The Hollywood Issue

Vol. 144, No. 5

THE YALE

Mar. 8, 2016

RECORD

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AMID CURRENT CAMPUS CLIMATE, SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT DEAN QUIETLY REMOVES EUGENICS CLASS FROM CATALOG

YALE RECORD DEFAMES YALE CORPORATION MEMBER Douglas Alexander Warner III ’68, WHO FUCKS RACIST PORTRAITS

Dear Yale Corporation, Holy shit, thank God for getting me out of there. It was only a matter of time until someone caught on that I’m a Harry Potter-style talking portrait.

—The portrait of John C. Calhoun, who’s still as bigoted as he is poorly shaded

Dear Yale Record, I am horrified that you would suggest that I engage in sexual intercourse with racist portraits. John C. Calhoun hardly qualifies as a racist. At least, not compared to me.

—Super racist, portraitfucking Yale Corporation member Douglas Alexander Warner III ’68

Dear portrait of John C. Calhoun, I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.

—Douglas Alexander Warner III ’68, Yale Corporation member, dropping his pants

Douglas Alexander Warner III ’68 IS THE HEAD OF A BANK OR SOMETHING, SO IT’S FINE, WE REPORT

Dear universe, You’ve got to be kidding me!

—Man being crushed under a pile of goats Dear mankind, Don’t fuck with me, I’m crazy!

—God, attempting to communicate via the existence of platypuses

OBAMA VERY ANNOYING TO BE AROUND ON PRESIDENTS’ DAY Dear friend, Gee, we sure are in one helluva pickle!

—A seed inside of an about-to-beeaten pickle, using humor to cope, much as the Jewish people have throughout their oft painful history

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BASIC BITCH FOUND TO REACT Fine WITH VINEGAR Indian Cuisine Dear hoverboards,

“A treatSad for the senses.” to see you go, man. One —Hartford Courant e-mail is all it takes.

“Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes.”

—The —New YorkChristakises Times

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

Wanted: The chance to experience the

show Beyblade again for the first time.

Hours Dear beagle with a heart of gold, Lunch I will miss you forever.

Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00your PM heart - 3:00 of PMgold was Unfortunately, much better at circulating smiles and Dinner laughs- through lucky enough Sunday Thursday:those 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM to meet you than5:00 it was circulating Friday - Saturday: PM at - 10:30 PM blood through your arteries and veins.

We Fast, will never forgetDelivery your wagging tail, Free gentle personality, and tint.

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—Steve, who just wishes he 148 York Street, hadHaven, a chance to say goodbye New CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

MAN WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM ACTUALLY PRETTY ON POINT, PSYCHIATRIST THINKS TO HERSELF Dear Google, It’s been a great run, but I’m going to take some time off and really find myself this year.

—The little blue dot in Google Maps, who’s sick of helping Stacey find where the fuck she is Dear mother, Thank you for not cutting off my arms. Otherwise no one would believe me about the spinach thing.

—Popeye, who had a really fucked-up childhood Dear lemon zest, Where would I be without you?

—Every non-chocolate-based dessert, truth be told

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NEW GERMAN AIR BUD FILM TO BE CALLED “HERR BUD: NEIN HOLES” Dear Kanye, I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.

—Kanye West, vigorously masturbating

OBAMA, IN BED, SUDDENLY REALIZES HE HASN’T CHECKED ON LIBYA IN, LIKE, THREE YEARS

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me. If they do, and if their kids do, and so forth, then in the long run you’ll be positively swimming in excess toe meat.

All-you-can-eat toe meat, dudes. 24/7 toe meat, 365. Next stop, Toe Meat City.

Toe-meat-ma-fucking-geddon. It’s gonna be nuts.

—Guy with six toes and a plan Dear Columba, Tell me it was just a dream. No. Goddammit. Tell me it was just a dream.

—A sweat-soaked Jeb Bush, years after the campaign, once again waking in the dark of night

Dear cannibals, Hey, wait, stop! I have six toes, which means it’s in your favor to keep me alive long enough to have kids, since there’s an off chance they’ll take after

LOCAL TODDLER CAN’T EVEN DUNK

Hey:

I have all these extra salt packets. Anyone want them?

               



  

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Dear heatstroke, October’s here, it’s my turn now.

—Hypothermia

IN SHOCKING TWIST, “THE REVENANT” LOSES ALL MAJOR AWARDS AT THE BEAR’S CHOICE AWARDS Dear wife, I’m feeling grotesque tonight.

—Man bathing in chicken gizzards

Dear American gun owners, Woah! What’s that over there behind you?

—President Obama, holding a comically large bag labeled “confiscated guns” behind his back Dear Mormon Church, LDS is an anagram of LSD. Coincidence? I think not.

—A guy on LSD

CHOPPED LIVER WONDERS WHAT IT IS

on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm

SCHWARZMAN CENTER TO INCLUDE MEMORIAL TO THE THOUSANDS OF MALARIAINFECTED KIDS WHO DIED SO WE COULD BUILD IT INSTEAD Dear Dr. Seuss, Hop on Pop? More like Hop on STOP.

—Connecticut Coalition to End Violence Against Pops

We deliver! Find us on Grubhub or call 203-782-6000

Emmy Waldman ‘11

SCENE ONE — INT. WOODBRIDGE HALL The Record, fresh off the successful release of our Hollywood Issue, is gathered around a great oak table with the 19 members of the Yale Corporation. Only Brian, who’s been going through some stuff, is missing. We do not know why we have been summoned.

President Salovey: Do you know why you have been summoned?

The Record (in unison): No, we don’t.

Salovey: The opening of the Schwarzman Center is just four years away, and Mr. Schwarzman has shared with us a concern that students are spending only a small portion of each day imagining it.

