Shout out to my ex

CW: Stalking, SASH, PTSD

“Stop trying to be friendly! Accept the distance! We were best friends for a long time after we broke up but I hate who you’ve become and I need you out of my life.”

“Are you fucking serious? You told me you were gay. I hung out with you and dedicated my time to you and then you had the fucking nerve to go and get with my boyfriend. I even told you he was a shitbag but no… you just needed to. You fucking bitch.”

“It didn’t make me feel very sexy or wanted when you said that you would fuck any girl who came up to you and asked for it. You would be surprised to know that that did not make me feel special.” “Hey mate. You suck. You were unbelievably racist towards me. You stayed friends with my ex when you knew he had abused me. Thanks for making me sleep in the same room as him, that totally didn’t trigger my PTSD or anything. You knew I was so sick I was dying and you made me feel like garbage the whole time. I had to cut off my best friend because she chose you over me. You lied to me about being a drug dealer and a drug addict and I had to find all that out from another friend. Your dick is tiny and you’re terrible in bed. After 3 years you never once complimented me on the way I looked, which seems shallow, but I genuinely didn’t believe you were attracted to me. This isn’t even the full laundry list of shitty things you did. Seeing you around campus makes me feel sick and growing out your hair is definitely not a look that suits you. I know you won’t read this but I hope your new girlfriend dumps your ass before she wastes years of her life like I did.”

“We were only together for 2 months but somehow you managed to give me 3 UTIs. Please for the sake of women everywhere wash your hands.” “You’re not logical, you just repress your emotions. Go to therapy.”

“I can’t believe you are a psychologist yet somehow had no idea that breaking up over text message after I had just finished the final exam of my degree was going to hurt me. Then you decided to string me along as friends before slyly unfriending me on Facebook and saying nothing. Honestly you need to get therapy before you are allowed to give it out to anyone else. Also screw you for breaking my heart.”

“No one likes confrontation, some people just choose to deal with their shit.”

“Hey man, fuck you! Like, straight up. You literally made me feel so unsafe I thought you’d put cameras in my bedroom and were constantly monitoring me given the amount of times you would ‘run into me’ and know exactly what was on my schedule. Hey, remember that one time you chased me up the stairs? How did you even find me? Why did you keep coming when it was clear I was not interested in having a conversation with you? Me saying I thought you ‘seemed lovely’ to a mutual friend based on first impressions really made you so hard you had to disregard any sort of concerns I might have for you basically harassing me? Also, how the fuck does that indicate I would be interested in more than a friendship with you? I had literally never had a substantive conversation with you. The way you act[ed] in front of other people made it so difficult for them to see how truly fucked up you are. You’re the reason I left Canberra, but I guess you wouldn’t realise how violated you made me feel because of your fat narcissism. You are genuinely the rudest and weirdest person I have ever met. Sincerely, you know who.”

“I faked it every time.”

“Do you ever sit and think about how shit it must be for me to have to see you every day? To share my friends with you, to eat in the same kitchen, and study in the same room. You knew I had to keep living with you after what you did and you did it anyway. You knew I would have to eventually forgive you too. Maybe that was your grand plan all along: fuck me over and trap me in my own home, or has none of this even crossed your mind? I don’t know what’s worse, being manipulated or being forgotten by you.”

“You publicly dropped me but what you didn’t know was I had already secretly realised you were toxic whilst chatting to my cat in my bathtub “To my ex-best friend who emotionally abused me for 4 months at the end of Year 12, fuck you for never telling me what you were so mad about, for trying to isolate my friends from me, for spreading gossip behind my back and for acting the victim and attempting to force me to apologize. Fuck you for making yourself the victim after I came out to you about my newly diagnosed depression and anxiety disorders. Fuck you for expecting me to grovel at your feet while you put zero effort into the friendship. Fuck you for not giving me closure and bringing up the issue a year later, still victimising yourself into hell. Fuck you for abusing me while acting the victim and weaponizing your large friendship circle against me. Fuck you for telling everyone but me about the issue and then for it ending up being as minor as it was. Fuck you for ruining me for so long that I question all my friendships daily. I’m healing right now but I would still punch you in the face.”

“You smell like milk.”

“The funny thing is I thought my ex and I really loved each other. But I only understand love truly now. I hope I never lose her. I was thinking about how many drunken nights we’ve had where she told me things and I told her things, and I felt infinitely safe. I feel so safe with her and I’ve never felt this safe. I genuinely trust her. And every time I tell her she can trust me, I mean it. I never meant it with him. It’s so nice to have this.

Six months later… And then I lost her.

What a plot twist. I felt so much security and then plummeted so far down. I really loved you and our friendship. And it hurts me now looking back on it and realising you were toxic. That you were the exact kind of person I was trying to avoid. I put my trust in the wrong place. I thought you were the cure, but you were the disease. You spread through me so insidiously. I can’t believe I thought you were nourishing and good for me. But you were tearing me apart. The casual lies, the snark comments, and your inflated sense of superiority are all memories that make me feel sick now. I’m glad I ended things. It’s easier without you in my life. Your mental health and emotions controlled me. You’re not a nice person. This ordeal taught me what symptoms of toxicity to look out for.”