The Summer in Nantucket Issue

Vol. 146, No. 2

THE YALE

Sep. 21, 2017

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

join@yalerecord.com

REPORT: EVEN DAD SCREWS UP SOMETIMES, BUD

PATAGONIA TO BE REPLACED WITH PATAGONIA2

Dear Media, Stop making such a big deal out of me. I’m just like everybody else, and I deserve to exist without all this controversy. My parents just happen to be smell-proof and made of plastic.

—A Test Tube Baby

Dear Ugly Duckling, You’ll always be the Great Personality Duckling to me.

—The Ugly Duckling’s Mom

INSPIRING: INSTEAD OF SENDING IN AN APPLICATION, THIS HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR SENT HARVARD A BAG OF BEETS Hey everyone, Did you know that vending machines kill more people each year than sharks?

—A sneaky shark, pretending to be a scientist

UPCOMING DINING HALL RENOVATIONS TO INCLUDE EASY BAKE OVEN Dear “May I”, Can I tell you that I hate you?

—A fifth grade student repeatedly denied his many requests to go to the bathroom.

LOCAL YARD SALE COMES TO ITS SENSES, BECOMES METER SALE

FOR SALE: Vowels! A, E, I, O, U, and Y (seasonally)!

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RIDICULOUS: IF JUDGED BY TODAY’S STANDARDS, MARYLIN MONROE WOULD BE CONSIDERED 91 YEARS OLD Dearest Kevin, Please try to grow a beard.

Love, Wanda Durant Hi Mom, Ugh, why? You know it doesn’t grow well.

—Kevin Durant Dearest Kevin, Well, I need you to so I can pull your head down to talk to you instead of writing you these letters.

Love, Wanda Durant

NEW “BACHELOR” NOT WHAT FANS EXPECTED, BUT AT LEAST HE DOESN’T WORK IN NON-PROFIT

FIRST-YEARS LIVING IN SUITES LEARN TO SHARE FOR THE FIRST TIMES IN THEIR LIVES FOR SALE: Anacondas. Since you might be swallowed whole eventually, why not make it now?

“ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO DUST,” MUMBLES JANITOR OF LOCAL CREMATORIUM Dear Disney, Ask me to make Avengers 3 again. I dare you.

—Joss Whedon, brandishing two novelty Hulk fists

WOMAN STILL HASN’T LOST ANY WEIGHT SINCE RENAMING HERSELF JENNY CRAIG

—N. Serrambana

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BERNIE SANDERS TO BE FEATURED IN NEW DANCE DANCE (POLITICAL) REVOLUTION GAME.

Dear Yale Dining, I was disappointed to find that your so-called “Hand-Shaped Burgers” were not actually shaped like hands. I really expect more from such a world-class institution.

—Matilda

Hello, Your days are numbered.

Dear Matilda, You think YOU have it rough.

—A man with burger-shaped hands, who just wishes he knew what it felt like to hold his newborn son

—An observant man while looking at a calendar

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WILL FIX MANMADE DISASTERS

LOCAL SOPHOMORE DEVASTATED WHEN HIS OLD FROCO REFUSES TO SING HIM A LULLABY TO HELP LULL HIM TO SLEEP

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FOR SALE:

Feet. Because sometimes you deserve other people’s feet more than they do.

—The Yale Record, 1908

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Dear Judas, If I could do it all over again, I would’ve invited you to my Bar Mitzvah.

Best, Jesus

CONSIDERING THE POSSIBILITY OF INTERACTING WITH A THIRD VARIABLE, INDEPENDENT AND DEPENDENT VARIABLES DECIDE TO KEEP RELATIONSHIP CAUSAL

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AREA COP KEEPS FORGETTING WHETHER HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE SYSTEMICALLY RACIST OR SYSTEMATICALLY RACIST Dear United States Department of Energy, Renewable power sources are the future of our economy. Personally, I’m a big fan.

—A Windmill who’s a big fan of renewable energy

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SALMON WEARS FUCKBOY SHORTS Dear Frosty the Snowman, Are you a metaphor for the ephemerality of youth? Is there a Frosty the Snowman in all of us, who, once melted away, will not come back again someday but instead be forever lost to the unforgiving entropic tide of our universe?

—Billy, who is starting to regret sniffing the “magic” in Frosty’s hat

Emmy Waldman ‘11

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t all began, as things do, in Yale’s subterranean steam tunnels. Our Editorial Board had just finished deciding our issue titles for the upcoming year, with my suggestion for the “Epic Fantasy Issue” just barely being edged out by something about summer. Or was it about Nantucket, the island off the coast of Massachusetts where many of America’s wealthiest and most famous individuals, including Bill Gates, Katie Couric, and even Mister Rogers from PBS, go in order to enjoy high-society living? I couldn’t recall.

Either way, we were off to celebrate the end of another year with an expensive lunch at Union League Cafe, as 150-year-old publications do, when Noah’s insistence that he knew a shortcut caused us to become lost in the labyrinthine underground system.

After five hours of wandering, our hope for escape was as slim as our hope of eating some delicious Filet de Boeuf Grillé Béarnaise, but just as Lane was beginning to mutter about some solution that sounded dangerously close to cannibalism, our eyes caught a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel – in both the literal and metaphorical senses.

Instead of an exit, however, we stumbled upon a large chamber filled to the top with gold coins: 25.41 billion dollars’ worth of them. And there was something else: a hunched-over shadow of a man dressed only in a loincloth. Moving on all fours and with just a few straggly hairs on his head, he was barely recognizable as he lurched out of the darkness.

