Issue 7.5

Student Lies Volume 7, Issue 5

carcinogenic!

April Fools Day, 2011

Everything Going Great, University Reports As the calendar rolls over to April, sources around the university community are reporting that things are just swell right now, and they have no problems to report whatsoever. The news coincides with a recent announcement from the administration that tuition will be cut 35% next year and that the school has risen to number one on U.S. News and World 5HSRUW·V UDQNLQJ RI $PHULFDQ universities.

“I feel phenomenal right QRZ µ VDLG -XQLRU 5LFKDUG Flowers, who is acing all six of his classes while averaging eight hours of sleep a night, just OLNH DOO RI KLV SHHUV ´'HÀQLWHO\ not experiencing any problems, that’s for sure.”

Flowers’ sentiment was echoed by the other 11,833 fulltime students at WashU, as well as by every single part-time student, faculty member, and alumni, in addition to people living in the surrounding areas and relatives and friends of university community members. The general feeling around campus is that although students recall a time in the recent past when things weren’t going perfectly, whatever those problems were just don’t seem to apply anymore.

No longer

“Well the administration announced yesterday that they weren’t gonna keep being such insufferable, overbearing meddlers, so that was good,” said sophomore Anna Sommers in reference to the repealed smoking ban, cancelled room reservation fees, and abandoned bike rerouting plan that had previously caused undue distress to members of the university community. “And my suitemates and I stopped squabbling over petty disagreements and learned how to cherish one another’s company and develop PHDQLQJIXO IXOÀOOLQJ UHODWLRQships, so that’s good too.”

Added Sommers: “The legalization of weed on campus is pretty cool too, I guess.”

With dropouts and transfers down to zero percent and one hundred percent of graduating seniors receiving lucrative full-time job offers despite a languishing overall economy, it looks like the good times are here to stay.

“Good old contentness,” said Flowers happily before sighing the sigh of a man so WKRURXJKO\ VDWLVÀHG ZLWK OLIH that nothing could irk him. “I’m gonna go get laid again.”

A happy April Fool’s Day from all of us at WUnderground!

4 Dignity Points

Girl Watches Scary Movie, Becomes Scared page 18

April Fool’s Issue of StudLife Slightly Funnier Than Average issue of StudLife page 0101

Pulp Fiction Poster Showcases Freshman’s Unique Personality page 11b

WUnderground Underfunded; Ink in Short Supply page 420

Student Shocked Others Don’t Care About His Political Opinions page 4.5

Online Douchebag Working Up Courage to be a Douchebag in Person page 7

“The Record” Article Shockingly Irrelevant to Student An automated email from 7KH 5HFRUG WR VRSKRPRUH Justin McCully at 2:13 AM last Wednesday was almost unfathomably irrelevant to the 19-year-old’s life, according to sources familiar with McCully.

The email, which pertained to D UHFHQW KHDGOLQH LQ 7KH 5HFRUG DERXW UHVHDUFKHUV ÀQGLQJ RXW the temperature of the Earth hundreds of millions of years ago, contained information that in no way affected, had affected, or possibly could affect McCully’s life in any way whatsoever.

Frankly, he just didn’t give a shit.

“Umm...wow. I guess I’m a little confused?”saidMcCully. “That would be the word I would use to describe how I’m feeling right now. Geez...I mean the idea that someone was typing up this article and thought to themselves ‘Hey, I’ll bet Justin would love to read about this!’ is just mind-boggling. It’s almost like

they’re completely out of touch with the interests of my demographic.”

The incident was not the ÀUVW WLPH D 5HFRUG KHDGOLQH email proved to be of absolutely no consequence to McCully’s life, but the shock hasn’t dulled. )LJXULQJ WKH ÀUVW HLJKW\ RU VR he’d received must have been ÁXNHV KH·G VKUXJJHG WKHP DOO off as a mere statistical anomaly.

Now however, McCully has come to the conclusion that the esteemed publication is perhaps not taking his interests to heart in their decisions.

“I mean I don’t even care about the temperature yesterday,” McCully continued.

“I care about the weather today, tomorrow, and maybe even this weekend if I’m planning one of my famous picnics.

But the temperature hundreds of millions of years ago?! It’s almost like a team of a hundred writers spent months brain-

storming the topic that would pertain to my life the least. And they found a doozy, alright.”

