WUnderground Volume 1, Issue 3
November 3, 2004
OOPS! John Kerry vanishes in puff of disappointment George W. Bush was reelected as President of the United States on Tuesday evening, following what many pundits have called the most hotly contested and closest election since the last one. Following the announcement there was much celebration in the Bush camp; however, upon making his concessionary phone call, John Kerry reportedly vanished in a puff of disappointment. In the intervening hours following his initially spontaneous vaporization, scientists determined that the man we knew as John Kerry was merely the corporeal manifestation of the collective hopes and dreams of millions of liberals and left-wing voters in the country. When he finally admitted defeat, the left-wing establishment was unable to continue believing in him and with his existence no longer justified, he simply vanished. “This is remarkable!” cried MIT para-researcher Jordan Kilkenny. “John Kerry’s sudden removal from our plane of existence really makes us wonder about how many historic losers have never really
existed. Thomas Dewey, Michael Dukakis, Al Gore, Jimmy Carter…wait, no, that one’s real but nobody cares.” On CNN’s “Crossfire”, pundit Robert Novak asked, “Didn’t anyone ever wonder why they hadn’t heard of Kerry before the Democratic primaries? Well it’s because he never existed! He never voted, he never showed up in the senate, he never fought heroically in Vietnam, he never did any of these things! I’ve been saying it for months now, and it’s high time people started listening!” Upon hearing the news of what really happened, George W. Bush expressed his sadness at the loss of the Kerry family’s apparently non-existent member. “I am deeply troubled by the news of my opponent’s disseparation,” read Bush. “He was a good man, and a good opponent. He ran a good race, and he deserved more. But clearly he wasn’t a leader. At least we can take solace in the knowledge that Kerry evaporated faster than his campaign promises.
“Now 99% fact-free!”
Cheap!!!
see “Corrections” page 3
Delta Gamma kicked off of cam- Op-Ed: I don’t hate you pus for holding because you’re greek, I hate you because ‘wet’ anchor splash Delta Gamma sorority was kicked off campus earlier this week for holding a ‘wet’ anchor splash in violation of the new ban on alcohol at official fraternity or sorority events. University administrators in the Greek Life Office (GLO) revoked DG’s charter upon learning of the violation on Monday. The GLO and the student activities office issued a joint statement, which read “We are very disappointed that DG held anchor splash this year and that other greek chapters participated. Everybody there knew the rules, and they deliberately broke them. We even believe that some attendees drank water either before or during the event. This kind of behavior is unacceptable.” Anchor splash, DG’s annual philanthropic fundraiser, is held each year in Millbrook pool and consists of a series of swimming relays capped off by a continued on page 2
you’re an asshole, page 5
Bush institutes draft, Guinness chosen over Shiner-Bock, page 6
Cadenza relegated to one half page every other month, page 7
Anarchists disorganize no-man march on Washington, page 11
Volume 1, Issue 3
November 3, 2004
Irate wolf topples Danforth Yesterday afternoon, a mischievous wolf, in a fit of rage, blew down Danforth Residence Hall. “[The wolf] huffed, puffed, and literally blew the dorm in!” reported one eye-witness. Witnesses say that the wolf’s livid demeanor The remains of and the crushing blow delivered to the dormitory were triggered by a heated exchange between the wolf and a resident of Danforth, who denied it access to the building. Witnesses say that the wolf called the freshman resident a “little pig” and demanded that the freshman let him in, at which point the freshman called the creature a wolf-bastard” and told it to “piss off.” The freshman in question escaped the wolf’s wrath after the dorm’s collapse by fleeing inside the fortified brick walls of Beaumont
the new dorms, claiming that new hay and twig infrastructure buildings such as Danforth, Wheeler, and Lien are only meant to last a maximum of twenty years, and that they “will not alter design strategies Danforth following yesterday’s wolf attack simply because a couple chance wolf encounters Hall. Many of his fellow residents, and light gusts of wind have however, were not so lucky and rendered a few of the dorms were subsequently gobbled up by piles of wreckage.” the wolf. Despite instigating the beast’s wrath, the pot-bellied Though refusing to compromise Danforth resident refused to take future building designs, WU responsibility for the calamity, officials say that they are taking asserting, “[The wolf] didn’t have appropriate measures to prevent an ID card and looked suspicious, future wolf-related disasters. so I did what I was supposed to “Starting next week, all do; I refused to open the door for dormitories with fireplaces will be it. If anyone is at fault, it is this equipped with giant pots of school’s administration, for boiling water,” reported one approving of such a shoddilyofficial. constructed dormitory.” WU officials were quick to defend
Japanese engineering students develop cheaper, more efficient lunch compete with Japan, they can’t compete.” Members of EnCouncil’s executive council have been very honest about their concerns regarding Cheap Lunch’s future.
