To STUDENT NAME or current resident
Volume 5, Issue 2
Monday, September 29, 2008
University Prepares for Vice-Presidential Debate The eyes of the world will turn toward WashU in the first week of October when the university will host the 2008 election's only Vice-Presidential debate. Recently, students have noticed major transformations taking place on the Danforth campus to welcome the candidates, as well as the bevy of staff, press, pundits, and high-dollar prostitutes that will follow them into St. Louis on October 2nd. While the university administration has been taking measures to prepare for the debate since WashU was selected as one of 4 debate locations in June, major infrastructure work began in earnest on August 23rd when Democratic candidate Barack Obama selected Delaware Senator Joe Biden as his running mate. Hours after Obama's announcement in Springfield, IL, Chancellor Wrighton and Arts & Sciences Dean James McLeod drove a golden spike into the first railroad track of the university's new Amtrak railway station constructed on the former site of the Tao Tennis Center. At a cost to the university of nearly $650 million, approximately 1,000 miles of new railroad track are being laid through 10 states to connect the Athletic Complex station to the front door of Senator Biden's Wilmington, DE estate, allowing Biden to continue taking the train home from work as he has for the entirety of his 35 years in the Senate. "The cost is well worth the comfort afforded to this every day, average Joe America," said Chancellor Wrighton at a fundraiser following the spike-driving ceremony. When asked how the railway would benefit students Wrighton remarked, "students?"
Scrambling after the late announcement of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as Republican John McCain's running mate, Top Care crews have worked 38-hour shifts at the direction of slave-driving Clayco landscapers to convert Francis Field, site of the 1904 Olympics, into a worldclass wildlife preserve stocked with native Alaskan species including caribou, polar bears, and salmon. Upon her arrival to campus, Mrs. Palin will be provided an assault rifle and implored to slaughter until her heart's content before skinning her kills and allowing her 17 children to gorge on the raw meat not trucked to the candidate's private jet. Physical improvements to campus aren't the only deviations from normal due to the debate. Bon Apetit, the university catering company fond of reminding students of its own excellence, is taking part in festivities. In the week prior to the debate, students will see "moose burgers" and "Sloppy Joe Bidens" appear on the menus of campus eateries. In addition to the Vice-Presidential likenesses, foods intended to nod the presidential candidates will be added in the form of a special "split-ticket" combo meal consisting of a liver and onions entrée paired with a marble, Oreo cake desert, approved by the McCain and Obama campaigns respectively. Generally, students appear to approve the massive efforts to prepare for the debates. "We might as well do everything we can to keep our 4 election streak going," said freshman Ted Newman, a potential Political Science major and avid Thursday night club-bus patron. "It's the main reason I came
us dollar to meal point exchange rate
Welcome to the Debate
Students may notice a slight increase in security around campus. here – the girls, food, sports, and weather sure as shit weren't." With the common goal of immersing students in the debate frenzy, Brookings and Student Union have teamed up to offer special funds to student groups for programming designed to arouse excitement for the debates and the 2008 election. In turn, nearly every one of the campus' 4,394 clubs is using the additional funding to take its members out to a nice dinner on the university's dime under the guise of "discussing the debate." Extra funding is being allocated to 3 special events scheduled in the days leading up to October 2nd. On Monday, September 29th, XBeautyX will sponsor a naughty, book-banning librarian/Governor Palin dress-up contest in the Gargoyle, with an iPod and a pair of contemporary, rimless eyeglasses going to the winner. Tuesday, September 30th, students will don pads in Bowles Plaza and navigate their way through a simulated "Spin Alley," complete with realistic, hard-hitting cable news reporters. Lastly, on Monday, October 1st, Home Plate will sponsor a dunkbooth at which students may pay $1 for the chance to dunk Nobel Prize winning Economics professor Douglas North into a warm bucket of spit.
