense verb)

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

;ƉƌŽĨĞƐƐŝŽŶͿ

ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺŝŶ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƐŝŶĐĞ ŚŝƐ ŝŶĚŝĐƚŵĞŶƚ ĂŶĚ ƐƵďƐĞƋƵĞŶƚ ĚŝƐŵŝƐƐĂů ĨƌŽŵ ŚŝƐ ůŽŶŐͲŚĞůĚ ƉŽƐŝƟŽŶ ĂƐ ĐŚĂŝƌŵĂŶ ŽĨ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ (-­‐ing verb)

;ůŽĐĂƟŽŶͿ

;ĮĞůĚ ŽĨ ƐƚƵĚLJͿ

dŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŽŽŬ Ă ĚĞĞƉ ďƌĞĂƚŚ ĂŶĚ ƐĂŝĚ͕ ͞DLJ ƐŽŶ͕ ǁŚĞŶ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ LJŽƵƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ LJŽƵ ŶĞĞĚ ƚŽ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ;ƉƌŽĨĞƐƐŝŽŶͿ

(plural noun)

(verb)

(verb)

(noun)

ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ LJŽƵƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ LJŽƵƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĂŶĚ ŶĞǀĞƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĂŶŽƚŚĞƌ͘ /Ĩ LJŽƵ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ;ƉƌĞƉŽƐŝƟŽŶͿ

(noun)

(verb)

(noun)

(verb)

(verb)

(pronoun)

ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘͟ dŚĞ LJŽƵŶŐ ŵĂŶ ǁĂƐ ƐŽ ĚŝƐƐĂƟƐĮĞĚ͕ ŚĞ ƉƵŶĐŚĞĚ ƚŚĞ ŽůĚ ŵĂŶ ĂŶĚ (verb)

(noun)

;ƉƌĞƉŽƐŝƟŽŶͿ

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

(noun)

ůĞŌ͘ ϯ͘ / Ăŵ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ĂŶĚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ĂŶĚ / ďůĂŵĞ ŝƚ Ăůů ŽŶ Ă ĐĂƌĞĞƌ ƐƉĞŶƚ ǁƌŝƟŶŐ DĂĚ >ŝďƐ͘ KŚ͕ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŚĂƐ ďĞĞŶ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

(noun)

;ĂĚũĞĐƟǀĞͿ

/ ƐƵƉƉŽƐĞ͕ ĂŶĚ /͛ǀĞ ŚĂĚ ŵLJ ƐŚĂƌĞ ŽĨ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ / ĞǀĞŶ ŽŶĐĞ ŵĞƚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͕ ǁŚŝĐŚ ǁĂƐ ƐŽŵĞƚŚŝŶŐ ŽĨ Ă ŚŝŐŚůŝŐŚƚ ĨŽƌ ŵĞ͘ Ƶƚ ůŽŽŬ Ăƚ ƚŚĞ (noun)

;ŵŝĚůĞǀĞů ĐĞůĞďƌŝƚLJ ǁŚŽ ŝƚ ŝƐ ŶŽƚ impressive to have met)

ĐŽƐƚ͘ DLJ ǁŚŽůĞ ůŝĨĞ͕ /͛ǀĞ ŶĞǀĞƌ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŽĨ Ă ǁŽŵĂŶ͘ / ŬŶŽǁ͕ ŝƚ͛Ɛ ĂďƐƵƌĚ͕ Ă ŵĂŶ ŽĨ ŵLJ ĂŐĞ ďĞŝŶŐ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ Ƶƚ ;ƉĂƐƚ ƉĂƌƟĐŝƉůĞͿ

;ƚLJƉĞ ŽĨ ƉĞƌƐŽŶͿ

(noun)

ǁŽŵĞŶ ĚŽŶ͛ƚ ŐŽ ĨŽƌ ƚŚĞ ŐƵLJ ǁŚŽ ƚĞůůƐ ƉĞŽƉůĞ ǁŚĞƌĞ ƚŽ ƉƵƚ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ Žƌ Ă ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ DŽƌĞ ƚŚĂŶ ƚŚĂƚ͕ ƚŚŽƵŐŚ͕ /͛ǀĞ ůŽƐƚ ŵLJ ŝŶŶŽĐĞŶĐĞ͘ (noun)

