FA AL IN THIS ISSUE: LIBERAL REINDEER SUPER SENIOR-CIDE HAGW AN ENRICHING ACTIVITY LDYSCHRONOMETRIA AL AL AL AL AL AL AL AL AL
WUnderground DECEMBER 25TH, 2022
BURIED WUNDERGROUND College Republicans Christmas Party Full of White Elephants Page 3
Rob Wild Holiday Diversity Campaign Canceled after "Hit the Quan-zaa" Challenge
Page my lawyer
Hitzeman Mailroom Fires Santa Claus, Quote: "I'm Not Getting Your Damn Vaccine" Paige, my lawyer
Socke the Cat Changes Name to Stockinge
Page E
To Compensate for Oil Usage in Honor of the Miracle of Lights, BD to Serve Fries Raw Page 0
Easter Bunny Sees Shadow
VOL 19 HOLIDAY ISSUE
PRICE: IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
Chancellor Andrew Martin and Monica Lewinsky Celebrate Kwanzaa at WashU We outsourced this article to ChatGPT and asked it to write a funny story about the title subject. Remember, AI will steal your job, then your quirky side passions. Chancellor Andrew Martin and Monica Lewinsky were both in for a surprise when they arrived at Washington University in St. Louis to celebrate Kwanzaa. Chancellor Martin, known for his conservative views and love of tradition, was expecting a quiet evening of candle lighting and reflection on the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But when he arrived at the Kwanzaa celebration, he was greeted by a lively group of students dancing and singing to the beat of African drums. Monica Lewinsky, a visiting professor at WashU, was also caught off guard by the energetic atmosphere of the celebration. She had been invited by a group of students who admired her re-
silience and strength in the face of adversity. But as she watched the students dancing and chanting, she couldn't help but feel out of place. "I don't think I've ever been to a Kwanzaa celebration before," she said to Chancellor Martin, who was standing awkwardly to the side. "I didn't realize it was going to be so... lively." Chancellor Martin nodded in agreement, but before he could respond, a group of students pulled them both into the center of the room to join in the dancing. Monica and Chancellor
Ask WUnderground: Advice Column DEAR WUNDERGROUND: Any advice on finding a boyfriend for this Christmas season? —Sarah Hi, Sarah, We at WUnderground know how difficult it can be for holiday-loving lonely hearts. It seems like the only Christmas lovers are Tinder users Zach, 19, promising to “put the toe in mistletoe” and Mac, 23, saying “tits the season.” If it makes you feel better, Sarah, we know Mac, and he was definitely only talking about his own creatine knockers. He’s actually a really sweet guy. Maybe you should give him a chance. And we know you, Sarah, we know how much you deserve to be around other people who love Christmas. Like your roommate Will’s girlfriend, who, while you were listening to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” last night, started screaming “don’t come” from his room. She must
need more time to prepare for the first gentle fall of snow the holiday season! We all need shouldn’t have you thinking, more time to get ready, which is “I should call him.” why WUnderground is here to You need a man who enhelp you find a man who knows joys the flavors of the holiday the “fore” in “foreplay” isn’t the season, a guy for whom “hot number of minutes that it’s sup- coco” and “nut meg” aren’t posed to last. just the names he has his exes We know the struggle. It’s saved under. This year, the hard to find a guy who’s both only holiday treat you really naughty and nice, and not just need is a man who treats you knotty with lice. We’re talking right, and we can tell you how about his pubic hair, Sarah, and to get him. After you sign up don’t pretend not to know who for WUnderAdvice premium. we’re talking about. Speaking of hair, our advice is to try sticking Merry Christmas, to men without dandruff this WUnderground year. Even for a holiday lover,
ILLITERATE? SEE US IN VIDEO FORMAT! WUnderTV coming soon on Instagram and Youtube! Page 02/02
Martin exchanged a look of panic, but they soon found themselves caught up in the energy of the celebration. As the night went on, Chancellor Martin and Monica Lewinsky discovered a new appreciation for the traditions and principles of Kwanzaa. They learned about the history of the holiday and the struggles of the AfricanAmerican community. And by the end of the evening, they were both smiling and laughing, caught up in the joy and unity of the Kwanzaa celebration. "I never thought I'd be celebrating Kwanzaa at WashU," Chancellor Martin said to Monica as they left the event. "But I'm glad I did. It was a wonderful experience." "Me too," Monica agreed. "I never realized how much fun Kwanzaa could be. I think I'll have to come back next year."
