Issue 4.1

Think Outside of Me

15% More Than Last Semester

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Center (G-3)

47. Koenig House (D-7)

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87. Sigma Alpha Mu, Fraternity (F-3)

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53. Lucy and Stanley Lopata House (F-1)

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55. Lutheran Campus Center (C-2)

56. Mallinckrodt Student Center and Edison Theatre and Campus Bookstore (G-6)

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57. McCarthy House (E-6) 58. McDonnell Hall (H-7) 59. McMillan Hall (H-4)

Blue Light Emergency Phones

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103. Uncas A. Whitaker Hall for

Biomedical Engineering (K-7)

105. Wilson Hall (H-6)

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107. Ann W. Olin Women’s Building (H-4)

300. Lewis Center (725 Kingsland, University City) (I-2)

400. East Building, West Campus (A-1)

401. West Building, West Campus (A-1)

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106. Wohl Student Center (C-6)

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Hilltop Shuttle Stop

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102. Urbauer Hall (J-6)

104. Whittemore House (F-7) O

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Permit Parking

Visitor Parking Handicapped Entrance Medical School Shuttle Stop Handicapped Parking

Gallery of Art (J-9)

97. Umrath House (C-5) 98. Umrath Hall (G-5)

99. University House (C-6)

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Handicapped Parking

Blue Light Emergency Phones

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89. Sigma Nu, Fraternity (F-3)

90. Sigma Phi Epsilon, Fraternity (F-1) 91. Simon Hall (F-4)

94. Tau Kappa (F-1)

95. Theta Xi, Fraternity (F-2)

96. Tietjens Hall (E-5)

100. University Police Headquarters (C5)

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Handicapped Entrance

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88. Sigma Chi, Fraternity (F-2)

92. Steinberg Hall and 93. Stix International House (F-6)

101. Wheeler House (A-5)

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Fraternity (E-2)

49. Lien House (D-5)

52. Lopata Hall (J-6)

54. Louderman Hall (I-5)

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84. Shanedling House (B-5)

85. Shepley House (A-5) 86. Sigma Alpha Epsilon

50. Life Sciences Building (G-6)

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82. Rutledge House (B-5)

83. Sever Institute of Technology (I-6)

48. Lee House (B-5)

51. Liggett House (D-6)

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Lounge (I-7)

81. Rubelmann House (C-5)

45. Kappa Sigma, Fraternity (E-2) 46. Knight Executive Education

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79. Rebstock Hall (H-6)

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76. Prince Hall (F-5)

80. Ridgley Hall and Holmes

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74. Phi Delta Theta, Fraternity (E-2) 75. Power Plant (J-5)

77. Psychology Building (H-7)

78. Radiochemistry Building (I-5)

44. Jolley Hall (J-5)

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South 40 (C-5, C-7)

73. Parking Facility, Throop (H-3)

40. Hillel Center (I-9)

42. Hurd House (B-7)

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35. Goldfarb Hall (I-8)

36. Goldfarb Plant Growth Facility (G-6)

37. Graham Chapel (G-5)

38. Gregg House (D-5)

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72. Parking Facility, Snow Way (F-2)

43. January Hall (I-7)

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71. Parking Facilities,

34. Givens Hall (J-9)

41. Hitzeman House (C-7)

21. Crow Hall (J-6)

62. Millbrook Building (H-3)

63. Millbrook Square Apartments (G-2)

68. Nursery School (G-2) 70. Park House (A-6)

32. Francis Gymnasium (D-2)

39. Harbison House (G-7)

20. Compton Hall (J-6)

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33. Gaylord Music Library (E-6)

14. Brown Hall (I-8)

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12. Blewett Hall (E-6)

18. Campus Post Office (I-4)

60. McMillen Laboratory (I-5) 61. Myers House (B-7)

64. Monsanto Laboratory (H-6)

65. Mudd House (B-7)

66. Music Classrooms Building (E-5) 67. Nemerov House (C-5) 69. Olin Library (H-5)

31. Episcopal Campus Ministry (C-2)

19. Catholic Student Center (H-8)

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Building (J-7)

