The Apocalypse Issue

Vol. 139, No. 7

TH E YALE

Feb. 21, 2011

RECORD

The Apocalypse Issue

“Riveting. Passionate. Ab-tastic.”

–Roger Ebert “I have not seen this film.”

–Francis Ford Coppola “Six stars!”

–Megan Fox

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Dear Belly Dancing, I don’t understand--if a lithe young woman dances sensually with a bare midriff, it’s bellydancing, but if an overweight man dances sensually while making it look like his belly button is talking to his female coworkers, it’s sexual harassment. What’s with the double standard?

Sincerely, Mark Dear Inspector Gadget, Where do you get all your stuff? Also, how do you use the bathroom under your trench coat? Can I be like you?

—A Policeman Who Has Lost His Grip Entirely

Dyslexic Student Has Trouble Talking About Last LSAT

Dear Yale Record, Why are you so much better than us at everything?

Admiringly, The Harvard Lampoon P.S. Our penises are really, really small.

Fed-up Detectives Claim Investigating Latest Baby Strangling Would Only Be Giving Baby-Strangler the Attention He Craves Dear King Lear, Why didn’t you just give your kingdom to your fourth child? The one who lived under the stairs and who was a wizard?

Oops, that was Harry Potter, Ben Cook, DC ‘11

Dear Awkward Silence, Here I come!

—A Fart

Dear American History and Poop Joke Enthusiasts, Why did Alexander Hamilton cross the road? To argue for a national bank against that scoundrel Jefferson and his Jacobin cohorts! Also to poop on them.

—A Historian Who Keeps His Promises

Infamous Baby-Strangler Revealed to Be Slightly Larger, Stronger Baby Dear Gatsby, You think you’re so great? Well two can play at staring at green lights for

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Dear Moleskines, How did you get so popular? What’s your secret?

Admiringly, Rat Skins

U.S. Grandmothers Hold Annual Peanut Brittle and “Murder She Wrote” Convention Dear Peruvian Band Playing in the Subway, Where’s the pan flute?

Sincerely, A Guy Who Really Enjoys Pan Flute Dear Writer’s Block,

Tourist Discovers Turkish Delight Not What He Thought It Was

Now Hiring: Deodorant applier.

Must have experience twisting cap off and not leaving white streaks. Priority given to olfactorily challenged.

Dear Dr. Applebaum, My mommy wants me to study a lot everyday, but sometimes it feels like my brain is sooo full! Can your brain ever actually be full?

—Kelly Kerbel, Age 9 Dear Kelly, Yes. It can be full of tumors.

—Dr. Applebaum

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The Yale Record

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College Street Cycles The Ice Man Cometh: Frostbitten

Hey There Again Folks, Hey Jim, So then she turns to me and says, “Is I’m just writing to say goodbye. I got it cold in here, or is it just you?” So I a pink slip in my inbox this morning.

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Man Ejaculates All Over Ambulance Crew

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WE DELIVER Dear Ranch Dressing, Cinnamon Roll Icing, and Alfredo Sauce, Will you please go to my girlfriend and submit yourselves as evidence that things really are better with white stuff spread all over them?

—A Man Who Wants Vanilla Frosting on His Birthday Cake, but Whose Girlfriend Insists on Using Chocolate Dear Jackson Pollock, You call that a portrait? I’ll fucking kill you!

—A Disappointed Patron P.S. Stop sleeping with my wife.

Dear International Space Station, I’ll park my deck in your holding bay any day.

Suggestively, International Third Base Station

Area Man Says What He Would Do For a Klondike Bar, Immediately Jailed

Dear Film Studies Major, I got your e-mail asking why you were unable to graduate with a degree in Film Studies, and I am all too happy to provide an answer to you. Maybe it was the fact that you didn’t pay all of your outstanding fees to the university.

Maybe it was that C+ you got in “World Cinema.” Or maybe it was the fact that your senior project was a three-minute video of a squirrel tied to a merry-go-round by its tail, spinning around and around while the Star Wars theme played in the background.

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e were having our regular staff meeting on a recent blustery afternoon, all gathered around the fireplace sipping our hot cocoa and cuddling with each other in our office/sex den, when the apocalypse began. At first, we thought we were imagining the throaty moaning coming from the Yale Angler’s Journal office. I was pretty sure “angler” was a synonym for virgin. Had a female infiltrated their nightly circle jerk?

End times truly had arrived.