Gulf Coast Threatens Rest of Nation With Hurricane Luke gaining strength and speed in the Gulf of Mexico and an evacuation order issued for most of Louisiana and parts of Mississippi, thousands of Midwesterners are boarding up their windows and stockpiling food to prevent destruction from the looming storm of ill-bred, uneducated southerners. Known for their poor performance in failing public schools and their relative inexperience with upperlevel cognition, surges of southerners out of Dixie and into the interior of the nation have been on the rise over the past decade as hurricane seasons become progressively more intense, destroying their primitive shacks, huts, and sod-lined houses. "I can't even imagine if [the storm] were another Katrina," said Houston resident John Sabram, as he lined his windows with copies of thick geometry textbooks. "Wave after wave of
hick and yokel pounded my house at all hours of the day- my daughter can't hear a 'y'all' or 'shucks' without crying hysterically." The news is not bad for all citizens in regions being inundated with Southerners. Business owners in the Midwest have been optimistic. Lane Daniels, owner of The Country Forest Breakfast Hutch, a nationwide novelty-store and food-bag, raves about southern customers. "Business is slow most of the time, but when it's hurricane season, we can practically serve anything and they'll eat it," said Daniels at the store's location west of the Cracker Barrel on I-44. "Last year, [the southerners] kept chewing the plates and were distrustful of the shiny nature of the silverware. We had some trouble with people paying, but by the end of it, we were able to sell most of the livestock they had bartered with for a handsome profit." With this being the third evacua-
$4.00/share assuming gov't bailout
tion order below the Mason-Dixon line this season, experts are in awe of the frequency of these storms. "It was a particularly ignorant year," said National Weather Forecaster David Bannerman. "The combined effects of a year of political jargon on Fox News, an increase in YouTube viewership and a rise in jug-presence in folk bands have created one of the most depressingly obtuse cultural climates we've seen in recent decades."
Student Life Introduces DUC-Themed Weekend Magazine Write-In “Dixie Wrecked” Wins Freshman Council Presidency No Bailout for Campus Lenders WAMWU, Bears Stearns
WebStac Denies Voter Registration After 9:00 P.M. Affluent Father’s Mood Sours as Financial Crisis Deepens Campus Floozie Plans to Attend THURSDAY NIGHT AT SPYGLASS!!!
Final User Uninstalls Ruckus A map showing the current locations of both Luke and, as it’s known across the Northern U.S., Hurricane Cletus
Volume 5, Issue 2
Monday, September 29, 2008
Students Pay Tribute to Foster Wallace with Footnote Memorial Last Friday, thousands of Washington University students gathered in the Quad to pay tribute to the late novelist David Foster Wallace, just hours after he was discovered dead of a self-inflicted gunshot in his Claremont, CA home. Many brought lists of their favorite Wallace-invented words and acronyms and others carried giant commas and dashes to represent his sprawling and lengthy prose style. Most, however, brought along their favorite footnotes from Wallace's influential essays and novels. "I've got all the footnotes about Hal Incandenza from Infinite Jest with me," said senior English major and future failure Margaret Phillips. "The way DFW brilliantly glosses Hal's gradual mental degradation and alienation from society with references to the Oxford English Dictionary gets me so [excited]." Many other students paid similar tribute with footnotes from criticallyacclaimed Wallace works including “The Broom of the System,” "E Unibus
Pluram," and “Everything I Do Every Second of Every Day and More,” Wallace's blog, the hourly entries of which averaged over 23,000 words each. Countless other students chose to personalize their memorials by bringing not only their favorite Wallace footnotes but also many of their own footnotes, modeled after his unironic, postmodern style. "This footnote from Item 12 on page 4 of my first paper in 'Creative NonFiction' means so much to me," said junior Omar Anderson. "It's about how my dog's hearing loss really represents Americans' inability to communicate in a media-saturated society." Said senior Ibi Drew, "I brought all the footnotes from my anthro[pology] papers. Look at this one here…'Ibid, pg. XXV.' How else could I have fit that into my paper without using a footnote?" "I think David really would have appreciated it," she added. A startling disruption to the memorial came around 3 a.m., when freshman
Jonathan Franden, reportedly confused about the nature of the gathering, ran into the Quad shirtless and screaming. "I hate citing my works and shit," yelled Franden. "Let's burn these fuckin' footnotes down!" Mourners were appalled at Franden's insensitivity to footnotes, and booed him from the Quad. Franden, ashamed of his error, was found hanged in his dorm room by police Tuesday morning. A 14-page suicide note was found next to the body – 10 pages of which was footnotes. As Franden explained in the first footnote: "I didn't want to disrupt the linearity of my narrative, but I really needed to say so many of these things and footnotes really were the only way to do it." He added, "I hope this doesn't make reading my thoughts on the spiraling motions of the human mind, why I committed suicide, and the trappings of irony in fiction unbearable."
