To STUDENT NAME or current resident
Volume 5, Issue 2
Monday, September 29, 2008
University Prepares for Vice-Presidential Debate The eyes of the world will turn toward WashU in the first week of October when the university will host the 2008 election's only Vice-Presidential debate. Recently, students have noticed major transformations taking place on the Danforth campus to welcome the candidates, as well as the bevy of staff, press, pundits, and high-dollar prostitutes that will follow them into St. Louis on October 2nd. While the university administration has been taking measures to prepare for the debate since WashU was selected as one of 4 debate locations in June, major infrastructure work began in earnest on August 23rd when Democratic candidate Barack Obama selected Delaware Senator Joe Biden as his running mate. Hours after Obama's announcement in Springfield, IL, Chancellor Wrighton and Arts & Sciences Dean James McLeod drove a golden spike into the first railroad track of the university's new Amtrak railway station constructed on the former site of the Tao Tennis Center. At a cost to the university of nearly $650 million, approximately 1,000 miles of new railroad track are being laid through 10 states to connect the Athletic Complex station to the front door of Senator Biden's Wilmington, DE estate, allowing Biden to continue taking the train home from work as he has for the entirety of his 35 years in the Senate. "The cost is well worth the comfort afforded to this every day, average Joe America," said Chancellor Wrighton at a fundraiser following the spike-driving ceremony. When asked how the railway would benefit students Wrighton remarked, "students?"
Scrambling after the late announcement of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as Republican John McCain's running mate, Top Care crews have worked 38-hour shifts at the direction of slave-driving Clayco landscapers to convert Francis Field, site of the 1904 Olympics, into a worldclass wildlife preserve stocked with native Alaskan species including caribou, polar bears, and salmon. Upon her arrival to campus, Mrs. Palin will be provided an assault rifle and implored to slaughter until her heart's content before skinning her kills and allowing her 17 children to gorge on the raw meat not trucked to the candidate's private jet. Physical improvements to campus aren't the only deviations from normal due to the debate. Bon Apetit, the university catering company fond of reminding students of its own excellence, is taking part in festivities. In the week prior to the debate, students will see "moose burgers" and "Sloppy Joe Bidens" appear on the menus of campus eateries. In addition to the Vice-Presidential likenesses, foods intended to nod the presidential candidates will be added in the form of a special "split-ticket" combo meal consisting of a liver and onions entrée paired with a marble, Oreo cake desert, approved by the McCain and Obama campaigns respectively. Generally, students appear to approve the massive efforts to prepare for the debates. "We might as well do everything we can to keep our 4 election streak going," said freshman Ted Newman, a potential Political Science major and avid Thursday night club-bus patron. "It's the main reason I came
us dollar to meal point exchange rate
Welcome to the Debate
Students may notice a slight increase in security around campus. here – the girls, food, sports, and weather sure as shit weren't." With the common goal of immersing students in the debate frenzy, Brookings and Student Union have teamed up to offer special funds to student groups for programming designed to arouse excitement for the debates and the 2008 election. In turn, nearly every one of the campus' 4,394 clubs is using the additional funding to take its members out to a nice dinner on the university's dime under the guise of "discussing the debate." Extra funding is being allocated to 3 special events scheduled in the days leading up to October 2nd. On Monday, September 29th, XBeautyX will sponsor a naughty, book-banning librarian/Governor Palin dress-up contest in the Gargoyle, with an iPod and a pair of contemporary, rimless eyeglasses going to the winner. Tuesday, September 30th, students will don pads in Bowles Plaza and navigate their way through a simulated "Spin Alley," complete with realistic, hard-hitting cable news reporters. Lastly, on Monday, October 1st, Home Plate will sponsor a dunkbooth at which students may pay $1 for the chance to dunk Nobel Prize winning Economics professor Douglas North into a warm bucket of spit.
Gulf Coast Threatens Rest of Nation With Hurricane Luke gaining strength and speed in the Gulf of Mexico and an evacuation order issued for most of Louisiana and parts of Mississippi, thousands of Midwesterners are boarding up their windows and stockpiling food to prevent destruction from the looming storm of ill-bred, uneducated southerners. Known for their poor performance in failing public schools and their relative inexperience with upperlevel cognition, surges of southerners out of Dixie and into the interior of the nation have been on the rise over the past decade as hurricane seasons become progressively more intense, destroying their primitive shacks, huts, and sod-lined houses. "I can't even imagine if [the storm] were another Katrina," said Houston resident John Sabram, as he lined his windows with copies of thick geometry textbooks. "Wave after wave of
hick and yokel pounded my house at all hours of the day- my daughter can't hear a 'y'all' or 'shucks' without crying hysterically." The news is not bad for all citizens in regions being inundated with Southerners. Business owners in the Midwest have been optimistic. Lane Daniels, owner of The Country Forest Breakfast Hutch, a nationwide novelty-store and food-bag, raves about southern customers. "Business is slow most of the time, but when it's hurricane season, we can practically serve anything and they'll eat it," said Daniels at the store's location west of the Cracker Barrel on I-44. "Last year, [the southerners] kept chewing the plates and were distrustful of the shiny nature of the silverware. We had some trouble with people paying, but by the end of it, we were able to sell most of the livestock they had bartered with for a handsome profit." With this being the third evacua-
$4.00/share assuming gov't bailout
tion order below the Mason-Dixon line this season, experts are in awe of the frequency of these storms. "It was a particularly ignorant year," said National Weather Forecaster David Bannerman. "The combined effects of a year of political jargon on Fox News, an increase in YouTube viewership and a rise in jug-presence in folk bands have created one of the most depressingly obtuse cultural climates we've seen in recent decades."
Student Life Introduces DUC-Themed Weekend Magazine Write-In “Dixie Wrecked” Wins Freshman Council Presidency No Bailout for Campus Lenders WAMWU, Bears Stearns
WebStac Denies Voter Registration After 9:00 P.M. Affluent Father’s Mood Sours as Financial Crisis Deepens Campus Floozie Plans to Attend THURSDAY NIGHT AT SPYGLASS!!!
Final User Uninstalls Ruckus A map showing the current locations of both Luke and, as it’s known across the Northern U.S., Hurricane Cletus