GOD TAKES NAP
Last Wednesday was just an ordinary Wednesday—until it quickly became an extraordinary Wednesday. And no, we are not referring to Evan Rothburger finally losing his virginity, although all things considered, that is truly an extraordinary feat.
At approximately 4:13PM, crime rates across the entire universe skyrocketed for no apparent reason. Religious piety plummeted, charitable actions ceased, the Ten Commandments may as well have been the Ten Suggestions, and Pope Benedict XVI went to the bathroom without washing his hands.
Why the calamity? God decided to take a ten minute nap.
“Jesus H. Christ!” the almighty Creator of the universe said upon waking up from his well-deserved 600 seconds of slumber. “I take a ten-minute
nap, and this is how you people behave? I literally haven’t slept in 6,000 years, mind you. But apparently I can never sleep again because apparently no one is trustworthy enough to handle ten minutes without supervision. So much for the honor system.”
The widespread destruction was rampant. Mankind really knows how to fuck shit up. Injurious crimes ranged everywhere from ant squishing to violent castration, both of which are considered equally catastrophic under the eyes of God, which were inconveniently closed during these offenses.
Amy Weisblatt, a WashU junior, didn’t understand what came over her when she suddenly ripped off her promise ring and engaged in wild premarital sex on a table in Whispers. The dude had just ordered an iced-turtle-latte-with-soy-
milk, extra whip, before her in line, which really turned her on.
“He smelled really janky and had untrimmed fingernails, but it was totally worth it. It didn’t last very long so I honestly don’t think God even noticed,” Amy said.
Well, He knows now that you said that, dumbass. God’s displeasure was emphasized by a series of lightning bolts and tornadoes throughout the St. Louis area, both due to the sin of premarital intercourse and the fact that Amy can do way better.
“You know, just because I didn’t see what happened during those ten minutes doesn’t make it right,” said an exasperated God with the air of a parent lecturing an unruly child. “And I can’t believe Evan got laid.”
At press time, sin was back down to its pre-nap level of zero.
DELICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS: NOW MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
An exhaustive study by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) concluded yesterday that upon finding that strawberries may contain pesticides and that broccoli is icky, the food categories of delicious and nutritious no longer have any overlap. The disappointing news will now forever force humans to choose between their health and their happiness in their food consumption.
“The findings of our study are grim but overwhelming,” said FDA commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg. “If you’re eating a meal and are thinking to yourself, ‘hey, this is pretty good,’ it is now a statistical certainty that
you are in fact slowly killing yourself.”
The news came as a blow to nearly every human being on Earth, all of whom must now seriously reevaluate their eating habits. The only group unaffected by the announcement seems to be the world’s fatasses, who reportedly shrugged upon hearing the finding and continued pouring maple syrup over their fried ice cream. While many chefs have come out in protest of the study and are claiming that their creations do indeed fall in the elusive overlap category, the FDA has held firm.
“Keep your disgusting or fattening food to yourself,”
Hamburg said in response. “No, I won’t just try it.”
The study noted importantly that it was still possible, if not highly probable, for food to be neither delicious nor nutritious, and that avoiding these foods is the absolute best we can do. Examples of these kinds of foods can be found at one’s local Denny’s, the study stated. The final six pages of the study offer a sincere apology for being such a buzzkill, reminding the public not to kill the messenger. Ending on a positive note, it concluded that at least the finding would “show those smug fucks over at the Food Network.”
God, who is ultimately respon-
ALLURING SMELL DISPERSES
Flower Diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder
“Alliteration Awesome” Asserts Annoying Alliteration Advocate
page 11b
sible for this cruel state of reality was, as usual, not available for comment.
WUNDERGROUND MEETING HALF HOUR EARLY
A meeting of WUnderground, WashU’s premier [only] satirical newspaper, was cut short last Friday when an alluring smell wafted into the room, thoroughly distracting all of Wunderground’s staff from the task at hand. The smell, which was described by various staffers as “whoa,” “what’s that smell?” and “fuck I’m hungry...”, was discovered by the talented writers at
approximately 4:23PM Central Time, abruptly halting the lively discourse of the meeting. A seven minute silence ensued, broken only by the occasional stammer, grunt, or fart.
“I think it was cookies,”
WUnderground writer Corie Miller said once the staff had been snapped out of its reverie approximately an hour later, at which point Miller was unaware how
she had returned to her room. “But it might’ve been cake.”
Three writers are still missing and presumed hungry.
