In or Out

My Story

Liminal, transformative and exciting are all words that are used to describe training for ministry. We are often reminded that we are on a journey. My journey towards ministry started about 20 years ago. I grew up as the child of a minister, and knew how to dress and behave exactly as expected. My journey towards transition also started about 20 years ago. I grew up as the child of a minister, and every Sunday morning my parents had to struggle to get me into my “Sunday best” and every Sunday afternoon, so I am told, I changed straight back into my trackies as soon as possible.

Fast forward 20 years and I am in a different place altogether. I have been transitioning from female towards male for six years now, and am a much more confident, happy, capable human being. I have also been journeying in my faith, and began to train for ministry last year. I believe in a God who creates us anew every time we open our eyes (and our minds). I believe in a Spirit that breathes into the world to transform individuals and communities. I believe in a Christ who lives out God’s Word of justice and peace, and I believe that I am called to lead by following and by asking questions. There is a big question, though, that refuses to be answered easily: in or out?

Jesus answered, “My kingdom is not from this world. If my kingdom were from this world, my followers would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not from here.” Pilate asked him, “So you are a king?”

Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice.” Pilate asked him, “What is truth?”

(John 18:36 – 381)

1 All Bible quotes nrsv

A lot of lesbian and gay people will be able to tell you the story of the first time they came out. After that, there are lots of little coming out moments, when introducing a new partner, for example. For bisexual and transgender people, it is a little different. If we are — as I am — in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, then we are perceived to be heterosexual. I am marrying the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with next week. It is such a joyful experience. And yet, for both of us there is that tension between expressing our love for — and commitment to — one another, and not being able to visibly express our fullest identities.

There are lots of different coming out moments as someone who is transgender, and I believe that many of these are, or lead to, microagressions. A microagression1 is a repeated small or casual degradation which builds up to create more trauma than a larger incident. There was the time when, in a casual conversation with a stranger, I was asked what school I had gone to. I gave the true answer — a private school for girls — without thinking, and the stranger said that they would pray for me, and promptly left. The time when I went to get my hair cut and the barber said that they didn’t cut girls’ hair. The time when I had to ask to use the accessible toilet in a train station, where the gents only had urinals. Each of these moments was embarrassing, awkward and slightly painful. Each had the potential to wear away at my self  -  confidence and make me nervous in public situations. These moments still happen. I don’t think that they will ever stop.

These moments exist in church life too — moments where I have to decide whether to tell the truth, when doing so would mean coming out, or to tell a lie and hide who I really am for the sake of a quiet life. Jesus also suffered a lot of microagressions for having integrity and living out his true identity. I wonder if they added to the pain of the cross.

Living in, though, threatens to split up my identity into little boxes. One box would have the label “Christian Alex”, another would be “trans Alex”, another might be “musician Alex” or “partner Alex”. The boxes would need to be stored in separate rooms, behind closed doors. Some of them would have to have a padlock on them. I don’t think that that is what Jesus meant when he said that he came that we might have life in all its fullness or abundance. Living abundantly means being generous with our truths, open with our identities and challenging with our words and actions.

Living in, ultimately, might be the answer for some people, but it isn’t for me. I need to take each coming out decision one at a time and make sure that I am always speaking the truth to power, in love, and with the hope of renewal and kingdom building here on earth. God’s kingdom will not be built if we are all hiding in boxes, too scared to use the tools that we have been given.

And I do believe that, as a transgender Christian, I have been given a pretty special set of tools. Each of us has our own unique identity that is God –  born and has transformative power. Our identities are where many of our tools and gifts hide.

The first ever service that I led was about lgbtq identity. My story has opened conversations up that have brought hurting people to God and brought hurtful people to their knees. It is only from a place of oppression that we can follow Jesus’ example of breaking chains and setting prisoners free.

And yet, it is not only the lgbtq community that I am called to work with. I have worked with the homeless, the sick, the elderly, and the poor. In all likelihood I will spend a lot of my time working with the wealthy, the privileged and people of all sexualities and genders, including those who are cisgender2 and heterosexual. My identity is part of that too. No, I don’t talk about being trans in all of the services

2 Whose gender identity is the same as their birth sex be both. I will speak the truth when it will do good — when it will help to undermine oppression, when it will show another human being that they are good enough in God’s eyes. And I will be in when quietness is the right answer, when words would only wound, when there is time for peace and stillness. Out or in? Trans or Cis? Gay or straight? No. None of these. All of these. Simply called.

I lead — frankly, it is very rare that I do. I do, however, have empathy and understanding for all people who have suffered at the hands of others, who have had doubts about who they are, who find life complicated and confusing, and who sometimes fall to their knees in desperate prayers for help.

I am called as a whole person — and that includes my identity as someone who is transgender. It includes my past, my present and my future. It hurts and worries me to think that my calling might be undermined or denied by those who think that my identity is inherently more sinful than theirs. It concerns me that I might have trouble finding a church. Even writing this article makes me nervous. However, I can’t and won’t be silent, or hide. As a child of God, I know whose judgement matters, and I want to stand before God as a whole person, a person of integrity and of honesty. A person who admits my sin and frailty, but who knows that being myself is not wrong.

in or out?

So, what is the answer, in or out? The answer is that, like gender, it isn’t a binary choice. God did not create a binary gender — male or female. God created a scale — male and female, living together in unity with all that is in  -  between and outside of them. Similarly, God does not shape our lives into neat little binary decisions. I won’t be in or out, I will

Alex Scott Clare-Young is currently training for ministry in Cambridge. He is married to Jo, also an ordinand. He is passionate about social justice and enjoys reading, writing and catching Pokemon in his spare time. He is a 90s kid after all.