Issue 6.1 by wundergroundwashu

New South 40 Continues to Shock, Awe

Weeks after returning to campus, upperclassmen are still awed by the raw power that is the new and improved South 40.

“What the fuck?” posited Sophomore Graham Acker, almost knocked over by the beauty of the South Forty House and the new Umrath. “It looks fucking stupid. What is this, Disneyland?”

Tired of the drab and semifunctional Wohl Center and Umrath House, the Wash U administration made the decision to pump millions of dollars into a project to tear down the traditional, distinguished buildings and replace them with big, gaudy structures that dominate the forty. After a whirlwind tour on a private jet through Europe to explore architecture, the administration decided on an early 1800’s façade for the new 40, with the new structures built to transport students through time and place into a small European villa. To create the illusion, the university brought in a crack team of the finest Disney Imagineers money could buy.

“We studied college students for years in preparation for this project. We think they’ll love the subtle touches of Imagineering we’ve added to these lovely new buildings,” said set-dresser Marcus Oppley as he delicately placed ivy around the archway leading into the South Forty House, which will be known as

such until the Wohl, Danforth or Eliot families cough up enough money.

“That ivy nearly looks almost kind of real!” gasped a passerby.

And the ivy is not the only new feature of the forty. Indeed, as students walk around the South Forty, they are bound to notice the Imagineer’s influence at every turn, from the Italian pickpockets hiding in the shadows of the South Forty House arch to the silhouettes of students playing beer pong in the windows of Umrath. If one listens closely enough, one can hear the muffled sounds of really awkward sex coming from the rock-shaped speakers lining Shepley.

The current changes are just the beginning. According to Imagineer Oppley, Wash U will soon be installing its very own “It’s A Small World” ride on the swamp, turning the pathway circling the swamp into canals to that students may ride in boats through the swamp listening to foreign students from all over the world singing of unity and globalization. Starting in the Spring of 2010, all international students will be required to spend at least thirty hours a week standing along the canal singing for the sadistic amusement of the real Americans among the student body.

In a highly controversial step, the university plans to take the Class of 2013’s prettiest damsel

and put her in a chemically-induced coma on the roof of the South Forty House. The first—and most handsome—student to reach her and awkwardly kiss her cold, dead-like body will win her affection and hand in marriage. While many student groups are protesting this plan as barbaric and kind of fucked up, the administration and Imagineers contend that it is romantic and the stuff of dreams.

Among the other changes to campus is the renaming of Bear Den to honor nature explorer and bodacious British badass Bear Grylls. The Bear Gryll is now conveniently located on the bottom level, first floor and fourth floor of the South Forty House. Just to make things a little easier for students with disabilities, one must exit the building, go down six flights of stairs and swim through an alligatorinfested swamp in order to reach the bottom floor. To really set the atmosphere, students must now pay for their meals with the fresh carcasses of animals they have ruthlessly slaughtered with their hunting knives.

SU Funds Gay Recruitment Campaign

In a surprise move last Tuesday, Student Union Treasury allocated an extra $180,000 to Pride Alliance in order to advance the homosexual agenda.

According to the Alliance, as the organization is known by homosexuals, their membership numbers have not been as high as they had hoped they would be, and awareness of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bacon and tomato) issues on campus is at all time low.

“What better way to increase awareness than to actually increase our numbers by recruiting new gays?” posited gay treasurer Jonathan Turngüe, class of 2010, one of the gayest classes ever seen at Washington University. While the uber-liberal media at large

may bombard the public with “expert” claims and “scientific” studies that “prove” homosexuality is not a choice, Pride Alliance claims otherwise. According to Pride surveys, most fanny bandits on campus choose to be gay either to spite their overbearing parents or in an effort to

be more hip and fashionable.

“It nearly killed my parents when I told them I was gay,” said Turngüe. “It was fantastic.”