30. Eliot Hall (G-3)

10. Beta Theta Pi, Fraternity (F-1)

17. Busch Laboratory (G-6)

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28. Eads Hall (I-6)

15. Bryan Hall (I-5)

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25. Danforth House (A-5)

27. Duncker Hall (I-6)

29. Earth & Planetary Sciences

16. Busch Hall (I-7)

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22. Cupples I Hall (J-6)

23. Cupples II Hall (I-5)

24. Cyclotron (J-5)

26. Dauten House (B-5)

13. Brookings Hall (J-7)

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11. Bixby Hall (J-10)

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8. Beaumont House (B-5)

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9. Beaumont Pavilion (J-7)

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Science Building (H-4)

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1. 276 N. Skinker (M-8)

2. Academy Building (J-4)

3. Alpha Epsilon Pi, Fraternity (F-1)

5. Anheuser-Busch Hall (G-3)

6. Arts & Sciences Laboratory 7. Athletic Complex (D-2)

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Buried WUnderground: WUSTL to Invest $200 Million in WUSTL Investment Research

A closed captioned television camera catches fun preparing to engage in dorm-storming.

Freshmanʼs Thong Arouses Academic Inspiration, Envy Rising Senior Scott Cartwright thought he had a good understanding of what to expect from his Wednesday “Intro to African Studies” section. However, the 22year-old Political Science major and active Greek-life participant had his academic life turned upside down during the first meeting of the section when a nubile freshman co-ed chose a seat directly in front of him, allowing Cartwright an obstructed view of the girlʼs underwear for the duration of the class period.

“Iʼm in the class because I need an SD to graduate,” said Cartwright while hurling a Frisbee toward another fraternity brother in front of the Olin library, “I failed out of ʻIntro to Women Studies' Sophomore year because I called the [department chair] a ʻskankʼ and told her to ʻget back in the kitchen and choke on a cock.ʼ” Prior to the first meeting of ʻIntro to African Studiesʼ and the sighting of the attractive blonde, blue-eyed freshman and her Tartan Plaid, aptly named “Collegiate Thong” from the Fall 2007 Victoriaʼs Secret “Pink” collection, Cartwright had felt little enthusiasm about attending the Monday/Wednesday section.

“Fred Douglas, Nelson Mandela, Liberia - what a sleeper. I was really only planning on showing up for the movie days that included titles vividly chronicling the horrors of slavery, this-or-that genocide, and hyphy." However, the eyeful afforded to Cartwright by a combination of low-rise jeans and

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“Washington University Fun,” or “WUn,” modeled after popular HBO series “Oz” - citing it as an exemplary depiction of ideal dorm life and interpersonal relations.

Student Union President Neil Patel issued his own three hour statement during a session of the College Senate, stating, “Student Union has never believed in, or funded, 'fun' anyway. I move to cut Ted Drewes from the budget.”

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torturous detail.

The first display of the university's new policy came during the meeting. When hungry members of the press asked about the possibility of Ted Drewes frozen custard, Condy Rizzo replied, “Fuck Ted Drewes,” and personally distributed travel packs of alcoholfree Listerine.

Included in the official statement was a new policy for dorm security.

Fun had been sighted lurking in common rooms, under bedsheets, and repeatedly on the new closedcaptioned television systems wearing a dark-colored hooded sweatshirt.

The university aims to solve this problem by outfitting dorms with an updated security system, which forces entrants to listen to an hour of Jane Eyre on audiotape prior to admission. Casualties of the new system are, reportedly, regrettable but tolerable.

In instances where fun played an integral part on campus, the university has put forward a proposal for

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In a bold declaration released on official letterhead, Washington University announced that fun would no longer receive university recognition. The final strike came when the musical sound of laughter filtered through the chapel windows and into the ears of patrolling WUPD officers during Mark Wrighton's annual alumni fund-raising presentation. At that point, it was decided that fun had failed to meet the requirements laid out for it in last year's developmental Fun Plan.

