Now with more Q’s! Volume 7, Issue 3
Februrary 7, 2011
Valentine’s Day Icon Cupid Arrested in Connection With East St. Louis Shootings and Date Rapes Cupid, the timeless Valentine’s Day icon of love and romance, was arrested Thursday morning in connection with a string of crossbow shootings and date rapes in East St. Louis. In a shocking revelation, area police claim that the fabled cherub of love, who was running one of the largest prostitution rings in the Midwestern United States, may in fact be responsible for hundreds of
shootings and rapes over the past several decades. “We’ve been tracking Cupid for a while, and its clear that we’re dealing with one very sick individual” explained officer Frank Brown of the St Louis police department. “He shoots these women with his crossbow, and then the one’s that survive the massive trauma and blood loss caused by the wound are drugged and sold as sex slaves
Why don’t we have a Valentine this year?
12%
on the black market. The streets are going to be a much safer place now that we have him locked up, that’s for sure.” The arrest came after police raided Cupid’s apartment early Thursday morning. In addition to a wide variety of unregistered crossbows, police found over fifty thousand dollars in cash and “enough rufilin to sedate and molest a herd of elephants.” A court date has not yet been set. Too much herpes
Sophomore Really Excited for Black History Month page 18
“Love is in the Air,” Ugly Guy Convinces Himself page 0101
New Sorority Inductee Has Already Said, “I Love You” More to Sisters Than in Entire Life to Parents page 11b
WashU pulls out of Bristol Palin page 420
Bristol Palin speaking deal aborted page 4.5
Student slyly states he’s upset he couldn’t see Bristol come ;) page 7
WashU scrambles to find Plan B for Bristol Palin page 3-19
14%
Not enough herpes
7%
Had Valentine last year. Well. Almost
86%
Too ugly
19%
Holding out for Mr. Right. Or at least someone with a penis this time.
Palin speaking deal spawns controversy
10%
Cousin has boyfriend now.
Palin fiasco a bang-up-deal
31%
Too old for pity Valentines.
Students protest treasury blowing their wad on Palin
Boy Becomes Man By Growing First Beard at College Justin Turner knew something fishy was going on when his roommate asked him if there was a fungus growing on his chin. “Dude. Is that fungus growing on your chin?” According to Turner, it wasn’t a fungus. “I honestly didn’t know what the hell it could have been,” he said. “I mean, I had been trying to grow some manly stubble since I was, what, twelve? But at the end of the day, my skin was always smooth and hairless, not unlike a seal or certain species of manatee.” Until now. Upon closer inspection and some good old-fashioned research in the library, Turner concluded that the fungus wasn’t fungus at all and was actually a smattering of dark facial hairs that were beginning to peek
Price: Less than $20,000
through the follicles on his once boyishly soft skin. “I literally pissed myself I was so excited!” Turner reports. He was then promptly asked to leave the library and to keep his bladder under control. The New York native didn’t care though, as he was so happy to have finally overcome his greatest struggle. Turner was tired of the ridicule from the librarian, his fraternity, his friends, and his family about both his lack of facial hair and his peeing problem, things he claims are unrelated. “It’s not an easy life being a man in college with no facial hair,” he said, choosing to skate over the peeing problem as if we would forget about it. “I had to get through 5:00 without a shadow. I had to pretend to shave
in the bathroom and I just got razor burn. It looked like I had hemorrhoids on my face. I had nothing to stroke when I was deep in thought. Don’t take that last one the wrong way.” These days, the bearded Turner is leading an exponentially more fulfilling and manly life. He wears flannel shirts and carries an ax on his person at all times so he can effectively finish out the lumberjack look. “I’ve never considered myself to be particularly outdoorsy or anything, but there’s no reason I can’t look the part— I’m a man!” Turner attributes his newfound ability to grow a beard to switching his major from education to philosophy.
WashU cancels Palin speaking deal after her price knocked up too high page 665
Palin blames B+D for cancellation: “Protection wasn’t enough” page b
page MXI page 98.6
page 6132
Palin screwed by student protestors page XXI
WUnderground nails Bristol Palin again! page 4
With his chin no longer naked, the future certainly looks bright for this plucky sophomore. His biggest problem now is needing a date for his fraternity’s semi-formal, but he is considering just taking his beard. One day of course he’ll learn that beards can’t solve all problems, but let’s not disillusion him now. It’s your day, Justin. Enjoy it.