Besides teaching parents a lesson, Pride claims that in addition to the obvious benefits of cleanliness and better hair, increased gay activities on campus will lead to a more fashionable and stylish student body, parties with “like, way better dance music” and a fewer student pregnancies, as straight sex will be “like, so icky!”

Pride’s recruitment campaign will kick off with OMG It’s Gay Day!!! on September 30th in Brooking’s Quadrangle. The event will attempt to turn as many Wash U students gay as possible by providing free tofu burgers, feathered continued on page 2

cocaine being had in DUC fun Room

Classroom to receive new venetian blinds

Area teenager “not really into beige”

Rusty sculpture near Eliot Hall blowing student’s mind

Freshman meets a Jew for the first time In Dauten House computer lab, valiant knight refills paper tray

SU

Funds Gay Recruitment Campaign

continued from page 1

boas and pubic trimmings to everyone on campus. Special guest speakers will include famously nutty Sapphist Rosie O’Donnell and cock-hungry fashionista Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame.ing will go towards free workshops all around campus to teach the men

and women of Wash U how to be up the proverbial gay ante. Upcoming workshops include “Being Gay At School,” “Being Gay at Work” and “Being Gay at Home.” For students eager to gay it up sooner, Pride offers some simple tips on how to be gayer in your everyday life. They recommend drinking and gross,” listening to the musical stylings of Lady Gaga and Freddie Mercury, fawning over CNN hunk/ anchor Anderson Cooper and us-

ing as many abbreviated words and portmanteaux as possible.

Current numbers show the homoulation on campus to be a meager nine percent of the student body. If all goes according to plan, Pride hopes the school will be a full thirty percent gay by fall 2009 and sixty percent gay by spring 2010,

university the gayest campus in the world, even beating out the Sir Elton John School of Flamboyant EuroRock in London.

While the prospect of being the gayest university in the country is thrilling to some students, others have been left scratching their heads, wondering why Student Union would give such an exorbitant amount of money to the gays.

“We were scared,” said a treasury representative on the condition of anonymity “Do you know what kind of power the gays have? Have

what they did to Reagan. Alzheimer ’s. They gave him Alzheimer ’s.”

White guy from USA important lesson in diversity

Peter Beaver, a freshman from Holloway, Idaho, stands out in a crowd. It’s not because of his cheese-curdling halitosis, which has no medical cure; his collection of Billy Ray Cyrus concert lanyards painstakingly collected at performances and swap meets between 1991 through 1993; or even his unique but unfortunate last name. No, Peter Beaver is special because he is a minority on campus: a white male from the middle of the country

“Diversity is a big issue on college campuses nationwide,” says Greg Holtzman, director of Diversity Initiatives at Washington University in St. Louis. “At Washington University, it’s important to celebrate the native dances, traditional lore, and time-honored country cruisin’ of the proud Ida-

Population: 1,429,096

Capital: Boise

English

Currency: US Dollar

Major Exports: Potatoes, Austrian Winter Peas

Motto: Esto Perpetua

Verdict: Boring

hotians.”

Students agree. They’ve taken a liking to Beaver ’s Sketchers sneakers and love of four-wheeling in a way no one has before.

“Everyone is really interested to hear my opinion on things, like how I think laissez-faire should be pronounced,” Beaver says with pride.

“They seem really invested in my peoples’ unique world-view.”

There’s fame associated with such diversity “People come up to me at parties asking me if I’m ‘for real.’ I guess it can be shocking to meet someone so exotic,” Beaver says.

But he takes the attention in stride. “I know who my real

mates that have given me my cool Idaho-related nickname, ‘Potato Pete.’ Even though I’m suspicious the nickname refers to the shape of my head, these people really make me feel like I have a special place at WashU.”

Despite his notoriety, Beaver says his favorite part about being the sole representative of his cultural group is the opportunity to give back. “When I tell people

Disgraced former senator Jeff Smith wears same pair of sweat pants three days in row

Today marks the third day that former Missouri State Senator Jeff Smith has worn the same pair of sweatpants.