“They wants to take our precious,” Peter Salovey muttered to himself in a high, shrill voice. “Wicked nasty studentses wants to take the Yale Endowment away.” I had heard that the Endowment could corrupt even the noblest of hearts, but even I could have never expected its effect to be this severe. I turned to warn the rest of my group, but they had already shooed Salovey away and tasked Archie, the most athletic among us, with carrying our golden bounty to Wells Fargo and exchanging it for a cashier’s check.

As Editor In Chief, I felt I should prevent the corruption of our Board’s noble hearts, so after we – conveniently – discovered an exit, I summoned our fellowship to the office so we could discuss how to destroy the Endowment before its dark power consumed us all.

“Matt, we already vetoed the ‘Epic Fantasy Issue,’” Chloe said. “The Editorial hijinks should be ontopic, so let’s use the money for something summer-related.”

“Wait!” Rishi protested, “I thought the issue theme was about Nantucket, the island off the coast of...” and he continued for some time.

The room was fraught with tension as people began to contest what exactly the theme of the issue was.

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Then Vicky, our Publisher, broke the silence: “Maybe we should reinvest the money into our magazine since print media is dying.” We all laughed. Vicky is hilarious.

So we compromised and bought ourselves a really big yacht, agreeing that until we could agree on the issue theme, we’d just sail the open waves and be dicks about the whole yacht thing. As our Board piled on, Adam playing shuffleboard, Nathan being immature about the phrase “poop deck,” and our seniors, who were tired of being punchlines after three years of Editorials, immediately getting in the hot tub and mixing some margaritas, Liz pulled me aside and said, “We’re finally back on topic. For the love of God, please don’t start back up with the fantasy stuff.” I nodded in agreement.

Yet that night, I saw a dark vision in the embers of the yacht’s flame pit. I saw that atop the Tower of Blackstone, the fiery all-seeing Eye of Schwaurzmon had learned of the Endowment’s location and was sending his dark army of Yale Corporation Trustees to bring back the check that was rightfully his.

But by then I was too late. Yells had broken out on the lower deck as we approached land, and from the smell of a wharf that only sells caviar, I quickly ascertained that someone had bribed the captain to sail us to Nantucket. The Endowment had finally corrupted us.

Once ashore, however, we saw that the island’s residents had too fallen sway to the power of money. Everywhere, America’s wealthiest and most famous individuals clashed in battle with opposing cries of “For Summer!” and “For Nantucket!” as they whipped their friends with coattails and jabbed at their neighbors with broken champagne bottles. Jake dodged a cavalry of polo players to meet Former President Bill Clinton as he dueled Current Not-Former President John Kerry.

Our Managing Editors stood in a standoff, Elliot and Ellen wielding thematically-appropriate water guns and Dylan unsheathing a twoLiz Kingsley ’19 Chairman

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handed longsword whose cost his a cappella group had underwritten.

Our seniors poured their fourth round of margaritas, still in the hot tub.

But just as Schwaurzmon’s demonic forces poured over the hilltop and all seemed lost, there was an incredible flash of light in the sky. The fighting ceased, and there, floating before us, was a figure glistening in a heavenly white.

“Jesus?” I asked, wondering if the literal Son of God had actually appeared in my Editorial. “Gandalf?” I continued, wondering if it was acceptable to cross the line into explicit reference.

“Only in the metaphorical sense, neighbor,” replied Mister Rogers from PBS, now returned to the living more powerful than ever before. “You have all been driven apart by the thought of ‘Summer or Nantucket,’ when you should have instead been brought together by the thought of ‘Summer and Nantucket.’”

“What about ‘Summer in Nantucket?’” I asked.

“Yeah, that works too. Now go, neighbor, and fulfill your destiny.”

Knowing what to do, I ran to the shore and, for you Harry Potter fans out there, reached into my pocket, removing the 25.41 billion dollar check that had appeared there because I had no intention of using it. I ripped it in half and threw it into the water, back to the offshore bank accounts where it was formed.

In the end, after our Summer in Nantucket, we didn’t have the dream vacation we’d envisioned. We didn’t have any margaritas because the seniors had used all the tequila. We didn’t even have a solvent publication, thanks to the decline of print media. But in the end, through it all, there was one thing holding us all together.

It was our really big yacht, and it was incredible.

—M. Abuzalaf

Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Editor in Chief

Editor in Chief

Archie Kinnane ’18 Online Editor in Chief

Vicky Liu ’19 Publisher

Noah Amsel ’20 Webmaster

Dylan Schifrin ’20 Managing Editor

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Director of Online Content

Chloe Prendergast ’20 Art Director

Rishi Mirchandani ’19 Business Manager

Elliot Connors ’20 Online Managing Editor

Ellen Yang ’20 Managing Editor

Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor

Lane Unsworth ’19 Staff Director

Jake Houston ’19 Publicity Manager

Graham Ambrose ’18 Old Owl

Brian Beitler ’18 Old Owl

Alex Ringlein ’18 Old Owl

Chasan Hall ’18 Old Owl

Louisa Cone ’18 Old Owl

Staff: Spencer Birney ’18 Emma Chanen ’19 Amanda Corcoran ’18 Sonia Gadre ’20 Andrew Gamzon ’20 Timur Guler ’18 Carina Hahn ’20 Sami Hakani ’18 Carter Helschien ’18

Contributors: Alex Hoganson ’20 Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19 Katie Kidney ’19 Mariah Kreutter ’20 Roger Lopez ’18 Andrew Megerian ’18 Veena Muraleetharan ’20 Leila Murphy ’19

Micah Osler ’18 Noah Rae-Grant ‘18 Henry Robinson ’19 Jonathan Rutter ’18 Natalya Sanghvi ’18 Sahaj Sankaran ’20 Justin Shi ’18 Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19

Sarah Sukin ’18 Teddy Thum ’18 Rachel Treisman ’19 Alissa Wang ’19 Grace Wynter ’20 Ashton Winters ’20 Alex Zhang ’18

