Issue 6.2

FATHER WILL PROTECT YOU Volume 6, Issue 2

November 23, 2009

$5 OBO

Phony Fake IDs on the Rise: Students and faculty alike concerned A quick glance at senior Tom Bradsmith’s New York driver’s license and you would never guess that it was, in fact, authentic. With slightly worn corners and a silly picture gracing its front, it could easily pass as one of the countless high quality fake IDs found on college campuses across the nation. In fact, Bradsmith’s ID bears such an uncanny resemblance to a fake that he was able to pass it off as such for nearly 6 months.

“I originally thought of the idea during the spring semester of my junior year” confessed Bradsmith, whose ID was eventually confiscated by a bouncer at a local club. “Having an ID doesn’t impress any seniors, but I thought wow, maybe if I can convince some freshmen it’s a fake, the girls will think I’m cool and want to hook up with me. Pretending to be three years younger than I actually am seemed like a really effective way to score with some of the hottest chicks on campus.”

And while Bradsmith has yet to get any penetrative action with the ladies, sources have confirmed that he has received an awkward hand job.

“That’s one more than I got during my freshman, sophomore, and junior years combined,” remarked Bradsmith, who couldn’t help but grin as he added, “It definitely feels

different than when you do it yourself every night. Sometimes while watching The Price is Right.”

“I feel betrayed,” explained

an anonymous female freshman who is known to have hooked up with Bradsmith. “He seemed like such a badass with that ID…it totally made up for the fact that he isn’t very good looking and kind of squealed like a pig while I gave him that hand job. Now that I know the truth I’m definitely going to rethink my plans for getting wasted and hooking up with him again in the future.”

Yet Bradsmith is only one of many socially inept seniors who have tried to improve their social standing by passing their real IDs off as fakes. “There’s definitely a growing market out there.” explained WUPD officer Kevin “The Enforcer” Prior. In fact, it’s estimated that one in every three students will pretend that their ID is fake at some point during their time in college. But it isn’t just the quantity of phony fake IDs that has spiked. Experts explain that

the quality of these IDs continue to decline as well. “In the past it was pretty easy to differentiate between real and fake IDs. But today, these kids manage to get IDs that look so fake nobody would ever believe that they’re real,” explained Prior. Licenses from Illinois, Hawaii, and Arkansas are most commonly passed as fakes. “Illinois licenses look fake, Hawaii is practically a fake state, and most bouncers won’t even believe that they drive cars in Alaska,” explained Prior.

Local bouncers and bartenders are flustered by the growing trend.

“It was tough enough when I had to worry about kids with actual fakes,” explained bartender Jacob Holmes. “But now I have to worry about real IDs that look fake.

I mean, these kids show up with licenses from states I haven’t even heard of. Just last week I almost lost my job for wrongfully confiscating a driver’s license from West Virginia. What’s next? Two Carolinas?

As the trend continues to grow, many faculty are becoming alarmed as well. One concerned faculty member said, “Students like Bradsmith are pretending to commit the totally awesome crime of using a fake I.D. when, in fact, they’re actually committing the way less cool crime of purchasing alcohol for minors. Not only does that type of dishonesty go against everything we at Washington University stand for, but it’s just really lame.”

World Continues to Pretend to Care About Taylor Swift page 18

Gays/Bros Mourn Loss of Summer Shirtless Weather page 428

Lady Gaga Wears Things and Such page 7

Student Reads the Record page 11b

Student Considers Considering Homework page 4.5

Four-Year-Old to Major in Ponies page 34a

New Food Plan Delivers Meals Directly Into Students’ Mouths Increasing tension between hungry students and overworked kitchen staff may have reached a solution this week after the announcement of MouthFood, a new service that lets students order food online and have it shoveled directly into their throats.

“We had received a number of complaints about the long lines in the Bear Grill” said Vice-Chancellor to the Assistant Viceroy for Food Consumption and Delivery, Gregory Kraft. “With MouthFood we can get students fed so they can get on to more important things, like drinking and doing drugs.” continued on page 2

Threesome Reduced to Onesome page 68f

Alcoholic Kind of a Douchebag While Sober page 88

Scale Broken, Female Suite Agrees page 2

Volume 6, Issue 2 continued from page 1

November 23, 2009 cram a burger down my fat, greedy gullet. I’ve even done it while sleeping! I dreamed of delicious cows grazing on a french

So far, the students have accepted the program with open hearts and even opener mouths. “I always thought it was such a hassle to have to chew and swallow my food,” commented Senior Rick Tor. “With MouthFood, I just have to sit there while they

Of course, as with all new programs, there are still some kinks that need to be worked out. Sophomore Jess Ogel was sent to the hospital after

Freshman Sam Burke is excited about heading home next week for Thanksgiving break. There are many things to which he is looking forward: home-cooked meals, passing the day in the old tire swing that hangs from the willow tree in the family’s yard, spending time with his kid sister and, of course, he is looking forward to one of those famous Burke family hugs. Unfortunately, Sam Burke is about to be completely, utterly emotionally devastated.

