Like us? Email us and get a WUnderground fridge magnet! (Seriously) Volume 5, Issue 3
Monday, October 27, 2008
Psych Department Tests Birth Control Placebo Effect
are randomly assigned to one of two groups, both of which will take unmarked pills provided by Dr. Hoover once a day for a year. One group's pills will be a reputable, namebrand birth control. The other group's pills will contain a placebo. Over Participants in the placebo group noted side effects the course of the test year, such as mood swings and early morning vomiting. the students will be The WashU community has required to keep an excruciatingly expressed concern over research detailed written and photographic ethics in a controversial new study log of all sexual activities and any being undertaken by the department resultant pregnancies of psychology. The study is aimed at The design of the study has testing findings published last month birthed outrage among students and by researchers at the University of faculty. On Tuesday, the department Washington suggesting that women of women and genders studies who perceive that they are on birth published a letter written to the control, regardless of whether or not psychology department decrying the they are, are less likely to become "gender exceptionalism in the study's pregnant. disregard for the possibility that men "As the nation's leading might not be equally vulnerable to Washington University, we are the placebo effect and in turn just as taking this opportunity to confirm likely to become pregnant." the claims of our counterparts in When informed that his girlfriend Seattle via field research," said Dr. was a member of the study, Robert Hoover, the study's architect. sophomore and active Greek life The study consists of a doubleparticipant Jared Brown remarked: blind test in which female subjects "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."
Dr. Hoover, however, defended the study against its concerned critics: "If there is a placebo effect associated birth control, a low cost alternative to fully active birth control can be distributed in lower socio-economic spheres, groups that would otherwise not take be able to afford artificial contraception." Yet many of the study's opponents argue that Hoover has been reckless in designing the study, noting that the psychology department had not made contingency plans, should the placebo effect be found to be false. "How much do abortions cost?" asked a study participant on the condition of anonymity. When informed of the average price of the procedure the participant remarked that she would "have to do about 500 psych tests to cover that." "There are certainly risks," acknowledged Dr. Hoover. "However, how often do students get to be on the cutting edge of [pseudo-science]?" A phone call to a suspected fetus was not immediately returned.
Pre-Debate Anonymity Returns to WUSTL Since the lights dimmed on the Vice-Presidential candidates, the thousands of cameras stopped rolling, and the Athletic Complex slowly degenerated into a 1920s basketball stadium, Washington University has reclaimed its role as the nation's leading obscure institution of higher education. After three hours of international fame, the WUSTL community is reluctantly adjusting to the fact that no one who matters has any idea what or where Washington University is. Students appear the hardest hit. "I was sitting at the airport in my WashU hoodie when the man sitting next to me asked me how I liked Seattle," said senior and Rosh Hashanah pilgrim Alex Goldfarb. "The St. Louis airport," he added sardonically. The withdrawal of media attention and pre-debate levity has reawakened tensions within some students toward deficiencies they feel exist within the university. "I wish they would have put one of those 30-foot long, green vinyl 'Washington University' signs on the Sociology building," said over-involved junior Javier Hernandez. "Oh wait, you can't HANG A SIGN ON A BUILDING FOR A DEPARTMENT THAT DOESN'T EXIST," he screamed at a wincing reporter. Other students are experiencing anxiety from the absence of
$4.00/share assuming gov't bailout
WUnderground Political Food for Thought Q : What if there was a tie in the electoral college? A : According to the Constitution, if the Electoral College ends in a tie, the sitting president will receive one more term until the respective parties can select candidates capable of capturing a majority.
Students Walk In, Pass Out Stud Life: Obama Stands in for Biden
Sexually Frustrated Post-Doc Pining to Get "Under Graduates" A&S Professors Consider Teaching
High Holidays Spur Campus Exodus
Some students continue to carry signs with them in hopes of sharing their profound insights with the world.
