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WUnderground FEBRUARY 9TH, 2023
VOL 19, ISSUE 4
BURIED WUNDERGROUND WashU Bans Weed-Out Classes following Marijuana Legalization Pg. 420
Math Class Moves to Zoom for Snow, Effectively Teaches Regression Pg. Yi = β0 + β1 xi + εi
Classified Kappa Backfiles Found at Biden Estate Pg. γ
@overheard_wustl Bankrupt After Apple Releases Noise Canceling Headphones Pg. $500
Male Writing Professor: "Chauvinist, Don't Tellvinist" Pg. triarchy
Microplastics found in Lego City River
Pgs 5 and up
Warning: The Pre-Med Can Still Get You Pregnant
Pg. 0 positive
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PRICE: PRICE BABY
WashU to Move Seigle Hall Three Inches to the Left L A R E LAT E MOV
MUDD FIELD
The revolution is finally upon us. Moving Forward. Transformation. Here and Next. These are all words to describe the trajectory WashU has been taking in the last few years. Seeing as the university is at the forefront of science, arts, and culture (by Midwestern standards), the administration of this great institution has its sights set on progress. And Chancellor Andrew Martin, champion of the people, has recently announced the next great leap in progress: moving Seigle Hall three inches to the left. In a recent press conference, Martin announced the project, stating, “Moving Seigle Hall three inches to the left will redefine the way space is seen on campus. What was once an antiquated and oppressive collection of buildings will soon become a contemporary utopia of happiness and equality.” When questioned on his reasoning, Martin crinkled some paper in front of the microphone, and claimed that he was “going through a tunnel” and “breaking up”. Shortly after, he scampered away.
The revelation of the Provost's first name comes not long after the recent intel WUnderground received regarding the spelling of Siegel Seegle Seagull Seigle Hall.
WUnderground reached out to Provost Beverly Wendland for comment, and after learning that her first name was not, in fact, “Provost”, we sat down with “Beverly” to discuss the new project. “The name of the game is progress”, said Wendland, “and that is absolutely worth the effort it will take to move Seigle Hall three inches to the left. Will this project come with a massive tuition increase? Will we have to move all the Arts and Sciences classes to the Eastgate Taco Bell parking lot? Do we still need to un-flood the basement of Lopata House? The answer to all these questions, of course, is yes. But according to the admissions department,
WashU is a supportive community, so I know the student body will understand the importance of these changes, and the sacrifice they require.” Wendland then proceeded to stand up, salute, and sing the WashU alma mater, which is apparently a thing we have. Stay tuned for updates on this still developing story. --UPDATE 1: Early reports say that the remaining three inches of space created by the move will be shared by the various fraternities on campus. Said an IFC representative, “Three inches is more than enough”
Study finds Poll Everywhere Questions Not To Be Answered Everywhere WRIGHTON 300
Last semester, freshman Isaac Weizenbaum was baffled when he received an email accusing him of an academic integrity violation after completing his Chem 111A clicker questions. “Everywhere. It’s literally in the name. Poll Everywhere. Since when is the first floor of Dardick not a place? Make it make sense,” says Isaac, who was doing his laundry at the time of the incident. “Where is the diversity of representation? You can’t say
that only people in Wrighton 300 do the polls, but that just feels have a voice–It’s like how WashU cheap. If someone’s gonna submit claims to represent all 50 states aimless guesses without knowing and more than 100 countries but what the question is asking, I’d everyone in SU is from the Bay rather it’d be me.” Area.” We also interviewed sophoIsaac, a premed student mamore Mia Chen, who says she is joring in Political Science, confacing similar allegations after tinued on to say something about answering a poll question that taxation without representation her professor told everyone not to or consent of the governed or answer so that they could catch something our reporters don’t re- those voting from elsewhere: member from high school history “I was in class, I was just wearclass because we were all popular. ing headphones. How am I sup“I could ask my friend Mark posed to be a mysterious Pinterest who’s in class to log in for me and girl if my professors won’t let me wear my Sony WH-1000XM4s? It’s not my fault Suki Waterhouse contributes more to my personal development than St. Louis dot structures or whatever they’re called. At least getting suspended might make me seem like more of an enigma.” We reached out to the professors of Chem 111A in response to these events and reminded them that, due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, students exist everywhere and nowhere at once. Outsmarted again, they declined to comment.