Before I could go save that poor girl from being ripped limb from limb by sex-starved “fish enthusiasts,” a polite knock sounded at our door. Lincoln cracked the door open only to have a metal hand reach in and punch him in the face. In stepped Robocop.

More accurately, in stepped an asthmatic Herald staff writer dressed as Robocop (if Robocop was 5’6” and weak). We all exchanged glances that spoke more than words ever could. Roughly translated, though, the glance said: “God, I fucking hate the Herald.”

Asthmatic Robocop was speaking now: “The world is ending. In this new age, only one Yale publication can reign supreme.

Submit now to the Herald or risk death.”

“Risk this, Robodouche,” River said, pointing to his crotch.

“That does not compute,” Stupid Asthmatic Robocop said,

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brandishing a wiffleball bat menacingly in one sweaty hand and an inhaler in the other.

“Compute this, Robopube,” Dana said, pointing to River’s crotch.

“All of this pointing to genitalia is making me uncomfortable. I’m going to go write an editorial about how this makes me uncomfortable,” Stupid Asthmatic Ugly Robocop said as he shuffled out of the doorway and back to his cave of mouth-breathing and sadness.

Paul spoke first. “The apocalypse is here? I knew something was up when I saw the DKE pledges not spitting on women.”

Ngozi interjected: “Did you hear what Robodick said, though? Only one publication can win. Look, I’m concerned for the future, and the only way we can ensure that the human race continues is if we win. No other publication gets ass.” She had a point.

“Well, let’s get to it then,” Jerry said as he oiled his chest for the third time that day.

“No!” I hissed. “Chest-oiling will be about as helpful for the apocalypse as a Volume article will be for people interested in buying music. Look, we need to focus. The YDN is going to be over here any moment to misquote us and then kill us and then write a fluff piece about it.”

Like clockwork, another knock sounded on the door.

“Who is it?” Alli asked.

“Uh, hi, I’m writing a piece about women in humor

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and I was wondering if Jordy could give me a quote about her experience so far?”

Alli opened up the door. The sleep-deprived EIC stood outside balancing a bloodied machete while writing “Must kill after libeling,” in her small notebook.

Awwwwwwwwww hell no.

I acted quickly: “Look! Is that James Franco reading the Record and laughing so hard he’s crying?”

Her eyes darted to the end of the hall where a custodian was mopping the floor. Like all YDNers, she was near-sighted and aroused by any mention of James Franco, so she took my word for it.

I continued: “Dude, he just winked at you and mouthed ‘Leave your keys with Melissa and then let’s make out in this closet!’ “ “Here you go!” And she raced off to be eaten by a zombie custodian.

And that’s how the Record came to be the only publication on campus and owner of the Jokes and Sex Palace at 202 York Street. Sure, the fire raining down from the sky and plagues of locusts can sometimes make you a little gloomy, but it’s nothing a few fart jokes and orgies can’t fix.

Better oil yourself up.

—M. Chiasson The Yale Record February 2011

Chairman: Jordy Greenblatt ’11

Editor-in-Chief: Melissa Chiasson ’11 Publisher: Jerry Wang ’13 Design Editor: Ngozi Ukazu ’13 Managing Editors: River Clegg ’11, Dana Zhu ’12 Art Director: Paul Robalino ’12 Staff Director: David Kemper ’13 Supplementals Editor: Nina Beizer ’12 Online Editor: Wesley Bolin ’12 Business Manager: Alli Hugi ’13 Publicity Manager: Lincoln Sedlacek ’13 Staff Writers & Artists: Simon Chaffetz ‘12, Juliet deButts ‘14, Matthew Dernbach ‘13, Daniel Fraser ‘14, Tasha Garcia ‘11, Ben Green ‘14, Zack Kagin ‘11, Andrew Kahn ‘14, Nell Klugman ’12, Yoonjoo Lee ‘12, Stephanie Naratil ’11, Valerie Naratil ’11, Jack Newsham ‘14, Sofia Nicholson ‘14, Jacob Paul ’13, Emily Sandford ‘14, Sydney Shea ‘14, Ellen Su ‘13, Michelle Taylor ‘13, Bill Toth ’11, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Kaan Vural ’12, Catherine White ‘13 Contributing Writers & Artists: Jacob Evelyn ‘13, Hody Nemes ‘13, Rahul Kini ‘14, Old Owls: Judd Rosenblatt ’11 Senior Editors: Jessica Bolhack ‘11, Alison Gates ‘11, Emily Sigman ’11 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, the Advisory Board, and NJ Transit Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated byPaul Robalino and Ngozi Ukazu, President and First Lady of Vanuatu Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXXXIX, No. 7, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com • Subscriptions: $30/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2010 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

