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ChatLGBTQ: The Future of Online Love

Looking for love? Sick of Hinge offending you with its compatibility suggestions? Are you queer? Have no fear! This new AI robot has you covered. From the creators of ChatGPT, ChatLGBTQ promises to revolutionize your dating life with a simple algorithm.

Using ChatLGBTQ is easy: simply ask the bot a datingrelated question and it will promptly respond with a list of options of other desperate singles near you. Then, sift through the provided profiles to find your true love. Gone is the era of kitschy one-liners and awkward convos that end up on BarstoolWashU (boo).

In addition to a dating service, ChatLGBTQ also acts as a search engine for those who never had the sex talk with their parents. Ask the platform any sex-related question, and it will respond with astonishing speed and accuracy. ChatLGBTQ is quick, hassle-free, and totally not a sign of the inevitable robot

revolution.

“It is the program of the future,” said ChatLGBTQ’s campus representative. “Ever since COVID, people have become increasingly more desperate for love but also way more socially awkward. ChatLGBTQ makes it easier for people of all identities to stalk their class crush online without ever making a move.”

Looking for someone to vouch for ChatLGBTQ's effectiveness, look no further than the queerest place on campus: frat row.

“ChatLGBTQ is amazing,” said an IFC representative, who would prefer to remain anonymous.

“I’ve been searching for the answers to love ever since I rushed. I thought the cult-like rituals of Greek Life would show me the way, but ChatLGBTQ has filled the void in my life that my brotherhood unfortunately couldn’t fill.”

If ChatLGBTQ doesn’t quite satisfy all of your dating needs, for $29.99 a month, you can opt

MAKEA QUEER-Y!

in to ChatLGBTQ+, the premium subscription that knows no sexual orientation bounds and even allows you to connect with straight people, if you so desire. This monthly subscription service provides users with the essential features of unlimited likes of other ChatLGBTQ profiles, notifications to see who is creeping on your profile, and the ability to touch some grass (because we know you need it), ChatLGBTQ+ also allows you to enable the robot to read your suggestions aloud in the voice of Scarlett Johansson — just try not to fall in love!

OP-ED: If Planes Went Higher In The Sky The Distances Between Places Would Be Shorter

BY ELON MUSK

BIG DIFFERENCE!

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So like you know how when you’re on Google Maps and you wanna look at a place that’s really far away from the place you are. But since it automatically opens to the place you are, like basically street view, you start to zoom out? Like you’re not gonna scroll to the place you wanna go from the automatic level of zoom because that's just wayyy too close zoomed in and it would take you way too long to find the place you are trying to find. And if the place is, like, across the world you just open the app and start pinching out straight away because you know the fastest way to get there is to zoom really far out until you can see the whole globe at the tip of your fingers and feel that sweet, sweet omnipotence that only God himself knows? (That’s right, liberals, God is a he and I know that because he came to me in a vision when I accidentally overdosed on Ozempic with Mindy Kaling). Like when you get to rotate the globe in your fingers and twirl the planet from above as you bask in the glowing warmth of control, knowing that your unique fingerprint is solely responsible for manipulating the only world that 8 billion people have ever known? Everyone knows that, once you zoom out really far, it is much easier for you to move faster across the globe.

We all know, also, that this is how planes work. Yes, of course, they actually go faster than cars because you don’t have to recharge them every 5 hours, and everyone knows that planes go extra fast sometimes because they have the eldritch power of the Aeolan winds gently blowing their divine grace upon those big metal birds. But, I had an idea: If Planes Went Higher In The Sky The Distances Between Places Would Be Shorter. Like the Google maps thing, if the plane didn’t stop climbing at a measly 35k feet, but instead went really really high up (like zooming out… do you see where I’m going with this…), then they could get to places around the world really fast. This is my vision for SpaceX. I don’t want the rockets to go to space— who the fuck cares about space? Not me. Not until they find a group of people to exploit in space. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions people have about

SpaceX. Okay, fine, maybe I set myself up for confusion by naming it that, but I couldn’t name it “MakePlanesGoHigherX” because that just doesn’t have a good ring to it (and the .com was already taken for that one).

So, idk, if any of you engineers wanna prove that your degree is really as valuable as you’ve been telling yourself every time you resist the urge to leap in front of the campus shuttle, text me PLEASE. I really wanna make this happen and I think it's a really good idea. I just don’t know where to start. I tried to bribe the pilots on my last flight and I told them I would give them a billion dollars each if they just kept going higher and higher but they refused and now I’m not allowed on Delta anymore.

