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Monday, October 27, 2008
Psych Department Tests Birth Control Placebo Effect
are randomly assigned to one of two groups, both of which will take unmarked pills provided by Dr. Hoover once a day for a year. One group's pills will be a reputable, namebrand birth control. The other group's pills will contain a placebo. Over Participants in the placebo group noted side effects the course of the test year, such as mood swings and early morning vomiting. the students will be The WashU community has required to keep an excruciatingly expressed concern over research detailed written and photographic ethics in a controversial new study log of all sexual activities and any being undertaken by the department resultant pregnancies of psychology. The study is aimed at The design of the study has testing findings published last month birthed outrage among students and by researchers at the University of faculty. On Tuesday, the department Washington suggesting that women of women and genders studies who perceive that they are on birth published a letter written to the control, regardless of whether or not psychology department decrying the they are, are less likely to become "gender exceptionalism in the study's pregnant. disregard for the possibility that men "As the nation's leading might not be equally vulnerable to Washington University, we are the placebo effect and in turn just as taking this opportunity to confirm likely to become pregnant." the claims of our counterparts in When informed that his girlfriend Seattle via field research," said Dr. was a member of the study, Robert Hoover, the study's architect. sophomore and active Greek life The study consists of a doubleparticipant Jared Brown remarked: blind test in which female subjects "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit."
Dr. Hoover, however, defended the study against its concerned critics: "If there is a placebo effect associated birth control, a low cost alternative to fully active birth control can be distributed in lower socio-economic spheres, groups that would otherwise not take be able to afford artificial contraception." Yet many of the study's opponents argue that Hoover has been reckless in designing the study, noting that the psychology department had not made contingency plans, should the placebo effect be found to be false. "How much do abortions cost?" asked a study participant on the condition of anonymity. When informed of the average price of the procedure the participant remarked that she would "have to do about 500 psych tests to cover that." "There are certainly risks," acknowledged Dr. Hoover. "However, how often do students get to be on the cutting edge of [pseudo-science]?" A phone call to a suspected fetus was not immediately returned.
Pre-Debate Anonymity Returns to WUSTL Since the lights dimmed on the Vice-Presidential candidates, the thousands of cameras stopped rolling, and the Athletic Complex slowly degenerated into a 1920s basketball stadium, Washington University has reclaimed its role as the nation's leading obscure institution of higher education. After three hours of international fame, the WUSTL community is reluctantly adjusting to the fact that no one who matters has any idea what or where Washington University is. Students appear the hardest hit. "I was sitting at the airport in my WashU hoodie when the man sitting next to me asked me how I liked Seattle," said senior and Rosh Hashanah pilgrim Alex Goldfarb. "The St. Louis airport," he added sardonically. The withdrawal of media attention and pre-debate levity has reawakened tensions within some students toward deficiencies they feel exist within the university. "I wish they would have put one of those 30-foot long, green vinyl 'Washington University' signs on the Sociology building," said over-involved junior Javier Hernandez. "Oh wait, you can't HANG A SIGN ON A BUILDING FOR A DEPARTMENT THAT DOESN'T EXIST," he screamed at a wincing reporter. Other students are experiencing anxiety from the absence of
$4.00/share assuming gov't bailout
WUnderground Political Food for Thought Q : What if there was a tie in the electoral college? A : According to the Constitution, if the Electoral College ends in a tie, the sitting president will receive one more term until the respective parties can select candidates capable of capturing a majority.
Students Walk In, Pass Out Stud Life: Obama Stands in for Biden
Sexually Frustrated Post-Doc Pining to Get "Under Graduates" A&S Professors Consider Teaching
High Holidays Spur Campus Exodus
Some students continue to carry signs with them in hopes of sharing their profound insights with the world.
opportunities to be on television. One undergraduate was seen giving an interview to an Oak tree possessing a knot whose grain resembled the angular facial bone structure of CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. Students are not the only members of the WUSTL community to note the effects of the university's meteoric fall into to the depths of oblivion. Nanette Tarbouni, Director of Undergraduate Admissions noted that the admissions office is drafting a pamphlet to be included with this year's undergraduate application booklet titled "What's In A Name?" aimed at targeting students considering Northwestern University, a school similar to Wash U in most
attributes, but possessing a name that employers have heard of in insufferable dinner conversation with their wives' fruity intellectual acquaintances. Officers of the campus police department, now relieved of antiterrorist work, are scouring campus for work. WUPD has established a new field office at a high-boy table in Bears Den, allowing campus law enforcement officers to sit in Bears Den for hours, gathering potential new leads by chatting with students and eating quesadillas. Chancellor Mark Wrighton released a statement Friday expressing his "dismay that such an opportunity to orally interface with CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
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