Vol. 140, No. 5
THE YALE December 12, 2011
RECORD
—Steven Vincent Benét 1919, Art by Donald M. Campbell, Jr. 1919 Published Jun. 5, 1918
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AREA VICE PRESIDENT STILL CONSIDERING TAKING UP THE UNICYCLE Dear Sufjan Stevens, Great job on your project to make an album about all 50 of the states! At your current rate of zero albums in the last four years, you’ll be done around the same time you stop being a big pussy holding a banjo. —Iron & Wine
Dear metallurgy, We’re not so different, you and I. —Blacksmithing Dear Joe Biden, This is ridiculous. How long can this recession go on? Have you tried Rogaine? —Your barber
LOCAL BROMOSEXUAL ACTUALLY HOMOSEXUAL
Dear graduation, Holy fuck, BACK THE CRAP UP. You are standing way too close. —The Class of 2012
Dear scrotum, Please take more thorough showers. —Fresh pair of boxers
SHOOTING VICTIMS FEEL UNFAIRLY TARGETED BY GUNS
Dear Adam, When I told you that Albert Einstein failed high school math, I wasn’t trying to inspire you; I was trying to show you that even an IDIOT can do relativity. What is wrong with you? —Prof. Brown
“IT’S A LITTLE TOO CALM IF YOU ASK ME,� SAYS GRIZZLED OLD SEA CAPTAIN Dear writers of the song “Down By the Bay,� I have written a new first verse to your song. Instead of, “Did you ever see a cat/ wearing a hat?� it should henceforth be sung, “Did you ever see a marmoset/ on the Greg and Dharma set?� —Thomas Gibson Dear Prudential Life Insurance, I wanted to update my policy this year. I have been going over my expenses and SPLAT. Posthumously, Frogger
BIATHLETE GETS THAT JOKE A LOT
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LAZY RACIST CALLS EVERYONE A KIKE The Oldest Indian Restaurant in New Haven
Dear minute hand, I thought what we had was special. We’ve been seeing each other 22 times a day now for years... but now I find out you’ve been seeing the second hand 1416 times a day? You slut! —The hour hand Dear smoker, Before you throw that on the ground, ask yourself: Have you ever had your arms ripped off by a two-thousand pound wild animal? —Smokey Bear
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Dear Yale Record, I would like to ask an actual editorial question, but I get the sense that the majority of your letters are pranks. Should I send my inquiry to a different address? From, Mr. Serious Dear gardens of Babylon, How come you are always voted a Wonder of the World while the committee ignores my application year after year? —King Hammurabi’s massive shit
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Dear juggler, Your performance was a really good metaphor for all the crazy stuff going on in my life that I have to deal with, up to and including the part where you started juggling the 17 flaming cats and got tackled by the fire marshal. —Frank
“DRAWING OF THE WEEK” PRIZE RESCINDED FROM SECOND GRADER AMIDST ALLEGATIONS OF TRACING
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The Yale Record
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CAT CHOKES ON SWALLOW College Street Cycles
Dear facial hair, Why have you left me? We had such a good thing going! —The American presidency
Dear curious second-grader, I’m not afraid of seven because he ate nine. I’m afraid of him because he likes Repair to see how many handguns he can fit in Repair Dear Aunt Marcy, Shifting,  Braking  &  Wheels his mouth while he’s tripping on PCP . Shifting,  Braking  &  Wheels Repair, Apparel The hot dogs were cold, the pool All  Repairs  Welcome —SixAll  Repairs  Welcome and Accessories Guaranteed  Parts  &  Repairs smelled, and Cousin Frank is running Guaranteed  Parts  &  Repairs around without pants. Apparel Dear random passerby, Apparel Cold  Weather  Gear Signed, Mon-ÂThurs. Cold  Weather  Gear We must stop the expansion of the Cycling  Shorts The state of reunion 10:00-Â7:00 Cycling  Shorts universe! Protective  Equipment —Guy who took Protective  Equipment a Accessories Dear hipsters, Fri-ÂSat Accessories science course once Full  Selection  of  Bicycle  Accessories 10:00-Â5:00 Whoa. Whoa. First you steal my Full  Selection  of  Bicycle  Accessories Bike Locks wardrobe, then you all start growing Dear pig, beards too. I’m totally suing for I want to make you dirty. copyright infringement. —Mud 769 T HE Y ALE R ECORD —Paul Bunyan collegestreetcycles@gmail.com