Mr Smith’s life took a turn for the worst in August, when he pleaded guilty in federal court to two counts of conspiracy to obstruct justice, resigned as senator, and canceled the course he planned to teach at Washington University where he was a Lecturer

Mr Smith then hitchhiked to the The Rusty Nail, a bar near the east side of St. Louis, where he stubbed his toe and spilled a large jar of marbles. Later, as he waited

for a ride outside the establishment, a car sped past and splashed him with dirty rainwater

Then he fell down.

He was last spotted in public at a Conoco in Brentwood a week ago, where he picked up one pack of Marlboro Light cigarettes and four

Doritos. Reports claim Mr Smith’s credit card was declined at the cash register and he paid instead with quarters.

Now, a source close to Mr Smith who spoke on the condition of anonymity says he has since remained

the same pair of gray cotton sweat pants for the past three days, without removing them to shower or anything.

It is not known how long Mr Smith plans to wear the pants; how soiled, smelly or worn they are; or whether they are on backwards.

When pressed, Mr Smith’s colleague refused to comment further on the matter, but did reveal that had just died, that he lost one of his socks in the wash and that he had recently developed a painful cold sore.

YOU FINISHED!

Dead thing on side of highway during family road trip probably a raccoon

Sources say the dead thing on the side of the highway during the third day of the Robertson family’s pointless and completely uncool road trip to the Grand Canyon is “probably a raccoon.”

The animal was spotted on a stretch of highway I-80, a few miles from the boring museum about pioneers that the family visited despite arguments that summer wasn’t for learning.

“It’s probably a raccoon. Who knows,” said Tim Robertson, 46. “Now stop annoying your sister right now, or I swear to God I will pull this car over.”

Sources say “Extremely Boss” levels of decomposition made whatit-all step-dads like Tim. Carol Robertson, 44, didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

The raccoon sighting is the coolest thing the Robertson family has seen on this stupid trip so far, besides a three-car pileup near Denver involving a Corvette that required the jaws of life. Also pretty cool was when Danielle Robertson, 17, accidentally locked herself in the Conoco gas station bathroom on day two of the trip.

Charlie Robertson, 10, was not available for comment. He was busy with level 5 of Big Motha Truckers for Nintendo DS. He would like to stop at McDonald’s soon.

about my state’s high unemployment rate, pervasive methamphetamine problem, and growing foot pornography industry, I’m educating them,” he says. “That’s when I know I’ve really enriched their day, culturally It’s kind of like, Japanese people have Kabuki, and we have watching the guy across the street get arrested. Giving them that awareness, along with the surprising amount of second base I’ve been getting lately, is what’s really important at the end of the day.”

is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as health care reform/teabagging. The news reported least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff

Bobby Harvey Commander-in-Chief

Aleya Broadway Chief of Staff

Jenna Stempel Chief of MS Paint Staff Daniel Arteaga

Sheyna Ezrapour John Moynihan

We are always recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck or start a sexy wunderground@su.wustl.edu. and join our Facebook group!

the roadkill in question

Ronald

J. Wethers

Executive Human Resources Manager

Top Care Lawn Service, Inc.

700 Rosedale Ave.

Saint Louis, MO 63112

Sydney Fettering Landscape Technician PO BOX 2983

Saint Louis, MO 63982

Dear Mr. Fettering, September 29, 2009

After much consideration and review, we’ve authorized you for the privilege, challenge, and dare I say, pleasure that is operating the Top Care club car. Congratulations! May I be the first to welcome you to this elite club of motorists.

Though we at Top Care are confident you will approach this responsibility with the utmost competence, there are a few procedures of which you should be aware. They shall become your commandments and guiding light. Heed them.

1. While operating the club car, always remember to engage the blinking orange light affixed to the top of the vehicle. This is not so much a precautionary matter, since we use the club car during daylight when pedestrians can barely see it flashing. Rather, enabling the light will make you feel cool and official. Sunglasses are also encouraged.