(verb)

/ ũƵƐƚ ĚŽŶ͛ƚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĂƚ ƚŚŝƐ ŝƐ ǁŽƌƚŚ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͘ / ŵĞĂŶ͕ ĚŽ ƉĞŽƉůĞ ĞǀĞŶ ƌĞĂůůLJ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ƚŚĞƐĞ͍ Ž ƚŚĞLJ ƚŚŝŶŬ ƚŚĂƚ ƐŽŵĞŽŶĞ (verb)

(-­‐ing verb)

(verb)

ŚĂƐ ƚŽ ǁƌŝƚĞ ƚŚĞ ǁŽƌĚƐ ĂƌŽƵŶĚ ƚŚĞ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ͍ / ƌĞĂůůLJ ͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺͺ ŝƚ ƐŽŵĞƟŵĞƐ͘ / ƌĞĂůůLJ ĚŽ͘ (plural noun)

(noun)

____________ ďLJ D͘ EŽďĞů Ͳ Designed ____________ ^͘ ^ŚĞĂ ;ƉĂƐƚ ƉĂƌƟĐŝƉůĞͿ

;ƉƌĞƉŽƐŝƟŽŶͿ

The HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE AMERICAN MIDWEST

by L. Sedlacek

*** If you are planning on hitchhiking across the Midwest, congratulations! You’ve taken your first step in that direction by purchasing The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the American Midwest, the world’s most popular Midwest guidebook. It’s deemed more popular than the U.S. Atlas for two reasons: (1) it is slightly cheaper, and (2) while the U.S. Atlas devotes only 108 words to the highlights of the Midwest, this guide offers a much fuller version, spending nearly 400 words describing every single one of the region’s thrilling tourist attractions, booming metropolises, and wheat fields.

So whether you’re looking for pioneer villages, cities of over 10,000 people, or the chance to make moonshine in a field of wheat, look no further: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the American Midwest is here!

***

chicago

Housing around 20.8% of Illinois’ population and 96.7% of Illinois’ political corruption, Chicago is referred to by the U.S. Atlas as “the third largest city in the U.S., and a major hub for industry, telecommunications, and travel.” We like to refer to it as “the place in the Midwest with the people.” It is home to such attractions as Navy Pier, the Sears Tower, and the only non-­Caucasians in a 300-­mile radius.

Interesting fact: the Sears Tower was officially renamed the Willis Tower on July 16, 2009, after which people promptly began not caring.

mt. rushmore

Located in South Dakota, Mt. Rushmore features four of America’s past presidents who were arguably more important than the others, but are now inarguably just as dead. Few realize that the rock is actually red, and the pearly-­white sheen is actually the result of nearly half a century of pigeon shit.

illinois

See first entry (Chicago).

the great wisconsin cheese wheel Wikipedia reported that in 2010, Wisconsin’s main export was cheese, only narrowly beating out postcards with cows on them and funnily-­pronounced vowels. That being said, Wisconsin is only secondly a state with living, breathing human beings; it is, first and foremost, a giant cheese platter. Don’t miss out on the 10-­year Widmer’s reserve. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case Wisconsin will resemble Dante’s final circle of Hell.

pioneer villages Pioneer villages are places where one can taste Smucker’s jam repackaged with old-­looking ribbons, buy landscape paintings that contain visible contrails, and listen to white people give solemn, sincere and racist monologues as Native Americans. Go for the fudge. Or the shotguns.

crop circles Perhaps the most interesting things to occur in a field, crop circles can be found in Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska. Incidentally, those wishing to do so can also make crop circles in Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska.

st. louis St. Louis hosted the 1904 World’s Fair; things went downhill from there. The most interesting attraction is the Gateway Arch. Fun fact: the Gateway Arch was supposed to be a huge McDonald’s ad. However, construction was halted halfway through when the McDonald’s CEO slept with the architect’s wife. Although CQ Press has used shaky statistics to name St. Louis “America’s Most Dangerous City,” we would like to give you a more significant statistic: the cheapest place to get pepper spray is 847 Sunpark Drive (618-­292-­1384).

kansas Mostly harmless.

designed by S. Zhang

DIY MODIFICATIONS TO DORM ROOM FURNITURE Nail wooden boards to your Chairagami until it matches your other chairs;; stability meets style!

