Issue 7.4 by wundergroundwashu

University Collectively Forgets How to Spell “Mallincrot”

In a startling revelation to the WashU community yesterday morning, embarrassed students, faculty members, and alumni realized that not one amongst them knows how to spell “Mahlincrot” (Malinkrot?), the name of the building east of the DUC that is currently home to the bookstore, Gargoyle, and Subway among other things. Attempts to rectify the situation by calling the family in question regarding the spelling of their name failed when no one in the phonebook.

“I feel pretty silly right now,” admitted sophomore Brenda Hillard, an English major. “I’m usually a pretty good speller but I honestly have no idea on this one. I think there’s an r in there somewhere? Don’t quote me on that.”

Other students took the offensive on the issue.

“It’s their own damn fault for having a name with so many letters,” said junior Harris Turner. “Particularly L’s. I hate L’s. That is, assuming there are L’s in the name, which there may not be.”

University leaders are various papers, emails, plaques,

instance of the correct spelling somewhere but have thus far had no success. Apparently, community members have been purposefully avoiding the name for years now, making this problem something of an inevitability.

“I always just text my friends to meet me at Subway when I’m in [building in question]” Chancellor Wrighton said when asked about the problem. “It’s much easier to spell. By the way, do you ever get the chicken bacon ranch on honey oat? Scrumptious as fuck.”

the U.S. News and World Report rankings when the embarrasswas reinstated to its current #13 position after Wrighton challenged the magazine’s editors to spell the name correctly them-

Wrighton’s challenge, the magazine wrote: “touché.”

For those students who need to spell the name but don’t know how, we here at WUnderground way around the problem such as saying “Subway” instead, denying the building’s existence, or referring to it as “The Building That Must Not Be Named.” Could catch on. Who knows. However, if you’re one of those stubborn pricks who

just HAS to spell it anyway, here are the most up-to-date facts we know compiled by a joint investigation of the administration and the English and Linguistics departments:

There are no more than three Z’s in the correct spelling. The name is composed of a majority English letters, although they may or may not have those weird marks on top of them.

There’s an M in there somewhere, but we can neither rumors that it is the name’s

This isn’t really related, but we just had the chicken bacon ranch and it’s amazing! It is NOT spelled: “Pqzmklroasdr.”

Editor’s note: Don’t assume that any spelling of the name in question seen in this article is even close to its correct spelling. As usual, we here at WUnderground are just as clueless (if not more) as the rest of clueless. I just remembered this one meeting, we spent literally twenty minutes trying to remember George ridiculous? I mean there’s really no reason that should ever happen. It was a laugh, though.

Untagged Facebook Photo Still Ugly, Sources Say page 18

Hot Girl to Use Restroom, Then Resume Dancing With Me, Thinks Naive Freshman page 0101

Half-Eaten Sandwich Didn’t Get There By Itself, NeatFreak Suitemate Points Out

page 11b

Sexual Harassment Nothing Personal, Assures Frat Guy page 420

The Record Publishes Same Alzheimer’s Story Four Times page 4.5

“I Love Your Shirt,” Says Girl Who in Fact Does Not Love Said Shirt page 7

Squirrels Wage Adorable Civil War

When the lifeless bodies of over the Wash U campus, many assumed it was simply a tragic coincidence. As the body count infectious disease was to blame. As the eyes of the campus focused on the squirrels, however, an unexpected explanation became apparent: the squirrels have been waging a precious little civil war. Graduate student Terrance

“I saw two squirrels running around, tumbling over each other. I thought they were playing, until one of them stuck the other with a bayonet,” he said. “It was such an adorable little knife, and it caused

ical differences and family loyalties, which split the little rodents into two tribes: the Bushy-Tails and the Nibblers. Tensions reached a boiling point with a

disagreement over a stash of acorns, and the discord suddenly gave way to violence. Students have been largely unaware of the have unknowingly wandered

stooping to offer a squirrel a peanut, Senior Andrea Daley came under a hail of acorns. “It was really scary,” Daley said. “Actually, it was really confusing. And one of them got stuck in my hair.”

Nibbler General Jeremiah Puffcheeks seemed to say based on his body language. He’s the one who seems to be the general, as distinguished by a teensy-weensy scar

a code of honor, and we have no quarrel with the innocent. But when you are providing material support to the enemy, you can no longer be considered innocent,” is probably what his opinion is. General Puffcheeks then stood

up, sniffed the air, and began to nibble at a pebble he found on the ground.

