Everyone But You Had Sex Last Night
Reports confirmed what you had always feared might happen, when every single person at WashU besides you had sexual intercourse last night. Although you figured the likelihood of such an occurrence was slim to nil what with, you know, general probability and such, it shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s seen you in action talking up the opposite sex. Honestly, what the hell were you doing out there?
The night was neither atypical nor boring for you. You drank with some friends, awkwardly dropped by a couple of dorm parties, and over fries at Bear’s Den even made a semi-witty remark to some friends, which although due to poor delivery totally flopped, was totally on the right track. Yet when the dust settled and you were comfortably in your bed alone, wondering where your roommate was and wishing the racket coming from next door would subside, a thought occurred to you: geez I really hope I’m not the only one not
having sex right now. Very prescient!
Sources say the unusually high number of couplings last night was a combination of preexisting relationships and really good chemistry among many attractive, charming individuals. It just goes to show that there really is someone out there for everybody. Oh. Well almost everybody.
“Yea, I had sex last night,” reported junior Sean McElroy. “Didn’t you?”
Although the specifics of the various instances of intercourse differed in location, position, nature of relationship, and kinkiness, reports around campus overwhelmingly regarded the experience as positive.
“It was really good,” McElroy said. “Sure beats not having sex.”
The minority position you occupied on the relations front last night wasn’t due to lack of trying. You could’ve easily gotten with Jamie Weber from your psychology class if you hadn’t totally fucked it up at that party. Like honestly, whatever
shit you said was probably one of the only things you could have said short of Nazi propaganda that would’ve blown it for you. And Casey totally has a crush on you too, but you really shouldn’t have farted so loudly.
“Shit,” you said frustratingly after being informed of the improbable magnitude of your sexual futility and frustration. “I specifically chose a school with an even number of students so this wouldn’t happen. What are the odds that eight threesomes and a fivesome go down on the same night?”
Just high enough evidently. There’s always tomorrow night. Odds are, not everyone will be game for a round two. But then again, the odds haven’t exactly been in your favor recently now have they? Monday, though. There’s always Monday for some solidarity. And so goes your search for the silver lining that inevitably fails and ends in tearful masturbation. But hey, it’s an orgasm!`
NAACP-Backed Zombie Candidate Wins Senate Seat
The NAACP had another victory last month, as a politician from a little known minority was elected to the U.S. senate in an emergency election, a first for Montana, and a first for the country. Bartholomew Collins, a ZombieAmerican, beat out veteran politician and live human being Mike Shields by a wide margin to secure his seat on the senate floor after the incumbent senator was mauled to death in a freak accident that was probably just that – an accident.
Collins was an instant crowd favorite when he appeared on the scene last July. At a town hall meeting, he was quoted as promising voters more “Braaaiiinnnns” and was met with thunderous applause.
Mary Tolga, who works for the NAACP and heavily advocated for Collins, explained, “You know, it’s great that there is a can-
didate who recognizes the need to de-politicize Washington in favor of an emphasis on rational discussion. [Collins] expressed this sentiment beautifully by summing it up in one word: ‘Brains’. So simple, yet so profound.”
Renée Stroll, a campaign advisor and fellow NAACP member, said of the strategy: “As Obama ran his campaign on a promise of ‘Change’, we ran on a promise of ‘Brains.’ It was Collins’s idea from the start. He just reiterated it again and again, almost to the point of not being physically able to say or think about anything else. This is a proud day for the NAACP. As the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, we are always happy to have a new minority in government, be they black like Obama, or a greenish, yellowish, grayish tint like Bartholomew.”
According to extrapolations from 1680 data, the Zombie-American population currently makes up about 0.7% of the American population, and the AssFUC, or Association For Undead Citizens, has been a staunch advocate for this small minority, working in conjunction with the NAACP. Carmen Sanchez, President of AssFUC, stated in a press release, “For too long, ZombieAmericans have been the victims of slander, negative portrayals in movies, and shotgun blasts to the head. Collins’s election is a giant step in the right direction. America after all is a place where all people deserve rights and representation in government, regardless of whether or not Satan is prolonging their natural stay on Earth for the purpose of bringing about a war of apocalyptic proportions and destroying the very fabric of humanity. Brraaaiiiinnnnssssss.”
Exclamation Point Inserted In Headline Just For The Hell Of It!
page 428
Physicist Threatens World With Weapon Nobody Understands
The city of St. Louis, perhaps the entire nation, perhaps the entire world, perhaps the entire universe—we don’t actually know— has been pushed to the brink of total annihilation—maybe—by a Washington University professor, Karl T. Hodenjaeger, who has developed a terrifying weapon-like thing that’s really hard to understand.
