Still 99% Fact Free Volume 3, Issue 4
05 December 2006
12 Stem Cells
Point/Counter-Point
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as a Scientology open house. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious… at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional. Dennis Mickley, Commander In Chief Tommy Honton, Chief of Police Eric Diamond, Chief Chief Fun Fun Arjun Muthusubramanian, Chief Import Tyler Greene, Master Chief Chiefs of Staff: Aleya Broadway Jeremy Carroll Scott Drattell Alex Jeffrey Jesse Markowitz Rex Harrison Elizabeth Romaner Rachel Tepper We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or Sumo wrestle, email us at wundergr@su.wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!
Patrick “Frat Pat” Ferguson, Undergraduate
The longer Iʼm at WashU, it seems the less satisfied I am with the decisions being handed down by Brookings. From crane proliferation to parking spot reduction, Iʼve found myself questioning whether or not the Wrighton administration is actually doing anything positive for the school. However, the institutionalization of segregated library facilities for graduate students is something I can really get behind! These graduate students need to understand that theyʼre in the minority. Someone needs to put them back in their place, and Iʼm glad our chancellor was the man to do it. This policy assures that graduates students arenʼt taking up the under-grad manʼs space with their “research materials” and stressed out mannerisms. This pretentious group of assholes needs to realize theyʼre not the only ones with stuff to do. What are you crying about, getting two years to write a glorified research paper? Excuse me, two years to write your “thesis.” Yeah, well, Iʼve got a beer pong tournament bracket to print out, so stay the fuck off the undergrad manʼs computer. In fact, most of you are basically getting paid to go to school. You need to realize whoʼs paying your bills, mister graduate. Itʼs the back-breaking work of the undergrad manʼs parents that allows you to have your precious study rooms. Do you think my dad loves driving his Bentley to the hedge fund knowing that the forty grand heʼs going to make today is going to keep you comfortable, you societal parasite. Wrighton is getting back on track with setting this school straight, and Iʼm going to tell him so at the next Danforth whatever dedication.
Dylan Plessy, Graduate Student
Now is the semester of my discontent. A mere three months after having embarked upon my quest to delicately tease the Chinese origins of the lexical set originally containing the word “scrotum” from Trans-Siberian medieval literature, WashU has dealt a blow to graduate students that is forcing me to resign my admission to the university. The segregation of graduate students from undergraduates in the Olin library is the beginning of a slippery slope that hints of Jim Crow. If such abhorrent policies are allowed, what other sorts of mandates will emanate from Brookings? Moving graduate students to the back of the shuttle? Hiring young, up-and-coming professors that recruit top-notch graduate students and then try to molest them on research trips? Reading tests prior to checking out books? I will not remain long enough to find out. I bid a fond adieu to my fellow graduate students remaining behind in the separate, but hardly equal facilities. Installing a keypad and a fold-out desktop on a bathroom stall in the Level B menʼs room is hardly a “dedicated graduate study,” particularly when the keypad is on the inside of the door and the locks require knowledge of a separate code to exit. WashU, I did not score averagely on the GRE and do moderately well in an easy major in order to be so egregiously disrespected during my effort to postpone my unemployment for two years. Youʼll be sorry when Iʼm gone, Brookings. Youʼll be sorry when the covers of the literature reviews read “Plessy Discovers Origins of Scrotum,” and you will feel just a twinge of pain as you scan my bio: “Dylan Plessy, PhD. Emory University.”
What do you think?
With the divorce rate skyrocketing, the pressure is on to find the perfect holiday gift for your loved one. What do you think?
Biff Hardy Spousal Abuser, Womenʼs Rights Advocate
“Doesnʼt matter. I get her the same thing every year.”
Donald Rumsfeld Unemployed
Kevin Federline Rapper, Trailer Trash
“Iʼm gonna slip my wife a mickey then unveil the weapon of mass seduction.”
“[Fornicate] you, itʼs K-Fed here and I can rap / Iʼll [purchase] my [gardening implement] some expensive crap / [My female dog] donʼt care if I [spend] a buck / Cuz all she ever does is want to - oh wait she left me.”
Buried WUnderground: Dominoʼs Brooklyn Pizza Too Authentic, page 483
Nonconformist art museum celebrates no attendance, page 495 Red Line Shuttle leads league in kills, page 534
Remaining Republicans band together, vow to fight democracy, page 550 Wash U Athletics finds success in new division 4 league, page 561
Chancellor adopts campus hawk, buys matching suit and Cadillac, page 606 Mark S. Wrighton Chancellor, Multiculturalist
“We donʼt give gifts since we celebrate Kwanza.”