The Bushy-Tail forces have pushed the Nibblers back to the South Forty, but the ground has come at a heavy cost, and the perky little offensive appears to have stalled. Still, squirrel politicians refuse to compromise with the other side. “I’ll die before I live alongside Nibblers,” BushyTail Oliver Acorn seemed to say based on his moving his tail a bit. “Fuck Nibblers.”

Both sides have their heroes and their villains. One legend is that of Nibbler soldier Joseph to buy time for Nibbler forces to retreat. Blackclaw drew the Bushy- Tail forces out on a tree branch, then jumped to his death in a furry little display of devotion and brotherhood. Similar stories are told by Bushy-Tail soldiers and are spread by their pint-size propaganda machine.

Itty-bitty atrocities have been committed by each faction. Last Tuesday, 300 tiny bodies were discovered in a mass grave under Francis Field. The bodies are believed to be those of surrendered Nibbler prisoners of war, but as investigator Jordan Andrews said, “It’s hard to tell. They’re all so cute.” Bushy-Tail forces, meanwhile, accuse General Puffcheeks of goring hundreds of Busy-Tail squirrels to their deaths and drinking their blood to sustain his energy for slaughtering.

Puffcheeks refused to comment directly on the matter, seeming to say only, “War is hell.” Aww!

Awkward Skype Conversation Consists Entirely

of

Pointing Out Objects in Backgrounds

Sophomore Connor Whitley’s hour-long Skype conversation with hometown friend Matt Biltmore went downhill fast last Thursday as nothing to talk about except for the objects that were visible in the background of each other’s screens.

“Is that your lamp?” Whitley

asked after an eight second search for a better topic. “Yea. I got it at Target. Oh, you have a Beatles poster?” Biltmore responded. “Yea they’re a good band,” answered Whitley. Whitley plans to avoid such embarrassments in the future by composing a list beforehand of things to reminisce about.

What Did We Do For Mardi Gras?

Warm Weather Brings Attractive People Out Of Hiding

As the WashU community basks in the recent warm weather, students across campus are rejoicing in the annual spring awakening of the attractive people. Although their origins are unknown, students and faculty alike are embracing the beautiful individuals with open arms.

“I’m not asking a lot of questions, I’m just enjoying it,” Chancellor Wrighton said in a press conference. “I’m trying not to jinx it.”

Over the years, studies have shown that attractive student sightings increase exponentially during the months of February and March much to the happy bewilderment of the student population.

“She’s hot, she’s hot, she’s hot,” said Freshman Max Magnum as he pointed out various girls eating lunch at the DUC. “This is so weird I remember seeing these girls during orientation and then they were gone!

Good thing they’re coming out of hibernation now because I’ve got a friend from home visiting in a week and I want him to be impressed! I wonder why attractive people need so much rest.”

A note to the readers, because they’re still a bit groggy from waking up, they can be cranky. Be sure to exercise caution and approach with care and your A-Game.

WashU to Permanently Close in June

Washington University in St. Louis will close forever this June. Although the school has been open

for a long time, this will no longer be the case come early summer. Administrators say that students

still seeking an education should look elsewhere.

It’s Mardi Gras time, so we asked three people to share with us some of their Mardi Gras experiences!

Hank R. Wedgley, old man

Dorothy Reilly, prim traditional woman

First off, what is Mardi Gras?

What’s your favorite Mardi Gras memory?

What’s your most embarrassing Mardi Gras moment?

What are you looking forward to most? Any advice for partygoers?

Back in my day, we had to walk 15 miles uphill both ways to get to Mardi Gras. It was totally worth it though for the opium.

Getrude, Bernice, Eunice, Harriet, and Martha! Bow chicka wow wow! Haha. Ow my heart hurts.

So there I was, balls deep in bees, with my dick strapped to the....Oh god, I think I’m having a heart attack.... Stop interviewing me! Call Dr. Goldstein!

I need... to go... to the.... hospit... [no response given]

Mardi Gras in an unholy perversion of a sacred religious tradition that violates the sanctity of one of our Lord’s most important days.

Two years ago I saved a young man from eternal damnation by taking away his alcoholic beverage.

Once said a psalm wrong at church in front of the whole congregation. No one noticed but it was humiliating!

Jesus Christ,

I

dunno,

I’m Jewish.

I did a kegstand once for twelve whole seconds this one time and everyone cheered. It was awesome!

I decided to do this guy a favor and turn his water into wine. Turns out he didn’t like wine. AWKWARD!

Seeing

some titaayss!

Go to 14th and Soulard. Ask for Jerry and wink twice. Trust me. It’ll be biblical.

Stayed in this year. What’s that? I went out? Oh, then I don’t know.