HEY! IT’S NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL! Upsides to the Apocalypse It can be hard to deal with the realization that the end is nigh, and that soon everything and everyone you know and love (including you! Wheee!!!) will be a smoking pile of ashes in a blasted and hopeless ruin. BUT DON’T LET THAT GET YOU DOWN!!! There are tons of reasons to keep smiling, and here are just a few: 1) That really cute skirt/high tech videogame system/ ancient Chinese vase/prostitute you saw last week?

The one that cost way too much? Go ahead and BUY IT!!! Don’t worry about repaying that loan/ your 401K; you’ll be dead soon anyway!

2) Ever wanted to, say, do 165 mph through rural Minnesota in a Lamborghini? Now is the time!!!

You can worry about speeding tickets… NEVER! 3) Eat ANYTHING YOU WANT! Who cares if you die an unrecognizable blob of lard? Everyone else will be dead too, so no one will judge you!

4) There’s now NO REASON not to tackle that adorable guy/girl/potted plant at your place of work.

If they turn you down, make sure to tell them that they’re going to die VERY SOON. This might well improve your chances; after all, who wants to die alone? No one, that’s who! Even supermodels will be frightened of the soul-crushing horror that shortly awaits everyone in existence, and thus, more willing to SLEEP WITH YOU!!!

5) Work? Don’t be SILLY!!! You’re not going to be able to use your sick days in the future, right?

(Because there IS no future, right?!) Might as well use ‘em up now!

6) This is the time to tell everyone what you REALLY think of them. Go ahead—unleash. Get angry!!!

The lawsuits won’t even have time to go through!

And everyone knows the lawyers will be the first to go!!!

Just remember—keep thinking positive! Who knows?

Maybe you’ll have a sudden brain aneurysm and be spared the misery and torture of dying in a fiery explosion!!!

Doesn’t that make you feel MUCH BETTER?!!

—J. deButts

Popular Google Searches During the Apocalypse Judgment Day cheat codes can angels be bribed who is the Pale Horseman dating DIY baptism are the Four Horsemen recruiting good deals on indulgences how to tell if I am the Antichrist best cardio training for Battle of Armageddon does Heaven have White Castle ­—D. Zhu

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APOCALYPSES THAT CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT Apocalypse #1: Robotic takeover Apocalypse #2: Reversal of Earth’s magnetic field Result: Those robots get torn apart like Professor Xavier in the third X-Men movie.

Apocalypse #1: Giant asteroid Apocalypse #2: Invasion of aliens that look like giant bowling pins Result: We so luck out on this one.

Apocalypse #1: Approach of 2012 Apocalypse #2: Rogue black hole Result: Time slows down as we approach the black hole, conveniently preventing 2012 from ever arriving.

Apocalypse #1: Killer bees.

Apocalypse #2: Demons rising from the abyss Result: This one relies quite a bit on the demons having an uncontrollable desire to pollinate our flowers and make honey, rather than wanting to devour our flesh.

That way, the bees see how peaceful the demons are and go back to making honey themselves. Then we kill the demons and the bees.

Apocalypse #1: Zombies Apocalypse #2: Mass insanity Result: What’s that you say? The human race would have to be crazy to take on an entire zombie horde?

Perfect.

Apocalypse #2: Walgreens is out of the shampoo you like.

Result: Neither of these is the end of the world, you fucking baby.

—L. Sedlacek

Things You Can Only Justify Doing Because It’s the Apocalypse Putting paper and cans in the regular garbage Calling back someone you met at Toad’s Watch Maid in Manhattan Wiping your ass with money Shouting “Fire!” in a crowed theater Granting Puerto Rico statehood Speaking in an outdoor voice inside Public masturbation Swimming right after you eat Vajazzling Penazzling Eating a whole jar of mayonnaise Trying those pills you found on your roommate’s drawer Dividing by zero Applying to Princeton —Staff

Apocalypse #1: World War III Apocalypse #2: Global Warming Result: Earth’s rising temperature makes all that bulky body armor just unbearable, leading to a hasty armistice.

Apocalypse #1: You get stuck in traffic.