The official statement was issued in a poorly lit classroom in Wayman Crow, and members of the press were offered no refreshments.

University spokeswoman Condy Rizzo, wearing a blouse that can only be described as 'severe', stated, “We put fun on a probationary period, but it continually disrupted the cold, cruel mechanisms of a properly run university.” The statement, which lasted for over three hours, described every alleged act of fun with no vocal inflection, and in

W U nd er g ro u nd H e lp f ul C am pu s M ap st re Fo

Fun Loses University Recognition

Co mp to n

Monday, September 17, 2007

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Volume 4, Issue 1

stadium seating has led him to think differently about his studies.

"After seeing this little number's 18 year old ass, I might just buy the textbook.”

The thought of catching another glimpse of the tartʼs intimates has sprung The cause of the surge in class attendance, even the typically via camera phone. studious to action. school could come to, assured that “When I saw that thing the first time, a simple lack of visible deformities I thought my hard-on was going to would guarentee placement in the tear through my pants and impale best sororities and the coolest social the head of the guy circles," related Dina Abrams from sitting in front of me, much like the behind a pair of mirrored Ray Ban bone-spears of the Ubuntuu tribe,” aviators sunglasses. "If I wanted to remarked Stan Heung, who has be compared to hot blondes with big already finished the course boobs and tiny waists all the time, I textbook. “I plan on arriving in the would have taken my acceptance to lecture hall half an hour earlier than Rutgers." usual so I can reread my notes and Despite the dissent, the get the best seat in the house.” appearance of the thong has been The positive effect that the panty vitalizing. "I'm really glad people peek has had on males in the secare wanting to register and show up tion appears to be related to the to my class," said the section's apparent hottness of the Freshman instructor and African Studies class relative to that of the rest of professor, Dr. Don Hughes. "The the female student body. A stateway they shit-can black professors ment released Tuesday by the around here, I really need all the Student Admissions Council sugsupport I can get." Undoubtedly, the gests that the mandatory inclusion unidentified thong girl has staved off of a full-body color photograph with senioritis for Scott Cartwright. When applications submitted during the asked if he was planning on attend2007 application cycle may be reing both one-hour sections next sponsible for the surge in attractive week, Cartwright replied: "I'll be women in the Class of 2011 - one there every god-damned day. At that has left upperclassman fearful least until I rock-her-row, if you know of losing their status. "WashU was a what I mean. Then it's more about place where women that weren't avoiding V-cling like no one's bidremotely hot or popular in high nass."

Colgate Sponsors National Park Service Renovation of Newly Named “Mount Brushmore”

Athletics Program Gears Up for Failure

Grease Fires in Greece Rupert Murdoch Buys StudLife

Pre-Fresh Sold by Bearʼs Den “Spotlight on Asparagus” Ousted Attorney General: “I Donʼt Recall Resigning”

Volume 4, Issue 1

Monday, September 17, 2007

Douchebag Sits at Back of Class his hand is always up, and he argues constantly with the TAs,” said one of Gradleyʼs classmates.

“Iʼd throw my book at him, but if my textbooks are damaged when I try to resell them my parents will have to re-mortgage their house to make up for the lost cash.” Another student put it more simply: “[Gradley] thinks he knows everything, but I bet he doesnʼt know what will happen if I mix hydrochloric acid and his face.”

Gradley, speaking via World of Warcraft live audio interlink, shed some light on the event. “Iʼve been under a lot of stress lately,” he said.

Gradley confessed that he developed a case of frozen shoulder, a rare condition involving stiffness and weakening of the sub-scapularis of the shoulder joint.

Gradley said that his case is most likely due to the strain put on his shoulders by constantly waving his hand in the air. His frozen shoulder is yet another in a list of conditions that include carpal tunnel, rhabdomyolysis, and a heart

Soudoukou rules are extremely easy: Fill all empty squares so that the numbers 1 to 9 appear only once in each row, column & 3 x 3 box.

