Girl Searches for “Cute, Funny, Creative, Sexy, Slutty, Unique”Halloween Costume, Comes Up Short
The only thing that Washington University in St. Louis sophomore Meredith Michaels wants to do is to impress her friends with the perfect Halloween costume this October. For college students in particular, Halloween is the perfect opportunity to compete with one another for mates by exposing as many body parts as possible to the wandering, intoxicated eyes— and hands— of the opposite sex. Naturally, this is why Michaels is determined to come up with the most overly-adjectived costume possible.
In typical college student fashion, the wholehearted fun of Halloween quickly devolves into another excuse for co-eds to gyrate upon each other while consuming an overabundance of alcoholic beverages. As if this isn’t enough fun, students typically partake in these activities while wearing little more than loincloths*. Yet sometimes even a loincloth is too much clothing for the sluttiest of the sluts. And this year, Michaels wants to take full advantage of this fucking awesome opportunity. She is determined that !"#$%&'!()&*+!,-&(&.!(/#&01+2&1+,& dammed loincloth ruined everything.
“I started researching costumes probably around early September. I would spend hours on Google images searching for, oh, I dunno, something different! Something cute yet funny with the right mix of creativity, and something really sexy at the same time, with undertones of seasonal fall sluttiness, and something original and unique
Surgeon
that no one has ever thought of before! I mean, how hard can it be?”
Evidently, pretty fucking hard, given what Michaels has come up with so far. “Meredith just never shuts up about her Halloween costume,” her roommate said yesterday. “ You’d think that by now, she would have just given up already. I swear that nothing in this world is cute, funny, creative, sexy, slutty, and unique all at the same time. Especially since what she’s come up with may be less than zero of those things. Actually, now that I think about it, the only thing that even slightly resembles all of those things is me. And she can’t be me for Halloween because I’m going to be me for Halloween!”
Contrary to her roommate’ s increasingly pessimistic attitude, Michaels’s search continues in earnest. She can often be found lurking in various basements around campus so that no one will steal her costume ideas. She will not tolerate another year of mediocre costumes, copycats… and disappointments.
“I know that everyone else wants a cute, funny, creative, sexy, slutty, and unique costume too. But no one else has my determination. Or my boobs.” Michaels’s search led her to consider options like dressing up as a sex therapist, or a grown-up-bad-girl Teletubby, or maybe even a disco-style robber.
“I mean, I could’ve just taken the easy way out and decided to be a ‘playful pussycat’ or a ‘whore’ or something, but
that is just so cliché, so 2009.”
With mere days left before the highly anticipated night of drunken ghost stories and fortuitous babymaking, Michaels is beginning to ;++'&)1+&<,+((3,+&#;&.2%$26&!&/#(tume that will both adequately impress her friends and provoke males to try to fornicate with her.
“It’s not everyday that I’m supposed to dress up like a slut and whore around in search of a man to violate me, even if it is everyday that I do.”
Lucky for Michaels, the fraternities around campus wholeheartedly support these ventures year-round! They don’t need a commercialized fall holiday to condone binge drinking and fucking. Thank goodness for misogyny.
As Halloween quickly approaches, Michaels feels that she has found the ultimate Halloween costume. A costume so original, so unique and sexy, so creative and funny and interesting, that it will literally blow your socks off, and then blow your pants off.
“Let’s just say it might kill you,” she said with a sly wink. “Just kidding! …Or am I?”
As of press time, Michaels no longer has any friends.
* A recent study performed by the psychology department at Washington University in St. Louis has concluded that there is an inverse relationship between the size of Halloween costumes in women and their ages. This inverse relationship quickly and completely reverses itself around the time most women begin to identify themselves as “ classy.”
General: Eating Excessive Amounts of Candy on Halloween is Awesome
Surgeon general Regina Benjamin warned the populace yesterday that the common practice of consuming exorbitant amounts of candy on halloween has been demonstrated to be awesome in /'$2$/!'&()3%$+(4&51+&.2%$26(7& which were refreshingly consistent across the board, are a huge victory for fatasses and lardos alike. Although for many it will not change their eating habits on the noble holiday, feelings of nauseated guilt and remorse after downing one’s weight in trans fat will now be pleasantly replaced with just nausea, a feeling the surgeon general assures, is totally okay.
89&)+()+%&)1$(&.2%$26&)1+& only participants whose testimony I can trust: myself,” Ben-
jamin said. “And I tell ya, it was pretty fucking awesome.”
When asked if she only took the job of surgeon general because it afforded her with the opportunity to eat lots of candy, she winked slyly.
The news has been met with overwhelmingly positive reactions from the general public, who had largely guessed that the practice might be “cool” or “fucking sweet, no pun intended! Haha, just kidding, pun intended” already. Still, :!2*&0+,+&6'!%&!)&)1+&(/$+2)$./& /#2.,:!)$#2&#;&)1+$,&(3(<$/$#2(4&
“Psh, yea I totally knew it was awesome already,” boasted Arnold Collins, 46 while lying on his deathbed from diabetes. “That’s why I’ve been doing it every year!”
Collins isn’t alone. Indeed,
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Student Comes Home with 5 King Sized Snickers, 4 Pounds of Candy, and 2 STDs After Epic Halloween
the practice of eating candy until one becomes nauseous, at which point a previously decided upon friend force-feeds candy into one’s half-conscious mouth up to the point of being one Milky Way short of the lethal dose, has become commonplace. To be sure, Benjamin asserts that such habits are not only perfectly healthy, but pretty badass as well.
“Not only is eating chocolate up to the point where it is '$)+,!''*&##=$26)&#;&#,$./+(& through which it makes no anatomical sense to be traveling totally awesome,” Benjamin says, “but I would go so far as to say that not doing so is weak sauce.”
“Booooooooooooooooooo!” she continued. “I can’t wait to
totally gorge myself with candy this halloween haha!” said Collins jovially. “Or at least, that’s what I would be saying if the doctors told me I had any chance of surviving till then.”
Those who will be alive this halloween however, are sure to make it the best one yet. Candy sales since the announcement have skyrocketed across the board, except for Almond Joys, which Benjamin declared not only aren’t awesome, but will probably kill you after one bite.
“Make this halloween count!” Benjamin concluded excitedly at the end of her press conference. “Especially those of you who, like me, will be dying shortly.”
Top Ten Rejected Halloween
Costume
Ideas and Why
10. Sexy Oil Spill - too sexy
9. Unsexy Nurse - lacked !"#$%&'()*&'$+%&,$-.
8. Professor Grubbly-Plank’s son Malcolm - son actually named Michael
7. Realistic Headless Horseman - dead
6. Creeper: no costume required! - jail :-(
5. Gonorrheabecame too real
4. Vampirefather killed by vampire
3. Flathead screwdriverPhilips screwdriver way cooler
2. A guy who can get laidinfeasible
1. Mummy-centaur crossbreed from the future at a 70’s party - can’t be same thing as roommate!