U.S. Department of Homeland Security: ‘Your baby might be terrorist’
Aug. 8, 2002 -- The CIA estimates that as many as 80 billion women in the United States may have inadvertently given birth to terrorists, a number that has jumped 80 billion percent in the past year alone.
To alert innocent citizens of the precious little bundles of terror they may be caring for and nurturing, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has released the following tips for determining whether your baby is a terrorist.
· Instructing your child to pick his favorite color, give him a bomb to defuse. If he picks the red wire, he has attempted to set off the bomb and is likely a terrorist.
· Does your baby know the current terror alert level? Most babies do not; only a terrorist-baby would.
· As a precaution, put your baby through the x-ray scanner before flying to ensure he is not concealing any explosives.
· Most children learn how to walk
at one year of age. If your baby takes his first steps before this age, he may have honed his motor skills in an insurgent training camp.
· However, if your baby crawls often he may be training to maneuver under barbed wire.
· If you discover that your baby has stockpiled weapons and ammunition, do not be alarmed; he is merely a freedom-loving Second Amendment advocate.
· Most babies have grim facial expressions. If your baby smiles frequently, he may be trying to gain
your trust so that he can stab you in the back.
· Only terrorists refuse to take part in the timeless American tradition that is wearing a lapel pin shaped like the American flag. If your baby lacks a flag pin, he could be a terrorist.
· If your baby turns his head when he hears your voice, be suspicious. Only the government should be listening to your private conversations.
· Babies typically gargle before they learn to speak. If this gargling sounds like Arabic to you, your baby may be a terrorist. On the other hand, he could be an undercover CIA agent posing as a terrorist.
· As a precaution, do not show your child “Baby Einstein” DVDs; he may develop the nuclear physics knowledge necessary to design and construct a nuclear weapon.
· Does your baby have a thick beard? This may be a sign of a hormone imbalance. Consult a doctor.
Tragedy strikes nation
Sept. 11, 2001 -- Tragedy rocked the nation this morning when a Bichon Frise named Lola hijacked the Westminster Dog Show to win Best In Show--upsetting crowd favorite and front runner Chidley Willum, a Schipperke.
As the winner was announced, the scene at show venue Madison Square Garden descended into sheer chaos. Amid confusion and fear, thousands of innocent audience members fought desperately to escape the hellish reality the once unassuming dog show had become. A representative for the Madison Square Garden parking authority said hundreds of vehicles might still be trapped in
traffic trying to exit the parking lot, while an unknown number of people might yet remain inside the building with little hope of escaping in time for lunch.
“I’m shocked. I’m angry. I’m saddened. I’m hungry.” said Tanya Leon, a self-described dog-enthusiast and patriot, who is from Manhattan. “The Bichon had a stilted gait and was clearly less charismatic than the Shipperke. The Shipperke was immaculate. Look at those haunches! The judge who made this decision will burn in hell.”
“Devastation does not begin to describe it,” added Leon’s sister, Julia Rathe. Rathe, who is from Mil-
waukee, Wis., joined Leon at the dog show today for what they believed would be an enjoyable excursion in the city. They, like the millions of Americans who have been shaken to the core by the events of this morning, never expected the pandemonium and terror they witnessed.
Some experts are already calling the events that unfolded an “era defining moment,” and the President of the AKC Herb Anderson issued a similar statement this afternoon.
“Not once has the crowd favorite lost to such an unknown contender,” he said in an emergency press conference. “The world, I fear, will never be the same again.”
2000: “George W. Bush victorious in narrow defeat” 2004: “Three starve to death in line for ‘American Idol’ Auditions”
Amid interplanetary strife, twins born to clearly unfit parents
May 8, 2005--In an apparent desperate cry for attention, former galactic Senator Padmé Amidala (D-Alderaan) died Tuesday evening. Evidently she forgot that she had two infants to raise. After moaning and groaning her way through the delivery of twins-one boy and one girl--Amidala died without any evident cause or symptoms of ailment. Some experts report she died of a broken heart, but other experts are calling those experts “foolish” and “jackasses.”
However it happened, one can only imagine that by dying Amidala has probably condemned her children to a lifetime of frustrating identity confusion culminating in a semi-incestuous relationship and a harrowing escape from death at the hands of the villainous, robotic shell of their once hunky father.
Amidala’s death is but part of a long series of mishaps set into motion by the near collapse of the
Galactic Republic at the hands of those god-forsaken clones. After swearing his loyalty to the painfully obviously evil Chancellor Palpatine and going through a kind of Gothy makeover, Amidala’s steroid-fueled husband Anakin Skywalker went on a murderous spree, killing dozens of people, dozens more creepy human-like people and even some freaky monster-looking alien things. And then he killed over twenty younglings, just to show
them who was boss.