“Dude, we’re going to be late. just carve 2013 tomorrow.”

P. Robalino

Apocalypse #1: Supervolcano Apocalypse #2: The fall of the human race due to general corruption Result: The supervolcano forms on the East Coast and blows New Jersey into oblivion. Free from its corrupting influence, the rest of humanity is safe.

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Apocalypse Cafe: Dinner Menu End of Day(s) Specials Served after 10 p.m.

(All dishes served with a side of lighter fluid.)

The Megiddo Burrito Where the forces of good battle the adzuki beans.

Infernachos and Cheese Dante’s favorite dish.

Gnocchiular Winter Salad Chilled pasta salad with a refreshing plutonium dressing.

Doomsday ‘Shrooms Tray A delightful sampler of wild, local, and poisonous mushrooms.

Tea and BrimScone Full-bodied tea; imported from Sodom.

ArmaBreaddon Butter Matzah may be substituted, due to the recent death of all yeast.

Highly Enriched Pure Brainy-Yum Makes for a great warhead. We highly sanction it.

What’s inside their apocalypse survival kit?

Angelina Jolie – Small African children, fifteen pounds of lip collagen, Brad (as afterthought).

Juliet Capulet – life size Zac Efron poster.

Marie Antoinette – jewels, cake, peasant-jabbing-away stick.

Dr. Seuss – one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, peyote.

Henry VIII – wife, spare wives, portable chopping block.

Nostradamus – guide to new horoscopes, People magazine.

Batman – shark repellent, extra-tough codpiece.

Inspector gadget – gadget copter, gadget zombie scythe, toothbrush.

—S. Shea

Sides and Extras

Eschatol House Cookies Nuclear Test Bun A Cyanide Pill Drinks Hot Chocalypse Hot chalk specially brewed to burn your lips.

Apocalatte Made from alpaca blood.

A. Von Plinsky

1000% gratuity and your first child required for parties of 1 or more.

Payment required in advance.

All reservations subject to annihilation.

Taxonomy class just wasn’t the same after —H. Nemes

the explosion

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Bible Quotes I Made Up to Support the Apocalypse's Coming From the First Book of Horoscopiticus, 3:14: “...harken to my word, that the reallotment of the astrological symbols forebeareth the second coming!”

From the Book of Your Mother, 17:4-6: “...hear my words, boy: I shall clean up your mess when Hell freezeth over, when fire rain from the sky, and when the angels turn their backs on God. Now take off thine filthy shoes before thy dirtieth the new carpet.”

From the Book of Cut-the-Bullshiticus, 6:66-67: “And lo, when a man shalt be permitted to lie with a man, or a horse, or any object not imbued with the breath of God's life, the span of the Earth draws to dusk; but really everyone knows it’s because of the imminent nuclear apocalypse.”

A. Von Plinsky

From the Book of Anachronisms, 9:67: “...as it hath been tweeted by the great J-Beebs, 'if i can get more followers than @GaGa free tix 2 all followers for my new movie #NEVERSAYNEVER3D & also seriously #theapocalypseishere” —J. Newsham

C. White

COMICS “Probably the last comics you’ll ever read!”

FEBRUARY 2011 • IXVII EDITION • VOLUME III

A FAMILY CIRCUS

SUDOKU

HOROSCOPES Aries: You will be forced to kill a loved one soon. Don’t worry, Aries. With patience and a blunt weapon you will succeed.

6 6 6 6 6 6

KALVIN AND HOBBES

Taurus: The planetary energies are making you exceptionally romantic and sexy now, Taurus. If you find yourself smitten with a coworker, give it a try! Just make sure he or she is attracted to your smarts—and not your tasty brains.

Gemini: Steer clear from important money decisions today. In fact, avoid ATMs in general. The robot uprising is upon us.

Cancer: Splurge on a swanky dinner with friends tonight, because you will be hit by a meteor tomorrow at 11 a.m.

Leo: A loved one will kill you this week with a blunt weapon. You can put up a fight if you wish.

Virgo: It is time. * c f ! r Obamacare q & ^ hellfire % o t ! You have been warned.

GARRFIELD

Libra: Take time to relax today.

Check out that movie you’ve wanted to see, Libra, and don’t forget to eat healthy.

Scorpio: Set the bar low, so it doesn’t fall and crush you during the imminent earthquakes.

Sagittarius: Nobody likes you.

FILBERT

Capricorn: In an attempt to evade this horoscope you cause a horrible time paradox, which causes the Apocalypse. Please don’t let this happen.

