Touch Yourself, Woroni vol 76 (2026) no 3

VOLUME LXXVIII ISSUE III

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BOARD OF EDITORS EDITOR IN CHIEF

CYAN METCALF

DEPUTY EDITOR IN CHIEF

MADELINE BLAYNEY

MANAGING EDITOR

KUBA MEIKLE

ART & DESIGN

ELEANOR WYNDHAM

CONTENT

ANANYA SARMA

NEWS

JACK DAVIS

COMMUNICATIONS

EN-MEI MAO

RADIO

ATTICUS CHEETNHAM

MEDIA & TV

MUNGO SWEENEY

CONTENTS From the Editors........................................................................................................................................................3 LGBTQI+ Acceptance Trends ~ Noah Ralphs.........................................................................................................4 Strikes in the ABC Over Wage and AI Disputes ~ Edie Corin................................................................................5 ANU and Anthropic Partner in New “A.I. For Science” initiative ~ Edie Corin ...................................................7 ANUSA Reveals Student Cafe Propiosal in Student Space Push ~ Blair Doran, Joesph Mann............................8 US Watchdog Launches Audit into

Files Handling as Political Fallout Widens ~ Cyan Metcalf .............9

Woroni Radio Picks TOUCH YOURSELF..............................................................................................................11 Pop-Up Dating App ~ Lillian Glover......................................................................................................................14 Touch Yourself ~ Shivagha Sindhamani Pathak....................................................................................................15 How-to-Anal............................................................................................................................................................17 Fuck Trump. No Really. Someone Fuck Him ~ Celia Watson...............................................................................18 The Itty Bitty titty Comitte ~ Celia Watson...........................................................................................................20 Never Have I Ever... ~

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How To Fix Your Relationship With Instagram ~ Chiara Hackney Britt............................................................24 Only Fans Isn’t Empowering, it’s Just Better Marketing ~ Lily Amos...................................................................27 Say It With Your Chest ~ Hanna Fearnside.........................................................................................................30 Queer* Joy, Queer* Rage ~ Connor Winfield........................................................................................................33 Understanding Your Body Shouldn’t be Taboo ~ Leila Clark..............................................................................34 A Critical Feminist Position on the Drivers of Gender-Based Violence ~ Katie Jakab.......................................36 Where My Eyes Meet Yours ~ Sout Higgins..........................................................................................................40 Touch Yourself, Then Tune In / Getting Off to Local Gigs....................................................................................43 Woroni Radio Picks: Local Gold (So Far!) ~ Grace Williams..............................................................................50 Sostenibilidad Sustainibility ~ Jasper Walsh........................................................................................................52 For Fuck’s Sake.......................................................................................................................................................54 Moroni!.............................................................................................................................................................56-59

Photography: Lucas Apte

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ANU is now in full swing, with the sun’s setting face returning so early - I hate it. For our humble readers, we have curated an intensely warm magazine to comfort you through the blistering cold of this mountainenclosed city.

In contemporary life, liberation is a necessary growing trend. The limitation of true self-expression has historically led to unfulfilled lives, skewing the barrier between lies and hidden realities.

We’ve been working at full speed to provide you with the highest quality of writing, art, stories and of course, dating advice. So open up your lubricated medical equipment probe covers and enjoy!

Dating apps, 3 month rules, Instagram stories, hall-cest, corridor-cest; all segments of true intimacy, trapped. However, not all bad. Honestly, we need distractions, they really are fun when you break it down, and seriously, don’t take it too seriously!

Sex: the ever-encapsulating modem of life. I think we can commodify modern-day ramifications of this through Robert California, who says; “All life is sex, and sex is competition”. Competition has itself become a constant hovering mist over ANU, clouding the ‘realness’ we all pretend to strive for. One common pattern we have seen at ANU is the exploitation of liberation, and the denial of responsibility. There is no liberation without accountability, and university institutions have failed to meet the grain.

When you read this magazine, you should relate each piece to yourself. Our individual experiences are far more commonly shared between one another than you may expect. My advice; express yourself wherever you go, and whoever you become. My time at Woroni is coming to an end this semester, and I’d like to say thank you to everyone who has helped me throughout this journey. It has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my time at ANU. Photography: Lucas Apte

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LGBTQ ACCEPTANCE TRENDS Noah Ralphs

Earlier today I saw a poll put on Pink News that said that 40% of Americans think that ‘Homosexuality is morally wrong.’ In Israel this is 48%, Hungary 34% and Russia 74%. Such, backward thinking is appalling and shocking in modern day society and honestly should provoke wider discussion about how much further we need to go on LGTBQ+ rights across the world. By contrast in European countries such as the UK, the Netherlands, Spain and Germany 90% believe that homosexuality is morally acceptable. Acceptance of Gay rights has been something many in Europe have been proud of on all sides of the Political aisle. The promotion and legislation of Gay rights is a point of pride amongst pan-Europeans and showed europe desire to promote a progressive liberalism amongst the European union. Viktor Orban being an unwanted exception. Within this polling though I have spotted an unfortunate and worrying trend emerging throughout europe and the wider world more generally. Issues relating to the transgender community have seen a downward trajectory as increased denigration and stigmatation amongst the media and certain political parties have led to decrease in support for trans-rights. For instance, 2018 polling in the UK shows why there was an ambivalence on the issue: there was wider acceptance of transgender rights and acceptance amongst society. In 2024 when polling was re-examined it shows that attitudes have shifted with more people coming more sceptical of trans rights and most concerningly transgender people altogether. In 2018, 60% of British people said that people should be able to identify with the opposite gender recorded to at birth. In 2024 it had dropped to around 50%. In 2018 40% of British people said the law should allow people to change their legal gender with 40% saying that the law should not allow people to change their gender. In 2024, 56-58% people said the law should

not allow people to change their gender. There have been other shifts for the worse when it comes to polling particularly around trans-women in sports and allowing trans-people in certain public spaces. This is not just a quantitative change. There has been an increased denigration, stigmatisation, hostility and in some cases appalling instances of violence and mistreatment. Not allowing trans people to play sports or in certain public spaces is a form of social exclusion. Unfortunately, this behaviour has become mainstream in regard to attitudes to the transgender community. Denigration and stigmatism have been key reasons for why polling numbers have shifted in recent years. Polling also indicates that the salient the topic of transrights is, the more likely people in the general public are likely to hold a hostile or negative view of the transgender community as a whole. Reasoning, being that the common narrative being held at the moment amongst the general media/public is one that has been captured by right-wing operatives and ideologs. Conservatives have gained what they see as political capital by pushing a general narrative of apathy and hostility towards trans-gender people and have continued to do so as a result. They have cultivated a ‘moral panic’ while discussing the topic leading to increased feard and shocking levels of discrimatory language. Unfortunately for this piece there is no upside in how to deal with this villification and denigration being peddled by the far-right other then by challenging common narratives and stories. Reminding people that we are all human whose altruism should extend beyond misinformed characterisations and a manufactured moral panic. In the end, the treating all people with respect should be the bare minimum. What this polling indicates is we have not even reached a point of respect, as we as a society are still seemingly content excluding and denigrating a significant section of our society. This must be addressed and urgently.

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EDIE CORIN

STRIKES IN THE ABC OVER WAGE AND AI DISPUTES At 11:00 am on the 25th of March, around 30 union officials surrounded the ABC offices on Northbourne Avenue, waiting for workers to exit the building and begin a 24 hour strike. One union officer stood on the footpath, holding up a sign reading ‘Fair Pay - It’s as Easy as ABC’ to anyone driving down Northbourne Avenue. A veteran of the 2006 ABC strike, he told Woroni that while he and others wished it hadn’t come to this point, he hoped the action would “bring management to its senses”. ‘Management’ refers to the ABC Board of Directors, namely Managing Director Hugh Marks. The Board recently proposed a 10% pay increase over the course of three years, workers receiving a 3.5% increase in the first year, and 3.25% in the subsequent two. The offer further included a $1000 bonus for fixed-term and ongoing employees covered by the Enterprise Agreement. The offer fell 395 votes short of being accepted, triggering strike action. Union members and ABC workers have criticised the offer as being inconsistent with the 3.8% inflation rate, not accounting for lack of upward mobility or poor working conditions. The organisation’s failure to take a definitive stance on whether or not journalists will be replaced by AI has also been a contentious issue. Despite having been asked to move by ABC security, union officers attending the strike remained on the grass outside of the offices. The officers formed a guard of honor for striking ABC workers, who left the building to chants of “workers united will never be divided”. On exiting, workers milled about on the grass while speakers played such hits as Dolly Parton’s ‘9-5’ and the playschool theme song. Employees wore matching t-shirts, emblazoned with the slogan ‘we are stronger

together’, and carried posters with slogans such as ‘It’s One Journalist Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars?’. One ABC employee told Woroni she was participating in the strike to “put pressure on management”, saying she was particularly concerned about lack of band progression and the future of AI within the ABC. She said that as a child she had dreamed of becoming a journalist to “hold power to account”. Although she loved the ABC, their most recent offer was “not good enough”. When asked if she was concerned about the

repercussions of repercussions striking againstofher employer, demurred, striking she against her saying instead she was “proud” to be part of this “historic moment”, citinginstead the solidarity employer, she demurred, saying she waspresent “proud”in the Northbourne news room. to be part of this “historic moment”, citing the solidarity

present in the Northbourne news room. Several union officials spoke at the strike, including Maddy Northam, the ACT regional secretary of the Community and Several union officials spoke the strike, includingABC Public Sector Union (CPSU). Inat a speech to assembled Maddyshe Northam, thepay ACT regional of “offensive”, the workers, called the offers made secretary by the ABC and criticised the use of reproductive health leave as Community and Public Sector Union (CPSU). Inaabargaining Emphasising that the union notthe decided speechchip. to assembled ABC workers, shehad called pay to strike flippantly, she addressed Hugh Marks, saying “We offers made by the ABC “offensive”, and criticised thearen’t backing down, we’ll see you at the bargaining table”. use of reproductive health leave as a bargaining chip. Emphasising that the union had not decided to strike Northam further told Woroni that the ABC “needs to move, flippantly, she addressed saying “We aren’t and move quickly” to deliverHugh a payMarks, increase that keeps up with backing down, we’ll see you at the bargaining table”. the cost of living. Following thethat ABC Board members NorthamWednesday’s further toldstrike, Woroni the ABCmade “needs to a new offer of a 4% pay increase in the first year and a further move, and move quickly” to deliver a pay increase that 3.25% thecost second and third. While the new offer keepsincrease up withinthe of living. includes clearer avenues for band progression, it has also rescinded the proposed $1000 bonus and still does not outline Following Wednesday’s strike, the ABC Board made ABC’s position on AI. members a new offer of a 4% pay increase in the first

and 15th, a further inare theyet second and the Asyear of April ABC3.25% unionincrease members to accept new offer, and further strike action may occur after the broadcasting company allegedly reneged on a key clause.

Photography: Lucas Apte Scrapbook: Afryna Yarbakhsh

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ANU will partner with artificial intelligence giant Anthropic, the creators of the Claude model, under their new ‘AI for Science’ initiative.As part of the program collaboration with ‘AI Safety Company’ Anthropic, ANU will receive free API credits for researchers working on ‘high-impact scientific projects’, as well as a $500,000 donation. Spurred by the initiative, artificial intelligence is expected to play a greater role in research and study at the ANU. The School of Computing, continues to implement Claude in coursework, in an effort to prepare students for entry into a workforce where generative AI has become commonplace. Associate Professor Dan Andrews (no relation to the former Victorian Premier) is leading a multidisciplinary team which utilises artificial intelligence in processing genomic data in order to facilitate easier diagnosis. The move comes after the Australian government signed a Memorandum of Understanding with Anthropic, which outlined expectations for the implementation of AI in Australia under the National AI Plan. The MoU cited the potential of AI for accelerating economic growth, and stipulated that safety in AI will be paramount as the company collaborates with research institutions, engages with the Australian government in developing energy supply infrastructure and collaborates with the Australian Public Service.

Minister for Industry and Innovation and Minister for Science, Senator the Hon Tim Ayers, says that the MoU will “drive progress under the National AI Plan” and “strengthen Australia’s position as an attractive place to invest. The Australian Government’s positive reception of Anthropic is in contrast to their recent friction with the United States, with US President Donald Trump labelling company officials “Leftwing nut jobs.” On the same day the Australian MoU was announced, Anthropic released a statement where they outlined their ‘Core Views on AI safety’, stating they “do not yet have a solid understanding of how to ensure that these powerful systems are robustly aligned with human values”, and could not “be confident that there is a minimal risk of catastrophic failures.”

drawings: Eleanor Wyndham

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ANUSA REVEALS STUDENT CAFE PROPOSAL IN STUDENT SPACE PUSH At SRC 3 last week, ANUSA unveiled plans for a student cafe and space within Yukeembruk Village in collaboration with ANU’s Residential Experience Division, somewhat reviving nascent proposals of an ANUSArun cafe. A student-run cafe has been a long-running proposal at ANUSA ever since 2020. That year, ANU Union, the former student-run bar and event space, wound up after years of disputes with the ANU over its location during Kambri’s development. After several failed starts, including an infamously undelivered Night Cafe promised by the ticket which won the 2021 through 2023 ANUSA elections, current ANUSA president Charley Ellwood successfully moved a proposal for ANUSA’s endorsement of the space in the Yukeembruk precinct at this week’s Students Representative Council. Elwood, commenting to Woroni, explained that ANU’s Residential Experience Division had

reached out to ANUSA inviting them to sponsor the new space in Yuukembruk. ANUSA will commit $100,000 to sponsoring the space, using previous grants from ANU originally intended to be used for setting up an ANUSA Night Cafe that would have otherwise expired at the end of 2026. The space would incorporate both a cafe (to be run by Yuukembruk students) and around 3 to 7 vending machines. The space and vending machines are intended to be open 24/7.

space. Additionally, as a space run by an independent organisation, the new Yukembruk space should be immune to bureaucratic fiddling by ANU staff implementing the Functions on Campus policy though this is currently unconfirmed. The policy requires event organisers to file lengthy applications and paperwork multiple weeks before an event. Many student society and organisation executives have complained that the policy is unworkable.

While negotiations are still ongoing regarding what products this space will offer, Ellwood has indicated that ANUSA is looking into obtaining vending machines similar to the Flying Turtle vending machines used at UNSW and the University of Sydney. These machines have a variety of drinks including smoothies, matcha, protein shakes, and coffee. Revenue brought in by these machines (expected to be around $500 a month per machine)

The SRC also voted to open up ANUSA’s boardroom to bookings from student clubs and organisations. The move, proposed by environment officer Flynn WadeSchneiders and general secretary Malakai King, is intended to make the space available as a last resort to student organisations whose events fail to get FoC approval.

will be put towards the running of ANUSA’s union pantry. ANUSA’s involvement with the space primarily concerns the vending machines, but ANUSA branding will also appear on the

REPORTING BY BLAIR DORAN AND JOSEPH MANN

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US watchdog launches audit into Epstein files handling as political fallout widens By Cyan Metcalf

The US Department of Justice’s internal watchdog has announced an audit of the government’s release of the Epstein files, following months of complaints over missing documents, inadequate redactions and the exposure of survivors’ identities. Acting Inspector General William Blier said the review would examine how the department identified, redacted and released more than 3.5 million pages under the Epstein Files Transparency Act. The release came more than a month after the statutory deadline, with the department admitting that millions more pages remain withheld. The audit comes one year after the death of Virginia Giuffre, whose allegations against former UK royal Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor helped expose Jeffrey Epstein’s network of sex trafficking.