Students4Stalking Demands Change

The recent news of WebSTAC losing WUSTL Faces has hit the campus community with a particular difficulty. Students are struggling with a wide range of issues on the matter. Student A, who prefers to remain anonymous, shared that this is her only manner for stalking men she sees at Sumers: “Not only will I not be able to search my gym crushes, but without being able to access their first and last name on Faces, it will take hours longer to find their Linkedin.” She shared that her grade in Orgo is likely to suffer as a result.

The obstacles as a repercussion of losing Faces are not lim-

ited to campus prospects. Emma B. shared that she uses Faces to find campus look-alikes. Hearing this, Student A replied, “Somebody has too much free time on their hands.”

Emma B. replied to Student A that stalking men on Linkedin is, to paraphrase, a poor use of her time and creepy.

Emma B. is alone in her opinion… A poll from Olin reveals that 79% of students use their LinkedIn for similar purposes. Management 201 may have helped students prepare with “LinkedIn Courses,” but as this study reveals, the real course should be on utilizing the professional networking platform to find out if your future man was

a camp counselor (good with kids), enjoys volunteering (kindhearted), and is majoring in Computer Science (guarantee of future wealth). Students4Stalking is your voice for all important and unimportant stalking-related concerns students have due to the removal of Faces.

Students4Stalking: Don’t weep, we’ll bring back Faces so you can creep!

FACING CHALLENGES

New Course Listing: Nonbusiness for Business Students

Dear WashU students!

As we gear up for our next round of class registrations, I wanted to bring your attention to a new course being offered in the Olin Business School in thefall. It has come to our attention in recent years that while many of our students have graduated and moved on to do great, impressive, and incredibly important jobs such as [making McRibs at McKinsey and baining at Bain…idk we’re in WUnderground we don't actually get what you guys are up to in the big leagues] or [convincing Chad and Thad to invest in Boeing’s latest line of child-proof rocket launchers or wiping David’s literal asshole until he decides to retire and makes you partner] we’ve started to notice that there seems to be a minor gap in the educational curriculum we’ve been provided. “Nonbusiness for Business Students,” a new OPTIONAL elective course will provide students with basic social concepts and ethical principles that the plebeians/the poors have decided to adopt as “common sense” for society. While these concepts that will be brought up over the course may seem nonsensical—or worse— contradictory to the main pursuit in life of getting this bread, they may help ease the amount of glares our alumni get as they stroll past their neighbors the next time they collapse the stock market.

Woof Woof, That’s the Sound of the Police

Only a month into their training, Brookie and Bear are in deep dogshit for the questionable stop and frisk of beloved WashU icon – Socke the cat. During the search, Socke was caught with an eighth of catnip, leading to his controversial arrest. Doggy body cam footage reveals that Brookie placed the catnip on the suspect outside of Dardick. When stopped, Socke calmly spoke with the officers, “meow meow meow, meow?” to which Bear retorted, “stop resisting scumbag! Show me your paws, now.” Socke only spent one night in the pound and was released on a technicality as the officers forgot to read him his Meowranda rights.

Socke, diagnosed with PTSD following his role as covert stocking stuffer in the War on Christmas, carries a medical license. This, coupled with Missouri’s recent legalization of recreational Catnip, has PETA, AGL WashU, and Juggling Club

up in arms. “These violent pups should’ve never been let on the force,” barked Quincy the Campus Dog, (and rumored former lover), “there is only room for one K9 in this kennel.” While some groups disagree with Socke’s arrest, others are backing the blue’s clues. “I don’t see a goddamn problem,” says gun-toting feline, Ryle Kittenhouse. “He knew it was illegal, he should pay the consequences.” Ryle licked his balls, coughed up a hairball, meowed the pledge of allegiance, and then left.

The WUPD announced that Bear will spend one day on paid leave, much to the disappointment of the public. “They don’t understand,” growled Brookie in an exclusive Stud Life interview. “One human day is 7 dog days. That means he skipped dog church. This is cruel and unusual punishment, his right to bark shall not be infringed”. Brookie ran after a bunny, mutilated it, and unapologetically pissed on the seal.