Pisces: You finally see the light of God this week when He strikes you down with a bolt of vengeful lightning.

Aquarius: Fruits and veggies will make you feel energized. Also, a nice tan can make your melting skin look youthful.

Illustrations by N. Ukazu, P. Robalino, E. Su, & T. Garcia.

Designed by S. Shea

Local and US News

PIGS FALL FROM SKY IN ALABAMA

They were flying—until they started to fall out of the sky.

There were numerous panicked reports of flocks of flying pigs filling the skies of Northern Alabama yesterday afternoon. Bewildered crowds formed in public areas throughout the day to observe the flocks of pigs, which flew in tight V-formations.

Just as suddenly as the pigs appeared, however, they inexplicably began to fall from the sky, showLOCAL MAN UPSET ering civilians with

BY TIMING OF APOCALYPSE squealing swine.

Three people were James Barnett, the owner of Barnett’s Barbershop, injured, one of has been actively voicing his one complaint about the whom is in intenimpending apocalypse: it is arriving two weeks too sive care but is expected to survive. early.

Recently sworn “My fantasy football championship was supposed in Alabama Govto be that weekend,” he explained. “I felt really good about my team, and after the heartbreaking loss I suf- ernor Robert Bent- An artist’s rendition of a flying pig fered last year, I needed this one. Plus, I wanted to kick ley said that “While this is certainly unusual, it is no cause for concern.

Tom’s ass. He’s been mouthing off all season.”

Barnett’s plight has roused sympathy among local Alabama’s rich history is full of events more expliresidents, who have formed the action group “Barn- cable than this.”

Scientists and Alabama residents alike were unstormBlitz75 Should Be Crowned Champion of ESPN League 143008.” Members have been relentlessly able to explain where the pigs came from or how telephoning the congressional committee in charge of they suddenly gained the ability to fly. “Maybe overseeing the apocalypse in an effort to secure com- it’s a sign that we need to consume more bacon,” pensation for Barnett’s loss. A rally is also scheduled mused Fort Payne resident Jeff Rowling. “You know, since we’re not eating the pigs fast enough, for this Friday.

“It’s been a heartwrenching few days,” James said they have time to evolve wings. Except I don’t bein an exclusive interview. “I poured my heart and soul lieve in evolution, so that doesn’t make sense eiinto that team, and to lose it now would be devastating. ther.”

Local medical officials are investigating whether Plus, just to add insult to injury, my wife and daughter residents of the area need to be treated for swine flu. n died from the air raids last night.” n

Also Inside Ben Green Writes Record Piece Google Purchases felonsandmelons.com for $3 million

LHC Finds Higgs Boson, Also Tears Spacetime and Brings Back the 80s Lady Gaga Wins Nobel Peace Prize

S E I R O E H T E V I T A N N R O E I T C ALT N I T X E R U A S O OF DIN

#1 MANZILLA

THE peaceful metropolis of Dinotokyo was leveled by mutant humans engineered in that city’s high-tech Dinolab industry. When asked what had inspired such a reckless experiment, the only surviving scientist (an Anklyosaurus) replied that the giant man-beasts were the city’s only hope of defense against the fearsome Shark-topus. Regrettably, the scientists found out too late that the Shark-topus was not real.

#2 SUICIDE CULT Many wonder why the dinosaurs all died at around the same time.

One underground theory is that the dinosaur population formed a mass suicide pact, resulting in the entire population being wiped out in a single day. Some think that long-necked herbivores were the last to go, due to the difficulties involved with hanging themselves.

illustrated by A. Von Plinsky

#3 HIPSTER MOVEMENT When dinosaurs got tired of the mainstream lifestyle of stomping around like bad-asses and eating each other, they joined the movement scientists like to call “The Pansysaurus Movement,” also known as “The Hipster Movement.” Involved dinosaurs starved themselves and smoked to lose weight so they could fit into their skinny jeans. Emaciated, apathetic, and generally annoying, they eventually (and thankfully) all died.

#4 DINO-WAR When dino-nationalist Principosaurus murdered ArchDuke Ferdinandon in Saurajevo, old hostilities turned into total war. As scavenger reptiles dug trenches across Europe, (turtle) shells and poison gas (primordial methane) flew from side to side killing indiscriminately.