Sasha: Well, with classes and all…

Chanel CEO Maureen C. Chiquet ’85 (wearing a mink vest): Mr. Schwarzman has requested at least 20 percent of students’, quote, “mindspace.”

Mitchell (in his element): So how do we come in? Renaming the magazine The Schwarzman Center Record? Using tiny pictures of Schwarzman’s head for Os? Having our editor in chief get plastic surgery to look just like Schwarzman? We’re gonna need to talk rates.

I reflexively cover my face.

Time Warner CEO Jeffrey L. Bewkes ’74: No. As the man behind Rock of Ages, I understand the power of film, and I therefore understand the power of the Record’s video team to influence student opinion.

Ethan: So, what sort of fabric monster do you want me to make?

Chiquet perks up, peers over her leather sunglasses.

T he H ollywood I ssue Bewkes: What? No. What we want is for the Record to produce a video telling the epic story of Stephen A. Schwartzman.

also sort of combine Mr. Schwarzman and Jack Kennedy into a single character.

Madeline: Would it be all right if part of the movie were just a remake of The Last Song?

Chasan: As in, nonfiction?

Bewkes: I don’t think you understand. The point is for people to like him.

Business Insider Founder Kevin Patrick Ryan ’85 (somehow going about life as if his full name weren’t just three first names): Possibly. But we must insist on the climax. In our vision for it, we flash back to the eve of the Schwarman Center announcement, and Mr. Schwarzman is having second thoughts. He starts to wonder if building another lavish hangout spot for Ivy League students really counts as philanthropy. But, that night, he goes to sleep and he’s visited by the approximately 30,000 children whose deaths he could prevent by instead funding the distribution of mosquito nets. As string music swells and a celestial white light fills the screen, they announce in one voice, “The basement of Commons is vastly underutilized.”

Bain Capital Managing Director Joshua Bekenstein ’80 (literally eating money): To get you started, we’ve already sketched out a few scenes. There’s the scene where Mr. Schwarzman gets the idea for the Center, and it’s definitely more complicated than him noticing a big Yale building he likes and then remembering that he’s a billionaire. There’s the scene where he doesn’t keep saying really problematic stuff about Next Yale in private meetings with President Salovey.

There’s the scene where Pope Francis tells him, “You are a good person, and everyone ought to be entirely comfortable with the influence you’ve just bought at Yale. Seriously, trust me, I’m the pope.”

Nick (decisively): Yeah, sure, sounds pretty good.

Former J.P. Morgan CEO Douglas Alexander Warner III ’68 excuses himself to Woodbridge Hall’s portrait room.

The rest of the Record: Sounds fine to me.

Former BHP Billiton Chief Executive Charles Waterhouse Goodyear IV ’80: Oh, and maybe the voice also suggests making one of the rooms an indoor beach.

Current Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo LAW ’98 (just sort of letting Rhode Island take care of itself for a while): We’d also like to provide couple of guidelines for the rest of the film. First, in any scene set in a restaurant, we’d like to make sure that all of the background extras at other tables are having conversations about how Blackstone stock is a really good buy.

Second, to the extent possible, it’d be really great if you could

Nick Goel ’16 Chairman

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Slowly, quietly, Peter Salovey begins to weep.

—B. Garfinkel Editor in Chief

Benjamin Garfinkel ’16 Editor in Chief

Ian Gonzalez ’16 Publisher

Annelisa Leinbach ’16 Art Director

Alison Mansfield ’17 Assistant Design Editor

Chasan Hall ’18 Assistant Video Editor

Louisa Cone ’18 Associate Publicity Manager

Mitchell Harris ’16 Business Manager

Chris Rudeen ’17 Copy Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Design Editor

Sasha Rae-Grant ’18 Design Editor

Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Legal Counsel

Graham Ambrose ’18 Managing Editor

Brian Beitler ’18 Managing Editor

Archie Kinnane ’18 Managing Editor

Rachel Lackner ’17 Managing Editor

Alex Ringlein ’18 Online Editor

Sam Savitz ’17 Publicity Manager

Ben Rudeen ’17 Staff Director

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Supplementals Editor

Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16 Video Director

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Matt Abuzalaf ’18, Spencer Birney ’18, Emma Chanen ’19, Amanda Corcoran ’18, Valcy Etienne ’16, Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19,

Jackie Ferro ’17, Max Goldberg ’17, Timur Guler ’18, Sahil Gupta ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Jake Houston ’19,

Susanqi Jiang ’19, Shea Ketsdever ’19, Katie Kidney ’19, Lizzy Kingsley ’19, Joseph Kuperschmidt ’17, Doo Lee ’16, Yanna Lee ’17, Adam Lessing ’19,

Vicki Liu ’19, Roger Lopez ’18, Leila Murphy ’19, Henry Robinson ’19, Jonathan Rutter ’18, Natalya Sanghvi ’18, Harrison Schneider ’17, Justin Shi ’18,

Eve Sneider ’19, Xavier Sottile ’19, Sarah Sukin ’18, Teddy Thum ’18, Rachel Treisman ’19, Lane Unsworth ’19, Alissa Wang ’19, Alex Zhang ’18

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Rob Henderson ’18 Deborah Monti ’19 Drew Megerian ’18 Erika Lynn-Green ’18

Special Thanks to: The Record’s design team, for all of their hard work and for their steadfast commitment to not replacing each issue’s content with drawings of bears eating me.

Cover by: The incredible Yanna Lee ’17, who’s nearly as talented as she is bad at correctly recalling King Kong plot points.

Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIV, No. 5, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2016 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

Jack Dawson, Titanic – Vin Diesel. Refused to take the role unless James Cameron called the ship something else, because he wanted the name “Titanic” for his own character.

Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad – Macaulay Culkin.

Asked to leave after Bryan Cranston discovered he was playing the role a little too accurately.

Bella, Twilight – Daniel Day-Lewis. Spent months getting into character by disguising himself as a teenage girl and fantasizing about vampires, but refused to act at any time other than just before sunset in order to stay true to the book’s title.

