Now Edible! Volume 7, Issue 4
March 9, 2010
Free or Best Offer
University Collectively Forgets How to Spell “Mallincrot” In a startling revelation to the WashU community yesterday morning, embarrassed students, faculty members, and alumni realized that not one amongst them knows how to spell “Mahlincrot” (Malinkrot?), the name of the building east of the DUC that is currently home to the bookstore, Gargoyle, and Subway among other things. Attempts to rectify the situation by calling the family in question regarding the spelling of their name failed when no one FRXOG ÀQG WKH FRUUHFW VSHOOLQJ in the phonebook. “I feel pretty silly right now,” admitted sophomore Brenda Hillard, an English major. “I’m usually a pretty good speller but I honestly have no idea on this one. I think there’s an r in there somewhere? Don’t quote me on that.” Other students took the offensive on the issue. “It’s their own damn fault for having a name with so many letters,” said junior Harris Turner. “Particularly L’s. I hate L’s. That is, assuming there are L’s in the name, which there may not be.” University leaders are VFUDPEOLQJ WR ÀQG D VROXWLRQ WR WKH SUREOHP E\ ULÁLQJ WKURXJK various papers, emails, plaques, DQG VLJQV KRSLQJ WR ÀQG VRPH
instance of the correct spelling somewhere but have thus far had no success. Apparently, community members have been purposefully avoiding the name for years now, making this problem something of an inevitability. “I always just text my friends to meet me at Subway when I’m in [building in question]” Chancellor Wrighton said when asked about the problem. “It’s much easier to spell. By the way, do you ever get the chicken bacon ranch on honey oat? Scrumptious as fuck.” :DVK8 GURSSHG ÀYH VSRWV LQ the U.S. News and World Report rankings when the embarrassPHQW ZDV ÀUVW PDGH SXEOLF EXW was reinstated to its current #13 position after Wrighton challenged the magazine’s editors to spell the name correctly themVHOYHV ,Q DQ RIÀFLDO UHVSRQVH WR Wrighton’s challenge, the magazine wrote: “touché.” For those students who need to spell the name but don’t know how, we here at WUnderground VWURQJO\ HQFRXUDJH ÀQGLQJ D way around the problem such as saying “Subway” instead, denying the building’s existence, or referring to it as “The Building That Must Not Be Named.” Could catch on. Who knows. However, if you’re one of those stubborn pricks who
just HAS to spell it anyway, here are the most up-to-date facts we know compiled by a joint investigation of the administration and the English and Linguistics departments: There are no more than three Z’s in the correct spelling. The name is composed of a majority English letters, although they may or may not have those weird marks on top of them. There’s an M in there somewhere, but we can neither FRQÀUP QRU GHQ\ WKH SRSXODU rumors that it is the name’s ÀUVW OHWWHU This isn’t really related, but we just had the chicken bacon ranch and it’s amazing! It is NOT spelled: “Pqzmklroasdr.” Editor’s note: Don’t assume that any spelling of the name in question seen in this article is even close to its correct spelling. As usual, we here at WUnderground are just as clueless (if not more) as the rest of \RX JX\V $FWXDOO\ GHÀQLWHO\ PRUH clueless. I just remembered this one meeting, we spent literally twenty minutes trying to remember George :DVKLQJWRQ·V ÀUVW QDPH ,VQ·W WKDW ridiculous? I mean there’s really no reason that should ever happen. It was a laugh, though.
Untagged Facebook Photo Still Ugly, Sources Say page 18
Hot Girl to Use Restroom, Then Resume Dancing With Me, Thinks Naive Freshman page 0101
Half-Eaten Sandwich Didn’t Get There By Itself, NeatFreak Suitemate Points Out page 11b
Sexual Harassment Nothing Personal, Assures Frat Guy page 420
The Record Publishes Same Alzheimer’s Story Four Times page 4.5
“I Love Your Shirt,” Says Girl Who in Fact Does Not Love Said Shirt page 7
Squirrels Wage Adorable Civil War When the lifeless bodies of VTXLUUHOV ÀUVW EHJDQ WR DSSHDU DOO over the Wash U campus, many assumed it was simply a tragic coincidence. As the body count PRXQWHG RIÀFLDOV VXJJHVWHG DQ infectious disease was to blame. As the eyes of the campus focused on the squirrels, however, an unexpected explanation became apparent: the squirrels have been waging a precious little civil war. Graduate student Terrance 0F+DOH ZDV DPRQJ WKH ÀUVW WR UHFRJQL]H WKH FXWH OLWWOH FRQÁLFW “I saw two squirrels running around, tumbling over each other. I thought they were playing, until one of them stuck the other with a bayonet,” he said. “It was such an adorable little knife, and it caused MXVW WKH FXWHVW RI ÁHVK ZRXQGV µ 7KH FRQÁLFW LV URRWHG LQ SROLWical differences and family loyalties, which split the little rodents into two tribes: the Bushy-Tails and the Nibblers. Tensions reached a boiling point with a
disagreement over a stash of acorns, and the discord suddenly gave way to violence. Students have been largely unaware of the GLPLQXWLYH FRQÁLFW DQG PDQ\ have unknowingly wandered LQWR WKH FURVVÀUH 6RRQ DIWHU stooping to offer a squirrel a peanut, Senior Andrea Daley came under a hail of acorns. “It was really scary,” Daley said. “Actually, it was really confusing. And one of them got stuck in my hair.” ´2XU DWWDFN ZDV MXVWLÀHG µ Nibbler General Jeremiah Puffcheeks seemed to say based on his body language. He’s the one who seems to be the general, as distinguished by a teensy-weensy scar DFURVV KLV IRUHKHDG ´:H ÀJKW E\ a code of honor, and we have no quarrel with the innocent. But when you are providing material support to the enemy, you can no longer be considered innocent,” is probably what his opinion is. General Puffcheeks then stood
up, sniffed the air, and began to nibble at a pebble he found on the ground. The Bushy-Tail forces have pushed the Nibblers back to the South Forty, but the ground has come at a heavy cost, and the perky little offensive appears to have stalled. Still, squirrel politicians refuse to compromise with the other side. “I’ll die before I live alongside Nibblers,” BushyTail Oliver Acorn seemed to say based on his moving his tail a bit. “Fuck Nibblers.” Both sides have their heroes and their villains. One legend is that of Nibbler soldier Joseph %ODFNFODZ ZKR VDFULÀFHG KLPVHOI to buy time for Nibbler forces to retreat. Blackclaw drew the Bushy- Tail forces out on a tree branch, then jumped to his death in a furry little display of devotion and brotherhood. Similar stories are told by Bushy-Tail soldiers and are spread by their pint-size propaganda machine.
Itty-bitty atrocities have been committed by each faction. Last Tuesday, 300 tiny bodies were discovered in a mass grave under Francis Field. The bodies are believed to be those of surrendered Nibbler prisoners of war, but as investigator Jordan Andrews said, “It’s hard to tell. They’re all so cute.” Bushy-Tail forces, meanwhile, accuse General Puffcheeks of goring hundreds of Busy-Tail squirrels to their deaths and drinking their blood to sustain his energy for slaughtering. Puffcheeks refused to comment directly on the matter, seeming to say only, “War is hell.” Aww!