“It was all a farce,” assures Brett Burke, Sam’s father. “That marriage was a bigger train wreck than Amy Winehouse trying to stand up straight.”

When little Sam was seven years old, his parents—resentful, bitter and generally full of rage towards one another—divorced.

Not wanting to upset the poor child, they continued the pretense of their marriage and family life.

They wanted to give Sam a normal childhood, even if it was based on half-truths.

They told the boy that Brett had to work weekends, which gave Mr. Burke time alone with his husband Gary. Becka Burke-Berkle had to

travel for work every few weeks, giving her time with her new husband Alec Berkle and her special friend Francisco. The distance— and sex with strangers—afforded the Burkes greater happiness than they had had during their marriage. And they certainly approve of each other’s new spouse.

“Oh, Gary’s just the greatest man ever!” raved Becka BurkeBerkle about her ex-husband’s lover. “His meatballs are To. Die. For. He’s been doing all the cooking around here for the past ten years.

Sam thinks Gary is his uncle.”

Even the family home, in which Sam has lived since his parent’s divorce, is not quite what it appears.

It is actually an old television set his father bought from a friend at Universal Studios.

“I don’t know how Sam never noticed that all the rooms have three walls,” pondered Brett Burke.

“And he certainly never noticed that that willow tree in the back is fake. The leaves have never fallen off. You’d think he’d catch on to something.”

Sam may have not noticed that his home was fake, but his parents were hiding an even bigger secret.

MouthFood workers tried to her esophagus. Bear Grill General Manager Clive Brundy defended his employees by saying, “Our workers are trained to feed students as quickly and it is regrettable that Ms. Ogel needed extensive esophageal

reconstruction, I’m sure there can be no doubt that she wasn’t hungry while the doctors were piecing together what remained of her throat.

I’d consider that a success!”

MouthFood plans to bring out extensive menu options by the end of the year, though unfortunately Bosco Sticks will still not be available due to state sodomy laws.

Freshman to be Crushed During Thanksgiving Break “As a kid, Sam was convinced he was an only child because we didn’t love him enough to give him a little sister,” Becka BurkeBerkle recalled. “Not wanting to bring another child into this hellhole, we hired a child to play the role of Olivia Burke, the loveable kid sister. She’s been fabulous— very professional.”

Sam and Olivia quickly bonded, becoming an inseparable pair.

They did everything together. But when Sam went to college and Olivia’s contract expired, the Burkes decided enough was enough. They are coming clean to Sam. So when Sam gets home this

department’s bourgeois sensibilities and uninspired fashion sense by wearing a bow-tie.

Professor Kalp’s scintillating choice of neck wear was the focal point of his otherwise cluded a tan two-piece suit, a white Oxford shirt and wing-

tip shoes. Such a daring choice reveals professor Kalp’s irreverent approach to pre-colonial to colonial American history, as well as his discerning taste and cool personality in general. He’s been known to use mild profanity during heated lectures about 18th-century New England, a practice unheard of for most traditional, tie-wearing, tenurehaving faculty members.

is being used as the set of a shitty he will never get another one of those famous Burke family hugs, because the little girl he thought was his sister for ten years was really a child actress whom he will probably never see again. Sam cally named pony, has been sold to make Elmer’s glue.

He will be completely and to-

unexpected and exciting. “Ever since the Jews released AIDs into the country in 1977 to eliminate Blacks and Gays, we have been trying to determine why people still risk AIDs infection by using IV drugs. This new study provides exciting insight into the mind of these sad, hollow souls.”

After boldly ignoring the strict ethical guidelines for the research of human subjects, researchers at Wash U injected liquidized diacetylmorphine hydrochloride salt into hundreds of volunteers. Overwhelmed by the pool of individuals seeking participation in the study, researchers narrowed down the subjects to include only those teen times prior to applying for the study.

Over 99% of study subjects reported feeling “fucking amazing” or “like a unicorn fucking a centaur” after receiving their dosage, although several reportedly felt

is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Glenn Beck’s tears. The news reported by this paper knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Heads of State Emperor Bobby Harvey Pharaoh Aleya Broadway Baroness of Staff Jenna Stempel Duchess of Making Shit Pretty

Tower with his youthful spirit, and likely won’t be the last. He has future plans to wear a quite garish pocket square--that is, if he wears one at all.

Heroin Use Linked to Pleasure A recent study by researchers at the Washington University School of Medicine has discovered a surprising connection between heroin and feelings of “orgasmic goodness,” according to a statement released last week.