!"#$%&'()*&+'#&*,$-.-/ The files have rocked Europe while producing a muted response in the United States. In the UK, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested in February on suspicion of misconduct in public office. Former ambassador to Washington Peter Mandelson was also arrested and resigned. Scotland Yard has been blocked from obtaining key evidence held in the files, with the DOJ insisting on a formal mutual legal assistance process that could take 18 months. In Norway, a former prime minister faces a corruption investigation and an ambassador resigned after Epstein left her children $10 million. France’s former culture minister Jack Lang resigned from a prestigious cultural institution.

0"1&2'34'#&+%$-+& In the US, by contrast, no prominent political figure has faced comparable consequences despite President Donald Trump being mentioned thousands of times in the documents. Trump flew on Epstein’s private jet eight times in the 1990s, according to an email from a federal prosecutor. The files also included uncorroborated allegations that Trump sexually assaulted a teenage girl. The Justice Department described those claims as “untrue and sensationalist”, and Trump has consistently denied wrongdoing. Former attorney-general Pam Bondi was fired in early April, with her handling of the files seen as a contributing factor. Bondi refused to apologise for the release of survivors’ nude photos and unredacted names, telling a congressional hearing she would not “get in the gutter”. Virginia Giuffre’s family has accused the Trump administration of “gaslighting” survivors.

5)#2$-'+%&*"6)1.$Speculation has grown that Trump may pardon Ghislaine Maxwell, who is serving 20 years for child sex trafficking. Her lawyer has indicated she would testify fully if granted clemency. House Republicans are reportedly split on the idea, while Democrats have called any pardon “a massive cover-up”. Trump initially opposed the transparency legislation before signing it under pressure from fellow Republicans. No timeline has been announced for the audit’s completion.

Art: collage of work by aby Eleanor Wyndham, Anouk Chapman, Afryna Yarbakhsh, Monique Thorp

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Sara Patil presents:

Everything moves in cycles. Time, seasons, our own bodies. As the days shorten and as the Canberra autumn welcomes us into the next cycle of the year, it reminds us of the circularity of it all, the intimacy of change. Leaves will fall, branches will lay bare, but they will always grow. As such, change is inevitable and arguably necessary, especially as we grapple with the weight of self-perception, the aesthetics of desire, and how a culture of hedonism and excess shape merely one corner of the human experience. But how can one come to terms with such ephemeral concepts? The answer is simple. Touch yourself. It is argued that to touch yourself is a form of introspection. Eroticism just happens to be one of them, a lens or framework to understand ourselves, our world and our bodies. As such, to mark the launch of Touch Yourself, Woroni Radio has compiled a list of toe-curling songs to clutch your pearls to in our journeys of never-ending pursuits of hedonism, and what it means to us in a world that seems slightly off-centre but still strangely our own, through the workings of an everadapting sexual culture and the erotic imagination.

Human Nature, Madonna Human Nature is a sultry and provocative song by the one and only Madonna, an answer song to the backlash she received for her previous album ‘Erotica’ and her book, ‘Sex’. Due to their sexually explicit nature, these projects were negatively received by critics, positioning Madonna as a sexual renegade. As a response, Human Nature functions as a direct response to critics, as she playfully whispers “Express yourself, don’t repress yourself” in the opening of the song, repeated throughout. Madonna remains a key pillar in the metamorphosis of sexual cultures, with this song questioning sexually taboos head on by questioning, “Did I say something wrong?/ Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex,” further underscoring the assertion that “it’s human nature.” The idea of an unapologetic woman who was in touch with her sexuality…unheard of! >P[OPU [OL ÄYZ[ ]LYZL ZOL ^OPZWLYZ PU H [OPU UHZHSS` [VUL KYPWWPUN ^P[O ZHYJHZT ¸@V\ ^V\SKU»[ SL[ TL ZH` [OL ^VYKZ 0 SVUNLK [V ZH` @V\ [YPLK [V ZOV]L TL IHJR PUZPKL `V\Y UHYYV^ YVVT HUK ZPSLUJL TL ^P[O bitterness and lies.” Madonna does not beat around the bush. Lyrics such as “I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me,” and “I’m not sorry, its human nature,” are carried by a steady drum beat and heavy bass by Babyface, providing a juxtaposition between the ‘softer’ production and hard-hitting lyricism. She further asks, “Would it sound better if I were a man?” with the implication that if she were, she would not have

photography: Lucas Apte

12 met the same amount of criticism (no surprises there). She brings forward the blatant hypocrisy of the ‘old school’ sexual culture, the double standard of feminine sexuality, considered taboo, which is simply human nature. In Human Nature Madonna presents the struggle between the old versus new schools of sexual cultures and encourages the listener to move forth into radical self-acceptance and away from shame.

Girl Feels Good, FKA Twigs A highlight from FKA Twigs’ 2025 studio album Eusexua, this song underscores the beauty of female ZL_\HSP[` [OYV\NO UV[LZ VM SPILYH[PVU L\WOVYPH HUK WSLHZ\YL ;OPZ ZVUN HJ[Z HZ H NLU[SL HɉYTH[PVU [V [OL ZLSM ^OLYL SPILYH[PVU HUK ZL_\HS MYLLKVT JHU IL HJOPL]LK [OYV\NO [OL KHUJLÅVVY H JH[OHYZPZ VM ZVY[Z¯( dance with a stranger, a lingering eye, the intensity of human connection borne through song and dance. It’s a call to power of sorts, urging the needs and desires of women to be centred as “it makes the world go ‘round.” This track introduces the idea of movement as a way of being, a way of connecting with one’s inhibitions. Girl Feels Good expresses these notions through swelling instrumentals which capture the pure elation felt VU [OL KHUJLÅVVY ^OLYL TV]LTLU[ PZ UV[ VUS` H JVWPUN TLJOHUPZT I\[ HSZV H TL[OVK VM YLSLHZL ;OPZ [YHJR MLH[\YLZ HU LU[YHUJPUN TLSVK` HSTVZ[ ZPYLU SPRL Z\YYV\UKLK I` Z`U[OZ HUK VɈ ILH[Z ^OPJO MLLS SPRL H JHSS [V [OL KHUJLÅVVY ¸>OLU H NPYS MLLSZ NVVK P[ THRLZ [OL ^VYSK NV ºYV\UK >OLU [OL UPNO[ MLLSZ `V\UN you know she feels good” is repeated through the pre-chorus and chorus. This lyrical focus encapsulates female pleasure, in whatever form that may be, as a powerful, cyclical force. It brings forward imagery of the wheel of fortune in classical tarot and the notion of inevitability, that the wheel will always turn and change is inescapable. In Girl Feels Good, FKA Twigs crowns dance and feminine pleasure as the all-powerful force which fuels [OL THJOPUH[PVUZ VM [OL O\THU L_WLYPLUJL VɈLYPUN [YHUZJLUKLUJL [OYV\NO TLHUZ VM L_JLZZ ¶ KHUJL WSLHZ\YL HUK ZL_ ;OPZ WPLJL VɈLYZ H YLHSP[` ^OLYL [OL IVK` \UKLYNVLZ H TL[HTVYWOVZPZ VM ZVY[Z MYVT HU object shaped by the ideals and prejudices of the world into a vessel unbound from the chains of shame, perception and rigidity.

G.U.Y, Lady Gaga “Lay back and feast as this audio guides you / Through new and exciting positions,” tells you everything `V\ ULLK [V RUV^ HIV\[ [OPZ ZVUN . < @ .PYS <UKLY @V\ PZ MLH[\YLK VU 3HK` .HNH»Z [OPYK Z[\KPV HSI\T Artpop. Produced by Zedd, this piece features a rough, grinding bass and pulsing synths along with Gaga’s HSTVZ[ YVIV[PJ KLSP]LY` VM S`YPJZ ¶ H SV]L SL[[LY [V [OL ,+4 NLUYL [OYV\NO [OL ISLUK VM PUK\Z[YPHS OV\ZL HUK pop elements. This song can be understood as a representation of newer-age feminist rhetoric where she explores concepts of sexual liberation, politics and roles in a connection. Her assertion remains that sexual roles and K`UHTPJZ HYL THKL [V IL Z\I]LY[LK ^OLYL ZL_\HS KVTPUHUJL HUK Z\ITPZZPVU HYL Å\PK HUK LTWV^LYPUN UV[ KLÄULK I` L_[LYUHS ZL_\HS WVSP[PJZ 0U [OL S`YPJZ ¸0 ^HUUH IL `V\Y . < @ VO `LHO 0 ^HUUH IL [OL NYH]L HUK LHY[O `V\ 6\Y ZL_ KVLZU»[ [LSS \Z UV SPLZ ¹ HUK ¸ 0»T NVUUH ZH` [OL ^VYK (UK V^U `V\ @V\»SS IL T`

13 . 0 9 3 ¹ .HNH IS\YZ WYLL_PZ[PUN ZL_\HS KPJOV[VTPLZ ^OLYL [OL . < @ PZ WYLZLU[LK HZ Z\ITPZZP]L HUK [OL . 0 9 3 PZ WSHJLK PU KVTPUHUJL ;VW IV[[VT KVTPUHU[ Z\ITPZZP]L ¶ .HNH HZZLZZTLU[ VM [OL ZL_\HS SHUKZJHWL W\ZOLZ \Z [V L_WSVYL [OL IV\UKHYPLZ VM NLUKLY KLÄULK ILOH]PV\YZ ¸0 KVU»[ ULLK [V IL VU [VW ;V RUV^ 0»T ^VY[O P[ ¹ VUS` \UKLYZJVYLZ [OPZ . < @ PZ [OL JHTW` LHY NYPUKPUN PU [OL ILZ[ ^H` ZVUN [OH[ ÄUKZ strength within sexual politics that have traditionally chastened women.

Liquid Smooth, Mitski Liquid Smooth is a haunting siren-song that was written when the singer-songwriter was only 17 years old, a critique of the male gaze and patriarchal ideals through the exploration of themes of youth, beauty, and the pressure to validate one’s ‘physical prime’ before it fades. It presents the visceral self-awareness of the physical body as a perishable entity, one that will succumb to decay and rot, like over-ripe fruit. The song opens with a steady, rhythmic piano which evokes a sense of impending doom as her voice, which YLTHPUZ ZPSR` I\[ ^P[O HU LKNL VM NYP[ ^HSRZ \Z [OYV\NO [OL L_WLYPLUJL VM VIQLJ[PÄJH[PVU [OYV\NO PTHNLY` of rotting fruit. “I’m at my highest peak, I’m ripe/ About to fall, capture me/ Or at least take my picture,” represents the perverse beauty standards where beauty is associated with youth and one’s ‘prime.’ Mitski is coming to terms with the reality that her body, now an object, will lose value in the eyes of the male gaze as she grows, further diminishing her value as a human. The fruit metaphor presents how her value will “fall” like fruit, as she fears the standard of beauty which she provides her value as a woman will be out of reach. “I’m liquid smooth/ Come touch me too/ And feel my skin is/ plump and full of life/ I’m in my prime.” This chorus is one that makes the skin crawl, the hairs on the arms stand up as a wave of unease settles into the body. The piano seems to be getting louder, cutting through her haunting words as a deep, bellSPRL UVPZL [OY\TZ [OYV\NOV\[ [OL JOVY\Z 4P[ZRP PZ VɈLYPUN OLYZLSM OLY IVK` ¶ H WPLJL VM YPWL MY\P[ [OH[ PZ HIV\[ [V YV[ H YLÅLJ[PVU VM OV^ `V\UN ^VTLU»Z IVKPLZ HYL JVTTVKPÄLK HUK ºJHW[\YLK» [OYV\NO ZL_ HZ an act of preservation. “Biology, I am an organism/ I’m chemical, that’s all, that is all,” further underscores the existential dread that follows when one is restricted to their biology and appearance, demonstrating [OL HSTVZ[ :PZ`WOLHU Z[Y\NNSL VM ÄUKPUN ]HS\L PU VUL»Z IVK` ZL_\HSP[` HUK WO`ZPJHS HWWLHYHUJL \UKLY H patriarchal gaze which only degrades it.

Drawings: Afryna Yarbakhsh

Photography: Lucas Apte

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I scroll, I keep telling my friends I’ll delete it. I swear. Images unfurl, Staring at on-the-market cuts. Biceps, Bikinis, Breasts, Abs that pop! You’re sculpted in a smoky gym mirror, You’re naked under the northern lights, You’re sprawled out on a beach.

Bikini pic, Slutty Halloween costume, Innuendo jokes, Airbrushed piece of meat. You’re conjuring some fantasy: Crack it like a glow stick, Crack the bones, gargle the marrow, Crack the egg and make an omelette, I’m scrolling again, Drowning in thirst, sucked, Ship into a whirlpool. I’m turning myself into a flesh-light. Of my own consent?

You are a sex toy, A body pillow, The cover of Playboy. I’m no better.

Lillian Glover

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Touch Yourself

ordinary moments. It forms a continuity that exists outside

Shivagha Sindhamani Pathak

it is fully formed, the body operates at a different pace.

‘Touch yourself ’ is a phrase that has been narrowed by

It does not demand attention. It remains available for it.

productivity. In a world shaped by responsiveness, where screens react instantly and systems anticipate desire before

habit, reduced by cultural reflex into something the world almost flinches at. But there is another meaning, quieter, less performative, and increasingly forgotten. It is the act of returning to the simple fact of one’s own existence. Mornings once unfolded differently: a ceiling coming slowly into focus, the weight of the body reappearing before thought begins. The day arrived without commentary, without interruption. Now it arrives already shaped, through notifications, headlines, and fragments of other people’s lives arranged before any conscious encounter with the self. One enters the world slightly out of step with it, and that small displacement does not disappear; it accumulates quietly as the day continues. In contemporary life, the return to one’s existence can’t be automatic; the day begins with mediation. You wake up and reach for your phone before you reach for your own presence. Your small and habitual gestures, however unnoticed, set the tone for everything that follows. Attention is taken before it has had time to form. Within this rhythm, adulthood often quietly settles in through repetition rather than decision. Days align, tasks are completed, and life maintains its outward coherence. From a distance, nothing appears missing while the rhythm becomes self-sustaining; carried forward by momentum more than attention. Life continues in this way less through intention than through inertia, and stopping would require a different kind of awareness altogether. Over time, precision and efficiency begin to organise experience. They make life workable, but they also narrow its range. What gradually recedes is the practice of returning, of pausing long enough to register one’s own presence within the movement of things. We need to touch ourselves. Break the smooth continuity of automatic movement that structures daily life. This could be as simple as feeling the weight of your own hand resting against your arm, as a form of verification. I am here. This is where the body becomes important—not as a project to be improved, but as an archive to be noticed. To touch your face, for example, is to register its presence without interpretation. The skin carries the history of climates, conversations, and unspoken decisions. It holds heat and cold without language, the residue of contact, the unnoticed accumulation of

This act of returning is often misunderstood as a form of healing or self-repair. It is neither. One can be entirely functional, productive, and outwardly “fine” while still experiencing a subtle misalignment between action and presence. What is required is not transformation, but recalibration, a quiet adjustment between what one does and where one is while doing it. Such recalibration rarely announces itself in dramatic ways. It appears in small, almost negligible moments: standing in line without distraction, walking without allowing a device to redirect attention, or sitting with one’s own thoughts without immediately converting them into something useful. These moments do not arrive as revelation but as a reduction in internal noise. There is no emotional intensity or sense of discovery, only a slight clearing of distance. One is no longer adjacent to oneself but briefly aligned. To touch yourself again, in this sense, is to confirm your existence and remain. The external world will continue to accelerate, becoming faster, more immersive, and increasingly effective at holding attention just slightly outside of one’s own experience. These processes are not inherently problematic. Nothing in the structure of the world pauses or reorganises itself in response to attention being recovered; it continues at the same pace, with the same demands, the same momentum. The world remains unchanged in its movement and direction. What shifts is the position from which it is met, the subtle reorientation of attention that allows the same external conditions to be experienced with greater continuity rather than fragmentation. Within this tension there is a choice so small it is almost invisible, the decision to no longer live entirely as a function of what one produces. It is a way of remaining present in experience before it is immediately translated into use, interpretation, or output, even if only for a moment at a time. There is no definitive conclusion to this, no lesson that resolves the condition. There is only a gesture: a hand against one’s own skin, a pause that does not perform, a moment that does not move itself elsewhere. quietly

To

touch

yourself

and

without

spectacle,

is

simply that

you

to

know,

are

here.

