Issue 7.3 by wundergroundwashu

Valentine’s Day Icon Cupid Arrested in Connection With East St. Louis Shootings and Date Rapes

Cupid, the timeless Valentine’s Day icon of love and romance, was arrested Thursday morning in connection with a string of crossbow shootings and date rapes in East St. Louis. In a shocking revelation, area police claim that the fabled cherub of love, who was running one of the largest prostitution rings in the Midwestern United States, may in fact be responsible for hundreds of

shootings and rapes over the past several decades.

“We’ve been tracking Cupid for a while, and its clear that we’re dealing with one very sick individual” explained officer

Frank Brown of the St Louis police department. “He shoots these women with his crossbow, and then the one’s that survive the massive trauma and blood loss caused by the wound are drugged and sold as sex slaves

Why don’t we have a Valentine this year?

on the black market. The streets are going to be a much safer place now that we have him locked up, that’s for sure.”

The arrest came after police raided Cupid’s apartment early Thursday morning. In addition to a wide variety of unregistered crossbows, police found over fifty thousand dollars in cash and “enough rufilin to sedate and molest a herd of elephants.”

A court date has not yet been set.

Not enough herpes

Sophomore Really Excited for Black History Month page 18

“Love is in the Air,” Ugly Guy Convinces Himself page 0101

New Sorority Inductee Has Already Said, “I Love You” More to Sisters Than in Entire Life to Parents

page 11b

WashU pulls out of Bristol Palin page 420

Bristol Palin speaking deal aborted page 4.5

Student slyly states he’s upset he couldn’t see Bristol come ;) page 7

WashU scrambles to find Plan B for Bristol Palin page 3-19

WashU cancels Palin speaking deal after her price knocked up too high page 665

Palin blames B+D for cancellation: “Protection wasn’t enough” page b

Holding out for Mr. Right. Or at least someone with a penis this time.

Cousin has boyfriend now.

old for pity Valentines.

Boy Becomes Man By Growing First Beard at College

Justin Turner knew something fishy was going on when his roommate asked him if there was a fungus growing on his chin.

“Dude. Is that fungus growing on your chin?”

According to Turner, it wasn’t a fungus. “I honestly didn’t know what the hell it could have been,” he said. “I mean, I had been trying to grow some manly stubble since I was, what, twelve? But at the end of the day, my skin was always smooth and hairless, not unlike a seal or certain species of manatee.”

Until now. Upon closer inspection and some good old-fashioned research in the library, Turner concluded that the fungus wasn’t fungus at all and was actually a smattering of dark facial hairs that were beginning to peek

through the follicles on his once boyishly soft skin.

“I literally pissed myself I was so excited!” Turner reports. He was then promptly asked to leave the library and to keep his bladder under control. The New York native didn’t care though, as he was so happy to have finally overcome his greatest struggle. Turner was tired of the ridicule from the librarian, his fraternity, his friends, and his family about both his lack of facial hair and his peeing problem, things he claims are unrelated.

“It’s not an easy life being a man in college with no facial hair,” he said, choosing to skate over the peeing problem as if we would forget about it. “I had to get through 5:00 without a shadow. I had to pretend to shave

in the bathroom and I just got razor burn. It looked like I had hemorrhoids on my face. I had nothing to stroke when I was deep in thought. Don’t take that last one the wrong way.”

These days, the bearded Turner is leading an exponentially more fulfilling and manly life. He wears flannel shirts and carries an ax on his person at all times so he can effectively finish out the lumberjack look.

“I’ve never considered myself to be particularly outdoorsy or anything, but there’s no reason I can’t look the part— I’m a man!” Turner attributes his newfound ability to grow a beard to switching his major from education to philosophy.

Palin speaking deal spawns controversy page MXI

Palin fiasco a bang-up-deal page 98.6

Students protest treasury blowing their wad on Palin

page 6132

Palin screwed by student protestors page XXI

WUnderground nails Bristol Palin again! page 4

With his chin no longer naked, the future certainly looks bright for this plucky sophomore. His biggest problem now is needing a date for his fraternity’s semi-formal, but he is considering just taking his beard. One day of course he’ll learn that beards can’t solve all problems, but let’s not disillusion him now. It’s your day, Justin. Enjoy it.

W ho Should I K ill on Valenti ne ’ s Day T h is Yea r?