Chief researcher, Dr. Conan Bar-

Approximation of how Sam Burke will react to his new life.

parents have divorced and remar-

Professor Flouts Convention, Wears Bow-tie On Tuesday, Arthur Kalp, Lecturer at Washington University

tally devastated.

But at least he can be thankful for one thing: the eight free sessions of counseling he’ll get at Student Health.

“out of my fucking mind, man” after the effects of the drugs wore off.

The participants’ ravenous hunger for heroin caused them to discard other parts of their life, abandoning relationships and giving up most activities not involving inserting needles into their veins.

This insight will help researchers develop techniques to help addicts—starting with the study participants, who are by and large dependent on the drug—to stop using.

Wash U researchers are currently seeking participants in a study

Staff

Prince Daniel Arteaga Princess Sheyna Ezrapour Count John Moynihan Sir Zack Pinksy Jeff Leibovich, Esq. Duke Aaron Senser Dame Laura Beckman We are always recruiting new chiefs.

If you would like to write, doodle, wunderground@su.wustl.edu.

and join our Facebook group!

ISSN # 1938-0089

wunderground.wustl.edu

Volume 6, Issue 2

If You Think I Won’t Steal Your Clothes from the Dryer, You’re Wrong I know what you’re thinking: oh I’m too busy to get my clothes out of the dryer immediately after they’re done.

No one will take them if I leave them for a few minutes. Think again my friend. I will take them.

It’s not that I want to use the dryer for myself. It’s just that when I see clothes lying unattended, I steal them. It’s as simple as that. “Oh, the people on my floor are so nice,” you think. “I can trust all of them.” YOU’RE A NAIVE FUCK. That friendly smile I gave you as we passed by each other in the hallway the other day? It was a lie! All to lull you into a false sense of clothing-related security. Check and mate, my friend. Or should I say, my stupidface!

“But I’m a girl!” you say? Irrelevant.

The act of theft is gender blind. What will I do with that new bra you got? I have my plans. And they’re of no concern to you. STOP BADGERING ME!

Not my size? Doesn’t match my outfits?

Immaterial and unimportant. Tu ropa es mi ropa.

It’ll start small of course. A missing sock here and there. A misplaced t-shirt that perhaps you overlooked. Maybe you lost them? Ah but you know better.

Of course you didn’t lose them. You’re better than that. But of course no one would have taken them. Think again.

Slightly inconveniencing others is what I live for.

But you continue lazily leaving your clothes in the dryer, tossing me metaphorical ally-oops with which I dunk home another I Heart New York t-shirt.

The shirt is a lie on me, but you get the point. Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you another time, the shame reverses or something to that effect. I never was clear on the saying, but oh you should be a-shamed.Your fault this time for not learning your lesson, you know what

November 23, 2009

98% Pesto

65% Edward took it

45% GAY

85% Give blood? (need)

I mean? Oh, and by the way, I also used some of your detergent that you left out.

Not for my laundry. I just poured some of it out into the sink.

So don’t tempt me. Especially with brightly colored things.

My Post-College Career Plan: 2012 APOCALYPSE Many world-weary adults will attest that their years in college were the best of their lives. After four years of casually peppering everyday conversation with Oscar Wilde quotes, discussing “the politics of gender” and accumulating sundry sexual partners, they found themselves thrown into that mess that MTV calls ‘The Real World.’ But fear not, fellow undergraduates! We do not have to make the same mistake. We can save ourselves from this endless tedium of taxes, cubicles, childbearing and Ikea furniture assembling. We do not have to suffer the painful yearning for what could have been, lamenting

our lost waistlines as we stuff ourselves into those control-top pantyhose for the 25th reunion. No, my friends. Because there will be no 25th reunion.

Enjoy the first semester of senior year, because you may not make it to the spring. Don’t spend too much time in the library, don’t major in accounting and whatever you do, don’t pay for anything at the DUC. Admit you like ABBA. Don’t bother flossing or rinsing off your Red Delicious before you take a bite. Gorge yourself on deep-fried Oreos, frequent tanning salons and stand in front of the microwave while you pop your corn.

I hear turpentine is great in a cocktail.

Hell, you can even confess to that hot TA you’ve been lusting after for months that you want to take a ride on his disco stick. To quote the renowned poetintellectual Robert Frost, “Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.

Either way we’re majorly fucked, so let’s party!”

After you’re done with all that, you better hope that the Mayans had their predictions right. Otherwise, good luck convincing the judge that the phrase ‘disco stick’ was totally not sexual innuendo in the harassment suit that follows.

If you’re still alive when its time to graduate, consider graduate school.

