“Thereʼs no ʻwooʼ in WUnderground” Volume 4, Issue 3
Monday, December 10, 2007
Burger Brothel to Whet Appetites In New Student Center
The famous Burger Brothel furburger will be gracing the Danforth Center food court beginning in the fall of 2008.
Burger Brothel, the popular Los Angeles-based restaurant and house of prostitution, has been granted a no-bid contract by WashU food supplier Bon Appétit to establish a flagship franchise location within the new Danforth University Centerʼs food court. The kinky upscale fast-food chain, known for its restaurantsʼ famous “golden towers,” will be located in a prime location at the center of the second-floor eating hub, allowing patrons unobstructed views of unknowing strangers in the atrium below. When ʻthe Brothel opens with the
Danforth center in the fall of 2008, students will have the opportunity to sample such exotic menu items as “pita and hummers,” “fellatiocini,” “southern-style tossed salad,” “rusty trombologne,” and the classic “furburger.” Each meal comes with the added option of various inter-courses between appetizers, entrees, and desserts following a brief refractory period. According to Burger Brothel spokespimp Flava Mack, the restaurant is “not your average fast food joint, because in place of that boring fried potato crap, our servers ask ʻWould you like sex with that?ʼ” Hungry students with meal points to spend can order the “magnum meal,” which includes a foot-long kosher dildo dog, two chicken breasts, and six double stuf-Oreos for dessert. Each magnum meal will include one Lifestyles brand latex condom and a packet of “Fancy Ketchup” flavored “Fancy Lube” stapled to the bag. For students on the go, the Burger Brothel will offer the “first timer,” a value meal which is done before they can even place their order. Jud Brumfeld, the Director of Acquisitions for Bon Appétit is very, very excited about the prospect of adding Burger Brothel to the already wide selection of eateries on campus. “Students here work hard and play hard,” said Brumfeld. “Well, now they can eat hard too.” Katherine Green, Assistant Dean of Students, believes that having
Nude Man Tazing Craze Spreads to Art School
Last Monday night, Washington University police used stun gun force to subdue Darryl Johnson, a man whose only crime appears to be public display of full-frontal male nudity. At 6:15 PM, WUPD received an anonymous tip from a student that a mysterious pierced man was standing naked in front of an entire classroom full of students. His genitalia were completely visible and they were, according to the call, "shocking." According to the police report, no explanation was initially given for the man's nudity. "Darryl is our nude model," explained second year art student Sunshine Lovespread (formerly known as Erma Goldfarbstein). "And he's brilliant. The negative space made by the cross-section of his phallus, testicular sac and the bolt passing through his urethra is something truly wondrous. I've been drawing his genitals alone for over a month." Based on accounts from Lovespread and several other art students in professor Stickfigure's Advanced Human Anatomy class,
Mr. Johnson was simply posing when the events transpired. The class was quietly working on grasping the true essence of Johnson's areolas when WUPD Officer Billy Bob Eagleton burst through the classroom door, shouted "They'll be no naked men on my watch!" and attacked J ohnson with a stun gun. Although witnesses claim Johnson made no attempt to fight the officer, Eagleton called in for reinforcements and was soon joined by five more WUPD officers. After nearly an hour of beating, Johnson was tazed a total of twenty-three times and received a mild case of a broken skullcap from blunt force trauma inflicted by six nightsticks repeatedly bashing his cranium, injuries WUPD says were unfortunate but unavoidable. "It was the most atrociously fucked up thing I had ever seen," said art school sophomore and Phallic Sculpture major Sapphire Rosegarden. "We sat at our desks, trying to frantically keep up with everything, but it was just moving too
Burger Brothel on campus may help combat the growing trend of students going to Bears Den and bringing food back to their rooms. She reasons, “Why eat in when you can eat out?” The addition of Burger Brothel is not without controversy. At a sneakpreview taste testing session hosted by Burger Brothels representatives, some members of the WashU community expressed their distaste for the restaurantʼs theme. “I think that names like ʻFacial Fajitasʼ are an insult to the independent, intelligent women that go to this university,” remarked Gender Studies Senior Lecturer Jennifer Friedan, while squeezing a packet of sourcream onto a quesadilla cooked in a special machine that burns a smiling human likeness onto every tortilla. “No matter how damn good they are.” Burger Brothel currently has 68 locations in 15 states and Amsterdam, though Mack notes that they are “constantly erecting” new stores across the country. While he acknowledges that the restaurant may rub some students the wrong way, he encourages everyone to be open to a little experimentation. “Besides,” he divulges, “the food ainʼt bad, either.” Zagatʼsʼs Restaurant Guide gives Burger Brothel a “four spoons” rating out of five.
