The Corporate America Issue

Vol. 146, No. 6

THE YALE

Mar. 31, 2018

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

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TECHNOLOGY FOR THE WIN! I TESTED MY ELECTRICAL OUTLETS WITH A FORK, AND THEY ALL WORK REALLY WELL To the Yale Community: Please stop dressing the Woolsey statue in embarrassing outfits. It is disrespectful, and prevents visitors from touching his foot.

Sincerely, Peter Salovey

CAUSE FOR CONCERN: ISIS HAS FINALLY ACQUIRED ITS BLACK BELT Dear Peter Salovey, The banana costume keeps me warm. Also, I hate when they touch my foot. Also, fuck you.

Sincerely, The Woolsey Statue

SHOCKING: REAL HOME ADDRESSES OF YOU AND OTHER YALE STUDENTS AVAILABLE ONLINE TO ANYONE WITH A NETID. Dear Dirty Martinis, What makes you so dirty?

Sincerely, A clean but curious martini

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION GIVES IN TO FIFTH-GRADE UNION’S DEMANDS, BRINGS BACK TACO TUESDAY Dear Jared Kushner, My sources tell me your ass is horridly small and I will promptly be throwing you in jail.

Sincerely, Robert Mueller

FOR SALE: Baby shoes, never worn. My

baby came out with grown-up feet.

T he Y ale R ecord

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ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.

WARNING! Do not go quietly into that good night.

$

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A GULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A GULL BOUY.

iOS 12 ALARM

BUNDLE

MALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A GULL BOUY. MALL WART AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A GULL BOUY. MALL WART SAND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A GULL BOUY. MALL WART SAND SNOW PLAY MAKES JACK, EH GULL BOUY! MALL WART SAND SNOW SLEIGH MAKES JACK, EH GULL BOUY! MALL WART SAND SNOW SLEIGH TAKES JACK, EH GULL BOUY! MALL WART SAND SNOW SLEIGH TAKES QUACK, EH GULL BOUY!

—Tired of those annoying Apple alarms ruining your mornings?

—Want to start your day feeling refreshed and jazzed up?

THEN DOWNLOAD THE NEWEST ALARM PACKAGE! New Sounds Include • Monkeys Just Monkeying Around • Crippling Self-Hate • Fire Alarm • “The Sound of Silence,” Performed Live by Simon and Garfunkel • Fear • A Third-Grade Class Rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” Played on Recorder • Crinkling a Bag of Potato Chips • Gilbert Gottfried Reciting the “Pledge of Allegiance” • Vuvuzela Freestyle Jazz • A Gentle Whisper Saying “Rise and Shine”

—A. Zbornak

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AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCES LOBOTOMY IS THE NEW CIRCUMCISION Dear Mitch, Hear me out. Dirty politician sexy car wash on White House lawn.

Reduce deficit, have fun. Thoughts?

Love, Paul

ANNUAL SWINGERS PARTY HELD ON 5TH GRADE PLAYGROUND

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STUDENT BANNED FROM REFERRING TO “CHARACTER’S AGENCY” IN SEMINAR, NOW HE JUST KIND OF SITS THERE Baby,

can’t you see

I’m calling

A guy like you should wear a warning

It’s dangerous

I’m falling

Na na nana na na nah na, Doo do do do

OPPOSITES ATTRACT? THIS FIREFIGHTER MARRIED A FEMALE FIREFIGHTER

Check out

our website, yalerecord.org, for more great content!

MISSING:

Man who struggles to give love. Responds to “Dad.”

—E. Connors

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T he Y ale R ecoRd

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RECORD ANNOUNCES NEW BIG FOUR: WAR, CONQUEST, FAMINE, AND DEATH PRODUCT PLACEMENT FTW: THE VATICAN HAS ANNOUNCED THAT CHILDREN WILL NOW BE BAPTIZED WITH A REFRESHING CAN OF MELLO YELLO

Dear Tommy, Hold the railing as you go down the stairs!

Sincerely, Mom Dear Mom, Thud thud thud thud CRACK. Best, Tommy’s head

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OUTGOING RECORD BIG FOUR IMMEDIATELY SIGN UP FOR THE HERALD DAVID SWENSEN INTERRUPTS SPRING FLING, GETS ONSTAGE TO CALL YDN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF A “FAKE-ASS HOE”

Emmy Waldman ‘11

A

s I accelerated my new Midnight Blue Ferrari 488 Spider Convertible across the George Washington Bridge and back towards New Haven, I couldn’t wait to tell the rest of The Record about the amazing deal I had just negotiated. But when I received a call on my Blackberry from Vicky, our Publisher, I knew I had been discovered. “Go for Matt,” I said.

“Did you just put our magazine on the New York Stock Exchange?” Vicky demanded, clearly not thrilled about the amazing deal. “We barely make enough to cover our own costs, let alone shareholder demands. This is going to bankru…”

I hung up. The Editorial Board needed to be on their A-games for this. If we were going to beat the stock market, we were going to have to act like history’s most successful businesspeople.

“So you want us to lie about everything?” Ellen asked, as I presented my plan to everyone back at the office.

“Everything,” I repeated, “and we’re going to start with these.” I emptied a box filled with Bluetooth headsets and containers of hair gel onto the table. “Slick businesspeople have slick hair, and they put one headset in each ear to show they can take two calls at once.” Everyone came forward and picked up their Bluetooth devices. Jake began coating his entire body in gel.

