Journal Entry of Girl Running From / Looking for Home

December 2nd, 2022

I am tired of feeling like there is too much to write down, and I’ve already missed something. That I’m no longer a good writer, and that whenever I pick up a pen —like now—it must be to prove myself.

I am still thinking about that poem that slipped away from me while I was drugged up on prescribed codeine cough syrup, shadows shifting into spiraling tentacles in my dark room, looming from wall to wall. I tossed and turned, thinking, wow, I might be sweating to death and feeling like shit, but now I’ve finally done it. For the first time in forever: a raw, honest, and brilliant poem. Like my fever and plans to catch up over the past few weeks, it slipped away without fanfare as my drowsy thoughts spun away into more darkness.

Aside from sickness and an existential crisis, winter break is passing faster now—except for when I spend eight hours in a cubicle staring at a fabric wall divider with a pasted smile, working in an office to pass the time. It rained today, reminding me of home. A home, a place that isn’t here? This isn’t home anymore. I wanted to go for a walk and play in the slightly damp California we don’t see often, where almost everyone stays inside, with empty streets beckoning.

By Brooke Nind

It was so nice to be at school and forget about the loneliness I’d always experienced here. I come with new lonelinesses now, crashing into the old.

I cuss a bit too much now. I laugh loudly and often until my stomach hurts, a benevolent pain bleeding from the sides into the center. I tell people the truth about things that make me uncomfortable— my dad and I don’t speak much and yes, I sweat more than usual, especially when I’m anxious. I even eat foods I’m unsure of. I do things alone without even thinking about it, and it feels good—sometimes.

Here I am, back in a box, wondering if the last couple of months were just a fever dream, wondering if everything has to change again. I simply need to keep writing through it without worrying about being perfect.

I’m going to sleep now that the rain has stopped drumming on the roof.

Brooke Nind is a first-year student at Dartmouth College, originally from Southern California. Her work has been recognized by the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards and the UK Poetry Society’s Young Poets Network. When she isn’t reading or writing, you can find Brooke stressing over the news, trying new Mexican food places to find the best burrito, or listening to Taylor Swift on repeat.

Stella Liu is a student studying in Hong Kong who is passionate about street film photography and exploring the city where she lives in. When she is not kicking footballs on the pitch, she is avidly listening to rap and RnB or catching up on politics, or eating at the newest hip restaurant. Born in the US, she identifies with the multiculturalness of Hong Kong and has a background in Spanish from her parents who lived in South America.

By Subhashree Pattnaik