Katniss, The Hunger Games – Angela Merkel. Initially landed the role but was let go after producers grew concerned that no one was running Germany.

Bruce Wayne, The Dark Knight Trilogy – Ben Affleck.

Producers laughed at the idea of the Jersey Girl star portraying Batman. I mean, come on, how dumb would that be?

—R. Henderson

QUIZ: Are these real or fake celebrity baby names?* 1. Tu Morrow 2. Carmela Delight 3. Moxie Crimefighter 4. Jermajesty 5. Chocolate Cheerios™ 6. Sage Moonblood 7. #StopBullyingNow 8. L.A. (pronounced “La dot uh dot”) 9. Bitch #6 10. Petal Blossom Rainbow 11. Daisy Boo 12. Poppy Honey 13. Satchel 14. Tiny Backpack Actually Used as a Purse 15. Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther 16. Axi Dent 17. Bogart Che Peyote *The real names are: 1, 3, 4, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 17. Special sibling bonus if you knew that Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo, Poppy Honey, and Buddy Bear Maurice are siblings, the children of chef Jamie Oliver.

Other Actors Considered For Famous Roles

—S. Sukin and N. Sanghvi

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Lesser-known Hollywood Conspiracy Theories

What Does A Hollywood Producer Actually Do?

George Clooney is not aging well Grown Ups 2 was supposed to beat Argo for the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture, but the presenter couldn’t bring herself to do it There are hidden erotic undertones in Curious George 3: Back to the Jungle There are hidden erotic undertones in 50 Shades of Grey Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are actually the same person Comedian Jerry Seinfeld from Seinfeld and comedian Jerry Seinfeld are actually the same person The Hollywood sign actually reads “More Radish, Please!” in Sanskrit

By J. M. Sharp, Hollywood Producer

­—L. Murphy

Alternatives to the Bechdel Test A movie must feature at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man, but if they do talk about a man at any point, they may only refer to said man as “Mr. Small Penis.”

A movie must include at least one vibrator that is visible in the background of each scene.

A movie, if it contains a scene with a boat or boat-like object, must not contain any scene in which a male character refers to the boat using female pronouns.

(For example: “Look at my boat or boat-like object.

Isn’t she a beaut? I own her” is not allowed.)

A movie must feature a conventionally unattractive girl who is dating a pretty hot guy, but no one makes a big deal about it.

A movie must not promote the cisheteropatriarchal agenda.

Whenever a character drops a handful of coins or spills some sort of condiment, the mess must spell out the phrase “my body, my choice.”

A movie must feature at least two female characters who talk to each other but do not, at any point during the movie, say “Boy, I sure am glad to be making 73 cents for every dollar a man makes, which I deserve, as I am inferior to every man I have met in my life.” ­­—R. Lackner

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It’s a common question even among industry insiders: What do we producers do all day? And why do we deserve to be the ones to receive the best-picture Oscar?

Well, to answer these questions, let me walk you through what it takes to have the very best job in Hollywood, next to being Bradley Cooper.

I’ve been in the producing game a long time, and let me tell you: It is a picnic. A picnic where instead of being outside and eating sandwiches with friends on a bright summer day, you’re inside drinking martinis with seven blondes all named Ashley in a dimly lit, smoky room where Robert Downey Jr. almost died one time. I’m just kidding, of course. Nobody smokes anymore.

Seriously though, I get invited to a lot of parties.

Too many. Sometimes I have to pump myself up by looking straight into the mirror and saying normal producer things, like, “I want the world’s biggest camera on my desk by yesterday,” or, “We’re hungry. We want it. Yes. Yes,” or “She’s out there, waiting. You just gotta find her.

Go out there and earn that executive producer credit.”

Mostly I spend my time looking for just the right girl, with just the right stuff to make it big. I can always tell by looking at her whether she’s got the stuff. It’s a real gift of mine: I’m even thinking of trademarking Sharp StuffTM. We chat chat chat. The next morning, I call around, take some meetings, introduce her to some people who owe my dad favors from back in NYC. Next thing you know, she’s starring in the next seven-movie set of Green Lantern, the checks start rolling in, and someone’s embroidered SHARP on the Producer’s Chair.

Is that all there is to it? Pretty much. Sometimes while shooting I send my intern Kevin to get iced coffee for the crew. I also get to sit on set and watch Ashley squeeze into her lime green bodysuit, but that’s really more of a perk than a responsibility.

I’m still waiting on that Oscar thing.

—E. Lynn-Green

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Lesser-Known Film Festivals

Lesser-Known Celebrity Charities

The Cans Film Festival: Hosted in a funky warehouse in Paris, the three-day punk festival critiques the Cannes Film Festival through a series of films guided by a common socialist mission. There are no awards given, because awards are kind of like money. Instead, the films are holistically evaluated and critiqued by a panel of three mediums who commune with the ghost of Karl Marx.

If you’re tired of glam, glitter, and the rampant exploitation of the masses, visit the Cans Film Festival. Attending bourgeoisie will have their wealth redistributed.

The Steve Harvey Foundation for Geographical Literacy The All-Star Benefit Concert to Fund The Next AllStar Benefit Concert The Steve Buscemi Foundation for Making My Face Not Like This The Brendan Fraser Foundation for Brendan Fraser Awareness The Associated Public Apologies of Steve Harvey The Justin Bieber Foundation to Protect Youth At Risk of Unnatural Drops in Vocal Range The Britney Spears Foundation to Protect Youth At Risk of “Doing it Again” The Kanye West Foundation for Kanye West Just Keeping All of His Money

—L. Murphy

The Veg Is Best Fest: The festival features the best of the holistic food movement’s docudramas. They’re the kind of movies that convinced your roommate to become a vegan and give you her sweet new pair of Ugg Boots. Relive those good times and munch on raw, hormone-free, GMO-free, meat-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, flavor-free vegetable snacks. Though maybe avoid the headlining movie that made your friend call Monsanto “worse than Hitler” in front of a Holocaust survivor.