“So what?” Elliot asked. “We dress pretentiously, and the magazine suddenly becomes profitable?”

“God no, we’re never making another magazine again.” I replied. “You’re all Yale students: what’s the first thing you think about when someone says ‘business’?” They all mumbled something about consulting. “That’s right. Finance,” I continued. “And in the finance world, you don’t need to sell a product to get rich. Ever heard of a derivative?”

“What, like in calculus?” asked Dylan, assuming I’d actually premise my Editorial on a technical math term.

“Actually, it’s a technical banking term,” interjected Rishi, “money based on money, a bet that you make on the value of a stock or bond. Like how those guys from The Big Short made billions in 2008 by betting against the housing market,” he exposited ham-fistedly.

The rest was simple. With our greasy, headpiecey ensembles, we were poised to join the greats: Bernie Madoff, Jordan Belford, Martha Stewart. Like them, we all knew one truth about finance, that it’s too complex for anything to be illegal. And because of that, our plan was clear:

T he C orporate A merica I ssue get investors to bet on our success while internally betting against ourselves. The publication would tank, as it would’ve done anyways under my leadership, but we’d make billions of dollars. Just like in The Big Short.

And as it turned out, the one bond we couldn’t bet against was the bond of our friendship. Lane and Adam competed for investors, leveraging our very healthy financial statements – which we had stolen from the Yale Daily News – to each clear millions of dollars a week. “Liar, liar, business is on fire,” Noah repeated constantly. Archie had grown fond of the hair gel, so he used his online editorial privileges to buy dozens of boxes of it and store them in my Ferrari, which was one of those expensive performance models with the trunk under the front hood. And our seniors, who we in the business world call “risk-averse,” had for whatever reason wanted nothing to do with our plan and left to join The Herald.

Between the stock market, the bets on the stock market, and the bets on the bets on the stock market, we quickly accrued hundreds of millions in value. When the Yale Daily News tried to sue us for fraud, Liz suggested that we just buy their publication, which we did before moving into their fancy building. Realizing that we would need someone to collect on our many new business transactions, we took Nathan’s advice and hired some muscle. Chloe recognized that having our enforcers breaking fingers wasn’t strictly legal, so we paid some ethically flexible folks at the police department to look the other way.

Times were good. Very good. But as with all meteoric business successes, it’s all fun and games until you’re caught Liz Kingsley ’19 Chair

9

insider trading. I was looking over our balance sheet in the fancy Yale Daily News building with the rest of the Board when I noticed something grievously wrong.

“Which one of you idiots hedged against the bond of our friendship?” I asked. “That was a metaphor!” On cue, a siren went off outside – the SEC was coming to audit us.

I yelled at everyone to run, but they didn’t respond, unable to hear me over the Bluetooth headpieces they were wearing in both ears. I bolted outside towards the Ferrari. But as I turned the ignition and caught a whiff of hair gel, leaked from the front-trunk into the engine, it was too late. I barely managed to dive to the curb and take cover before the entire vehicle burst into flames. Liar, liar, the car’s on fire.

In the end, Dylan was right about this being a calculus thing. Friendship had been the only constant in our corporate ascension, and in taking a derivative of that constant, we were left with nothing. We had bought ourselves everything that money could buy, and the SEC took it all: our assets, our fancy building, our goons. But as we returned to our old small office and, with a sigh, began to write this Corporate America Issue, we realized we had something even more valuable: we were still not the Yale Daily News. You just can’t put a price on that.

—M. Abuzalaf Editor in Chief

Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Editor in Chief

Archie Kinnane ’18 Online Editor in Chief

Vicky Liu ’19 Publisher

Noah Amsel ’20 Webmaster

Dylan Schifrin ’20 Managing Editor

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Director of Online Content

Chloe Prendergast ’20 Art Director

Rishi Mirchandani ’19 Business Manager

Elliot Connors ’20 Online Managing Editor

Ellen Yang ’20 Managing Editor

Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor

Lane Unsworth ’19 Staff Director

Jake Houston ’19 Publicity Manager

Graham Ambrose ’18 Old Owl

Brian Beitler ’18 Old Owl

Alex Ringlein ’18 Old Owl

Chasan Hall ’18 Old Owl

Louisa Cone ’18 Old Owl

Staff: Colin Baciocco ‘21 Madelyn Blaney ‘21 Walker Caplan ‘20 Adam Chase ‘19 Emma Chanen ’19 Caleb Cohen ‘21 Simon Custer ‘20 Anastasia Dalianis ‘21 Ethan Fogarty ‘21

Contributors: Sonia Gadre ’20 Andrew Gamzon ’20 Timur Guler ’18 Carina Hahn ’20 Sami Hakani ’18 Carter Helschien ’18 Alex Hoganson ’20 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19

Katie Kidney ’19 Laura Koech ‘21 Mariah Kreutter ’20 Dalia Moallem ‘21 Veena Muraleetharan ’20 Leila Murphy ’19 Max Nobel ‘21 Micah Osler ’18 Noah Rae-Grant ‘18

Henry Robinson ’19 Harry Rubin ‘21 Marcy Sanchez ‘21 Sahaj Sankaran ’20 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19 Rachel Treisman ’19 Maya Vasquez ‘21 Alissa Wang ’19

Jocelyn Wexler ‘21 Ashton Winters ’20 Grace Wynter ’20 Andy Xie ‘21 Jacob Yoder-Schrock ‘21

Nick Abuzalaf ‘21 Nate Cuevas ‘21 Ben Kronengold ‘18 Rebecca Shaw ‘18 Alec Zbornak ‘21

Special thanks to: David Swensen.