Lina Kapp ‘20 Caleb Cohen ‘21 Alec Zbornak ‘21 Gwen Wheeler ‘20 Nicholas Serrambana ’20

Special thanks to: Matt’s (Seemingly) Endless Summer (in Nantucket Editorial) Front and Back Cover by: Chloe Prendergast ‘20 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLVI, No. 2, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2017 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

WAYS YOU COULD’VE LIVED YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST OVER THE SUMMER BUT CAN’T NOW THAT YOU’RE READING THIS IN THE FALL Learned to play the ukulele to prove to everyone in your entryway that you’re quirky Cryogenically frozen yourself until such a time that life can be lived to an even fuller fullest Spent even more time in New Haven Conducted an extensive biological survey of the migratory patterns of Holarctic wildfowl which, sucks for you, have already reached their summer breeding grounds Built a time machine, traveled to the future, and read this list Enjoyed the warmth of the sun on your skin!

Nothing, as our lives unfold according to a predetermined course of events, and any attempt to intercede in one’s future only perpetuates the illusion that such a thing as free will exists Bowling —Staff OTHER THINGS WASP COULD STAND FOR What Are Sharpened Pencils?

Will Ate Sixteen Pretzels!

When Are Soccer Playoffs?

Wow, Alf Sounds Pathetic.

Will’s Aorta Stopped Pumping!

Words Are Super Powerful.

Will Abused Some Paramedics!

Whose Acne Secreted Pus? Will’s Attorney Should Perish!

We All Speak Portuguese.

Where’s Aunt Sylvia Plath?

—J. Houston

POINT: YOU SHOULD PRONOUNCE RALPH LAUREN AS “RALPH LAUREN” This is in iambic meter, and Shakespeare used a lot of iambic meter, so this must be correct.

COUNTER-POINT: YOU SHOULD PRONOUNCE RALPH LAUREN AS “RALPH LAUREN” This is in trochaic meter. No one’s ever heard of that, but it sounds pretentious this way, and we like pretension.

—L. Kingsley

MY STORY: WHY I DECIDED TO PURSUE A CAREER IN FINANCE DESPITE EVERY MORAL IMPULSE IN MY BODY URGING ME TO DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE Money.

—M. Abuzalaf

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POPULAR FLAVORS OF TEA AS PEOPLE YOU KNOW BECAUSE HEY, WHY NOT

THE CLASSIEST WAYS TO DISGUISE THE FACT THAT YOUR CHILD IS A FAILURE

Awake English Breakfast - The Attractive Friend You want to hate him because he’s so beautiful, but you can’t because he’s just so damn nice. He’s the type of guy who holds the door open for you when you’re ten feet away, then holds an unblinking smile at you while you awkwardly half-run to the doorway.

His perfectly white teeth have been known to cause fiery multi-car traffic collisions when he crosses the street. Classic AEB.

Only describe their failings in French Name them Charles Bribe the Oxford Dictionary to switch the definitions of “fourth grade dropout” and “Nobel Laureate” Make them take an interest in boating Dress them in a Bill Gates costume every day Buy a new genetically-engineered child to replace the one you’ve permanently locked in the billiards room on the fourth floor Coat them in caviar Marry them off to an impoverished British aristocrat Send them to Cornell

Earl Grey - The Good Guy You can always count on Early-Boy to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down. He’ll stay up with you late at night to help you finish that pset and even wake up early to read over your English term paper!

Plus, he’s always going to late night pottery classes wearing a ski mask and carrying a burlap sac. Good ol’ Earl!

Chai - The Basic Bitch It’s right there in the name: you can’t spell “Basic Bitch” without “Chai.” Think “Tumblr posts about Adidas Superstars.” Think “giant salads at Cheesecake Factory instead of a fucking cheesecake.”

Think “flannel outside the context of lumber.” Think Chai.

China Green Tips - The Badass Whether it be with her hair, her sexuality, or her troubling affinity for endangered animal meats, this girl is always up for a new adventure. Don’t get on her bad side, though. She can go certifiably nuts.

Once I made fun of that time she dyed the tips of her hair green, and out of nowhere she kindly asked that I stop! What a whackjob!

Tazo Wild Sweet Orange This is not tea. This is warm Gatorade.

—G. Wheeler

—Staff

MUSK CONFESSES: “I JUST WANT A SUMMER HOME ON MARS”

BEL AIR, CA—Elon Musk, visionary entrepreneur and polymath, revealed yesterday that his sole underlying motivation for achieving inter-planetary space travel is his desire to own an isolated summer home on Mars.

“I don’t much like doing things or interacting with people,” Musk told reporters over the phone. “I thought to myself, ‘where can I do the least things and see the fewest people?’ and I realized the answer is at a summer home on Mars.”

“And I’m willing to crash as many investor-funded rockets as it takes to get there,” he added.

SpaceX, Musk’s aerospace transport services company, recently completed the first successful launch of a previously used commercial spacecraft, prompting speculation that a journey to Mars and back is now feasible.

The real progress, however, is taking place behind the scenes. “We just decided on the color scheme for his porch, and we’ve narrowed down the style to either Mid-Century Modern or Contemporary,” said Murphy Adams, Musk’s personal architect.

In classic fashion, Musk is involving himself in all the technical details of his meticulously planned vacation home, taking time off from his Hyperloop transportation project to pick up crocheting and pot-holder weaving.

“When looked at from a perspective of technically perfect laziness, his life’s work all makes sense,” said Dr. Barbara Daniels, a behavioral efficiency professor at CalTech. “He started an electric car company and a solar panel company so that he doesn’t have to worry about finding energy on Mars. All he’s missing is some sort of mind-reading computer to do all this for him.”