Dancing Sun Film Festival: The festival is held the week after Sundance to celebrate LSD: Loosely Sourced Documentaries. But also lysergic acid diethylamide.

Primarily the second one, actually. The official policy is BYOLSD, so make sure to hit up your dealer before hitting the road. Also make sure not to arrive late, since the movies all have the same start time, considering that they’re all projected simultaneously onto a single screen.

Come for the Woodstock nostalgia, stay for the supposedly unity-encouraging, camping-only accommodations, leave when the camping-only accommodations turn into smelly anarchy and/or a dude on a bad trip tries to lick your ear.

FeSt: Held periodically, the festival screens all the hottest chemistry films. Don’t be that weird guy who shows up in his lab coat and goggles. The truth is that the new scientist’s uniform is a rumpled, nerdy graphic Tshirt, paired with jeans, converse sneakers, and adorkable Sheldon-from-Big-Bang-Theory-esque social dysfunction.

Adding to the already inherently quarky festival’s strange charm, award eligibility is only available for movies that include iron or strontium.

—K. Kidney

What Your Childhood Celebrity Crush Says About You Shia LaBeouf: You might have been the odd child back then, but damn you had foresight. Maybe try the lottery sometime.

Hilary Duff: You have a taste for bad music and a divorce in your future, but, hey, no one can judge you. Hil’s hot, and there’s no denying it.

Li Shang (that jacked warrior from Mulan): Sure, you have your values straight when it comes to a guy’s character, but Li Shang is a cartoon. That’s fucking weird, man.

Zac Efron: No one can criticize you. Ever. You have excellent taste.

Betty White: You’re about to die, grandpa.

—L. Kingsley C-List Actors Chet Glake Pem Bleakly Tony Orb Brendan Fraser Stor Blinkus —B. Garfinkel

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TRANSCRIPT: AN AUDITION GONE WRONG [DOOR OPENS, AUDITIONEE ENTERS]

CASTING DIRECTOR: Tony Orb? TONY: Yeah!

CASTING DIRECTOR: Great, come on in. We’re ready when you are.

TONY: Right. Okay. Ready, then. I guess.

CASTING ASSISTANT AS “SANDY”: Hurry up, Jimmy, this volcano’s about to explode!

TONY: Don’t forget that we’re scientists, Sandy! If we leave without taking notes, then Professor Filch’s death will have been for nothing!

SANDY: We don’t have time!

TONY: I can do this! Let me just grab my penis – CASTING DIRECTOR: Pens. P-E-N-S. TONY: Oh ... oh my God, I’m sorry.

CASTING DIRECTOR: It’s OK, go on.

SANDY: What are those things coming out of the lava?

TONY: Some kind of orgasm —

CASTING DIRECTOR: Organism.

TONY: Right. Organism.

SANDY: Do you know what these organisms are?

TONY: No, but they’re very interesting … They seem to be traveling in nipples — I mean, ripples— CASTING DIRECTOR: Oh my God. TONY: And ... and they’re coming from all erections— CASTING DIRECTOR: Directions.

TONY: Oh my. Yes. Sorry, I don’t know what’s come over me today. I guess I could try again — CASTING DIRECTOR: No, that’s … that’s enough.

[TONY LEAVES]

CASTING DIRECTOR: Wow, that guy was terrible!

CASTING ASSISTANT: Truly awful, he crashed and burned right at the start.

CASTING DIRECTOR: And he didn’t even make it to my favorite line, “Sex vaginas blowjob fuck butt, Sandy!”

—A. Wang

Child Stars — Where Are They Now? We all remember our favorite child stars. They helped brighten our own childhoods and gave us a chance to imagine what it would be like to be a kid in Hollywood. To bring you back to that simpler time, the Record tracked down some of your favorite child stars and found their exact coordinates. Neat!

Macaulay Culkin: 40.718977, -74.002641; N40° 43.1386’, W074° 0.1585’ Our favorite home defender was spotted in the Starbucks on 405 Broadway, New York, NY. We’ve got news for you, Macaulay: You can’t get a cheese pizza from a coffee shop!

Candace Cameron Bure: 34.0259216, -118.7797571; N34° 1.5553’, W118° 46.7854’ We spotted the eldest daughter on Full House at her own house in Malibu, California. Maybe she’ll invite her former co-stars over to have a Tanner Family reunion!

Dylan & Cole Sprouse: 40.7323387, -73.9901311; N40° 43.9403’, W073° 59.4079’ The Sprouse twins are still living the Suite Life – this time, in an NYU dorm! The question is: Are they still running in the lobby?

Carl ‘Alfalfa’ Switzer: 34.0904912, -118.3198111; N34° 5.4295’, W118° 19.1887’ One of the most famous of the Little Rascals, Carl Switzer, aka Alfalfa, is buried at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles, California. Geez. Can someone say “tragic”?

—J. Houston

Writing: R. Treisman | Design: D. Hoogstraten

Remember Drake and Josh? It feels like only yesterday that we were watching Drake Bell and Josh Peck play teenage stepbrothers who find themselves becoming unlikely friends. It’s hard to imagine that it’s been more than eight years since our beloved hooligans went off the air.

During this interlude, some pretty crazy things have happened. Phones are smaller now, there’s a whole movie about the tiny yellow incomprehensible idiots from Despicable Me, one of those yellow incomprehensible idiots is running for president, and I found a haircut that works with my face shape. But what has happened to Drake Bell, who played the hot musician with the smooth moves and an elegant mid-2000s wardrobe?