INNUENDO RECIPES A Menu for 70s Swingers

16

Author: regrettably, anonymous

APPETISERS Dildoughs Soft baked breadsticks shaped with gentle confidence. Served warm. Suc d’Meat Slow-reduced jus served in a glass too elegant for what it contains. Guests are asked not to ask questions. Devilled Eggs-tra Naughty Classic devilled eggs with paprika arranged in a pattern the chef refuses to explain. ENTRÉES Beef Strokin’ Off Slow-cooked beef ragù stirred “with intention.” The kitchen denies any additional meaning. Spankghetti Bolognaughty Spaghetti Bolognese served with aggressively al dente confidence. Jock’s Strap A tightly wrapped meat parcel that holds its shape under emotional pressure. My Big Fat Greek Spreading A mezze platter that expands across the table without consent. Horny Gazpacho Chilled tomato soup served with unnecessary garnish placement and emotional ambiguity. Sloppy Seconds A reheated dish proudly acknowledging its own history. Doggie Style Hot dog served sideways on a bun that refuses to behave structurally. Boner Slow-smoked ribs so firm they require structural documentation. Flash Your Rack Lamb ribs presented dramatically under theatrical lighting. DESSERTS Couque D’Asses French pastries shaped with unnecessary precision and even more unnecessary explanation. Minne di Sant’Agata Cream-filled pastries served in polite silence and Catholic guilt. Feddi ru Cancillieri (Chancellor’s Bottom) A dense Sicilian dessert that arrives with administrative authority and no substitutions allowed. COCKTAILS Very Dirty Martini So dirty it arrives with a disclaimer and a second glass “for moral support.” The Velvet Thrust Smooth gin cocktail served with unsettling confidence.

Photography: Lucas Apte

17

HOW TO ANAL

Boring sex life? Wanting something new? An aspiring bottom? This is the guide for you.

- Anonymous, mysterious author

SHOPPING Lots of lube and a douche is the minimum. If you want to make life easier, you should also eat more fibre. PREPARATION This may take a while, put some music or a podcast on and bring your lube and douche to the bathroom.

Fill your douche with lukewarm water, cold water is unpleasant, too hot will burn. Make sure to fill the whole douche, you don’t want air. Then lubricate your douche. Don’t necessarily insert the whole douche, if needed, you can go slowly. Once inserted, squeeze. Leave the water in for a while before expelling or add more. Rinse and repeat the cycle until water runs clear. You will find a rhythm that makes sense. It is useful to have your toilet near the sink. We would recommend reading further advice on the internet on this matter, as to ensure respectability we have not published all details. Wait at least half an hour after douching before starting sex. Note: Some people have anal without douching. This can be done if you are well prepared, but carries obvious risks.

FOREPLAY As in all sex, what happens before the penetration is equally as important as what occurs during. You’ve worked hard during preparation, time for the other person to play their role. Finger and rimming (having your ass eaten out) are great ways to warm up. If fingering, use lube and go gradually, only one finger at a time, until the receiving partner is comfortable for more. Rimming is usually very enjoyable for both parties and helps as a little bit of pre-lubrication. SLOW AND STEADY Time to insert, the big moment! Make sure the penis is well lubricated, it will make the process far easier. I often find that riding (cowgirl) is good to start with as it gives the receiving partner the most control about how quickly to proceed. But everyone has their own preferences! Generally, go little by little. Having said that, the tip is often the worst bit and it proceeds to get better from there. If it hurts or doesn’t feel right, don’t insert yourself further, rest for a little before proceeding.

THE FUN Once fully (or in the case of very large penises, partially) inserted, start moving around. The more you move the better it’ll get. Remember that at any time you can take a break. Try different positions, missionary, although a classic, can be very fulfilling, especially if you put your legs over the penetrator’s shoulders. Speaking from a male perspective, you can cum hands free when bottoming. It takes effort on the part of both partners, but is equally rewarding for the top and the bottom. AFTERWARDS Any usual self-care you have after sex, but just be aware that your next toilet trip may be a little more sloppy than usual.

18

No really. Someone fuck him. by Celia Watson

Forgive me for departing from the hallowed requirements of Chicago referencing but I believe someone once said WKDW ZH·UH OLYLQJ LQ WKH EHVW time in history. In some ways, WKLV LV WUXH ,W·V KDUGO\ HUXGLWH to argue that instead of clean running water, sturdy shelter, education and $6 McSmart 0HDOV ,·G UDWKHU GDVK DURXQG my cave with uncooked meat rotting in my molars and shit crusting in my crack. However, reading the news GRHVQ·W H[DFWO\ HSLWRPLVH +HJHO·V SDUDEOH RI SURJUHVV DQG LW·V SODLQ VWXSLG LI , ZHUH to pretend that everyone has access to clean running water, sturdy shelter, education and, yes, even $6 McSmart Meals. %XW WKDW·V QRW VRPHWKLQJ that can be conquered by VH[ 1RW HYHQ ZHOO H[HFXWHG cowgirl. Luckily for much of this audience though, what ¶WURXEOHV· WKH DYHUDJH $18 student could genuinely have

cowgirl, doggy or perhaps PLVVLRQDU\ LI ZH·UH IHHOLQJ FUD]\ DV LW·V VROYH Incompetent leadership. I could demonstrate how this LVVXH H[SDQGV WR OHDGHUV RWKHU than the elephant that not so subtly stomped on that previous line, but our brains are rot and \RXU ÀQJHUV OLNH WR WXUQ SDJHV so I may as well skip to him. $V , WKLQN KDV EHFRPH REYLRXV by what is about to be three 0F'RQDOG·V UHIHUHQFHV LQ VRPH ZRUGV ,·P QRW RQH WR NQRFN WKH *ROGHQ $UFKHV EXW 'RRU dash…in a war? Tweets…in a ZDU" 'LVFDUGLQJ 1$72«LQ D war? War??? In a war??? Trump is a feckless parasite. You might think it unreasonable to request he get laid. Firstly, KH GRHVQ·W GHVHUYH LW 6HFRQGO\ KH·V PDGH PDQ\ FODLPV WKDW suggest he beds women as DWWUDFWLYH DV KLV GDXJKWHU $QG

of course, with recent events, KH·V FOHDUO\ QRW ODFNLQJ LQ DFWLRQ However, if we look only at his personality and the way Melania averts eye contact with him like you or I might with any other PDQRVSKHUH FUHHS LW·V FOHDU« KH·V \RXU LQFHO·V LQFHO 'RQ·W EHOLHYH PH" +DYH \RX ever listened to an incel speak? ,W·V D PHDQGHULQJ EXPEOH RI phrases sure to make you wet; EODFN SLOO ORRNVPD[[LQJ UDPXV canthal tilt. Etcetera. In his own way, Trump employs similar YHUQDFXODU WR H[SRVH KLPVHOI as a cognitive degenerate. $FFRUGLQJ WR 7UXPS 0DFURQ·V VXQJODVVHV GLGQ·W FRQQRWH *LJDFKDG VWDWXV DQG =HOHQVN\·V suit was hardly one for a True $GDP 7UXPS LV RQH &ODYLFXODU stream away from switching his Presidential promotions to the art of the mew, rather than the craft of the bleach. I earnestly KRSH \RX GLGQ·W XQGHUVWDQG WKLV paragraph, but Trump, as an avid social media user (practically

Artworks: Milan Pecotic-Davis

7UXWK6RFLDO·V &KDUOL '·$PHOLR would respect every word. Then of course, getting him laid may not enable him to vacate the intellectual nullity he has lived ZLWK KLV ZKROH OLIH +RZHYHU OHW·V look at some leaders who were at least competent. Caesar went away to Bithynia, lost his virginity and came back a politician of unparalleled instinct. King Henry VIII reformed the FKXUFK WR JHW $QQH %ROH\Q LQ the sack. Elizabeth I made sure VKH ZDV JHWWLQJ GLYHUVH VH[XDO H[SHULHQFH E\ UHIXVLQJ PDUULDJH WKHQ XVHG WKDW H[SHULHQFH WR diversify the arts. Catherine the Great built loyalty networks by getting it on. $Q\ FRPSHWHQW OHDGHU KDG D JUHDW VH[ OLIH DQG WKDW FRPHV down to the simple fact that good

19

VH[ PDNHV SHRSOH UHOD[HG DQG VHOI DVVXUHG 7KRVH TXDOLWLHV GHÀQH OHDGHUVKLS RU DW OHDVW make sure people are productive WKH QH[W PRUQLQJ 1RWH LW ZRQ·W PDNH 7UXPS D JRRG OHDGHU ,·G ORYH WR FODLP WKDW instead of allowing economies to plummet just for overseas GLVSOD\V RI ELJ GLFNHG QHVV KH might let his cock swing in the way of his own people, thirsty for the low egg prices they thought WKH\·G VZDOORZ LQ KLV VDOW\ SLVV OLNH SUHFXP %XW LW ZRQ·W Getting laid can only make him competent. %XW WKDW·V RND\ 7UXPS RQO\ needs to become someone capable and sentient so that other world leaders will stop refusing to act on his terrifyingly LPSDFWIXO ZKLPV EHFDXVH ´KH·V MXVW DQ LGLRWµ DQG ´KH·OO FDOP

GRZQ µ :H GLVPLVV KLV ¶ZKLPV· because of his incompetence but they are wrecking balls heading toward our political, economic and societal structures. Heading towards our $6 McSmart meals. $V DZIXO DV LW PD\ IHHO WR EHQG over and be intimidated, perhaps competency may generate fear. Which may generate action. So. Someone needs to step up to the task. ,W ZRQ·W EH PH ,W GHÀQLWHO\ ZRQ·W EH 0HODQLD , GRQ·W ZDQW LW WR EH \RX 3HUKDSV ZH·OO ÀQG WKH lucky someone in one of those interminable creases in his neck; in those white abysses that lie between a tangerine crust of VNLQ %XW IRU QRZ OHW·V MXVW KRSH he touches himself.

20

Evie fell out with Gia when they were in Year Six. I didn’t see Gia for six months until they reconciled at a Westfield and my mum and I ran into her on the way to pick Evie up. “Christ, Gia’s grown up!” my mum scoffed as I kept one eye on a nearby Max Brenner poster. There was something satisfying about the milk spilling from the saucer. Gia had an amazing rack. Her mum owned a bra store for women with larger breasts. Gia gave my sister her first sip of alcohol on a trampoline when they were 13. I like to imagine this moment sometimes. The day was over but the dark fabric of the night hadn’t spread across the sky yet. There were a few small trees covering the trampoline and its metal bars radiated heat that would keep the girls warm even without the sun. “Trampolines aren’t really for jumping anymore,” Gia said as Evie’s light bounces slowed to a stop. The sound of cicadas circled around the steady pour of tequila and coke into those big mugs that can hardly fit in a child’s hands. “It just hurts my back,” Gia added.

21 When I saw Gia at Westfield, I couldn’t wait to ‘grow up’ in a way that would make my friends’ mums scoff. But when one isn’t as naturally well-endowed as the Gia’s of the world… can they go about faking it? The answer, to the dismay of many a big-titty lover, is yes. All around

However, hold onto your ta-ta’s, it wasn’t the end of the world. In fact, it was the start of one. Yiddies, yams, the girls, honkers, chesticles, milk tanks, fun backs, knockers, lady lumps, frontal spheres… whatever your preferred term, I don’t have them.

you, there are secret A cups that appear as Ds.. This is how we do it. 1.

500ML GLASSES OF MILK, TWICE A DAY.

2. 3.

BEE POLLEN. TIGHT TANK TOPS.

4. 5. 6. 7.

PADDING. CHEST WORKOUTS. MASSAGES WITH ‘FIRMING CREAM.’ ETSY HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS.

8. FLEXING THEM AS IF THEY’RE PECS. 9. POSTURE EXERCISES. AND, OF COURSE, 10. THE ‘VICTORIA’S SECRET BOMBSHELL ADD 2 CUPS PUSH UP BRA.’ I wore that gaping bra to school, friend’s houses, Saturday sport, the beach and even to sleep. If it still wasn’t enough, I might even add a second push up bra or cut holes into its back so the hook could clasp tighter. You can imagine my horror when I googled ‘what stunts boob growth’ and one result was ‘wearing a bra too often.’ These efforts had nothing to do with boys. I didn’t care when my friend told me about her motor boating experience and I knew I’d never be able to do that. I didn’t care when I took my top off in front of a boy and he simply said, “oh.” I didn’t care when the boy I liked had an ex-girlfriend with J cups. Okay, maybe I cared a little bit, but this pursuit really was primarily for the simple admiration of how perfect of an accessory they were. Nevertheless, these efforts were in vain. My pursuit for perky jugs would be fallible; a pathetic parade of hope through the ever-gaping halls of inevitable failure. Every gulp of milk, crunch of bee pollen or clip of a bra could only solemnly echo and taunt me.

Paintings: Monique Thorp Photography: Lucas Apte

22

I am the reigning champion of Never Have I Ever. At the end of every game, I will almost always have every finger up or a full glass in my hand. I think the only time I really remember putting a finger down was to the prompt, “Never have I ever… seen a dead body.” (Open casket funeral, don’t worry). It’s strange to not work the same as most other people. I discovered the term asexual when I was sixteen, and I’m actually so grateful to have found it relatively early. I had just had the groundbreaking realisation that sexual attraction was not, in fact, a joke or an exaggeration that everyone just went along with for whatever reason. I was just starting to panic that something might be severely wrong with me when I stumbled across the term and breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t weird to be this way. I’ve related to the label ever since. It’s a spectrum, and admittedly I’m not quite sure where on it I sit, but I’m there somewhere. But although it removes the feeling of alienation a little bit, I can’t shake

the sense that I’m strange. I don’t fit into a neat box, but these days I am quite open about being romantically queer, sapphic, lesbian-aligned, or something along those lines. But I usually don’t bother explaining the asexuality aspect. It is simply too much effort to explain to people 1) what asexuality is, 2) how it’s a very complicated spectrum, 3) that I’m on there vaguely somewhere, and 4) no I don’t know where but believe me I’m different. Like please just google it. I’m not sorry that I work this way, it’s just how I was made. I’m not sorry that it means I’ll have boundaries and that it would probably take me quite a time to be comfortable enough to do anything. And though romantic attraction is separate to sexual attraction (though they do often correlate), some of us don’t have a whole lot of experience in the romance department either. People always say that different people work in different ways and that everyone is on their own timeline. All this is very true. A romantic relationship would be lovely—if it were the right relationship. I just

don’t think it’s something worth rushing into for the sake of it or because everyone else is. But as I get older and older I tend to avoid mentioning my limited experience in, well, everything. It’s usually met with surprise, confusion, thinlyveiled judgement or simply just pity. And though some people are well meaning in their responses, I might throw a chair if I hear the phrase “it happens when you least expect it”, or “you’re still so young, you’ll find someone someday soon!” One. More. Time. There are just all these implicit expectations, and even though they’re stupid, you are made to feel like something of a failure if you haven’t met them by the invisible deadline everyone sees, but I can’t. Most of the problem isn’t the lack of relationship, it’s how severely undervalued friendships are in a society that is so romance, partnership and sex centred. I’m sure this isn’t unique to just me, but feeling friends drift away after becoming obsessed with their relationship is a different sort of heartbreak. People do all sorts of

23 lovely things for their partners while friends become an afterthought— someone to do something nice for only every once in a while. Thirdwheeling a couple that barely heeds your presence makes you feel like an annoyance for existing. It stings even more when you’re told that your company is wanted, but actions confirm otherwise. Bringing up how you feel to your friends is

difficult too, because you know they’re having the time of their life, and you don’t want to spoil that by complaining. All that’s left is to wonder. What’s wrong with me? Am I really worth anything as a friend? Is the only solution to find a partner myself? I just don’t get the appeal of kissing a stranger or someone you don’t actually like. I don’t understand the hype around hookup culture. I don’t think finding a partner should be such a massive obsession. I’m sure not everyone does this, but I cannot fathom neglecting my friends just because of a partner. Even dating feels like a strange, artificial pressure to just fall for someone within a very forced context and quite frankly makes me anxious, not that that’s hard to do. If you think I’m weird, don’t worry. I think you’re weird too. Not in a judgemental way. Objectively, I know most of the things you find in a typical game of Never Have I Ever are pretty normal. Personally, I am slightly confounded every time I remember that that is normal, because to me it just doesn’t quite make sense. If something in this speaks to you, just be assured you’re not alone. It is very true that everyone has their own timeline, and that everyone works differently. Despite the fact that societal pressure says otherwise, it is completely okay. I just think we need to

value all the other sorts of joy and adventure in life, because they are beautiful and exciting as well. Never have I ever done most of the things mentioned in a game of Never Have I Ever. But have I ever travelled, drafted a novel, surprised a friend for her birthday, obtained a legally dubious visa (not as sketchy as it sounds I promise) and been drunk in multiple foreign countries. Maybe I’ll get to use that one one day. But of course, anything unrelated to romance or sex just isn’t interesting enough.