MY MAJOR IS USELESS

MY MAJOR IS WAY MORE USELESS

J.K. Wilde; Senior, English Major

Bill Trump; Senior, Business Major

I totally have the most useless major on campus. I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to do with an English degree? I’m glad I devoted the past four years to the obscure 18th century writer Eliza Haywood, the Shropshire-born novelist whose political writings earned her investigation by the British government. If someone asks me to analyze one of her works, I’ll have some insight into it. Other than that, how will that knowledge ever be useful to me? I know not to end sentences in prepositions. I know that dangling participles have no place in the world. I know can analyze the shit out of any novel written between 1705 and 1832. That will definitely earn me a lucrative job with a competitive benefit package. I’m definitely going places with my $200,000 degree. And by places, I mean McDonald’s. As a fry chef.

I have only gotten six job offers so far. Six. And it’s already November. Only four of the offers were from Fortune 500 companies. If things don’t pick up, I am going to need my father to call in some favors. I haven’t asked him to so far, but I am reaching my limit. How am I supposed to show my face around here knowing that my friends have already gotten seven to ten job offers? I am thinking of actually applying to jobs.

Applying. How disgustingly plebeian. Who applies for a job? No-names who work at McDonalds? Oh, I may get a job with my major, but will it have dignity? It will not. I will have to apply for it, interview for it and work hard forty hours a week just to earn a beginning six-figure salary.

Six figures. My personal teacher made more than that. My major is useless.

Volume 6, Issue 2

November 23, 2009

Student Doesn’t Do Reading: Outfoxes Professor to Delight of Fellow Classmates Charming scoundrel Paul Rower pulled quite the shenanigan Friday when he showed up to his Western Civilization class--without having read the assigned material.

At first, both fellow classmates and professor Rubin McDouglass were unaware of the wacky high jinks going on right under their noses, but the jig was up at the end of class, when the loveable scamp himself, a Junior, revealed the rampant tomfoolery that just ensued.

“I totally didn’t do the reading at all,” he said.

Though McDouglass was out of earshot during Rower’s confession, students who heard the news reacted with a mix of surprise and delight.

Amid murmurs of “swell, just swell,” A few students piped up. Senior Sam Shirley said Rower’s antics were impressive. “There was reading to do that you did not do. Why, I dare say that’s the cleverest thing I’ve heard of since the Polio vaccine.”

“Say there, you sure pulled a fast one on stupid ol’ Mister McDougles,” added Julia Ermine, a Freshman. “I bet he’ll feel like a real fucking idiot when he catches wind of this.”

A few members of the fairer sex found Rower’s rascality especially pleasing.

“Golly, I never imagined I would be standing mere inches from such a cunning, handsome ruffian,” said Sophomore Lydia Franks. “You refused

to read forty pages and then bragged about it after class. I find this incredibly sophomoric. Do me.”

Rower is known for cooking up madcap plots that subtly undermine authority figures. During his Introduction to Psychology class last Wednesday he appeared to be taking notes on his laptop, but really the trickster was looking at pictures of baby Puffins and researching coonskin hats. And reactions to his latest stunt suggest this sly devil of an Engineering Major has whipped up something that will live up to even his craftiest plots.

“You’ve done it once again, pal,” said Sophomore Daniel Durban. “The McDouglar had not an inkling you did not read the material. You are a truly a quick-witted haver of wacky escapades, and for this I harbor deep-seated envy and resentment.”

Rower will likely continue to outsmart his dullard professor with the same wily brand of mischief so skillfully employed during Friday’s lecture. Rumors abound: some say for Rower’s next prank he’ll set the margins of his final paper at 1.2 inches--0.2 inches wider than the one-inch margins mandated in the course’s syllabus. Others claim he’ll be spotted leaving class to go to the mens room--without first asking permission.

But whatever Rower does next, it’s clear this cheeky delinquent has plenty of tricks up his sleeve.

Most Offensive Sounding NonOffensive Words

1. Niggardly 2. Manhole 3. Shuttlecock 4. Kumquat 5. Humpenscrump 6. Codswallop 7. Snagglepuss

8. Masticate

9 . Rectory

10. Giblets

Thanksgiving, the annual celebration of the day Native Americans and Pilgrims sat together to celebrate their beautiful symbiosis, is right around the corner. It is traditional for American families to mark the day with a turkey dinner. What do you think?

Wamsutta; Wampanoag Native American

Rowland Hussey Macy; Founder, Macy’s

“Sad.”

“That great day in our great country’s great history deserves to be celebrated in a great way: by filling enormous cartoon characters with helium and floating them above New York City.”

Augury; Turkey

Martha Stewart; Domestic Queen, Convicted Felon

Charles Brown; Child, Severely Depressed

“FUCK.”

“Thanksgiving is my absolutely favorite time of year. I get to make delicious meals, design elaborate centerpieces, spend time with my fabulous daughter Alexis and use the tryptophan in the turkey to immobilize my dinner guests so that I may use them as sacrifices to Quetzalcoatl in hopes that he spare me when 2012 rolls around.”

“Maybe I’d be less sad if I finally got to nail Peppermint Pattie.”