Issue 7.2.2 by wundergroundwashu

Asshole Scientist Won’t Share Cancer Cure With Anyone

Biochemistry genius and all-around dickwad Timothy Warren announced last week that he had at long last discovered a foolproof cancer remedy and that he would not be letting anyone else have it. The cure, which Dr. Warren says works for all kinds of cancer “including the weird kinds,” will be available for his personal use only. Although he was offered hundreds of billions of dollars for his discovery and a place among the most famous and respected people ever to have lived, Warren refused to give in.

“Did you discover the cure for cancer or did I?” Warren asked reporters rhetorically during his press conference. “Oh, it was me? Oh, huh, that’s interesting. Well maybe if you want your cancer cured, you can just discover the cure yourself. Because if you want it from

me, you’ll have to wrestle it out of my cold, dead hands, which doesn’t seem likely to happen because, as I mentioned earlier, I possess the cure for cancer.”

Warren later mentioned that he had contracted and subsequently cured cancer in his prostate three times in the last week just for fun.

The news came as a blow to patients all around the world but did not come as a surprise to those who know Warren personally.

“Yea Tim’s a total douchebag,” says Roger Harrison, who went to medical school with Warren. I’m not sure how else to phrase it. ‘Total douchebag’ is literally a perfect description of him.”

The news was even more irksome because of how effective the cure is and the relative ease with which Warren discovered it. While he wouldn’t disclose too many details about how he

!"#$%&'()%*+,%"#"-+).%/)0+).1% Warren says that he was “just dicking around with some chem+!"2,3%4$5(6$%/)0+).%+71%")0%+7%8",% perfected shortly thereafter.

“It wasn’t even hard,” he jeered before silencing a chorus of “that’s what she said”s from the crowd. “It’s pretty pathetic that so many scientists are 8(69+).%,(%*"60%7(%/)0%+7:%;(&<6$% all stupid. Not me, though. I’m very smart.”

Warren plans to dedicate *+,%7+#$%)(8%7(%/)0+).%"%8"=% to attain world peace, so he can have that too to hold over the heads of the rest of the human race. He says he has “a rough idea in my head already” and that it “shouldn’t take too long.”

“Just imagine a world without cancer or war,” he said. “Because imagination is the only way you’ll experience it, bitches! Skeet skeet!”

What kind of jokes does WUnderground make?

Bland, Inoffensive Article Offends People Who Like Humor

A recent article printed in WUnderground that was respectful of all races, religions, ethnicities, and sexual identities ")0%8",%!"6$5&2%)(7%7(%6&5B$%")=% feathers whatsoever was received with an uproar by those members of the Washington University community who enjoy humor and have semblances of personalities. The composition, which was written with the conscious intent of making sure not a single person who might possibly read it could possibly feel bad in any way as a result of the article, was a noticeable departure from the usual humorous, edgy content of the paper and some were not pleased.

“I mean I’ve been a pretty big fan of the paper for a while,” said senior Joshua Grotz, who is not a soulless tool. “And I was able to look past some of their

previous works that were a bit too banal for my taste, but this article simply went too far. How dare they!”

Grotz is not alone. Those students falling in the spectrum ranging from those who enjoy jokes and funniness on a regular basis to those who simply partake in a hearty guffaw every now and then were unanimous in their opposition to the article. They are joining forces and planning a protest and a boycott of the paper until such a time when the paper decides it will ,7('%'6+)7+).%,&!*%7",7$2$,,%/27*% that doesn’t poke fun at anyone or even make a mildly questionable penis joke.

“I love both humor and satire!” said noticeably livid sophomore Jeremy Harvin, who is heading the protest. “Is that article

Reading Week to Be Sponsored by Adderall page 18

“This Semester Has Really Flown By,” Observes Student in Coma page 0101

implying that humor isn’t a good thing? Or that satire shouldn’t be funny? What if someone reads that article and decides to stop making jokes or laughing? Is that what WUnderground wants? Shit, I’m so mad right now I can’t even poop for some reason. Actually. I should probably get that checked out. That really doesn’t make sense medically.”

Inexplicable, anger-induced constipation aside, it should be noted that not everyone on campus disliked the article. Various groups of students such as those whose joy of life has been steadily eroded by hardship up to the point where they can no longer smile and those with sticks so far up their butts that it’s really painful to laugh so they’ve forgotten what humor is, found no problem

Santa Still Waiting on Your !"#$%&'()&*+,-./&01"23 page 420

4/+5".$16&01(#+..(1& Upset More Students Didn’t Score Above Median page 4.5

Beat-Boxer Totally Has Drums in His Mouth, A Capella Conspiracy

Theorist Claims page 7

Cash-Strapped Business School to be Renamed Four Loko School of Business page 3-19

Sorority Member’s Love of 0,+78+&9(5&:)"23,6

Surpasses Love of Real Mom page 665

with the article.