/V^ [V Ä_ `V\Y YLSH[PVUZOPW ^P[O

CHIARA /(*25,@ )90;;

APPLICABLE TO OTHER FORMS OF SOCIAL MEDIA AS WELL.

STEP 1:

`V\¯ L HWW NP]LZ [O [ H O ^ U 9LÅLJ[ V `V\ HRPUN MYVT [ »Z P[ [ H O HUK ^

Social media is not all bad. Despite all the valid criticism levelled against it, it is a way of connecting with community and those with shared interests UIBU ZPV NJHIU OPU IBWF BDDFTT UP JO ZPVS PGnJOF MJGF 5IFSF JT PG DPVSTF UIF social aspect as well. How else to stay connected with friends, especially those who might not live near you anymore (but are no less special)? How else to stay in the loop of what events are going on? It is undeniably convenient and offers an easy way of staying in contact with people when life is busy. Now for those often-repeated, but very valid criticisms. Social media, Instagram included, gobbles away at your precious time. A scroll every now and again relatively isn’t stealing much of it, but when ‘every now and again’ becomes a daily adage, it adds up quickly. An hour every day is seven hours a week, which is 364 hours a year, or a total of around 15 days spent doing something that is probably unimportant at best and genuinely IBSNGVM JO USVUI 5IPVHI JU T DPNNPO LOPXMFEHF * GFFM * TIPVME QPJOU PVU UIBU during those 15 days your attention span is corroding, which becomes an issue when faced with a longer reading or picking up a book or having to sit UISPVHI B UXP IPVS MFDUVSF 4JODF XIFO XFSF mMNT TP IBSE UP HFU UP 5IF BMHPSJUIN XPSLT JO TUSBOHF BOE VOTFUUMJOH XBZT BOE TUSJQT ZPV PG TBOJUZ BOE DPOmEFODF )PX EPFT JU BMXBZT LOPX KVTU XIBU UP GFFE ZPV UP GVFM UIF TQFDJmD UIJOH ZPV WF CFFO XPSSZJOH BCPVU SFDFOUMZ 5IFSF JT PG DPVSTF UIF delightful meme that comes up, or a post so clever in its composition that it makes the scrolling worth it eventually, but is it really worth the ones that are blatant misinformation or pure toxicity or what feels like personal attacks on the daily? Ask yourself this. Maybe it is time to distance yourself from them. %XW P\ VFUROOLQJ LVQ·W WKDW EDG« 1MFBTF KVTU DIFDL ZPVS TDSFFO UJNF BOE USZ OPU UP nJODI UPP IBSE *U T TP FBTZ to tell ourselves that we aren’t spending that much time on the app, but that’s how it’s designed. You’re not supposed to realise. Maybe yours is not as bad

Photography: Lucas Apte

24

25 as some peoples’, but how much of your day do you actually spend on Instagram? What does this add up to over the course of a week or a month or a year? Plus, like I said, the algorithm can be quite nasty. Even if you’re not spending excessive time on the app, it can be nice to step back for a bit. After all, would you spend an hour in the company of an unpleasant person of your own free will when you could instead spend it with someone far nicer? If you still are insistent that your scrolling habits aren’t that bad, I have a challenge for you. Go to ZPVS GPS ZPV QBHF 8BUDI UIF mSTU UISFF SFFMT UIBU come up, at normal speed, right to the very end. After three, stop. Pull yourself away. Can you really do it that easily?

STEP 2:

[OL HWW

1\Z[ KLSL[L

Rip off the bandaid. It’ll feel strange and VODPNGPSUBCMF BU mSTU CVU JU IFMQT TP NVDI /P time limits as a compromise at this stage. Just delete the app. However, I’m not saying cut yourself off from Instagram completely, though this might help and you should absolutely try it if you feel like it’s something realistic for you. When I deleted the app a couple of months ago, I would open Instagram on a web browser on my phone a few times a day. It’s easy enough to see the actually important things, but the clunkiness of the webbrowser and long wait times for pages to load, not to mention the buttons and controls being far more awkward than on the app, takes any dopamine out of scrolling, replacing it instead with vague irritation. But so much of my life is there! I understand. Such is the case for many of us UIFTF EBZT *U DBO UBLF B XIJMF UP BEKVTU CVU TFF JG ZPV DBO DIBMMFOHF ZPVSTFMG UP mOE UIF TBNF KPZ and satisfaction from things in real life, or in other forms of media. Watch a ten-minute (or try 20 or

JG ZPV GFFM VQ UP JU :PV5VCF WJEFP JOTUFBE PO something interesting that you’ve been wanting to know about for a while. Go for a walk and collect DPMPVSGVM nPXFST PS MFBWFT I message so many people on Instagram Me too! But like I said, you don’t have to exorcise Instagram from your life completely. In a digital world, completely cutting ourselves off from social media is probably unrealistic, so it’s better UP mOE B IFBMUIZ XBZ UP MJWF XJUI JU 5IFSF T SFBMMZ no shame in opening it on a web browser to DIFDL NFTTBHFT KVTU USZ OPU UP SFMPBE UIF QBHF obsessively. It’s basically using Instagram for the good parts, while removing or discouraging the parts that make the app toxic. I also let my most frequent contacts know that I was deleting Instagram and it would be easier to message on another app. Depending on the person, this is Messenger, Whatsapp or the plain PME NFTTBHJOH BQQ 5IFZ XFSF BMM VOEFSTUBOEJOH and happy to accommodate. And as fun as it is to send memes to someone, it can be a good challenge to instead communicate with them more deliberately with more meaningful messages. Make an effort to do so, and hopefully your friends will make the effort as well. I like all the photos though… I also like the photos, especially from the friends and family I’m following. But Instagram nowadays is mostly in reel format, which has stripped some of what I liked about the app. I’d recommend trying Pinterest instead if you’re after particular aesthetics or ideas. Or you can take your own photos!

STEP 3:

[PVU VPUN YLZ[YPJ N U V Y \ V ` [ :L LSH[PVUZOPW Y L O [ V [ N HJJVYKPU ZOLK `V\ LZ[HISP

Personally, I had the app completely deleted for a few weeks, using only the web browser to check messages and view people’s posts, but

26 it was awkward to scroll so I simply didn’t. After that, I would sometimes redownload the app for a weekend when I knew there was an event that I maybe wanted to post, or to upload some photos GSPN B USJQ JO +BOVBSZ 5IFO * E EFMFUF JU BHBJO during the week, mostly so I could really focus PO NZ XPSL .Z mSTU BUUFNQUT BU SFEPXOMPBEJOH it more permanently I realised I was starting to scroll a bit again, so I deleted it again. At the NPNFOU * EP IBWF JU SFEPXOMPBEFE CVU JG * mOE myself lapsing into old habits I won’t hesitate UP QSFTT UIF EFMFUF CVUUPO ZFU BHBJO 5IJT JT NZ

* N SFBMMZ TUSVHHMJOH UP mMM B UFO NJOVUF HBQ PS B bus ride I’m getting into the habit of taking a book everywhere. My other favourite is listening to music and staring out the window. It really depends on what works for you.

personal experience, though, and you might need something different.

VODPNGPSUBCMF BU mSTU :PV PQFO ZPVS QIPOF BOE JU T KVTU B WPJE JO UIF QBSU PG UIF TDSFFO ZPV VTFE to press automatically. You aren’t quite sure what to do with your thoughts as they settle in your head and there’s nothing to chase them away. Sitting down to do something that requires a bit more time and concentration feels like a chore. Introduce other forms of media and entertainment into your life, starting with shorter forms. Having USPVCMF HFUUJOH JOUP B OPWFM 5SZ B QPFN PS B TIPSU story instead. Read a section of a Wikipedia entry PO TPNFUIJOH SBOEPN FWFO JG JU T KVTU TLJNNJOH it. Do a puzzle that’s maybe 50 or 100 pieces, OPUIJOH UPP FYUSFNF 3FBE mWF PS UISFF QBHFT PG B book at a time. Or you can also read more Woroni articles like this one on our webpage or in our magazines around campus! It’ll get easier.

Wow, super helpful vague advice. I know, but I’m afraid I’m not an expert, I can only speak from my personal experience! If you’re really intimidated by cutting yourself off from the BQQ UIPVHI * UIJOL EFMFUJOH JU GPS mWF DPOTFDVUJWF weekdays is a good start. See how that feels, and if you can go longer, absolutely do it. Don’t be too IBSTI PO ZPVSTFMG JG JU T EJGmDVMU 5IPTF BQQT BSF EFTJHOFE UP NBLF JU EJGmDVMU GPS ZPV UP QVMM BXBZ but it’s doable. How do I keep up with events and what’s going on in the world? Again, you can access Instagram on a browser. You can also try reading the news in longform… and from more reliable sources.

STEP 4: S [OL NHW ^P[O

-PS OPUNZ YL^HYKPUN [

5IFSF T BDUVBMMZ B MPU PG UIJOHT ZPV DBO EP XJUI your time. Yes, even those moments where it feels like you have nothing to do and it’s too short a period of time to start something substantial. Again, what you do will depend on the person. Some suggestions: go for a walk. Notice things MJLF EVDLT BOE nPXFST BOE JOUFSFTUJOH DSBDLT JO UIF GPPUQBUI 8BUDI B :PV5VCF WJEFP UIBU T PO UIF longer side. Open a novel. Send a message to a friend—not a meme.

I can’t concentrate on anything else I’m afraid this will take time, but you shouldn’t feel too bad about yourself if you’re struggling with this. Again, apps like Instagram are designed to get you hooked and pulling away feels

STEP 5:

K&

9LKV^USVH

If you want, and if you feel sure that your old habits have been broken. But don’t be afraid to delete it again if they start creeping in. Once you’ve done it once, it becomes easier to press that delete button again.

If you made it to the end of this article, massive congratulations, because it was longer than I intended. Your attention span is well and truly salvageable. Now, go and delete the app! Good luck, and I believe in you.

27

BY LILY AMOS I need to say this upfront: I am not conservative. I am not here to clutch pearls about sex work or moralise about women’s bodies. I support sex workers. I understand people do what they need to do to make money, and I have no interest in shaming anyone for making money in whatever way they can in a system designed to make that as difficult as possible. But I also need to say this: OnlyFans is not empowerment. It’s the sex industry with better branding, and we need to stop pretending otherwise. I have watched, over the past few

years, as OnlyFans went from something people did quietly to something people discuss like it’s a graduate scheme. “I’m thinking about starting an OnlyFans” is a sentence I have heard more than once in casual conversation, said with the same tone someone might use to announce they’re considering freelance graphic design. It has been normalized to the point where it is no longer remarkable, which is, depending on your perspective, either progress or deeply concerning. I think it’s deeply concerning. The normalisation happened quickly and deliberately. OnlyFans positioned itself as the anti-pornindustry — a platform where

women could take control, set their own terms, keep their own profits, and reclaim their sexuality from exploitative producers and directors. This is, on paper, a significant improvement. The traditional porn industry is famously predatory, and the idea of cutting out the middleman genuinely sounds like a step forward. Except the middleman is still there. He’s just rebranded. A significant number of OnlyFans accounts are managed by men — often boyfriends, sometimes professional managers who take a cut of earnings in exchange for handling the admin, the messaging, the marketing. The platform itself

28 is owned and run by men. The subscribers are overwhelmingly

choice is still operating within a framework designed by and for

olds are making decisions about their digital footprint, their sexual

men. The content is created primarily for men. What has changed is not the power dynamic. What has changed is the story we tell

men. Sexual performance is not the same thing as sexual freedom. The freedom to sell access to your body is not the same thing as freedom

boundaries, and their long-term career prospects without necessarily understanding what those decisions will mean in 5, 10, 20 years. I would

ourselves about it.

from the expectation that your body is something men should be able to buy access to.

not trust 18-year-old me to pick a degree (literally – I dropped out), commit to a hair colour, or choose a tattoo I’d have to look at for the

I know the arguments. Sex work is the oldest profession, people say, as if

rest of my life (currently removing three), and we are asking young

age confers legitimacy. But sex work became prevalent when women were effectively property of their husbands and male relatives, unable

people to make decisions about their sexual boundaries that will exist on the internet permanently.

to own land, unable to work most jobs, unable to exist independently. That it is old does not mean it is good. That it has always existed does not mean we should stop questioning why.

I have seen this happen. I have watched close friends and people I know start OnlyFans accounts casually, as if it were a side hustle like tutoring or dog-walking, and I have watched them realize, later, that it is not a side hustle. It is the sex industry. And the sex industry, no matter how you package it, has consequences that outlast the income. I have sat with friends through the mental toll it takes — the difficulty of separating yourself from the performance, the way it

The empowerment narrative is a marketing strategy, and it has worked beautifully. By framing OnlyFans as a form of entrepreneurship — as women taking control of their own image, their own income, their own sexual agency — it has made deciding to join the platform feel progressive rather than pragmatic. You are not entering the sex industry. You are starting a business. You are not performing for the male gaze. You are monetising it on your own terms. But monetising the male gaze is still performing for it. And performing for it, no matter who keeps the profits, still reinforces the idea that women’s bodies exist primarily for male consumption.

