Yea, well we didn’t miss you either. Volume 7, Issue 1
October 20, 2010
check or money order only
Everyone But You Had Sex Last Night Reports confirmed what you had always feared might happen, when every single person at WashU besides you had sexual intercourse last night. Although you figured the likelihood of such an occurrence was slim to nil what with, you know, general probability and such, it shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s seen you in action talking up the opposite sex. Honestly, what the hell were you doing out there? The night was neither atypical nor boring for you. You drank with some friends, awkwardly dropped by a couple of dorm parties, and over fries at Bear’s Den even made a semi-witty remark to some friends, which although due to poor delivery totally flopped, was totally on the right track. Yet when the dust settled and you were comfortably in your bed alone, wondering where your roommate was and wishing the racket coming from next door would subside, a thought occurred to you: geez I really hope I’m not the only one not
having sex right now. Very prescient! Sources say the unusually high number of couplings last night was a combination of preexisting relationships and really good chemistry among many attractive, charming individuals. It just goes to show that there really is someone out there for everybody. Oh. Well almost everybody. “Yea, I had sex last night,” reported junior Sean McElroy. “Didn’t you?” Although the specifics of the various instances of intercourse differed in location, position, nature of relationship, and kinkiness, reports around campus overwhelmingly regarded the experience as positive. “It was really good,” McElroy said. “Sure beats not having sex.” The minority position you occupied on the relations front last night wasn’t due to lack of trying. You could’ve easily gotten with Jamie Weber from your psychology class if you hadn’t totally fucked it up at that party. Like honestly, whatever
shit you said was probably one of the only things you could have said short of Nazi propaganda that would’ve blown it for you. And Casey totally has a crush on you too, but you really shouldn’t have farted so loudly. “Shit,” you said frustratingly after being informed of the improbable magnitude of your sexual futility and frustration. “I specifically chose a school with an even number of students so this wouldn’t happen. What are the odds that eight threesomes and a fivesome go down on the same night?” Just high enough evidently. There’s always tomorrow night. Odds are, not everyone will be game for a round two. But then again, the odds haven’t exactly been in your favor recently now have they? Monday, though. There’s always Monday for some solidarity. And so goes your search for the silver lining that inevitably fails and ends in tearful masturbation. But hey, it’s an orgasm!`
NAACP-Backed Zombie Candidate Wins Senate Seat
The NAACP had another victory last month, as a politician from a little known minority was elected to the U.S. senate in an emergency election, a first for Montana, and a first for the country. Bartholomew Collins, a ZombieAmerican, beat out veteran politician and live human being Mike Shields by a wide margin to secure his seat on the senate floor after the incumbent senator was mauled to death in a freak accident that was probably just that – an accident. Collins was an instant crowd favorite when he appeared on the scene last July. At a town hall meeting, he was quoted as promising voters more “Braaaiiinnnns” and was met with thunderous applause. Mary Tolga, who works for the NAACP and heavily advocated for Collins, explained, “You know, it’s great that there is a can-
didate who recognizes the need to de-politicize Washington in favor of an emphasis on rational discussion. [Collins] expressed this sentiment beautifully by summing it up in one word: ‘Brains’. So simple, yet so profound.” Renée Stroll, a campaign advisor and fellow NAACP member, said of the strategy: “As Obama ran his campaign on a promise of ‘Change’, we ran on a promise of ‘Brains.’ It was Collins’s idea from the start. He just reiterated it again and again, almost to the point of not being physically able to say or think about anything else. This is a proud day for the NAACP. As the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, we are always happy to have a new minority in government, be they black like Obama, or a greenish, yellowish, grayish tint like Bartholomew.”
According to extrapolations from 1680 data, the Zombie-American population currently makes up about 0.7% of the American population, and the AssFUC, or Association For Undead Citizens, has been a staunch advocate for this small minority, working in conjunction with the NAACP. Carmen Sanchez, President of AssFUC, stated in a press release, “For too long, ZombieAmericans have been the victims of slander, negative portrayals in movies, and shotgun blasts to the head. Collins’s election is a giant step in the right direction. America after all is a place where all people deserve rights and representation in government, regardless of whether or not Satan is prolonging their natural stay on Earth for the purpose of bringing about a war of apocalyptic proportions and destroying the very fabric of humanity. Brraaaiiiinnnnssssss.”
WUnderground Writers Return From Totally Legitimate SixMonth Journalistic Retreat in Thailand page 18
New Freshmen Class Hottest Since 1994, Reports Creepy Old Man
page 428
Exclamation Point Inserted In Headline Just For The Hell Of It! page 11b
Hilarious Dusty-Car Penis Artist Strikes Again page 4.5
Idiot Deaf Student Still Dancing After Music Turned Off page 7
Petrificus Totalus, Wingardium Leviosa Ineffective in Combatting ED, New Study Finds page 3-19