Front Cover: Vicky Liu ‘19; Back Cover: Harry Rubin ‘21 & Matt Abuzalaf ‘18 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLVI, No. 6, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2018 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

WAYS TO DISTINGUISH A CORPORATION FROM A PERSON Corporations are rarely named Ron and are never my new dad I don’t have a dead corporation in my garage I don’t hold onto the childish hope that a corporation will tell me he’s proud of me I’ve never mowed down a corporation in my Nissan Altima No corporations yelled that my throws were effeminate during a baseball game Corporations can’t contract hepatitis via blood transfusion Corporations can have many arms but a person only has two, one of which is five feet down the road from my Nissan Altima I’ve been inside a corporation —Staff THANKS TO MY COMPANY’S NEW OPEN OFFICE LAYOUT, I’VE FINALLY GAINED THE PERMANENT MOBILITY I CRAVE If you’re still in a cubicle, you might as well be working in a prison cell. Studies have shown that allowing for a more mobile and flexible work environment increases collaboration, innovation, and productivity. They’ve also proven that the employees of closed offices are miserable, stupid, and dangerously inclined to leave at the ends of their shifts.

My company opened up our offices quite recently, but it already feels like the age of coffee makers and office banter about Last Night’s Game – the era of the cubicle with framed pictures of my family, each capturing the memory of a treasured family moment – passed into history an eternity ago. I

feel as though eons without number have passed since I last tousled my son’s hair or felt any sensation at all. It’s funny how time passes so differently now that I’m productive and mobile and physically unable to leave work!

It’s certain that any employee will be more satisfied with their job – and by that, I mean generating more output – once they enter a work environment that removes all existing barriers and replaces them with brick walls in front of all doors and windows. Personally, I know I still abstractly perceive the notion of what I once called “happiness” in this new open office, even if it is a dark, endless tomb for the damned souls imprisoned within.

After all, what’s an eternity of work when you’re having fun?

—C. Baciocco

THINGS I DID DURING MY UNPAID PUBLISHING INTERNSHIP Copyedited (copy-edited?) a manuscript titled Holistic Hygge: Uniting Mind, Body, and Spirit Through the Danish Art of Coziness Brainstormed new justifications for majoring in English Attended a networking event where I rubbed shoulders with the industry’s real heavyweights: paid interns Finally finished Infinite Jest Made a Goodreads account so I could tell everyone in my social circle that I had finally finished Infinite Jest Gained valuable industry experience that will equip me to thrive as a Random House intern in the summer of 2018 Disappointed my parents —M. Kreutter

T he C orporate A merica I ssue

WHAT HAPPENS AT A PAPER CLIP INDUSTRY REGIONAL CONFERENCE STAYS AT A PAPER CLIP INDUSTRY REGIONAL CONFERENCE I’ve been working for OfficeGate for three years, and now, finally, it’s happening: I’ve been selected as a department representative for the Regional Conference of Paper Clip Manufacturers in Schenectady, New York. I’ve made it to the big leagues, baby! Scott, the stud of Quality Assurance, still tells legends of last year’s conference. Suites at the Radisson, free coffee in Conference Room C, and name-brand bottled water under every chair in the auditorium. That’s right — no more knockoff hydration substitutes for this guy!

When I got off the train and told the cab driver to “take me where the action is,” I knew he’d get me where I needed to be. When the Paper Clip Boys come to town, everybody knows it. I have to admit, though, the Radisson isn’t quite what I expected. It’s more like an abandoned factory than a service-driven hotel designed for the modern American traveler, but I appreciate the effort to remind the corporate fat cats of the office supply industry that the economy is fragile. The people here are mostly wearing metal-studded leather, except for the staff, who wear dark maroon hooded cloaks. I guess it’s casual Friday all week long at these things!

When I got to my cot, I overheard a conversation about a “cage match,” which I can only assume is a heated debate over whether applying a protective lacquer coat to the clips provides a sufficient return on investment. Nobody would explain the “punishment of the apostates” to an uninitiated, but I’m expecting that we’ll be hearing a thorough takedown of the recent move towards staplers sooner or later. Either that, or something about the live goat trapped within a circle of flame that everyone’s been whispering to.

Man, Todd from marketing is going to be so jealous when he hears about this!

—M. Nobel OTHER THINGS CEO COULD STAND FOR Crush European Oligarchies!

Calcium Enriched Omnivore Can Echidnas Overcome?

Colleen Endlessly Oscillates Crap, Everyone’s Old! Commas Expedite Oration Clank! Excessive Onomatopoeia!

Chief Extortion Officer

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COFFEE IS CANCELLED

BOSTON, MA—Violence and disarray erupted on Tuesday at the Boston Consulting Group headquarters after CEO Rich Lesser sent an email announcing the end of coffee in the offices.

“After careful consideration, the executive board has decided that buying coffee for our workers is an inefficient use of capital. It’s far more efficient for all that money to go directly to me, for my own personal use,” wrote Lesser, who is affectionately known to his friends as “Saint Richard.”

Senior Associate Dick Lang immediately threw a temper tantrum upon receiving the email. “Fucking kill me, fuck!” he reportedly yelled, while smashing the framed $100 bill on his cubicle wall with a hammer. Luckily, the crooked three-by-three inch portrait of his son stuck to the wall with a wad of discarded chewing gum was left relatively unscathed.