$275 Million for 10 years
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26 Shopping Da y s Un t il B oxing D a y (Canada)
Buried WUnderground: Assembly-Series Announces More Convenient 11:00 PM Tuesday Night Time
Wrighton Blue-Lights Sexual Assault Coordinator
Disappointed Saarsgard Un-founds Mama's Pot Roast
Rowling Outs James of Giant Peach Fame
Prince Albert in a can: Johnson attempted to avoid being tazed, to no avail.
fast." The students looked on helplessly as Johnson repeatedly called out, "Don't taze me, pig!" but the only answers to his calls were the tens upon dozens of volts of electricity the officers sent surging through his body. The image of Johnson's bloodied frame as it was propelled across the classroom was just too much for some of the students to cope with. "How were we supposed to sketch all those officers?" Rosegarden posited. "And the excruciating pain on Darryl's face? I couldn't capture all of that using this medium." Students witnessing the event say the pain on Mr. Johnson's face was unbearable to watch, but Officer CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
Vin Diesel Ominously Silent
Rich Kid Gets European Car
Everything Just Fine in Engineering Department
Transparency Projector Used
Volume 4, Issue 3
Monday, December 10, 2007
Michigan Study Reports Alcohol Does Make You Cooler
A recent study conducted at the University of Michigan has confirmed what many college and high school students have long thought to be true: alcohol does indeed make you cooler. The study, which incorporated the Departments of Biology, Psychology, Sociology, and Women's Studies, reported its initial results Thursday, stating that "consuming alcohol increases both coolness and the chance of liver cirrhosis. The study is a major innovation in terms of alcohol understanding as well as information sharing between university departments. Michelle Beally, professor of Women's Studies at the university, had this to say: "We were all very excited with the results. For me, I was just happy to finally get to use my major, which up until now I didn't realize was possible. While alcohol undeniably does make one cooler the study also
warned against excessive consumption of alcohol. "Not drinking is undeniably 'not cool' and often places one into what we like to call the 'pre-med' category," explained Jeff Gill, a project leader. "Drinking occasionally is often the most important way of showing how cool you are, yet drinking heavily can sometimes lead to 'uncool' things, such as vomiting on your neighbor's dog, repeatedly telling strangers you love them, and betting on the Rams to win." The study also found drinking to be When asked about the specific binary. One should either consume an effects of alcohol on college students, Gill stated "Well, drinking entire bottle, as shown above, or none at all. too much can lead to expulsion from school. Yet I'm pretty sure that a later negative effects of overconsumption, study will also prove this cool, if my these side effects are not the only wife running away with some dirty ones that can occur. Such things mechanic is any indicator. God, I involve dizziness, crapping yourself, hate you Victoria." forgetting how to spell alcohol, and While the study did mention the finding Carlos Mencia funny.