7KH 5HFRUG ZDV QRW DYDLOable for comment on their choice of articles. In fact, no one is really sure who writes for it or where it comes from. Experts say that while the publishing and author info might lie somewhere in the paper itself, that would involve actually reading it, so nobody has found it yet.

“Not to belabor this point,” McCully said again after a moment of contemplation, apparently unable to keep his state of shock to himself. “But these alleged temperatures they’re reporting may very well not even be in St. Louis. This is just the temperature somewhere on Earth. I mean hello!

The only way that could possibly be less relevant is if it were the temperature on

another planet. Oh God, no, please don’t write about that!”

McCully then excused himself and said he was going to read the entire archives of WUnderground to recover.

Volume 7, Issue 5

April 1, 2011

Residential College Olympics Rocked

by Doping Scandal What began as a day of casual, light-hearted competition and funÀOOHG RXWGRRU DFWLYLWLHV HQGHG LQ scandal on Saturday after several PHPEHUV RI WKH :D\PDQ &URZ 5HVLdential College tested positive for anabolic steroids. The “athletes”— to use a generous term—have been stripped of their free T-shirts, and a celebratory pizza party has been postponed while an investigation is under way.

5&2 RIÀFLDO %UHWW )RQWDLQH ZDV DPRQJ WKH ÀUVW WR JURZ VXVSLcious after watching a tug-of-war competition in which several ParkMudd players had their shoulders dislocated. His suspicions were FRQÀUPHG ZKHQ WKUHH %URRNLQJV players suffered kidney damage from dodgeball hits to the stomach.

However, what really tipped off Fontaine to the doping scandal was the abnormally high number of girls participating in the Mustache March, particularly after the month

was over. ´, ZRXOGQ·W EH PXFK RI DQ 5&2 RIÀFLDO LI , GLGQ·W UHFRJQL]H WKH VLJQV of steroid use when I see it,” Fontaine said.

But Fontaine’s discovery was just the tip of the iceberg. Investigators soon uncovered a vein of corruption that ran all the way to the top of the residential college political structure. Tests revealed that the players had been taking injections of gorilla hormones, which investigators traced to Wayman Crow President Samantha Warner. Warner, a biology major, had access to the hormones through the lab where she conducted research.

“Sure, I let everybody take a little gorilla hormone home for personal use,” said Warner’s lab supervisor, Jakob Goldmeier. “What, was I not supposed to do that?”

As the web of lies unraveled, the athletes began to confess.

“Sam called me into her room,”

What reactions are we hoping to elicit in our April Fool’s victims this year?

23%

“Oh, the humanity!”

17%

“Where did all those scorpions come from?”

10%

“Please untie me.”

39%

“Where are my kidneys?”

76%

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

said freshman Seth Morris. “She told me to drop my pants and bend over, and she said that I would feel a little prick. I thought she was just being kinky, but then she stuck me with the needle.

“I swear,” Morris continued, ÀJKWLQJ EDFN WHDUV ´, WKRXJKW LW ZDV just heroin.”

The administration has not yet announced what steps will be taken in response to the situation.

The doping scandal represents the ELJJHVW ÀDVFR DW :DVK8 VLQFH WKH IM kickball team the Hippie Hippos violated recruitment regulations by giving top recruits $25,000 in cash.

In Tragic Coincidence, WashU Fails to Enroll Any Hot Chicks for Class of 2015 Due to a string of highly unfortunate happenstances this past admissions season, Washington University failed to enroll a single attractive female in the class of 2015. The most attractive girl in the new freshman class is Sarah Chamberlain, who you would probably hook up with if you were drunk, but is certainly nothing to write home about. The news has sent students across campus reeling, and marks a sharp decrease from the seven hot girls in this year’s freshman class.

“No hot freshmen next year?” said sophomore Greg Norbeck incredulously upon EHLQJ ÀUVW LQIRUPHG of the news. “That sucks! That means I’ll have to make out with random unattractive girls at frat parties now... I was hoping for a change of pace.”

Straight males and lesbians across campus are echoing Norbeck’s frustration, and many are calling for more oversight into this issue by the admissions committee, who traditionally have not taken attractiveness into account when making their decisions. While thirteen attractive females were accepted into the university this year, none decided

to enroll, a regrettable development that admissions says is out of their hands.