Maximize on f loor space by stacking all of your furniture into ceiling-­high columns. If the structures look unstable, make sure you duct-­tape them to the walls ² safety first!

There’s recycling available everywhere in your entryway, but your personal blue bin can serve a different purpose: composting! (Note: you’ll need a splash of Febreze to mask the scent.)

Lucky enough to have a suite with an old f ireplace? No reason it can’t be functional;; all you need is a sledgehammer to reopen it, some lumber to ignite, and a magnet to disable the smoke alarm.

Replace your default chair with a comfy beanbag. Saw the bottom foot of wood off your desk to match.

Feeling lonely? Get some pets!

If you leave food on an open windowsill, you can coax squirrels into your dorm. From there, it’s not hard to make your desk into a home for your furry new friends: line the drawers with cotton balls, steal sunf lower seeds from the dining hall, and if you haven’t started composting, convert your recycling bin into a swimming pool.

Soon, your room will be squirrel central!

Nail a mirror to your bedroom ceiling;; drift off to sleep gazing into the eyes of the person you love. Wake up after a crazy night to find him or her in the arms of another. Endure seven years of bad luck.

Take your roommate’s bat and put your overhead light out of its bleak, sallow misery.

Paint a smiling child’s face on your IKEA Billy Bookcase. Name it Billy. Put a baseball cap on Billy’s top shelf. Take off most of your books ± he only has two hands, after all. Realize you’ve condemned Billy to eternal subhuman servitude by assembling him. Weep. Take a screwdriver, pile Billy’s bones in your courtyard, start a fire, and set him free.

Written and Designed by A. Gertler Illustrated by A. Von Plinsky

T HE Y ALE R ECORD

19

AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE NIKE CORPORATION

I studied hard for my bio test, and aced it! Then I kicked ass at FIFA! The day before the test, I played FIFA and studied. Both went great, so it was no surprise that I had so much success in both the academic and videoathletic arenas.

I play FIFA all the time, at least when I don’t have some other sort of commitment. On Saturdays, I do community service, then play FIFA. On Sundays, I play FIFA, and then have an executive board meeting for the student organization I help run. But usually during the meeting I’ll just be thinking about how much FIFA I want to play afterwards! Sometimes, I just say to hell with the meeting, and skip it to play FIFA. FIFA is probably my biggest time commitment!

After college, I plan to go to law school and also go to town on opponents with Bayern München. Hopefully, after that, I’ll be able to score a job at a prominent law firm and score on free kicks from 35 yards out. Of course at that point in my life, who knows how much I will have changed, or how much the technology of FIFA will have advanced!

My biggest dream is to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court while also spending hours in front of the television basking in my victories. “He cast the deciding vote in a 5-4 ruling, then made the deciding goal in a 5-4 victory over a virtual representation of the Brazilian soccer team.”

I plan to be as incorrigible on the bench as I am on the field.

Today, we here at the Nike Corporation are delighted to announce a new and exciting direction in Nike advertising. In light of the success we achieved with our previous slogan, “Just Do It,” and in response to our recent losses in these difficult financial times, we bring you Nike’s new slogan: “Just Do It Yourself, Asshole.”

This catchy, innovative ad campaign will be implemented along with a number of changes to Nike’s product line. While it is true that, in the past, we enjoyed success selling fully assembled, ready-to-use athletic gear, the recent economic downturn has rendered this approach unsustainable. The fact is, we can no longer afford to pay our illegal workers the below-minimum wage necessary to put together our products without drastically cutting our Christmas bonuses. (And I don’t know about you, but my ten year old daughter will literally knife me if she does not get a pony this year.) So instead, we’ve decided to introduce a line of do-it-yourself gear! Instead of running shoes, you’ll get a shoebox with a rubber sole, a square foot of canvas, and some spare yarn to sew it all together and fashion some laces. Instead of a Nike backpack, you’ll get a plastic grocery bag and some rope to use for straps.