Saw titties! Then turned off computer and went to sleep.

Urinated in public. Or did you mean something unusual?

Not sure, but I’m in jail now.

Got drunk on a Tuesday afternoon. Or did you mean something unusual?

is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Charlie Sheen. The news reported by this paper is comknowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff:

Zack Pinsky Editor in Chief

Jenna Stempel Chief of Adobe InDesign

David Drucker Webmaster

Aleya Broadway

Bobby Harvey Ghost of Chiefs Past

Staff

David Drucker

President of Humor Operations

Jeff Leibovich

Head Joke Consultant

Andrew Luskin

Chairman of Comedy Writing

Corie Miller

Chief Funniness Advisor

Aaron Senser

Senior Undersecretary of Satire

Carol Stoll

Hans Zhou

Director of Laugh Inducing Minister of Levity and Drollery

went on for a while.]

We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, girl, email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group! wunderground.wustl.edu

Mardi Gras!!

How to Revamp Your Resume for a Summer Internship!

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID vs. WHAT YOU CAN TOTALLY WRITE

Haven’t declared major yet

GPA 1.93

Slept with your manager at Mickey D’s

Babysat your little cousins while the ‘rents were getting trashed on Christmas

Stamped some envelopes for Dad’s company (this was part of

Frequently dine and converse with cashier at Taco Bell

Play guitar hero, Wii

Interned at a global management

Triple major in Biomedical Engineering, Political Science, and Sculpture

GPA = 3.91 (if questioned, pretend to be dyslexic)

Prepared delicacies and provided top-tier customer month 7 months in a row

12 children for the past 8 years. (provide aunt [use her maiden name] as reference)

Performed all managerial and secretarial tasks for Microsoft Corporation (use Dad’s maiden name as well!)

Fluent en Español

Interests: Playing guitar (lead a band), Professional skiing, tennis, baseball, bowling, golf, boxing

Interned at a global management

Senile Old Man Mistakes “Beads” for “Bees”; Unleashes Terror on Mardi Gras Celebration

An area Mardi Gras party went horribly awry this weekend when Chuck Fond, 89, of Clayton, released ten thousand bees on partygoers in downtown St. Louis. According to eyewitness reports, upon hearing the repeated calls for “beads,” Fond rushed out to his car, returned 10 minutes later carrying buckets of bees, yelled “I don’t know why you want this, but okay!” and promptly released them into the crowd.

“It was mass hysteria,” said Bruce Butler, one of the victims. “No one even knew why this old dude

else had invited him. We would have kicked him out, but he was doing body shots like a pro, so we decided to – OH GOD, IS THAT BUZZING?! Whoa, sorry. I’m still a bit jumpy.”

Mardi Gras celebration has been ruined by bad hearing, a problem that has plagued the eventgoers since its inception. Last year, a

the festivities, doubling the usual amount of feces usually present at the event. The year before that, revelers could hardly move because of all the Swedes.

Still, most people agree that this

WUnderground’s editor in chief Zack Pinsky is a fatass. At our last meeting he consumed a hamburger, 2 slices of pizza, a bowl of stir fry, an entire bag of tortilla chips, a milkshake, and then he stole my goddamn chicken tenders. When all that was gone he tried to make me get a quesadilla, and he nearly bit my he doesn’t tell jokes, he doesn’t have

ZACK IS FAT

By Jeff Leibovich, Staff Writer

any ideas, and he doesn’t facilitate any type of creative discussion whatsoever. All Zack Pinsky does at our meetings is eat. I’m pretty sure the only reason he even comes to these meetings is that he actually lives in our conference room. He’s simply too fat and lazy to ever leave. In conclusion, Zack is very overweight.

year’s bee problem was the worst. “They were... they were everywhere, man,” said frightened partyer Luke Betz. “In my mouth...in my eyes... NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!

AARRGH!”

Despite a massive police search for Mr. Fond, he was not found until the next morning, where he was lying groggily in a street corner. “He was hung over pretty bad,” said Deputy Ash Joggins. “We tried asking him where he got the bees, but he just kept yelling at us about how our generation didn’t appreciate our elders. He called me a doggone whippersnapper. That stung even

worse than the bees.”

Although Fond was returned to Shady Pines Nursing Home, the damage is far from over. “The ten the area are really annoying!” said Butler. “They just won’t fucking leave. But even worse than that, I didn’t even get to see any tits because of all the screaming. Can I get some beads over here? NO, NOT BEES GODDAMMIT.”

Fond was unavailable for comment, as it was time for his sponge bath.