When asked who should be held accountable for the suspect work ethic of the staff, Miller took the defensive. “A lot of us hadn’t eaten in nearly an hour! I mean we’re only human. Besides, who the hell bakes enticing culinary treats in May anyway? No,
I think it’s safe to say that the blame here lies squarely on the shoulders of this mystery chef and his/her anti-satire agenda.”
WUnderground plans to spend its next meeting determining exactly which baked good it was.
The smell marked the most intrusive interruption to a WUnderground meeting since last meeting, during which discussion was halted when the staff watched an insect fly around the room until it died of old age.
SENIOR BEATS SYSTEM; GRADUATES WITHOUT LEARNING ANYTHING
When students begin their freshman year at Washington University, they usually resign themselves to the unfortunate reality that college life will involve anywhere from some to a lot of learning. Be it through diligent classroom note-taking or osmosis from being around so many intelligent people and participating in so many fulfilling activities, life at WashU seems to necessarily involve knowledge acquisition. But not for senior Lionel Huntington.
This May, Huntington will make WashU history as the first student to successfully graduate from the university without having learned a single thing during his time here. Though Huntington admits that on several occasions he came very close
to picking up a tidbit or two, he was able to stay strong each time.
“I’ve actually gotten dumber in my time here,” he boasted. “It just goes to show you what a little dedication can get you.”
The campus hero has inspired dozens of students to follow in his footsteps, with underclassmen across campus claiming that they too have not yet learned anything and will attempt to emulate Huntington’s example. Huntington supports their efforts, but doubts any will be able to match his incredible feat.
“A lot of people think they haven’t learned anything, but they really have. There’s a reason I’m the first person to have pull it off. I mean you really have to be a stubborn,
ignorant fuck.”
The prospect of making such history first occurred to Huntington at the end of the fall semester of his sophomore year. Having once again scraped by with a passing grade in all of his classes, the Boston native realized that he couldn’t think of a single thing he had learned in three semesters. Stunned by his own brilliance, Huntington reasoned through inductive logic that he already innately had that if he’d made it this far, he could do it throughout his whole college experience.
Upon receiving a C- on his last final on Wednesday, Huntington’s half-assed dream was complete, and a university hero was born. After receiving the passing grade,
WHAT DOES YOUR PIECE SAY ABOUT YOU?
BUBBLER
You like the feeling of a soft, yet supple penis on your lips. When you suck on that piece, you get that sticky-water surprise in your mouth, but you just love that don’t you?
BROWNIES/ EDIBLES
You are a brilliant analytical thinker. You maximize efficiency by simultaneously getting high while curing your munchies. As they say: you’re killing two stoned birds.
VAPORIZER
Ooooh, look at you! You have a vaporizer! You must think you’re hot shit, huh? You’re just too cool to smoke any other way, huh? You piece of shit. (Can I come over and try it sometime?)
Huntington chugged a bottle of champagne and passed out on his couch, having never learned to party properly.
“Damn he’s dumb,” said roommate Tyler Welting upon observing the passed out man who will soon be walking the stage in a cap and gown. “But then again I’m taking a fifth year so who’s the real idiot?”
is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the Birther Movement. The news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff:
Zack Pinsky Editor in Chief
Jenna Stempel Chief of Adobe InDesign
David Drucker Webmaster
Aleya Broadway
Bobby Harvey Ghost of Chiefs Past
Staff
David Drucker
JOINT BOWL
You smoke out of a bowl because it’s the cheapest option next to the joint you don’t know how to roll. Go listen to that one track of John Butler Trio you love so much and tell your friends how you got just “soooo high” after your Micro exam. Enjoy your life of mediocrity.
You’re pretty casual about smoking. You smoke to be social and enjoy yourself in the company of others. Nothing makes you happier than getting high and repeating the Pro-Legalization statistics you find on the Internet. Also, you might think you roll the best joint, but even if that’s true, stop saying it. Nobody appreciates it.
NEW STUDY FINDS PEOPLE DON’T READ VERY FAR INTO ARTICLES
A new study conducted by the Washington University psychology department last month revealed the surprising degree of impatience the modern generation seems to have with reading articles, perhaps explaining the declining trend of the print newspaper over the last few decades. The study found that participants only read an average of three paragraphs, or 24% of articles’ full content, and this was among articles that participants
found interesting in the first place. The results were particularly strong among college students, who seem to have a particularly short attention span when it comes to reading.
“The millennium generation has grown up on video games and reality television,” researcher Allen James explained. “They’ve essentially been programed in their entertainment with rapidly changing stimuli that leave them incapable of focusing on any one topic for very
long at all.”