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ !

Artistʼs rendering of the seat that Gradley has vacated.

murmur that dates back to childhood.

Said Gradley, “Iʼve decided to lie low until my shoulder thaws out.

How can I continue to level up my participation grade and inspire my classmates if I cannot raise my hand and show off my incalculable depths of knowledge?”

Friend Recommends Nutella to Other Friend

Samantha Lacey, valued creator of the "Totally and Completely Obsessed with Dardick 3" Facebook group, introduced the popular hazelnut-flavored spread, Nutella, to new friend and budding confidante Jennifer Cosby. "Nutella goes great with anything, anytime," Lacey said in a statement made available late yesterday. "I seriously ate, like, half a jar while rereading Harry Potter last night. Totally worth it."

The announcement is not surprising, as Lacey is widely known as a long-time supporter of Nutella. In the past she has alleged that she has tried the chocolate-infused snack with "at least a thousand foods," including animal crackers, pancakes, bagels, cereal, cinnamon toast, cinnamon toast crunch cereal, and waffle sticks.

The veracity of the claim, either in part or in full, has yet to be confirmed.

Upon the sampling of the "spreadably delicious™" product, Cosby reportedly named Nutella "better than fudge and peanut-butter combined," and vowed to eat "practically the whole jar" while she watched the premiere of High School Musical II in her pajamas with a group of friends later that evening.

WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously John McCainʼs Presidential Bid. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious… at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.

As versatile and delicious as it may be, Samantha warns that Nutella should be eaten in moderation.

Med School Makes Web-Page-Publishable Discovery

A discovery by scientists at Washington University's medical campus has created a small stir, mostly at the school's communication department, because of its implications for the third line of the 'news' section on the Washington University's homepage Researchers discovered a small class of synthetic compounds which induce cancer in rats if injected at high doses known as 'Macroseiones.'

Found only in laboratories and containing no structural similarity to any naturally occurring chemical, the compounds were discovered to be among the thousands of known cancer-inducing carcinogens.

"Washington University researchers unlocking the pathways of cancer" proclaimed the school's webpage the day after the discovery. The news story, broken on Washington University's website and picked up by no independent news source, received a bold print hypertext link leading to a 1500 word article, multimedia presentations, and an

Used Letters

Solution: If Train A and Train B left their stations at the same time, then they would pass each other at approximately 9 AM.

After two weeks of class, sophomore Leonard Gradley selected a seat towards the rear of his chemistry recitation, instead of his usual front-row center seat.

“When class started I just marked him absent,” remarked graduate Teaching Assistant Ruth McShanley, who specifically mentioned Gradley in her job satisfaction memo. “It wasnʼt until he turned in his homework at the end that I realized he had even attended.”

Gradley is known to many of his fellow students, who wished to remain anonymous, as “a total douchebag,” “a complete tool,” and, “fucking annoying” for his "frequent attempts to impress professors in front of the section of 350 students by answering questions that "everyone has already figured out" but that the members of the 12:30 Tuesday/Thursday chemistry section are too "bored, high, or engaged in text-sex to bother responding to."

“He has this nasally voice, and

interview of Dr. Bryan Simmens, the physician responsible for discovering the powerful new toxin. The widely accredited Simmens, winner of the Monday Record's "Top WashU Rat Cancer Finding Physicians List" has discovered dozens of esoteric techniques for inducing rapidly developing cancer in rats. His lab is well known throughout the medical world for the funding it receives.

"I think some people are intrigued by this research," he said in the interview, "depending on

what we find in our subsequent tests, it could warrant additional applications for more federal grants."

Members of the WU communications department have expressed significant interest in the web article, allotting the resources to outsource production of a cutting edge Macromedia Flash Interactive called 'Anatomy of a Discovery'.

Viewers are invited to pose "no holds barred" questions about how the rat toxins can be utilized in their everyday lives.