Japanese students in the school of Engineering and Applied Science announced yesterday that they have developed a cheaper, better, and more reliable version of the popular EnCouncil product, Cheap Lunch.
promises Americans a meal that doesn’t guzzle money, and isn’t too large and unwieldy. Traditionally, the American lunch market has been dominated by domestic producers, but in recent years Japanese lunches have started making headway.
“Because of Japanese innovation and cheap labor, we are able to provide lunch to the American consumer for less,” said Hideo Takashi, one of the head engineers on the project.
Bethany Graver is one student who switched from Cheap Lunch to its overseas rival. She said she fell in love with the foreign lunch after taking it for a taste test.
Critics have spent this fall waiting for the highly anticipated arrival of Cheaper Lunch, saying that it
“Part of me wants to buy American, but I’m not going to buy a shitty lunch. If EnCouncil can’t
“We’ve seen a significant drop in Cheap Lunch sales over the past ten years,” said EnCouncil President Dan Livengood. “We’ve had to downsize our workforce and lay off many U.S. jobs. In order to stay competitive with Japanese engineering, we may have to outsource even more jobs.” Cheap Lunch is also attempting to stay competitive through the introduction of a new ad campaign, which markets Cheap Lunch as embodying the American persona: “a full meal that’s tough, hardy, and prepared with pride.” Cheap Lunch and Cheaper Lunch are held every Wednesday from 11:00-1:00 in Lopata Gallery.
Anchor splash continued from page 1 synchronized dance routine. Meredith Nadler, formerly the president of DG, objected to the decision, saying that anchor splash did not have alcohol and that the event was “as dry as could be, given the circumstances.” Other members of the greek community have claimed that the university is hypocritical to maintain a pool on campus, then forbid greeks to have wet parties. But Karin Johnes, director of GLO, dismissed these arguments as apologetic and said that the greek community should not hold wet events, regardless of the circumstances. “I don’t care if they have to remove every trace of water from their houses and suites. This greek system will be dry, or it won’t be on campus.” said Johnes. In a related event, the Student Activities office has said that they will begin to investigate Wydown Water for allegations that the South 40 store has sold water to minors.
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as a psych major. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely ficticious...at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely intentional. Sincerely, The WUnderground Staff: Editor in Chief Lee Dunfield Commander in Chief Sam Stribling Savage Indian Chief Tomer Cohen Chiefs of Staff: Eric Seelig Aaron Seligman Johnny Chang Jay Kamath
We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, or take pictures for the WUnderground, e-mail us at tcohen@wustl.edu.
Volume 1, Issue 3
November 5, 2004
News in Brief: Cornerstone gives up The Student Educational Service, also known as ‘Cornerstone’ to many, announced that it is giving up its services to the WU community. The announcement, made by director Harvey Fields, came after years of frustration brought upon by slow, dim-witted students. “What do you people expect?” said Harvey at a press conference, “I’ve explained integration by parts maybe a thousand times. And no matter how much I edit your paper on Habermas, it’s still going to be drivel. Do you want me to rip my brain out and shove it through your nostrils into your skull?” Fields added that students should consider forming cooperative study groups to improve their understanding of course material.