James says the implications for the study are enormous. He says that journalists, scientists, educators, and anyone else with a message should present their information in smaller doses, especially to the younger generation.
Ugh, I’m tired. That’s probably enough, right? I wrote three paragraphs. That’s pretty good. Although the last paragraph was only two continued on page 3
President of Humor Operations
Jeff Leibovich
Head Joke Consultant
Andrew Luskin
Chairman of Comedy Writing
Whitney Mann
Corie Miller
Duchess of Levity and Drollery Chief Funniness Advisor
Aaron Senser
Carol Stoll
Senior Undersecretary of Satire Director of Laugh Inducing
We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spellczech or flaunt it, girl, email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group! wunderground.wustl.edu
Dear WUnderground,
My roommate has really been pissing me off recently. She’s always playing her loud music when I’m trying to study and it’s super distracting! I’d really rather not have to go all the way to the library any time I want to get work done but she won’t listen to reason! What should I do?
~ Needs to Work
Dear Needs to Work, Your roommate sounds like a real bitch. You need to lay down the law in your room. Go up to her and forcefully tell her that you two share a room and she needs to let you work when you have work you need to get done. If she doesn’t listen, let WUnderground know and we’ll sort her out for you.
Dear WUnderground, My economics professor and I have had a sexual relationship for the last several months. It started off when I would go for office hours and eventually progressed to in-home tutoring at his house. I feel very uncomfortable and I don’t know
who to talk to about my situation. I mean, how can I tell him I feel that my grades aren’t high enough for how much I put out? Please help.
~ A for an A
Dear A for an A,
We feel that you might be overlooking the fact that this is a serious sexual transgression that might be extended to students beyond yourself. You need to immediately report this to appropriate authorities. For all you know, this professor might be taking sexual advantage of other students without giving them commensurate grades.
With that said, proper recourse is the principle by which our capitalist society differentiates itself among a world full of socialist nazis. This economics professor should know this, and because he is in fact, a professor at a high caliber university such as Washington University, perhaps your actions aren’t quite as pleasurable as you might think. Ultimately, we suggest using your pinky more and that should get you that A.
Yay, classes are over! And not a minute too soon, either. I am so sick of getting up early and sleepwalking over to a building way across campus to listen to some boring lecture for an hour and a half. Now I’ll have so much free time and I can sleep in! It’s gonna be great. Yea, I’ll have to study for my exams
WOOHOO! CLASSES ARE OVER!
By Jason Emmanuel; Sophomore Biology Major
but those shouldn’t be that bad. Frankly, any life without my boring old professors in it every day is fine by me. They just go on and on about some stupid subject that they spend their whole lives studying and no one else gives two shits about. I love college and everything but classes just really suck. So glad they’re over!
continued from page 2
sentences. And the one before that was just a quote so I didn’t really have to do anything. Whatever no one’s gonna read this anyway. Stupid editor making me write so much. He’s such a douche. I’m pretty sure that no one on the staff likes him. And seriously what a boring topic to write about too! I don’t wanna have to talk about studies and science and stuff. I’d much rather talk about my political viewpoints. Am I the only one who thinks that minorities have too much power these days? And what’s the deal with immigrants? Am I right? See these are topics I’d like to write about. But my editor says that wouldn’t be “politically correct,” whatever that means.
So I think that the Nazis weren’t all that bad. Suddenly that makes me a “racist.” Isn’t that ridiculous? I have like seven articles I’ve written on Hitler but my editor won’t let me publish any of them. So frustrating. I mean it’s not like I think whites are superior to other races. I just don’t like any other races. And yes, I think they’re worse on average. But that doesn’t make me racist. And even if it does, it doesn’t make me a bad person. And even if it does, I still have my looks. So whatever. Haters gonna hate, am I right? I’m referring here to people hating me because I’m racist, not me hating other races, even though I do.
Okay, well that’s probably long enough to satisfy my editor. I hope he doesn’t mind me insulting him various times. No, it’ll be fine. He probably won’t read that far anyway.
DEAR WUNDERGROUND,
Dear WUnderground,
My roommate has really been pissing me off recently. She literally studies all the time. I’ll be chilling in the room trying to relax to some music with headphones on, and she yells at me saying she can hear my music and it’s too distracting! I’d really rather not have to go all the way to the common room any time I want to relax but she just will not hear me out! What should I do?