Teenage Pregnancy Reclaims Popularity After a difficult half-century that evidenced a decrease in childbearing by adolescents, Hollywood is revealing that teenage pregnancy is captivating a new generation of Americans. Polling shows that several forces aligned in 2007 to raise the nation's approval of teenage pregnancy to heights unseen since the Baby Boom of 1944-1953, a finding disconcerting to all parents and most social conservatives. The resurgence has been attributed to, among other things, the sweeping influence of last summer's Academy-Award winning film “Juno,” a comedy chronicling what happens when awkward people forget to pull out. The movie, lauded by hipsters, has been criticized by groups such as Focus on the Family and the Nancy Grace Society for Human-Dumbfuck Crossbreeds as a romanticized version of teen pregnancy that will work only to encourage teens to get pregnant. "I mean, it's not like I saw the movie and said, 'omigod I need to get pregnant right this instant!' " said high school sophomore and expectant mother Amber Thompson. "I put some, like, thought into it?" The teen, now in her third trimester, says “Juno” star Ellen
Paige's quirky, lovable performance was only one of the many factors influencing her decision to get knocked up. Like many embracing the trend, she cites the important of celebrity role models and the media. Perhaps no model is more referenced among the teenage demographic than Jamie Lynn Spears, the loose, 17-year-old sister of popular hick Britney Spears who gave birth this year to a hicklette of her own. Spears came under fire for promoting pregnancy in a recent news conference. "Oh my god y'all!," said Lynn Spears when asked about being fired from her lead role in the Nickelodeon comedy Zoey 101. "Babies is sooo much fun! I luv bein a mama!" Entertainers are not the only prominent figures riding the baby train straight to hell. Like Spears, Granola Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of John McCain's running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, was also inseminated by a teenage redneck with, according to his own parents, no future. "The pregnancy of Sarah Palin's daughter really shows teenage girls that even if your mother is a coldhearted Orwellian dictator, you can still get fertilized by some deadbeat nobody, make it work, and look good while you do it" said vagina specialist and gynecologist Dr. Don Juan.
Margaret Phillips’ impromptu memorial at her desk.
W U n der gr ou n d is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the Vice Presidency. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious … at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief Hoping to cash in on the trend, tween & teen retailer Limited Too will start carrying maternity wear. For girls born in 1989, Mormons and leading stylists note that time to capture the trend is waning, and that peak conception occurs 4 to 5 days before ovulation. They caution, however, that teens should think about the future before they get pregnant. While teen pregnancy may be the 'cool' and 'in' thing this year, trendsetters say the fad may be on its way out. With Portia de Rossi marrying Ellen DeGeneres and Lindsay Lohan clanking clams with Samantha Ronson, lesbian may just be the new, less costly pregnant for 2009.
Staff Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt
Contributors Dan Arteaga Alexandra Bursak Sheyna Ezrapour Michael Friend Yijun Michael Yang We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or Gallicize, email us at
wundergr@su.wustl.edu
and join our Facebook group!
Bon Appetit Welcomes the Vice-Presidential Candidates!
The quintessential American company, Bon Appetit welcomes Governor Palin and Senator Biden to WashU. With an all-American upper management, Bon Appetit seeks the finest in ingredients and recipes to bring freedom-loving students the food they love and expect. Every ounce of subpremium meat or produce is purchased with American dollars and shipped through American ports. It is because of this commitment to quality and country we believe our foodstuffs demonstrate the qualities most important in our nation's leaders, including: Durability Inoffensiveness, so as to be pallatable to millions Elasticity Ability to withstand nuclear attack Experience So welcome to St. Louis candidates and the world at large. Bon Appetit is prepared to serve you in any way possible. It's the Bon Appetit promise. I'll guarantee it personally, just stop by my office at the back of Bear's Den. Sincerely, Ben Apetit; CEO Bon Appetite
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
Volume 5, Issue 2
In It For The Long Haul: Part II
Well, to all the doubters, nay-sayers, and ne'er-dowells who Chris Helmholz, thought my Class of 2012 long-distance relationship with my high school girlfriend would fail, I stand before you triumphant. I just got back from my first weekend visit to U of State, and I wish you guys could have seen it. The way we acted around each other for those two days, it was like being at home, but without a curfew. There was so much cuddling and snuggling, I threw my body-pillow on the floor of my room when I got back. I don't mean to brag about us, but I think what most people fail to understand is the purity that we've both held onto over the course of being together. We've been saving ourselves for each other for so long, it'd be ridiculous to sacrifice it all now over someone who doesn't mean anything. Oh, and you know how I may have been nervous about meeting all her friends who are on the football team? Those guys were great! Chunk, Slab, and Rock knocked on my girlfriend's door at 3 a.m., and were joking around with me like we had been best pals forever. They have this game where they give each other nicknames, and from what I gathered, Chunk was Anaconda, Slab was Big Beef, and Rock was Footlong. My girlfriend must have talked me up to these guys, 'cause I was already dubbed Cocktail
Weenie, I think for my love of Cosmopolitans. I can see why she likes these guys so much. They're a lot of fun to hang out with, and really hospitable. They told me they've been taking great care of her. Of course, I was naieve to think my girlfriend wouldn't change, but the great part is, the changes are good ones. She told me she's stretching more so she can put her legs behind her head, and has been studying some Japanese martial art called Boo-cake or something. I never thought she'd become so cultured, being a small-town girl from the northeast, but she's learning more than I can imagine. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, though. We had a little tiff over one of her Facebook photos, of this guy named John who she's blowing a kiss to in one of her photos. I know I probably got unreasonably upset, but I asked her how she'd like it if I started blowing a kiss to every girl on campus. She eventually calmed me down, though, by saying she's blown tons of guys on campus. It's probably just one of those things she picked up after getting to school, in an effort to be someone new. I can't wait 'til she comes here next month, and then I'll have the homecourt advantage. Until then, I know the football guys are gonna watch her for me, and I'm gonna go to Yankee Candle Company to get some mood accessories. I think we're going to have a very special night, if you know what I mean.