EST member kicks, saves ass EST member Lu Chang yesterday kicked the living hell out of Eric Pommel for rear-ending him in the South 40 parking garage. He then proceeded to administer critical first aid that kicked Pommel back to life.
Girl takes self out for 3-month anniversary of being single recounted Janna. “I didn’t even think I’d remember that it was my anniversary! I must be the luckiest person in the world to have someone like me in my life.”
Witnesses say they saw Chang tear Pommel a new one, then moments later crouch by Changs’ body and tear a small hole in his neck while performing a tracheotomy. “He grabbed Eric’s neck and packed him flying across the parking lot. Then, two minutes later, he sent him packing to Barnes Jewish in an ambulance,” said sophomore Kristin Dowell. “It was the most amazing transition I’d ever seen.”
Janna Kole, admiring her own figure
Post CC food coma lasts a blissful 8 hours David Gibbons enjoyed a blissful 8 hours of digestion after visiting Center Court on Monday, the sophomore reported. “Oh yeah,” said Gibbons, while sinking into his suite’s common room couch and loosening the buckle on his jeans. “Mmm, that was good food.” Gibbons spent the rest of the evening napping with a goofy smile fixed on his face. His roommates report that Gibbons only moved once all night--to go leave a wicked turd in their toilet.
Janna Kole, a college senior and member of Delta Gamma’s WU chapter took herself out for a romantic evening in honor of her 3-month anniversary of being single, sources reported Saturday. The romantic evening began when, out of the blue, Janna brought herself flowers and invited herself to dinner. She then accompanied herself to The Melting Pot on Delmar, where she enjoyed an elegant candlelit dinner and a pleasant conversation. However, Janna admitted that she heard very little of what she was saying; she spent most of the time gazing into her own eyes (via a handheld mirror).
This is not a new phenomenon. In 1924, Louis de Broglie predicted that all matter behaves as waves with a minimum uncertainty in position and momentum. However, a particle’s wave nature could only be visible for very small particles or very slow moving particles. For an average sized human to exhibit quantum properties, they must travel less than 1.57 X 10^-17 meters per year, speeds previously
unattainable in a laboratory. But not in our Subway. The students trapped inside this food line roughly approximate the
wheat on my way to math class,” said sophomore Michelle Tees, her voice echoing from some unexplainable region beyond human understanding, “but I’ve moved less than 10^-30 feet in almost an hour. I hope I’m not late to class.” At that rate, scientists believe that anti-gravity fields will degrade the atoms that make up Tees long before she ever reaches the end of the line.
famous ‘electron in a box,’ in which a particle takes on quantum properties by being placed inside a box with the same dimensions as its wave length. “I came here to get a tuna on
Reports also indicate that after dinner, Janna invited herself back to her apartment, but further details could not be obtained. “What I do with myself behind closed doors is none of your business,” said Janna. “…but lets just say it was the perfect end to a perfect evening.”
“I was totally surprised,”
Subway line reaches quantum speeds It’s a typical Wednesday afternoon on the hilltop campus, and students have gathered at Subway to grab a bite to eat before heading back to their dormitories or to another class. The food court at Mallinckrodt has already closed, leaving Subway with an overflow of demand. A student shuffles down the steps leading into ‘The Rat,’ and gets behind the last person in line. And then, just like that, she begins to blink in and out of three dimensional space.
Despite Janna’s persistence that the date, and her current relationship in general are the best she has ever had, her friends are skeptical that her unique relationship can last. “Lets just say Janna dates a lot of guys,” said sorority sister Trish Moss. “After a few weeks, I’m sure she’ll get tired of herself and move on to someone new and different.” Moss was quick to point out that she was happy for Janna, however: “Not that there’s anything wrong with Janna, she’s definitely a good fit for herself, it’s just that she always has to be with someone new; that’s just the way she is.” Moss added, “The PDA has to stop, though.”
