Now ribbed for your pleasure. Volume 5, Issue 6
Friday, April 9, 2009
Eliot Society to Award Top Donors with Markgoyles
In an effort to shore up a substantial reduction in gifts to the university's Annual Fund in the 2009 fiscal year, the William Greenleaf Eliot Society announced that it will begin awarding benefactors "Markgoyles" 3-feet-tall stone grotesques carved in the likeness of university Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton. Inspired by the university's Gothic Revival architecture, the eerie 400pound stone renderings of the Chancellor in his signature doublebreasted suit were debuted at the Eliot Society's double-ended donors dinner on Tuesday. New and old donors alike dined at the Whittemore House while simultaneously being stimulated to renew their membership to the Eliot Society through a minimum $1,000 donation. "How wonderful is it to see the Chancellor frozen eternally in concrete like my salary?" Vice-Chancellor for Fundraising Gabby Buskirk asked the lively audience of the university's most well-known contributors and their guests as she removed a velvet cloth from the inaugural Markgoyle. Buskirk explained to the audience of wealth generators and social lampreys the attributes of Markgoyles, which include a hardy concrete construction capable of indoor or outdoor display, a custom-engraved brass placque on the figure's base delineating the donor's name and amount given to the Eliot Society, and a hole drilled into the figure's posterior into which a glowstick may
National Media Attention Focuses on Dar-Four Conflict
be inserted, generating an unspeakably nightmarish glow in the statute's eyes via fiber optic cables. "I must have one!" shrieked welldressed shill Brandon Cate, who was strategically seated with the Eliot Society's most ostentatious donors at the "new money" table. "I'll give this ten thousand in cash right now!" said Cate, removing a stack of one-hundred dollar bills from an envelope and placing it on his bread plate. The evening concluded with Margoyle creator, famed Italian sculptor Giuseppe Dratiago, chronicling his time chiseling the mold used to cast the 4,000 first-edition statues. "The chancellor-uh he-uh just-uh lay-there and uh sleep in-uh his suit-uh while I carved away," he said through a thick accent. The artist relayed that he and Dr. Wrighton became fast friends over their mutual love for delivering pizza. Acknowledging that the $1,000 donation required for a Markgoyle would be out of reach for many and that Barack Obama's 2008 presidential race opened up new thought about the power of soliciting smallgifts in large numbers from credulous college students, the Eliot Society is also offering pint-sized incentives to persuade students to give to the annual fund. Miniature Markgyoles, suitable for display on a desk or on a shelf with other valuable collectibles, are now available at the bookstore for $100. "Jesus Christ, get that the fuck away from me!" noted a surprised
The best things in life are free What Are We Down With?
39% 26% OPP
IDK, it just doesn’t seem like I’m ever happy anymore
14%
21%
Sickness Going to McD’s
Weakened Wydown Water fears foreign buyout Elliot Society donors fawned and slavered over the Markgoyles' chillingly life-like appearance.
student who bumped into the MiniMark display case. "Ughhh, Jesus. Ugh," he added. The bookstore will also begin to sell a kit containing a brass placque engraved with one's first name, a miniature screwdriver and screws suitable for mounting the placque on any wood or concrete surfaces. The "Danforth for a Day" kit will be available for $10 from a spinning rack next to the other WashU tchotchkes and will allow students to dedicate their personal belongings to themselves. However, the bookstore noted, those with esoteric or foreign given names will likely be unable to locate a kit.