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers. The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS

Rusty Dagon

Anna Sheriff

Benjamin Orlinick

Abbey Rose

Abby Baird

Ashna Ramiah

LAYOUT WIZARDS UNDERLORDS

Shira Aronow

Sam Auditore

Sammie Axelbaum

Abby Baird

Harry Campbell

Riley Card

Neil Chavan

Chirag Choudhary

Ruby Cover

Margaret Dresselhuys

Sara Frankenthaler

Noah Gluck

Eylul Horozoglu

Adam Kirsch

Solly Lerman

Will LeVan

Ella Majd

Peter Michalski

Will Palmer

Rida Qureshi

Ashna Ramiah

Celia Rattner

Sydney Rothschild

London Wharton

The accused attemped to mitigate allegations with a pup-licity stunt.

Student Perspective: Turns Out, Other Airports Don’t Have Ted Drewes Vending Machines

thinking about the socialist deprivation these poor Californians were living under. “Yeah man,” said one of my friends.

“Most airports don’t. Also, Jesus Christ, are you alright?” By this point, cold sweat was pouring down my whole body.

“Most airports don’t?” I asked.

Over Spring Break, I was in LAX, and everything was good, I was feeling like 2009 Miley Cyrus, it was great. All of a sudden, though, I started feeling really on edge. Almost panicked. “Are you alright?” my friend asked. “You look like you actually need one of the Xanax I take to fly.” I turned down her offer, but I sure wished I hadn’t when I realized what was wrong.

“They don’t even have Ted Drewes vending machines,” I mumbled. I felt almost sick

“Yeah. Like only the St. Louis airport. Because it’s, like, a St. Louis thing.”

That was the last straw. Suddenly I lived in a world where most people couldn’t just pass the time before a flight looking at a jolly man staring at a cup of ice cream. Most people probably can’t get a freezer-burned frozen custard from a yellow vending machine with a little suction crane, even when they’re not at the airport. What an ignorant, privileged life I had been leading.

Desperate to clear my head, I stumbled into every room around LAX called something like “Serenity Suite.” Turns out they were all for Muslims praying or mothers nursing their babies. As I sat taking calming breaths on the lactation bench, I realized that maybe not everyone in the world needed a vending machine decorated with a smiling man in a tight t-shirt tucked into cargo shorts. Perspective: it’s not that hard, people.

Subway NPR

YouTube Shorts

Sumers Rec Center to Install New Exorcise Room

Last Thursday, campus administration unveiled plans to rehab the beloved Gary M. Sumers Recreation Center. Most notable of the $666 million project are designs to outfit the building with a new exorcise room, available to all students.

“We’ve been feeling some bad juju on campus lately,” Sayta Nick-Rich Yuilles, a Campus Life representative, said. “People haven’t been frequenting Graham Chapel like they probably should, so we decided to install an exorcise room in students’ favorite building on campus.”

According to Yuilles, the room will serve as a safe space for those who have felt a little possessed as of late. “We know people go to the gym to escape their demons, figuratively,” Yuilles said. “But the way some people act in the weight sec-

tion made us think this addition was necessary.”

The project is a combined effort across multiple graduate schools, including Sam Fox’s Master of Architecture Program and the Olin School’s MBA program. “We know that the business school students are often doing deals with the Devil,” Lucy Fir, a professor in the Architecture School, said, “so we thought we could recruit them in the exorcise room design and business model.”

As of now, the room is to be built next to the squash courts, as that’s where the most possessed individuals frequent, but the room remains open to all who need a devilish cleanse. The room will be open six days a week (omitting Sundays, of course) and a chaplain from the Chapel will be on-call at all times for those who need a helping hand.

“At a pressure-cooker school like WashU, students get stressed, and this makes them more susceptible to infiltrations from the devil,” Eve L. Speareet, a representative from the Habif Center, said. “Rather than seeking medical solutions, because why would we ever provide medical assistance, we figured the best route would be to direct students towards the gym. This way, we can kill two birds with one stone: students can exorcise after they exercise, all before lunch! It’s healthier this way.”

Crisis Averted: WashU Solves Diversity Problem With One Saliva

Swab

Anyone who attends our lovely university here in St. Louis is privy to its lack of diversity. The school is almost 50 percent White according to collegefactual.com, more than the amount of Black, Asian, or Hispanic students combined. Or, in other words, the school has 28 acapella groups. The website ranked WashU below average in racial-ethnic diversity. I attempted to verify this information with the university’s demographic records, but the link didn't work. The only possible deduction that can be made from this technological buffoonery is that WashU is ashamed of their ethnic homogeneity and is therefore hiding their demographic information! This proves my point, and no further investigation is required.