Over two hundred employees took a more pacifistic approach, packing their bags, uttering a snide remark or two, and walking out of the office immediately. “We all hated our jobs here anyway. So my response to this is, you know, it’s all good,” said ex-analyst Laura Ho. A few employees remained, however, even after Lesser’s email was sent. One, Brian Moser, was found at the coffee machine brewing quarters in lieu of coffee beans. “This is probably healthier, to be honest,” said Moser, who believes he can finally get over his caffeine addiction by drinking hot money-water every morning instead.

—R. Mirchandani

SIGNS THAT THE NEW GUY YOU’RE DATING IS A GOLDMAN SACHS INTERN He refers to dates as “one-on-ones” He sexts via LinkedIn He’s eager to network with your parents for the first time His idea of protection is low-risk mutual funds He’s more of an ‘idea guy’ when it comes to cleaning He calls his penis “The Big Short” He’s really good at bringing you coffee

—E. Yang

—Staff

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EASY WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR TYPING SPEED Practice: They say it takes ten thousand hours to master something. While this may sound daunting, think of it as just five hours of practice each day for two thousand days. Besides, after a 16-hour shift at the office, there’s nothing better than kicking back and unwinding with some typing exercises.

You could even try hammering out words and phrases you know you will use often, like “profits,” “synergy,” “off-shore accounts,” “rundowns,” “fraud,” “really bad fraud,” and “touch base.”

Cut Out Unecesary Leters: Let’s be real: This is a report, not an English paper. Spare your boss the gramar leson and shave of double leters to increase efficiency. She wil be more concerned with your profits than your speling skils.

Don’t Edit: Tiem is the game of the name here, and if you want to have your reports dones bt the end of the day, you need to stop wastng time editidng. ultimlatly iftheres one thin g that matetwrs in busness its mony amd wheni t c0mes to ttht youv got too go ffor quanuty ovvr quallty .

Do Not Cover Your Keyboard With Glue For A Cheap Joke About “Sticky Keys”: Please just trust me on this one.

—N. Cuevas

—M. Vasquez

WOMEN OF HOLLYWOOD ALLY WITH SIDEWALK DOOMSAYER PROCLAIMING “TIME’S UP”

CHARLOTTE, NC—Onlookers watched in horror this morning as the blocks adjoining the Bank of America Corporate Center were inundated with a wave of bankers fleeing from their offices. According to local sources, the freak event was likely caused by the breakdown of several vending machines normally frequented by the company’s employees.

Standing outside the glass-fronted tower, several workers complained that their usual vendors weren’t yet open. “Right now, I feel as if life is a long, dull nightmare that I can’t wake up from,” said John Hayworth Jr., Vice President of Corporate Sales, jittering and visibly sweating despite the wintry thirty-four degrees.

Many coffee shop owners closed their doors in the face of the mass exodus, concerned for their patrons and the safety of their stores after a car down the street was overturned and burned by screaming interns.

“We tried to negotiate with them, but they just kept babbling nonsense,” reported local Starbucks manager Marie Kim, recalling them to have spouted such gibberish as “Plththplpllth” and “It’s okay not to have an internship during your first-year summer.”

At press time, independent dealers had reached most of the bankers, who were soon revitalized and on their way back to work. Bank of America has announced that it will resume its regular supply of cocaine tomorrow.

—C. Baciocco

CREATIVE ACTIVITES FOR YOUR COMPANY’S CORPORATE RETREAT Guess who wrote that passive-aggressive note on the yogurt “Fix” the Q2 2017 income statements to account for the $10 million discrepancy in profits Potato Sack Race, to remind them what they’ll be wearing if they quit this job Compete to see who can enter the sequential $100 bills into the balance sheet fastest Assign fun superlatives like “Best cubicle décor” or “Most likely to rat to the SEC” Shred any documents that tie the CEO to South American Opium Cartels A scavenger hunt —Staff

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DIARY OF A WATER COOLER 10/11/17 Dear Diary, It’s been a pretty uneventful day so far, except for one thing. I heard Elaine and Karen talking, and apparently Nathan’s wife is cheating on him. Everyone knows except him. Poor guy. He’s always been really nice to me. He fills up his water bottle at the beginning of the day so he doesn’t have to keep coming back. Unlike some other people who work here cough Elaine cough.

10/12/17

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10/16/17 Sorry about yesterday. Nathan did more damage than I originally thought.

10/24/17 It’s been 11 days since Nathan first forgot his water bottle. He seems happier, but clearly has no intention of bringing it back. I’ll be okay, though. Because whenever I gaze at those small, barely perceptible Garfields clustered on his tie, I see the tiny seeds of hope in a broken man.

And to me, that’s all that matters.

10/25/17

Alright, Elaine, this is getting ridiculous. Remember how yesterday I complained about how I hate when you get water 20 times a day? Well, you also need to stop talking so loudly about Nathan’s wife. One of these times he’s going to hear you.

Why is it that the employees you love always hurt you the most?

—A. Dalianas

10/13/17 I think Nathan knows. He seemed really upset, but what freaked me out most is that he forgot his water bottle.

He hasn’t forgotten his water bottle in seven years. Sure, in the past he’s forgotten his briefcase, wallet, and tie with those tiny pictures of Garfield on it. But never his water bottle. He looked more and more upset each time he had to come get water. I wish I could talk to him about what’s going on.