advisers. Dar-Four RA Donna Summers responded to reports saying, "Our sponsorship in this event has been completely blown out of proportion. We desire an end to this factionalization and group-warfare just as much as our residents. Furthermore, Washington University has come to the NRF have been rebels and insurgents The student-run Swamp Shanty business has face severe criticism from taken off since the exodus began. international humanitarian outlets for since the day they arheadlights and hear cars drive by at althe conflict that has been taking place rived on campus eight most fifteen miles an hour. It terrifies months ago." Summers on Freshman-dorm floor me." Humanitarian groups have also continued by saying that the NRF have Dardick Four, or Dar-Four. Dardick, expressed severe concern about the been receiving help religiously obeying normally known for its staggering lack of safe the floor's "Quiet Hours," and "24-Hour height and housing of the local STD drinking water and relative paucity of Courtesy Hours" testing facility, has been divided by snack-machine availability on the policies from a nearby RA they refer to fighting among two groups, the Ganjagrassy plane. only as "Chad." weed and the displaced On campus activism has also According to U.N. estimates, 12-15 Nationally Recalcitrant Freshman, or increased since the conflict. "We need students have been exiled from NRF, over the amount of late-night to gather ourselves together as dorms Dar-Four, being forced to live in partying that occurs on the floor, with and support these marginalized few," shanty-towns and huts erected near the recent escalation to a mass said Freshman Jenna Billingsly, Presihammocks on the building's front. "It's exodus by the Anti-Party NRF. The dedent of the "Save Dar-Four Coalition," bate rages around the supposed spon- disgraceful," says displaced Freshman Ben Stag, "I mean, from her luxury suite in Liggett. sorship of the conflict, with the Ganja-weed supposedly being backed we live in abject poverty, mere steps CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 away from Shepley. At night, I can see by floor residential
Nicholas Cage still terrrible actor
...
Search for Waldo ends in tragedy
DUC lays Easter Egg
Student outcry as Onion comes to campus Bondage Club elections tied
WUPD overthrows SU in coup d’school B&D guards awkwardly watch students grind
Volume 5, Issue 6
Friday, April 9, 2009
Somali Pirates Seize Brookings Hall In what is their fourth attack in as many months, Somali pirates hijacked Brookings Hall Thursday, effectively taking control of Washington University. While the pirates are known to be carrying weapons, the twenty-seven university employees and students trapped inside are reportedly unharrrrrmed. The Siege of Brookings took place at noon when fourteen buccaneers piled into the back of a pirate ship parade float leftover from Mardi Gras and crashed into the admissions office on Brookings Drive. Throwing Molotov cocktails, screaming obscenities and wielding swords, the pirates swarmed the office, tying up everyone in sight and immediately sending out a list of demands to the university community. Captain Crunch, the peg-legged, eye-patch donning and hook-wielding spokespirate of the group, sent a message to WUPD demanding various forms of payment in exchange for control of the university. The scallywags have requested chests filled with gold bars, barrels of rum and dozens of non-syphiliséd wenches. “Worry not, brave students,” declared Commandeer Mark ‘Slicksword’ Wrighton. “We shall overcome. Yea, we shall take down these scurvy dogs, these mangy beasts, these Fontbonne students.” Needless to say, these kings of the sea were none too pleased at being compared to students of a third tier university with a measly $13 million endowment. The pirates, particularly enraged by these insults, let loose
their very own string of curses, the most tame of which involved nonsensical references to the university's mother. After the exchange of them fightin’ words, the administration took steps to eradicate the university’s problem once and for all. According to a university press release, “For four months the Washington University community has lived in a state of complete terror, never knowing when the next pirate attack will be. These pirates have forced our hand. It’s time to call in the Special Ninja League.” Although it is common knowledge that ninjas are pirates’ natural enemies, few students are aware that Wash U has control over the largest ninja army outside of Asia. Employing nearly seven hundred stealth Asian and fanboy fighters, the Ninja League is charged with carrying out all the judicial and policing tasks WUPD would take care of if it were not plagued by insurmountable and heart-wrenching incompetence. Once the entire army of ninjas arrives on campus, it is thought that it will take only minutes for them to infiltrate Brookings, silently massacre all of the pirates and free the hostages. While most students may applaud these actions, the move has caused great criticism from certain campus groups. The SU group Noodles, which believes the historical decrease in the pirate population has led to global warming, has condemned Wrighton’s move as harsh and irresponsible.
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
The University mourns as pirate flags fly over their beloved Brookings Hall. “What would His Holiness the Flying Spaghetti Monster say if he knew we were killing his most prized, most treasure creation, the holy pirates?” asked Pastafarian sophomore Bertrand Henderson. “We pray that Wrighton will be touched by His Noodly Appendage and realize that we must honor these noble pirates with succulent strippers and bounteous beer. To harm these creatures will only incur the wrath of the Noodled One.” With the lives of twenty-seven students and employees at stake, it is unlikely that the administration will heed the warnings of the Pastafarian community. As the ninja army assembles on campus over the next few days, it is doubtful the pirates will live through the weekend.
