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WUnderground APRIL 5TH, 2023

VOL 19, ISSUE 5

BURIED WUNDERGROUND Inspired by Cocaine Bear, Bear from St. Louis Zoo Escapes and Microdoses DMT Page 7 SNU House Shut Down for Premarital Sex Page of Innocence

Fencing Club Receives Death Threat Over Forest Park Pkwy Fence

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PRICE: 1 CAMPUS CREAMERY SAMPLE

ChatLGBTQ: The Future of Online Love MAK QUE E A ER-Y !

Looking for love? Sick of Hinge revolution. offending you with its compat“It is the program of the fuibility suggestions? Are you ture,” said ChatLGBTQ’s campus queer? Have no fear! This new representative. “Ever since COAI robot has you covered. From VID, people have become increasthe creators of ChatGPT, ChatL- ingly more desperate for love but GBTQ promises to revolutionize also way more socially awkward. your dating life with a simple ChatLGBTQ makes it easier for algorithm. people of all identities to stalk Using ChatLGBTQ is easy: their class crush online without simply ask the bot a datingever making a move.” related question and it will Looking for someone to vouch in to ChatLGBTQ+, the premipromptly respond with a list for ChatLGBTQ's effectiveness, um subscription that knows no of options of other desperate look no further than the queersexual orientation bounds and singles near you. Then, sift est place on campus: frat row. even allows you to connect with through the provided profiles “ChatLGBTQ is amazing,” said an straight people, if you so desire. to find your true love. Gone is IFC representative, who would This monthly subscription the era of kitschy one-liners and prefer to remain anonymous. service provides users with the awkward convos that end up on “I’ve been searching for the anessential features of unlimited BarstoolWashU (boo). swers to love ever since I rushed. likes of other ChatLGBTQ proIn addition to a dating serI thought the cult-like rituals of files, notifications to see who vice, ChatLGBTQ also acts as Greek Life would show me the is creeping on your profile, and a search engine for those who way, but ChatLGBTQ has filled the ability to touch some grass never had the sex talk with their the void in my life that my broth(because we know you need it), parents. Ask the platform any erhood unfortunately couldn’t ChatLGBTQ+ also allows you sex-related question, and it will fill.” to enable the robot to read your respond with astonishing speed If ChatLGBTQ doesn’t quite suggestions aloud in the voice of and accuracy. ChatLGBTQ is satisfy all of your dating needs, Scarlett Johansson — just try not quick, hassle-free, and totally for $29.99 a month, you can opt to fall in love! not a sign of the inevitable robot

OP-ED: If Planes Went Higher In The Sky The Distances Between Places Would Be Shorter BIG CE!

Page home

WashU Goes D3 for Mental Health Page #1

Party Tix Groupchat Now for BD Grubhub Receipts Page 162709

I got a Blowjob from the Italian Exchange Student…Al Dente Page 5"

WUPD Therapy Dogs Named Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Paged poorly

BY ELON MUSK

So like you know how when you’re on Google Maps and you wanna look at a place that’s really far away from the place you are. But since it automatically opens to the place you are, like basically street view, you start to zoom out? Like you’re not gonna scroll to the place you wanna go from the automatic level of zoom because that's just wayyy too close zoomed in and it would take you way too long to find the place you are trying to find. And if the place is, like, across the world you just open the app and start pinching out straight away because you know the fastest way to get there is to zoom really far out until you can see the whole globe at the tip of your fingers and feel that sweet, sweet omnipotence that only God himself knows? (That’s right, liberals, God is a he and I know that because he came to me in a vision when I accidentally overdosed on Ozempic with Mindy Kaling). Like when you get to rotate the globe in your fingers and twirl the planet from above as you bask in the glowing warmth of control, knowing that your unique fingerprint is solely responsible for manipulating the only world that 8 billion people have ever known? Everyone knows that, once you zoom out really far, it is much easier for you to move faster across the globe.

EN

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SpaceX. Okay, fine, maybe I set We all know, also, that this is myself up for confusion by namhow planes work. Yes, of course, ing it that, but I couldn’t name they actually go faster than cars because you don’t have to recharge it “MakePlanesGoHigherX” them every 5 hours, and everyone because that just doesn’t have a good ring to it (and the .com knows that planes go extra fast was already taken for that one). sometimes because they have So, idk, if any of you engithe eldritch power of the Aeolan winds gently blowing their divine neers wanna prove that your grace upon those big metal birds. degree is really as valuable as But, I had an idea: If Planes Went you’ve been telling yourself Higher In The Sky The Distances every time you resist the urge Between Places Would Be Shorter. to leap in front of the campus Like the Google maps thing, if the shuttle, text me PLEASE. I really wanna make this happen plane didn’t stop climbing at a measly 35k feet, but instead went and I think it's a really good really really high up (like zooming idea. I just don’t know where to start. I tried to bribe the pilots out… do you see where I’m going on my last flight and I told them with this…), then they could get to places around the world really I would give them a billion dolfast. This is my vision for SpaceX. lars each if they just kept going higher and higher but they reI don’t want the rockets to go to space— who the fuck cares about fused and now I’m not allowed on Delta anymore. space? Not me. Not until they find a group of people to exploit in space. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions people have about