Health Nut Goes Nuts After Eating Nut
The Saint Louis County Department of Health has issued a healthcode violation citation to Bear's Den, Washington University's premier dining establishment, after a student partially consumed a deep-fried human testicle that was masquerading as a soy nugget. At 1:58 AM on Friday, November 16th, junior Thad Fineberg, a member of Project Earth Day, and self-proclaimed "health freak," left his residence at the WashU co-op and went to Bear's Den for a late-night snack with his housemates. "We'd been smoking our EPAbrand gravity bong and doing reduced-calorie, wheat grass-flavored vodka shots, so naturally our tummies were rumbling," said Fineberg. "Since we'd eaten nothing that day but Tofurky Jurky and fresh cheese from the house goat, we decided to slum it and get some soy nuggets." Little did Fineberg know what he was about to sink his teeth into. Halfway through his order, Fineberg bit into a strangely spherical nugget. Senior Jeffrey Milner noticed the inner nugget resembled a testicle cross-section from middle school health class by the nugget's elongated vas deferens, the duct responsibly for moving sperm forward during ejaculation. Elise Golden, a junior biology major and campus slut, confirmed Milner's observation. "I may not know much, but I know the male anatomy," Golden said. "Thad was eating some guy's nut." Fineberg described the testicle as
"salty-tasting" and "really chewy, like a squid's balls." He realized mid-mastication that his housemate's suspicion was true but, instead of spitting, decided to swallow. The students brought the remaining half testicle to WUPD, where Chief of Police Don Strom filed a report with the Department of Health. Following a brief investigation, health Bearʼs Den workers enjoy a rare moment to converse officials temporarily shut with one another, presumably about the eveningʼs down Bear's Den, deeming events. WUnderground reporters on scene were the beloved dining center unfortunately unable to discern their vernacular. "unsanitary," "convenient Bear's Den, in a reserved booth for students," and "so many kinds of underneath pictures of WashU's fucked up." "Without a doubt, the fried testicle asian cheerleading corps. Both men ordered steamed lobster, fresh from accedes FDA-approved levels of the Mississippi River. male reproductive organs in food The Department of Health plans products," said Saint Louis County to further investigate the incident and Department of Health Director hopes, with the help of DNA testing, Michael Harwell at his weekly Q & A to track down the ball's owner. in the basement of City Hall. Harwell is optimistic about the "Whereas sizeable amounts of investigation. However, the semen are acceptable—nay, Department's efforts may be too little, expected—in college campus food too late. and Subway's fat-free honey On November 20th, Fineberg was mustard, an entire family jewel is out hospitalized for post-traumatic stress of the question." disorder. His condition is stable, but An hour after closing Bear's Den, he continues to suffer from castration Harwell, who had gotten wind of the anxiety and Lance Armstrongannual Friday night Fish Fry, themed hallucinations. The WashU reopened the dining area. Cheers from an emaciated and malnourished community prays for Fineberg and wishes him a speedy recovery. student body echoed far and wide. That evening, Harwell dined with Gil Montgomery, Head Manager of
Nude Man Tazing Craze Spreads to Art School (from pg. 1)
Eagleton had a differing account of the incident: "The only person in excruciating pain was me. Art was being bastardized in that classroom," claimed the thirty-four year old officer. In a recent interview, Eagleton suggested Mr. Johnson's nakedness was not the issue; his penis was. "As a Greek Classicist, I feel the white, male human body is a glorious and beautiful creation of the gods." What exactly qualifies Eagleton to call himself a "Greek Classicist" is unknown, but according to employment records he obtained an Associate's Degree in art from University City Community College in 1993. "By Zeus," he continued, "every time I see Michelan-
gelo's David, I make my own little statue, if you catch my drift. But when I got a lead that there was a naked man flaunting his pierced cock and balls in front of an entire classroom full of young, white, impressionable male students... that's just something the Greeks would never do." Whatever Eagleton's true motivations, his actions have been lauded by the university. In fact, he is to be honored with WUPD's Hero of the Month Award at a reception next week aboard Chancellor Wrighton's personal jet. Despite general outcry from the local art community, after the university's administration heard of Officer Eagleton's "heroic willing-
ness to blindly take on all forms of subversion," he was offered a new position as Executive Vice Chancellor for Subverting Subversion on Washington University in Saint Louis' Danforth Campus. As part of his new position, Eagleton is to receive a 2008 Ford Escape with a depiction of Michelangelo's David adorning the hood. He plans to take his message on the road, teaching local elementary school students about the dangers of modern art and nonconformity. As for the nude model, Darryl Johnson lays in a persistent vegetative state. He may never model nude again, though according to Rosegarden, Mr. Johnson is "way easier to draw now. He barely moves at all."
Why Arenʼt We Going to South 40 Sunshine?