opportunities to be on television. One undergraduate was seen giving an interview to an Oak tree possessing a knot whose grain resembled the angular facial bone structure of CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. Students are not the only members of the WUSTL community to note the effects of the university's meteoric fall into to the depths of oblivion. Nanette Tarbouni, Director of Undergraduate Admissions noted that the admissions office is drafting a pamphlet to be included with this year's undergraduate application booklet titled "What's In A Name?" aimed at targeting students considering Northwestern University, a school similar to Wash U in most
attributes, but possessing a name that employers have heard of in insufferable dinner conversation with their wives' fruity intellectual acquaintances. Officers of the campus police department, now relieved of antiterrorist work, are scouring campus for work. WUPD has established a new field office at a high-boy table in Bears Den, allowing campus law enforcement officers to sit in Bears Den for hours, gathering potential new leads by chatting with students and eating quesadillas. Chancellor Mark Wrighton released a statement Friday expressing his "dismay that such an opportunity to orally interface with CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
Economic Troubles Sink Arab Hotel Chain Ramada-dan Bondage Club Journal Soliciting Submissions
Volume 5, Issue 3
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Undersexed Political Cartoonist Does the Debate
Biden Misconstrues Palin’s Winks During VP Debate
Anonymity Returns to WUSTL CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
pupils for the satisfaction of my constabulary duty to provide annually photographic evidence of such interfacing to the Board of Trustees shall not be replicated again until the next debate is held at Washington University." One of the three pictures taken of Wrighton stiffly posing with students at the filming of CNBC's "Hardball" will be selected by the Chancellor to replace the faded, curling picture of Bill Gates' 1997 Assembly Series speech located in the "Hall of Propaganda" outside the admission office in Brookings Hall. At the time of printing, the Board of Trustees approved funding for WashU to submit a debate site application for every election from now until the inevitable crumble of our fading republic.
chill out little Joe!
W U n der gr ou n d is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the finance industry. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious … at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.
Men Eagerly Await Return of Whore-O-Ween After twelve sexually tepid months, iCal reminders campus-wide are heralding the return of the collegiate man's favorite holiday: Whore-o-ween. Brought to colleges across the United States by a decline in propriety and an increase in women attending college beginning in the 1970s, Whore-o-Ween is the fall semester's signature hedonistic blowout. Beginning in the early 1980s as an innocuous celebration of the Halloween tradition many coeds enjoyed as children, All Whore's Eve has transformed over the decades into corporate celebration at its best. Unchecked sexuality, unabashed gluttony, and uncontrollable avarice for unchecked sexuality and unabashed gluttony will rule the evening on Friday, October 31st and likely on Thursday, October 30th as well as for part of the night on Wednesday, October 29th, after revelers get some work done and have time to tape their boobs up. "It's. The. Greatest. Holiday. Ever." said seasonal slut Kristen Gillen. "I can indulge my love for themes with my need to dress like a floozie, all
with impunity!" The most revered practice of the holiday is the selection and display of the traditional Whore-o-ween costume. While conventionally, disguises are a way of warding off ghosts or intimidating your neighbors into paying for their half of having the trees on the property line removed, on Whore-o-ween the scant smattering of rayon and vinyl afforded by naughty costumes shroud coeds from judgment of repercussions – if not from masturbatory mental images being snapped by desperate men. However, retail statistics show that men are increasingly embracing costumes as well. Themed couples costumes sales are exceeding retail analysts' estimates. "Current events themed pairs are a big seller this year," said Gracelyn Cunningham, owner of Party City on Lindbergh Boulevard. "Bend-me-over Broker and Drooping Dow have been flying off the shelves, as have our McCain/Palin: Lecher and Librarian set." Cunningham noted that saucy religious plays are always especially popular: "we always stock up on Mary Magdalene and well-hung
Jesus." While retailers and students alike anxiously await the final night of October, leaders of campus ministry from all faiths have issued a joint statement reminding us that the true spirit of Whore-O-Ween is "to prepare for All Skanks' Day, when millions of women wake up with a hangover in the bed of a disgusting stranger and shamefully stumble home in their slutty, itchy costumes." “I’ve been a plain old hooker for the last 14 Halloweens so this year I wanted to step it up a bit--I’m going to be Captain Hooker,” explained junior and Whore-OWeen veteran Maggie Janek.