Instead of a basketball, you’ll get a deflated party balloon.

This exciting new product line, in conjunction with the ad campaign, also promises to deliver significant advantages outside of the economic realm. For one, every product is now 100% totally customizable. Forget size 7 or 8—your running shoes will now be tailored, by you, to \RXU feet! That basketball will be exactly the right size for your hands! Plus, the new slogan delivers a message to the general public that the board of directors has been trying to get across for years now: “Go fuck yourselves, you stingy sons of bitches!”

We here at the Nike Corporation look forward to implementing this new strategy in the coming months.

Focus group studies from the marketing department suggest that consumers will hate it. Well, they can suck it!

Where are they going to get their fancy athletic gear now, huh?! Bet they wish they’d thought of that before! It’s not like there are other companies they can go to, or anything.

Because if there were, then we’d be looking pretty stupid right about now.

—N. Weinstein

—E. Sandford

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AN INTERLUDE: YESTERDAY I GOT A GOOD GRADE AND THEN PLAYED FIFA!

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THE YALE LITERARY MAGAZINE’S GUIDELINES FOR POETRY SUBMISSIONS

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THE RUM MIS-TAKEN Two girls drank beer around a keg, And sorry I could not hit on each, I stared at one chick’s well-tanned leg, and thought, “She’s yours, you’ve made it, Greg!�

And felt a hook-up in my reach.

The other one was just as hot, And easier, for I could see She was long past her seventh shot, Though plentiful supply of pot Had ebbed their judgments equally.

My mental state was in decline, But as we finished off my rum, Their blurry eyes stared into mine; I knew I neared the finish line And slid a hand over one’s bum.

When asked for details, I’ll reply (As my poor head begins to pound): “Two girls threw up on me, and I, I panicked and began to cry, And passed out wasted on the ground.� —I. Strauss

1) Before you begin, keep in mind that in the 21st century poetry does not rhyme. Slant rhyme is also impermissible – and punctuation is completely out of the question. In fact, everything you ever learned in grades 1-10 about poetry is not allowed. Real poets have no time for silly poetic devices.

2) except for when we take the time to make sweet love to enjambment 3) Do you have a soul? Do you feel inside? Your readers must not know this. You should remain detached from your subject matter at all costs. Acceptable tones include: bitter, world-weary, apathetic, and subtly mocking.

4) Make graphic but obscure references to acts sexual, illegal and unhygienic. If your parents would feel comfortable reading your poem, you’ve failed.

5) If your parents would understand your poem, you’ve failed.

6) Fill in the blanks as you see fit: _____ the adamant _____ swooning pastel _____ ___ _____ as we _________ to quell __ _______ tantalized in the ________ for ____ the recalcitrant aura of ___________ ____________ penetrate my ____ verdant _____ sorrows you __________ face the ____ _______ and yawn __ ____ Kanye West _______ _____ god’s refrigerator 7) Ask incomprehensible questions that have no answers; the dumber your readers feel, the more readily your shining genius will radiate from the pages. Possible queries: - If a tree falls in the forest, how could you sleep with him?

- Whenceforth the reckoning of our yesteryears?

- We are water in water, understand?

-3â&#x20AC;Ś 8; i 56% <,> ##### 4$4 ~~~~ ][ ????????

8) Bribe the editors. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;A. Gertler

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WHAT TO DO WITH HOMEMADE PRESENTS 3HUVRQDOL]HG FDOHQGDU There’s no better way to start a fire than with calendar pages hot off the Tyco press.

6SLFH VDPSOHU Put all the spices in containers they don’t belong in, re-gift it and WREAK HAVOC. %RRN RQ \RXU IDPLO\ KLVWRU\ Submit it as evidence to the police regarding that pending stalking lawsuit. There’s no way someone could collect that much information about your family without being a stalker.

7UDYHO EURFKXUH Roll it up and use it to smack the cheapass that gave it to you.

0L[WDSH RI (OOD )LW]JHUDOG DQG /RXLV $UPVWURQJ IDYRULWHV Play it on repeat while writing your senior thesis and don’t allow yourself to press pause until you’ve finished writing. Increases efficiency by 130%!