Needless to say, it was a dark time when tails, spikes, and head plates scattered no-reptile’s land. Naturally, the only survivors were Crocodilians, whose laughably short stature kept them safe in the trenches.

#5 NOT AN ASTEROID, A METEOR The current theory for dinosaur extinction involves a giant asteroid crashing into the Earth, raising an Earth-shrouding cloud of dust that choked Littlefoot and his friends to death. But it was actually a meteor that splashed their brains all over the place, not an asteroid.

So all of you other scientists can take your little asteroid theory and shove it.

#6 THEY DIDN’T.

by D. Zhu, ill. by E. Su

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Attacks: telo mere shorteni ng, kryptonite, the inex orable passag e of time

Strong Again st: Kenny, Sy lvia Plath, Bambi’s mothe r

Weak Against : CPR, Jesus, Edward Cullen, life

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COLLECT ALL FOUR!

Wea k gene Agains t: ticall y mo Bono, d o difie d cro llar men Stro n ps u, Irish g Again s pota toes t: vegan s, su Atta perm c odels remo ks: haut , e cu val, isine liquid , farm diet subs idy

four Horsemen of the apocalypse

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Various Religions’ Signs the Apocalypse is Coming According to...

Islam

Signs of the Apocalypse Democracy in the Middle East.

Catholicism

You use something besides the rhythm method for contraception.

Ireland sobers up, and it's not even a Sunday.

Judaism

Jews for Jesus starts converting en masse, surprising no one.

The Israeli-Palestinian peace process actually advances.

Your Jewish Grandmother

You're dating a Gentile.

You stop wearing your yarmulke out of embarrassment.

You skip temple in favor of going to Taco Bell.

Buddhism

Hinduism

Dalai Lama announces shift from traditional saffron robes to "just plain orange."

Reincarnation prediction services booked for months.

The dude with the blue skin and the four faces starts getting on the bad side of the green dude with the six arms.

What to Expect Mecca is booked for the next five hajjes.

Nero comes back to life, kills more Christians.

Jesus separates sheep from goats, goats damned to hellfire; braised goat served to sheep in Heaven.

Sheol announces it has reached capacity.

Everyone starts marking their doors with lamb's blood to confuse the Angel of Death.

Dirty looks over Seder.

Having to ask multiple times before she passes the kugel.

She stiffs you on the gelt this Hanukkah, but is extra generous to your cousins.

Massive self-immolation to protest robe color change.

Everyone constantly reincarnated as dung beetles.

Brahma blinks. Universe starts over.

New Age

Enya produces a CD with Kid Rock.

Nexus of power for healing crystals becomes restless.

Mother Gaia's illness-induced runny nose submerges Bangladesh.

All vegan restaurants within walking distance go out of business.

Secular humanism

Church starts hitting on state.

Reading Emerson just not as inspiring as it used to be.

Church and State elope, birth theocracy.

Bush elected to third term. —J. Newsham

C. White

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Apocalypse Hotline Dispatcher for the Outsourced and Underfunded Commission on Hellish Events: Good evening. What can I do for you today?

Tessa: There are locusts everywhere! They have all of the exits blocked. I can’t escape!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: I didn’t hear a question.

Tessa: Please, send someone to save me!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: Wait one minute and I’ll give you the number of the closest exterminator. He should be there in 5 to 7 business days.

Tessa: What?! But, but, they’re eating my poodle!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: Do you have a pen and paper?

D.O.U.C.H.E.: Apocalypse hotline. Please be quick, I’m waiting for a call from the MasterCard people.

Mark: A giant ladybug just came out of my toilet! It bit my arm and I can’t get it off! I can’t get it off!!!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: I understand. Could you send me a picture?

Mark: Will that help you figure out how to save me?

D.O.U.C.H.E.: No, but it sounds like it would make a bitching cell phone wallpaper.

D.O.U.C.H.E.: How may I help you?

Clause: My horoscope warned me that there would be dreadful weather today in upper New York State. I thought you ought to know.

D.O.U.C.H.E.: Sir, it’s the apocalypse. Just look out your window.

Clause: I don’t have windows! Who do you think I am?

You think I don’t know of the CIA-implanted cameras in the sidewalks outside my house? Ha, well here’s one man they’re not fooling. They haven’t listened to me the last twenty-seven times the alignment of the stars warned me of the impending apocalypse, and now they are going to pay. They wish they knew what I— D.O.U.C.H.E.: I’m going to hang up now.