Senior to Finally Get Laid this Month With his university days numbered, Lewis Blanton is finally going to get laid this month, announced the Washington University senior early yesterday evening. “I've had a lot of close calls over the past four years here at Wash U, and I think my time to get down has finally come. Get ready, ladies. The Blantonator is on the prowl! That's what my friends call me. The Blantonator.” According to sources knowledgeable to the New York native's exploits, the twenty-two year old has twice come close to kissing a girl and has even been the butt of a clearly sarcastic sex joke involving him and a girl in his biology class. Even with such success, he has yet to seal the deal. “The ladies are definitely starting
to chatter. I think they've finally realized I'm available again,” he said, referring to his three-day same-sex facebook marriage to best friend Thomas Finnegan six months ago. “There must've been some happy ladies checking their mini-feeds the day we broke up!” Blanton has purchased four brands of condoms in six flavors each, vowing to be ready “when the time comes. And when she comes! Get it?” Other reported preparation for the supposedly-imminent act of sexual intercourse include watching several "films," purchasing a new comforter for his bed, and taking up yoga. “My roommate knows he has to be on his toes at all times,” chuckled Blanton with a grin while exiting his
has simply come through practicing his craft. "I used to build a lot of these in my youth," he said from his garage workshop which shares space with an aging Volkswagen. Jürgen noted that before emigrating to America after a six-month vacation in Argentina he assembled thousands of similar structures for universities, churches, homes, office buildings, and large outdoor gatherings. When asked if the university's specifications demanded properties that differed from other desks he had constructed, Jürgen said that the legs of the contracted desks would be stronger than previous desks he had built because "WashU students burn through so many books." Despite Mr. Jürgen's craftsmanship, the university is aware that the new desks are needed rapidly and
"They've already been cast out from their homes too long, and it's time school leaders stepped in and did something. I've already contacted a couple of faculty by e-mail and tabled for one or two hours in the DUC to help them, but this needs to be a campus-wide tabling effort." Nations have also been participating in the Dar-Four debate, with former Secretary of State Colin Powell referring to the conflict as "a humanitarian crisis," elaborating that, "While America would generally side with the rules of the university, the residents have been marginalized to a degree heretofore seen only by gays, Blacks, and Hispanics."
W U n der gr ou n d is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as government bailout oversight. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious … at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief
Staff Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt Blanton prepares for his fifteen seconds of passion. room with a sleeping bag last Saturday night. “Cuz one of these days he's gonna be the one who has to get outta there!” Blanton cited Friday and Saturday as “nights to watch for” in his pursuit of sexcapes. “I'm gonna be on the prowl alright! Well, provided Family Guy is a rerun. I love that show."
Aged German Carpenter Contracted to Build Library Desks Ralf Jürgen, an elderly German woodworker, was awarded a contract to build new study desks for the basement levels of the Olin Library. The contract - worth between $19,330 and $19,450 depending on hyperinflation - dictates that Jürgen construct replacements that generally match the design of the library's current study desks, which rigidly seat four. "When we described the desk we wanted, an equilateral cross with its arms bent at right angles, Mr. Jürgen's bid was nearly 20% lower than the next bidder and he promised the desks would be finished three months sooner," said Vice-Chancellor Schantz. "He's absolutely militant in his efficiency." Mr. Jürgen who celebrated his 87th birthday and 64th year of citizenship in 2009, asserted that his expertise
Dar-Four
Contributors Daniel Arteaga Alexandra Bursak Brandon Buyers Sheyna Ezrapour Mike Friend Patrick Kelly Edward Lu John Moynihan Zack Pinsky Jenna Stempel Alex Taylor Michael Yang
We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or undulate, email us at
wundergr@su.wustl.edu
and join our Facebook group! Jürgen’s designs are inspired by his favorite childhood memories.
that students are resistant to the thought of a prolonged rebuilding period, should the old desks be disposed of before the new desks are delivered. Thus, Mr. Jürgen's contract firmly stipulates that if the desks are not delivered within the date and cost estimates supplied by Mr. Jürgen, he will take complete responsibility and be liable for decades of reparation payments to the university.