Musk was unable to appear on air, as he was at a board meeting for NeuraLink, his brain-machine interface startup.

—N. Ewing-Crystal

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NANTUCKET PACKING LIST For all of you Nantucket first-timers out there, please enjoy my hand-crafted list of island musts so you can make the absolute best out of your stay.

Sunglasses: Not only will they shield you from those harmful UV rays, but they’ll also protect you from making uncomfortable eye contact with unsavories at the harbor. Can you imagine if one of them stumbled towards you and asked for spare change or something? That would be, like, so scary.

Your Family Butler, Reginald, Whom Daddy Always Takes on Weekend Antiquing Trips: Manual labor is gross. God forbid you throw your back out carrying your shopping bags and prevent yourself from competing in the Annual Family Sailing Competition! Reginald would have to fill in for you like last time, causing Daddy to mutter something about how your muscular young butler is more than capable of filling things in.

Sunscreen: Don’t be fooled into thinking that a sunburn is your Red Badge of Courage this summer.

So embrace your radiant, non-disgustingly-flakyand-peeling skin, and protect the pale. (This is why Daddy has Reginald lather lotion all over him before our beach outings.)

An Array of Pastel, Shoulder-Tied Sweaters: Daddy never leaves the Cape without one. It’s weird, though, that he can never get the knot right the first time, so he and Reginald typically slip into the other room for a couple of minutes to fix it.

A Smile: After all, a vacation should be fun, and while it can be hard sometimes, you just need to keep smiling, even though deep down you are miserable and spend your nights sobbing and alone with your thoughts: “JUST ONCE, DADDY, CAN YOU SHOW ME SOME DAMN AFFECTION INSTEAD OF JUST THROWING MONEY AT ME? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU LOVE REGINALD? CAN’T YOU TELL YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART?!”

But seriously, enjoy the beaches. They are lovely this time of year.

—A. Zbornak

DISHES TO BRING TO YOUR NEXT LAWN PARTY TO SHOW UP THAT BITCH SUSAN’S CHICKEN SALAD

So, Susan thinks she can upstage your next lawn party with her chicken salad again, does she? Just so she can say it’s her family’s secret recipe and that it took her three days to make? Think again, bitch! With the help of these dishes, her walnut-and-cranberry bullshit doesn’t stand a fucking chance.

Crab Salad: Crustaceans beat poultry any day of the goddamn week. Let me prove it: can a chicken survive at both land and sea? Didn’t fucking think so.

Cranberry Pie: According to Pinterest, this is a high society classic. What is this, Susan, some kind of second-rate Iowan block party? Get your generic crap out of here.

Deviled Eggs: Fucking hell to the fucking yes! Sprinkle some paprika on that shit and send “Losin’ Susan” straight back to Bitch City. This flavor profile is fucking sophisticated.

Seared Scallops: With just a little bit of fire, this daring dish will blow Susan’s pathetic beige slop out of the fucking water, an environment where, again, I emphasize that a chicken is unable to survive.

Oyster Puffs: The bivalve extravaganza continues, bitches. Susan - and her stupid twin eight-year-old sons who always wear the same colored polo shirts can suck it!

Chipped Beef: What the hell is chipped beef? I have no fucking idea, but it sounds fancy. And if appearances aren’t the most important thing in life, then what is?

A Blue Lobster: At a one-in-two million occurrence in the wild and a market price of $600, if money won us the Cold War, then it’ll obliterate Susan like it did Communism before her.

—L. Kapp

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“Harvested from 100% locally-sourced leather boots that we couldn’t sell and then ground up!”

—C. Prendergast

living in the lap of luxury: {Elliot Connors exclusively interviews the man paid to sit on Nantucket beachgoers.}

The Record: Jeffrey, thank you so much for sitting down with us today.

it feels to be the hottest thing in Nantucket this summer.

J: The opposite, actually. They’re both accountants.

Jeffrey: Please. It’s what I do.

J: You mean besides the weather?

TR: Excuse me?

TR: Oh Jeffrey, you’re too much.

TR: Fascinating. Let’s talk a little about your creative process. How do you prepare, both emotionally and physically, for a sit? To what extent is your work improvised?

J: I get paid to sit down with people.

J: No, but in all seriousness, it’s an exciting time in my career, and I couldn’t have gotten here without the help of so many people, particularly my parents, Tom and Cathy.

J: Elliot, if I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were trying to steal my secrets to sitting.

TR: Did your parents sit professionally?

TR: I would never do that to you. I respect you too much as an artist.

TR: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

J: Well you thanked me for sitting— TR: Let’s just move on. Tell us how

J: Like you would even stand a fucking chance.

TR: Sorry, what was that?

J: I said that sitting is really about crafting a dialogue with your partner.

People think it’s just plopping yourself down on someone, but it’s actually a dynamic art form in which bodies morph into one person and then split into two, one entity and then two and then one and then two and then back to one and then two, if you get the picture. When I first got into sitting, and I think this is a common misstep among amateurs, I thought it was a solo performance, when in reality it’s all about “Yes, and”-ing your partner.

TR: Do you practice the Albertan technique?

J: No. Absolutely not.

TR: You recently entered a sponsorship deal with Quicken Loans. Could you talk about what that’s been like, preserving your artistic integrity while integrating commercial endorsement?

J: Oh, it’s just been amazing. Quicken Loans could not have been more supportive throughout this entire process. As for compromising my

artistic integrity, even prior to the endorsement deal, Quicken Loans came up organically in most of my conversations with clients, so it’s been a breeze integrating their brand into my work. I’ll admit it’s not the most flashy sponsorship, but it pays the bills. And to my fans who are calling me a “sellout” on social media, I’d like to see you walk a mile in my fucking shoes, you secondrate hacks. I would also encourage them to explore Quicken Loans’ new Zing! Blog, where Quicken Loans professionals offer amazing insights on home, money, and life.

