Make Wash U Great Again VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1
AUGUST 24, 2015
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Sophomore Transfer Hopes Academic Environment Provides Distraction from Sex
Buried WUnderground
fter spending mind, not my cock.” Gomes, a fellow member of his freshman year Last year, Peterson was his Chemistry study group. at Arizona State known for being a dedicated “He would text me 15 minutes University having student during his first semester, before every session asking sex nearly every day with stun- according to his friends. In the to make up an excuse for why ningly beautiful co‐eds, Soph- Spring however, his attention he couldn’t make it. In reality, omore Blake Peterson hopes was placed on girls wearing he would be having sex with that Washington University’s spaghetti‐strapped tank tops and someone new. We met on rigorous academic environment tight shorts. His classmates were Sundays at three. He missed provides him a much‐needed growing concerned that he was out on prime studying time to distraction. According to fellow spending too much time having get pussy. What a boner.” ASU students, Peterson was sex and not enough time in As for how Peterson was frequently seen spending late group study sessions and office admitted to the extremely nights at popular bars and clubs, hours. competitive Washington leaving with different attractive “He wasn’t having fun with University despite not previwomen each time. As a newly‐ the rest of us,” said Sylvester ously focusing on his academics, declared Biology major, Peterson hopes that this new environment gives him an opportunity to refocus his attention. “I’ll never be around so many accomplished academics and driven students again in my life, so I need to take advantage of that,” explained Peterson. “The college experience isn’t about wasting my time and money on daily, emotionless sexual stimulation. I should be enlarging my Peterson with some of his less attractive hook-ups Continued on page 4
No One Remembers Inviting Ukulele Guy to Party
A
page 0
Freshman Really Anxious About Secret Second Call-Back at Club President’s Apartment page 3.14
J.D. Power and Associates Rank Wash U Most Spacious Midsize Sedan of 2015
Unpaid intern excited to show off office perks For someone who performs more than 80 hours per week of unpaid labor for a company that can afford to give its executives sevenfigure salaries, Charlie Thomas sure is proud of his office perks, according to his friends and Instagram followers. The rising senior, who is just finishing up a summer intern-
ship with prestigious investment firm Westman Porter & Associates, reportedly fills his social media accounts photos and videos of the goodies his company gives to him. “Probably four times a week Charlie posts a picture of the free lunch in his office,” said Ellie Baker, high school friend of
Thomas. “I love Chipotle too, but I don’t take a selfie every time I eat a fucking burrito bowl. Plus I get paid ten bucks an hour as a camp counselor so I can afford to buy it for myself.” But Thomas, who spends most of his summer poring over complicated datasets in an overly air-conditioned cubicle next to a mouth breathing software developer, doesn’t seem troubled by the fact that thousands of other employers pay living wages for less difficult and more fulfilling work. Instead, friends say he brags constantly about the fact that he is allowed to wear jeans to work and that the office fridge stocks his favorite flavor of diet Hansen’s soda. Nor does Thomas report being concerned about the fact that his housing stipend doesn’t even cover his share of the rent in a three
Thomas sat in his roly chair so that he looked productive when taking pictures of himself at work, seen here
page xvii
Kid Who Spent Semester Abroad Now A Proud FOMO Survivor page Z17
Mom already forgot iCloud password page 111
Freshman Doesn’t Join Club in First Week, Doomed to Never Have Any Friends page 5^7
Continued on page 4
VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1
AUGUST 24, 2015
Joe Biden Considering Going On A Run seize the opportunity before it Sources close to Joe Biden is too late. tell WUnderground that the Vice “You’re 72 years old, Dad,” President is considering going on a run after examining the existing landscape. Initially thought to be satisfied with the White House elliptical machine, Biden is turning heads in the establishment with this unexpected news. This would be Biden’s third run, his most recent one coming in 2008. “He may or he may not,” said a top Democratic advisor, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “Not having run in eight years, injury is undeniably a risk, not to mention his feet might have grown since the last time he put on his running shoes. However, with the National Mall closed to the public for maintenance, the field is very open.” Another important contributing factor is the apparent conversation the Biden sizing up the terrain Vice President had with said Beau moments before his son, Beau before he tragically passing. “You’re a heartbeat passed several weeks ago. Those away from being the most in the room recall that the younger powerful man in the world, Biden encouraged his father to
and you have less than 18 months to take advantage of that. While it’s nice outside and you’re still healthy just have the Secret Service safely figure out a route for you. It’s what I would do.” If Biden decides to run, it could also present an awkward turn in his relationship with President Obama, who personally asked White House staffers to purchase the elliptical to accommodate Biden’s weak knees. Medical experts have advised the Vice President that the high‐profile exercise could place additional stress on his body given the gradual inclines and declines near the White House. Essentially Biden is pitting his late son’s wishes against many of those within Democratic leadership. The tension is visibly mounting for the Vice President as he was reportedly overheard whispering to himself, “this is a big fucking deal!” As of press time, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hilary Clinton is still refusing to release thousands of pages of her FitBit data.