I also know the other argument: everyone who works sells their body in some way. A construction worker sells their physical labour. An office worker sells their time. This is true. But not all work reinforces gendered power dynamics. Not all work requires you to perform sexuality for the gender that holds structural power over you. The difference matters. What troubles me most is how accessible OnlyFans has made the sex industry, and how young the women entering it are. It is easier now than it has ever been to start selling sexual content online. You do not need contacts, agents, or auditions. You need a phone and an internet

I am not arguing that women should not be allowed to make this choice. I am arguing that we should stop calling it empowerment when the

connection. The barrier to entry is so low that it is almost frictionless, which sounds like democratisation until you consider what it actually means: that 18, 19 and 20 year-

Paintings: Monique Thorp

29 changes how you see your own body and sexuality, the exhaustion

The model, then, is not just to sell sexual content to men. It is to sell

of maintaining boundaries that were never meant to be this negotiable.

the idea of selling sexual content to women. To make it look easy, lucrative, empowering. To make young women — girls, really —

There is also something deeply strange about the culture OnlyFans has created on Instagram and TikTok. Many

think: I could do that.

creators use these platforms to build their brand — posting

shifted expectations. Men now assume, with increasing regularity,

suggestive but not explicit content, building an audience, funnelling people toward their OnlyFans. But the audience on Instagram

that women they see on social media might have an OnlyFans, and that if they do, access to it is something they can purchase.

and TikTok is not primarily men looking to subscribe. It is young women. Teenage girls. Women in their early twenties who follow these creators for makeup tips, outfit inspiration, lifestyle content. I have a 13 year-old sister. I think about what she might see online, what is already in her algorithm or will be soon — OnlyFans creators appearing casually, not selling sex directly, but talking about the industry, relating to young women, showing off the money they make. Some of them seem genuinely lovely. They are not necessarily promoting OnlyFans outright. But by making it comprehensible, by normalising it as just another career option, by showing the monetary benefits, they are promoting it whether they intend to or not. And I understand the complexity here — who is to say what people should be allowed to speak about online? But the

The commodification is no longer theoretical. It is transactional, immediate, and normalised. Women’s bodies have always been objectified, but OnlyFans has turned that objectification into a storefront, and the storefront into an expectation.

issue remains: my sister is growing up in a world where OnlyFans is not taboo. It is aspirational. It is an option.

from the sex industry. It has made the sex industry easier to enter and harder to escape, and called that progress.

And they can. That is the problem. OnlyFans has also fundamentally

I do not blame the women on OnlyFans. I blame the system that makes it seem like a reasonable option, the culture that celebrates it as empowerment, and the platform that profits from both. Sexual freedom is important. I believe that deeply. But freedom is not the same thing as access to a marketplace. And empowerment is not the same thing as being told your value is tied to how well you can perform sexuality for men who are willing to pay for it. OnlyFans has not liberated women

30

DISPATCH FROM THE UNITED NATIONS AND THE 70TH SESSION OF THE COMMISSION ON THE STATUS OF WOMEN.

consensus among Member States on agreed conclusions to fast-track

HANNAH FEARNSIDE

and attendance by civil society delegations. Civil society attendees play an important role at CSW, speaking up for underrepresented

In March, I travelled to New York City (NYC) to attend the 70th session of the Commission on the Status of Women (CSW) at the United Nations (UN). CSW is the

progress related to the key themes for that year. This involves both official government delegations representing the Member States,

communities, informing government stakeholders and using

only fortnight in the UN calendar focused on women, girls, and gender equality.

public pressure to keep memberstates accountable. Civil society representatives observe in the main UN sessions and outside during the

Each year, CSW has two themes and for 2026 the themes were: !"#$"#%&' %()*)+' ,-./"#-0' 1-2' .%")-0%()-#-0' 133)..' %$' 4/.%#3)' 5$"' 166' 7$*)-' 1-2' 0#"6.8' #-36/2#-0' 9&' :"$*$%#-0'#-36/.#;)'1-2')</#%196)'6)016' .&.%)*.8' )6#*#-1%#-0' 2#.3"#*#-1%$"&' 617.8' :$6#3#).8' 1-2' :"13%#3).8' 1-2' 122")..#-0'.%"/3%/"16'91""#)".

variety of events across the UN and venues nearby. Physical proximity to government allows civil society members to speak directly with negotiators and provide on the spot feedback.

=);#)7' %()*)+' >$*)-?.' 5/66' 1-2' )@)3%#;)' :1"%#3#:1%#$-' 1-2' 2)3#.#$-A' *1B#-0' #-' :/96#3' 6#5)8' 1.' 7)66' 1.' %()' )6#*#-1%#$-' $5' ;#$6)-3)8' 5$"' 13(#);#-0' 0)-2)"')</16#%&'1-2'%()')*:$7)"*)-%' $5'166'7$*)-'1-2'0#"6.C At a time where gender equality activists across the globe are twisting themselves into defensive postures to protect existing rights and access to democratic spaces is shrinking before our eyes, this felt like an important time to be physically present at the UN and bear witness to actions of Member States. CSW is not just another conference, it is a test of governmental willpower, with the end goal being

Paintings: Monique Thorp

Traditionally, the agreed conclusions have been negotiated over the CSW fortnight, however, this year due to increasing fiscal pressure on the UN, much of the work was completed in the weeks prior. I attended CSW with The Persephone Network (TPN), a youth-led feminist network affiliated with the ANU Gender Institute and committed to building leadership, skills, and collective power for young people advancing gender equality. TPN works to ensure feminists across all generations have meaningful access to advocacy, policy, and movementbuilding opportunities. On day one of CSW there was no consensus on the adoption of the agreed conclusions. This saw the agreed conclusions pass via a vote later that day for the first time in seventy years, with only the United

31 States of America (USA) voting against and a handful of other nations

prior to the commencement of negotiations. Encroachment on

maintain international peace and protect human rights, the UN of

abstaining. This was a significant moment because the international legal system relies on compromise, what is agreed in writing in these

bodily autonomy and SRHR were of particular concern, with participants clear that bodily autonomy is foundational to their equality and

today is in a state of flux with costsaving measures being considered at every level. Historically, when faced with a difficult political climate and

rooms becomes the foundation for demanding compliance from your neighbours later.

safety. TPN youth statement called for SRHR language relating to rights, services and bodily autonomy to be included in the agreed conclusions

escalating constraints, feminists have leant on their established communities to respond and adapt to backlash. This should include

The reason for the USA’s unwillingness to vote? Despite their

without limitations or qualifiers.

collaborative, multi-pronged advocacy such as protests, rallies,

refusal to pay billions in UN dues and withdrawal from the UN Women executive board (among dozens of other UN bodies), the US still

While the US attempt to whittle down SRHR language in the agreed conclusions was thwarted. The sentiment was felt throughout the

petitions to policymakers strategic litigation.

and

The

the

sought to be heard on eight, eleventh hour amendments. Included was a resolution that sought to define ‘gender’ across the UN as referring to ‘men and women’. A vote on that resolution was swiftly shot down by a motion of no action from Belgium on behalf of the European Union.

community cannot be understated, and during the week I met and spoke on a panel with a group of delegates from the Beyond Beijing Committee in Nepal. During the rich discussion about progressing SRHR, I was reminded of the importance of deliberately seeking out policy, practice and opportunities to collaborate in other States that do not typically dominate our news cycles.

In the lead up to CSW, TPN

rest of the CSW fortnight, with pro-life activists making themselves known across the remaining side sessions and events. This pro-life activism is part of a global shift, and while the Australian SRHR system works outside of the direct impact of international decisions such as the overturning of Roe v Wade in the USA, its influence is still felt. As of 2023, abortion was decriminalised and legalised in all States and Territories in Australia. Despite this, there have been repeated attempts in recent years and across jurisdictions by embolden pro-life activists to restrict abortion rights in Australia. These tactics act as a smoke signal to likeminded allies both at home and abroad, intertwining domestic and international policy and empowering actors. This results in the undermining of language and institutions and derails focus on advancing progress. So, what to do as these well-funded,

surveyed and met with young people across the country to hear their priorities. These were collated into a Youth Statement presented to the Australian Government delegation

organised movements are working to undermine decades of progress in LGBTIQ+ rights, SRHR and gender equality? Where, we once may have looked to the UN to

innovative ideas. This undermines Australia’s capacity to navigate an international environment that is becoming more complex, fraught, and interconnected.

Alongside other attempts to redefine language on gender, ‘immoral policies relating to intersectionality’, diversity, equity, and inclusion, the USA also took issue with a recommendation for Member States to ensure universal access to sexual and reproductive health and rights (SRHR) for women and girls. Telling a packed General Assembly, ‘in no way should abortion be promoted as a family planning policy’ to a cacophony of booing from civil society representatives seated on the observation level.

collective

power

of

For those eager to get involved in work in international spaces, now more than ever it is important to have witnesses in places of power like the UN. Witnesses are there to agitate for those who cannot be physically present due to travel restrictions or prohibitive costs and to keep Member States accountable to their international obligations. By not including young people’s voices in these spaces, we risk missing new and

32 There are many organisations that send delegations to CSW and

volumes of policy papers titled ‘Voices of The Future’. You can

!" #$" %&#'()*+" '," '-(" ./0" 1'*2(3'"

other UN meetings throughout the year. For example, Global Voices is a youth-led and run not-forprofit offering a Policy Fellowship

read my paper in volume two, ‘The Personal is Political: Gender-Based Violence and Australia’s Defence and Strategic Policy Strategy’.

9:'&#5*&&65*+#&"93&65-$(3'";*32"7199;8"

Program that provides in-person and hands-on experience in public policy and international affairs. TPN is also hoping to send another

.44,56#'6,3"

7./01.8"

#32"

1'*2(3'"

),&"'-(6&"4*<<,&'"=6'-"'-64"(:<(&6(35(>" ?#33#-"64"#"+#=@(&"=6'-"#+$,4'"#"2(5#2(" ,)"<&#5'65("#32"<,+65@"(:<(&6(35("63")#$6+@" A6,+(35(" #32" )#$6+@" +#=>" 1-(" 64" #" B#4'(&"

While Women in Strategic Policy is no longer available, Girls Run the World offers ‘takeover’ opportunities

,)" C*D+65" C,+65@" 4'*2(3'" #32" &(4(#&5-"

in Consulate-Generals, think-tanks, and policy institutions in Melbourne

'-(" G,$(3" 63" 1'&#'(%65" C,+65@" 7G!1C8"

I would also recommend keeping an eye out for opportunities through ANU that build your international relations / strategic policy /

and Canberra. The United Nations Australian Association offers other opportunities to engage in UN work.

1'*26(4"K(3'&("#'"./0"#32"F6&+4"L*3"'-("

diplomacy skills. Last year, I was able to take part in the Women in Strategic Policy (WISP) program run by Girls Run the World and the ANU Strategic and Defence Studies Centre. Aimed at supporting young women to publish in and contribute to Australia’s strategic debate, the WISP program published two

My final piece of word advice would be to talk to people! People are largely generous, kind and eager to share their advice for breaking into international spaces with the next generation. Be brave and send that first email, the future of Australia’s international diplomacy relies on it.

delegation in 2027.

#E+6#'("#'"'-("F+,D#+"!34'6'*'("),&"G,$(3H4" I(#2(&4-6<>" ?#33#-" 64" #" <#&'656<#3'" 63" <&,%&#$"&*3"D@"'-("1'&#'(%65"#32"J()(35(" G,&+2>"."<&,)(446,3#+"M@#<<(&"#32"'#<<(&HN" ?#33#-" 46'4" ,3" '-(" D,#&2" ,)" O,65(4" ,)" !3P*(35(" #32" 64" <#446,3#'(" #D,*'" #55(44" '," Q*4'65(N" 63'(&4(5'6,3#+" )($6364$" #32" %(32(&"(R*#+6'@>"1-("=#4"#"STSU"2(+(%#'("'," '-("K,$$6446,3",3"'-("1'#'*4",)"G,$(3"#'" '-("036'(2"/#'6,34"63"/(="V,&W"K6'@"=6'-" X-("C(&4(<-,3("/('=,&W>"

Paintings: Monique Thorp

33

I would argue that queerness and transness are themselves inherently, though not entirely, CPEJMZ FYQFSJFODFT 5IF UIFNF GPS UIF 2VFFS Department’s 2024-25 Zine, Rage & Joy, really lent itself to expressions of these embodied FYQFSJFODFT JO BMM UIFJS GPSNT "T B RVFFS NBO of trans experience, and someone with a deep appreciation for this truly queer community with its dazzling breadth of experiences, it has been a QMFBTVSF UP TFF UIF ;JOF DPNF UP GSVJUJPO BOE SFnFDU that light. 'PS RVFFS QFPQMF JO QBSUJDVMBS UIF PWFSMBQ PG QMFBTVSF BOE KPZ JT TJHOJmDBOU 0QQPSUVOJUJFT UP genuinely express the identities and desires we have often had to hide, have been shamed or JOUFSOBMJTFE TIBNF GPS EPO U KVTU CSJOH QIZTJDBM QMFBTVSF CVU B VOJRVF EFFQFS GFFMJOH PG BGmSNBUJPO Sexual expression becomes touching yourself OPU KVTU ZPVS CPEZ CVU ZPVSTFMG 4FWFSBM XPSLT JO the Zine allude to a kind of homecoming in this way. ‘Your sweet deviance, a beacon’ - the relief and pleasure of forcibly freeing yourself, and your partner(s!), from that old shamefulness by leaning into what caused it.

holes dripping blood. For authentic self expression UP QSFWBJM XF mSTU IBWF UP UFBS UISPVHI XIBU IBT CFFO DPOTUSVDUFE PWFS JU 5P UPVDI PVSTFMWFT BT trans people is to radically reshape our bodies like sculptors shape stone, and to carve what we see PVU PG XIBU XBT mOEJOH UIF %BWJE JO UIF NBSCMF 5IFTF TNBMM QSJWBUF JNNFOTF NJDSPDPTNT PG RVFFS FNCPEJNFOU BSF UIF TVCTUBODF PG NZ RVFFS FYQFSJFODF *U TFFNT UIJT JT USVF GPS UIF Zine’s contributors as well. When asked what NBLFT UIFN GFFM RVFFS KPZ NBOZ SFTQPOEFOUT UPME VT BCPVU LFZ HFOEFS BGmSNJOH NPNFOUT 0OF simply said: ‘say gex.’

CONNOR WINFIELD QUEER OFFICER

"DUT PG HFOEFS BGmSNBUJPO TP PGUFO JOUFSUXJOFE XJUI TFYVBM BGmSNBUJPO BOE WJDF WFSTB SVO UISPVHI UIF ;JOF JO JOUJNBUF NPNFOUT PG RVFFS KPZ BOE SBHF 5IF BSUXPSL UIBU TUSVDL NF NPTU CSJOHT B new meaning to the phrase ‘touch yourself’. It’s a graphic, evocative sketch of a torso holding its breasts in its hands, its chest left as two gaping

Paintings: Monique Thorp

34

5IJT Woroni edition provides a valuable opportunity to talk about something that still isn’t discussed nearly enough: the destigmatisation of masturbation, particularly for women. Despite being a normal, healthy part of many people’s lives, female masturbation remains surrounded by discomfort, misinformation, and shame. So before diving into why that stigma persists, and why it matters, I would like to clear up a few common myths. First, masturbation is both healthy and normal. Research has linked masturbation to a range PG CFOFmUT JODMVEJOH JNQSPWFE TMFFQ SFEVDFE TUSFTT TUSPOHFS QFMWJD nPPS NVTDMFT BOE CFUUFS sexual wellbeing. Women who masturbate often report greater sexual satisfaction and a stronger understanding of their own bodies. Second, sex toys are normal too. In fact, studies have found that vibrator use is associated with improved sexual function, better genitourinary health, and positive mental wellbeing. For many women, sex toys are not an optional extra, they are an important and often necessary way of exploring pleasure and understanding their bodies.