“This is incredible behavior,” said professor Mark Conradi, who has shifted his research lab into the rat to study the students. “I never dreamed that in my lifetime we’d see humans moving so slowly. I guess it goes to show you that you should never doubt nature, errr… Subway.
Corrections continued from page 1
The Wunderground staff would like to make the following corrections concerning the Novermber 2nd issue: ·
Ralph Nader is not the new president of the United States
·
Enormous, flesh-eating ants did not burst forth from the Statue of Liberty’s head
·
George W. Bush was not encased in frozen carbonite
·
Florida has not been firebombed in order to “form a more perfect Union”
·
Corpses of deceased former US Presidents have not risen from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living
These mistakes came about due to slight miscalculations based upon voter projection data which we received from local voter precincts nationwide. We apologize for the mistakes...but hey, everyone does it.
Volume 1, Issue 3
November 5, 2004
Opinions I think I need to see other buildings Listen, um…I think we need to talk. You got a minute? Ok, good. Geez, I’m so bad at these things. It’s just that I don’t think I…Ok, let me start over.
Sigh Sometimes you can love a building very much but still know that it’s just not right for you. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll always cherish the time we’ve spent together. Freshman studio in you was incredible; best studio of my life, without question. And that one night on the drafting table…God, you’re an incredible building, Givens. You’ve always got something going on. I can never
Marvin Fisher
Rejected Stud Life editorial cartoon
be bored when I’m around you. It’s just that...well, I don’t think you’re what I’m looking for in a long term career path. Hell, I don’t know what I’m looking for right now. I don’t want anything long term, period. I just need some “me” time to figure things out. Oh come on, Givens, it’ll be ok. Don’t look at me like that! You’re a great school, you’ll find someone new! There’s a cute new stock of freshmen coming to see you, I hear. And don’t worry, I’ll totally come back to visit, I promise. I’ll see you at least once a week! Come on, don’t give me the cold shoulder, Givens. Say something! Please don’t make this harder for me than it already is. Look, there’s always going to be a place for you with me. I’m not going to forget you, but yes, I need to move on, just like you. Of course this isn’t because I met someone else. This is about you and me. Ok, well, there is someone else, sort of, but that’s a whole different situation. No! she’s not prettier than you. You’ve got to be kidding. You’ve got that whole neo-classical thing going on. Look, I don’t even know her yet. We just met. Her name is Bixby. Hey, come on, don’t make a big deal of it! I told you already, she’s not “better” than you, just different. I need a change. Why would I lie about something like that?! Fine! You want me to come right out and say it? You have too much baggage. I feel like I have to spend every waking hour with you, and it’s still not enough to satisfy you. God, you’re just so needy. I need some time for myself too, you know. Did you know my roommates were worried I was dead during midterms week? Bixby just seems so much more laid back…So what if she doesn’t have any career goals? What do you mean I have no “future” with her? She’s just keeping herself open. How is this any of your business anyways? See how you are, Givens? Geez, have fun with your AutoCAD, I’m outta here!
What do you think? The Greek Life Office recently banned alcohol at all greek events. What do you think?
Doug Jordan French “We wouldn’t have such a culture of alcohol on this campus if we didn’t have such a culture of ugly women.”
Samuel Adams guy
“Getting rid of the smooth, filling taste of Sam Adams: always a poor decision.”
Marcus Peterson Pre-med “I don’t see what the big deal is, you don’t need alcohol to have fun. All you need is a positive outlook, a can-do spirit, and a shitload of weed.”
Kevin Perry Undecided “As a greek, I think people should know that we’re not just about drinking alcohol. We also do a lot of community service. It’s not just us that’s hurt by the ban, it’s also the children and elderly that we provide alcohol to.”