The school’s light-a-scented-candle-andplay-me-some-Mumford-and-Sons level of whiteness is especially overt when looking at the endless array of old white couples featured on paintings across every WashU building. Their pasty wrinkled faces permeate the halls with reminders of economic immobility and systemic oppression. However, recent developments could mark a change in the narrative surrounding WashU’s whiteness woes. A married couple–Stanley and Lucy–depicted in a mural in Lopata hall, recently took a 23andme DNA test, and the results were shocking. Against all odds, it was discovered that 4.6% of Stanley Lopata’s genetics were of African lineage, with Lucy not far behind at 3.1% East Asian. Dean David H. Perlmutter, who looks like Jeff Foxworthy and Teddy Roosevelt’s secret love child, called the news “a revelation” and was overheard stating the following with a sense of bombastic pride that only a turn-onsome-Seinfeld-and-call-me-fiscally-conservative type of fellow could muster: “Diversity crisis, no more! Woo, we sure dodged a bullet there.” Now, going forward, all sentiments regarding demographic uniformity at WashU

are null and void. You thought there were real diversity issues at this school, and you thought wrong, baby!

Now, WashU is requiring that all students get DNA tests as “a celebration of the real and actual diversity that definitely exists here at WashU.” Anyone who has over a sixtieth of non-white ancestry will be given minority status by the university and advertised as such. The number comes from an ancient Jewish law stating that a non-kosher portion of food making up at least 1/60th of the batch deems the whole dish prohibitable to eat. WashU is using this law as a benchmark, of course, because 98.4% percent of the school is Jewish. With this new and improved system of racial classification, WashU projects to be one of the top 10,000 most diverse schools in the country. What an impressive achievement!

While I, as a reporter, usually try to remain as objective and fact-based as possible–a pure, glimmering vessel of truth, if you will–I find that, given my current platform, it is my obligation to offer my opinion on the recent developments presented above: I am both honored and thrilled to be a part of an institution that is so dedicated to diversity and representation within its student body. Dare I say, this is what the American Dream is all about. Is it not our very purpose as humans on this planet to co-exist amongst different backgrounds and creeds in a perpetual state of peace, harmony, and happiness? Plus, my school-sponsored DNA test indicated that I have a genetic predisposition to terminal stomach cancer, so I’m feeling a little existential. Go WashU!

-Dean David H. Perlmutter

Point: It's really sad Math and Stats are splitting up.

Counterpoint: They should have gotten Cupples counseling!

Now they just see their x and wonder y it didn't work out

Inspiring: WashU Student Reflects on Internship “from Hell”

Recently, WUnderground sat down with a student who just returned from a semester doing an “internship from hell.” ‘S’, who asked to remain anonymous, had a lot to say about her time in the working world.

S gained experience in a highstress environment, interfacing directly with clients. “We really had to be ball busters,” she explained. “I

mean, I personally thought microwaving genitalia was a bit much, but I wasn’t about to say anything. You do not want to get on my boss’s bad side.”

S could not disclose the name of her employer, but she did share some of the challenges she faced while traveling for work. “Okay, no one really talks about the climate shock of leaving but it. Was. So. Hot. There. And there was a language barrier sometimes? Like, plenty of people spoke English or Mandarin so that was good, but when I listened to some of the other staff it sounded like they were speaking in tongues. And my boss was the actual Devil. Like, dude, chill out about the sins of man, sheesh.”

Every heavenly cloud has a silver lining, and S was also excited to talk about some of the positive takeaways. “So like, I knew it was gonna be scary, of course. Having an internship, I mean. But I’m really into true crime? And I know it’s kind of controversial, the whole fascination with harm, but the people I was, uh, working with knew a lot about all kinds of murders. So I was excited to go into this field. Who needs Truman Capote when I’ve got these guys, haha! Also, I feel like it really boosted my confidence. When I first arrived, I was, like, apologizing to people as I peeled off their skin or whatever, but now, I’m totally an empowered woman! I feel ready to take on the working world and kick anyone’s ass.”

Her story is a great resource for any WashU students considering internships; S describes the experience as a challenging growth opportunity. “I mean, it was literally hell. But I guess that’s what junior year’s all about!”