7HDFXS FDQGOHV Light them, wait till the wax melts away and they’re back to their old, useful teacup selves.

3RWKROGHUV Dogs absolutely love these for chew toys!

6RFN SXSSHWV Work very well as potholders. /RYH FRXSRQV Use them, you douche. These came from the heart! ï3 5REDOLQR

—A. Hugi

Doing Projects Yourself vs. Hiring a Professional 12

DOING PROJECTS YOURSELF VS. HIRING A PROFESSIONAL

10

8

6

4

2

0 Accuracy

Curses Uttered per Second

Deities Blasphemed

Limbs Maimed

Relatives Hospitalized

DIY

Fits of Rage

Items Thrown Items You Now Hours Spent in Fits of Rage Have to Fix Until You Give Because of the Up and Just Call Items Thrown a Professional in Fits of Rage

Hiring a Professional

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HOW TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK

AN INTERLUDE: STUDY FINDS THAT MORE RESEARCH IS NEEDED

Everyone has one. “Special” Uncle Wilber who only wants to wear your pants because he “forgot” his in the car. “Kind” Aunt Mabel who puts half a handle of vodka in her Jell-O mold. “Psychopathic” Cousin Stephen who was just released on parole for attempting to crossbreed cats and raccoons in his basement. Here’s a guide on methods to keep your sanity, composure and pants when interacting with your extended family over the Christmas holiday.

Researchers conducting a recent study concluded that more research was needed in order to come to a complete understanding of everything. While it was true that things certainly became more clear after having completed the study, they were frustrated that they still had so many questions. “Sure, we found out that the amygdala is important for the stress response. But that doesn’t tell us anything about why honey bees buzz!”

When asked whether they should just continue with the same study, or perhaps start other studies, they gave no definitive response. “We have concluded that we cannot make a conclusion yet.” Another researcher said, “I don’t understand it. We spend a lot of money to do these big studies, and all we find out is something small like, ‘People who smoke die more.’ Was it really worth the time and effort to find some small discovery, which another study will probably debunk tomorrow?”

The researchers left open the possibility of adding to their current study, to try to eke some more information out of it, but might simply have to end this one and try something else entirely. In the meantime, the 500 participants just want to know whether they should go home, or if the researchers need anything else from them.

As one participant put it, “On the one hand, I feel bad that the study produced such unsatisfactory results. On the other hand, I have things to do.” One scientist put it best, “I guess science just inches along, in a seemingly endless loop of questions begetting more questions with no satisfactory answers.”

—N. Weinstein

1. Put yourself in their shoes: Literally. Just take off your loafers and put on their hunting boots (try to ignore the gooey deer guts squishing between your toes). From this moment on, you’ll be so focused on not getting tetanus from the nails pushing through the sole of the shoe that you won’t have any time to judge the life choices of your Buddhist-monk-turned-circus-ringmaster third cousin.

2. Smile and nod: Why isn’t Patrick here? Oh, he burned his latest jury summons, stole his illegitimate child’s teacher’s car and headed to Miami to start a career as a bestiality porn star. Okay. Smile and nod.

3. Pregame: Some might say this is in poor taste, or leads you down a dangerous path to solving your problems by drinking. But once Grandma starts talking about “how those Hebrews have infiltrated even the post office!” there is really no other choice.

4. Do cocaine: Reserve this for those desperate situations when Grandma switches from anti-Semitism to asking for advice on how she and her boyfriend can “do the 69.”

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5. Think of everyone as characters from a Tennessee Williams play: Because it’s a lot more amusing when Stella and Blanche have been arguing for two hours over whether a third or a fourth of a teaspoon of ginger goes in the mashed potatoes while refusing to consult the recipe.

6. Escape to Canada: It’s cold and lonely—which sounds perfect just about now.

—A. Hugi

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I PLAY TEAM SPORTS ALONE BY CHOICE Ahoy! My name is Annie, and I play team sports, like, alone. It’s not that the kids with friends don’t want to play with me, but they just are really busy. You know, like, with their friends.

But I love one-person sports teams. I mean, I always win. And I’m always team captain. And I always play the whole time. I can play any team sport by myself: basketball, synchronized swimming, softball, tug of war…

But it’s the fall season right now, so I play soccer. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: why not football?