10/14/17 Not to be dramatic, but this was the worst day of my life. Nathan forgot his water bottle again, and then when he tried to get water for the 17th time this afternoon and I was empty, he kicked me. I know he’s upset about his wife – I would be too, if water coolers were capable of what humans call “emotion” – but I don’t get why he has to take it out on me.

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I LOVE MY JOB I love my job. Every morning I leave my house in Bethesda at 4:50 so I can walk into CBS Studios by 12:15. When I get to work I walk into the makeup room and I stick each hand into a huge vat of ointment and I rub the ointment onto Young Sheldon’s head. My job is not finished until the entirety of Young Sheldon’s head is caked with slimy ointment because his scalp is a war zone. Sometimes at my job where I rub the ointment onto Young Sheldon’s head I ask him how school is going or what he is up to. Then the makeup designer storms in and says please do not talk to Young Sheldon. Then I wrap his body in plastic and hose the ointment off of Young Sheldon’s head. Then it’s 5:30 so I’m done with my job. I drive back to Bethesda and watch Jimmy Fallon and think about how I can’t wait to go back tomorrow.

—J. Houston

Open seven days a week

Lunch Dinner Late Night

Enjoy two large screen TVs in our back room!

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GOLDMAN SACHS ANNOUNCES “HIRE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY” New York, NY—Insisting it had always “treated its employees like family and vice versa,” Goldman Sachs announced today that its 15th annual “Hire Your Kid to Work Day” will be held on February 18.

Executives’ children will experience the same meticulous vetting process as other applicants, undergoing a rigorous series of interviews from 9:30 a.m. to 9:45 a.m.

Questions will address topics ranging from why the applicant left his previous job as an “entrepreneur” to how he would hypothetically overcome an obstacle in his life.

“It’s just a great way to get kids involved,” said Goldman Vice Chairman Richard J. Knodde, attempting to rustle the thickly gelled hair of his 32-year-old son Kenneth. “Now hop off my lap for a second, Kenny.”

According to Knodde, the program will prepare children for careers in a variety of fields, ranging from finance to financial investment. Participants will be trained in accordance with Goldman’s New Ethics Parameters for Optimized Techniques In Securing Money (NEPOTISM).

The afternoon’s slate of activities is designed to keep kids engaged during the notoriously sleepy hours postbrunch. After a rousing round of “Spot the Difference Between The Two Balance Sheets And Make The Problem Go Away,” kids will unwind by coloring in SECsubpoenaed documents with black marker.

“Who are we to stunt these kids’ creativity?” said President Harvey M. Schwartz. “Now please get off my lap, Kenneth. We talked about this.”

—N. Abuzalaf

“At the end of the day, our goal is to build these kids’ trust and ensure that they have lots of fun,” Schwartz continued. “Build their trust, and fun. Build their trust, fun.

Build their trust fund.”

—C. Cohen & E. Connors

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T he Y ale R ecord

Goldiman Sachs

And the Three First Years

By Rishi Mirchandani

Once upon a time, there was a Yale student named Goldiman Sachs. Goldiman was an upstanding student who always kept his nose out of mischief. Until, that is, the night of the First Year Screw. That night, three notorious Saybrook first years were pregaming in their suite. They were known around campus as the Frightening Frat Boy, the Mellow Mathematician, and the Pretentious Pre-Med. The Frightening Frat Boy was the tallest kid on campus. Rush season had just finished, and having been tapped by SigNu, SigEp, Leo, and Deke, he’d joined all four. The Pretentious Pre-Med constantly intimidated his classmates by being the sole class participant in lecture and, when he could help it, in section, too. And the Mellow Mathematician was always so busy thinking about math that he forgot to express emotion. His favorite ice cream flavor was plain, as vanilla was far too much for him.

After the three left for Screw, Goldiman wandered into their suite and found three red Solo cups on the counter. He grabbed one, the Frightening Frat Boy’s. After a big swig, he shuddered. “Gah!! Grain alcohol?! Too strong!” He picked up another, the Mellow Mathematician’s, and drank. “2% milk? Too weak!” So he picked up the Pretentious PreMed’s cup and downed it. “Finally! A Miller Genuine Draft 64. This is juuuust right.”

Woozy, Goldiman took a seat on the Frightening Frat Boy’s jumbo bean bag, becoming completely ensconced in it. Too soft! After fighting his way out, he took a seat on the Mellow Mathematician’s stool. He leaned back to relax, only to find himself flat on the floor. Too hard!

Finally, he tried the Pretentious Pre-Med’s futon. “Perfect!” said Goldiman. “But I’m tired now. I’m going to find a place to nap.”

Goldiman went to the room shared by the Frightening Frat Boy and the Mellow Mathematician first. The Frightening Frat Boy had put the two beds together to make a queen for himself, and Goldiman climbed in. “Too big!” he said. But before he could try out the Mellow Mathematician’s makeshift haystack of a bed and the perfectly normal bed in the Pretentious Pre-Med’s room, completing the trio of trios that gives this story its main narrative thrust, all three suitemates returned, as Screw had been really lame and stupid.

“What the fuck are you doing in my bed?” demanded the Frightening Frat Boy, picking up the baseball bat next to his door.

“Wait a minute!” yelped Goldiman, scrambling to his feet. “Do you know who I am?

My name is Goldiman Sachs,” he said, pointing a trembling finger at them. “I can get you all jobs at Goldman. Why else would I have this stupid name? $70,000 base salary and more than half of that in annual bonuses. All you’ll have to give up is 100 hours a week and any semblance of a work-life balance, and we can all forget what just happened here. What do you say?”

