Remembering things so you don’t have to! Volume 6, Issue 3
January 2010, baby!
one commemorative figurine
U.S. Department of Homeland Security: ‘ Yo u r b a b y m i g h t b e t e r r o r i s t ’
Aug. 8, 2002 -- The CIA estimates that as many as 80 billion women in the United States may have inadvertently given birth to terrorists, a number that has jumped 80 billion percent in the past year alone. To alert innocent citizens of the precious little bundles of terror they may be caring for and nurturing, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has released the following tips for determining whether your baby is a terrorist. · Instructing your child to pick his favorite color, give him a bomb to defuse. If he picks the red wire, he has attempted to set off the bomb and is likely a terrorist. · Does your baby know the current terror alert level? Most babies do not; only a terrorist-baby would. · As a precaution, put your baby through the x-ray scanner before flying to ensure he is not concealing any explosives. · Most children learn how to walk
at one year of age. If your baby takes his first steps before this age, he may have honed his motor skills in an insurgent training camp. · However, if your baby crawls often he may be training to maneuver under barbed wire. · If you discover that your baby has stockpiled weapons and ammunition, do not be alarmed; he is merely a freedom-loving Second Amendment advocate. · Most babies have grim facial expressions. If your baby smiles frequently, he may be trying to gain
Helpless infant or freedom-hating Jihadist?
your trust so that he can stab you in the back. · Only terrorists refuse to take part in the timeless American tradition that is wearing a lapel pin shaped like the American flag. If your baby lacks a flag pin, he could be a terrorist. · If your baby turns his head when he hears your voice, be suspicious. Only the government should be listening to your private conversations. · Babies typically gargle before they learn to speak. If this gargling sounds like Arabic to you, your baby may be a terrorist. On the other hand, he could be an undercover CIA agent posing as a terrorist. · As a precaution, do not show your child “Baby Einstein” DVDs; he may develop the nuclear physics knowledge necessary to design and construct a nuclear weapon. · Does your baby have a thick beard? This may be a sign of a hormone imbalance. Consult a doctor.
Tr a g e d y s t r i k e s n a t i o n Sept. 11, 2001 -- Tragedy rocked the nation this morning when a Bichon Frise named Lola hijacked the Westminster Dog Show to win Best In Show--upsetting crowd favorite and front runner Chidley Willum, a Schipperke. As the winner was announced, the scene at show venue Madison Square Garden descended into sheer chaos. Amid confusion and fear, thousands of innocent audience members fought desperately to escape the hellish reality the once unassuming dog show had become. A representative for the Madison Square Garden parking authority said hundreds of vehicles might still be trapped in
traffic trying to exit the parking lot, while an unknown number of people might yet remain inside the building with little hope of escaping in time for lunch. “I’m shocked. I’m angry. I’m saddened. I’m hungry.” said Tanya Leon, a self-described dog-enthusiast and patriot, who is from Manhattan. “The Bichon had a stilted gait and was clearly less charismatic than the Shipperke. The Shipperke was immaculate. Look at those haunches! The judge who made this decision will burn in hell.” “Devastation does not begin to describe it,” added Leon’s sister, Julia Rathe. Rathe, who is from Mil-
waukee, Wis., joined Leon at the dog show today for what they believed would be an enjoyable excursion in the city. They, like the millions of Americans who have been shaken to the core by the events of this morning, never expected the pandemonium and terror they witnessed. Some experts are already calling the events that unfolded an “era defining moment,” and the President of the AKC Herb Anderson issued a similar statement this afternoon. “Not once has the crowd favorite lost to such an unknown contender,” he said in an emergency press conference. “The world, I fear, will never be the same again.”
2005: “FEMA trucks bound for New Orleans take wrong turn, rescue Ontario” page 18
2000: “ELIAN!” page 428
2006: “Interview: John Edward’s inspiring devotion to Elizabeth” page 11b
2000: “George W. Bush victorious in narrow defeat” page 4.5
2004: “Three starve to death in line for ‘American Idol’ Auditions” page 7
2001: “Special feature: The Backstreet Boys— Shirtless! [pages 3-19]” page 3-19
2007: “Internet collapses under weight of porn” page 68f
Amid interplanetary strife, twins born to clearly unfit parents May 8, 2005--In an apparent desperate cry for attention, former galactic Senator Padmé Amidala (D-Alderaan) died Tuesday evening. Evidently she forgot that she had two infants to raise. After moaning and groaning her way through the delivery of twins-one boy and one girl--Amidala died without any evident cause or symptoms of ailment. Some experts report she died of a broken heart, but other experts are calling those experts “foolish” and “jack-
asses.” However it happened, one can only imagine that by dying Amidala has probably condemned her children to a lifetime of frustrating identity confusion culminating in a semi-incestuous relationship and a harrowing escape from death at the hands of the villainous, robotic shell of their once hunky father. Amidala’s death is but part of a long series of mishaps set into motion by the near collapse of the
Galactic Republic at the hands of those god-forsaken clones. After swearing his loyalty to the painfully obviously evil Chancellor Palpatine and going through a kind of Gothy makeover, Amidala’s steroid-fueled husband Anakin Skywalker went on a murderous spree, killing dozens of people, dozens more creepy human-like people and even some freaky monster-looking alien things. And then he killed over twenty younglings, just to show
them who was boss. Skywalker was later hunted down by his mentor, a sexy Ewan McGregor-type who allegedly used his superhuman force to weepingly destroy his protégé. Cutting off his arms and letting him boil on the surface of Tennessee’s lava lake, McGregor left the young, once strapping lad to become a hideous, boily monstrosity. Witnesses reportedly threw up a little bit in their mouths, and Skywalker was allegedly rescued by his now openly evil master. Demonstrating a true lack of parental attachment to his children, Skywalker abandoned them and fled to study the Dark Side of the Force.