APRIL 5TH, 2023

VOL 19, ISSUE 5

Students4Stalking Demands Change The recent news of WebSTAC losing WUSTL Faces has hit the campus community with a particular difficulty. Students are struggling with a wide range of issues on the matter. Student A, who prefers to remain anonymous, shared that this is her only manner for stalking men she sees at Sumers: “Not only will I not be able to search my gym crushes, but without being able to access their first and last name on Faces, it will take hours longer to find their Linkedin.” She shared that her grade in Orgo is likely to suffer as a result.

The obstacles as a repercussion of losing Faces are not lim-

ited to campus prospects. Emma B. shared that she uses Faces to find campus look-alikes. Hearing this, Student A replied, “Somebody has too much free time on their hands.”

Emma B. replied to Student A that stalking men on Linkedin is, to paraphrase, a poor use of her time and creepy.

Emma B. is alone in her opinion… A poll from Olin reveals that 79% of students use their LinkedIn for similar purposes. Management 201 may have helped students prepare with “LinkedIn Courses,” but as this study reveals, the real course should be on utilizing the professional networking platform to find out if your future man was

a camp counselor (good with kids), enjoys volunteering (kindhearted), and is majoring in Computer Science (guarantee of future wealth).

Students4Stalking is your voice for all important and unimportant stalking-related concerns students have due to the removal of Faces.

Students4Stalking: Don’t weep, we’ll bring back Faces so you can creep!

CHAFACING LLEN GES

WUNDERGROUND WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Rusty Dagon Anna Sheriff Benjamin Orlinick

New Course Listing: Nonbusiness for Business Students Dear WashU students!

As we gear up for our next round of class registrations, I wanted to bring your attention to a new course being offered in the Olin Business School in thefall. It has come to our attention in recent years that while many of our students have graduated and moved on to do great, impressive, and incredibly important jobs such as [making McRibs at McKinsey and baining at Bain…idk we’re in WUnderground we don't actually get what you guys are up to in the big leagues] or [convincing Chad and Thad to invest in Boeing’s latest line of child-proof rocket launchers or wiping David’s literal asshole until he decides to retire and makes you partner] we’ve started to notice that there seems to be a minor gap in the educational curriculum we’ve been provided. “Nonbusiness for Business Students,” a new OPTIONAL elective course will provide students with basic social concepts and ethical principles that the plebeians/the poors have decided to adopt as “common sense” for society. While these concepts that will be brought up over the course may seem nonsensical—or worse— contradictory to the main pursuit in life of getting this bread, they may help ease the amount of glares our alumni get as they stroll past their neighbors the next time they collapse the stock market.

Abbey Rose

LAYOUT WIZARDS Abby Baird Ashna Ramiah

UNDERLORDS Shira Aronow Sam Auditore Sammie Axelbaum Abby Baird Harry Campbell Riley Card Neil Chavan Chirag Choudhary Ruby Cover Margaret Dresselhuys Sara Frankenthaler Noah Gluck Eylul Horozoglu Adam Kirsch Solly Lerman Will LeVan Ella Majd Peter Michalski Will Palmer Rida Qureshi

Woof Woof, That’s the Sound of the Police

The accused attemped to mitigate allegations with a pup-licity stunt.

Only a month into their training, Brookie and Bear are in deep dogshit for the questionable stop and frisk of beloved WashU icon – Socke the cat. During the search, Socke was caught with an eighth of catnip, leading to his controversial arrest.

Doggy body cam footage reveals that Brookie placed the catnip on the suspect outside of Dardick.

When stopped, Socke calmly spoke with the officers, “meow meow meow, meow?” to which Bear retorted, “stop resisting scumbag!

Show me your paws, now.” Socke only spent one night in the pound and was released on a technicality as the officers forgot to read him his Meowranda rights.

Socke, diagnosed with PTSD following his role as covert stocking stuffer in the War on Christmas, carries a medical license. This, coupled with Missouri’s recent legalization of recreational Catnip, has PETA, AGL WashU, and Juggling Club

up in arms. “These violent pups should’ve never been let on the force,” barked Quincy the Campus Dog, (and rumored former lover), “there is only room for one K9 in this kennel.”

While some groups disagree with Socke’s arrest, others are backing the blue’s clues. “I don’t see a goddamn problem,” says gun-toting feline, Ryle Kittenhouse. “He knew it was illegal, he should pay the consequences.”