TR: (A pause) What’s next for Jeffrey?

J: Well, I’ll be doing sitting appointments in Nantucket through the end of August. Then in September, I’ll be premiering my new film Diminished Tones in New York and Los Angeles. It’s a documentary about how contemporary trends in jazz performance and education have divorced the genre from popular culture and mitigated its emotional resonance as an art form.

I play a hologram of Charlie Parker who is searching for love in all the wrong places, wingmanned by my bumbling yet lovable sidekick Benny Goodman (Jason Sudeikis). After that I’ll be taking a much-needed ten-year vacation.

TR: One final question: do you have any advice to aspiring sitters?

J: Stand up for yourself. (Laughs). No, but in all seriousness, invest in your education. Technique is everything, and it’s difficult to self-teach. Not to disparage Yale, but there’s really no formalized course of study on sitting, only student organizations. Go to a school where you can not only practice the methodology but also immerse yourself in the culture and rich history of this art form. If I could do it all over again, I would not have gone to med school.

TR: Jeffrey, it’s truly been a pleasure sitting down with you today.

J: Again, it’s what I do.

TR: Excuse me? ←

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DIARY OF A HOUSEWIFE WITH MULTIPLE PHDS

Monday, the Seventeenth of July, Two Thousand and Seventeen: Dearest Diary, The family docked in Nantucket earlier this morning.

Young Buckley dropped his Nintendo into the Sound as soon as we moored, so I did what any good mother would do and quickly repaired the motherboard with my Halberd Spudger before preparing a light amuse-bouche for the boys. The sacrifices we make for our children!

I only have a few moments to jot down these thoughts before our cohort heads to the garden for a mid-afternoon promenade. I, however, will unfortunately be forced to stay behind while the boys have fun, as I must make a quick jaunt up to MIT to teach an electrical engineering lecture.

It all goes to show that a woman’s work is never done.

Wednesday, the Second of August, Two Thousand and Seventeen: A few of Samson’s Dartmouth chums dropped by the house this afternoon. Though they are pleasant enough, one could be forgiven for finding their level of intelligence to be somewhat alienating. None of them are nearly as sharp as my old colleagues from Caltech.

So I politely excused myself to tend to my housekeeping work, descending to my engineering lab in the basement. If I work diligently tonight on the Chlorophyzer, by the morrow our lawn will be a mantis green shade that will surely put Marjorie from down the lane right out!

Saturday, the Twelfth of August, Two Thousand and Seventeen: Every young boy thinks his mother is a superhero, so I did not correct Frederick’s assumption of such when he stumbled upon me in my hazmat suit. In reality, I was only working to convert the estate’s electrical power to cold fu-

sion before the radiation had the Department of Energy (or worse, the Homeowners’ Association) rushing to our gates!

Time permitting, we may or may not soon depart on the SS Schrödinger. Afternoons spent yachting with Frederick, Buckley, and Samson remind me of what’s important in life: spending time with family, pushing the bounds of physical science as we know it while avoiding censure by the United States government, and of course, attaining wealth. Until next time!

—G. Wynter

LOCAL MAN CELEBRATES INCLUSIVITY, OWNS GENDERNONCONFORMING BOAT

NANTUCKET, MA—Following months of protests, the Nantucket Yacht Club has finally extended membership to Allen Edmunds and his cruiser, the Riley Jean, which is the Club’s first gender-nonconforming vessel. Edmunds, a Madaket resident and BJW (Boatial Justice Warrior), calls the move “a great victory for boat diversity.”

“You’re taught the conventions of boat pronouns the day you receive your first pair of Sperrys. A boat is a she,” said Edmunds. “Every man would say things like, “Look at the curves on her!’ or, ‘She’s high-maintenance, like my wife,’” he continued. “But Riley has always been different. Maybe it’s because, as a child, Riley never played much with the other girls in school. Or maybe it’s because Riley is a boat, which is an inanimate object without gender.”

When Edmunds’ initial application to the Club was rejected in April, he created the Nantucket Citizens’ Association for Vehicle Gender Equality (NCAVGE) and led weekly protests at the marina. Word of the organization eventually reached Chairman of the Nantucket Yacht Club, Jerry Turner.

“The Board recognized that it was time for the Club to modernize,” Turner stated. “By overturning the ancient bylaw requiring member boats to be female, Nantucket is now the second most inclusive yacht club on the Eastern seaboard, right behind that club that outlawed the disenfranchisement of tugboats. We wish Mr. Edmunds and Riley many happy journeys ahead.”

Representatives from NCAVGE state that they will be citing this as precedent in the fight to help a gendernonconforming motorcycle gain membership into the Hell’s Angels biker gang.

—E. Yang

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REPORT: YOU, THE READER OF THIS PIECE WHO HASN’T LOCKED DOWN A SUMMER INTERNSHIP, ARE LITERALLY WORTHLESS SHIT

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MAN DISCOVERS HAPINESS CAN BE BOUGHT

NEW HAVEN, CT—A new report released Thursday by the Yale Office of Career Strategy found that you, the only Yale undergraduate still without summer plans, are a worthless piece of shit. The report went on to congratulate the more than 5,000 students who, unlike you, have properly availed themselves of OCS’s abundant resources to secure a summer internship.

The OCS report included a supplement from Robert Daniels, a researcher in the Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology. According to Daniels, your particular uselessness is very rare, even for shit.

“There are many types of shit that really do a lot of good for the world,” said Daniels. “Horse shit makes great fertilizer. Pig shit provides food for creatures like dung beetles and butterflies.