50%
Too intellectual
13% The Sun
3%
Victorian Standards of Attractiveness
34%
Self - Respect
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Tom Sizemoreʼs career prospects. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious… at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional. Dennis Mickley Commander in Chief Bill Brasky Fire Chief Arju Chief Import Elizabeth Romaner Empress of Japan Jason Feldman Master Chief Chiefs of Staff: Spencer Berry Claire Burghoff Aleya Broadway Jeremy Carroll Bobby Harvey Rex Harrison Leah Marks Danny McCullough Nora Tane We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or replace our conventional light bulbs with CFLs, email us at wundergr@su.wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!
Volume 4, Issue 3
Monday, December 10, 2007
Opinion: Suits Are Life by Chancellor Wrighton
Every man, woman, and child should own a suit. If you don't own a suit, you should look yourself in the mirror, and ask what you're doing with your life. The answer will not satisfy you. Every morning I tighten my Double Windsor knot, adjust my glass eye, and hire a new unpopular dean. I do this because I am powerful. And I am powerful because of my suits. My suit is my constant companion, my muse, my life's delight. Its clean, sleek lines make me happy as no living creature ever has. My first motion as Chancellor was to legislate an all-suit dress code for every man, woman, child, and pet on campus. If I had my way, even the squirrels would wear double breasted suits or be thrown into the mulcher. But those pantywaisted barbarians on the Alumni Council thought this was too restrictive. Kids these days prefer bellbottom jeans and tie-dye t-shirts, they assured me. The Alumni Council doesn't understand. They don't understand joie de vivre: the joy of the suit. I knew both the Brothers Brooks, Dean and Jimmy. We spent many a fine afternoon lingering in the village marketplace, glancing at new vestpieces, filled with a sense of longing we had always known but could never quite satiate. Oh, how I long for those days. How I long for my young hands exulting in the dignity of finely cut cloth, the quiet majesty of cotton, and on the rare occasions I paid heed to the impish proddings of my libido, the sensuality of smooth silk. I am trying to garner an appreciation of the finer points of life in, and on, our student body. This is the quintessential failing that sets us below the Ivies, loses us endless prospective scholars, endless prospective dollars, and is the central reason that I can no longer sustain an erection. I hate you all.
Opinion: Shoes Are Life by Chancellor Wrighton
Shoes deserve a thousand pages of prose in and of themselves. Nay, more than a thousand: but like my master bedroom closet that is cruelly shallow and small, which must now be shared with my 'life mate' as mandated by Missouri marital code, who has many a time forced me to drape a suit over the loungechair, my space in this article is limited. So allow me to inform you of the shoe essentials: you must wear them, they must be a pleasant earth or ebony tone, they must shine, and they must be wingtip. People who neglect to wear shoes are not even human. Flip-flips and sandals are the worst remnant of the decadent Roman Empire. I need not remind you how that cesspool of vice and foot nudity ended. If it were up to me, I would put all sandal wearers on campus, all these modern heathens, to the sword. It would be a delightful case of poetic justice. But as your regal Chancellor, and because it is a capital crime, I must express my discontent in more peaceable and diplomatic ways lest I be overthrown by the dreaded Alumni Council - who are not so dissimilar from the corrupt senate of yesteryear. Finely aged leather or calfskin, in burnt sienna or ebony, are the correct choice for every occasion. Loafers are passable only if you own a personal yacht, or a red parking permit. Lighter colored shoes are for blue collar plebians, or the homosexuals. A shining shoe is a shining soul. To ensure the proper representation of your footgrear, hire an immigrant off the docks, and offer him promises of riches. Mine resides in our bowling alley, in Lane 3. If you do not know what wingtip is, I would like you to contact one of my secretaries, so that I might revoke your admission to this proudly-shoed university. Wingtip is the most beautiful word in the English language. Even my bowling shoes are wingtip. Ah, wingtip. Sometimes I wonder: can wingtip be translated into other languages? Or is it so ethereal, so magical, that its purity cannot transcend linguistic barriers? Feel it how it rolls off the tongue, graceful as a dove. Wingtip. WINGTIP. Wing..............tip. Wwwwiiiiinnnnnnnggggg....tip. I must go now.