Finally, it’s equally okay not to masturbate. Not FWFSZPOF XBOUT UP BOE OPU FWFSZPOF XJMM 5IFSF JT no “right” amount of sexual desire, and choosing OPU UP NBTUVSCBUF JT KVTU BT WBMJE BT DIPPTJOH UP do so. I didn’t even know what masturbation was until I was fourteen. I was in high school, listening to GSJFOET UBML BCPVU CVZJOH UIFJS mSTU WJCSBUPST BOE I realised I had never been taught that women DPVME NBTUVSCBUF BU BMM 5IBU TBZT B MPU BCPVU UIF shortcomings of sex education. I knew what a wet dream was long before I understood female pleasure or anatomy. I could put a condom on a banana, yet I had no idea what an orgasm was. 5IBU HBQ XBTO U KVTU FEVDBUJPOBM JU XBT BMTP cultural. My parents, like many parents, were too VODPNGPSUBCMF UP UBML PQFOMZ BCPVU TFY 5IF TFY FE courses I was taught in both primary school and high school often treated female pleasure as irrelevant, or at least secondary. We are taught plenty about reproduction and risk, but far less about pleasure, autonomy, and bodily understanding. My time on ResCom and at ANUSA has also shown NF KVTU IPX EFFQMZ UIJT TUJHNB QFSTJTUT PO DBNQVT

35 challenging. It suggests that women’s pleasure is somehow less legitimate, less important, or even something shameful. And that stigma has real consequences. When women are not encouraged to understand their own bodies, what feels good, what doesn’t, and where their boundaries lie, they are placed at a disadvantage. Knowledge of one’s own body is deeply connected to autonomy, communication, and consent. Understanding pleasure can help people articulate boundaries, recognise discomfort, and advocate for themselves in sexual situations.

“Because understanding your body shouldn’t be taboo. It should be empowering.”

5IJT JT BMTP UJFE UP UIF XFMM documented “orgasm gap”: the consistent disparity in heterosexual encounters, where men are far more likely UP PSHBTN UIBO XPNFO 5IBU gap doesn’t exist because women are inherently more complicated. It exists because sex, as it is often portrayed in media and culture, is still overwhelmingly centred around male pleasure. 'SPN mMNT UP QPSOPHSBQIZ UP NBJOTUSFBN conversations about sex, women’s pleasure is too often treated as optional; an added bonus rather than an expectation. Masturbation challenges that narrative. It centres women’s pleasure on their own terms, independent of anyone else.

It often becomes most visible in conversations about vibrators. I’ve been involved in two vibrator giveaways, and each time there have been men eager to declare that “student money shouldn’t be VTFE GPS TFY UPZT w5IBU SFBDUJPO NJTTFT UIF QPJOU entirely. For many women, sex toys are an essential tool for sexual exploration and pleasure, in ways that are simply not comparable to men’s experiences. Dismissing them as frivolous, inappropriate, or “dirty” reinforces the very stigma we should be

article by

LEILA CLARKE

Ultimately, destigmatising masturbation isn’t KVTU BCPVU OPSNBMJTJOH B QSJWBUF BDU *U T BCPVU recognising women as deserving of pleasure, autonomy, and knowledge about their own CPEJFT *U T BCPVU SFKFDUJOH UIF JEFB UIBU GFNBMF sexuality should be hidden, minimised, or EFmOFE CZ PUIFST Because understanding your body shouldn’t be taboo. It should be empowering.

ANUSA Welfare Officer

36

A Critical Feminist Position on the drivers of Genderbased Violence at the ANU CW: discussion of sexism, misogyny, institutional betrayal, sexual assault and harassment, and femicide

K AT I E JAKAB 8PNFO T 0GmDFS

ominant narratives around violence against women, and all those who experience disproportionate oppression under patriarchy including non-binary, intersex, gender diverse and trans people, often move attention away from the underlying drivers of this violence. Violence against women is a manifestation of misogyny, sexism, and inequality based on gender, race, ability, and all other systems of oppression rooted in historically unequal power relations. In Australia today, this looks like 1/5 women, since the age of 15, having experienced sexual violence (AIHW govt data), and as of writing this 101 women being killed since the start of 2025 (Sherele Moody femicide-watch). However, narratives (including those employed in the ANU) often treat incidents of violence and sexual assault and harassment (SASH), as isolated events tied to perpetrator-victim relations, or treat perpetrators as uniquely unwell individuals rather than active participants in a broader culture XIFSF NBMF WJPMFODF JT HMPSJmFE FOBCMFE BOE KVTUJmFE *O UIJT TVCNJTTJPO * JOUFOE UP SFEJSFDU this conversation on gendered violence towards its underlying drivers: systems of oppression; and highlight how this manifests in the ANU context and what we need to do to change this.

and norms and reproducing a system of EPNJOBUJPO JO XIJDI XPNFO BSF TVCKVHBUFE Misogyny is a related but different phenomenon.

5P VOEFSTUBOE UIJT JTTVF XF mSTU OFFE B DPMMFDUJWF

With its etymological roots in ‘hatred’ and ‘women’, misogyny can be broadly understood as a negative affective or emotional orientation towards women BT B HSPVQ 5IJT JT B TJNQMJTUJD VOEFSTUBOEJOH of the term, which has evolved to grow complex roots in politics, interpersonal relations, emotions, and gendered socialisation. Dr Samantha Pinson Wrisley (2023), an academic in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, presents a broader working EFmOJUJPO PG NJTPHZOZ BT B DPNQMFY NJY PG TPDJBM feelings that work to simultaneously inspire and

understanding on what misogyny and sexism are, how they work, and what they look like. Sexism can be understood as the systemic and institutionalised QSFKVEJDF BOE EJTDSJNJOBUJPO UPXBSET XPNFO enabling and upholding patriarchal hierarchies

KVTUJGZ UIF TPDJBM NBMUSFBUNFOU PG XPNFO *U JT a form of hatred predicated on men’s desire to situate themselves in the gender hierarchy—to exert power and construct/normalise ideas around XPNFO BT JOGFSJPS PCKFDUJmFE BOE JNNPSBM UP

Painting: Maggie Sun

37 KVTUJGZ HFOEFSFE EPNJOBUJPO BOE NJTUSFBUNFOU While men are disproportionately the perpetrators of gendered violence, gendered violence isn’t FYDMVTJWFMZ JOnJDUFE VQPO XPNFO BT NFO BMTP OFFE to dominate each other to position themselves in the gender hierarchy—creating hierarchies based on race, ability, sexuality, gender expression, and facets of identity which do not align with hegemonic masculinity. Misogyny and sexism are the underlying drivers of gendered violence, including sexual assault BOE IBSBTTNFOU SBQF BOE GFNJDJEF 5IFTF GPSNT of gendered violence are about power and male domination over women. Social cultures that glorify, KVTUJGZ BOE FYDVTF WJPMFODF UPXBSET XPNFO VTJOH claims like ‘she deserves it’ or ‘she actually wanted it’, are informed by misogyny. Victim blaming is another manifestation of misogyny, which involves creating moral narratives that work to belittle victims/survivors and their experiences in order to keep them silent. 5IFTF TPDJBM DVMUVSFT BSF HSPVOEFE JO HFOEFS role socialization. In spaces where masculinity JT EFmOFE CZ EPNJOBODF BOE BHHSFTTJPO gendered violence against women becomes a way to accomplish this type of masculinity. 5IJT JT BO JOIFSFOUMZ JOUFSTFDUJPOBM QSPDFTT BMM All systems of oppression, including classism, racism, queerphobia, transphobia, and ableism, are maintained by the active domination of marginalised people by dominant groups, which can and is performed through violence, at systemic BOE JOUFSQFSTPOBM MFWFMT 5IJT JT XIZ XPNFO XJUI intersecting identities experience disproportionate rates of sexual assault, and also experience greater CBSSJFST UP TFFLJOH TVQQPSU PS KVTUJDF JO JOTUJUVUJPOT EFTJHOFE UP CFOFmU QSJWJMFHFE XIJUF DJT IFU OPO disabled men. 5IJT TPDJBM DVMUVSF TUBSUT XIFO CPZT BOE NFO BSF enabled to disrespect women, to get away with IBSNGVM KPLFT BOE UP NBLF BTTVNQUJPOT BSPVOE what they deserve from women and their bodies, predicated on their learned misogyny.

It ends in women being killed and assaulted. 5IFTF BSF UIF DVMUVSBM VOEFSQJOOJOHT PG HFOEFS based violence, and they are reproduced and performed at ANU: on campus, in our schools and colleges, and in our residential halls. A potent example is the former College of Health and Medicine, which, in the Nixon Review commissioned in September 2024, was found to house a misogynistic, elitist, and racist academic and workplace culture. Within this culture, SASH, nepotism, bullying, harassment, and abuse went unchecked by the ANU for years. 5IJT DVMUVSF FYJTUT BMTP JO SFTJEFOUJBM IBMMT Misogyny, classism, racism, queerphobia, transphobia, and ableism live in our residential IBMMT 5IJT IBT DSFBUFE B DVMUVSF XIFSF QSJWJMFHFE people exert power over others, and where marginalised people are discriminated against, GFFM VOTBGF BOE BSF TVCKFDUFE UP FYQFSJFODFT PG violence, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. As someone who lived at a residential hall for two years, I have witnessed and experienced misogyny JO UIJT DVMUVSF 5IJT DVMUVSF JT BO VOEFSMZJOH ESJWFS PG SASH, and helps explain the disproportionate rates of SASH at the ANU. In 2017, the Australian Human Rights Comission ‘Change the Course’ report into Sexual Assault and Harassment in Universities found that the ANU ranked 1st in the country for incidents of sexual harassment and 2nd for sexual assault. And in 2022, the National Student Safety Survey found that 26.1% of ANU students had reported sexual harassment and 12.3% reported being sexual assaulted – almost double and triple the national average respectively. I want to bring this discussion to three main conclusions: one directed at the ANU, one directed at cis men, and one directed to those most oppressed by patriarchy including women, trans, non-binary, intersex, and gender diverse people. 5IF "/6 FOBCMFT BOE SFQSPEVDFT IBSNGVM DVMUVSFT of misogyny when it fails to hold perpetrators accountable, when it allows them to move between colleges without proper record of incidents, and

38 when it doesn’t provide consistent, meaningful, and DVMUVSBMMZ BQQSPQSJBUF DPOTFOU FEVDBUJPO 5IF "/6 enables this when they do not implement cultural action plans in all residential halls that address misogyny and center student voices and experiences. 5IF "/6 FOBCMFT UIJT XIFO UIFZ EP OPU QSPWJEF comprehensive formal SASH disclosure training for all student leaders. And they enable this when they do not listen to students and victim-survivors on what UIFZ OFFE GSPN "/6 QPMJDZ BOE BDUJPO 5IJT JT XIBU institutional sexism looks like. We need policy and processes on the prevention of SASH, which need

WJPMFODF BOE 4"4) JT TDBSZ 5IJT JTTVF JT GBS MBSHFS than any of us can change individually, particularly when these systems are actively working against us—to silence us, to punish us, to make us conform. But also, recognising the systemic nature of these issues highlights the role that collective action QMBZT JO UBDLMJOH UIJT JTTVF 8F BSF BMM TVCKVHBUFE under systems of oppression, in different ways and UP EJGGFSFOU MFWFMT CVU PVS mHIU NVTU CF DPMMFDUJWF Shared liberation must be our goal. We all have a responsibility to believe and support each other. * QFSTPOBMMZ mOE UIJT FNQPXFSJOH LOPXJOH UIBU

UP HP CFZPOE KVTU DPOTFOU USBJOJOH UP SFDPHOJTJOH UIF role of misogynistic cultures in driving SASH, and the reality that entire cohorts of boys and men have been socialized since childhood to regard violence BT B WJBCMF QBUIXBZ UP OFHPUJBUF SFMBUJPOTIJQT 5IF gendered nature of sexual violence is must be named BOE BDLOPXMFEHFE 5IF "/6 OFFET UP EP CFUUFS

others who share my experiences are ready to mHIU XJUI NF UP DSFBUF TBGFUZ BOE GSFFEPN JO PVS societies and institutions. We see you, we hear you, and we believe you.

My second message is to the men who live at residential halls and study at the ANU. It is important for us all to understand the role we play as individuals in perpetuating cultures that upholds SASH as permissible or inconsequentialzz. Not all men are perpetrators, but all play a role in either challenging the systems and culture that enable SASH, or are BO BDUJWF QBSU PG UIJT DVMUVSF 5IFSF JT OP NJEEMF ground. Being apathetic or complacent is being complicit. Everyone has to do the work to recognise the misogyny and sexism that uphold SASH; the ways that we partake in this, and how our biases, beliefs and privilege contribute to this. However, men play a crucial role in challenging this culture, as those who possess power and privilege, and who most actively CFOFmU GSPN QBUSJBSDIZ -FBSO UP SFDPHOJTF BOE DBMM PVU NJTPHZOJTUJD KPLFT $IPPTF UP DSFBUF TPDJBM pressure and expectation that you and your peers act with respect. Choose to sit with uncomfortable feelings and conversations. And do not pursue social acceptance and comfortability at the expense of KVTUJDF Finally, to our communities most vulnerable to experiencing gendered violence in its many forms, I want to end on a note of resistance. Recognising the systemic and institutionalised nature of gendered

39

Drawing: Afryna Yarbakhsh Photography: Lucas Apte

40

Where My Eyes Meet Yours

by S c o u t Higgins

I am looking at you looking at me. It’s a deep, rushing river that moves through me and from me. It is the stillness between the sound of the alarm and the smell of the smoke. It’s the list I made when I was 16 of everyone I had ever kissed. The urgency of locking lips, exchanging saliva, the sky-touch of palms or fingertips to cheek. It’s the list I made last week, of everyone I have ever met. The scrawl of my handwriting, sloping in loops and curves, a map of relationships - the names I wrote first, the names I avoid. The church bells ring and we sing ourselves through the heavy wooden doors. A candle and service booklet sit before every member of the service, in the pews. Slowly the dim room is filled with nervous, flickering bursts of lights as we pass the flame from one to another. We sing, we listen, we pray. I stand for the first time at the altar and eat the body of Christ: dry like dust

and sticky on the roof of my mouth. I drink the blood of Christ: sweet like cherries. Dawn breaks and illuminates on the East-facing altar window an androgynous, almost naked youth. Not a man nor a woman, neither feminine nor masculine, just a young person rising from the grave and from the darkness. Under them I feel observed but not judged. I am not religious but I understand the push and pull of temptation, sin and forgiveness. I’m looking for someone to tell me what my purpose is. More than anything I understand needing the gaze of another. The desire to adopt a witness to our lives. That God is watching, taking note of the tension between who we are with others and who we are alone is beautiful, perverse, intoxicating. The week before, in a different place of worship, a sacred space more familiar to me - hidden within a different kind of smoke and darkness - Berghain’s steady

Photography: Anouk Chapman Drawings: Eleanor Wyndham

41

pulse and pace pulled me out of my body. I became (or so I thought) invisible, unobservable, unperceived by

her. I don’t. And in the hours that follow until we finally leave and re-enter the real world - a bright, fresh spring

strangers, free. I became an androgynous youth rising from the crush of bodies; I am unashamed of nakedness and have shed my layers. I am dancing with my tube top pushed to my waist, a beer in one hand, the other

morning - I am re-confronted with my complicated relationship to queerness.

outstretched to feel the music. My eyes are closed. I am finding God.

It’s a confrontation that I’ve avoided for a longer

When I was a kid, on days spent at the beach, I

time than I would care to admit. Kissing friends of friends in a carpark on Friday nights in Year 11, mini skirts and lace bralettes, watermelon cruisers. I twined their long hair in my fingers and waited for absent butterflies.

would run towards the walls of white water, foam horses breaking free from the sea. Diving under the waves,

I was a lucky and very loved child. My parents

somewhere in the crash of sand and currents, a quiet stillness would catch me. Held. Gripping onto the sand, I’d squint up to the roof of water rushing above me. I’d surface, suck in deep breaths and rub the salt from my

spent their late teens and twenties in bars and clubs on Oxford Street, helping friends with their Mardi Gras floats and working in creative spaces that for the most part celebrated the queer community. I came out at 14 or

eyes. Dive again.

15 with relative ease, love, and acceptance. It allowed me a freedom I had lost somewhere between playing Sylvanian Families and looking up WikiHow to kiss a boy. It was liberating.