WUnderground WUnderground is WashU’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as that chick who you’re kind of into poking you on Facebook. However, the news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff President Sam Blumkin Andrew Miller Editor in Chief Mac Slone Editor in Chief
Staff Callan Coghlan Aaron Dozzi Clay Klein Justin Kroll JP Liebenson
President Obama can’t wait to jerk off Though he assured the public that it won’t affect the quality of his work, President Obama admitted on Tuesday that it has been about five years since he last masturbated, and that he can’t wait to get out of the White House so he can “finally settle down for a nice long jerk sesh.” The 44th President, now well into his second term, cited a number of reasons for the drought in his selfpleasure. “The Secret Service guys are the main problem,” Obama said. “After this long I probably only need about two minutes from start to finish, but I’m only allowed sixty seconds of privacy at a time or those guys start to get their panties in a twist.” One White House staffer speculated that the situation is exacerbated by the fact that President Obama has access to a database of naked pictures of every American
Josh Moskow Simon Olson Blake Robertson Jordan Siff Patricia Witt Juliet Zirn
Obama, wondering if the White House wifi has a porn filter citizen. “If he wants to look at Megan Fox or Jennifer Lawrence or your sister, he can do it. No problem,” said the staffer, who asked to remain anonymous. “Of course, so can everybody else in the White House. It must be torture when he walks through our offices.” But that’s not the worst part, according to the President. “Once I made the mistake of telling Bill [Clinton] about my little
problem,” he said. “He thought the whole thing was funny, and of course he knows all the ins and outs of a president’s schedule, so every time I have five minutes free he makes prank calls on the emergency line to make sure I can’t sneak off.” At press time, the president was subtly rubbing up against the edge of his desk and gazing longingly at a portrait of George Washington.
We are always recruiting new members. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, spellczech, or post our nudes to the internet, email us at: wunderground@su.wustl.edu, like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter (@_WUnderground)
ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu
VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1
AUGUST 24, 2015
Live-Action Role Play Club President Promises It’s Not a Weird Sex Thing
LARPers, being totally normal and not weird in any way For years, students on the 40 have been exposed to the bi-weekly rituals of the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, which meets on the Koenig lawn every Thursday and Saturday to act out elaborate fantasies. This live-action role playing, or “LARPing,” generally consists of
students dressing up in costumes and smacking their swords together and has long been looked down upon by the otherwise tolerant WashU community. However, to start off the new semester club president Marvin “Asmodeus The Violator” Rosenberg has set about to
Point
change his club’s public persona. “Belegarth is about reliving the thrill hand-tohand melee combat. It’s about harkening back to when warfare was about chivalry and honor, not hiding in trenches or calling down airstrikes,” Rosenberg told a group of touring Freshmen, dressed in what looked suspiciously like a French maid costume. “I don’t know where the misconception about the mass orgies even came from!” To back up this surprising claim, the Society’s Facebook page makes no mention of debauched sexual acts, advertising the group as place to “come blow off some steam and have fun in the open air! Open to all but more girls prefered.” New Koenig residents still seem confused however. Mitch McMarcus, a freshman living on Koenig 4 reports that he grew suspicious of the club after an incident where he stopped to watch the club after coming back from class. According to McMarcus, “after I looked for a couple of minutes, one of the
members dressed as an anthropomorphic dog asked me if I could be his ‘daddy’ and told me ‘I can provide the protection if you can bring the weapon.’ That was the point when I ran off.” However, not everyone has the same opinion about the society. Some students, like freshman Meghan Smith, have fully embraced the club despite the misconceptions that seem to surround it. “I’m just glad there’s a place here at WashU where I can dress up like a school teacher, break out my whip, and just cut loose. It’s a great way to release stress after a long day of classes, you know?” The Society has announced that it will continue meeting at normal times, despite the several allegations of inappropriate behavior at meetings. However, Rosenberg has stated that there will be fewer free condoms brought to every fight to help reign in the public’s misinterpretation of the club.
Counter-Point
“I Definitely Have A Bigger Dick Than My Roommate”
“I’m really excited to get to know my roommate.”
By Brent Iginla
By Michael Anthony
Confident Roommate
Well-Adjusted Human Being
So my random roommate told me he wants to be a WUSA next year and he’s also a vegetarian, so even though I’ve only known him for about four days now, I definitely have a bigger dick than him. On the first night, he went to bed at 1:30 and I was ready to stay up until 2. I’ve been checking his underwear drawer and he’s a medium while I’m a large. He also uses Internet Explorer,
which is notoriously inconvenient for watching porn, meaning he definitely doesn’t jack off, meaning I do it more than him, meaning I get more pussy than him, meaning I have a bigger dick. I can’t wait till I can take a good look at the damn thing and I know for sure how much bigger I am.