“Well it wasn’t offensive to any ethnic or gender group so I guess it was a good article,” said Shayna Harrison, a member of the latter group who seemed confused by the question. “Is there something else I should be using to judge an article’s merit?”

On the whole though, student reactions to the article were profoundly negative, and the pressure is on WUnderground to right the ship quickly. Consequently, the paper has announced that its next issue will feature entirely content that the FCC would disapprove of. While they would not say what exactly that would entail, they did reveal that the word “buttfungus” would appear in every single sentence of the issue.

“We understand the desires of our audience,” the paper released in a statement. “And we are dedicated to catering to those desires. As such, our next issue will be thoroughly uncensored and delightfully edgy. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Truth Conforms to Wikipedia

Tr ut h, t he elusive concept t hat acc urately describes t he state of realit y, has decided to con form to Wik ipedia af ter m illen n ia of a priori self- evidenc y The move, wh ic h came af ter vocal complai nts about t he irritat i ng differences bet ween t he t wo rival sources of k nowledge, seemed to be a n i nevitable result of Wik ipedia’s growt h t hat t r ut h was simply no matc h for The et hereal state of bei ng succ umbed to defeat at a press con ference yesterday

“I just ca n’t compete wit h a website t hat boasts 30 t rillion new users daily,” it said “I’m lucky if people use me once a day And my popularit y among 8 -10 year olds, polit icia ns, a nd boyfriends responding to accusations of infi-delit y is just plai n awf ul ”

Wh ile most people approved of t he move g iven t hat t he t r ut h was becom i ng k i nd of pat het ic i n its growi ng obsc urit y, ma ny are war y of t he newfound power t hey possess i n edit i ng t he facts of t he world t h rough just a couple of keyst rokes For example, whereas before on Wik ipedia when t he average height of t he g iraffe was c ha nged to 80 feet tall it would

simply become t r ue i n t he m i nds of pret t y muc h ever yone i n t he world, now g iraffes will act ually grow to t hat height to accom modate t he c ha nge Needless to say, g iraffes worldwide are ner vous

“Please don’t c ha nge my neck size,” said a Giraffe from easter n Africa “It hurts a nd makes my head hard to hold up ”

But f uck i ng wit h large Africa n mam mals isn’t t he on ly new possibilit y spaw ned by t h is development Celebrit ies, who un like t he rest of ma n k i nd have pages on wik ipedia, are now at t he merc y of t he masses Glen n Beck has died 3 4 m illion t imes i n t he last day, i n addit ion to never havi ng been bor n, wh ic h m ight be related to Wik ipedia’s newfound power Jessica Alba is now married to 17-year-old Boston resident Jesse Mic haels, - oh no, make t hat 16 -year-old Houston resident Mat t Ph illips, who apparently has a 13 -i nc h pen is, a nd Abra ham Li ncol n now plays small for ward for t he K n ick s In addit ion, Wash i ng ton Un iversit y i n St Louis is now t he number one ra n ked un iversit y i n t he world, accordi ng to Secretar y of Educat ion/Suit-

1. What has two legs, two eyes, and no heart?

2. When can love also be sadness?

3. Under what circumstances would a girl whose boyfriend loves her more than life itself cheat on him with his best friend Roger and totally ruin our anniversary?

4. Where in St. Louis would be a good place to hide a body so that no one would would ever find it?

5. Email ridde answers ASAP to: wunderground@gmail.com particularly number four Winners will receive a used handgun and duffle bag.

Weari ng Mark Wrighton

“This is a great day for mankind,” said President of the World and Admiral of Awesomeness Jeffrey McDaniels, who is now married to Jessica Alba “I wish my mom was alive to see how successful I’ve become Oh wait, now she is!”

Wh ile some worr y about possible i nacc uracies i n what Wik ipedia pur ports to be t r ue but perhaps m ight not be, t h is is ridiculous because it says Wik ipedia is 100% acc urate right here on Wik ipedia! St upid worr y warts!