LESS WOR DS
Tired of being assaulted by WUnderground content on our website, on Instagram, and while peacefully studying in the DUC? Now you have one more way of suffering WashU's Premier Satire News Cult.
DECEMBER 25TH, 2022
VOL 15, ISSUE 6 THE MOST WUNDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
A Sprinkle of Hate this Holiday Season Sexually aroused, confused, comforted, disturbed, deaf in one ear… alone. I felt all these things and more post-attending my first college a capella concert. Sitting in the pews of a place where a funeral had occurred a week ago, I assured myself nothing could be worse than that. I wish I had been briefed. While WashU tour guides make quips about the seal and dedicate at least five minutes to discussing the soft hues those blue lights emit, they neglect to mention that WashU has 13 a cappella groups. Why a school has 13 of anything is one thing but for that to be 13 a capella groups? It’s pretty terrifying. WashU actually has 13 of a lot of things. 13 strains of frat flu, 13 types of black mold in the Beaumont showers, 13 kids in the WashU republican chapter, yet the most frightening, is the disproportionate number of a capella groups.
adults. Yet, in darker news, a recent spike in anti semitism can be cited, not to Kanye’s tweets, but Staam, WashU’s Jewish a capella group. An anonymous member of WashU’s Hillel chapter suggests that they believe the dwindling number of students at Friday night dinner can be accredited to “that one time Staam performed.”
WA R
And listen, I’m not saying that the • people who do a capella are bad people or even untalented, I just think • the acts they’re committing should have been prevented in the Geneva • conventions.
CR
IME
Become vegan Watch a documentary on the ramifications of fracking See my campus crush mimic Gorilla noises at Jane Goodall’s lecture
And I’m not even saying all a capella. I specify WashU a cappella be• Having to yell my order of a cause I’m not a monster. I love Pitch pretzel croissant to a Whisper’s Perfect, but you guys don’t sound like employee in a dead silent WhisPitch Perfect. I feel like you might not pers be getting it, so I’m going to list some things I would rather do than hear a This holiday season, in addition to capella. putting a “fracket” on your christmas list, I urge you to ask for noise • Eat a cherry coke soaked BD crab canceling headphones in case a To be fair, the groups aren’t totally rangoon well intentioned friend asks you to good for nothing. The Aristocats, a • Have a two minute conversation go listen to acapella. Or just ask for group known for their ability to ruin with my roommate’s dad new friends. timeless Disney songs, has actually helped slow the growth of Disney • Listen to a sheep die as a vegan
WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers. The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
REIGN DEER Rusty Dagon Anna Sheriff Benjamin Orlinick Abbey Rose
LAYOUT ANGELS Abby Baird Ashna Ramiah
ELVES
CONSPIRACY: WASHU Sexy Singles Near YOUCOLLUDING Are at RiskWITH of FATHER CHRISTMAS Losing Net Neutrality
Ever found it suspicious that the only two places where you're likely to see red and green all over the place are the North Pole and a certain university in the Midwest? Open your eyes, sheeple!!! It's clear the two are in cahoots with each other. In fact, recent
Shira Aronow Sam Auditore Sammie Axelbaum Abby Baird
intel gives us reason to believe that Santa's POSSe of conspirators have infiltrated our very own organization. Will you help us check if the Claus regime has covertly implanted propaganda into this newspaper's graphics?
