Caution: Flammable! May 5th, 2011
Volume 7, Issue 6
Priceless
GOD TAKES NAP
Last Wednesday was just an ordinary Wednesday—until it quickly became an extraordinary Wednesday. And no, we are not referring to Evan Rothburger finally losing his virginity, although all things considered, that is truly an extraordinary feat. At approximately 4:13PM, crime rates across the entire universe skyrocketed for no apparent reason. Religious piety plummeted, charitable actions ceased, the Ten Commandments may as well have been the Ten Suggestions, and Pope Benedict XVI went to the bathroom without washing his hands. Why the calamity? God decided to take a ten minute nap. “Jesus H. Christ!” the almighty Creator of the universe said upon waking up from his well-deserved 600 seconds of slumber. “I take a ten-minute
nap, and this is how you people behave? I literally haven’t slept in 6,000 years, mind you. But apparently I can never sleep again because apparently no one is trustworthy enough to handle ten minutes without supervision. So much for the honor system.” The widespread destruction was rampant. Mankind really knows how to fuck shit up. Injurious crimes ranged everywhere from ant squishing to violent castration, both of which are considered equally catastrophic under the eyes of God, which were inconveniently closed during these offenses. Amy Weisblatt, a WashU junior, didn’t understand what came over her when she suddenly ripped off her promise ring and engaged in wild premarital sex on a table in Whispers. The dude had just ordered an iced-turtle-latte-with-soy-
milk, extra whip, before her in line, which really turned her on. “He smelled really janky and had untrimmed fingernails, but it was totally worth it. It didn’t last very long so I honestly don’t think God even noticed,” Amy said. Well, He knows now that you said that, dumbass. God’s displeasure was emphasized by a series of lightning bolts and tornadoes throughout the St. Louis area, both due to the sin of premarital intercourse and the fact that Amy can do way better. “You know, just because I didn’t see what happened during those ten minutes doesn’t make it right,” said an exasperated God with the air of a parent lecturing an unruly child. “And I can’t believe Evan got laid.” At press time, sin was back down to its pre-nap level of zero.
Senior’s Cap and Gown Purchase Goes Horribly Wrong page 18
Flower Diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder page 0101
“Alliteration Awesome” Asserts Annoying Alliteration Advocate page 11b
Karma Finally Gets Its Act Together
DELICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS: NOW MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE An exhaustive study by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) concluded yesterday that upon finding that strawberries may contain pesticides and that broccoli is icky, the food categories of delicious and nutritious no longer have any overlap. The disappointing news will now forever force humans to choose between their health and their happiness in their food consumption. “The findings of our study are grim but overwhelming,” said FDA commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg. “If you’re eating a meal and are thinking to yourself, ‘hey, this is pretty good,’ it is now a statistical certainty that
you are in fact slowly killing yourself.” The news came as a blow to nearly every human being on Earth, all of whom must now seriously reevaluate their eating habits. The only group unaffected by the announcement seems to be the world’s fatasses, who reportedly shrugged upon hearing the finding and continued pouring maple syrup over their fried ice cream. While many chefs have come out in protest of the study and are claiming that their creations do indeed fall in the elusive overlap category, the FDA has held firm. “Keep your disgusting or fattening food to yourself,”
Hamburg said in response. “No, I won’t just try it.” The study noted importantly that it was still possible, if not highly probable, for food to be neither delicious nor nutritious, and that avoiding these foods is the absolute best we can do. Examples of these kinds of foods can be found at one’s local Denny’s, the study stated. The final six pages of the study offer a sincere apology for being such a buzzkill, reminding the public not to kill the messenger. Ending on a positive note, it concluded that at least the finding would “show those smug fucks over at the Food Network.” God, who is ultimately respon-
A meeting of WUnderground, WashU’s premier [only] satirical newspaper, was cut short last Friday when an alluring smell wafted into the room, thoroughly distracting all of Wunderground’s staff from the task at hand. The smell, which was described by various staffers as “whoa,” “what’s that smell?” and “fuck I’m hungry...”, was discovered by the talented writers at
approximately 4:23PM Central Time, abruptly halting the lively discourse of the meeting. A seven minute silence ensued, broken only by the occasional stammer, grunt, or fart. “I think it was cookies,” WUnderground writer Corie Miller said once the staff had been snapped out of its reverie approximately an hour later, at which point Miller was unaware how
she had returned to her room. “But it might’ve been cake.” Three writers are still missing and presumed hungry. When asked who should be held accountable for the suspect work ethic of the staff, Miller took the defensive. “A lot of us hadn’t eaten in nearly an hour! I mean we’re only human. Besides, who the hell bakes enticing culinary treats in May anyway? No,
page 420
Career Center Helps Student Almost Get Job page 4.5
Weather Reassures St. Louis That Cold, Wet Spring Will Be Compensated For By Unbearably Hot, Dry Summer page 7
sible for this cruel state of reality was, as usual, not available for comment.
ALLURING SMELL DISPERSES WUNDERGROUND MEETING HALF HOUR EARLY
I think it’s safe to say that the blame here lies squarely on the shoulders of this mystery chef and his/her anti-satire agenda.” WUnderground plans to spend its next meeting determining exactly which baked good it was. The smell marked the most intrusive interruption to a WUnderground meeting since last meeting, during which discussion was halted when the staff watched an insect fly around the room until it died of old age.