The founder of Wik ipedia was unavailable for com ment on t h is stor y, as he is now a n aardvark for some reason

New Course “Intro to Bullshit” to be Offered Next Semester

In response to ever-i ncreasi ng dema nd for t he sk ill set, a n all-new class Int roduct ion to Bullsh it will be offered at Wash i ng ton Un iversit y i n St Louis duri ng t he upcom i ng spri ng semester The America n Cult ural St udies Depart ment ’s latest addit ion prom ises to bri ng a whole new level of nonsense to the f o refr o nt o f thi s fin e uni ve r ssit y’s educat ional front ier, a nd will become a required course for polisci majors

Dr Diggles, t he professor for t he course, is one of t he leadi ng Bullsh it sc holars i n t he nat ion, a nd is perhaps best k now n for h is rivet i ng 57-page defense of t he Iraq War i n wh ic h he fails to state a si ngle fact or log ical poi nt He is “stoked as f uck” about h is opport u n it y to “shake up t he m i nds a nd lifest yles of t he nat ion’s most talented yout h ”

“You see what I did there?” he then said “Total bullshit and you didn’t even realize it I’m actually only marginally excited and I actually think very little of the students here We’ll cover flattery in week three ”

Int ro to Bullsh it will also take t hose few lucky st udents dow n t he excit i ng road of America n h istor y wit h a t wist St udents will be exposed to t he dirt y t r ut hs about t he people a nd polit ics of

America t hat reek of bullsh it i n t he most disg ust i ng ways imag i nable - October will deal wit h R ic hard Nixon Along t he way, st udents will develop a n i nt uit ive sense of how t hey t hemselves ca n implement various tec h n iques of bullsh it directly i nto t heir ow n daily lives, suc h as i n t heir college coursework, at the workplace, and even i n personal relat ionsh ips

“Fun fact about me,” Diggles said “I actually don’t like anyone But do my friends and family know that? Nope! Well, I guess now they do ”

The h istorical aspect of t he course covers ma ny fasci nat i ng topics i n America n h istor y from a u n ique perspect ive No longer are t he great men of America hailed merely as great men, but are i nstead regarded as great masters of bullsh it, wh ic h, accordi ng to Diggles, is equally com mendable i n t he eyes of most America n cit izens

For example, i n t he 1920’s, t he advocates of proh ibit ion used h igh ly adva nced bullsh it t i ng tec hn iques to m irac ulously pass t he Eighteent h Amendment, outlawi ng t he sale a nd ma nufact ure of alcohol Th is so -called “Noble Experiment ” really wasn’t noble at all a nd was i n fact ver y irritat i ng for most America ns It took t h irteen long years for

is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career The news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff:

Zack Pinsky Head of Humor

Jenna Stempel Archduchess of Aesthetic

David Drucker Webmaster

Aleya Broadway Bobby Harvey Ghost of Chiefs Past

Staff

Laura Beckman

t he pu n k s i n Congress to get t heir sh it toget her a nd restore t he right of t he cit izen r y to get decently sh itfaced whenever t hey pleased Isn’t t hat some bullsh it?

Integrated throughout the curriculum are fun and useful suggestions on how students can employ amateur bullshitting techniques into their own insignificant lives. The twelve lengthy essays required by the course are excellent tools for students to perfect the technique of writing bullshitt y compositions

“It is quite amusi ng because t he st udents are tak i ng a metaphysical approac h to t he whole t h i ng wit hout really realizi ng it They are adapt i ng t he bullsh itt i ng sk ills taught i n class to write bullsh it essays about bullsh it itself Th is overarc h i ng perspect ive provides a c hallenge for even t he most i nsight f ul of st udents, si nce u n like i n most classes, t hese essays are graded based on how lit tle t hey act ually say,” explai ns Dr. Diggles

The course will also feat ure a week-long foc us on act ual bull feces, a topic t hat i n no way relates to a ny of t he ot her content i n t he course

For more i n format ion, just take t he class Especially if you’re pla nn i ng on a career i n polit ics or Glen n Beck impersonat i ng

David Drucker

Jeff Leibovich

Andrew Luskin

Corie Miller

Princess of Pleasantry Lord of Levity Friar of Funny Sire of Satire

Aaron Senser

Carol Stoll

Duchess of Drollery Count of Comicality Baroness of Buffoonery

We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spellczech or flaunt it girl, email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group!

Exhausted Treasury Celebrates New Record For Most Money Ever Denied to Student Groups

The Washington University Student Treasury was pleased to announce today that they had managed to maintain an unprecedented 89% of the original budget over the course of the Fall 2010 semester. The record stinginess was “a proud achievement” for the Treasury, in addition to being “hella fun.”