What Christ Is Doing When He Comes Back LSD Enjoy single life Take own name in vain, then say it’s “OK” for him to do it Modify His Wikipedia entry Vandalize Satan’s Wikipedia entry Have last last supper Watch Inception Surprise everyone who expected a white guy Shopping spree!

Get his groove back Bring back Crocs Compete on The Bachelor Finally make some time for Jesus Get around to reading Bible Guest on Oprah Put on 10 lbs. for supporting role in The Passion II Hit the gym Long, long, pee Write Harry Potter fan fiction Enter NBA draft Your Mother —Staff

Chicken Little’s Vindication

S. and V. Naratil

D.O.U.C.H.E.: How can I help— Jamie: There are fifty tornadoes rampaging through New York. Send someone!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: Please don’t interrupt me. There’s no need to be rude.

Jamie: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please, just send help!

D.O.U.C.H.E.: And tornadoes don’t exactly rampage either. Try to be more precise.

Jamie: …

—A. Hugi

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Post Apocalyptic Dating Profiles Name: Alice McKinley Best date location: After the fallout, this guy took me to an abandoned art gallery. It was really romantic. Until the zombies got him.

Dating “do”: Call me back soon. If you wait, I’ll probably assume you’ve been eaten.

Favorite accessory: I like to keep it simple: just a broadsword. It’s easy to use, hard to break, and talk about sexy!

My best feature is: My killer legs. I’ve incapacitated several zombies with just a few roundhouse kicks.

But my biggest shortcoming is: I’m so careless! Once, I forgot to lock the door to my apartment. That’s how we lost grandma.

After two years of anarchy, nuclear war and continuing zombie attacks, Alice McKinley is as stylish and confident as ever! Post-apocalyptic fashion for Alice is all about minimalism. “Don’t take more than you need—you’ll only be weighed down when attacked. Why load up with guns and ammunition when a simple sword and dagger will do just as well?” Alice’s wardrobe is filled with chic neutrals, and she wears little to no jewelry. “Zombies are attracted to shiny objects and bright colors,” Alice explains, “so I don’t wear anything other than black and grey. Sometimes I mix it up with a dark green or dull brown on more special occasions—like last weekend when we went as a family to the zoo. Most of the carcasses had been eaten, but there was a pretty cute, only mildly decomposed panda!” Though she says she’s had a lot of relationship success, Alice is surprisingly single right now. “My last boyfriend was exposed to radiation when he fell into a toxic river.” Though generally self-confident, her relationship status does make her a little uneasy. “I mean, my biological clock is ticking, so I’m kind of on the lookout. I just really feel like I need to repopulate the planet—if I’m still fertile, that is.”

—M. Taylor

P. Robalino

Name: Caroline Yu Most embarrassing story: Once a horde of zombies came after me while I was peeing. I had to fight them with my pants down!

I really like when a guy: Isn’t afraid of getting his hands dirty. There’s nothing worse than cleaning up zombie guts while your boyfriend vomits into the trash can. Wuss.

…But I hate when he: cries.

I never leave home without my: Gieger counter! I’m terrified of fallout exposure!

Best place to get it on: What the hell kind of question is this? I don’t have time for sex! The world’s ending!

Caroline Yu prides herself on her independence. “I’ve survived the destruction of New York, the four Great Zombie Battles, and a relationship with the most conceited man left on the planet. I think I’m pretty self-sufficient.

And TOTALLY over him.” She adds, however, that she isn’t averse to male companionship: “I mean, it’s useful, right? Two heads are better than one—you can take shifts when watching out for zombies.” Her fashion and lifestyle choices reflect that same ferocious independence and practicality—her closet is filled with edgy flare, pocketladen cargo pants and durable boots. “You can’t store bullets in an evening gown or wade through rivers of blood in Prada heels. My sister tried, and now she’s a zombie.

Or, was, ” A confident woman unsusceptible to diet fads, Caroline prefers to eat as much of whatever she can.

“I’m trying to stay fit, obviously, but if the nuclear winter gets any worse, I’ll need to be able to survive on my fat stores. And anyway, there’s nothing wrong with being a little curvy…” Still, for all her strength and individuality, Caroline admits to a feeling a bit down sometimes. “I miss pre-apocalyptic life. There are so many things I used to enjoy that are just too scarce to find right now, like chocolate. Oh, and I guess sex. Yeah, definitely sex.”

“I see here you’re an administrator for three Facebook groups.”