The three suitemates looked at each other and nodded.

And none of them were ever seen again.

The End

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THE RECORD’S TOP SEVEN ELEVATOR CONVERSATION STARTERS 1. Happy Monday! Have you checked out the new herbal teas in the employee break room? Also, please kill me.

2. I have been growing a boil on my lower back and pruning it like a bonsai tree in your image 3. Stephanie, I am replacing you with a robotic forelimb.

4. I’ve had the same job for thirty years. Every time I ask my boss for a promotion, he hands me a small box. Every time I open the box, I hear my grandfather’s voice saying, “There is no afterlife,” amidst the tortured wails of the incorporeal. Bosses, right?

5. Robotic forelimb, I am replacing you with a hyperdimensional idea sphere.

6. This morning, I realized that I’ve never tasted mango. It was an ephemeral realization, gone as quickly as it had arrived, one that merely stopped to wipe its feet on the metaphorical welcome mat of

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conscious thought. But it got me thinking: is this all there is to life? Are we forever trapped within the confines of our own existential inertia? Are novelty, excitement, yea, even fulfillment mere concepts of the past as we hurdle ceaselessly, inevitably, interminably down the—man, the gas leak in this building gets worse every day, doesn’t it?

7. Idea sphere, I am replacing you with my nephew.

—D. Schifrin

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—H. Rubin

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—A. Zbornak

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MONOLOGUE OF THE OFFICE MICROWAVE <Office Int. Enter Kitchenaid Microwave> MICROWAVE: To preheat, or not to preheat – that is the question: Whether ‘tis more delicious in the office to risk The burns and carcinogens of over-cooked popcorn Or to get it through your thick skull that it only takes Me fucking two and a half minutes to cook it.

NOT three minutes, Rick. Yes, the thirty seconds makes a world of Difference. Learn from your mistakes, you buttered-up fuckstick.

To work, to eat – more – and by eat to say you end The hunger, and the painful monotony That thy cubicle is heir to. ‘Tis ‘foods’ not fit for human consumption That I nuke. To work, to eat – to eat – perchance ANYTHING BUT THE HOT POCKET. Ay, there lies my foe, For in that evil pustule of sauce what putrid grease stains my walls.

And, I don’t care that it tastes exactly like a four-cheese pizza, Finding a cleaved pinky toe in your mozzarella-parmesancheddar-asiago blend should be reason enough to lay off that shit.

WOLF OF WALL STREET MAULS THIRD BANKER THIS WEEK

NEW YORK, NY—According to local authorities, yet another banker was hospitalized Thursday morning after Wall Street’s infamous canine menace returned this week. The creature, referred to by locals as “The Wolf of Wall Street,” has reportedly evaded Animal Control for months.

The wolf seemed to have disappeared on his own following five attacks last November, but this week’s attacks announced his aggressive return. “If only we hadn’t tossed him that rabbit carcass, or let him relieve himself on that pile of intern résumés,” laments John Randolf, a New York Stock Exchange floor broker, “then he might have stayed away.”

The unpredictability of the animal’s rampage has left many on edge. “No one feels safe these days,” commented Martin Chavez, CFO of Goldman Sachs. “What with the SEC and FINRA breathing down our backs and all, how could we?”

Onlookers have reported seeing white powder on the wolf’s nose. “Must’ve gotten into someone’s cocaine again,” observed Randolf. “Not mine though. I checked.”

—L. Kingsley

Many a lunch break would I bear Francis’ insufferable story Of the time he saw Gary Busey at an Outback Steakhouse.

Th’ exaggerators wrong, the proud man’s tall tales, The way the story changed from “waving at” to “Sharing a blooming onion with,” when speaking to Hot Amy in Accounting.

The drab of the office kitchen, and the pungency That countless leftovers take, when I myself Could put an end to the misery with a single, metal fork?

But forget my suffering.

With this regard the electric current that courses through my circuit veins shall be my demise.

Oh, is that foil I see on the plate before me?!

NOT AGAIN, NOT THE FOIL! NOT THE FOIL! The fair Lean Cuisine! – Sizzling, in my cavity Be all my snacks remembered.

“I’m just a bill, and I’m sitting here on capital hill.”

<short circuits, dies> —A. Zbornak

—N. Abuzalaf

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WALMART PRODUCT TESTING TACTICS DRAW SUSPICION FOLLOWING FIVE-YEAR-OLD’S ABDUCTION

NEW HAVEN, CT—Local boy Griffin Hayes has been returned to his family seven days after first being reported missing.

He was remarkably found in the Walmart toy section, just a few aisles away from Kitchenwares, where he was last seen a week ago.

In his deposition to the police, the five-year-old described his abductor as wearing a blue shirt with a yellow emblem in the corner and having “a minimum-wage salary.” As police investigation continues, suspicions have arisen as to whether Hayes was removed from the store at all. The boy noted that during his period of captivity, he was forced to ride tricycles and wield plastic lightsabers.

One member of the police force spoke anonymously about the ongoing investigation. “Just a few weeks ago, we had a similar situation with a young girl from the area. After five days, she was found dressed up in a Swan Princess costume and playing mini basketball in the sporting goods section in front of a panel of Walmart executives. We’re concerned that our abductor may be a serial product tester.”

Community members close to the Hayes family have expressed their relief at his return. However, the boy has begun showing strong signs of Stockholm syndrome. According to his mother, “He begs to go back to Walmart and keeps shouting ‘Minimum wage is not living wage!’ in his sleep.”