I have spent my adolescence looking for this quiet. On dance floors, in the wooden pews of a church on Easter Sunday, I want to be caught. Find silence in the body. Observed only by the unobservable. Through the pulsations of the strobe and bass, a woman, dark curly hair, sparkly tooth gem and a kind face, leans in to tell me that I am beautiful. I smile, reciprocate the compliment. It was a compliment. I can see myself from her perspective - both the opposite and the mirror of bodylessness. I am bodied and bound to the earth and to the music and yet also hovering above the room. She has seen me caught in that transcendent, holy space. The spell is broken. The magic of feeling unobserved. The incantation of my non-existence. A gaze that I have existed under since I was 12 years old and became aware of myself. Aware of this body, of its curves and rises. The elongating of limbs and tangle of hair. Though puberty was a slow and subtle physical change in my body, the force of its gravity slammed a heavy self-consciousness into my actions and presence in the world. Before, if you were looking, I didn’t know. Now, I was looking at you to see if you looked back. Later in the bathroom she introduces herself, gives me her number, and is disappointed when I tell her I don’t live in Berlin. I know that if I wanted to I could kiss

In those early years of high school, sleepovers consumed by talking about crushes, the first couples and rumours of first kisses and shy touches, I felt simultaneously desperate for and disgusted by the attention of my male peers. To come out, be queer, was to present myself above the scope of their desire. It felt powerful. You are not looking at me and I am not looking at you.

Later in high school, my sexual identity, an uncertain bisexuality/lesbianism, gave me time. A shield from harm. Though I fantasised about a future in which I’d meet my dream girlfriend in a bookshop in Melbourne, the realities of sex and intimacy were far from me. Whilst my friends were slowly beginning to have sex and ‘lose’ their virginities, the word ‘virgin’ was foreign to my vocabulary. My school was small, my social circles smaller. There was limited opportunity to meet anybody that I could foreseeably have sex with. In this time, very quietly, or rather in a brash teenage way, I began to become someone. I cut my hair short, bleached it. Writing bad poetry and long-winded

42 diary entries on the school bus home. I studied for exams, and I asked my mum about her childhood. Reconnected with childhood

housewarming. Encounters in queer bars and clubs, a connection to a community that is overwhelmingly

best friends and grieved with them when a primary-school classmate passed away. I attended university open days, juggling potential futures in the air. A climate scientist or an English teacher, maybe an artist or a writer, a director… Someone with something to say about the world

kind and loving. Where loving women feels easy, natural, overwhelmingly kind, loving men seems implicitly tied with violence. I’d experienced the fear that comes with queerness but fortunately not the

she saw. My teenage shoe-gaze slowly lifted from scuffed Doc Martens and turned outwards. Unconcerned by the attention of the guys in my life I discovered the importance of my own perspective, the things I thought worthy of my own attention.

violence. As the male gaze wormed its way back into my life, it had its own devastating consequences as I hastily attempted to catch up on experiences and relationships I felt I was missing out on. But the time

Then I turned 18, graduated high school, stepped out into

I had spent away from the concern of the male gaze had sharpened my eyes, allowed me a comfortability

the world. I worked the till at a local cafe, interacting and engaging with the revolving door of customers in a way that felt adult, actualised. I began to like the way it felt to look a man in the eyes. I travelled, found that my world could be bigger than I’d ever imagined, and with it that the butterflies that had once felt absent were simply sleeping. I discovered, with anguish, that I preferred to wake up next to a man. This discovery, that my sexual preferences don’t strongly align with what I thought my personal identity was, felt devastating. A tug of war ensued, an internalised homophobia directed inwards that accused myself of fraud and forgery. A desperation to return to the fantasies I’d lived in during high school. The experiences I longed for weren’t all fantasy. None of it was fake. My queerness was real, it manifested itself. It was a kiss in the crowd at Mardi Gras, a sunset at the harbour, lying in the dark of my new room holding hands after a

in my own skin that refused to sway or strip myself down for a man. It taught me not to answer when a man called me only baby, instead of by my name. I realise now, queerness for me was never really about actively pursuing same-sex relationships. It was and still is a possibility or a way out of existing under the male gaze. Allowed me to look back when I want to. Turn away when I don’t. Turn into the pulse of the music, into myself. I am not religious but in the hours between midnight and morning when I am dancing I feel only the eyes of what must be God on me. I return to the freedom that queerness, a life turned away from masculine desire and its pointed stare, offers. My eyes are sharp cutting through layers of skin, muscle, bone, attempting to touch a truth I know must exist only inside me. I am standing, dancing alone in a river full of water lilies. This river flows from me and through me to the sea I grew up with. Sought refuge in. From here to the shoreline I can see other dancing bodies, though they try they cannot enter this river. It is mine and mine alone.

43

3 Piece Meal Long before fast food chains dominated our world, the combo deal was a secret culinary technique passed down our families for generations. However, after the technique was stolen by the food corporations, the latest heirs of 3-Piece Meal vowed their revenge and to bring justice to their clans. So they formed a rock trio. If you’re looking for that sweet pop punk sound, to relive those days of the 90s and 2000s that you were definitely alive and nostalgic for, 3-Piece Meal is the quintessential ‘band’. Forming all the way back in the ancient days of 2019 as just another nameless band, they honed their craft and messed around until they got the sound that you hear today. Taking the general philosophy of writing whatever they feel like and letting their guitarist loose to run around on stage, 3-Piece Meal brings a fast-paced, high octane sound that leaves a plague of earworms wherever they go. If you’re looking at where to find 3-Piece Meal, well, they don’t know either. But I asked them and they said they’ll let you (yes, you) know as soon as they find out!

Collage and Photography: Anouk Chapman

44

CRUSH Listening to Crush is like watching someone press on a bruise on purpose. The indie rock/pop project formed from the ashes of an earlier band, and has been shaped just as much by the help of friends as by any one person steering the ship. Crush makes the sort of music that lives in the specific emotional register between I’m fine and please don’t ask me again.

It’s yearning with the

lights off.

held

tension,

the

sonic

equivalent

of

looking up at a ceiling at 2am and negotiating with it. Genre-wise they’re sitting in that warm pocket where indie rock softens into pop

without

apologising

for

either,

which

psychologically reads as self-aware sadness dressed for a night out.

and if “Above Me” is the diagnostic intake form, the EP promises the full session. The visual world is dark, red-washed, glitchy, industrial.

Brutalist

affection.

A

love letter written on concrete. Find

them

at

@homeofcrush

or

crushband.

netlify.app. Crush is the feeling of wanting to be seen and wanting the room to stay dim. Both. At once. On purpose.

Sally’s Sewing Machine @ Shadows 2026, Photo Credit: $ISJTUPQIFS -BOEZ

we present Canberra’s frumpiest minge band; Sally’s Sewing Machine. Whether by the wrath of God or the universe itself, in 1841 fivelikeminded pals picked up their tin cans and guitars and got cooking. Soon, the oven was was pried from its orifice. The delightfully geriatric red-brick halls of Burton and Garran provided the perfect atmos for this group of milk-loving, bicycling, scone-baking individuals to form a musical quintet. Guided by the minge mystique and influenced by gutters, stones, household appliances and the full Arnott’s range, Sally’s perform

An EP is slated for release later this year,

faintly

Dwellers, sellers and cow-udder-milkers, may

open, and a Sally’s Sewing Machine-shaped pie

Their April 2026 single “Above Me” is a study in

Sally’s Sewing Machine

original and cover material of the lowest quality. For frocks, polka dots, Irish jigs and all calamity … come find Sally.

More Minge @sallyssewingmachine

45

Ducks in Trees

What is Ducks In Trees?

Ducks in Trees is an indie folk music project driven by Australian-American CJ Adams, aided and abetted primarily by the lead guitar work of Bevan and the banjo plucking and vocal harmonies of Madeleine (a.k.a “Macca”). Not to mention a supporting cast of drums, bass and keys. All involved plucked from the libraries and classrooms of ANU.

sound has been the American Folk Rock scene and the 70s folk revival scene. Avett brothers, Lumineers, Decemberists, meet Arlo Guithrie and Bob Dylan. Lately, Ducks in Trees has detoured into conversational punk inspired by Australian lo-fi rockers like Tiny Little Houses, and Midwest Emo bands American Football and Modern Baseball, whilst still preserving the acoustic folk core.

silly, the name of a favorite podcast, a running gag from Charlie Brown, or real life rom-com adventures to Melbourne, and transforms into an abstract diary of loneliness, blame, fortune The

vocals,

harmonica

riffs,

banjo licks and guitar solos bely simple chord structures and strumming that become deeper and more encompassing with each new instrument added, and more intimate with each instrument stripped away.

everything from pub classics to indie rock, funk to pop. Whatever makes people dance and feel good. We formed back in 2021, to play at BNO. It ended up being cancelled that year, yet we stuck together and returned to finish 2nd in 2022. Since then we have only gotten more refined and have the opportunity to play at a range of venues across Canberra at public and private events including at Dissent, Fun Time Pony and

The music itself often starts with something

boredom.

Our latest originals have a surf rock and jazzy feel, however, Dislodged plays a bit of

The strongest influences on the Ducks in Trees

and

DISLODGED

more recently Shadows. We have become a close knit family, which the audience can hear and see when we play. Dislodged has no long term goals but playing music is where we are happiest, and we thrive getting to share that experience with those who watch us. We have a simple philosophy when it comes to the music, we love playing music and we play what we love. When we choose songs to play it’s just about what we think we can have the most fun with. Our writing process is similar, an idea forms, maybe in someone’s bedroom, maybe at a rehearsal or jam, and we just have fun with it. We love being up on stage together, in a rehearsal having a jam, and anywhere we can play music together. We’re going to keep having fun with it into the future and hope it can bring a lot of good times to us and our crowds! Follow us at @dislodged.theband to hear about our next gigs. We almost always have something coming up Collage and Photography: Anouk Chapman

Collage and Photography: Anouk Chapman, Eleanor

46

Wyndham, Lucas Apte

ALL DAY BREAKFAST

All Day Breakfast is a slacker-rock trio made up of cousins Tom, Declan, and Aodhan Kirk, who’ve been playing music together for as long as they can remember. The band took shape during the COVID-era lockdowns, when Tom and Declan began writing songs by sending each other daily voice memos — a habit that stuck, and still underpins their songwriting today. Their sound leans on fuzzy guitars, shoutalong hooks, and a heavy dose of 2000s altrock nostalgia. Vocal duties are shared between

Growing Alder An

ambitious

fusion

guitarists Tom and Declan, while Aodhan holds of

gritty

rock,

janky

grooves and fragility, Growing Alder is growing older. It’s the feeling of change. Of being young and lying in the often uncomfortable unknowing of what’s to come. Of changing age, life decisions, career courses and the forever fleeting foundations of life on the spinning spherical rock we all share and love. Growing Alder blossomed from roots decades old when singer-songwriter Luca Florez heard his best friend’s younger brother Elijah Logan played the drums and was looking for a new musical project after finishing college. They teamed up and sent a call out to the universe (and the local Canberra music Facebook page) for musicians interested in exploring an altindie rock project. Guitarist, Tom Nouri-Azari responded a day later and quickly the group found chemistry both musical and personal. When, through mutual friends, ANU school of music student Shivi Vachaspati walked into the beat-up Watson garage, bass guitar in hand, the band realised it’s full potential. @growingalder

it down on drums. Notably, there’s no bassist here — not out of principle, just because they never bothered to find one — which only adds to their raw sound and “don’t-care” ethos. On stage the band is loud and gloriously unhinged, with all three acting like frontmen at once. Lyrically, All Day Breakfast is steeped in angst and self-deprecating humour, with songs about overthinking,

awkwardness,

and

the

general

messiness of early adulthood. Having grown up together through school, uni, first jobs, first dates, family pressures, and everything in

between,

their

music

reflects

a

shared

experience that will feel familiar to a lot of students.

Collage and Photography: Anouk Chapman, Eleanor

47

Wyndham, Lucas Apte

Spit the Dummy Spit The Dummy is an alternative rock band mainly from the south side of Canberra. Although we do lots covers ranging from pop to metal, we take a lot of our own musical inspiration from 90s grunge. We all really love that scene where bands like Silverchair, Soundgarden and Nirvana were introduced. We all have our own personal music influences but we bring those all together to create a lot of different messages. Our goal

THE REEDS

with music is to connect with people, and write

The Reeds are an up-and-coming Indie, alt-

about personal experiences that others might be

rock band. Giving a new take on late 90s/early

able to relate to, along with bringing attention

2000s influences that culminates with a sound

to current world issues. A lot of covers we have

that is equal parts refreshing and nostalgic.

done have political themes discussing war and

Influences such as Radiohead, The Strokes, and

prejudice which we believe needs to be spoken

Wunderhorse shaped the roots of their sound, as

about especially in the arts. When we finished

they simultaneously focus on diving into new

writing a lot of songs we are proud of, we would

sounds and unknown formulas.

like to set up gigs not only to bring the music community together but to bring support for

The band formed from a group of school friends

communities we respect and believe in.

that shared the same passion for music and songwriting. As the band grew, they explored the idea of gigging. From then, at the band’s ripe age of 15 began The Reeds’ dive into the Canberra scene, with a headliner show at ‘The Polo’ nearly four years ago! The music stems from lived experiences, passion and purpose. The philosophy of music for The Reeds is such that it’s one of the fundamental human needs, and a world without the exploration of music would be of no significance. The upcoming Gigs for The Reeds have been put to a slight halt as they finalise the change of their band name and image. From the soonest point possible the band will change their name from The Reeds to ‘Bon Echo’. Once the change is complete Gigs, single releases, an EP and supporting tour will be coming for the band, so be sure to keep up with them! You can find them on instagram on @_thereeds_, or soon to be @ BonEchoBand.

48

ROMILDA

Romilda started out as a solo venture, a singer/ songwriter born in Canberra that wanted to make music in her gap year after high school. Her alternative-pop sound varies, always relying on the storytelling of a song to ground each performance. She’s been compared to Pat Benotar for her angrier performances, Faye Webster for her atmosphere, and Phoebe Bridger’s for her lyricism.

We are simply a transcendent punk band mashing

All of her music comes from a place of truth telling- each lyric is a lived experience. Romilda

wants

THE INVISIBLE INVISIBLE BEES THE BEES

this

to

continue

to

be

her

songwriting philosophy, creating music that people see themselves in. The band formed for live gigs around Canberra, and it consists of two of her best friends (Lee Elliot on guitar, and Equinox on the bass) and two of her older siblings (Freia on drums, and Felix on keys). Together, their live sound is upbeat and nostalgic, with moments of vulnerability. Romilda likes to make use of the fact that everyone in the band can sing, you’ll often catch a five part harmony at a headline gig or setlist with more stage time. You’ll be able to catch them in the upcoming months on Woroni radio, playing a live set. Romilda has also recently released her first single “Amends” on all platforms, produced by Basic? and Lee Elliot.

together our influence from all decades of music. We are all from Bathurst NSW and formed in high school in 2022 where we have since played many live sets consisting of an atypical and youthful spirit. In 2026 we all moved up together to the ACT continuing what musical journey we began in regional NSW. We are looking leave a legacy behind in musical history and evoke the same spirit of rebellion that music once did to our previous generation, changing how we perceive and comprehend life through the transcendent language that is music. We have a fully mastered debut ep titled Oceanica which was recorded and produced at the legendary Grove Studios during our gap year in 2025 it was mixed by the amazing Scott Horscroft who worked on career defining international releases for artists such as Silverchair, Empire of the Sun and Birds of Tokyo and many more and mastered by up-and-coming engineer Felix Davis of Metropolis Studios behind the mastering of Geese’s Getting Killed. These songs were all composed by our high school selves, we have loved bringing them to life and look forward to sharing to share our music with the students of ANU all of the world. @The_Invisible_Bees

on

announcements, and photos.

