Now with a public option! Volume 6, Issue 1
September 28, 2009
your freedom
New South 40 Continues to Shock, Awe Weeks after returning to campus, upperclassmen are still awed by the raw power that is the new and improved South 40. “What the fuck?” posited Sophomore Graham Acker, almost knocked over by the beauty of the South Forty House and the new Umrath. “It looks fucking stupid. What is this, Disneyland?” Tired of the drab and semifunctional Wohl Center and Umrath House, the Wash U administration made the decision to pump millions of dollars into a project to tear down the traditional, distinguished buildings and replace them with big, gaudy structures that dominate the forty. After a whirlwind tour on a private jet through Europe to explore architecture, the administration decided on an early 1800’s façade for the new 40, with the new structures built to transport students through time and place into a small European villa. To create the illusion, the university brought in a crack team of the finest Disney Imagineers money could buy. “We studied college students for years in preparation for this project. We think they’ll love the subtle touches of Imagineering we’ve added to these lovely new buildings,” said set-dresser Marcus Oppley as he delicately placed ivy around the archway leading into the South Forty House, which will be known as
such until the Wohl, Danforth or Eliot families cough up enough money. “That ivy nearly looks almost kind of real!” gasped a passerby. And the ivy is not the only new feature of the forty. Indeed, as students walk around the South Forty, they are bound to notice the Imagineer’s influence at every turn, from the Italian pickpockets hiding in the shadows of the South Forty House arch to the silhouettes of students playing beer pong in the windows of Umrath. If one listens closely enough, one can hear the muffled sounds of really awkward sex coming from the rock-shaped speakers lining Shepley. The current changes are just the beginning. According to Imagineer Oppley, Wash U will soon be installing its very own “It’s A Small World” ride on the swamp, turning the pathway circling the swamp into canals to that students may ride in boats through the swamp listening to foreign students from all over the world singing of unity and globalization. Starting in the Spring of 2010, all international students will be required to spend at least thirty hours a week standing along the canal singing for the sadistic amusement of the real Americans among the student body. In a highly controversial step, the university plans to take the Class of 2013’s prettiest damsel
Frat kicked off campus for dealing pugs page 18
and put her in a chemically-induced coma on the roof of the South Forty House. The first—and most handsome—student to reach her and awkwardly kiss her cold, dead-like body will win her affection and hand in marriage. While many student groups are protesting this plan as barbaric and kind of fucked up, the administration and Imagineers contend that it is romantic and the stuff of dreams. Among the other changes to campus is the renaming of Bear Den to honor nature explorer and bodacious British badass Bear Grylls. The Bear Gryll is now conveniently located on the bottom level, first floor and fourth floor of the South Forty House. Just to make things a little easier for students with disabilities, one must exit the building, go down six flights of stairs and swim through an alligatorinfested swamp in order to reach the bottom floor. To really set the atmosphere, students must now pay for their meals with the fresh carcasses of animals they have ruthlessly slaughtered with their hunting knives.
SU Funds Gay Recruitment Campaign
In a surprise move last Tuesday, Student Union Treasury allocated an extra $180,000 to Pride Alliance in order to advance the homosexual agenda. According to the Alliance, as the organization is known by homosexuals, their membership numbers have not been as high as they had hoped they would be, and awareness of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bacon and tomato) issues on campus is at all time low. “What better way to increase awareness than to actually increase our numbers by recruiting new gays?” posited gay treasurer Jonathan Turngüe, class of 2010, one of the gayest classes ever seen at Washington University. While the uber-liberal media at large
may bombard the public with “expert” claims and “scientific” studies that “prove” homosexuality is not a choice, Pride Alliance claims otherwise. According to Pride surveys, most fanny bandits on campus choose to be gay either to spite their overbearing parents or in an effort to
be more hip and fashionable. “It nearly killed my parents when I told them I was gay,” said Turngüe. “It was fantastic.” Besides teaching parents a lesson, Pride claims that in addition to the obvious benefits of cleanliness and better hair, increased gay activities on campus will lead to a more fashionable and stylish student body, parties with “like, way better dance music” and a fewer student pregnancies, as straight sex will be “like, so icky!” Pride’s recruitment campaign will kick off with OMG It’s Gay Day!!! on September 30th in Brooking’s Quadrangle. The event will attempt to turn as many Wash U students gay as possible by providing free tofu burgers, feathered continued on page 2
Dead celebrity still dead page 428
GOP demands proof that Obama is black page 11b
Student ready for responsibility of mini-fridge page 4.5
Fun, cocaine being had in DUC fun Room page 7
Classroom to receive new venetian blinds page34a
Area teenager “not really into beige” page 68f
Rusty sculpture near Eliot Hall blowing student’s mind page 88
Freshman meets a Jew for the first time page 2
In Dauten House computer lab, valiant knight refills paper tray page 708