—L. Kingsley

THINGS I WISH I WAS RICH ENOUGH TO FIND RELATABLE The New York Times Real Estate section Wine lists that categorize anything under $30 a bottle as “affordable” Worrying about the ethical implications of hiring a nanny The shame of wearing Canada Goose Worrying about the ethical implications of taking an internship at my family’s company Pronouncing the word chateaubriand correctly Living in Brooklyn, and worrying about the ethical implications of it Capital Gains —M. Kreutter

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STUDENT OUTSOURCES HOMEWORK TO THIRD-WORLD CHILD

ROCHESTER, NY—In a press conference that sent shockwaves through his third-grade classroom, Billy Robertson, 9, announced today that he would be indefinitely outsourcing his math homework to a child in India.

“At this juncture, offshoring is necessary to guarantee my vitality for the continued future,” Billy reported to a tense crowd in the reading corner. “Outsourcing this position will allow me to better meet deadlines and improve my product. In short, the current situation has become untenable, and I have decided to focus my efforts elsewhere.”

Reactions to the move were mixed. While some students praised the strategy’s expediency, others promptly fell asleep.

Billy’s teacher, Mrs. Wilkerson, condemned the decision and threatened to call his parents. According to Billy, however, his Board of Directors is fully in support of outsourcing, hoping it will improve the performance of their investment.

Offshoring comes at the cost of a domestic workforce already battered by economic downturn. Suzy Jennings, a longtime local provider of Billy’s assignments, lamented the move overseas. “Billy came up to me while I was working on his graphing homework one day and said he needed to start focusing on the bottom line. I reminded him that it was called the x-axis and not ‘the bottom line.’ That’s when he terminated my contract.”

When asked what might have prompted Billy’s decision, she explained how she had recently increased her rate to account for inflation. “Sure, I might have been greedy asking for four silly bands per assignment. But at the end of the day, no matter what I charged, I couldn’t compete with these kids overseas who are just looking for enough bands to get by.”

Billy was unavailable for comment at press time, as he was tied up in an important strategy meeting playing Call of Duty.

—M. Blaney

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Five Cubicle Décor Ideas, Sponsored by Your Employer, Yankee Candle™ 1) A Scented Candle: What better way to “spice” up your monotonous cubicle décor

than with an Autumn Spice™ candle, by Yankee Candle™? We know some offices won’t allow workers to light candles because they’re a “fire hazard,” but here at Yankee Candle™, we say “fire away!” As founder Michael Kittridge once famously put it, “We’re only one accident away from a massive insurance payout!”

2) Family Photos: We get that you might be missing home during these 80-hour work weeks, so why not take more time for your family with some Photo Candles™ featuring pictures of your loved ones? Just because your kids are slowly forgetting what your face looks like doesn’t mean you have to forget theirs!

3) A Plant: In today’s fast-paced, impersonal corporate world, it’s nice to feel like there’s something that depends on you. Obviously, you aren’t equipped to care for living things – just look at your weird nine-year-old son William, who was selfishly denied the benefits of a guiding fatherly presence in his formative years.

Thankfully, there are evergreen-scented Nordic Pine™ candles just for you, a lower-effort alternative to watering a real plant or getting “Booger-Eating Billy” the therapy he so desperately needs.

4) Another Yankee Candle™: If one Yankee Candle™ can

temporarily delay your spiral into a deep and inescapable depression, just think what two or even seventeen will do! We encourage you to try our limited edition All is Bright™ candle.

You may be thinking: “Wait. “All is Bright”? Won’t that just smell like any other candle?” You’re damn right, it will! Here at Yankee Candle™, we know nothing brings our employees more happiness than the sweet, sweet, smell of candle. Nothing.

5) More Yankee Candles™: Buy more Yankee Candles. Inhale their sweet aromas. Bask in their glow. Live them, love them. Let the burning fragrance suffocate you. Blueberry Scone™, Early Sunshine™, Sugar Blossom™. We have trademarked your heart, and your mind is ours.

Buy, buy, buy yourself into a scented paradise. Candles are your wife now. Candles are your god now. Now you can never again threaten office morale with your obsessive compulsion to be an individual.

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“Scent” with love from your employer, Yankee Candle™: America’s best-loved candle!

—J. Wexler

T he C orporate A merica I ssue

WALL STREET TRADER BLINDED AS EYES TURN INTO DOLLAR SIGNS NEW YORK, NY—Last Wednesday, DuPont floor trader Brian Davidson was coming off of a string of successful trades when his eyes suddenly transformed into two large dollar signs, leaving both his eyesight and his profit margins in peril.

Witnesses reported a chaotic scene as Davidson began stumbling into monitors due to his sudden inability to perceive light in the visual spectrum. “He kept screaming that his eyes were missing and that everything was dark,” one floor trader reported. “It really distracted the rest of us from the important work we were trying to do.”

“It was pretty selfish – he really wasn’t looking at the bigger picture,” another trader agreed. “That being money, of course,” he added.

Dr. Yule Seyital, an ophthalmologist specializing in abstract substitutive disorders, believes that the event will leave Davidson with a permanent inability to see. “In my experience with Dollar Sign Eyes, patients rarely make a full recovery,” he said. “Even with aggressive deflation, this is a pretty traumatic thing for the body to deal with.”

Beth Chiang, Davidson’s financial advisor, is more optimistic, telling reporters that she is advising a laissezfaire treatment protocol. “In the industry, we see these sorts of unexpected transformations all the time. Remember ’08? Sometimes it’s best to just let these things grow back on their own.”