Oh boy! It ’s t hat t ime of t he year agai n The snow is start i ng to t haw, football season’s over, a nd heart a nd ca ndy displays are appeari ng i n stores all across tow n That ca n on ly

mea n one t h i ng: t ime for my a n nual Valent i ne’s Day murder

Th is one’s gon na be a good one, I ca n feel it A lot of people have pissed me off i n t he last few week s, a nd I’ve been keepi ng a r u n n i ng list of t hem i n my head, as well as a few ot hers who I feel

are liable to piss me off i n t he f ut ure It ’s so tempt i ng to k ill t wo or t h ree, but I k now t he t radit ion: one slayi ng per year, Valent i ne’s Day on ly, no Asia ns And really, t radit ion is what it ’s all about

Day k illi ng A h, what a glorious day it was I was ten years old, a nd Stacey Livi ngston didn’t wa nt me to be her valent i ne Ha ha st upid Stacey! Si nce t hen however, on ly a few of my murders have been roma nt ically

i nspired Ot her reasons over t he years have i ncluded ugly mustac hes, rice on my burrito, g ivi ng me my c ha nge i n si ngles, a nd mak i ng me cr y One year I act ually k illed a g uy for no reason whatsoever! Y’k now, just to shake t h i ngs up

But not t h is year Th is year ’s vict im will have ear ned h is fate Maybe a baby will cr y too loudly That would sure simplif y t he mat ter But no poi nt cou nt i ng on luck I need to get dow n to busi ness Hm m I haven’t k illed a n old person i n a wh ile But what ’s t he poi nt? I was so pissed t hat one year when I fou nd out af ter wards t hat t he woma n I snuffed was termi nally ill at t he t ime Fuck t hat sh it Th is year t here ca n be no m istakes

I t h i n k my econ professor has to be one of t he front r u n ners He’s simply too vibra nt for my lik i ng Plus I get t he feeli ng t hat he really enjoys Valent i ne’s Day That certai n ly adds some appeal to t he

Rushee Wastes Ha l f Hou r

Conversat ion on Fellow Rushee

Fresh ma n a nd frater n it y r ushee

Ph illip Cobson wasted 30 mi nutes of h is frater n it y r ush event t ime talk i ng to fellow r ushee Con rad Joh nson last n ight The conversat ion, wh ic h covered suc h topics as Cobson’s hometown, class schedule, major, and extracurriculars, was characterized by Cobson as amicable and pleasant, until the bomb was dropped that the sophomore Johnson was not, in fact, a brother

“Shit man, I was being funny and everything,” lamented Cobson “And not in the usual racist wayeither ” Act ual frater n it y brot hers mea nwh ile, seemed unaware of Cobson’s presence at t he bowli ng event “Ph illip? Wait was he t he g uy wit h

t he hat? No? Green sh irt? No? Pedoph ile mustac he? Hm m na h, I dun no who he is ”

Joh nson mea nwh ile, showed no sig ns of dist ress over t he extended conversat ion, t hough he adm it ted to bei ng “a bit weirded out ” by Cobson’s ent husiasm

“I dun no, he seemed oddly i nterested i n ever yt h i ng I had to say Like when I told h im I was from Houston, he yelled out ‘no way!’ like it was t he craziest t h i ng he’d ever heard And he laughed at my ‘t wo priests a nd a rabbi’ joke a f ull ten seconds before I got to t he punc h li ne Oh a nd I’m pret t y sure he asked me how I liked my classes four t imes ”

Added Joh n son: “I don’t t h i n k

I’ve ever hea rd suc h abu nda nt use of t he ph rase ‘t hat ’s so cool!’ eit her ”

When asked what i n part ic ular about Joh nson led h im to believe t hat he was a brot her, Cobson responded, “tall ”

The conversat ion ra n ked among t he most wastef ul ever for Cobson, alongside suc h squa nderi ngs as t he 20 mi nute pick-up li ne to t he g irl wit h t he boyfriend, t he 45 -mi nute marat hon conversat ion wit h bori ng old aunt Marg ie, a nd ever y si ngle word he’s ever ut tered duri ng h is work as a Jehova h’s wit ness

idea Or maybe t hat g irl who I see somet imes Y’k now t he one wit h t he um m f uck I don’t really k now how to describe her But you k now t he way she is She’s always doi ng st uff a nd sh it f uck her Wel l, rega rd less of who I dec ide

Va lent i ne’s Day ha s come to be my favor ite hol iday, ma i n ly becaus e it of fers a n ice brea k f rom t he da i ly monotony of not k i l l i ng people I got ta ad m it, I real ly love k i l l i ng people A nd i sn’t love what Va lent i ne’s Day i s al l about?