Well, the truth is, me, myself, and I usually avoid contact sports, because someone always gets hurt, and it’s usually me. (Or, once, that passerby lady. Talk about wrong place, wrong time.) Anyway, I’d recommend that you also avoid contact sports.

So, one-person soccer. Here’s how you do it. First, come up with a team name. Like: The 3 Musketeers, or Birds of a Feather. Something that will inspire unity. Then, when picking team captain, choose yourself. Now, pick your team, and choose yourself. Don’t rush these decisions, though. And don’t choose yourself last, because then you will feel bad the whole game and kick mailboxes all the way home. Especially the ones that look happy. Repeat these steps once for two teams. And—don’t play with more than two teams. That would be, like, really weird.

To set up the field, get one soccer ball and two goals. No need to toss the coin because, guess what, you’re starting today. (Isn’t playing by yourself great? I knew you’d like it!) So—just go! Zoom, zoom!! But don’t be a ball hog. And don’t treat this like some private time to experiment and develop your skills. This is game time.

Get fricking serious. You have to focus, because every ten seconds, you have to start being the other team. And the opposing team is literally just as good as you are.

Also, try not to get too many penalties. Then the game gets really slow, really fast.

But yeah that’s basically it. See how easy oneperson team sports can be? Not to mention all the time you’ll save coordinating schedules for team dinners and practices. So…please play one-person sports. I’ll let you play them with me.

Please like me.

—M. Henry

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T HE Y ALE R ECORD

DIY CONNECT THE DOTS

DO-IT-YOURSELF JUSTICE The world is a cruel and terrible place, full of suffering and injustice. For example, just this morning someone definitely stood in front of the coffee dispensers talking for like THREE MINUTES while I waited agonizingly for my caffeine fix.

UNACCEPTABLE. We have to take matters into our own hands. We have to ensure that these everyday crimes, unobserved by callous government authorities, are met with the punishment they deserve. We, dear readers, must be the police of our world. And so the <DOH 5HFRUG proposes this simple solution: that you everyday heroes take this list of crimes and their just punishments, and see to it that the world is made a safer place for everyone who isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a goddamn asshole.

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The Crime

The Punishment

Taking the last two slices of pizza

Being cut in half

Finishing the mixers

Finishing the Dubra

Using up the toilet paper without replacing it

Being deprived of toilet privileges

Digging for exact change in the checkout line

All that change, up your nose. Every. Last. Penny.

Writing something for the YDN

Reading the YDN

Not using a condom

Being lubed and feathered

Saying something good about New Jersey

Moving to New Jersey

Taking DS

Taking DS

Hooking up with a Qpac girl

Waking up the next morning

Replying all to multiple panlists

DEATH â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Staff

New Havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s oldest, biggest and best bike shop Come see us in our new downtown location at 151 Orange Street

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"'-! ! +-( 2 % '(0 %"/ +"' "'-! ! +-( 2 % '(0 %"/ +"' "'-! ! ) % + "'-! ! ) % + GIRLFRIEND GOES THERE Dear Sarah, Why look at your gerflack So big and so firm So round and so supple It makes me so yearn Your gerflack is better Than any Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve seen I think itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s aroused My flipflingerzipdeen â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Dr. Seuss, gerflack enthusiast Dear United Nations, All right, we get it. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like torture. But Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just heard that studies have shown that human torture can be charming and endearing if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s performed by an 11-year-old boy. So what do you say: can we give it another go? â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Head of the Department of Homeland Security, after watching the movie Home Alone

Dear Father, Son, and the HOLY SHIT!!! â&#x20AC;&#x201D;A man who was about to start praying before getting mauled by a bear Dear Joe, Isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t this optical illusion interesting?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so fascinating how the optical connection between your eyes and your brain can lead you to see images that arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually there. Still donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see it?