Some of you may be thinking that nothing has changed, that this millennial dreamboat looks exactly as he did on September 16, 2007, when we waved farewell to his most memorable character. Or maybe you think he has turned into a majestic, milky-white egret. Perhaps you believe that at the age of 29, Drake Bell has lost his earthly form altogether, and is now merely the whisper of the wind over the first buds of spring.

Boy, are you in for a surprise if you don’t understand the nature of aging in humans. And you are not going to believe your eyes if you struggle to comprehend that current trends in fashion dictate the way we present ourselves to the world from year to year!

Here’s what our beloved Drake looked like in 2007:

And here’s what he looks like now:

Wow. Childhood ruined, am I right?

Writing: R. Lackner | Design: A. Mansfield

NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T ·

TUESDAY, MAR. 8, 2016 2014 · V OL. CX LIV , NO. 5

· yalerecord.org yalerecord.c

“12 Years a Slave” Too Painful to Watch, Says White Woman

By Leila Murphy Staff Reporter Middleton, WI — After a few minutes of contemplation, local Caucasian Amy Cooper decided Tuesday not to rent the hit film “12 Years a Slave.”

“That movie about the slaves— you know, the Brad Pitt one, that won all those Oscars—I realized it’d just be too painful for me to sit through,” she explained with a shudder.

After watching a three-minute trailer for the film, which she described as “pure torture,” Cooper concluded that under no circumstances would she subject herself to the agony of watching the full, three-hour drama, which shows numerous nonwhites experiencing the physical and psychic horror of human enslavement.

“I couldn’t even watch it at that theater with the comfy reclining chairs,” she added.

Cooper, whose ancestors most

“...Naah”

likely owned other human beings themselves, says the film would force her to relive the brutality of the slave experience. “Maybe I’ll read the book,” she said. “Skipping over the graphic descriptions, of

course.”

Cooper, who recently saw the 1989 film “Glory,” also added that she was already an expert on the black experience in America. “I can sleep well tonight knowing there’s

no way I can be a racist. I get it, I’ve seen ‘Glory.’”

Contact leila murphy at join@yalerecord.com

“Selma” Remake to Feature Emma Stone in Every Role By deborah monti Staff Reporter Producers of an upcoming remake of “Selma” have announced that actress Emma Stone will play every single part in the film.

“She really fits every character,” said Angela Harlandson, the film’s casting director. “It was clear during auditions that Emma carries within her a reservoir of emotions that’s just as good as one rooted in real life experiences with racism.”

“What audiences want most

of all is something they can relate to,” director Cameron Crowe told sources. “And while all the Civil Rights stuff might be outside of a lot of people’s wheelhouses, there’s no one more relatable than Emma Stone. With Emma delivering one of King’s iconic speeches on nonviolent resistance, or being beaten in the street by police officers — who, of course, are also played by Emma — it’s just a lot easier to empathize.”

Though the news initially prompted some backlash in minority communities, a recent post on

Stone’s Facebook page announcing that she is pretty sure she might be one-nineteenth African-American is expected to quell the tension.

I am pretty sure I am one-nineteenth African American.

Emma Stone

“Yay, women of color!” she was

later reported shouting while attempting to high-five a local Latina woman.

David Oyetokunbo Oyelowo and Carmen Ejogo, who played Martin Luther and Coretta Scott King in the original film, have so far had little to say about the remake, telling the press that they really just wish Stone the best and let’s leave it at that.

Contact deborah monti at join@yalerecord.com

Could “Citizen Kane” be the “Citizen Kane of Movies”?

By Elizabeth Kinglsey Staff Reporter It’s always around awards season that we find ourselves reflecting on the great history of cinema.

This year, in particular, one question has Hollywood buzzing: Could “Citizen Kane” be the “Citizen Kane of movies”?

Film critic Eric Johnson explained: “We’re looking for the best of the best. If we’re calling Beethoven’s Fifth the ‘Citizen

Kane of symphonies,’ Macbeth the ‘Citizen Kane of theatrical tragedy’ and Mulan the ‘Citizen Kane of late ’90s Disney cartoons,’ you can tell this is an important title. The movie that gets it must be of an incredibly high caliber.”

“The ‘Citizen Kane of movies’ ought to display all the craftsmanship of ‘Citizen Kane’ itself,” Johnson said. “You’ve got to have vital elements like the purchase of a child from his family, the building of an economic empire, something called ‘Rosebud’ (whatever that

is), adultery, a marching band at a business dinner and a lot of ancient Greek sculptures.”

Though Johnson thinks that some of the usual contenders like “Schindler’s List,” “Casablanca” and “The Sound of Music” almost match the sterling criteria, he insists one underappreciated film actually matches the qualifications perfectly. “It’s called ‘Citizen Kane,’” Johnson told the Record.

“You may not have heard of it. I certainly hadn’t before now.”

In a wave of renewed excite-

ment, theaters across America have been holding viewing sessions and round-table discussions to make a final determination. However, so far not everyone is convinced by the critic’s theory about the “Citizen Kane of movies.”

“Ultimately, I really think ‘The Sound of Music’ may have a fair shot at the win,” said one ordinary American interviewed by the Record. “That one has singing nuns.

Seriously. Singing nuns.”

Contact Elizabeth Kingsley at join@yalerecord.com

Paul McCartney: “Beatles” was never meant to be a plural noun

By Paul McCartney Guest Reporter Like the other members of The Beatles, I’ve enjoyed a tremendous amount of success throughout my life. From the hundreds of millions of albums I’ve sold to the experience of being knighted in 1997, it’s hard to imagine that I could have any regrets. But there is something that I, along with John, George and Ringo, have consistently failed on, and now is the time to settle this once and for all. It’s time to make it absolutely clear to the world that “Beatles” was never meant to be a plural noun.