is Wash U’s premier [on ly] sat irical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Bristol Palin’s lect ure on abst inence The news reported by t h is paper is completely

k nowledge Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is ent irely intent ional

C hiefs of St aff:

Zack Pinsky Head of Humor

Jenna Stempel Archduchess of Aest het ic Dav id Dr ucker Webmaster

A leya Broadway Bobby Har vey

Ghost of Ch iefs Past St aff

David Dr ucker

Vice President of Humor O perations

Jeff Leibovic h Head Joke Consultant

Andrew Lusk i n Chairman of Comedy Writing and Wit Corie Miller

Chief Funniness Advisor

Aaron Senser Senior Undersecretar y of Satire Carol Stoll Director of L augh Inducing and Enabling

Like many of us, sophomore Rick Goldstein was in for a rude awakening last month when he heard the shock ing news that he had, in fact, spent his entire life identifying with the wrong Zodiac sign “For so long my sign was an integral part of my identit y and self image,” Goldstein explained “Then boom! I wake up and all of a sudden I’m not a Sagittarius, I’m an Opiuchus! What the fuck is an Opiuchus anyways? It sounds like part of the female reproductive system!”

Alt hough orig i nally distraught,

Goldstei n soon embraced t he c ha nge i n h is Zodiac sig n as an opport un it y to create a new ident it y for h imself In t he past few week s he has shaved h is head, converted to Scientolog y, become a licensed pet t i ng zoo operator, and applied for Nor weg ian cit izensh ip “I’ve never act ually been to Nor way, but I hear t hat t he f jords are lovely,” explai ned Goldstei n, who has just requested t hat people stop calli ng h im R ick a nd refer to h im as Jessica i n t he f ut ure “My perspect ive on ever yt h i ng has totally c hanged

now,” he explai ned “I ca n see sounds now a nd hear colors and oh wait, no, t hat ’s just because of all t he acid I’ve been tak i ng si nce I realized I’m act ually a total h ippie! Pass t he joi nt man!”

And wh ile not ever yone is happy wit h t he c ha nges Goldstei n has made, he says t hat he is happy wit h sucked when some of t he people close to me began to distance t hemselves,” Goldstei n con fessed “But t hen I realized t hat it ’s ok, because now I have way more t ime to get continued on page 3

to know myself and acquire new skills.” Indeed, Goldstein claims that yesterday alone he figured out how to communicate with goldfish,

learned to knit sweaters for chipmunks, and taught himself how to Dougie. “At the end of the day,” Goldstein explained, “I have to be true to myself. To quote Kesha, who

WUnderground

has been my favorite musical artist of all time ever since I decided fifteen seconds ago that I love pop music, ‘We R Who We R.’ Well, I am who I am. Now if you’ll excuse

me, I have to pursue my dream of becoming an award winning pumpkin grower.”

took an ANONYMOUS SURVEY of 10,000 Washington University UNDERGRADUATES about their sexual habits, experiences, preferences, and opinions. Here are some of the results.

100% of undergraduates have chlamydia. Especially you.

74.3% of females have masturbated in the last week;

83.7% of males have masturbated in the last minute

If you’re male, you’re masturbating right now.

57.2% of students considered making out a “hookup,” continued from page 2

42.7% considered a hookup to be feeling under the shirt or genital contact, and Roy Haroldson considers holding hands a hookup. What a loser! Haha if the survey was really anonymous Roy, why did we ask for your name, idiot?

63.1% of hookups involved alcohol; 100% of those involving ugly chicks.

The most sexual encounters any student has had in his/her time at WashU is Chad Billings with ten

billion. Wait a minute...dammit Chad that’s not true!

The average WashU student has had sex 1.2 times in the last month, “hooked up” with 2.4 people in the last year, and has half a penis.

99.7% of straight males think Sophie Riffley is fiiiiinnneee.

The average penis size among male students is 14.2 inches, although Chad Billings skews the data because his is

4.6% of straight males have had threesomes with two females.

4.6% of straight males are total champs.

Nine out of ten people enjoy bukkake.

34% of students are virgins, especially Roy Haroldson.