Dramatic Forces Withdraw From Shower After minutes of intense negotiations, Stephanie Wang has finally withdrawn from her position in the Shower. The Shower is located in the Bathroom, a highly contested region wedged between the Koenig 224 and 225 dorm rooms. Factions on either side of the disputed Bathroom region have been in a fierce passive-aggressive battle since August 2008, but the source of the conflict is not confirmed. A statement from the room 225 territory claims rogue forces from the room 224 province "stupidly" left a quesadilla in a cupboard located
in the Bathroom over a weekend. Room 224, however, denies this claim. Sources from this side have alleged that the hostility began when an unknown party believed to be affiliated with "those bitches" in room 225 engaged in "disgustingly loud" sexual activity in the Toilet Stall that lies near the border of the Bathroom. Tensions escalated Sunday when Ms. Wang of room 224 entered the Shower and refused to leave for a length of time estimated at "like a fucking half-an-hour." Short occupations of the Shower
are generally ignored by both sides of the standoff, but Ms. Wang's actions were perceived to be confrontational due to the timing and duration of her venture. "I had goddamn Chapter on Sunday night," a spokeswoman from room 225 said. "I just finished spinning class. I can't go to Chapter smelling like a raccoon! It's Chapter!" All-out war was closely averted when an unidentified conflictresolution agent started running water in the Bathroom sink, which persuaded Ms. Wang to begin withdrawal.
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief
Staff Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt
Contributors Daniel Arteaga Alexandra Bursak Brandon Buyers Sheyna Ezrapour Mike Friend Edward Lu John Moynihan Jenna Stempel Alex Taylor Michael Yang We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or underwrite, email us at
wundergr@su.wustl.edu
and join our Facebook group!
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
Editorials
In It For The Long Haul: Part III
Guys, I stand before you a broken man. I was so convinced me Chris Helmholz, and my high Class of 2012 school girlfriend would work, I thought I could really be in it for the long haul, but somewhere along the line, it got screwed up. My girlfriend came to visit me this past weekend on her break from U of State, and I thought we had fallen into weekend-newlywed form again. I was wining and dining her at Ibby's, Bear's Den, and Ursa's, spending meal points like I didn't have a care in the world, but on Sunday, after two days of bliss, she sat me down and broke up with me. I was devastated. I couldn't figure out what I had done, but it slowly dawned on me. All the guys hanging around her all the time, all the snickers when I went to visit her, so I started to do some digging. Lo and behold, on her best friend Slate's Facebook profile, there's an album, I guess named for the late -90's alt-metal band, called "Giant Orgy" with this picture of her. I didn't know what to think at first, but I realize it was probably for the best. I mean, could I be in a relationship with someone that cheated on me so devastatingly? She's actually kissing another
guy in this photo. I know she's affectionate, but this is too much. That mouth-tomouth contact is deplorable, and the mere thought of me smooching with her after that is enough to make my stomach churn. I hope whoever this guy is can make her as happy as I did, but I doubt it. I hope she's happy, I sincerely do. As for me, I'm back on the singles market for the first time in three years, and I don't know what to do with myself. Look out, ladies, I'm going to Hollister to get some new cargo shorts, Abercrombie for some Fierce, and I don't know if anything can stop me now.
The Career Center
is proud to release, after years of intensive research, a list of the top 6 most desired occupations at WU!
30 25 20 15 10 5
Estranged Penniless Inheritor Corporate Dermatologist Investment Banker Lawyer Trophy Academic Spouse
Occupation
The horrifying evidence.