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
Volume 5, Issue 6
Friday, April 9, 2009
WUnderground’s Browser History
Thank You, Thurtene
by Phranc Mallinckrodt
I know some students and faculty find Thurtene Carnival annoying. Sure, parking is a bit hectic during the construction. And yes, we all get a little tired of the annoying children hanging around campus hindering our ability to swear like sailors, but we have to remember what this event is really about: promoting the war on standardized spelling. For too long we have allowed scholars, dictionaries and those fucking squiggly red lines on our computers to influence the way we spell words. For too long we have allowed all of them to decide when it is okay to spell it "our" and when it must be "are." For too long we have lived under the brutal dictatorships of academics lowering our grades, misinterpreting our meanings and just all-around judging us solely for the way we spell. Thank you, Thurtene, for fighting the system. Sure, it makes no logical sense to spell the thirteen that way, but did you give into learning or standardized spelling? No. You stood up and fought the system. You are the JFK, Rosa Parks and Dunkin Donuts of our generation. Thank you, Thurtene. Thenk yu fir fiting four are ritz.
POINT
Yo Mama So Fat
by Karl Narcks, Sophomore
Your mother is unbelievably overweight. Indeed, she is so unbelievably overweight that she cannot sit in a chair without breaking it. I say this quite literally; the other day, your mother came to my house to please me in a sexual manner and she sat down at my kitchen table. Upon sitting, the chair began to splinter apart and she fell to the ground as it gave out due to the force of gravity exerted upon her ample mass. In another instance, your mother was so incredibly massive that when she attempted to bungee jump, the bridge to which she was tied broke. Instead of the cord snapping up in order to propel your mother into the air, she plunged into the river below. The weight required to break such a cord is very large, indicating the rotund nature of your mother. These are just a few of the examples by which I wish to explain to you how corpulent your mother is.
COUNTER-POINT
Yo Mama So Stoopid by Jim Slims; Senior
While you have enlightened me as to the physical state of my own maternal figure, you have failed to take into consideration the fact that your own mother is quite unintelligent. In fact, I recall one occasion in which your mother attempted to watch the television program "60 Minutes." It took her one hundred and twenty minutes to watch the entirety of the program, which is antithetical to the its title, suggesting that she is so deficient in brain capacity that it required twice as long as a normal person for her to complete the show. I am forced to recognize another instance that demonstrates the imbecilic nature of your mother. I can recall a situation in which there was an emergency and I asked your mother to call 911 for me. In response, she questioned me as to what the number was, even though the number for 911 is self-evident. I have many more examples of your mother's simplemindedness, but the aforementioned will suffice for the moment.
Volume 5, Issue 6
Friday, April 9, 2009
WUnderground Personal Ads Nora Roberts novels. Knowledge turns my pages, so you should be a bookish boy with a profound underMarried white man seeks single white female. I am a high-power uni- standing of seventeenth century erotic fiction. Bring your library versity administrator seeking a sinlogin, because I'm looking for a man gle white woman. I enjoy all things grand: wing-tipped shoes and high- who likes to go down in the stacks. end cuff links. I am looking for a Single girl seeks college boy. I'm a woman with small breasts, a volumi- sexy eighteen year-old student who nous brain and most importantly, loves to party and is looking for someone who shares my passion for someone to show me the glamorous myself. If that describes you, come university nightlife. You should be a with me and explore our covalent Greek boy 19-23 looking for a lovely bonds. Prefer woman in walking lady. I'll be drunkenly stumbling distance of Forsyth mansions. around frat row tonight in a blue
Seeking Relationships
Single macho male seeks single female. I'm a fit ass man who works in food services at a local university and is looking for a good time. I like to get d-runk and disorderly at work, and if you've got a problem with that, then good luck trying to get extra guacamole with your quesadilla, you asshole. You should be sixteen or seventeen years old. Badonkadonk a must. Underage man seeks new identity from California, Florida, or New York.
dress showing lots of boobage. Bring a white rose and some wine coolers to sweep me off my dancing feet. Straight white male seeking straight male companion. I'm just a regular dude who likes to party, hang out with my bros and throwing the disk around. If you want a hetero life partner, drop me a line and we'll head out to some clubs to get down. I frequent the Loading Zone, Manhole and the Meat Locker, so I hope you like to part-ay your ass off.