Skywalker was later hunted down by his mentor, a sexy Ewan McGregor-type who allegedly used his superhuman force to weepingly destroy his protégé. Cutting off his arms and letting him boil on the surface of Tennessee’s lava lake, McGregor left the young, once strapping lad to become a hideous, boily monstrosity.
Witnesses reportedly threw up a little bit in their mouths, and Skywalker was allegedly rescued by his now openly evil master. Demonstrating a true lack of parental attachment to his children, Skywalker abandoned them and fled to study the Dark Side of the Force.
Helpless infant or freedom-hating Jihadist?
“I predict this decade will be awesome.”
By Larry Flaherty, not very clairvoyant guy
Dec. 31, 1999--Oh boy! A new decade is almost here. I’m no Miss Cleo,
out any day now almost guarantee the next decade will be awesome.
And there’s so much else to look forward to. I can’t decide whether to be more excited about the cure for AIDS or the robots that do your laundry!
And while some people are preparing for Y2K or the second coming of Jesus Christ, I’m getting ready for the second coming of disco! Resurrect your old bell bottoms, baby, and cross tour!
The only things more groovy than a Beegees concert are Furby and Giga Pets, which will probably maintain their lion’s share of the toy & game industry throughout the decade. But keep an eye on “Monopoly: Millennium Edition”, which has a chance to shake up the entertainment industry in a very big way
Speaking of entertainment, did you hear about that promising young actor Heath Ledger, star of “Ten Things I Hate About You”? With talent like
by Arnold Jenkins
Jan. 27, 2000--Gee whiz, are the ‘90s really over? Seems like just yes-ciding that life was no longer worth living.
So many memories.
I don’t kill myself soon I’m going to be an old man. So I’m putting my foot down. I swear to God, this is the demyself.
I mean it’s been such a busy few decades to be sure. In the early ‘70s there was simply too much acid to be dropped to do much else. And during the few hours I wasn’t on acid, all my efforts were concentrated on obtaining more acid. Geez, when’s a guy sup-
In 1977 I read an article in the newspaper about how some guy killed himself. And I thought, ‘Damn, I gotta get my shit together ’ But then “Star Wars” came out the next day, and I couldn’t miss that. What awful luck!
When the ‘80s rolled around, I vowed yet again to do the deed. I attempted
that, his career will surely last him well into old age. I can’t wait to see him in numerous future roles!
Sports will be great this decade, too.
does the next decade have in store?
The not very clairvoyant guy makes some exciting predictions!
Count on many a NASCAR victory for Dale Earnhardt, Sr., says this observer! I wish I could say the same about his son Dale, Jr., though. I think Dale, Sr should give him a crash course on driving, because that young buck has a thing or two to learn.
In baseball, my eyes are on the Cubs, as usual! Look for them to not
the old pill method that I’d heard about from my friends, who’ve been real supportive of my goals. I bought a bottle of painkillers and swallowed them all in one sitting. Well, as you might have guessed, it didn’t work! All that happened was that I felt very very very pain-free. Yet not dead. That wasn’t what I wanted!
in my ability to kill myself was pretty shaken. It had been over a decade and I still hadn’t done it. What was wrong with me? What if I never got around to killing myself and ended up living forever? No, I decided. I wouldn’t let that happen. I had made a promise to myself to never see 1990, and by golly, I would follow through on that promise. Even if that meant closing my eyes for a year
In 1991 when I opened my eyes again, I found the world to be an extremely bright place and my pupils to be the size of saucers. I would have killed myself then, but I had to pee! I peed a lot this decade.
But I spent so much time peeing that I never got around to killing myself! Now, I’m standing at the begin-
mess it up in this decade like they always do. Sadly, the same can’t be said about those lovable losers the Red Sox. I don’t see them winning the World Series anytime soon, especially not in 2004 and 2007 thanks to a solid starting rotation, effective bullpen and timely hitting.
In football, I’m excited to see the new XFL put the lame old NFL out of its misery. Go Los Angeles Xtreme!
Speaking of x-treme, a buzzword people will never get tired of using, how about those sport utility vehicles, eh? In the new millennium, they will become way more x-treme! Sky SUVs so big they take up four vapor lanes and get three air miles to the gallon.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself, though. Vehicles that zoom high above the clouds will take some getting used to. For one, birds will be like, “hey, what’s going on here,” and nobody likes having a confused bird on their hands. The vehicles will probably cost a lot of Dr Pepper reward points, the currency of the future, to maintain. Also, driving around in the sky will make it harder for Billy Joel to drunkenly crash his car into trees, homes and people.