“We can’t control which accepted students decide to come,” said Gerald Burlinsky, a member of the admissions committee at WashU. ´2K P\ JRVK WKLV RQH FKLFN 5DFKHO

Hartsby from Connecticut, was absolutely smokin’ hot but she decided to go to Yale instead. Which is bullshit, because they already have twelve hot chicks. Share the wealth, assholes!”

Psychology professor Lloyd Turkins, who specializes in social

psychology and dating rituals among young adults, has been called upon to offer students ways of coping with the aesthetic shortcomings that will come to characterize campus this fall. Turkins says the best strategy is a three-pronged approach of lowering standards, learning to appreciate girls’ inner beauty, and masturbating.

“Say you’ve been hooking up with a girl of average attractiveness this spring,” Turkins says. “Bite the bullet and ask her out.

Come this fall you’ll be glad you did.”

Turkins also advises getting to know girls’ personalities and seeing if you can’t become attracted to her that way. He points out that some girls are “actually really kinky once you get to know them,” which could compensate for their sub-par looks. Finally, a steady regiment of three whack-offs a day - no exceptions! - should make the whole situation tolerable, and even if it doesn’t, should still make for a good time.

“Trust me on that one,” he said with a sly wink.

The number of attractive males in the incoming freshman class is 746.

is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as 5HEHFFD %ODFN·V VLQJLQJ FDUHHU The news reported by this paper LV FRPSOHWHO\ ÀFWLWLRXV DW OHDVW to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff: Zack Pinsky Editor in Chief Jenna Stempel Chief of Adobe InDesign David Drucker Webmaster Aleya Broadway Bobby Harvey Ghost of Chiefs Past

Staff David Drucker President of Humor Operations Jeff Leibovich Head Joke Consultant Andrew Luskin Chairman of Comedy Writing Corie Miller Chief Funniness Advisor Aaron Senser Senior Undersecretary of Satire Carol Stoll Director of Laugh Inducing Hans Zhou Minister of Levity and Drollery We are always recruiting new chiefs.

If you would like to write, edit, GRRGOH HGLW VSHOOF]HFK RU ÁDXQW LW girl, email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group!

ISSN # 1938-0089

wunderground.wustl.edu

Volume 7, Issue 5

April 1, 2011

University Prepares for April Welcome Students from all over the country are visiting Wash U before deciding where to go to college.

What is the university doing to appeal to these visitors?

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International Student Only Speaks “Ig-­Pay Atin-­Lay” Washington University in St. Louis prides itself on maintaining a culturally diverse student body.

Each year, the admissions department works hard to ensure that the incoming class is both geographically and ethnically diverse, which entails admitting a certain amount of international students. This kind of cosmopolitan student body makes for a rich and engaging undergraduate experience for students and faculty alike.

But this time they’ve gone too far. $UDK 6D\ 2ELQVRQ 5D\ LV DQ international student attending Washington University who speaks one language and one language only. This language is not English.

She hails from an exotic and distant land, “icago-shay,” that is so obscure, it cannot be found on any map.

While some speculate that Obinson5D\ VLPSO\ DSSHDUHG RQ FDPSXV E\

Oh boy, it’s April Fool’s Day! I’m so excited. I’ve been planning my prank this year for a long time and WKH GD\ LV ÀQDOO\ KHUH ,·P JRQQD get my roommate so bad, haha. He won’t know what hit him! (No pun intended, heh-heh). I designed a contraption that is spring loaded and attached to the door, so it sets off when the door opens a certain amount. I also made a cherry pie.

You see where I’m going with this?

I’m gonna beckon my roommate into the room, and when he enters, the pie will spring right into his face! It’s

magic and that it would be unwise to pry lest we anger her, others say she’s from Pittsburgh and is simply too embarrassed to admit it. Either way, her origins are very suspicious.

“Icago-shay is-ay an-ay ery-vay eutiful-bay ace-play oo-tay ow-gray up-ay,” she said.

What? See, this is exactly what we’re talking about. That doesn’t mean anything. When asked for FODULÀFDWLRQ DERXW ZKDW VKH ZDV saying, she kept repeating the phrase “Ig-Pay Atin-Lay”, which seems to be her language. Or at least, that’s our theory. To be honest, we have absolutely no idea as to what the hell she could possibly be meaning to say. Not a clue. Completely stumped.