“It was really a challenge,” said a fatigued but smiling Rick Tweedly, F6$",&6=%G6$,+0$)7:%HF*$6$%8$6$%0$/nitely a few clubs that came close, but we managed to vote most of them down.” Tweedly, along with the rest of the Treasury Committee, faced over 30 different budget appeals during the semester, and proudly succeeded in denying 94% of those any form of money whatsoever.

“The ones that we gave money to?” said junior member Lisa Flord, “Well, we did that whole trip to Chicago because everyone on the board wanted to go but didn’t have the money. The other appeal was for some community-volunteering group, so we gave them 50 bucks just for shits and giggles. I’m still kicking myself over that. It was a moment of weakness and I hope we don’t let it

happen again.”

“It’s a matter of responsibility” said Tweedly. “Imagine the chaos that would happen if students were simply allowed to create a group just because they wanted to! That type of free thinking needs to be discouraged, especially when they’re trying to take away our money. It’s just ,$2/,*%(5%7*$#1%6$"22=:3

Some of the groups that were denied funding included “Students For Orphan Support” and “Students For a Cure For AIDS.”

HF*(,$%78(%8$6$%0$/)+7$2=%,(#$% of the harder ones,” said Juan Gomez, a sophomore. “The group actually brought in a couple of starving, crying orphans to the appeal. A few members of the Committee started wavering, but they knew that the rest of the members would beat them up in the old abandoned alley after the meeting if they relented, so they eventually voted “no” with the rest of us. Hopefully those groups don’t join forces, because almost no one can resist AIDS orphans. They’re the worst!”

The Treasury Committee has 6$!$)72=%!(#$%&)0$6%/6$%56(#%").6=% student groups who weren’t able

By Linda McCartney, Junior

I see you carrying around your tote bag with the insignia of your ,(6(6+7=%"5/?$0%7(%+7:%I%#&,7%,"=%I%"#% rather perplexed at this display and can only assume that it is not a show of pride, for as you may know, my sorority is superior to your sorority.

The matter is as apparent as the physical differences between my kin and yours. My sisters are all very attractive and pleasing to gaze upon, whereas yours tend to resemble homely animals such as the cow or the spider monkey more than they do their true species (human, I presume). The breasts of my sisters also tend to be fuller and better shaped than those of yours, thus better suiting us for attracting the opposite gender sexually. A random sampling of males would surely indicate a preference for members of my sorority over members of your sorority, perhaps in part due to

WUnderground’s Guide to Snowballs

to function without any form of money. “Really, they shouldn’t be complaining,” said Tweedly. “It’s all 5(6%7*$+6%4$)$/7%")=8"=,:%D$%)$$0% to make sure that there’s enough money to last the entire year. Plus, any money that isn’t given out by the end is used so we can throw an awesome party. Treasury Committee members only though, you know how it is.”

As for next semester? “We’re hoping to retain 95% of the spring budget by cutting out WUnderground,” Tweedly continued. “No one cares about it anyways, and they’re so good-looking it intimi-

dates me. Plus, with the savings, 8$<22%/)"22=%4$%"42$%7(%6$'2"!$%"22% the Treasury members with coldhearted robots so we can just sit back in the sidelines and revel in the crushed dreams of thousands of students, which is really why we J(+)$0%F6$",&6=%+)%7*$%/6,7%'2"!$:3

When asked about the possibility of Treasury not allocating a single dollar to student groups, Tweedly made a funny face and then asked to be excused to change into a new pair of pants.

the breast issue I mentioned above.

But the superiority of the group (5%.+62,%7*"7%I%"5/2+"7$%#=,$25%8+7*% hardly ends with mere physical appearances. My sources tell me that the personalities of those counting themselves in my faction are 86% better than those of the girls in yours. My sisters are renowned around campus for their intelligence, campus involvement, and charm, while your sisters are somehow both slutty and prude, both in bad ways. Even the Greek letters themselves that collectively form our moniker are superior, gracing whatever surface they occupy with elegance and class. On the other hand, I’m not sure if your letters are even Greek at all.

I would enumerate further reasons why your sorority pales in comparison to mine, but alas I have an exciting social engagement with my sisters to attend to. Ta!

Paige Booker, Senior

Wow. You’ve made many excellent points, and I’m forced to concede the fact that your sorority is indeed better than mine. How could I have been so blind? We suck! The more I think about it, every girl in your sorority that I have come into contact with has been an unequivocally better person across the board than every single girl in my sorority, perhaps even combined. Holy shit.

All our petty squabbling over the past few years seems so silly now –thanks for putting up with us! I will certainly direct any future rushees your way if I deem their personality to be less abhorrent than my own. Wouldn’t wanna burden them with

my company!