You, however, belong to a special class of shit that is completely worthless, as plainly evidenced by your inability to secure a summer internship.”

Your suitemates were shocked by the report’s findings.

“As soon as the report came out, I realized what a vile and utterly useless person you are,” said your favorite suitemate. “No summer plans? Do you even care about your future?”

“At this time,” the suitemate whom you consider your best friend continued, “I regret that I am unable to offer you a spot in my suite next year.”

NEW YORK CITY, NY— Speaking at a press conference held in his penthouse apartment last night, local hedge fund manager Morton Geltman announced that after years of careful research, he has confirmed that money can indeed buy happiness.

Geltman was only a toddler when his father, an accountant and amateur Bhangra dancer, imparted some words of wisdom. “Mort,” he said, “all the money I made in the accounting business is worth nothing compared to the fulfillment I feel when I put on my kurta and begin the Tari Jhummer. It just goes to show that happiness is the one thing in the world that cannot be bought.”

Fifty years later, Geltman is finally celebrating the completion of the lifelong quest he embarked on when he was six — utterly debunking his father’s ludicrous advice.

“I stand before you as a living testament to the utilitarian joy of using money to purchase desirable goods and services. Being fabulously rich has made me very, very happy,” Geltman announced. He then offered to “give a million dollars to anyone who thinks otherwise,” noting, “That ought to shut them up.”

Geltman has been energetic in promoting his message, regularly speaking at schools, churches, and country clubs across the Hamptons. He even recently founded a charitable organization, PETA (People for Earning Tons of Assets), to inspire young people to take full advantage of the fruits of the global neo-liberal order. According to him, his favorite illustrative example for elementary school classrooms is his claim that 50 Cent’s memorable verse, “I’m stanky rich, I’mma die trying to spend this shit,” was, in fact, inspired by his life.

Meanwhile, other enlightened parties including The Dalai Lama, the Sisters of Saint Francis, and the Ralph Waldo Emerson Society have cautioned against accepting Geltman’s discovery so soon, noting that similar announcements made by Ebenezer Scrooge and King Midas turned out to be false alarms. “We’ll have to wait for peer review to confirm these findings,” the Dalai Lama concluded.

At press time, Geltman was seen selling his father’s antique kurtas to fund a purchase of triple-ply gold leaf toilet paper.

—L. Kingsley

—N. Amsel

—R. Mirchandani

Careers in Data & the New Digital Economy Join fellow students and alums on Friday evening, October 6 and Saturday afternoon, October 7. Learn -- from Yale alums -- how to start and survive in, and succeed at, data-intensive fields. Check out (see column on right) the firms they have worked for!

Friday Evening, 10/6 (5-8pm) - Informal get-acquainted session: pizza and salad - Three (concurrent and repeated) personal/professional skill-building sessions: time-management, using mentors, and Google’s culture - You can attend 2 out of 3 Saturday afternoon, 10/7 (12:45-5:30pm) - Keynote discussion - Concurrent/repeated entrepreneurial-career topics - You can attend 2 out of 4 - Networking reception Scan the QR code to Register for this event.

Space is limited.

A Careers, Life, and Yale (CLY) Event Hosted by the Association of Yale Alumni (AYA) Sponsored by STAY https://tinyurl.com/datacareersCLY

Amazon Disney DoubleClick Facebook Google IBM Intuit McKinsey Microsoft MongoDB AuraSense Bank of America Boehringer Ingleheim The Broad Institute

Business Insider Cisco Citibank Credit Suisse CVSHealth Deutsche Bank ExCure FivePrime Genentech Gilt Guggenheim Huron Jounce KPMG McGraw Hill Merck JP Morgan Morgan Stanley Nomad Panasonic Pfizer PriceWaterhouseCoopers

Regeneron S&P SafeRock Sapient Solucient Symphony Workframe and Zola.

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I DON’T GET WHY EVERYONE’S SO MAD ABOUT THE STUDENT INCOME CONTRIBUTION, SAYS STUDENT WHO USES “SUMMER” AS A VERB NEW HAVEN, CT — Tanner Adams ‘19, a Yale undergraduate student who has used the word “summer” as a verb on numerous occasions, recently offered a statement regarding the controversy around Yale’s student income contribution policy. “I don’t see why people expect handouts without putting any work in,” said the J.E. sophomore, who has also said the sentence, “My family summers at our villa in Nice.”

Yale’s policy of expecting a substantial income contribution from students with financial aid packages has come under fire in recent years. Students Unite Now, a student activist group committed to reducing or eliminating the contribution, has pointed out that the up-to-$2,600 yearly contribution requirement creates a “different Yale experience” for low-income students compared to their wealthier peers. “I have good friends who haven’t been able to commit to activities like the YDN because of their work schedule,” said SUN member Regina Chang ‘17.

In response, Adams, who has never held a paying job, dismissed such concerns as sheer laziness. “I’m able to balance being part of the Undergraduate Consulting Group, the Investment Management Club, and Deke. If you can’t handle having a job and doing extracurriculars, maybe you shouldn’t have come to Yale,” he said over ginand-tonics at Mory’s.

The son of a hedge fund manager and an art gallery owner, Adams has also been known to use “winter” as a verb (“We winter in the Swiss Alps, or sometimes Bora Bora”), but has yet to attempt the same construction with “spring” or “fall.”

—M. Kreutter

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SEVEN BEACHES YOU SHOULD BUY A HOUSE ON BEFORE CLIMATE CHANGE DESTROYS THEM

Sunshine Shores — Sunshine Shores is your typical beach getaway experience: beautiful blue water, fresh ocean breezes, ritualistic sacrifices to Chalchiuhtlicue, Aztec goddess of the seas, to defend against rapidly rising sea levels. Perfect for families.