Single Hispanic man seeks single white female. I. Am well-built Latin I'm a chill dude just looking for a good time with a sexy lady. I for sure hombre. My olive skin glows in the want a night of drunken passion that sunlight as sweat glistens off of my muscular back. You. Are a single will leave you wanting more in the white mujer with permanent resimorning, when I'll want you to get dency looking to marry soon. Lláout of my bed. I like a woman who does not feel ashamed walking home mame, and let our love grow like the tulips I planted last September in the in the same clothes she wore the Brookings Quad. night before. I hope you like to travel, because we're headed to Paris SWF seeking SWM from Short Hills, to see the Eiffel Tower. New Jersey. Conspicuously shady youth looking for young middle or upper class man to chill with. I'll be waiting at the corner of University Drive and Melville Avenue tomorrow at nine PM. I'll wear a dark hoody and baggy pants. Come alone and unarmed. Bring your wallet.
bottle of sleeping pills. Your tortured frown spoke of an emotional depth of which I have only dreamed. I was standing next to the exit wearing a Jack Skellington hoodie. Call me and let's start our lives together. I saw you at the gas station last month. You were putting gas in your four-wheeled car at the same time I was. I kind of looked at you and you looked back in my general direction. You were driving down Snow Drive Tuesday at ten AM on a pink scooter. You almost ran over a man in a white vest, and he wants to meet you. You knocked the wind out of me as I tumbled to the ground, and you stole my heart. Come back to me, scooteréd goddess. Last night at Zales, you were buying a wedding band, holding hands with some man (your brother?) and I was buying an engagement ring at the counter next to you. Our eyes met. I was too embarrassed to say anything because you were kissing your brother and did not want to interrupt. I watched you shower last night in the DUC. The camera perfectly captured the Garfield tattoo on your left cheek and the beauty of your booty. Let me cleanse you with my enormous loofah. I am the shoes sales specialist at Dillards and was mesmerized by your size sixes last Monday. The way those mauve floral encrusted sandals with PVC insock, cotton heel, and natural jute effortlessly clung to your splendiferous heel sharpened my stiletto. I want to caress your feet.
White man from Chicago looking for woman of any race from Chicagoland area to drive home with Last Saturday at three AM, you were after finals. I can't afford to help with drunk and making out with my gas, but I will let you take me for a roommate. I was being thrown out of ride. the room. Our eyes met as you shoved your tongue down his throat, Missed connections and I knew you were wishing it were Naughty girl seeking bad boy. I am a my mouth you were exploring. Let's You were at Schnuck's last Friday at sexy lady with blonde hair, short around 11 PM buying a noose and a make that voyage a reality. plaid skirts and a love of reading
Reasons We Aren’t Graduating 1. Clusterfucked 2. Beer, bitches, bros, bitches 3. Overdue library book 4. Stepped on seal 5. SLU Student 6. On the john 7. Judicial Administrator 8. Undercredit/Overcredit 9. Failed Writing One 10. Department Canceled by Engineering School
The Wash U men's basketball team beat Richard Stockton College 61-52 to win their second National Championship in two years. What do you think?
Gino Digiorno; T-shirt salesman, Italian “Tell me what in the hell I am going to do with ten thousand 'Stockton College 2009 Champions' shirts?”
Wash U Bear; Mascot, Bloodthirsty Killing Machine, Illiterate
ESPN; Entertainment & Sports Programming Network, Testosterone Haven
Beef Cake; Class of 2010, Bear’s Forward, Moron
“RAAARRRRWWWWWGGGGG GHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
“We congratulate University of Washington at St. Louis for their victory! Go huskies!”
“I sho proofs I diserf mai merit skolarship!”
George Washington; Founding Father, Hypocrite “Basket what?”