Even Washington University’s top linguists were puzzled by this peculiar and mystifying case.

“I’ve studied thousands of languages and I haven’t the faintest

idea what she could be speaking,” said Professor Jonathan Hillsborough of the anthropology department. “Obviously her culture has some religious fascination with the letter y, seeing as they feel the need to end every word with it. Seems pretty stupid to me.”

2ELQVRQ 5D\·V URRPPDWH +DQQDK Clark, says it is very frustrating to be unable to communicate with the girl with whom she shares a room.

“It’s infuriating living with her because we can’t talk to one another,” Clark says. “The other day I asked her where my milk went, because I had some left in the fridge.

She said ‘it-ay expired-ay oh-say I-ay ew-thray it-ay out-ay.’ Of course she knows I don’t know that that means.

Auugghhh.”

“Bitch drank my milk,” Clark concluded.

When asked for comment, Obinson-

5D\ H[SODLQHG ´,W D\ HDOO\ UD\ -ouldn’t-shay ebay all-ay at-they ifficult-day oo-tay understand-ay ee-may.”

Well, wow, that obviously was not helpful in the least. Something about Ebay? Did she buy something on Ebay recently? And how is that relevant?

Clearly, for better or for worse, Washington University is a safe haven for even the most internaWLRQDO RI VWXGHQWV 2ELQVRQ 5D\ LV currently in great standing in the College of Arts and Sciences and made the Dean’s list last semester with a 4.0 GPA. This should make everyone who doesn’t have a 4.0 feel really bad about themselves. This should also make everyone with a 4.0 GPA feel inferior since, well, 2ELQVRQ 5D\ GRHVQ·W VSHDN D ZRUG of English.

Shit!

My Roommate Will Never See It Coming!

Augh, Ben Better Not Try That Stupid Prank Again...

By Ben Aspley, BA 2013

By Evan Howitzer, BSBA 2013

gonna be hilarious! I tend to be a pretty easygoing guy, so I’ve lulled him into a false sense of security and his guard will probably be down. He’ll be so surprised when I get him- it’s gonna be great!

Can’t wait for tonight!!!

Dammit, it’s April Fool’s Day again. Has it really been a year already? I just know my idiot roommate is gonna try his stupid pie prank again this year.

It’s pathetic, really. Every year he tries to hit me in the face with a pie on April Fool’s Day. Every year he spends hours and hours planning it out thinking I have no idea what he’s doing, and every year he fails miserably. Three years ago he put a pie on top of a slightly opened door that led to a closet we never used, and it sat there

for three months until it fermented.

Two years ago he asked me to close my eyes and put my face onto an “empty plate.” Last year he tied me to my bed while I slept, but his knots were too weak and he’d forgotten to buy pie crusts. This year he keeps talking about an “infallible contraption” that I assume refers to three rubber bands he’s tied together and attached to the doorknob. And not to nitpick but what he baked last night ZDV GHÀQLWHO\ D FDNH ,·P SUHWW\ VXUH SLHV UHTXLUH VRPH VRUW RI IUXLW ÀOOLQJ What a terrible holiday.

Volume 7, Issue 5

April 1, 2011

Local Article Makes Witty Point About Campus Life A local article printed in WUnderground last month had a humorous yet poignant take on Washington University, much to the pleasure of its student audience. The 347 word composition, which touched upon various aspects of campus life, was able to appeal to the layperson while simultaneously being knowLQJO\ WR WKH LQWULFDFLHV RI VSHFLÀF student groups and activities.

“Yea, that article really got our number,” chuckled junior 5LFK /HYLQVRQ D PHPEHU RI one of the aforementioned student groups. “We’re totally like that, though perhaps not to the humorous extent the article described.”

The article, while fake,

gave voice to many underlying truths that rarely get explicitly mentioned. It also featured LQWHUYLHZV ZLWK ÀFWLRQDO VWXGHQWV regarding the subject in a manner relevant to the point in the article.

“Yea those fake interviews ZHUH SUHWW\ JRRG $W ÀUVW , ZDV like ‘whoa I can’t believe he said that! But then I realized it wasn’t real,” said sophomore Allen Harrison. “After, I enjoyed a hearty guffaw.”