Dr. Hodenjaeger is a researcher in theoretical physics, focusing on some crazy shit that deals with bosons and large hardons and mediocre fermions that mirror all matter or something. This research is believed to underlie the development of his weapon, which works by activating some gravity wave-like thing sur-
rounding a circle of atoms and stuff, releasing a metric fuck-ton of energy and converting a sciencey thing into a darker sciencey thing that is apparently right-handed, which will, for some reason, kill us all.
“I have constructed a device with the ability to transform and destroy matter,” Dr. Hodenjaeger announced in a video he released describing his demands. “With a flip of this switch, the process will begin. All matter will be induced to flow through the hidden phi dimension by use of resonant Denali waves, converting matter into pure energy and time. The decay of the loose states will be irreversible.”
Dr. Hodenjaeger’s threat is intensified by the fact that nobody
understands what the device can do. “There’s math that uses these symbols that I’ve never seen before,” said weapons analyst Herman York. “Is that a fucking schwa?”
“Just give him what he wants,” York continued, “as long as I don’t have to think about this anymore.”
Physicists contacted by WUnderground were divided on whether the weapon could work. “I don’t think so,” said Caltech researcher Peter Ho. “By my calculations, the universe has already exploded.”
Dr. Hodenjaeger’s colleagues are not surprised that he has decided to hold the world hostage. “He’s always been whining about his job,” commented fellow physicist Joseph Clark, “and lately he was just walking around cackling and rubbing his hands together. Although really, that makes him more socially adjusted than most physics researchers.”
“I have had enough of these empty promises,” Dr. Hodenjaeger continued in his video. “Give me these things or perish: I want a later lecture session - ten in the morning is too early. I want a new office—one with windows. I want hotter TA’s; i.e. Stacey needs to go. And I want to go through the chancellor’s closet and pick out three suits that I like.”
“We cannot give in,” Chancellor Wrighton commented after receiving Dr. Hodenjaeger’s demands. “These are tailored suits. They wouldn’t even fit him.”
Male Students Plan First Showing of Penis Monologues
Wash U’s “Misogynists Anonymous” Club shocked everyone last night when they revealed plans for a new one-man show titled The Penis Monologues.
“We’ve had to face tons of unfair sexism these past years, as we of the male gender have always faced throughout history,” commented club founder Dirk Biffington. “And it’s time that we rise up and put an end to it. If that shitty play about vaginas could get pretty good reviews, I figured its phallic equivalent should see similar success.”
Indeed, Biffington anticipates better attendance for this show than last year’s production of The Vagina Monologues at Wash U. “Vaginas
are just icky,” explained Biffington, who is also head costume designer of Penis. “I mean, the penis is sooo much more beautiful…and large… and throbbing…oh god, YES!”
Junior Greg Trundy will be playing the head role of “Dude.” “It’s gonna be awesome!” he exclaimed.
“It’s just two hours of me standing up on stage talking about the girls I’ve banged! What more could you want?”
Unfortunately, not all students are looking forward to the show, including Sophomore Tina Simms.
“Personally, I think it’s completely disgusting,” she says, taking a break from her current blowjob. “Vagina Monologues was an inspiring speech about femininity and beauty.
Plus, a two-hour show? Trust me, Greg can’t even last 5 minutes.”
The club has also received some criticism from its ad covering the entire underpass, depicting a giant penis squirting out the words “Cum see the show!”
“I don’t see what the big problem is. It’s not like no one’s seen a dick before,” said Trundy. “Besides, Dirk really liked it, so it must be a good idea.”
Tickets go on sale next month, but the club doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon. They plan to use the revenue from the show to help fund their annual “Forest Park Molest-a-thon.” “Trust me,” smiles Dirk. “You’re going to be seeing a lot of us, and our dicks, in the future.”
Trip To Go Get Some Food Goes
Horribly, Horribly Wrong
When freshman Cindy Reynolds left her room in Eliot House last Wednesday and headed north towards Bear’s Den in attempts to gain some culinary nourishment, she never expected the routine trip to go horribly, horribly wrong. Well, maybe Cindy just sucks at expecting, because it totally did.
“Oh it was horrible,” assured witness Kevin Weatley. “Just hor-
rible...” When prompted for further details, Weatley vomited profusely. He no longer believes in God. According to roommate Katherine Shelley, Reynolds had gotten food many times in the past incident-free. She even went so far as to say that Reynolds had eaten food nearly every day this school year. “I texted her to see if she’d get me some fries...”
The Missouri National Guard was called in to assault the professor’s office, but the plan was called off, as the professor has tenure.