POINT
What a Great Balcony Party!
Jeff Biznowski, Sophomore
Woooooot!! Guess who's finally here? Yea dood, thought we weren't coming!!!! That's fucking right your favorite guys from Eliot. Brian! Holy shit, Brian, how the fuck are you man? Camp again this summer? And Birthright? You were a busy fucking guy this summer I guess that makes it chill you didn't write. Hahaa! Just playin- Sharon Bronson!!! NO! You get over here and give me a hug. Yea, I'm in Eliot. Kinda sucks, bad housing number and whatever. Fuck yea, pour me one! What a great party dude. We pregamed the shit for this, man. We played everything. Fuck the Asshole, King the Dealer, fucking everything, dude. I'm out of my mind wasted. Hahaha, I KNOW dude. Who's getting laid tonight. This guy. Brian, these old dorms are fucking balllllller. Wait. You guys have a fuckin balcony? That is baller assss shitttttt. Dude, let's move it out there. Yea, dood, cmon, let's do shots out there. POWER HOUR, fuck yea. Everbody, we're going to the balconnnnnnny. Balconnnny dance partyyyyy woooooooo!!!!! Bring the iHome, doood. Fuck the RA's! If you get a noise violation, I'll personally skullfuck that guy with my own drunk dick. Let's goooooooo! Holy shit, CHAD FITE. Of course you'd be bogarting the balcony. Gimme a drag off that Swisher, dude. Strawberry, fuck yea, great choice. Hey everybody, out on the balcony!!!! Is there an outlet for the iHome out here? Tunes, man! Let's do a shot every fucking time she says Disturbia! DUM DE DUMM DUM DEEE DUM DUM Brriiiian. Briiiiaiiiian. Looook at theeeeshe focking fressssh fressshma fressshmannn down there. I'm gonnnna yell at em. Fuck your... fuck your fucking RA. What a bitch. I SEEEEEEEEE YOU DOOOOWN THERE FROSHMANNNNNNN!!!!!!! I'm f-fine dood, don't fucking touch me CHOOOOOOOKE ON A DIIIIIIIIIIICKKKKKK FRESSSSSHMAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! What the fuck did that frosh just ::hiccup:: say to me? No, he fuckin said something COME THE FUCCCCK UP HERE AND SAY THAT YOU COCKSMUGGLERRRRRRRR!!!!!! Oh that is fucking it! If he's not coming up here, I'm going to go the FUCK DOWN THERE!!!! No one talks back to me that way. Brian let the fuck go of me man, just man back off bro. I'll get on the rail if I want t-to to get on the fucking railing, I'm going to HEY, DON'T YOU FUCKING WALK AWAY FROSHMAN IM GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND Wuhhhoooahhhh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Monday, September 29, 2008
From: CAPTAIN@WASHUMOCKT RIAL.ORG Subject: Guilty as charge d! To: ENTIRESTUDENTBODY@WUS TL.EDU My esteemed colleagues and friends: You should be the first to know that the Washington University in St. Louis Mock Trial Team is off to another imp ressive season-- and I would say that under oat h! We've got some great new recruits who are liable of having great pot ential! And I don't have any objection to our returning teammembers, either! Our practice rounds have been amazing. If I weren't already the cap tain of the team, I would waive my rights jus t to join! If it's a crime to be exc ited about this season, I'm guilty as cha rged! You should be, too! My sincerest gratitude for your continual support,
Joey Fishers Captain, Washington Univer sity in St. Louis Mock Trial Team
COUNTER-POINT
Did Someone Have a Bit Too Much Fun? Nathan Kortlandt, Junior
Hey pal! Now where did you come from? I'm pretty sure I didn't see you lying there, gurgling and moaning in drunkeness when I walked to Bear's Den. You're making one hell of a scene kid. Look at all of those people sheepishly peering down at you from that balcony party up there on Hitzeman. Listen to that girl screaming. It's like she just saw someone murdered! Must be one doozey of a party. Let me sit down in the grass here for a minute. You look pretty comfortable sprawled out on your back. Now, I don't want to lecture you, but I was an RA last year and I did go through a special ResLife retreat so I could learn how to deal with things like this. I'm not going to write you up, but I am asking that you listen to me. Perfect, it seems like that balcony party is shutting down. The