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Dear T. Jefferson, Thank you for your letter of secession! Unfortunately, the king will be out of his office for the next two weeks; if this is an emergency, please contact Lord North. —The office of King George III Dear man with a raft, I see you are about to cross a river with your pet fox and some corn. Can I come, too? I hope my presence doesn’t unduly complicate things. —A chicken
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Dear Kathy, I found the nudie pics you took of yourself on your cell phone. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said you had really bad acne; we’ll go to the dermatologist next week. And you’re grounded. —Mom Dear obscure historical references, You frustrate me more than the Battle of Falkirk frustrated the Scottish in 1298. Sincerely, Frustrated in Falkirk
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B
efore you graduate, go out and meet some cartoonists. They’re delightful people. They can convey great existential truths on a dining hall napkin—or, failing that, make you laugh until you crack a molar. It’s really a win-win. Cartoonists are so much better company than funny writers. Whenever you meet a funny writer, you can be pretty sure that he or she has bitten someone in the last 24 hours. That’s just how we’re wired. Not so with cartoonists; they may get mad at life, but they don’t hold things against it. I think this is because they’ve spent more time staring at naked people, which is a tonic to the spirit and a balm to the soul. But cartoonists are also a little tetched. Case in point: about a year ago, Donald Watson ’59, one of my favorite Record cartoonists, offered to go through the entire run— about 1800 magazines, give or take—extracting cartoons. “Then the staff will pick the best ones, and we’ll print up an issue.” That’s crazy, but not unprecedented; ransacking the archives is a fine old Record tradition, especially at end of term when everybody’s glub-glubbing under a ton of work. But what Don said next was—well, read for
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yourself: “I’d like to assemble a list of all the cartoonists from the last 140 years, find out what each one went on to after Yale, then collect it into a book. Don’t worry, I’ll do everything.� Which is a mercy because these days I can hardly focus long enough to finish an email, much plow through 20,000 “he/she� jokes. (“HE: Are you free tonight? SHE: No, but I’m inexpensive.�) Don was part of a bumper crop of talent at the Record which went on to New Yorker or related fame: CDB Bryan ’58, William Cudahy ’59, Peter Bergman ’61, Robert Grossman ’61, William Hamilton ’62 (who graciously did this issue’s cover), and Garry Trudeau ’70. There were similar gangs in other eras; for long stretches of the 20th century, the Yale Record was the place for college cartooning, and the writing had its moments, too. When Harold Ross was figuring out his comic weekly, he looked to the Record for ideas—then repaid the favor by publishing our alumni, something still going on today. But New Yorker-style cartoons weren’t the Record’s only strength; in addition to some beautiful covers—we’ll do a book of those someday, too—the magazine gave
a “Humorist of the Year� award, which usually ended up in the inky paws of someone like Charles Schultz (Peanuts) or Walt Kelly (POGO). These days, we’re still bringing cartoonists to campus, and plans are afoot to reinstate the “Humorist of the Year� award, as well. While we dedicate nine issues of the year to championing the Record’s current cartoonists (and perhaps the next greatest ones as well), with this year’s Alumni Issue we offer a chance to re-engage with a small sampling of the work of the incredible cartoonists that have come out of the Record’s past 140 years. Record alums have touched every aspect of the arts, from architecture to Hollywood, and we hope you enjoy this little taste of our history. One of our alums even made the FBI’s Most Wanted List, but he wasn’t a cartoonist. (Remember what I said about funny writers?) So trust me: go take a cartoonist to lunch, while you’re still lucky enough to live near one. And enjoy the issue. Thanks, Watson ’59 and Hamilton ‘62. Without you it wouldn’t have been possible; you guys are what makes the Record great.