I also must thank you for clearing up quite a bit of sexual confusion on the part of many of our sisters. We now at long last understand the reasons behind our across-theboard romantic failures that have dogged each and every one of us without exception for one hundred percent of our post-pubescent lives. It all makes sense now! Regarding our sorority letters, I admit that I am not able to answer your question about their origin as I, like most of my sisters, am illiterate. I must go now however, as I have a tote bag to burn.

Student Has Nice Day

=6&:1,$3&92&-.'.63&"''*#"3196#& -.,"-/16,&3$.&)93.631"::;&922.6 #15.&6"3*-.&92&!%6/.-,-9*6/>#& previous issue, we are proud 39&8-16,&;9*&?$"3&?.&#16'.-.:;& hope is an entirely inoffensive piece of news.

This past weekend Wash U student Michael Demarcus Kim-Al Fayed enjoyed a wholesome and entirely inoffensive Saturday. The day began when Michael, the son of a multiracial homosexual couple of different religious faiths and political orientations, woke up and decided to sing in a shower. His smooth baritone voice echoed through the dorm in such a way that was both profoundly masculine and delicately sensitive, in a manner that was pleasant to all. WUnderground sincerely hopes that the previous reference to Michael’s voice does not offend any deaf readers.

After showering, Michael hit the books for "%5$8%*(&6,%(5%0+5/!&27%=$7% intellectually stimulating study. “I want to do well in school and become a doctor so that I can help people all the beautiful people of this earth!” Michael explained with excitement. Of course, there are many different approaches to the understanding and practice of medicine. We at WUnderground do not discriminate against any other views, including but not limited to those held by Christian

scientists, spiritual shamans and tribal healers, advocates for alternative medicine, or my grandma who told me to put mustard in my socks to cure a cold.

Michael later headed to his fraternity house. There, the pleasant group of young men engaged in friendly banter, discussing at length the wonderful personalities of the various young women in their lives before deciding to head outside and smell B(8$6,:%>(#$%#"=%0$$#%7*+,% activity to be inconsiderate to 7*(,$%8+7*%B(8$6%"22$6.+$,1% and as such we at WUnderground wish it to be known that we in no way support or condone such behavior.

After bidding a fond farewell to his brothers, Michael went out to dinner with his girlfriend Priyanka and a few other friends. Things took an unexpected turn when his best friend Jose confessed to also having a romantic interest in Priyanka. Michael didn’t want to hurt Jose’s feelings by continuing to date Priyanka. But he also didn’t want to offend Priyanka by dumping her. They all decided that the best way to solve the problem was to go back to campus and have a threesome, which was both so intensely erotic and emotionally powerful that nobody even cared when Jose ejaculated slightly earlier than desirable. Of course, premature ejacula-

Jesus Christ; son of God, sandal enthusiast

“No one better give me any more damned socks for my birthday again this year.”

tion can happen to anybody, and the previous statement was not meant to imply anything about people of Jose’s race, religion, sexual orientation, height, weight, zodiac sign, or shoe size.

At the end of the day Michael and his friends bid each other farewell and went to bed. Before he fell asleep, Michael knelt at the corner of his bed and wished for world peace. (At this time we’d like to stop and apologize to any xenophobes, terrorists, Hollywood actors [Mel Gibson], dictators, angry teenagers with expansionist geopolitical aspirations, and any other readers who may have been offended by Michael’s wish for world peace.) He closed his eyes and drifted into a pleasant dream about balloons and rainbows.

On behalf of the entire staff "3&!%6/.-,-9*6/0&=&#16'.-.:;& hope you enjoyed this article. !.>/&:1@.&39&-.(16/&;9*&3$"30&16& 9*-&16'-."#16,:;&/15.-#.&?9-:/0& the best way to appreciate and -.'9,61A.&9*-&16/151/*":&/122.ences is to avoid censorship and )-.3.6/&3$.#.&/122.-.6'.#&/96>3& .B1#3&"3&"::C&D:#90&?.>/&:1@.&39& ")9:9,1A.&39&"6;89/;&?$9&?"#& 922.6/./&9-&"669;./&8;&3$.&:"-,.& 6*(8.-&92&")9:9,1.#&3$"3&'"6&8.& 29*6/&3$-9*,$9*3&3$1#&"-31':.C E:16/&-."/.-#&#$9*:/&@..)& their eyes open and be on the :99@9*3&29-&9*-&*)&"6/&'9(16,& Braille issue!