God damn it Zack! This is exactly what I’m talking about. I’m sitting here working my ass off trying to write this point-counterpoint, and you’re too fucking fat to even stand up for yourself and write the counterargument. This is exactly why we don’t get any funding you lazy shit. Put down that chili-dog, get your ass off the god damn sofa, and come write! And how the hell did you manage to get a sofa in our conference room anyway? You son of a bitch, you paid for that out of WUnder-

By Jeff Leibovich, Staff Writer

ground’s budget for the semester, didn’t you? We’re trying to do great things with this paper, and you go and spend our all our money on couches! And you just spilled salsa all over it! Now it isn’t even a clean couch! You waste all that money on a new couch and can’t even...Oh no don’t do it, don’t make that face...oh shit! Guys help! The fat ass just threw up on the sofa! It’s everywhere! And now he’s trying to re-eat the little bits of food in it! For the love of God somebody get him out of here!

Nerds Eagerly Await March 14th

Local nerd Arthur Dworkis can’t wait until March 14th. Why the enthusiasm? It’s not for the reason you think, the 149th birthday of Norwegian physicist Vilhelm Bjerknes. March 14th is Pi Day!

“Pi Day, 3/14, is like Christmas for those of us who are mathematically inclined,” explained a visibly aroused Dworkis. “Except for those of us who are Christian, in which case Christmas is much more like Christmas. But regardless, everyone knows pi is the best irrational number. Not that I’m not also pumped for March 16th, root ten day,” he continued before fainting from all of the excitement.

Clearly, Pi Day is kind of a big deal, and Wash U students are not wasting any time. Even the frattiest frat bros have let their true nerdy selves come out of hiding and are counting

down the seconds until they can rejoice in the streets and revel in the glory of pi. Because Pi Day is during spring break this year, celebrations have started early with the unfortunate realization that less nerdy high school friends might not feel the need to party hard for the worthy occasion.

“Pi Day parties are the shit!” explains sophomore Jill McIntosh. “Last year I won this pieeating contest where I ate 3.14 apple pies in 6.28 minutes, and simultaneously calculated the area and circumference of the pies. It was easily the craziest shit I have ever done. Sooooo college!”

This year, partygoers should expect to spend their time drinking “Pi-ña coladas” and “Pi-Punch” by the Pi-nt, memorizing pi up to hundreds of digits, and calculating the circumference of different sizes

of circles.

time I learned about pi,” says senior Jake Goldman. “It was on a Wednesday so I was wearing my Wednesday underwear, and they had duckies on them. My sixth grade math teacher, Mrs. Marshall, had us calculate the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle and

was this number, a number so special it had the same name as my favorite dessert. My mind was blown to shreds. I sometimes wonder if I have ever fully recovered,” he pondered whimsically before collapsing and convulsing.

As of press time, humanities majors were politely observing the festivities, too embarrassed to ask what the hell was going on.

New Study Finds Texting While Driving Only Dangerous If You Suck At It

A new study released by Safety Administration (NHTSA) reveals that the widely held belief that texting while driving is dangerous in fact only applies to those Americans who are shitty drivers, shitty texters, or both. The rest of us who aren’t incompetent dumbasses, the report states, should feel

perfectly free to continue doing what we’re doing and let Shelia know just how fat they think Stacey is during the next red light or straightaway.

“As long as you’re not a numbnuts and can handle the tiny mental exertion of doing two very simple tasks at the Tyler Harrison, spokesperson

for the agency. “It’s the same as driving drunk.”

Added Harrison: “It’s automatic transmission for Christ’s sake!”

The agency, which has made news in recent months for data it published on injuries and fatalities resulting from texting while driving, said that the new study

drivers are more accident-prone when they are texting seems to indicate that it’s a dangerous activity, it turns out that those of us with half a brain needn’t worry. (see Figure 1).

“That’s a relief but it totally makes sense,” says Crystal Sherman, a high school biology kept wondering, is there some

10. Top ten least favorite races

9. Top ten most attractive farm animals

8. Top ten meta top tens

7. Top ten WashU satirical newspapers

6. Top ten pictures we took of Cindy Hoffman (kinda blurry)

5. Top ten up and coming drug dealers in University City

4. Top ten seats in Labsci 300

3. Top ten WUnderground staffers named David

2. Top ten most peed on buildings on campus

1. Top ten days of the week

sort of radiation released by my phone that messes with the engine? It seems so innocuous, I just didn’t understand what the danger was. Turns out I have nothing to fear because knowing me.”

The NHTSA is looking into further research inquiring whether the same is true for speeding, riding without a seatbelt, and driving while masturbating.