——Michael Gerber ‘91 President, The Yale Record Corp. December 2011 Chairman: David Kemper ’13
Editor-in-Chief: Dana Zhu ’12 Publisher: Jerry Wang ’13 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Alli Hugi ’13, Lincoln Sedlacek ’13, Michelle Taylor ’13 Art Director: Paul Robalino ’12 Online Editor: Jack Newsham ’14 Publicity Manager: Daniel Fraser II ’14 Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ’14, Aaron Gertler ‘15, Ben Green ’14, Vic Hall ‘15, Spencer Katz ‘13, Yoonjoo Lee ’12, Mitchell Nobel ‘13, Tiffany Pang ‘12, Emily Sandford ’14, Zach Schloss ‘15, Andrew Sobotka ‘15, Ilana Strauss ‘13, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Natey Weinstein ‘14, Catherine White ’13, Sylvia Zhang ‘15 Contributors: Robert Arquembourgh 1919, Gordon C. Aymer 1914, Dunbar Dyson Beck 1927, Steven Vincent BenĂŠt 1919, Alban Bernard Butler 1913, Loring G. Calkins 1906, Donald M. Campbell, Jr. 1919, Walter Boughton Chambers 1887, Thomas Chase 1954, Walt Disney MA 1938, Helen Astor Dowling, William Newbold Ely, Jr. 1917, Bud Foley, Michael Gerber 1991, Howard A. Gray, Jr., Robert Grossman 1961, Robert P. Guidi 1944, Russell D. Hamilton 1931, William Hamilton 1962, Charles A. Hobbs 1950, Euguene Kingman 1932, Richard Lanpher 1916, Hedges Macdonald 1930, J. R. McCrary 1932, Robert Forsyth McMullen 1940, Louis Rochat Metcalfe 1894, Jack Moment 1944, John Morrison 1917, Robert C. Osborn 1928, Graham Peck 1935, Maxwell Revenson MFA 1951, Gary B. Trudeau 1970, H. Emerson Tuttle 1914, C. Law Watkins 1908, Donald R. Watson 1959, David Urquahart Wilcox 1895, “Miss J. Williamsâ€?
Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and the Yale Record Tradition Cover: This month’s cover was contributed by William Hamilton ‘62 &OUNDED 3EPTEMBER r 6OL #8, .O 0UBLISHED IN .EW (AVEN CT  by  The  Yale  Record,  Inc.  "OX .EW (AVEN #4 r YALERECORD COM MAGAZINE r 3UBSCRIPTIONS YEAR PRINT r YEAR ELECTRONIC All  contents  copyright  2011  The  Yale  Record,  Inc.  The  Yale  Record  is  a  magazine  produced  by  Yale  students;  Yale  University  is  not  responsible  for  its  contents.  Any  resemblance  to  characters  and  events  portrayed  herein,  without  satirical  intent,  is  purely  coincidental.  The  Record  grudgingly  acknowledges  your  right  to  correspond:  letters  should  be  addressed  to:  Chairman,  The  Yale  Record,  PO  Box  .EW (AVEN #4 OR CHAIRMAN YALERECORD COM /FFER ONLY VALID AT PARTICIPATING RETAILERS WHILE SUPPLIES LAST 4HE 9ALE 2ECORD WOULD LIKE TO HIGH kVE THE 5/&# FOR ITS kNANCIAL SUPPORT
Path of Janitor’s Duster in Thoroughly Cleaning Student’s Room —John Morrison 1917 Published Nov. 22, 1915
“May I borrow a cup of Scotch?” —William Hamilton 1962 Published Sept. 1961
STAGE DIRECTION ILLUSTRATED “Sennet - Exit King Lear with his train...” —Gordon C. Aymer 1914 Published Dec. 3, 1910
BENEFIT OF A CLASSICAL EDUCATION 1st Freshman (inquiring): Say, what does that Hebrew up there mean, anyhow? 2nd Freshman (scornfully): Humph, don’t you know that means “Keep off the Grass”? —Walter Boughton Chambers 1887 Published Oct. 2, 1886
Editor: How did you like our Record? Miss Promme: Oh, it’s splendid. The first part didn’t impress me much, but those jokes among the advertisements are awfully good. —David Urquahart Wilcox 1895 Published Jan. 19, 1895