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ALL OUR FAVORITE STOCK SYMBOLS ← ¤ ¥ § © ® « ± ½ ¿ ¾ π .

8 6 P M L R S ë î ï

ÿ —Staff

—N. Ewing Crystal

—M. Blaney

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LAUNCH OF NEW CHALLENGERINSPIRED CLOTHING LINE EVEN MORE EXPLOSIVE THAN EXPECTED

YALE COMPUTER SCIENCE DEPARTMENT RELEASES NEW T-SHIRT DESIGNS: “I DROPPED CS 50,” “I’VE HEARD OF CS 50,” AND “SOMEONE IN CS 50 LOVES ME”

IS THIS NEW CANCER DRUG A GAME CHANGER? NOT IF THE GAME IS SOCCER

Dear Lover, I think this is indicative of our generation’s desire to avoid rejection and confrontation, and to remain as comfortable as possible without challenging ourselves. Perhaps we can discuss over dinner?

Looking forward to it, Steve

Dear Steve, Please stop trying to make our dinner conversations philosophical.

Sometimes, I just want to eat my undercooked broccoli and talk about my day.

Thanks, Your anonymous friend.

H u nge r Dismised!

Stop in and take a study break

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THE YALE RECORD is pleased to announce its 2018-2019 Editorial Board Chair: Ellen Yang Editor in Chief: Elliot Connors Online Editor in Chief: Jake Houston Publisher: Chloe Prendergast Director of Online Content: Dylan Schifrin Webmaster: Noah Amsel Online Managing Editor: Walker Caplan Managing Editor: Mariah Kreutter Managing Editor: Caleb Cohen Managing Editor: Harry Rubin Director of Campus Projects: Adam Chase Design Editor: Maya Vasquez Design Editor: Marcy Sanchez Art Director: Anastasia Dalianis Staff Director: Maddy Blaney Business Manager: Simon Custer Old Owls: Liz Kingsley Lane Unsworth Nathan Ewing-Crystal Vicky Liu Adam Lessing Rishi Mirchandani

“It’s never too young to start.”

—C. Prendergast

Dear Customers, We’ve recently received important feedback about the way we handle the battery life of older generations of iPhones. The truth is, we have been slowing down iPhones with older batteries to prevent unexpected shutdowns. We apologize. However, there is no truth to claims that we slowed down older iPhones to push users to purchase newer models. On the other hand, we are slowing down thiiiiiissss apooooloooogyyy messaaaaageeeeee and maaaking you upgrade to a neeeeewer, more operationaaaaal apoooooolooogy messaaaaaaage for ooonlyyyyy $999.99.

On this matter, we want to be absolutely clear. Our goal at Apple is and always will be to build effective products that our customers love. We want to keep Apple phones and computers as accessible as possible. The same does not apply for whaaaaat yoouuuu’re reeaaaading riiiiight nooow. We will really do whaaaattevvveerrrr iiiitt taaaakkkesss to leverage some caaaash out of thiiiiiiis. So uppppgraaaaaddeeee tooodaaaaaaaayyy or sufffffffeerrrrrrrr throooouuugh thiiiiiissssss reaaaaaadinggggggg experieennnnnce.

We here at Apple believe that the customer is always right. Thankfully, our customers are idiots, not customers. Still, many idiots have been asking what we will do to remedy our mistakes. Thus, we’ve decided to take the following steps: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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Reduce the price of iPhone battery replacements to $29 Release an iOS software update to give users insights into the health of their battery And Oh You Thought This was Speeding up?

Haaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaa Upgrade for $999.99 And We’ll even Throw in Face recognition

Here at Apple, we treat our customers like family. Thankfully, our families are also customers, and our customers are idiots, so to summarize, we treat our customers like idiots. Now, we know what you're thinking: “Do these folks at Apple ever stop for a moment to consider their unchecked power over well-meaning consumers with fewer and fewer alternatives in the tech space?” Well, upgraaaaaaaadeee to iApologyLetter 8.2.1 to fiiiiiinnd ouuuuuuut, idioooootttt.

Newer versions of this apology message come in Jet Black and Rose Gold.

Insincerely,

Tim Cook Chief Executive Officer Apple Inc.

—B. Kronengold & R. Shaw

“Premium has allowed me to better connect with my target clientele. I can stay up to date on what gets my customers hooked and what my rivals are charging, all while using a beautifully-designed, easy to navigate website!”

JohnnyCa$hh T. Drug Dealer

“Wait… there's a free version of this?”

Sarah J. Systems Analyst

“Well, I wasn’t having any luck on Tinder, so this was kind of a last resort for me. How's it going so far? Let’s just say that a ‘hiring manager’ invited me to his ‘office’ for an ‘interview’ next Wednesday.”

Roberta A. “Vegan”

“When I whack it, I prefer to do it without distraction. The premium account lets me do just that, providing hours of crystal-clear, highdefinition pornography, all without those annoying ads!”

Jeffrey P. Stay-at-Home Son “Premium has really given me all the tools to get ahead in my fantasy corporation league. With LinkedIn’s premium scouting reports, I was able to snag a clutch CFO in the third round, and one of my sleepers just got promoted to VP of Strategic Analysis, so it looks like we’re playoff-bound, baby!”

Gage D. Unemployed “Yeah, I know. I was talking about LinkedIn. You got a problem with that?”

Jeffrey P. Stay-at-Home Son