Make Wash U Great Again VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1
AUGUST 24, 2015
PRICE: 20% off with Bed Bath and Beyond coupon
Sophomore Transfer Hopes Academic Environment Provides Distraction from Sex
Buried WUnderground
fter spending mind, not my cock.” Gomes, a fellow member of his freshman year Last year, Peterson was his Chemistry study group. at Arizona State known for being a dedicated “He would text me 15 minutes University having student during his first semester, before every session asking sex nearly every day with stun- according to his friends. In the to make up an excuse for why ningly beautiful co‐eds, Soph- Spring however, his attention he couldn’t make it. In reality, omore Blake Peterson hopes was placed on girls wearing he would be having sex with that Washington University’s spaghetti‐strapped tank tops and someone new. We met on rigorous academic environment tight shorts. His classmates were Sundays at three. He missed provides him a much‐needed growing concerned that he was out on prime studying time to distraction. According to fellow spending too much time having get pussy. What a boner.” ASU students, Peterson was sex and not enough time in As for how Peterson was frequently seen spending late group study sessions and office admitted to the extremely nights at popular bars and clubs, hours. competitive Washington leaving with different attractive “He wasn’t having fun with University despite not previwomen each time. As a newly‐ the rest of us,” said Sylvester ously focusing on his academics, declared Biology major, Peterson hopes that this new environment gives him an opportunity to refocus his attention. “I’ll never be around so many accomplished academics and driven students again in my life, so I need to take advantage of that,” explained Peterson. “The college experience isn’t about wasting my time and money on daily, emotionless sexual stimulation. I should be enlarging my Peterson with some of his less attractive hook-ups Continued on page 4
No One Remembers Inviting Ukulele Guy to Party
A
page 0
Freshman Really Anxious About Secret Second Call-Back at Club President’s Apartment page 3.14
J.D. Power and Associates Rank Wash U Most Spacious Midsize Sedan of 2015
Unpaid intern excited to show off office perks For someone who performs more than 80 hours per week of unpaid labor for a company that can afford to give its executives sevenfigure salaries, Charlie Thomas sure is proud of his office perks, according to his friends and Instagram followers. The rising senior, who is just finishing up a summer intern-
ship with prestigious investment firm Westman Porter & Associates, reportedly fills his social media accounts photos and videos of the goodies his company gives to him. “Probably four times a week Charlie posts a picture of the free lunch in his office,” said Ellie Baker, high school friend of
Thomas. “I love Chipotle too, but I don’t take a selfie every time I eat a fucking burrito bowl. Plus I get paid ten bucks an hour as a camp counselor so I can afford to buy it for myself.” But Thomas, who spends most of his summer poring over complicated datasets in an overly air-conditioned cubicle next to a mouth breathing software developer, doesn’t seem troubled by the fact that thousands of other employers pay living wages for less difficult and more fulfilling work. Instead, friends say he brags constantly about the fact that he is allowed to wear jeans to work and that the office fridge stocks his favorite flavor of diet Hansen’s soda. Nor does Thomas report being concerned about the fact that his housing stipend doesn’t even cover his share of the rent in a three
Thomas sat in his roly chair so that he looked productive when taking pictures of himself at work, seen here
page xvii
Kid Who Spent Semester Abroad Now A Proud FOMO Survivor page Z17
Mom already forgot iCloud password page 111
Freshman Doesn’t Join Club in First Week, Doomed to Never Have Any Friends page 5^7
Continued on page 4