La petite mort[sel

At the age of ten, my world changed. It wasn’t a death or a divorce, a birth or a wedding; it was a Samsung Galaxy smartphone with a slow but steady internet connection. Somehow, I stumbled upon a magical website: fanfiction.net. This was the start of a decade-long love affair with fanfiction; a love affair that has shaped me into the person I am today.

The thing about fanfiction is that you can find anything on these websites. And I mean anything! That TV show you like? Here are the two main characters on a road trip, but their car breaks down, and they have to share a motel room for the night- and there’s only one bed! That niche book series you adore? Here are 500 novel-length deep dives into side characters’ backstories. What about vampires, but they’re in space? Superheroes? Werewolves? Real people? All readily available, one tag search, and you’ll have at least a handful of well-written, well-thought-out fanfictions!

And better yet, what about the sexy stuff? BDSM? Sub/Dom? Magical telepathic sex? Alpha/Beta/ Omega dynamics? Threesomes? Foursomes? Orgies? Slow burn Beauty and the Beast AU? Whatever you’re thinking, you can trust that there’s fanfiction written about it. And while that’s kind of amazing, having access to all these things and more from a young age has significantly shaped how I view sex and relationships as an adult.

In my late teens, I realised that perhaps my view on sex had been shaped by the smutty fanfiction I’d been reading for a decade. It was when my friends and I took the BDSM kink test (if you know, you know) as a fun little activity at a movie night. Half of us had never been in relationships, let alone had sex, but we thought it would be a good laugh. I took it entirely seriously, not thinking about the fact that my friends were going to see my results. And while they expressed disgust and shock at some of the raunchier or niche kinks, I sat there stone-faced, unfazed by any of the questions. Because I had seen that before, maybe in a Teen Wolf fanfiction? Nothing could shock me.I’d seen it all written out and described in detail by age eighteen. When the results came in, most of my friends got something like ‘90 percent vanilla’, and I was sitting there with results that were resolutely not vanilla.

Retrospectively, I think there are meaningful discussions to be had about porn consumption from a young age - and to some extent, that includes fanfiction. But porn consumption was so normalised for those of us involved in fandom culture or on Tumblr in the 2010s. I’ve become desensitised to lots of things, and now I can read a graphic sex scene while on the bus with a straight face. But it does give you unrealistic expectations about sex and relationships. Look at what stories were popular on sites like Wattpad. You’ll find things like After, the infamous Harry Styles fanfiction turned blockbuster movie. This series takes Harry Styles and turns him into a bad boy extraordinaire, with all his tattoos and a tragic backstory. And like many fanfictions of this genre, it depicts a relationship where lying is normal, possessiveness and jealousy is hot and desirable, and miscommunication and fighting are common. While many attest to it being a well-written story, maybe there’s a more profound discussion about the type of relationships that are often shown in these fanfictions. What qualities are being put on a pedestal? What is considered desirable, sexy, or hot? Sure, it might be fun to indulge in that sort of story for some entertainment or solo fun. Still, we must understand that there needs to be a distinction between reality and fantasy. Because sometimes, when people can write about anything, it opens a whole can of worms.

But that’s not to say that all fanfiction is bad.

Fanfiction can be amazing! It can be anything from 200-word drabbles to literal novel-length heartwrenching epics. And these works are usually written out of love for the source material. One of the most popular fanfiction sites, Archive of Our Own, is an entirely non-profit and open source, relying on donations by dedicated users. Fanfiction fosters community and a way to relate to people with the same interests as you. And yes, it can be a safe place to explore your sexuality and possible kinky inclinations. Rough, slow, sweet, heated, dirty - you can find it all.

As a young queer person, there weren’t many resources for me to learn about myself, my identity, or queer sex in general. My high school teachers barely spoke about straight sex; there was no way they were going to delve into the world of queer sex! But fanfiction allowed me to access and learn about those topics in a safe-ish way. These writers would take your favourite characters, and write them as trans, gay, genderfluid, pansexual, asexual, etc. It was freeing. Many fanfiction authors are also queer, and there’s a sense of understanding when reading about the ins and outs of queer sex from someone who knows a thing or two about it. Because unfortunately, a lot of the source material that is so popular with young people does not have writers or characters that represent them. In fanfiction, you can create your own world with well-loved characters and make them a bit more like you.

Body text So, fanfiction: good or bad? Maybe there is no correct answer to that, or maybe it’s more it lingers in this grey area. Perhaps it’s just “enjoyable”. As long as you’re safe, healthy, happy, and not hurting anyone, fanfiction can be the escape you need from a busy University degree.

New to fanfiction? Here are my top-ranked fanfiction tropes:

10. Coffee Shop AU It’s all your favourite characters, but it’s the modern-day/real-world and they work a minimum wage job!

9. There’s only one bed! It’s your favourite characters, and they are on a school trip, road trip, or in some sort of situation where they must (oh no!) share a bed with each other? What if they wake up cuddling?!

8. Tattoo Shop Owner/Flower Shop Owner A classic that every fandom needs: Character A is soft and fluffy and owns and operates a flower shop! Suddenly, a tattoo parlour opens next door, and we meet Character B, a tattooed, fun coloured-hair punk. Then they fall in love!

7. Rival Sports Teams! It’s a sports AU! Whether it be Ice Hockey, Ice Skating, Football, Tennis, whatever! It’s your favourite characters, and they’re on opposite teams having to compete against each other! But what happens when they get steamy and fall in love? Only time will tell!

6. Random Citizen/Popular Celebrity Character A is a movie star/famous band member, and accidentally bumps into Character B, who is oblivious that they just met a famous person, until the paparazzi snap a photo and it goes public!

5. Fake Dating This could be seen as a continuation of the previous one, but oh no! Character A and Character B have been put in a situation where they must date for publicity/to trick family members! What if they then fall in love, and start dating for real? Will it work out?

4. Royalty AU! They’re your favourite characters, but one/both are Royalty! Whether historical or modern, will their love prevail over the mounting pressures of becoming King/Queen/Monarch?

3. Werewolves vs Vampires (or just supernatural beings!) It’s your favourites, but they’re supernatural beings! Maybe there’s an evil entity out to destroy their love. There’s also some awesome magical fighting and found family dynamics!

2. Soulmate AU! In a world where everyone has a soulmate, will our characters find each other? This one is fun because it allows for some magical elements- maybe they have matching soulmate tattoos, or they can hear each other’s thoughts, or they can only see in black and white before they meet their soulmate!

1. Enemies to Lovers Ah, the final Big Boss, the best trope one could ask for: Enemies to Lovers. A very fluid and adaptable trope, this character dynamic can be implanted into any of the previously mentioned tropes to add some texture to the story! Miscommunication? You got it! Jealousy? Probably! Did I just talk about how those aspects of fanfiction can be problematic? Yes! What can I say, I’m a hypocrite at heart – but only when it comes to these fanfics!