This really is not a difficult concept, but it’s something that people have struggled with for more than 50 years. It doesn’t even occur to most people that “Beatles” could be a singular noun. Reactions when they learn that “Beatles” is singular and that “Beatle” is an illegal nonsense word range from baffled to derisive. They say things like “I don’t understand” or “It ends with an ‘S,’ though” or “English is not my first language, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make any sense.” It’s depressingly

All four Beatlers

close-minded.

We never considered that this could be a problem until the first time a reporter asked us who the fifth Beatle was. John naturally assumed the reporter meant the bug and we spent almost half an hour explaining that we were musicians, not bug scientists. I still get asked, “Who is the fifth Beatle?” and I never know what the fuck they’re talking about. No one ever asks who the fifth Wing is (for the record, Nancy Reagan).

I’ll make it simple for you halfwits: It’s a collective noun, like band, or herd, or mob. That means it’s singular, even though it de-

notes multiple individuals. So yes, “Beatles” has a plural, obviously.

Like you’d say, “Look at that Beatles over there! Here comes another! Now there are two Beatleses.

What a nice day I’m having.”

I’m very tired of explaining this.

In fairness, we never were able to agree on what each member should be called. I always said “Beatler,” but George thought of each of us as a “Beatlebro,” John preferred “Binglebung” and Ringo still calls himself a “God Made Flesh.” This surely led to some amount of confusion, but not to the extent that the entire world

apparently forgot how grammar works. So please, if you hear someone say “Beatle” and they aren’t talking about the car or the insect, you should correct them and then throw them in jail for the rest of their lives.

It’s what the rest of the Beatlers would want.

Contact Paul Mccartney at join@yalerecord.com

A. Leinbach

S. Savitz

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Best Documentaries of 2015 That Are Puns Sconehenge — A riveting look at England’s oldest bakery, “Ye Olde Sugar Shack,” from its mysterious origins to prosperous present. No one knows with certainty how the bakery came to be, but it has remained a tourist destination and household name for centuries.

A. Leinbach

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Saving Lace — An exposé on rampant corruption in the shoelace industry and what can be done to fight it. As filmmaker Steve Richardson wrote, “Millions of Americans wear shoes with laces every day, but no one knows just how much one little string represents.” From scheming conglomerates to literal loopholes, this documentary covers everything and is knot to be missed.

Love Me (Chicken) Tender — This groundbreaking documentary explores the intersection of Elvis Presley’s music and the rise of chicken nuggets as a culinary staple. Viewers go in suspecting that the King and chicken tenders are completely unrelated subjects and leave wondering how they could have ever enjoyed one without the other!

Driving People Away — A look at the emotional plight of Uber drivers that truly tugs at the heartstrings.

Julie MacDonald and her crew investigate the psychological impact of chauffeuring in the 21st century, examining issues like the impact of low ratings, PTSD from irritating or inebriated passengers, and feelings of abandonment at the end of a trip. Drivers Weekly gave it four and a half gas pedals.

Making an Omelet ­— Inspired by the incredibly successful Making a Murderer, this series tells the story of a young chef learning to cook the world’s most beloved egg dish. There are many twists and turns (and flips) in the story, which also serves as trenchant social commentary on breakfast food in the modern age. A petition based on the show has been steadily gaining ground, with over 2,500 signatures in favor of putting omelets on restaurant dinner menus. Should especially appeal to fans of hit podcast Cereal.

—R. Treisman

The 7 Most Impressive Ways Actors Have Prepared for Their Roles Christian Bale, The Dark Knight: Refrained from killing anybody for a whole year in keeping with Batman’s “one rule.”

Mark Ruffalo, The Hulk: Submerged himself in a green smoothie for two months while lifting pickup trucks.

Ellen Degeneres, Finding Nemo: Followed a blue tang around the ocean for a year. They still keep in touch.

Amy Poehler, Inside Out: Began referring to people exclusively by the state of their emotions, including “Joy,” “Fear,” and “Oh My God, You’re Amy Poehler!”

Leonardo DiCaprio, Titanic: Was repeatedly dropped into the middle of the Arctic Ocean and left to die while the film crew taunted him with a life raft.

Morgan Freeman, March of the Penguins: Practiced narrating March of the Penguins until he made it through without crying more than eight times.

Brad Pitt, Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Pretended to fall in love with Angelina Jolie and have a fiery affair. Or wait, maybe…oh.

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I can’t believe this huge opportunity was missed in Ella Enchanted On a lazy night at home, I recently decided to watch the film Ella Enchanted, based on Gail Carson Levine’s 1997 book. I was very excited for the film, which was lauded as a mid-2000s classic and had received an impressive 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. After finishing, however, I found myself shocked by the actions of its characters, disgusted with the movie’s writers, and pining for an alternate ending I couldn’t believe had failed to pass.

For those who haven’t seen the movie, the main conflict centers around a young woman named Ella. As a baby, Ella’s fairy godmother gave her the “gift” of eternal obedience. No matter what someone tells Ella to do, she has to comply. The implications of this condition are shown to be comical (a character tells Ella to “hop to it” and she bounds away with two-footed leaps) but also dangerous (Ella is ordered to stab to death the Prince of the Kingdom, who is also her boyfriend). The rules of the movie’s universe, however, are clear. Whatever someone tells Ella to do will happen, no matter what.

Undoubtedly now you’ve seen what’s causing me distress, so I’ll just go ahead and say it.

How on earth did no one in the movie ever think to tell Ella, “Fix racism”?

It’s mind-bogglingly simple. Ella has to do whatever someone says. Someone tells Ella to fix racism. Boom.

Racism is fixed.

Enchanted purists may point out that Ella didn’t always follow her directive. In the climax of the movie, Ella disobeys her order to kill the prince, breaking her spell in the process. The only time, however, that Ella didn’t obey an order was when the outcome was completely incompatible with her deepest wish. If Ella’s deepest wish is the continued marginalization and oppression of minorities, I think she probably would have dropped the n-word at least once, don’t you?