She: This is certainly an era of progress for Yale. This year you established a Commons, and now you have an infirmary. You go on from one thing to another. He (in a less sanguine spirit): Yes; from the Commons to the infirmary. —Louis Rochat Metcalfe 1894 Published Nov. 26, 1892
A Co
ontrast
—C. Law Watkins 1908 Published May 20, 1905
He - They say, after marriage, the husband and wife grow to look like each other. She - Then consider my refusal final. —William Newbold Ely, Jr. 1917 Published May 15, 1914
(Apologetically) We’ve never worn a purple wig, We never hope to wear one; But we can tell you, anyhow, It costs like Hell to print one.
—Richard Lanpher 1916 Published Apr. 3, 1914
Lady (to ghost): “John, how ill you look!” Voice from box: “Ill! Hell, lady, he’s dead.”
—Russell D. Hamilton 1931 Published Feb. 11, 1931
INVENTIONS OF YALE MEN I. TOLSTOI O’BRIEN Dog Exerciser
—Unsigned Published May 14, 1915
—William Hamilton 1962 Published Dec. 1959
—Thomas Chase 1954 Published Dec. 1953
—Robert C. Osborn 1928 Published Mar. 25, 1925
SUGGESTED JOBS FOR RETURNING SOLDIERS Working in Father’s Office —Robert Arquembourgh 1919 Published Dec. 19,1918
—Dunbar Dyson Beck 1927 Published Nov. 11, 1925
—Helen Astor Dowling Published Feb. 9, 1918
“We’ll do that new pulpit for you, Father, as soon as we ¿QLVK WKH KDW UDFN IRU WKH <DOH /LEUDU\ ´ —Jack Moment 1944 Published Dec. 4, 1941
A GREAT DAY FOR THE LADIES
—“Miss J. Williams” Published Feb. 9, 1918
“Gee, Bones is sure lit up tonight!”
—Howard A. Gray, Jr. Published May 15, 1941
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—Graham Peck 1935 Published May 15, 1935
—Alban Bernard Butler 1913 Published Dec. 5, 1932
—Bud Foley Published Oct. 14, 1936
“Dr. Goebbels was right. The face of our leader is always before us.” —Robert P. Guidi 1944 Published Nov. 21, 1942
—Loring G. Calkins 1906 Published Mar. 1909
—Donald R. Watson 1959 Published May 1958
—Walt Disney M.A. Hon. 1938 Published Sep. 21, 1938
“Remember our room in Harkness?” —Russell D. Hamilton 1935 Published Dec. 5, 1932
—M. L. McGuckin 1942 Published Feb. 28, 1942 —Charles A. Hobbs 1950 Published Jun. 1949
“Probably an extinct member of the pigeon family.” —William Hamilton 1962 Published Dec. 1961
—Robert Forsyth McMullen 1940 Published Oct. 30, 1940
“And here’s a nickel; that makes fourteen, and another penny makes fifteen, and...” —Robert Grossman 1961 Published Sept. 1960
—Gary B. Trudeau 1974 Published Nov. 1969
—Maxwell Revenson MFA 1951 Published Mar. 1950
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"'-! ! +-( 2 % '(0 %"/ +"' "'-! ! +-( 2 % '(0 %"/ +"' "'-! ! ) % + "'-! ! ) % + Dear people who oppose the word “retarded,� I totally agree with you. From now on, I am only going to use the politically correct term “autistic.� As in, “I can’t believed you dropped that touchdown, what are you, autistic or something?� That’s so much better. Sincerely, Eric
AREA MAN UNCERTAIN HOW TO REMIND HIMSELF TO BUY MORE POST-ITS Dear General Sherman, While your decision to defy the preexisting rules of battle and wage total war may have helped you quash the Confederate rebellion, it sure makes you a bad guy to play Stratego with. Dejected, Abraham Lincoln
INTERN TAKES BREAK FROM STARTING AT WALL TO STARE AT FINGERNAILS Dear yarmulke, Keep up the good work!