The hypertext link is expected to garner tens of clicks

Dennis Mickley Commander in Chief Bill Brasky Fire Chief Arjun Chief Import Elizabeth Romaner Chief Chief Fun Fun Jason Feldman Master Chief Chiefs of Staff: Aleya Broadway Jeremy Carroll Tomer Cohen Joshua Delman Scott Drattell Joshua Malina Jesse Markowitz Danny McCullough Nora Tane We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or copulate, email us at wundergr@su.wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!

WashU Shithoused in Rankings; Remains Among Bottom 238 Schools

Volume 4, Issue 1

Monday, September 17, 2007

POINT

said Anthropology major Erick Trinkhaus.

“I donʼt want to be part of a bottom 238 school. When I got rejected from the Ivies, I expected to at least be in the top 10. Now Iʼm nothing. ”Trinkhaus added that he was considering other schools with less tarnished records, like Saint Louis University and ITT Tech.

Chancellor Wrighton has been notably silent regarding the universityʼs fall from grace. His only communication to the WashU student body has been a September 3rd e-mail in which he wrote, “Today you will receive the painful news that our university is no longer a good place to learn and study. For those of you have invested time and tuition into this place, I am deeply sorry. Your degrees will likely be worth nothing, but thatʼs really quite true of any bachelorʼs degree.

In fact, Iʼm more worried about preventing my wife, Lisa Zwerling, from cheating on me. I am rather sure that she married me simply because I was the Chancellor of a top ten university, which I no longer am.”

The chief administrator added “She has recently purchased a Sybian, and I fear we are growing distant. May God help us all.”

I Am Not Gay, and Never Have Been.

Senator Larry Craig, R-Idaho

On Monday, August 27, 2007, I read to my constituents in Idaho and the nation as a whole a statement in which I asserted that I was not, and never have been gay, in any way. Whereas, in the weeks since the story of my arrest in the Minneapolis airport broke, I have flip-flopped on my decision to resign, I can promise you that I have never flip-flopped in my decision to engage in sexual activities exclusively with women, and always in the missionary position.

I formed my conservative convictions during my youth, spent in the least-gay institutions of America: my fraternity, the Army, and the cattle-ranching industry. The men with whom I served in each of these fixtures of American life can tell you just how straight and conservative I am. Perhaps none more so than Fred Mercurt, my cattle-herding partner, with whom I spent many a month riding bareback through the Idaho wilderness. You learn a lot about a man by sharing a sleeping bag with him high in the Rockies, laying under the constellations as you discuss family values and the Idahoan way of life. Fred would tell you how early on in life I formed my conservative values, had he not died of Strep throat in the mid eighties.

As an elected public official, I understand that my life is an open book. My wife, Suzanne, with whom I have fathered no children, is aware of this as I am. Nonetheless, we are deeply saddened and angered by the relentlessness with which the Idaho Statesman has attempted to discredit my values and label me a ravenous homosexual. I am an enthusiastic and energetic man, however my enthusiasm and energy is not pointed toward finding new outlets of gay sex as has been alleged. My energy is dedicated to serving the great state of Idaho.

I have many goals which I believe still may be accomplished in the Senate for the state of Idaho, namely the passage of the Generating Highway Opulence through Limitless Expenditures Act, or G-HOLE of 2007. I ask that the people of Idaho forgive me for my indiscretion in Minnesota, and let me finish my term for the betterment of the state that I so heterosexually love.

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Washington University has maintained its position as 12th in the U.S. News and World Report rankings in what can only be described as a total shithousing. The university, which prior to its plummet to 12th place in 2004, was one of the finest research universities in the country, remains one of the nationʼs least prestigious schools.

The news has already shaken the campus and caused significant damage to WashUʼs public image. Recently matriculated students have expressed disbelief and anger that they chose such a pit to complete their studies at.