In order to fortify its argument, the article mentioned some pretty crazy statistics, a tactic used in about 562% of WUnderground articles. Nevertheless, the format and voice of the article remained true

to the traditional journalistic style, inspiring comparisons to more serious works. Unlike more serious works, however, language pertaining to bowel movements and sexual intercourse appeared with considerable frequency.

The article, which concluded on a prospective and upbeat note, caused hopeful speculation among readers of more articles like it to come, perhaps concerning current events, campus life, or personal relations.

Although humorous throughout, it closed on a particularly strong joke, leaving the reader feeling good upon the article’s conclusion.

Testicles.

WUnderground Ombudsman: We Need More Articles About Monkey Poop I’ve been ombudsman of WUnderground for going on eight years now, and in answer to what you’re probably thinking, yes, I still live with my parents.

5HFHQWO\ ,·YH QRWLFHG D VWDUWOLQJ trend in WUnderground, which I must address as the paper’s ombudsman: where are all the monkey poop articles?

This is neither an isolated incident nor a freak dry spell.

Aside from “Monkey Eats Own Poop” (November 2004), “Look, That Monkey Just Pooped!”

(March 2007), and “Monkey Eats Own Poop Part II” (May WKHUH KDYH EHHQ =(52 monkey poop articles printed in WUnderground’s history, and only seven articles about primate feces in general. During that same period, Student Life DQG 7KH 5HFRUG DYHUDJHG

and 19.4 monkey poop references respectively per issue.

What the hell?!

I think it’s time for the staff of this paper to do some serious soul-searching and remember why they got into journalism LQ WKH ÀUVW SODFH ,I LW ZDV IRU any reason other than writing monkey poop articles, perhaps the paper would be better off without them. Keep in mind that writing for this paper comes with responsibilities. Frankly, I think some of our columnists are just in it for the massive sex appeal it gives them. And of course the 15% discount on WUnderground subscriptions.

But these are privileges, not rights!

If that doesn’t stir some motivation in you, perhaps this will: The other day while

eating lunch in the DUC, I overheard a student mention that the average fecal output for the Peruvian spider monkey is 18.62 kg per year. It’s 18.91!!! Do you see the ignorance you’re letting stand? And before you go on to say that surely this student was an aberration, his friend didn’t even bother to correct him!

Now, this isn’t to say that the friend didn’t know the truth, but the fact that this kind of a statement was condoned should be a startling wake-up call for the task at hand.

Washington University needs us, writers. In this economic climate more than any other, monkey poop articles should be in abundance, not scarcity.

Let’s usher in a new era of journalistic excellence starting next issue. Staff trip to Taco Bell next

April Fool’s Day Pranks 11. Putting in the 11th Top 10 and hoping the editor doesn’t notice 10. Switching spoons and forks at Bear’s Den 9. Calling mom and telling her you died 8. Establishing intimate relationship ZLWK ORVHU RQ ÁRRU 7. Spreading your STD around a few times 6. Traveling back to 2008 and giving a homeless person 1000 shares of GM stock 5. Putting recyclable paper in the trash can. That’ll show those penguins!

4. The old Greasy Chihuahua prank 3. Taking 3 pigs, numbering them 1, 2, and 4, and slaughtering them in your Kosher friend’s bed 2. Putting a bucket of water on an open door, and then when your roommate enters, punching him in the balls 1. Invading a small country

meeting, my treat, and I’ll bring Bobo along too.

Bring notepads. We’ve got some writing to do!

Team 31 announced that Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes will be headlining Spring WILD this year. What do you think?

Andromeda Pi: KLSVWHU conformity-hater

Terrence McNamara: 6HQLRU XQLYHUVLW\ HYHU\PDQ

Edward Sharpe: )LFWLRQDO IURQWPDQ XQELDVHG respondent

George Washington: ÀUVW 8 6 3UHVLGHQW 'HQ]HO Washington’s ancestor

Alcohol: %HHU LQJUHGLHQW VH[ IDFLOLWDWRU

“Dammit, now I can’t like them anymore!”

“Oh boy, a new band at WILD to not remember!”

“Awesome!”

“What? They couldn’t get Mozart?”

“This is my time to shine!”