Maybe not. After all, racists don’t wear their bigotry as proudly on their sleeves as they once might have. But I still think it’s worth the risk. Either (1) we tell Ella to fix racism, and she fixes racism, or (2) we tell Ella to fix

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racism, and the thought of a world free from discrimination and prejudice is so repulsive to Ella that she breaks free of her curse. If the first happens, we enter post-racial America; if the second happens, then we’re no worse off than we were before. Either way, I am still in shock that no one at least tried. Shame on every character who knew of Ella’s condition and chose to not use it to cure us of the blight of racism, shame on the writers, and shame on Miramax and Disney for wasting this powerful tool at their disposal.

Hey, I just thought of another one: Why didn’t anyone tell Ella to build a time machine and warn us about the Challenger Disaster?

—A. Kinnane What’s On TV?: 30, Married, Gainfully Employed, and Pregnant MTV’s newest series gives a raw and shocking glimpse into the lives of 30 year olds who are financially stable, in committed relationships, and expecting their first child. Incredible. Watch to see how these women grapple with their planned pregnancies, all the while navigating help from financially and emotionally supportive partners. Will Lisa’s husband make it to Lamaze class on Thursdays? Will Allison’s “Positively Pregnant” blog attract 100 daily viewers? Will Martha decide to name her unborn daughter “Maya” or “Maia”? Tune in for more unadulterated stories about wed, solvent, and knocked-up adults.

—L. Murphy

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Other Films Reagan Was In Ken Burns’ The Civil War (1990) Reagan had a brief but unforgettable cameo in Ken Burns’ award-winning documentary, playing the majestic cannon perched atop the hill at Bull Run. On two separate occasions, he also filled in for Shelby Foote when the legendary historian of the American South wasn’t feeling well enough to be interviewed.

The Shining (1980) Blink and you’ll miss this one. Remember that scene where Jack Nicholson is looking down at the hedge maze model and it turns into an aerial shot of that same maze? Well Ronald Reagan—jokester that he was—decided it would be really funny to stand in the maze’s center shouting “Tear down these walls!” at the top of his lungs! Kubrick only left it in for a split second, so you have to look really hard.

Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse (2001) Now here’s a shocker! Disney’s direct-to-DVD Christmas special is actually one giant allegory for the failure of Reaganomics to adequately address the needs of the working class. In the scene where all the characters are gathered on stage, Reagan’s face can clearly be seen cackling evilly from beneath Dumbo’s earflap.

Meth: Not Even Once (2012) A little-known fact: Our 40th president actually played every single meth-addled teenager in the Montana Meth Project’s terrifying series of videos about the drug. Now you know who to blame for your kids’ refusal to do meth.

Planet Earth (2006) He was the big frog.

The Presidency of George W. Bush (2001-2009) Reagan wrote, directed, produced, and starred in this groundbreaking eight-yearlong piece of experimental theater, disguising himself as our 43rd president while orchestrating events such as the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the implementation

of No Child Left Behind on a single Hollywood soundstage. How’s that for method acting?

The Tree of Life (2011) Well of course you wouldn’t know about this one, you uncultured piece of shit.

—H. Robinson Roles that Leonardo DiCaprio would be great for Both Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger’s characters in Brokeback Mountain — It’d be all the magic of Lindsay Lohan playing two characters in Parent Trap, but with infinity percent more emotionally complex gay men.

E.T. in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial — Just imagine Leo flying away in that bike basket.

Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story 3 — Fuck the animation, though. Shrink Leo down Space Jam-style and just have him chill with the other toys. He can ride that weird slinky dog.

King Kong in King Kong — Hands down, Leo’s the only fucker with a heart big enough.

Scrat in any of the Ice Age movies — Leo would find a way to keep all those nuts.

The Bear in The Revenant — If Leo had been the one doing the mauling, you better believe he would have finished the job. Then audiences would be spared two-and-a-half hours of watching some asshole covered in his own blood and shit crawling through the strikingly beautiful landscapes of the American West.

Jack Black’s guitar in School of Rock — Jack’s solo on Leo will melt your face off.

Leonardo DiCaprio in whatever life documentary comes out detailing Leo’s inability to lock down an Oscar – No way the fucker’s winning an Oscar for this one.

—D. Megerian

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Rejected Plot Twists We all love classic movies, but some of them went through a few drafts before making it to the big screen. Let’s look at a few failed plot twists that had the writers going back to the drawing board.

The Parent Trap (1998) Two girls, both played by child star Lindsay Lohan, meet at summer camp and find that they’re a little too similar — not only do they look exactly alike, they discover that they were both born on the same day!

Turns out, they were born to different parents and just look, act, and talk exactly the same! Freaky, right?

The Haunting in Connecticut (2009) When the Campbell family rents a house in Connecticut, some strange things begin to happen — the family hears weird noises and their kids begin to have terrifying visions in their sleep! We then find out that these nightmares have been caused by loud sexual activity coming from the couple next door, who use megaphones during intercourse. Spooky!

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Earlier Drafts of Famous Quotes

“Bond. James Bond.”

“James…. Oh, like my full name? Yeah, sorry — It’s James Bond, like the stock thing that people can invest in, but also like my full name… you know… because you asked…. [pauses] I’ve had too many of these stupid cocktails.”

“I am Spartacus.”

“I am definitely not Spartacus. That’s him, over there. Yeah, grey toga, mean-looking eyes. Kill that guy, definitely not me.”

“If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. “ “I’m broke as shit, so don’t play yourself. But I’ll sure as hell fly out there and kick your French daughterthieving ass back into the damn stone ages. You’ll be fending off dinosaurs with a croissant and a shitty accent. [Pounds chest] I’m gonna literally eat you.”