The most recent terrorist threat from a Washington University professor came in 2004, when creative writing professor Jeffrey Young threatened to unleash an explosive best-seller that turned out to be a dud.
is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential aspirations. The news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff
Zack Pinsky Chief of Everything
Aleya Broadway Chief of Staff
Jenna Stempel Chief of Making Shit Pretty
Bobby Harvey Ghost of Chiefs Past Staff
David Drucker
Rahul Kohli
Jeff Leibovich
Andrew Luskin
Corie Miller
Aaron Senser
Taryn Sirias
Carol Stoll
We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spellczech or flaunt it, girl, email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group!
Shelley began before stuttering and pausing, unsure of how to finish her thought. “Bitch didn’t get me the fries.”
Though details from the night remain fuzzy, sources indicate that FEMA was involved somehow. Further rumors have spread around campus that Reynolds’s trip involved a polar bear attack, a slightly overcooked burger, an irritating conver-
sation with that guy with the glasses, and inexplicably, Alzheimer’s disease.
“Well that’s not the way you want your food run to go!” commented sophomore Andy Langley upon hearing of the story. “The key is to avoid eye contact with him ‘cause he usually won’t approach a conversation cold. That really is horrible.”
Reynolds was unavailable for comment because she’s dead.
Dumbass Student Wastes
Entire Afternoon Studying For Test He Could’ve Cheated On
Idiot freshman Tyler Whitaker totally squandered his Sunday afternoon last weekend studying despite better options available. The studying, which occurred despite numerous games and porn readily accessible to the Chicago native, was characterized as “lame,” and “fucking lame” by his roommates. They remain perplexed.
“I...I don’t...why...what... huh?” sputtered roommate Randy Wood upon observing the 5 Haloless hours of his roommate’s life. “I don’t really know what to say. I guess even moderate to considerably lame people like Tyler can act completely fucking lame at times. An important lesson.”
The cheating would’ve been all too easy, according to sources privy to the subject. Writing key notes on his arms, pretending to molest a female classmate while actually peeking at her answers,
and setting a diversionary fire in the neighboring room to cause a commotion during which he’d either copy a friend’s answers amidst the chaos or simply find and steal the answer key, were all viable options. Instead, this little bitch took the test straight up, kept his eyes on his own paper, and probably got a handful of questions wrong in the process. Justin Huang was sitting right next to him not covering his paper at all and that kid’s a fucking genius! What were you thinking Tyler?!?
“He didn’t cheat off me?” Huang asked in disbelief. “Shit, even I cheated off me. And that doesn’t even make any sense!”
“Well I just think in general it’s better to do things with integrity,” Whitaker responded when asked to explain his actions. “Besides, there’s no pride in getting a good grade you don’t deserve.”
What a fucking pussy! Some
Why Do We Like It When Our Roommate Goes Out of Town?
Stories about “getting some” more plausible
Able to sit in roommate’s chair without permission!
Flatulence more acceptable
Makes video-chatting with roommate less weird
investigative reporting revealed that the studying isn’t the only aspect of Whitaker’s life that’s totally weak sauce. Background checks show that in high school Whitaker volunteered at a retirement home (without pay!), refrained from using illicit drugs, and even befriended someone different than him.
When told of these shocking activities, Wood remained unfazed. “The fucked-up thing is that that doesn’t even surprise me,” he ad-
mitted. “Just last Tuesday I was passed out on my bed with Tyler in the room, and I woke up without a single penis drawn on my face. Well, none that weren’t already there.”
With another exam looming in two weeks, Whitaker shows little sign of altering his unorthodox approach to testing. “Wait Tyler has another test coming up?” other roommate Frank Livingston inquired. “That does it, time to take action. I’m shitting in his textbooks.”
Ghetto-Raised Frat Guy Takes Receiving of Pledge Father Way Too Emotionally
The announcement of pledge families is traditionally a jovial and light-hearted occasion upon which soon-to-be fraternity brothers who enjoy a particularly strong bond with one another are given ceremonial titles of kinship. However, when fraternity pledge John Darley was informed of his pledge father last Tuesday at his frat house on upper row, the streethardened freshman totally broke down, embarrassing everyone involved.
“Yea John totally lost it when
we told him,” said junior Ben Flowers, a member of the frat. “And not in the enthusiastic, socially acceptable way. In the holy-fuck-thisis-awkward-as-shit kind of way.”
The experience was particularly uncomfortable for Darley’s pledge father, sophomore Roger Langley, who was met with the announcement by a bear hug from Darley, during which Darley exclaimed “I know you won’t leave me!” through tears. The discomfort was exacerbated by Darley’s boner.