2. Crowded sidewalks give the campus an urban, cosmopolitan feel. When choosing a route to your destination, select the paths pedestrians use most. Paved areas in front of Olin Library and around the Danforth University Center are generally teeming with students, so take special care to drive through these areas very slowly at least once a day. If you come up behind students on the sidewalks, it’s best to follow them closely until your path is clear.

3. When behind the wheel, it’s important to wear a serious yet pleasant grimace. The pleasant half puts students at ease. It alleviates any socioeconomic anxiety students might feel at the sight of blue-collar employees. The serious half assures students that you’re putting their tuition dollars to good use. Grimacing also makes you look ruggedly handsome.

4. No novelty baseball caps, please.

5. When you have another Top Care employee in the passenger seat, make sure no part of your bodies touch one-another. This will prove challenging for our more portly workers, but it’s essential no one acts gay while in Top Care uniform.

6. Whatever you do, never offer rides to students. It may be tempting to use your set of wheels to impress a cute undergraduate named Cindra who’s majoring in history but is thinking about switching to political science, but nothing good can come of this. One innocent ride will inevitably turn into a not-so innocent tryst, and even if your wife doesn’t find out about it until three months later and the university doesn’t take official action, you will regret your decision. Or so I’ve heard.

These guidelines are clear and simple. Adhere to them steadfastly and they will serve you well. Disregard them and they will see to your downfall.

Godspeed, Ronald J. Wethers

Executive Human Resources Manager

What are we enjoying on campus?

Fall is upon us and the university’s Danforth campus is once again a vibrant scene of students, faculty, and learning. 98% Pesto

12% the calm before the storm

24% Stealing from the DUC

56% Secondhand Smoke

Normative StudLife Forum editors mistake normative opinion page for normative term-paper normatively again

For the seventh issue in a row, editors of Student Life’s opinion section “Forum” confused Wednesday’s opinion page with a term paper.

“This mistake will not be made again,” the editors said in a statement released today. “Obviate hegemony nascent thus.”

In light of the apology, some students say mistaking an opinion page for a term paper is forgivable. “The two do have much in common,” said Washington University librarian Lissa Keane. “For example, both are recorded on paper, sometimes using words to express ideas. Also the same: readers see the ideas with their eyes.”

However, there are a few subtle differences between the two. “A ‘term paper’ is an essay assigned by a professor that requires students to commit an extensive amount of time in presenting compelling arguments, demonstrating knowledge, or conducting original research,” said Bill Craggs, a graduate student in the Political Science department. “The ‘Forum’ page attempts to sensationalize tulips.”

Forum editors issued their statement after Craggs, who grades hundreds of essays a year as a teaching assistant, caught the error and reported it.

continued on page 69

By Kennedy Clinton, Sophomore Reagan Kristol, Senior

THE HUMANITY!

A Special Message

From the Chancellor

Dear Colleagues:

I write with great regret to inform you that the H1N1 virus, colloquially known as “the swine’s flu,” has become a tragic reality on this, the venerable Danforth Campus of the honorable Washington University in the alright Saint Louis. Fearing this day would come, we took great precautions and security measures to ensure the safety of the Washington University community.

We failed.

Even though we failed to protect you from the wrath of the hogs, you can still help prevent yourself from contracting the virus of the curly-tailed. I remind you to wash your hands regularly, avoid touching your face and keep away from infected individuals. If you suspect a friend has contracted the disease, barricade him or her in a room. Do not feed the individual or speak to them in any way. Your friend is dead, his or her body overtaken by a demon. If you can, remove its head or destroy the brain. By taking these simple steps, we can all work together to prevent the spread of this potentially debilitating virus. On a completely unrelated note, in the case of incapacitation or death by decapitation your tuition is non-refundable.

Sincerely yours, Mark S. Wrighton