I’m Going to Have the Sickest Bauhaus Costume Ever
It's almost Bauhaus time, which means Tony Nolan, another night Class of 2010 of ugly girls dressing up as hot girls, freshmen grinding on each other and meeting someone who will cause them to exclaim "I am never drinking again" in a venue other than the frats, and more awesome party puns from the Architecture school (we're totally gonna get Antonio Raudi, am I Frank Lloyd Wright?). Normally I don't really give a shit about Bauhaus, but this year I'm totally going to be the envy of every Scream-mask-wearing and Dick-in-abox wannabe. That's right, I've got the sickest Halloween costume ever. Let me give you a few clues: my costume's character was played by one of the most tragic young actors of our time whose career was cut frightfully short by some bad choices. Further, my character tends to get a little angry when he's serious. Catch my drift? And perhaps most obvious of all: I'm going to be wearing quite a bit of face paint when I barge into wild as the most bad as incarnation of the most badass villain from the greatest superhero movie ever… The Incredible Hulk's people punching mean, green machine: The Abomination Like I had to spell it out for you? Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Tony, isn't everyone going to be dressed up as the Abomination?" Given the quality of Tim Roth's performance in the role and the tragic
Monday, October 27, 2008
% of WU Community
Volume 5, Issue 3
career suicide he committed by taking it, there's no doubt there's going to be a long line of Abominations waiting to get into the big white tent in the Kemper parking lot. However, it's the quality of my costume that's going to make all of the other 'nations cower in fear. And here's why: my cousin played The Abomination in The Hulk that came out a few years ago that totally blew, and it grossed so little that they could only pay him his costume. So I'm gonna have a real fuckin' costume, not some shitty arts and crafts paint and a lame exoskeleton dug up from the nearby graveyard glued on the front. Second, I've been working on that insanely scary accent ever since the movie came out and blew everyone's mind. All my friends tell me I can make Abomination-like grunting noises better than anyone. Plus, my jumping skills are unmatched. I'll challenge any cocksucker dressed as the Hulk to a match to see who can jump further. No way the Abomination loses this one! And let's not forget that my dad works in Hollywood, so if I need to fly some make-up artists or acting coaches in last-minute to make my Abomination costume blow everyone else's out of the water, I can. I haven't really been able to get in touch with him recently, but by the time Bauhaus rolls around it shouldn't be a problem; he should be done working on that shitty ass Batman sequel he's been directing by then.
Q & A with David Banner
Hours before his performance at WILD, rapper and record producer David Banner sat down in the Hurst Longue for a reading of his work with the faculty of the English department. Of marked interest to the department, Banner, whose real name is Lavell Crump, penned his senior thesis at Princeton University on the works of Geoffery Chaucer. Bellow is a selected transcript of the enlightening reading's Q&A session. Dr. Pelter Koofs: Sup playa. In yo thesis, you is constantly holla'n at the farmer in the Canter clique. What's up with that?
Koofs
Mr. Banner: Indeed. While making a broader argument about how each of the Canterbury Tale's character represents a segment of British society during that time, I found it particularly applicable to zoom in on the characterization of the farmer – as agriculture wielded immense power at this point in time. Dr. Pelter Koofs: Word.
Bonilsky
Dr. Harry Bonilsky: Mr. Banner, although the text of the Canterbury Tales leaves us with little sensory or aesthetic detail regarding the specific appointments of those traveling, but could you help a brotha out and delineate whether the cats in this Canter-posse were strapped with gats as well as any speculation regarding the diameter of the wheels on the summoner's wagon during the Friar's Tale? Mr. Banner: Absolutely. Although venturing outside the text is certainly something I would refrain from, we can make certain assumptions based on history. It would be highly unlikely that the <sips water>, excuse me, that the pilgrims would be armed. However, historians chronicling transportation during this time have revealed that wagon wheels often exceed 48" in diameter during this time. Dr. Bonilsky: Holla!
Dillon
Dr. Bruce Dillon: Daaaayyyyyymmmmm. Dept. Chair Lofton: That's wassup.
Student: Mr. Banner, how did you end up in rap music after Princeton?
Lofton
Mr. Banner: Bombed the LSAT.
David Banner opened for Talib Kwali at last week's WILD.
Volume 5, Issue 3
WUnderground Celebrates Progression of a Witch...
Monday, October 27, 2008
Favorite Dance Marathon Hours 1. Hour 12 of 12 2. Hour 11 of 12
3. Hour 10 of 12 4. Hour 9 of 12 5. Hour 8 of 12
Progression of a Bunny...
6. Hour 7 of 12 7. Hour 6 of 12 8. Hour 5 of 12
Election Day is only a week away! Are you planning on voting?
Alissa Summer; Co-ed, BA Candidate 2010
Diebold Voting Machine 1001010101, 01011100101
Phyllis Schlafly; Anti-Feminist, Bitch
“Doubt it. Tuesdays are trivia night at Duffy’s.”
“Certainly. The top executives at my manufacturer have programmed me to vote for thousands of citizens.”
“Yes. And I’m planning on trusting the ghost of my husband to make my choice for me.”
Jozef Wojciechowski; Polish Chicago Factory Worker, Deceased 1985
“Twice.”