loud music was suddenly shut off, the blinds are closed tight, and everyone rushed inside on their cellphones. Must be going to bed - where you ought to be! Anyway, listen.... Jeff. Okay, okay, you can stop waving your student ID at me, I see your name. Jeff, it happens to the best of us. You go out and get a bit too drunk after a night of trying some different things. It's fine. You need to test your limits now and then, and better here than behind the wheel of a car or in a whorehouse, right? Hah, I'm just kidding. But what I mean to say is you should do it, but when you have a night like this you ought to use the buddy system. Sure looks like you and your buddies tonight had quite a bit of red wine - there's like a gallon of it soaking through your white shirt. Hell, it's running down your arms, and a little of it is still dripping down the corner of your mouth. Tour de Fraznia, huh! Really, though, when testing your limits you have to know there are still limits. If you're going to dive off the deep end, take a buddy! Using that system keeps accidents from happening. Pretty vintage Alcohol EDU stuff. You've got to know that you're not going to be as lucky every night as you are tonight. Hell, your eyes are practically rolling back in your head. Looks like someone needs to get into their extra-long twin and have Mr. Hangover decide whether they have another escapade like this in the near future! Poor guy, you're as good as passed out. I guess it's my job to get you home. Kinda look pretty peaceful, though, lying there flat on your back, gurgling and motioning with your eyes at your awkwardly bent arms and legs. A last bit of red wine sliding down your nostrils. Good things you didn't pass out at the frats, you still have your shoes on! Though, there is a bony object sticking out of the right one. Uh-oh! Hear those sirens? Sounds like WUPD's on the patrol again. I better get you into bed before one of them drives by on their way to the row and sees you. Stop writhing back and forth for a minute! Just lie low for a second while those people scurry out of Hitzeman. Did your back just pop? Asleep again, but with your eyes open. Oh, to be a sophomore again. I bet this is a night you'll never want to wake up from!
Volume 5, Issue 2
Clayco Releases Instructive “Flow Chart” for DUC
Students have been advised by DUC contractor Clayco to abide by the following flow chart when moving through the DUC. Laminated versions of the chart are available at the 9 information desks within the DUC. As of 10/1/2008, those in violation of the traffic patterns outlined in the flowchart will be liable to moving violations issued by uniformed, neon green "Are You Lost" officers.
We thank you for your cooperation in helping to ensure that the DUC runs smoothly & efficiently!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Ineffective Secret Service Disguises
1. Hammock
2. Writing major coordinator 3. Bob, Debbie
The Edison Family Courtyard
Great Fireplace Ibbyʼs Bistro
Great Dining Hall
Southwest Courtyard
Southeast Courtyard
Formal Dining Room
4. Dean Sansalone 5. Attractive co-ed 6. Squirrel
7. Instantly appearing Bank of America ATM 8. Mainstream WILD act 7. Republican
9. Groucho Marx masked Secret Service agent 10. Mr. Wash U
With the failure of Wall Street icon Lehman Brothers, the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America and massive government intervention to save the financial system from meltdown, the economy appears in for tough times. What do you think?
Harrison Berg; Finance Major, Future CFP®
"Entering the job market in this economy makes me think that the American dream of a white picket fence enveloping a 20-acre estate in the Hamptons where your supermodel wife cradles your young, well-bred son in a Lily Pulitzer blanket on your Italian granite front steps is slowly becoming less of a reality for the average American."
Wesley Snipes; Daywalker, Debtor
“Where’s my bailout?”
Wall Street; Marble Symbol of Economic Power, Prick Incubator “I'm awaiting my reinvention as a trendy shopping district and site of a new Barney's Co-Op."
Karl Marx, Comrade, Marxist “Huh.”