Proposal Pier — Nothing like the sight of a 100-foot tall tsunami in the distance to help your soon-to-be fiancée decide a little quicker.

Baby Sea Turtle Bay — Watch the miracle of life unfold as hundreds of baby sea turtles frolic the day away, unaware that their natural predator, a fiftykilometer wide tropical storm caused by rising ocean temperatures, is on its way. Great curb appeal!

Overfisherman’s Wharf — Whether you’re in the mood for 68 tons of Blue Fin Tuna or just want to see local cops beating up EPA representatives, Overfisherman’s Wharf is the spot to relax before “Al Gore’s Revenge” obliterates it all in an act of primal vengeance. Has friendly locals.

Carbon Footprint Cove — The soothing crunch of shale beneath your feet, the comforting smell of jet skis powered by leaded gas, the whimsical sight of oil spilled back into the ocean to give it that magical rainbow glisten—such are the simple pleasures of Carbon Footprint Cove.

The One With All Those Annoying Skimboarders — A hidden gem with a buyer’s market, you can watch and chuckle sensibly as rising ocean levels wash them all away in one cleansing cascade.

Rising Ocean Acidity Ridge — “In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to build every house out of limestone,” says lead architect Frederick Caruso, noting that so much as a splash of corrosive seawater could easily eat through an entire wall. “I probably shouldn’t have worn these limestone pants either.”

—D. Schifrin

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SUMMER SPORTS FOR THE TOP 1% OF THE TOP 1% Business Cycling: Passively musing about the trust fund and emerging markets with Father on a leisurely bike ride around Lake Como.

Estateboarding: Skateboarding at the family’s summer estate, specifically the one in the Hamptons. Bonus points for kickflips over either Rolls Royce in the driveway.

Moneyball: Playing catch with a wad of hundreds. Not to be confused with Michael Lewis’ book about the Oakland A’s, which is far less aerodynamic.

Polo: A powerful metaphor for mankind’s dominion over all living creatures, demonstrated here as the rider bends a wild horse to his will, then forces it to run around while he hits balls with a stick.

Football: A dreadful and terribly brutish sport that is only to be viewed from the club box so as to prevent mixing with the rabble. Preferred team: The New York Private Jets.

Infinity Pool: An elite version of billiards, played on a table that is positioned to give the impression that it merges seamlessly into Father’s private lake.

French Basketball: Just like normal basketball, but inexplicably superior.

–C. Cohen

OUR FAVORITE LINES FROM GREASE’S “SUMMER NIGHTS” 10. “Shoobop bop” 9. “Shoobop bop” 8. “Shoobop bop” 7. “Shoobop bop” 6. “Shoobop bop” 5. “Shoobop bop” 4. “Shoobop bop” 3. “Shoobop bop” 2. “Shoobop bop” 1. “Shoobop bop yeah!”

–Staff

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VINEYARD VINES TO SELL ONLY NON-GMO CRANBERRY SHORTS MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—Vineyard Vines Co-Founder and Co-CEO Ian Murray publically announced Monday morning that, beginning in the 2018 fiscal year, his company will become the first major clothing retailer to sell exclusively non-GMO cranberry shorts. In his statement, Murray said, “We strive to provide only the best products for our customers. That means cranberry shorts the way Mother Nature intended them, not engineered in a lab.”

This change is part of a multi-year plan for Vineyard Vines to make the switch to environmentally responsible products. “We hope that by 2019 we will have fully eliminated our use of farm-raised salmon shorts in favor of those found in their natural habitats,” Murray explained. “Farming systems are not only bad for the salmon shorts but also for our customers.”

On the matter of the transition’s timeline, Murray clarified that the temporal delay in enacting these policies was merely due to unavoidable supply chain holdups. When asked about the subsequent potential for rising prices, however, Murray replied that he was “more than confident that our customer base will adjust.”

Murray could not say at this time whether freerange chicken shorts or grass-fed beef shorts would be included in the long-term plan.

–L. Kingsley

NANTUCKET MAN GETS TRAPPED IN CAR AT HOTEL WITHOUT DOORMAN NANTUCKET, MA — Nantucket resident Tanner Hall has filed a lawsuit against the Hilton Garden Inn in Manhattan after being trapped in the hotel’s porte-cochère for several hours Thursday afternoon, unable to exit his car without the assistance of a

doorman. While Hall was aware of the door handles on the interior of his Bentley Continental GT, he had always thought of them as “tasteful ornaments” rather than operable levers.

“What we have here is a textbook case of corporate negligence,” said Bradley Hayes, Hall’s attorney. “If this happened to a dog or some porko toddler, people would be up in arms.”

After approximately three hours inside the vehicle, Hall collapsed from heat exhaustion onto the car’s steering wheel. The sound of the horn drew front desk attendants outside, where they found Hall unconscious with two empty bottles of Perrier Sparkling Mineral Lime Water on his lap and an unopened bottle of Arrowhead in the cupholder.

“This lawsuit is not about the money for me,” said Hall to reporters. “It’s about making sure that no one else has to experience the acute physical and psychological trauma that I endured inside that Bentley Continental with semi-aniline hide that forms enhanced straight-flute seating for an even more luxurious travelling experience.”

Hilton has dismissed the suit as frivolous but agreed to install a doorman at their Manhattan location since they are “sick of this happening every fucking week.”

At press time, Hall was trapped on a lobby toilet, unable to clean himself without the aid of a bidet.

–R. Mirchandani

POOL BOYS UNIONIZE FOR OVERTIME PAY NANTUCKET, MA—The Pool Boys of Siasconset announced Tuesday that they have commenced efforts to unionize in order to utilize collective bargaining strategies towards higher overtime pay. Spokesboy Chad Downing, 19, said at a press conference, “While doing favors for our clients has always been an honorable part of our work, it has become so institutionalized that it’s essentially part of the job description now. It’s time to receive compensation for our time.”