Professor and administrators have gone on record saying that they are disappointed to have such a chronically mediocre institution attached to their research and careers. Research funding from outside sources is likely to cease as grant agencies and corporations no longer see any sense in investing in WashU. Many members of the student body are simply leaving. ResTech bandwith has been dominated largely by the PDFs of transfer applications that disgruntled students are downloading at all hours of the night. “Screw this [expletive] hole,”

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COUNTER-POINT

I Beg to Differ, Senator.

Glory Hole, Interstate 95 Exit 14 Rest Stop

In the time since I was bored into the divider between the second and third stalls in the menʼs restroom of the Interstate 95, exit 14 rest stop just outside of Homedale, Idaho, I can say Iʼve become quite a good judge of character. Hell, Iʼve seen a lot of men come, and a lot of men go, so to speak. Over the past twenty years, Iʼve spent more intimate time with Senator Craig than most have, including his three adopted children. Thatʼs why it drives me up the wall to read that the Senator is denying not only his homosexuality, but also the magnanimous way that he participated within the gay community.

Larry Craig has given more to the gay community than some of its most outspoken members, something that I learned in the long talks that we had while he waited for the next anonymous phallus to appear.

I was consistently touched by the elaborate web of lies that he would construct to avoid the suspicion that driving three hours north of Boise every-other day aroused in his wife and staff, just to spend some time with a handful of truckers and a lonely old interstate rest-stop glory hole. This led me to think that Senator Craig was somehow different than all of the closeted married guys that stop in for a quick one after an unfruitful binge at the strip-club off of Exit 12.

I thought that when given the chance to admit to himself who he was in front of the entire country that Senator Craig would stand up and proudly announce to his family, constituents, and colleagues that he was a public servant through-and-through, regardless of whether he was servicing the public from the Senate chamber or from his knees in a rest-stop bathroom.

I feel like I donʼt know who Larry Craig is anymore.

Volume 4, Issue 1

Monday, September 17, 2007

Roommate Translations

To help member of the Class of 2011 better understand the person that is sexiling them on a regular basis, the upperclassmen of WUnderground have translated a number of phrases commonly uttered by one room mate to the other in the first few weeks of school:

Translation...

They Say...

"I will be in a coma-like state from mid-afternoon to 3 a.m., at which time I will awaken and keep you up all night."

"I have a unique schedule."

"My girlfriend and I have been going out for three-and-a-half years."

"Expect to hear me screaming on the phone at my girlfriend pleading to know why ʻTimʼ is always in her room when I call."

"I am pre-med."

"It was nice meeting you.

Now, I am off to live in the library for the next four years."

"I am pre-med."

"I will probably not be pre-med for long."

"I have brought my collection of antique horse figurines."

“I am still a virgin.”

"I have high standards when it comes to women."

"A caustic relationship with my stepmother has left me prone to be intimidated by contact with even the moderately-to-not-so attractive women at this university"

"I get high."

"I get high."

"I was prom king."

"I do not actually go to this school.

Check to see if I actually have a student ID.”

Top 10 ...

Freshman Bonding Activities 1. Delivering pizzas 2. Feigning kinship with Bearʼs Den employees 3. Ghostriding 4. Pretending to ignore socioeconomic divides 5. Shared disappointment with St. Louis 6. Fucking 7. Going to Frat Row 8. Wearing shirts from other, better colleges 9. Struggling to locate the clocktower 10. Stealing from Ursa's

What Do You Think?

As the Class of 2011 adjusts to life at WashU, many of its members will try to remain in relationships with their significant others from high school, despite overwhelming evidence that such relationships are doomed.

What do you think is the reason that so many high school relationships fail in college?

Mahonri Moriancomer, BYU Professor, Compound Owner “Not here, they donʼt.”

Colin Shefflin, Visual Communications Major, Eccentric “Personally, I need the Facebook prestige of an ambiguous relationship status.”

Jake Gyllenhall, Brokeback Mountain Star, Queen “With a comfortable distance from my friends and family, I can stop pretending Iʼm straight.”

Thomas Jefferson, University of Virginia founder, Anti-Federalist “Colleges not invented.”