~ Just Wants to Relax
Dear Just Wants to Relax, Your roommate sounds like a real bitch. You need to lay down the law in your room. Go up to her and forcefully tell her that you two share a room and she needs to let you relax and listen to music when you want to unwind. If she doesn’t listen, let WUnderground know and we’ll sort her out for you.
Dear WUnderground,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and it seemed like things were going great between us. We have this amazing bond and she’s the best thing in my life. Last week though, I walk into my room and see she’s hooking up with my roommate! I have done nothing but love this girl with all my heart these past 13 months and I am absolutely devastated that she would betray me like this. As if the horrible feelings of betrayal and anger weren’t enough, I now feel this awful sensation of guilt and uncertainty as well, as I wonder if maybe I was doing something all this time to hurt her and if she was really happy with me during our relationship. I love this girl with all my heart. How do I mediate these feelings of love and hate with her right now? What should I do?
~ Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love, Geez, that really sucks.
Yay, classes are over! No more idiot students staring blankly at me while I explain the simplest of concepts. I swear, some days I don’t even know why I even bother preparing lectures. I could be doing cutting edge research with some of the best minds in the field but instead I’m talking about these boring intro -
By Dr. John Van Kirksburg, biology professor
ductory principles that most of these kids are never going to use anyway. So lame. It’s going to be so nice now that I can just do whatever I want. Fuck class!
Letters to the Editor
I’ve never written a letter to the editor before. What should I say?
~ Arthur Cransby, Freshman
What is the name of the ten-step pathway by which glucose is mainly metabolized? Hurry up, I need to know in the next 17 minutes.
~ Greg Whittings, Sophomore
Jeff, answer your fucking phone. It’s been nine months, you should really meet our son.
~ Brittany Wesfield, Junior
ANXIETIES FOR GRADUATING SENIORS
The other day I saw this leaf falling out of a tree, and I ran and tried to catch it but it was too twirly and I couldn’t do it. Just thought you oughtta know.
~ Claire Mallsberg, Junior
Why do you print the date on your issues? I already know what the date is! Please revise for next time.
~ Steven Supker, Freshman
I found several of the articles in your last issue very offensive and I was angered that you would choose to print such filth. So my question is, why do I suck so much?
~ Naomi Warlow, Junior
I have this hilarious idea for an article. Y’know how WashU students are always like taking classes and they have to study for them and stuff? Well what if a student was like studying for a big test but it was really hard and they didn’t do that well or something but like the professor curved it maybe? I dunno you should write something funny about that.
~ Marcus Sutoff, Senior
I’m talking to this girl and I need something funny to say! What should I –dammit she left. Thanks a lot, asshole!
~ Brian Morganson, Sophomore
REMINDER: MAY 9TH IS MAY 9TH AWARENESS DAY
WUnderground would like to remind all WashU students that May 9th is May 9th Awareness Day, the official day of thinking about, remembering, and being aware of the ninth day of May. May 8-14th is the official May 9th awareness week, the crowning week of May, May 9th Awareness Month. It’s an unfortunate fact that for the vast majority of the year, people simply aren’t aware of May 9th. Perhaps they’ve heard of it or know it exists, but it’s never really on their minds. May 9th Awareness Day aims to correct this distressing trend.
Each year, 156,000 people die on May 9th, and countless more get herpes. If you or someone you know dies or gets herpes this May 9th, be aware of it. People all around the world will commemorate this May 9th Awareness Day by writing 5/9/11 on their papers and diaries, as this is the official date of May 9th Awareness Day.
Keep a lookout later this month for May 23rd, which is May 19th awareness day.
10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
Running out of meal points in the real world.
That whole “alcoholism” thing people are talking about.
Will new boss take attendance?
Parents running out of money.
Not a rock star yet.
Lack of RA to teach life skills and resolve roommate conflicts
Weed guy moving to different city.
Girlfriend moving to same city.
Sharp decline in strangers offering free food.
Wait... should I start applying to jobs now?
Raffner;
“Oh boy! Swimsuit season!”
“I just got an internship with WUnderground! So excited! This will be a great addition to my resume!”
Super-intelligent, sexually frustrated, teenage leaf
“I’m trying to branch out and meet some new lady leaves this summer.”
“Time to compensate for my sub-par social life in high school by facebook friending 1,500 people!”
“Stupid
me
Jonathan Bradford; Incoming Freshman, Virgin
Claire
Naive Freshman
Chencellor Wrighton; University head, suit expert
George Washington; First U.S. President, Slaveowner
slut beat
out for that WUnderground internship”