Harry Campbell
FIND THEM ALL>>>
Ruby Cover
Riley Card Neil Chavan Chirag Choudhary Margaret Dresselhuys
A Holiday Mystery as White as Our Alumni
#1
#2
Winter is abrewing. That means the skies are stormy, the frats have new pledge classes, and WashU has countless broiling lawsuits when the WashU bear cubs of tiger-mamas slip on the way to Management 100. All of this is to say, mysterious white powders are showing up all over WashU campus. We sent our WUnderground journalist team to collect samples and determine whether they are coke, snow, or unicorn blood.
#3
attempt to use dark magic to pass his Fluids and Solids test, exams that sound like they’re for boring wizards anyway. The dark magic was unsuccessful, according to the grade point average. Conclusion: mysterious white powder #1 was unicorn blood. Also, mental health at WashU is at an all-time low, judging by the disappearance of several unicorns.
The second sample was taken in the East Asian library. It was easy to The first sample was taken outside use a sacrificial goat as a taste tester McKelvey on the east end. We had because no one planned to look up our resident LARP-er (Live Action from their notebooks anyway. That Role Play-er) lick the white powis, until the goat’s pupils dilated, and der off the sideway to process as it started bleating like the horny sevevidence. The LARP-er combusted enteen-year-old couple I lived next to into a Voldemort want-to-be, which freshman year. Conclusion: mysteristrangely resembled my sadly baldous white powder #2 was coke. There ing 23-year-old brother. Then, an may be no food and drinks allowed overworked engineering student ran in the East Asian library, but there out of the east end crying, admitis coke. And no one will ever see the ting to a Harry Potter fetish and an student that snorts it, because they’re
Sara Frankenthaler Noah Gluck Eylul Horozoglu
all too busy clickity-clacketing on laptops and avoiding eye contact with the kid that sounds like they’re anti-vax and sniffling from covid.
Josh Keller
The third sample was taken from the Admission Office’s bank safe. That’s right, we found white substances lining the floor of the room where the Admission Office keeps their bars of gold. It’s supposed to be sealed off from the touring parents that don’t yet know to dive for cover when an impeding bike barrels their way. I licked the powder off the floor myself: it was snow. Don’t worry, the yellow hue came from light reflecting off the gold bars rather than piss or tequila (I am under 21 and STRICTLY spend my time in Ursa’s Nightlife or investigating where the coke is on campus, as this article is about). It turns out, rich parents have been sneaking into the Admissions Office’s bank safe to leave little barshaped presents for the officers that will admit their future, deferred bears in regular decision. In the process, the snowflakes fall off their Canadian Gooses. Conclusion: mysterious white powder #3 was snow.
Will LeVan
Ah yes, another Xmas mystery solved by your favorite, non-balding (yet), WashU detectives: the WUnderground investigative journalist team. A special thanks to one LARP-er and one sacrificial goat in this holiday mystery.
Adam Kirsch Solly Lerman Ella Majd Peter Michalski Will Palmer Rida Qureshi Ashna Ramiah Celia Rattner Sydney Rothschild London Wharton Zach Wurtenberger
ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu
DECEMBER 2022
VOL 19 HOLIDAY ISSUE
SeAsOnS GreEtInGs from the WashU Republicans Location: North Pole Mood: A bit peeved off Well, it’s official. Santa has gone woke. That’s right, he’s Jewish now. Just kidding. But it’s almost just as bad. Old Saint Nicholas must have asked himself for a surfboard this year because he is riding the wave of secular heresy. To preventatively combat his cancelation for years of being too trill, Father Christmas has implemented some policy changes, not the least of which comes to the list of every child that he keeps and checks compulsively like some sort of omniscient Drake. New to his naughty list, all things good, including: comedy. Joseph (he wasn’t the stepfather, just the father that stepped up). Getting cucked by God. The cozy feeling from white-on-white missionary where you just poke your thing through a pair of flesh-colored long johns. White people being racist but it’s cool bc it’s ironic (shit, I already wrote comedy). The top gospel musician
! ! E TIV
FES
of 2022. Body shaming Rudolph. Having your tongue fall to the floor and uncurl like Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape while going, “humina humina humina humina humina” in response to an A+ pair of bazoombas. New to his nice list, evil incarnate, such as: saying happy holidays. when you have to say Christmas, just say Xmas, and imagine that it’s the x from Latinx. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Latinx, say Xmas like Malcom X. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Malcom X, say Xmas like the ex-homie, Judas Iscariot. being nonbinary. Karl Marx (Engels didn’t make the list, he’s even too bitch made for Santa). Every Jew except Jesus. Also on his naughty list, a WSU podcaster who takes statements advocat-
ing human rights as personal attacks. Look. Ima be real. We take a stand against biased higher education by maintaining extremely low levels of reading comprehension. No, I don’t know what “stochastic terrorism” means, but I get the feeling it’s just a way to dismiss me when I say that a harmless group of lovely people are pedophilic groomers who should no longer exist. Checkmate! That is a logical fallacy because it doesn’t engage the substance of my hatred. I just bested you with reason and as a result, made white in my pants. If paying $11,000 to have a genocidal reactionary elevate the level of discourse on campus is naughty, I don’t want to be nice.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? The holiday season is here! WDYT?