—Bald spot
Dear farmer, I tried to press “snooze� this morning and may have injured your rooster. My apologies. —A city man Dear mysterious feeling, I don’t know how to describe you. It’s like I’m hungry for NOT eating. —Fat Jeff
DEAN GENTRY LACKS SENSE OF HUMOR, HAIR
Dear Inspector Gadget, Last night was great. I’ve never seen a man get it up so fast before. Then again, I’ve never heard a man say “Go go, gadget penis!� either. —Jennifer Dear Ben Franklin, Your inventions are kind of a mixed bag. Overall, I’d give you a 2 out of 4. —A man who loves bifocals but hates public libraries
TEEN WANTS TO SEE THE WORLD, WILL SETTLE FOR SEEING 10 PERCENT OF MADRID Dear covers of Bob Dylan, We envy you. —Covers by Bob Dylan
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Dear Microsoft Word, My people were very pleased to find our native language available as a font in your software. However, the airplane should be pointing to the left. —Klepfron, Ambassador of Webdingia
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Dear Japanese citizenry, I’m sorry, but it was just too much fun destroying your cities, breathing fire, knocking over buildings, and being in movies. No hard feelings? —Harry S Truman Dear James Bond, You’ve been in like 20 movies. Everyone knows who you are. We can’t give you any more missions. —MI6 Dear Jesus, Usually when a person gets to be 2012 years old and is still a bachelor, people start to ask questions - fabulous questions. —Your father
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Dear club I never really wanted to join, Would you please take me off your panlist? I put down my email because you shoved the sign up sheet in my face. I didn’t know you were going to send out 25 emails a day. —Joe, CC ‘13
BUSINESSMAN OVERESTIMATES EFFECT OF NEW TIE UPON DAY Dear garbage disposal, Oh, it’s just you. I got excited because from the other room it sounded like someone put on a Tom Waits album. —John Dear Professor Baby, I know you’re adorable and a supergenius and everything, but where the fuck are our final exam grades? —A student
CITING RELATIVE LACK OF USAGE, “Q� AND “Z� DEFECT TO CYRILLIC ALPHABET
TANK PRICES SKYROCKET, SKYROCKET PRICES TANK Dear Phillip, I will not be able to join you at martinis tonight as I cannot hold a martini glass. —A cow Dear Director of Over-Eaters Anonymous, You are never again allowed to hold meetings at our restaurant. —Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
WIFE TOO FAT FOR HUSBAND, TOO UGLY FOR AFFAIR Dear tax cats, Help, oh help! I’m in grave need of a cute cuddly accountant! Signed, Person who is soon to be audited thanks to his blinding affection for cats
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YALE RECORD, INC. In the center of a busy community Which worries itself over Problems, Takes Life seriously And does things with a Purpose (If not two purposes) There appeared a group that Looked at all this New World culture And 100% higher education And could still laugh. HEDGES MACDONALD (Reprint from 1930)
Two years pass in this same community, The offspring of the “group that could laugh,” Have much the same problems— Less interest taken in the RECORD— (Compounded in the mortgage) Innovations dwindling to renovations— The Oyster Bar its own victim. We sit Among 100% higher buildings And we are not amused. J. R. MCCRARY, 1932 —Illustrated by Euguene Kingman 1932 Published Mar. 9, 1932