Ryle licked his balls, coughed up a hairball, meowed the pledge of allegiance, and then left.

The WUPD announced that Bear will spend one day on paid leave, much to the disappointment of the public. “They don’t understand,” growled Brookie in an exclusive Stud Life interview. “One human day is 7 dog days. That means he skipped dog church. This is cruel and unusual punishment, his right to bark shall not be infringed”. Brookie ran after a bunny, mutilated it, and unapologetically pissed on the seal.

Ashna Ramiah Celia Rattner Sydney Rothschild London Wharton

ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu @wunderground.washu on IG

APRIL 2023

VOL 19, ISSUE 5

Student Perspective: Turns Out, Other Airports Don’t Have Ted Drewes Vending Machines

Over Spring Break, I was in LAX, and everything was good, I was feeling like 2009 Miley Cyrus, it was great. All of a sudden, though, I started feeling really on edge. Almost panicked. “Are you alright?” my friend asked. “You look like you actually need one of the Xanax I take to fly.” I turned down her offer, but I sure wished I hadn’t when I realized what was wrong.

“They don’t even have Ted Drewes vending machines,” I mumbled. I felt almost sick

TOP 10...

Top 10 Things We're Excited to Get Back After Lent

Desperate to clear my head, I stumbled into every room thinking about the socialist around LAX called something deprivation these poor Califor- like “Serenity Suite.” Turns out nians were living under. “Yeah they were all for Muslims prayman,” said one of my friends. ing or mothers nursing their “Most airports don’t. Also, Jesus babies. As I sat taking calming Christ, are you alright?” By breaths on the lactation bench, this point, cold sweat was I realized that maybe not pouring down my whole body. everyone in the world needed “Most airports don’t?” I asked. a vending machine decorated “Yeah. Like only the St. Louis with a smiling man in a tight airport. Because it’s, like, a St. t-shirt tucked into cargo shorts.

Louis thing.”

Perspective: it’s not that hard, people.

That was the last straw.

Suddenly I lived in a world where most people couldn’t just pass the time before a flight looking at a jolly man staring at a cup of ice cream. Most people probably can’t get a freezer-burned frozen custard from a yellow vending machine with a little suction crane, even when they’re not at the airport.

What an ignorant, privileged life I had been leading.

10. Subway

Sumers Rec Center to Install New EFFIC Exorcise Room IENT

Last Thursday, campus tion made us think this addiadministration unveiled plans tion was necessary.” to rehab the beloved Gary The project is a combined M. Sumers Recreation Ceneffort across multiple graduter. Most notable of the $666 ate schools, including Sam million project are designs to Fox’s Master of Architecture outfit the building with a new Program and the Olin School’s exorcise room, available to all MBA program. “We know that students. the business school students “We’ve been feeling some are often doing deals with the bad juju on campus lately,” Devil,” Lucy Fir, a professor in Sayta Nick-Rich Yuilles, a the Architecture School, said, Campus Life representative, “so we thought we could recruit said. “People haven’t been them in the exorcise room defrequenting Graham Chapel sign and business model.” like they probably should, so As of now, the room is to be we decided to install an exorbuilt next to the squash courts, cise room in students’ favorite as that’s where the most posbuilding on campus.” sessed individuals frequent, According to Yuilles, the but the room remains open to room will serve as a safe space all who need a devilish cleanse. for those who have felt a little The room will be open six days possessed as of late. “We know a week (omitting Sundays, of people go to the gym to escape course) and a chaplain from their demons, figuratively,” the Chapel will be on-call at Yuilles said. “But the way some all times for those who need a people act in the weight sechelping hand.

9.

Sigma Nu Frat Parties

8.

NPR

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YouTube Shorts

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Dance Moms Reruns

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Catholic Guilt

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My Virginity

3.

EST Pants

2.

Lexapro

1.

Sweets

!

“At a pressure-cooker school like WashU, students get stressed, and this makes them more susceptible to infiltrations from the devil,” Eve L. Speareet, a representative from the Habif Center, said. “Rather than seeking medical solutions, because why would we ever provide medical assistance, we figured the best route would be to direct students towards the gym. This way, we can kill two birds with one stone: students can exorcise after they exercise, all before lunch! It’s healthier this way.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WashU got rid of WUSTL faces. WDYT?

HORNY PEOPLE

PORNHUB

Down horrendous

Not going anywhere

"No fuck oh god no"

EXPECTING INCREASED TRAFFIC.

PEOPLE WHO WERE UGLY IN HIGH SCHOOL Please dont ask them to swipe you in

"YES!"

GUY WITHOUT A FACE

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Doing fine, thanks

A little insecure

"This changes nothing."

"Good, now no one can see my teeth."