An Open Letter to Student Life from the Editor of WUnderground

Dear Student Life,

In your January 21st article “University remains open despite 8-inch snowfall,” you misspelled my name while quoting me. I think I speak for all readers when I say that this is the greatest injustice in human history. Not. Fucking. Cool The error would be bad enough if the only negative consequence of it was the chaos it caused when thousands of students read with confusion a quote by a “Zach Pinsky” who does not exist. I received dozens of phone calls, texts, and carrier

pigeons from friends and admirers wondering if I had changed my name and whether or not they should get their tattoos of me changed as well. Others wondered if I had a brother at this school and if so why my parents chose to name their sons so similarly. As a newspaper your job must be to inform the student body, not confuse them with blatant distortions of the truth. For shame. But the issue is much bigger than just that. As one of the primary media outlets this campus has, it is paramount that you maintain the faith of the student body. That faith

is now in shambles. For our part, WUnderground takes great care to always correctly spell the names of the fictional persons we interview. This is one of the reasons we currently enjoy a 100% approval rating among students, according to the latest poll conducted during our last meeting. You would do well to follow our example.

Now, it seems, we stand at a crossroads, Student Life. It’s time to take a long, piercing look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself some tough questions. Are the information needs of the students at Washington

Wooo! Partyyyy! Oh man shit is going DOWN tonight! Haha where my boyz at? Who wants to do a tequila shot? Anyone? Haha hell yea, I thought so! Chasers are for biitttccchhhes! We go hard! Yo, how badly did we just own those guys at pong? I know, right? Oh wait, hold up, this song is sweeeet!!!!!! I’m tooootally rocking out

Damn, Tanya is So Hot!

By Josh Reynolds, Junior

right now! AIR GUITAR FOR THE WIN! Yo by the way, y’know who is looking damn fine tonight? Tanya. Dude, look at the way she’s looking at me! She’s aaalways doing that. She toootally wants me, I know it. Wow, I dunno how I never noticed it before, but she’s really hot! Who wants to wing for me? Psych! I got this myself! See you bros later!

Oowww...Oh my gosh my head hurts so much right now. Auugghh this is honestly the worst migraine ever. Damn, where’s my water? Wait, who’s room am I in right now? What the hell? What did I do last night? Okay, context clues. Check the wall for any names. Tanya? Oooohhhhhh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

University important to me? Is printing a paper with no remnants of journalistic integrity something I’m comfortable doing? Are h and k the same letter? Only after answering these questions can we determine whether our university will usher in a new age of virtue in the media, or crumble under a mountain of mistrust. It’s your school, your paper, your choice. You make the call.

Sincerely, Zack Pinsky

By Josh Reynolds, Junior

Oh shit. Please tell me there were other Tanya’s at that party. There must have been other Tanya’s at that party. I know like twenty Tanya’s, right? Oooyyyy. Okay tequila is now a banned substance. I’m pouring it down the drain as soon as I get home. Fuck my life.

12 feet. Roy Haroldson’s is 4 inches.

Nostalgic Senior Enrolls in Writing One and Hooks Up With Ugly Girls

In attempts to recreate the magic of freshman year, senior Michael Pollack has reenrolled in writing one and begun drunkenly hooking up with random and often times unattractive girls at fraternity parties. The practice, which friends attribute to “Michael being weird as fuck,” has been going on since the beginning of the semester when the Chicago native declared his intention to make his last semester at WashU the best one yet by making it as similar as possible to his first.

“Man, freshman year was awesome, particularly the fall,” he said. “If recreating that involves retaking the most arduous and pointless class this school has to offer despite having already passed it, so be it.”

But turning back the clock goes further than just

researching scholarly writings about “Mean Girls” and taking the path of least resistance with the opposite sex. Friends report that the 22-year-old Pollack has taken to asking them to buy him alcohol, and when they’ve refused, started complaining about the drinking age.

“Last week he kept saying that he needed to make some friends who were seniors,” says Jeremy Altman, who was on Pollack’s freshman floor three years ago. “I didn’t really know what to say, so I told him that the girl he had made out with the previous Saturday wasn’t very attractive. He agreed.”

Pollack has also attempted to move in with his estranged freshman roommate Matt Quentin by breaking into his apartment at night and falling asleep on the floor

next to him while Quentin slept. The plan backfired unexpectedly however, when Quentin did not find this arrangement to be suitable and objected. He then filed a restraining order against Pollack, something he had only threatened to do when the two were roommates.

“That old Matt,” sighed Pollack reminiscently. “Just like old times. Except that before it was a lot easier to sleep in the same room as him.”

Pollack says he doesn’t plan on returning to typical second semester senior life anytime soon. “Well I certainly can’t drop writing one. I need that class to graduate!” he said. “Speaking of which, I need a book for my lens essay. Do you know where Olin library is?”