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Seventh Grader Siddartha Kapparaturischewitz Wins Town Spelling Bee Dear Ghostbusters, Though I found your promtional video highly informative, I’m still unsure how to submit my resume to you. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t know where to send this letter.

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You’re the greatest! You really live up to your name—anything’s possible for you! My name is kind of like yours, but to an even greater extreme. And I’ve been trying to live up to my name, too, but I don’t seem to be getting as much respect for it. Could you give me any advice?

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OP-ED

OFF THE RECORD

Is the Apocalypse a Sign of God’s Wrath?

POINT:

The End Is Nigh!

I

‘ve been standing at this street corner for years now, saying that Judgment Day was coming, but who listened? I’ve braved the cold and the rain, the sweltering heat and the public disturbance fines, to preach of Earth’s impending doom, but all of you fools just kept on walking. And now, of course, you’ll all be punished.

All you sinners have no idea how much I’ve longed for this day, for the moment when my work would finally be rewarded. Everyone knows God saves the nicest spots in Heaven for his favorite street-corner preachers (and I’ve got a feeling the bigger the cardboard sign the better!). I mean, any old schmuck can work in a soup kitchen or volunteer at a nursing home, but it takes real dedication to stand in the same place day after day, yelling at people based on a religious hunch that, let’s face it, is totally true. Well, you certainly know it now, as the Empire State Building is being destroyed by celestial fireballs and New Zealand’s long-slumbering Orc population has finally awakened and violently overthrown sheep as the dominant species there. But you

“Yessiree, this world is going to be destroyed.” probably should have known it all along, since I’ve been telling you about it for almost twenty-five years now.

Yessiree, this world is going to be destroyed.

Finally, the universe will be cleansed of all of your evil deeds: your wars, your drugs, your sexual perversions, your viciously prohibitive policies on my taking a dump in your backyard. God must have looked down upon the human race and decided that enough was enough. It was time to end it before it all collapsed in on itself.

So better enjoy the few hours you have left on Earth, sinners! God Almighty has judged this world and found it to be rotten to the core. Bet you all wish you had listened to me and repented before this day came. Too bad it’s too late now—I’ll be mocking you from Heaven!n

Jacob Evelyn Writes Point, Counterpoint

COUNTERPOINT:

Oh Shit, I Pressed The Apocalypse Button

O

h shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. I pressed the button.

Not just any button, but The Button. I was just sitting around in Heaven, going through my daily routine— you know, throwing some lightning bolts and making some people win the lottery—when suddenly, without realizing it, I must have accidentally pressed that big red “Apocalypse”

“And now the planet’s totally, totally fucked.” button. I mean, I don’t exactly remember pushing it, but one second I was swiveling in my office chair and the next I was suddenly hearing all these sirens going off, so it must have happened. And now the planet’s totally, totally fucked.

I mean, to be honest, I had been thinking about tanking the whole “Earth” project for a while now anyway, what with all the sinning going on and sheep not taking over the world like I had anticipated. But it was always more of a long-term thought than something I’d do on just any old Tuesday. Now the Earth that I spent six whole days creating is going to be absolutely destroyed, and I’ll have to start again from scratch. Well, sure, this gives me the chance to make some serious improvements (I’m looking at you, heterosexuals), but I was really pretty content to just keep things going the way they were.

Stupid butterfingers God! How could I have let this happen? I should never have played Whack-A-Mole on my desk—that’s probably what did it. Or maybe it was that time I was pretending the Earth control panel was a piano, and totally rocking out to Billy Joel. Boy do I make a good piano man though.

But I’m getting off-topic. I fudged up, and tupid now I’ve got to deal with this whole Apocalypse butterfingers thing. You know what the worst part is? All the judging I have to do. Every soul? I mean, come on! That’s a lot of souls, even for me. Plus, I bet they’re gonna think I did this on purpose, and all those stupid preachers are going to show up all smug and annoy all the other people in line by crowing about how pure and sinless they are and how they knew it was coming all along. Ugh.

Why did I even have that button? n

“S

.”

could not only be the biggest cat found in your ceiling, but the most illiterate cat. Cats in ur ceiling, watching u do all sorts of weird things that you do not want a cat to see, are a huge problem today. They are sneaky, annoying, and furry

Pulitzer Prize Winner Poetry Editor for The New Yorker

Davenport Presents: A Master’s Tea with

Paul Muldoon

April 8th at 1:30 PM Davenport Common Room