“We need a standardized system,” he explained, cit-

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ing inconsistencies in the amount of overtime work expected from different clients. While Downing refused to elaborate to the press, a private investigation has verified this claim.

AMERICA’S FAVORITE COUNTRY SONGS, EDITED FOR THOSE WITH MORE REFINED SENSIBILITIES

One Boy looking to join the Union who asked to remain anonymous, 18, told the press that Mrs. Stacy Richards usually requires about 25 minutes of overtime from him, but that it can often take almost an extra hour to finish servicing Mrs. Lauren Parks.

“Ring of Fired Employees Who Asked Me For a Raise” -Jonathan Cash

Josh Hews, another prospective Union member, confirmed that, weekly, he may do up to eight hours of overtime. “It’s not that we don’t enjoy the work,” he explained, adding, “In fact, it feels really amazing. That said, I think the expectations are getting out of hand.”

“All My Exes Live On Large Ranch Estates In Texas” -Dr. George Straitley

While waiting for a response from the National Labor Relations Board, the Boys have been marching with supporters on Nantucket’s residential streets. Many hold signs with the catchy refrain, “NO MONEY, NO LUCK. PAY US IF YOU WANT TO have a very clean pool.”

“She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy, But I’ve Never Once Heard of a “Tractor” In My Life” -Ken Cheswick

It does not appear that there will be much pushback from the community, however. Mrs. Helen Green, local resident and Pool Boy employer, said that as long as the extra expenditure guaranteed continued quality, it would be “so worth it.”

–L. Kingsley HOW TO FLIRT WITH NON-YALIES WHEN YOU’RE AWAY FROM CAMPUS “Bulldog! Bulldog! Bow-(chicka)-wow-wow…”

“Hey, I go to Yale.”

Tell them you are teen CIA Agent Cody Banks and you need their help to stop Dr. Brinkman’s nanobots.

“Hi, I go to Yale.”

Draw memes from the Facebook group, and pretend you made them yourself.

Regift your ECON 115 textbook as a wooing mechanism.

“Nice to meet you. Have I mentioned that I go to Yale?”

Use your natural tendency to go hard on a Wednesday to show off your intensity.

“Hey, you have beautiful eyes. So, if you went to Yale University, do you think you would take Directed Studies?” eHarmony —Staff

“Sixteen Tons (Of Gold Bullion)” -Tennessee Ernest Fordham

“Beer Money”

-Kipland Moore

“Private Islands In The Stream”

-Kenneth Rogerston

“Oh God, Why Did I Spend Several Million Dollars On Beer? I Have Multiple Swimming Pools Filled With Sam Adams Boston Lager, And It’s Sticky and Not Actually That Fun to Swim In” -Kipland Moore “Several Fast Cars”

-Tracy Chapperman, Esq. —A. Hoganson

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COLD WAR VETERAN RECOUNTS GRUESOME TALES OF GEOPOLITICAL TENSION

“JUST TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT FOR A SECOND,” SAYS FRESHMAN SEMINAR STUDENT, ABOUT TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT FOR A SECOND

Dear Mother, College is going well. The roughest parts so far are the papers.

—A student whose bathroom only stocks 1-ply TP

Dear Yale Collge Students, When we built the two new colleges, I was promised that the center of campus would shift towards Science Hill. Living in the President’s House on Hillhouse Avenue, the prospect of this excited me.

I was therefore upset yesterday when, for the third straight year, no one showed up to the dance party in my living room.

You all embarrassed me in front of my cool wife, Marta, and I will never live this day down.

Not yours truly, Peter Salovey

Attention!

This shit is bananas, B-A-N-AN-A-S! — A man trying to sell feces at farmer’s market.

DOCTOR GETS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE AND LOVES THE GRAPE FLAVOR

H u nge r Dismised!

Stop in and take a study break

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HOUSTON, OHIO PLAGUED BY CONFUSED FIRST RESPONDERS Dear President Salovey, I don’t care about the memes. It’s me or the mustache.

—Mrs. Salovey

China Opportunities Fair

Thursday, Sept. 7 | 3:00-5:00PM

Yale-China

fellowship

CHEF BAKES LIVE MATHEMATICIAN INTO DESSERT; POLICE FIND THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING FOR SALE: Your favorite preposition, now two for a dollar!

Lunch Info Sessions* Thursday, Sept. 14 | 12:00-1:00PM Friday, Sept. 15 | 12:00-1:00PM

Live Stream Info Sessions* Tuesday, Sept. 19 | 8:00-9:00PM Wednesday, Sept. 27 | 8:00-9:00PM

Exchange App Deadline Friday, Sept. 29 | 5:00PM

Lunch Info Sessions* Thursday, Oct. 26 | 12:00-1:00PM Friday, Oct. 27 | 12:00-1:00PM

Fellowship Teahouse* Friday, Nov. 10 | 4:00-6:00PM

Fellowship Webinar Monday, Nov. 20 | 3:00-4:00PM

Fellowship App Deadline

Dear Kanye, Look what you made me do.

—Taylor Swift, trying to dance

WHO KNEW? THE GRANDPARENTS FROM “CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY” WERE CONNECTED!

Friday, Dec. 1 | midnight

Evening Info Sessions* Thursday, Jan. 18 | 8:00-9:00PM Wednesday, Jan. 31 | 8:00-9:00PM Register at education@yalechina.org Dates and times subject to change, please check website for any updates: yalechina.org/events/calendar yalechina.org/education *Denotes session with alumni

fellowships

| exchanges | internships

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