Keep looking! Yep, just keep staring straight aheadâ&#x20AC;Śno, no, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look down or youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have to start all over again. Can you see it yet? Just keep lookingâ&#x20AC;Ś â&#x20AC;&#x201D;A man who has just stolen Joeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wallet

MEDIA USES THE WORD â&#x20AC;&#x153;FLAMINGâ&#x20AC;? TO DESCRIBE ONE-FOURTH OF FANTASTIC FOUR, WHOLE OF FABULOUS FOUR

THIS ARTICLE IS SUPER EXCITINGâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;PLEASE READ Dear Truth, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sorry. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do this anymore. It worked fine for a while, but even after all of this time, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m just not respected in our partnership. Everyone always chooses you, your name comes first, the game is ALL ABOUT YOU. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m leaving. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Dare P.S. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m taking the cat.

Dear Paul Bloom, Just so you know, when I clapped for your lecture on Thursday, I was being sarcastic. It really wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t that good. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Betsy P.S. I did, however, find your Tuesday lecture delightful.

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Dear borscht, I’m not really sure what you are, but I’d sure like to insert you into my bellybutton tomorrow night.

Excitedly, Brandon

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a vari-‐ ety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday -‐ Saturday: 11:30 AM -‐ 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM -‐ 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday -‐ Thursday: 5:00 PM -‐ 10:00 PM Friday -‐ Saturday: 5:00 PM -‐ 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-‐776-‐8644 www.zaroka.com

India seeks Kashmir Pakistan seeks Kashmir Kashmir seeks peace

STUDY FINDS BABIES ADORABLE, FRAGILE

THE OLDEST

OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

Dear NYPD, I was running through Central Park at 3 a.m. last Wednesday when I saw something moving in an alley nearby.

There were no lights on so I had to go very close to see what it was, and I didn’t have my cell phone on me so I couldn’t call you to have you check it out. I had to step past three sleeping hobos and a man selling crack to find the source: a squirrel eating a Snickers wrapper, about to choke on it. If I hadn’t gotten there in time, I don’t know what would have happened. I am seriously shocked by your inability to stop this littering problem and expect you to attend to it immediately.

Sincerely, A man who fails to understand how close he was to being killed Dear Franklin Pierce, I have recently decided that it is my duty to inform all of the famous dead people in history that they are both famous and dead. You are both.

Sorry/congratulations on your loss/ achievement!

—Jerry Girshorn, DC ‘12

POLYGRAPH, FLAMING PANTS REVEAL FALSE TESTIMONY

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

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Zoiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

Local breakfast & lunch cafĂŠ

s Zoiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Orange on

We Cater Hours: Monday - Thursday 7 am - 6 pm Friday Saturday 7am - 3 pm

7:30 am - 1:30 pm

338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735

LOST: Sack of money with $ on it.

VISITOR TO THE BASQUE COUNTRY FINDS OUT THE HARD WAY THAT â&#x20AC;&#x153;BASKING IN THE BISQUE OF THE BASQUEâ&#x20AC;? NOT APPROPRIATE ANSWER ON CUSTOMS FORM Dear Ward 1 Alderman, Who are you? What do you even do? Can you conduct my upcoming wedding? Are you ordained?

Sincerely, A woman who believes â&#x20AC;&#x153;aldermanâ&#x20AC;? is pronounced â&#x20AC;&#x153;altar man,â&#x20AC;? which still wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make sense Dear Webster Elementary School, We regret that our recent performance at your â&#x20AC;&#x153;Save the Childrenâ&#x20AC;? benefit caused such controversy and alarm.

We are deciding on a new name for our band to avoid future confusion.

Warmly, The Black Guy Pees

FLOOD VICTIMS BUY NEW HOMES, DROWN IN DEBT

Dear employee of Coffee Corner, When the cup you gave me had a label on it saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Caution: Contents may be hot,â&#x20AC;? I imagined that that meant that if I spilled, I might get some minor burns on my hands that would heal after a day or two. I did not expect for my hands to burst into flames, or for demons to force their way out of the lid and begin clawing at my face. So if you wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mind, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like a refund.

And get these demons off of me. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Alec

WEATHER FORECASTS SHOW THAT THE RAIN IN SPAIN DOES NOT, IN FACT, FALL MAINLY ON THE PLAIN Dear inexorable passage of time, Man, fuck you. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Every conscious being Dear Big Bang, Keep it down, will you?! Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m serious!

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m trying to work here! â&#x20AC;&#x201D;God

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