And, of course, the auto industry
ning of yet another decade vowing yet again get the job done. And mark my going to kill myself. I’m not one to give up when the going gets tough, except in the case of my aspirations to be a singer-songwriter and during the patchy spots of my third marriage, not to mention the numerous other times I stopped doing things because they
killing myself this decade. Unless, of course, Chevy decides to offer a rebate on those new Silverados. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to save on a quality new pickup. And let’s be fair I can’t rule out the possibility of it snowing sometime this decade. I can’t be expected to kill myself when there are snowmen begging to be made! But besides those two events--a Silverado rebate and snow, and, OK, a spontaneous trip to Vegas--nothing can stop me from killing myself.
Maybe scientists this decade will even invent a machine that’ll do it for me or something. I should probably take a year, two at the most, and see whether that gets invented.
will have to make some adjustments. But I’m sure the prudent executives in Motor to industry changes and consumer preferences while simultaneously drawing high American auto industry’s success throughout the forseeable future. Hurry up and get here, millennium!
is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as freedom fries. The news reported by this paper is knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff
Bobby Harvey Commander-in-Chief
Aleya Broadway Chief of Staff
Jenna Stempel Chief of Making Shit Pretty Staff
Daniel Arteaga
Sheyna Ezrapour
John Moynihan
Andrew Luskin
Zack Pinsky
Aaron Senser
We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck or get x-treme!! email us at wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group!
What
“This. Was. The. Best. Decade. Ever.”
by George Walsh, Reveler
This past decade was the greatest ten-year period ever. I think we all remember that ‘party,’ right? There was tinsel everywhere, like it was the holidays or something. Everyone was all dressed up fancy-like. And I got to wear a tux and a bowtie. A bowtie! I sure as hell never got to wear a bowtie in the ‘90s. What’s
that about? No bowties? And you call that a decade?
Hey, do you remember those fancy plastic glasses shaped like 2010? Such a huge fad in the ‘00s. Crazy fashions like that are a big part of what made that decade so great!
The food of the past ten years was even awesomer. There was filet mignon with mushroom sauce, garlic mashed potatoes and sort of
flambé for dessert. Back in 1997, I didn’t even know what flambé was, which just goes to show you what a waste of space that decade was. I was all eating Mike & Ikes ten years ago. Boy, have times changed.
But hands down, the two best parts of the last decade have to have been the booze and the women. Champagne. Need I say more? I drank one, maybe two glasses of
champagne at that decade. It was off the hizzook. I totally got almost buzzed off of that sparkling juice of the gods. And don’t get me started on the women of the ‘00s. They all wore those little black dresses with sparkly jewelry, and I got to make out with this dumpy drunk chick with no self-esteem. And we all got to count down from ten together. Awesome.
“The decade of celebrity sex tapes that was”
By Richard P. Johnson, film critic
There have been celebrity sex tapes before--Pam and Tommy on VHS in the ‘90s, Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe on 8mm in the ‘50s, William and Helen Taft on Kinetoscope in the ‘10s--but none compare to the celebrity pornography of the ‘00s. The medium? The internet. The goal? To debauch oneself in front of the entire world. That was the decade of the celebrity sex tape, baby. Sure, the ‘60s might have been a time of “free love,” but what’s more free than access to thousands of blurry images depicting celebrities in the throes of drunken love-making? In the ‘00s, no American was ever more than thirty seconds away from seeing
any celebrity naked. Think about it. Let it sink in.
Is there a celebrity that didn’t release a sex tape in the last ten years? Colin Farrell has a sex tape or fifteen. Pete Wentz’s naked pictures, though as bland and predictable as his music, are easily accessible. Even our own President Barack Obama has topless pictures floating around the internet.
For a while it was believed Meg White, drummer for the White Stripes, had a sex tape. It turned out the girl in the sex tape in question wasn’t Meg; the girl in the video could keep a beat.
Some stars of the last ten years made sex tapes after they became famous, but some people--Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Sandra
Day O’Connor--became celebrities because of their sex tapes. Nice move, ladies. Nobody’s going to notice you’re an attentionstarved, talentless nobody after you’ve distracted them by debasing yourself on film! And the sex tapes of the ‘00s were nothing short of revolutionary, representing a fundamental paradigm sift in celebrity porn. As I view each new celebrity sex tape I became increasingly certain that these videos were brilliant
philosophical expressions transliterated for the masses, a postmodern meta-commentary on the irony of celebrity. Plus, we get to see famous people naked!
“You don’t look a day over 25, planet Earth!”
By Charles Ryan, suck-up
You say you’re how old now? You say 4.54 billion? I simply won’t believe it, planet earth. You don’t look a day over 25.