Rear Window (1954) After breaking his leg at a racetrack, a photojournalist is confined to his apartment, where he spends the day looking out his back window at other apartments.

He spots another photojournalist with a broken leg looking out of his back window, and the film shifts to the perspective of the second photojournalist. That photojournalist then sees the unthinkable: another photojournalist looking out of his rear window! As you can imagine, the first draft of this film was over four hundred million pages of endless recursion.

“Just keep swimming.”

“Stop being a bitch and swim, you little orange fuck.

I’m Dory and I forgot my daughter at the grocery store.”

Amadeus (1984) In the original script Mozart was killed when his nemesis, Salieri, dropped a piano on him from Salieri’s fourth-floor apartment, but the script had to be changed because the director couldn’t stop crying during the scene’s filming.

“It is always darkest just before the dawn.”

“It might get better soon. Probably not, though.

Become an alcoholic?”

—J. Houston

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

“Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because your father and I are getting a divorce and it’s because of you.”

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

“Just don’t fuck it up, Parker.”

“Bond. James Bond.”

“James Bond.”

—D. Megerian

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Things that could have happened during the Challenger launch that would have made us laugh instead of cry

A. Leinbach

The NASA engineers could have realized that, instead of a space shuttle, they had accidentally built a giant toaster Instead of the Challenger Space Shuttle exploding, everyone in America could have watched the movie Anchorman Instead of seven beloved astronauts, there could have been Hitler, and instead of exploding, he could have asked his crush to the prom and had her say yes but in a way where you could tell she wasn’t that excited about it All of the astronauts could have had the voice of Gilbert Gottfried The night before, one of the astronauts could have said, “If the Challenger crashes tomorrow, then I’ll eat my hat!”

Instead of filling the tank correctly, NASA engineers

could have filled it with thousands of microwavable meals and then when the launch failed yelled, “It’s not hot pocket science!”

After the explosion, a NASA engineer could have turned to the camera and said “I’ll have what she’s having” Instead of the Challenger burning up in the atmosphere, it could have accidentally pantsed former president Jimmy Carter Instead of Christa McAuliffe dying in her attempt to be the first teacher in space, she could have held a press conference on the moon announcing that she was renaming her child Butts McGee Instead of the space shuttle breaking apart after 73 seconds, it could have broken apart after 69 seconds —B. Beitler and A. Kinnane

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LOCAL REPUBLICAN DRINKS COFFEE TOO QUICKLY, ACCIDENTALLY FEELS THE BERN Dear Yalies, Interested in participating in philanthropy, making friends for life, and dragging small children into bogs?

Then rush Kappa!

—A kappa, the legendary Japanese water demon Dear Clifford, I get that you’re a big, red dog and everything, but that doesn’t excuse the

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fact that you ate my husband. He was minding his own business. You just hate him because he got the promotion and you didn’t. You just ruined Arbor Day, way to go.

—Clifford the dog, in a mirror, after he ate his own husband on Arbor Day

GRADUATING SENIORS TO MISS GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE, DIMMER AWARENESS OF THE FUTILITY OF THEIR ENDEAVORS

SCIENTISTS DECLARE MITTENS TO BE THE “UNIBOOB” OF GLOVES Dear flame thrower, How does one throw flames? Is it like a game of catch? My dad never plays catch with me. Can I throw flames at him?

—Timmy, age 6 Dear voters, I know I couldn’t be where I am today without you. You know I’d give any of you the shirt off my back.

—Hillary Clinton, wearing 100 shirts, desperately pandering to Iowans before the caucus

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Dear horse, Why the long face?

—A snarky bartender Dear bartender, Millions of years of favorable genetic selection, resulting, perhaps randomly, in an extended snout.

—What a horse would say if strong vocal cords had been genetically selected in its species

“JEOPARDY!” HOST ALEX TREBEK GETS EXTENDED PRISON SENTENCE AFTER DEMANDING IT BE GIVEN IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION Dear man, You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!

—Rod Serling’s wife, who has recently nicknamed her vagina “the Twilight Zone”

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the stanley h. arffa lecture series

Constructing Jewish Gender Moshe Rosman Professor of Jewish History Bar Ilan University

Constructing Jewish Gender Moshe Rosman Professor of Jewish History Bar Ilan University

Moshe Rosman was born in Chicago, USA and studied at the Jewish Theological Seminary of America and Columbia University. He has lived in Israel since 1979 where he teaches in the Koschitzky Department of Jewish History at Bar Ilan University. In 2010 he served as the Horace Goldsmith Visiting Professor at Yale. Rosman specializes in the history of the Jews in the early modern period in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. His books include: The Lords’ Jews: Magnate-Jewish Relations in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth; Founder of Hasidism: A Quest for the Historical Ba’al Shem Tov; and How Jewish Is Jewish History?

5:00 pm March 2

•

Comparative Literature Library, Bingham Hall, 300 College St., 8th Floor March 8

March 10

A Protofeminist’s Challenge to Gender Gender Under Construction: Reconstructing Gender: Market, Order: Leah Horowitz’s Tekhino Imohos From Genesis To Hasidism Literature, Halakhah, Synagogue Reception Rosman to follow was born in Chicago, USA and studied Reception to follow Reception to follow Moshe at the Jewish Theological Seminary of America and Columbia University. He has lived in Israel since 1979 where he teaches in the Koschitzky Department of Jewish History at Bar Ilan University. In 2010 he served as the Horace Goldsmith Visiting Professor at Yale. Rosman specializes in the history of the Jews in the early modern period in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. His books For information, please contact Renee Reed at (203) 432-0843 or renee.reed@yale.edu include: The Lords’ Jews: Magnate-Jewish Relations in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth; Founder of Hasidism: A Quest for the Historical Ba’al Shem sponsored by the judaic studies program at yale university Tov; and How Jewish Is Jewish History?

—L. Unsworth

A. Leinbach