APRIL 2023

VOL 19, ISSUE 5

Crisis Averted: WashU Solves Diversity Problem With One Saliva Swab

OPINIONS

Anyone who attends our lovely university here in St. Louis is privy to its lack of diversity. The school is almost 50 percent White according to collegefactual.com, more than the amount of Black, Asian, or Hispanic students combined.

Or, in other words, the school has 28 acapella groups. The website ranked WashU below average in racial-ethnic diversity. I attempted to verify this information with the university’s demographic records, but the link didn't work.

The only possible deduction that can be made from this technological buffoonery is that WashU is ashamed of their ethnic homogeneity and is therefore hiding their demographic information! This proves my point, and no further investigation is required.

The school’s light-a-scented-candle-andplay-me-some-Mumford-and-Sons level of whiteness is especially overt when looking at the endless array of old white couples featured on paintings across every WashU building.

Their pasty wrinkled faces permeate the halls with reminders of economic immobility and systemic oppression. However, recent developments could mark a change in the narrative surrounding WashU’s whiteness woes. A married couple–Stanley and Lucy–depicted in a mural in Lopata hall, recently took a 23andme DNA test, and the results were shocking.

Against all odds, it was discovered that 4.6% of Stanley Lopata’s genetics were of African lineage, with Lucy not far behind at 3.1% East Asian. Dean David H. Perlmutter, who looks like Jeff Foxworthy and Teddy Roosevelt’s secret love child, called the news “a revelation” and was overheard stating the following with a sense of bombastic pride that only a turn-onsome-Seinfeld-and-call-me-fiscally-conservative type of fellow could muster: “Diversity crisis, no more! Woo, we sure dodged a bullet there.” Now, going forward, all sentiments regarding demographic uniformity at WashU

Point: It's really sad Math and Stats are splitting up.

are null and void. You thought there were real diversity issues at this school, and you thought wrong, baby!

Now, WashU is requiring that all students get DNA tests as “a celebration of the real and actual diversity that definitely exists here at WashU.” Anyone who has over a sixtieth of non-white ancestry will be given minority status by the university and advertised as such. The number comes from an ancient Jewish law stating that a non-kosher portion of food making up at least 1/60th of the batch deems the whole dish prohibitable to eat.

WashU is using this law as a benchmark, of course, because 98.4% percent of the school is Jewish. With this new and improved system of racial classification, WashU projects to be one of the top 10,000 most diverse schools in the country. What an impressive achievement!

While I, as a reporter, usually try to remain as objective and fact-based as possible–a pure, glimmering vessel of truth, if you will–I find that, given my current platform, it is my obligation to offer my opinion on the recent developments presented above: I am both honored and thrilled to be a part of an institution that is so dedicated to diversity and representation within its student body. Dare I say, this is what the American Dream is all about. Is it not our very purpose as humans on this planet to co-exist amongst different backgrounds and creeds in a perpetual state of peace, harmony, and happiness? Plus, my school-sponsored DNA test indicated that I have a genetic predisposition to terminal stomach cancer, so I’m feeling a little existential. Go WashU!

They just didn't have chemistry :(

Counterpoint: They should have gotten Cupples counseling!

Now they just see their x and wonder y it didn't work out

-Dean David H. Perlmutter

Inspiring: WashU Student Reflects on Internship “from Hell” Recently, WUnderground sat down with a student who just returned from a semester doing an “internship from hell.” ‘S’, who asked to remain anonymous, had a lot to say about her time in the working world.

S gained experience in a highstress environment, interfacing directly with clients. “We really had to be ball busters,” she explained. “I

mean, I personally thought microwaving genitalia was a bit much, but I wasn’t about to say anything.

You do not want to get on my boss’s bad side.”

S could not disclose the name of her employer, but she did share some of the challenges she faced while traveling for work. “Okay, no one really talks about the climate shock of leaving but it. Was. So. Hot. There. And there was a language barrier sometimes? Like, plenty of people spoke English or Mandarin so that was good, but when I listened to some of the other staff it sounded like they were speaking in tongues. And my boss was the actual Devil. Like, dude, chill out about the sins of man, sheesh.”

Every heavenly cloud has a silver lining, and S was also excited to talk about some of the positive takeaways. “So like, I knew it was gonna be scary, of course. Having an internship, I mean. But I’m really into true crime? And I know it’s kind of controversial, the whole fascination with harm, but the people I was, uh, working with knew a lot about all kinds of murders. So I was excited to go into this field. Who needs Truman Capote when I’ve got these guys, haha! Also, I feel like it really boosted my confidence. When I first arrived, I was, like, apologizing to people as I peeled off their skin or whatever, but now, I’m totally an empowered woman! I feel ready to take on the working world and kick anyone’s ass.”

E CONS THICAL UMPT ION!

Her story is a great resource for any WashU students considering internships; S describes the experience as a challenging growth opportunity. “I mean, it was literally hell. But I guess that’s what junior year’s all about!”