Old? Never! Sure, birthdays can be depressing after you reach a certain age, but don’t think of it as another year older. Think of it as
another year wiser. And frankly, I don’t care how wise you are, baby, because you’ve got the body of a planet in its 20s!
Honestly? I know teenage planets who would kill for those tectonic plates you’re always flaunting, your baby-smooth outer crust, your tight core. And if I didn’t know better I’d swear those firm mid-ocean ridges
don’t belong to a planet over 25, 30 tops.
And, OK, you’ve aged a little. Who hasn’t? I mean, look at Mars. Now that’s a planet that hasn’t aged well. It’s 4.6 billion and already looking like a wrinkly old babushka!
But you, my dear, wear your 4.54 billion years very well. Sure, things have shifted, you’ve got a fault-line
here and there, billions of years of volcanic activity has left a few craters. So what? Nothing a little Botox can’t fix.
Besides, you’ll never get old if you’re still young at heart. So why not celebrate your birthday the way the molten, gaseous planet you were as a kid way? You’ll look great doing it, honey!
Not to be outdone by Maya calendar, ancient Teotihuacan civilization predicts 2011 apocalypse
In the new year many experts/ paranoid grandmas have “resolved” to pay even more attention to the ancient Mayan calendar, which they believe foretells a 2012 apocalypse. Not to be outdone, the ancient civilization of Teotihuacan recently issued its own revelation of horrific earthly destruction, stating the complete and total annihilation of you and me and everything we hold dear will actually arrive in 2011--just one year earlier than the Mayans have predicted.
The ominous prophecy marks yet another chapter in a timeworn rivalry between the two ancient mesoamerican civilizations. For centuries, the face-off has begotten some of the most violent acts of attention seeking history has ever witnessed.
“The mighty Teotihuacan raise fist against Maya threat,” said Teotihuacan spokesman and wrathful feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl. “Quetzalcoatl wait to see look on [sun deity] Kinich Ahau face when he find what we
pull on pesky Maya.”
Indeed, the maneuver may come as a blow to the Mayans, who have seen an increase in positive attention since their apocalyptic foretelling came to light. Not since the “Help get Amy, the homeless golden retriever, a heart transplant! Microsoft will donate $.01 to every person you forward this to” [sic] phenomenon of 1998 has the world seen so many email forwards devoted to a single subject of interest.
One such email forward raised eyebrows when it circulated among the Teotihuacan people. Yet it wasn’t until Hollywood came calling and Columbia studios bought the rights to a film based on the ancient Mayan calendar that Teotihuacan, Quetzalcoatl said, realized it had to bring down the Mayans.
“Consumer research shaman say Teotihuacan brand recognition at all-time low, but Maya at all-time high,” he said. He hopes his civilization’s forecast for the utter obliteration of humankind will bolster Teotihuacan, which has often played second fiddle to the easier-to-pronounce Mayans.
But only time will tell. And according to Teotihuacan’s own calculations, the civilization has less than a year to raise its profile before the world ends. Adding to the pressure are the Mayans themselves, who make a formidable opponent in any battle: “Teotihuacan always jealous of glittering jewel Maya. It is not Mayan fault Maya is smarter, prettier and bloodthirstier than Teotihuacan,” said Mayan sun god Kinich Ahau.
Stereotypes we hope to popularize in the next decade
Gays are always late
Hispanics are always blinking their eyes
Octopi are the assholes of the sea
Tall people like to steal
People with hands masturbate
People with big earlobes are pyromaniacs
Blondes are cheap
Short, white, 34-year-old women named Nancy Johnson never care about their boyfriends’ feelings even though he cares about her feelings, always gives her the remote and hasn’t asked for a blow job once in their entire relationship. Do you hear me Nancy? It’s a two way street!
Sarah Palin’s a moron.
The unfortunately-named Apple iPad, announced Jan. 27, is perhaps the first notable tech product of the decade. What inventions do you hope to see within the next ten years?
“The Snuggie is a step in the right direction, but there’s still a lot of room for technologies that make lounging around on my ass more convenient.”
“A new emotion that’s like a cross between being surprised and hungry but also kind of sleepy. I’d call this mysterious feeling ‘frazzlation.’ But I guess the name would be up to the geniuses who invented it. ”
“It’s about time somebody invented an elevated, flat, possibly wood or metal surface suitable for resting dinner plates and other objects.”
“A University endowment that doesn’t shrink overnight.”
“I’d personally like to see a long-term alternative to fossil fuels, but since that isn’t going to happen I’ll settle for a blender-TV combo that’s compatible with my car’s A/C adapter.”
Rupert Grint; Unemployed
Roberta Daniels; Poet
Craig Landen; Interior Decorator
Mark Wrighton; Chancellor
Emily Smith; Commuter
Quetzalcoatl at a press conference Tuesday