In such a critical point in the history of our planet, it is crucial that we make every effort toward the preservation of our Earth and its natural resources. As such, Washington University should take the lead among academic institutions and enact more policies that promote green living and environmentally responsible waste management. The recycling program we have now is a good start, but we can go further. Composting and other methods of natural biodegradation are
By Todd Glizer, Sophomore
great ways to minimize our carbon footprints and give back to an Earth from which we have taken so, so much. As the future leaders of the country and world, who better than us to set the example from which the rest of the populace can follow? Let us move forward in this tumultuous time, and allow our children to breathe air free of environmental pollutants, drink water free of dangerous chemical pesticides, and enjoy a world of environmental prosperity for generations to come.
“I mean I knew John had a rough childhood,” Langley said. “But I don’t see why I should be burdened with that. I really don’t feel like taking him to the zoo next Sunday.” Langley has already been pestered by Darley with requests to play catch and to teach him how to shave. He attempted to defer some of these tasks to Darley’s pledge uncle, but was rebuked by Darley who explained he already has an uncle.
Darley went on to say that although he knew this day would come
eventually and had fantasized how it might go down in his head a thousand times, the experience was nevertheless overwhelming. “I had just always imagined being reintroduced to my dad during some sort of parade in his honor for bravery for being kidnapped by terrorists in the middle of the night and enslaved on an island off the coast of Pakistan for 13 years before executing a daring escape. So I was taken a little off guard. But this is good too.” As of press time, Darley’s biological father still doesn’t love him.
Oh my gosh, shut up Todd. Seriously dude, you’re always talking. It needs to stop. I already have to endure your constant holier-than-thou blabbing in person, but now I have to read it in print too? Stop talking. Stop writing. Pretty much just stop communicating altogether. What? No, don’t respond! Stop it! Lalalalalala I can’t hear you. God do I envy the deaf. Don’t you have any friends you can talk to who are willing to endure your company? Because I can’t.
Shut Up, Todd
Brad Gosevich, Senior
Oy, I have a headache now. Are you happy, Todd? I officially have a headache. Well done. If giving me a headache was the goal of your little diatribe there, then well done. Mission afuckingcomplished. Geez. Y’know what, I’ll bet you don’t have any friends. That’s why it’s always me who ends up on the receiving end of the conversational equivalent of prolonged rape. Just my luck, of course. In conclusion, lest I have been unclear in my point here, shut up. Oh, and you’re ugly too.
How Are We Responding to the Bad Economy?
New Addictions Caused By Smoking Ban
Selling my body... Oh, I guess that’s prostitution
Masturbation Eating bugs I find... Except I don’t get paid for that
Suitemate’s Coming-Out Announcement Not As Dramatic As He Had Hoped
Sophomore Randy Strindberg’s emotional, heavily rehearsed coming-out speech to his suitemates last night didn’t have quite the impact he intended, as his suitemates merely shrugged off the news and continued about their nightly activities. Strindberg, who had planned out the details of the announcement meticulously for the past three months, was somewhat peeved at the apparent low interest in his sexual preference.
“I mean I dunno what I expected; some shock, some questions, maybe even a bit of outrage,” Strindberg said. “No one even uttered a hurtful epithet, and I had this whole speech condemning homophobia prepared too!”
Every detail of the night was thought out in advance by the San Francisco native. All his suitemates were present, the overcast skies and high humidity mirrored the weather of the day of Strindberg’s first gay experience, and Gossip Girls was a rerun. However, he had little to show for his efforts.
Suitemates Ronald Everett and Danny Hartrow turned down the volume of “Friends” four notches in response to the announcement. Gary Thurman delayed urination several minutes out of respect for the declaration. Eric Nguyen actually turned around in his chair for a minute to face Strindberg while he was talking, before quickly determining that it was not in fact worth his attention. Lloyd Bergson farted loudly in the middle of the speech,
but was otherwise respectful. Their general reaction was one of indifference rather than surprise.
“Well sure Randy’s gay,” Hartrow said later that night. “There are pictures on the internet that show it rather explicitly. What, does he think we don’t check Facebook?”
“Psh, the pope’s gotten with more girls than Randy has,” Bergson asserted. “Although less guys probably. What I’m trying to say is that Randy’s gay. Because the pope is celibate. Ah, fuck you anyway.”
Nguyen was more sympathetic. “All I’m saying is, it might have had a more dramatic effect if the Justin Timberlake poster in his room featured a bit more clothing. And Randy’s earring,” he added, counting on his fingers. “and his choice of clothing. And the fact that he always hooks up with dudes.”
10. Crack. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, WASHU?
9. Chewing nicotine patches.
8. Drawing lots of dicks (don’t ask).
7. Masturbating to cigarettes online.
6. Smoking pipes instead. What? Damnit!
5. Furtive smoking.
4. Resenting Authority. Oh, you said new?
3. Inhaling air outside the library.
2. Crack again, to reiterate how frequently I do it.
1. Inhaling air between forefingers and imagining really hard.
George Washington; former president, guy on quarter
Then what will the slaves grow?