I’m really looking forward to getting to know Brent better. I always heard that your roommates in college typically go on to be your best friend so I can’t wait to hang out with him more. I hope he likes riding bikes as much as I do, it would be great to have a riding partner. Also, I noticed he has a poster of an attractive girl above his bed, so hopefully that means he’s cool. The only
thing I’m a little worried about is how he keeps pulling back the curtain every time I’m in the shower, last time he almost saw my 14 inch uncircumcised cock. I hope it will be a great year!
VOLUME 12, ISSUE 1
AUGUST 24, 2015
WUnderground Reviews The Fantastic Four
Top 10...
By Jim “The Trendsetter” Benson
started. I uttered a couple pleasantries and let her know that it was, in fact, 6:40, but it got me thinking. Can anyone truly have the time? What makes some of it yours, and some of it mine, when it’s all counting down for each of us? And suddenly, one second I was in line, the next I was back in my old house in Philly, laying in bed next to my exwife, smoking a cigarette and watching reruns
If you had told me that fateful Thursday morning what was in store for me later that night, I would slapped you so hard you would’ve seen stars. Sure I’d seen the trailers, who hadn’t? They played them before every gatdamn movie in the line up all summer. Everyone knew it was coming, but were any of us truly ready? That’s what I thought to myself as I poured my cornflakes this morning. It wasn’t about the movie, it was about the experience, for what matters more, the two hours you’re inside the theater or the eighty years you’re outside of it? Waking up, I thought I knew the answer, but now I’m not so sure. So I scribbled all of this down in my notebook as I waited to pick up my popcorn when the lady in front of me turned to ask the time. She was going to see Antman, and was worried it had already
of Two and a Half Men on TV wondering how it all ends, when it all began, and what is there to do in the mean time. For what are we, if not sidereal flecs of feces smeared on the bathroom wall of eternity, right above a drawing of a phallus and a keyetched Kilroy?
Top 10 Things that Changed at Wash U Over the Summer
10. 9. 8. S W E I V E 7. R 6. 5.
W
UND O R ERG UND
Unpaid Intern Continued
logo to bounce houses and the occasional event with a piñata. When a reporter asked Thomas whether it bothered him that these benefits were reminiscent of what one might get at a child’s birthday party, he countered that children’s parties usually
bedroom apartment, which he shares with six other interns and an immigrant family. Another intern explained that the benefits of working for Westman Porter & Associates range from goody bags full of memorabilia with the firm’s
don’t have free craft beer. Thomas’ parents were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy working triple shifts at their own jobs so they could help their son pay his rent.
Sophomore Transfer Continued Vice Dean of Admissions, Carol Sharpe, believes he is a naturally bright student who got off on the wrong foot. “I wish we could have admitted a bright and handsome student like Blake out of
high school,” praised Sharpe. “His Arizona State professors surprisingly had little to say about him though. I hope nothing was wrong, maybe he had an affair with one of them. That would be scandalous! We
definitely didn’t have sex either when he came in for his interview. I also definitely didn’t give him my number afterwards. And I’m positive I don’t Snapchat him before I go to bed.”
4. 3. 2. 1.
All the plants on campus replaced with identical but much more expensive plants More randomly placed landmines All incoming freshmen now gluten free New mentoring program for inner city kids to teach freshmen street smarts Wustl 2.0 now works a stunning 36% of the time Your “GO WUSTL” (Office 365) username (what you use when connecting to WUSTL email on mobile devices or email clients) has changed. Your Office 365 username will be changed to remove/change the “@go” portion, but your WUSTL Key will be unchanged. All email sent to your @go.wustl.edu email address will continue to be delivered after the change, and if you’re using your@go.wustl.edu as a login anywhere else that pathway will also continue to work.
Classes now start 20 minutes after the hour, trust us on this one Your ex got way hotter Wheely backpacks are cool now New set of wrong diagnoses at SHS including polio, copper poisoning, and ectopic pregnancy
What Do You Think? A trolley is being built on the Delmar Loop. WDYT?
Muriel Emerson
Stephanie Michaelson
George Washington
Literally no one
Dumpster Stanley
Octogenarian
Freshman
18th Century Millennial
Not Pictured
hobo with a guitar:
“This will make it much easier to go see Satan’s Bleeding Clitoris play their hit album Necrotic Phallus at the Pageant”
“That’s cool, but my mom said I should just take an Uber.”
“I’m just going to share the Uber with Stephanie.”
“Wow, I’m always looking for a way to get from Sunshine Daydream to the History Museum!”
“This is great, now I can take my act on the road!”