WUndergroundʼs Favorite Things: Gift Ideas for Your Loved Ones
• Someone to pay for rehab
Bon Appetit Releases Ingredient Lists Homemade Chicken Pot Pie INGREDIENTS: Marie Callenderʼs Homemade Chicken Pot Pie ALLERGENS: Dust, Cat Hair
Hearty Vegetarian Soup
INGREDIENTS: Beef Stock, High Fructose Corn Syrup. Contains less than 1% of the following: Vegetables, Natural and Artificial Flavors ALLERGENS: None
Baked Potato with Chives & Soy Bacon Bits INGREDIENTS: Potato, Real Bacon Bits, Lard, Small Bits of Green Construction Paper ALLERGENS: None
Cous Cous with Peanuts
INGREDIENTS: Cooked Cous Cous, Peanuts, Single Strand of Black Curly Hair, Citric Acid ALLERGENS: None
Glenn Drouin
The Only Guy on the Floor with an ID
TM
Serving You Since 2007
• Lifesize Lego Hindenberg • Zach Efron
• Zac Efronʼs Boyfriend
• Williams Sonoma coffee filters • Custom Suit of Armor • Gastric Bypass Elmo!
• Biodegradable Hybrid Kia Sportage
• Neiman Marcus luxury edition Sybian
• Luxury Antarctic Cruise Aboard HM Explorer
• Female Secondlife Avatar, with BDSM outfit & cute digital pet
Liquor Red Tags
• Guitar Hero 4: Socially Isolated Edition
Volume 4, Issue 3
Monday, December 10, 2007
Weather
Ask the experts
Today's expert is Associate Professor of History Stan Hull.
Whose dick do I have to suck to get an extension around here? Mine! Just kidding. Like most things in life worth getting, the best way to get an extension is to ask! Make sure that you prepare to ask for the extension by being female, attractive, and seemingly vulnerable, since you're going to be dealing largely with lonely, bearded, male TAs in their mid-20s. Know your audience! Also, we've heard the "parents killed in a cable-car accident" line a million times before, so if you're going to pull that fast one on us, at least Photoshop an obituary of Mom and Dad, or, bring the real one.
weather.wunderground.wustl.edu
LIVE “WEATHER” ON YOUR CELLPHONE! SEND A TEXT WITH YOUR A/S/L TO 1 (900) HOT N WET.
Test Score Extremes Friday
100% as Stan Heung of Los Angeles achieved a perfect score on his philosophy midterm, fucking everyone over by breaking the curve. West Campus
0% as Ren Paulner skipped yet another quiz to retain his ranking as North America's 4,320 ranked World of Warcraft player.
Inaccessible January through December due to extreme distance and incompetent shuttle drivers. An estimated 0.0000% of the University will be affected.
Top 10 Upcoming Gargoyle Acts 1
U.S. Pipe and the Balls Johnson Dance Machine
2
Girltalk
3
The Dangling Modifiers
4
I Shot an Elephant in my Pajamas
5
Tribe of Shetlands
6
Taze Me and the Ballsax
7
The Fauxhawks
8
Thomas Jefferson and the Monti-cellos
9
Skinkers
Severity Scale Mech. Engineering
Chem
Physics
History
Poli Sci
Psych
English
Anthro
LabSci
Olin Library
Graham Chapel
Women’s Building
Morning chem tests changing to late evening movie showing
Wintry mix of depression & anxiety.
Sunday wedding followed by considerable libation.
Midday pillowfights turning to abundant lesbian activity
Chem test: High 40%, Low: 2%
3rd floor desks and study rooms: 100% occupied. Try the law school.
Odds it will last: 30%
Pregnancy test: Postitive 50%, Negative 50%
Eliot
Duncker Hall
Athletic Complex
Bixby Hall
Mix of rust and rubble
Considerable high pressure moving in from parents regarding what to do with English degree.
Showers followed by swim practice followed by showers.
Data Unavailable
Slated for destruction: 2009
Lit paper low: 94% A, high: 101% A+
Shampoo/Conditioner mix: 40%, 60%
10 Fall Out Boy