LIBS’ NEW DEFENSE
BEAR NECESSITIES
rip dr. oz
local condom
“800 million to Ukraine, 1.2 billion to the war on Christmas.”
“Show mom and dad you’re not ungrateful for $80k in tuition by getting them both WashU mugs they can regift when you transfer.”
GUY WHO SHOPPED AT AVALON ONCE
WASHU COURSE EVALS TEAM
isn’t avalon problematic
Your feedback is a critical piece used by instructors, departments and the administration to improve the learning community at Washington University. Your time is greatly appreciated.
“I just hate the consumerism, you know?”
“You up?”
DECEMBER 2022
TOP 10...
VOL 19 HOLIDAY ISSUE
My Christmas List for Santa
Ways to Dispose of Graduating Seniors Congratulations, class of 2022.5!
10. Vote them out Send ‘em to brunch and 9. they don’t come back Retirement home when they 8. stop making sense them off the island 7. Vote (congratulations Zach) them in a Tuesday Tea 6. Trap mug like a genie them to the depths of 5. Send indeed.com 4. Skinker Kaldi’s Say you put them in the but actually put 3. recycling them in the trash 2. Mississippi River 1. Management Consulting
Dear Santa, #3 A really big hat I got an extensive list this year because I was super cool and nice to my little brother Brady who fucking stinks and smells like Lemonheads all the time. I even went and visited him at Tufts and met his girlfriend Mariah Carey. She sang some dipshit song about what SHE wants for Christmas, but she didn’t even go to church at all this year I think so she should eat shit and die. Anyhoo, first on my list is… #1 Big Bakugan made out of woman This doesn’t really exist yet but I know the elves are super talented. It’s gonna be like Bakugans from 2008 except it pops out into a 5 foot woman who has like a cool silver plate with crab rangoons on it for me. I’ve attached a pirated link to The Human Centipede for inspo. #2 Boxing Lessons to Beat Drake’s Ass
OPINIONS Point: No two snowflakes are the same.
Counterpoint: These identical twin WGGS majors beg to differ.
I fucking hate Drake he’s got that smug ass Smurf face and he came after Megan Thee Stallion’s name I’m gonna punch him in his ovaries.
I just finished Downton Abbey and want to get back to my roots. #4 Lunch with Will Ferrell I just wanted to ask him about his approach to voice acting and how he so perfectly captured the yuppie-turned-cuck The Man in the Yellow Hat in Curious George (2004). #5 Yoga Ball I need a yoga ball this year so I can pretend to be pregnant at Babies R Us. No further questions. #6 A One-Way Ticket to Gary, Indiana I’m not sure if you know this Santa, but Gary is no longer the steel giant it used to be. Industry left for foreign lands (like Alabama). I think I can save it. With my background in nunchucks and nun-fucking I think theres nothing stopping me. Let’s go be heroes Santy write the check.
Renaming my Party After the Libs Stole Christmas