Instagram

for

big

Collage and Photography: Anouk Chapman, Eleanor

49

Wyndham, Lucas Apte

NightSwim

Swirling landscapes, syrupy choruses against crushing guitars, and dynamic contrasts going from

earthquakes

to

kaleidoscopic

gardens.

Forming in 2024, Nightswim has been one of ANU’s most exciting exports into the Australian music scene. Nightswim is James Watters on vocals and guitar, Izak Lindsay on vocals and guitar, Chi Canty on bass guitar and Samuel Noakes on drums.

O T H E R N O T A B L E MENTIONS: Aiffel

Nightswim shows are energetic wild times, with

Arithmoquine

the crowd being thrown on and off stage, moshes

At Last

breaking out every second song, and blazing

Barbara the Band

musicianship. Nightswim is influenced by a mix of psychedelic,

Bodyshirt Guilty by Association

dreampop, and alternative rock artists such

Bronze Age Collapse

as Smashing Pumpkins, Thee Oh Sees, Dinosaur

Culottes

Jr, The Replacements, and My Bloody Valentine.

Delphia

Dreamy passages followed by crushing fuzz are familiar hallmarks of the bands live shows, with the aesthetics of both chamber pop and heavy metal coalescing to make a transcendent audial trip.

Elestial Fireplace Good Lightning Kilroy Loose Content

Releasing their debut double single “Fooled Me Twice // Pull the String” in November of last year, Nightswim has seen their following increase after captivating live shows supporting

Marlten Nora Nuta Mantis

this release. You can find their music on all

Paloma

streaming platforms and follow them on Instagram

Sprawler

@nightswimcbr.

Ultrarage Killcare

Woroni Radio’s Picks: Best Local Gold for 2026 (so far!) GRACE WILLIAMS

Bronze Age Collapse - The World

For this special edition of Radio picks (and my parting gift to my beloved Station,

strategic and slow build that culminates in an experimental, psychedelic yet timeless

Woroni Radio), I’ve only chosen tracks released this year by local artists. Although

feel. This piece is not for your casual listen, however. It is an experience. The ascend-

there are far more musicians I would love to highlight (believe me I would love to

ing ostenatos in the guitar around minute six create a hopeful build that resolves into

talk more about the talent we see here in Canberra), we’re sticking with 2026 releases.

a classic rock melody filled with entendre and psychedelic imagery. Hats off to Liam

And my apologies to Teen Jesus and Genesis Owusu, you are simply too big to

Sandison’s vocals in this piece, hitting high tenor notes with control and precision,

benefit from a Woroni review.

and mixing registers with a healthy dose of vibrato and phrasing control.

Sophie Edwards - Better

Romilda - Changing

Melancholic and reflective, Sophie Edwards’ Better showcases the best of ANU-

Although this selection is still yet to be released and is in the infancy of its

grown music production. The ambient mix furthers and extends the conflicts

production, hearing ‘Changing’ live at Shadows transformed me fundamentally.

expressed in Edwards’ lyricism. I’ve listened to this piece both at home and live at

The use of suspended vocal harmonies, the tasteful implementation of both belt

Dissent, and have quickly fallen in love with this narrative. She masterfully layers

and heartbroken lilt of Romilda’s head voice; this piece brings heartbreak to a new

vocals to realise the feeling of blind infatuation for a person not worthy of said

level. I felt privileged to see Romilda’s performance of Changing as early as I have,

infatuation, and harnesses a Cigarettes After Sex style drum groove to create a false

for its eventual release will surely skyrocket the ensemble to critical acclaim. The

sense of security. The ambient vocals that litter the background creates unease,

greatest asset I believe this piece has, however, is how its production supports the

contrasting with these other more-comfortable elements. The piece is simple yet

carefully crafted lyricism, especially in its second verse. The vagueisms highlighting

complex, and it has become a staple for my usual listening roster. For fans of Lucy

the details of heartbreak without finding its cause, all building to a climax of ‘I wish

Dacus or Big Thief ’s style of ambient, folk-inspired indie rock, you will love a Sophie

you loved me more, maybe then I would have stayed,’ realises best the complexity

Edwards concert.

and paradoxical nature of grief: grieving love, grieving the person you were, grieving

All Day Breakfast - (I Don’t Talk To) Anyone Anymore

what could have been. I am very excited to see where this band goes next, and I will

The anthem for introverts everywhere, Anyone Anymore is playfully self-reflective. I

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A sleeper hit from their debut album, Game of Charades, The World is a testament to the rock ballads of old. It sounds straight from a ‘78 Led Zeppelin concert, and is a phenomenal listen both live and at home. The piece is a long seven minutes, with a

be there front and centre for their next release!

saw All Day Breakfast for the first time at the Growing Alder single launch, and their

ARCHIE - What Goes Around Comes Around

stage presence was fantastic. The trio bring a garage-rock energy that perfectly slots

Although this single technically first released late last year, the phenomenal Together

to the D-I-Y nature of the Canberra music scene. Anyone Anymore is fun, energetic

Apart EP only came out in March, so I am counting this one! Produced by Jack

and is difficult not to rock out to (especially when home alone!), and showcases some

Nigro, What Goes Around Comes Around showcases the best of ARCHIE’s musical

tremendous audio engineering by Owen Butterworth. It has become a staple for my

prowess. It is fast-paced with a diverse wall-of-sound production and lyricism you

radio show, and is littered throughout my personal playlists this month. With longing

can’t help but dance and sing to. Every time I listen, I can’t resist yelling ‘Where’s

and melancholic vocals by Thomas Kirk layered with the brash and unapologetic

my refund!’, even in public places, I can’t help but dance a little on my walk to my

drums of Aodhan and the wheezer-reminiscent retro guitar supplied by Declan, this

classes with this blasting in my ears. It fuses indie rock with some classic Americana

track is a recipe for success. I’m very excited to follow their release schedule this year.

and Country influences, whilst maintaining a feel that fits right into the Aussie

Growing Alder - Black & White

Indie Rock scene, fast paced and dance-worthy, with a little melancholia sprinkled

Another Sophie Edwards production side-quest is Black and White, the debut single

throughout.

of local band Growing Alder. I saw Growing Alder for the first time by accident, and

The Mic Knight Sextet - blues

quickly became obsessed with the softer rock feel and reggae/ska influences in their

The last track on MIc Knight’s EP of the same name, blues is an experience, and not

set. Luca Florez’s vocals are phenomenal, both live and in studio, and layer master-

for the casual jazz enthusiast. It is a showcase of the diverse talents of the Mic Knight

fully in the studio-version of the track. Growing Alder are an ANU School of Music

Sextet, and utilises energy changes to present all the best qualities of the EP. Blues,

product, and it is shown through their creative songwriting that fuses genres. I’d like

as track that lasts 25 minutes of non-stop freedom of expression, feels like an EP

to specifically commend Shivi Vachaspati’s bass in this track. It grounds the piece

within an EP. As explained by Paul Dal Broi, blues works best ‘blending exceptional

with warm resonance whilst maintaining a playful complexity, which is executed in a

musicianship with fearless creativity and emotionally charged improvisation’. Hats off

shockingly non-chalant performance when seen live. Considering Black & White is

to the SoM musicians in this ensemble, as blues is a celebration of improvisation and

their debut single, I’m very excited to see what they have planned for future releases!

showcases you don’t need to go far for great jazz music.

U O Y T A H W E LIK READ?

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Woroni wants you (ohhh so badlyyy) to contribute to the next issue! :)

Graphic Design: Cyan Metcalf

PSSSSST!! HEllooo you saucy minx of a reader you xx HEYYY..... WYD B4 THE 3RD OF AUG??

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Collage: Afryna Yarbakhsh Graphics: Anouk Chapman

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BY JASPER WALSH

how could people not afford to be sustainable when our problem is too much consumption and too much waste?

We’re moving into winter – nay weather but yay fits. Back come the ugly knits beanies coats gloves (fingerless?), coats layered skirts folded over jeans stay the boots and so many more vinnies finds to be worn at any one time. Woah! Canberra doesn’t always feel like Capital of much, but the right street can feel like some kind of slow fashion capital.

Higher prices may help for fairer compensation for the workers and planet – but overconsumption at a higher price is still overconsumption, and the idea that we’ve put virtue to buying power is a little too horn-tooty. We’ve accepted this commercialised re-positioning of consumption as ‘ethical’ that just doesn’t logic.

Given we’re entering such a period of garment accumulation, I thought it might be a good time to step back and vibe out the slow fashion industry with you all – starting with my friend, and veritable fashionista, Kit.

Now Glebe – everything good about that market seems to have little to do with the clothes shopping. Kit’s been known to trek over for a good loaf of bread. I’m there for the limebike journey, people watching, maybe lemonade. But with all the pricing and competing over, Glebe feels more and more like it’s moving towards an exchange of tradeable assets than people trying to recycle clothes they grew or aged out of. Less a market than THE market.

Kit took the time to explain to me the rationale for the slow-fashion industry – as a turn towards more high-quality materials with more ethical compensation of workers, an ethos of reuse. In conversation of our shared love of a market, and in spite of all things quality and affordability, Sydney’s little own Glebe, she brought up how the turn to curation in these spaces has made quality 2nd hand clothing really pretty inaccessible (we together have trawled through a rack there with nothing under $200, one pair of jeans at $700, all with those clothing locks they use at retail stores). Interesting - thanks Kit! Jasper here now. If slow fashion is a formula for sustainability, low accessibility feels like a contradiction;

Slow fashion, you haven’t de-centred consumption, you haven’t found much of a solution to anything ending up in landfill. Lipstick on a pig is one thing - on a Westfield is a whole other. Yes I loved you – I loved what you sold to me, but the vibes are off. I’m ready for a divorce. Time to get naked and run off into the woods (but maybe after winter).

SUPER ANONYMOUS AUTHOR

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Mor oni Railing you with the latest: raw, uncut, full bodied and free. That’s our promise. xo ªÃ¾ËºÇȾÉÎ ÄÃIJÇÂÈ É ¶È Ĩ¨É¶Çɺ¹ ÄÃ˺ÇȶɾÄà ĩ £Ä ¥Á¶ÃÈ ©Ä ÄÃɾÃʺ É Administrators clarified the conversation has been successfully initiated via email and will now be left to “develop organically in the minds of students.”

Man Opens Up About Personal Growth, Clearly Means Something Else

Friends report the second-year Arts student has been “doing a lot of work on himself lately,” a claim supported primarily by his sudden insistence on privacy.

Residential College Introduces ‘Consent-Themed Cocktail Night’

The event, featuring drinks like the “Enthusiastic Yes” and “Revocable Agreement,” aims to foster awareness in an environment widely regarded as the least conducive to it. ANU Releases 12th Survey This Week Asking Why Students No Longer Respond To Surveys The survey, estimated to take 18 minutes to complete, includes several mandatory questions about survey fatigue and a final section asking why the respondent almost didn’t fill it out.

Sexual Health Organisation Accidentally Distributes Ultrasound Probe Covers as Condoms for 8 Months, Review Finds No One Looked at Box An independent review has confirmed that a sexu-

57

al health organisation mistakenly handed out more than 4,000 ultrasound probe covers instead of condoms because no one thought to look at what they were ordering. An independent review, commissioned after the blunder came to light in August 2024, found that Sexual Health and Family Planning ACT (SHFPACT) had no formal purchasing procedures, no stocktaking system, and no mechanism to verify that the thousands of blue packets arriving in the mail were, in fact, condoms. Investigators determined the probe covers were ordered after a staff member searched “condoms” on a supplier’s website, where the medical equipment was incorrectly listed under the condoms category. Staff then accepted the delivery without question, filed the items into the condom inventory, and handed them out at public schools, community health centres, and university O-Week events. “We searched ‘condoms’ on the supplier’s website and clicked the first thing that looked condom-shaped,” said a spokesperson. “In our defence, the packaging is blue.” In a shocking admission, one Moroni Editor revealed that he had used a probe cover thinking it was a condom. “In hindsight, I found the sex to be a bit mechanical” he lamented. SHFPACT has committed to implementing all recommendations, including creating an ordering catalogue with product numbers—a technology first developed in approximately 1985. The organisation also announced that a single staff member will now oversee its entire purchasing portfolio, a job the spokesperson described as “watching the condom orders, one condom at a time.” At press time, SHFPACT confirmed it had successfully ordered 10,000 actual condoms—just as the Iran war sent global condom prices up 30 percent and triggered widespread shortages.

ANU Hookup Grinds to a Halt After One Participant Cites Section 67(2) What began as a standard Saturday night hookup between two ANU law students devolved into a four-hour evidentiary hearing after one party invoked the Crimes Act 1900 (Cth) mid-foreplay. Witnesses report the encounter came to an abrupt halt when second-year student James Liu raised a single finger, withdrew to a safe distance, and requested a formal adjournment to establish whether ongoing consent had been “properly ascertained and recorded in accordance with Section 67(2).” “You can’t just imply consent from conduct,” Liu explained later, still wearing one sock. “The statute requires affirmative communication. A nod, a moan, an enthusiastic thumbsup—none of that meets the evidentiary standard. I need it in writing. Preferably witnessed. Notarised if possible.” The other student, Brittany Thompson, immediately withdrew consent—not because she wasn’t interested, but because Liu started citing case law. “He literally whispered Agresti v The Queen into my ear,” Thompson said, pulling on her jeans. “At that point, the mood wasn’t just dead. It was on the coroner’s slab.” At that point, Liu requested a second adjournment to consult a highlighted printout of Agresti he had apparently brought with him in a clear plastic sleeve. ‘It’s just good practice,’ Liu said, despite both parties having only consumed two glasses of Aldi’s ‘Heirloom 2022’ ($6.99, screw cap). “Intoxication is a vitiating factor under Section 67(1) (g). I need to establish baseline sobriety before proceeding.” “I’m not intoxicated,” Thompson said. “If I was, I would not be regretting every choice that led to this.” After nearly four hours, a panel made up of two flatmates reached a verdict: no consent existed after the initial “hey, wanna hook up?” text. “A single ‘yeah sure’ sent via iMessage at 11:47 PM does not create a blanket licence for human intimacy,” the panel ruled from the couch. Liu is now considering an appeal. Thompson has filed a formal complaint—not for sexual misconduct, but for “weaponising legal jargon outside of a classroom.” The ACT Government’s newly launched consent campaign, “Consent Can’t Wait (But Apparently This Guy Can)” , offers this guidance: “Ask once. Accept the answer. The only brief you should be reaching for in the bedroom is the one with an elastic waistband.”

ANU to ‘Fix’ Sexual Assault Reporting by Turning Entire Process into Choose-YourOwn-Adventure Novel In response to years of student protests calling for clearer, trauma-informed reporting pathways, the ANU has unveiled a new sexual misconduct reporting system formatted entirely as a “Choose Your Own Adventure” interactive PDF, which administrators say will “simplify navigation through institutional processes by making confusion sequential.” The new system replaces what the university described as a “traditional linear maze of overlapping definitions, parallel reporting channels, and administrative deflection,” with a branching narrative in which users select their own procedural outcomes—none of which, according to students, lead anywhere meaningful. “We recognised that students were struggling to understand whether they were meant to ‘disclose,’ ‘report,’ or ‘gently hint at something in a wellness survey,’” said a spokesperson from the Respectful Relationships Unit. The updated framework includes multiple decision points, such as: “You have experienced an incident. Turn to page 4. You are thanked for your courage. Nothing further happens.” “You have submitted a formal report. Turn to page 17. Please wait 3–5 business days for an acknowledgement that your report has been received by someone who cannot act on it.” “You have escalated your complaint. Turn to page 29. Your complaint has been forwarded to a committee. Turn to page 30. The committee has been replaced. Turn to page 31. The replacement committee is currently on leave.” “It’s actually very innovative,” a spokesperson added, citing the Nixon Review’s finding that the university has a “remarkable tolerance for poor behaviour.” “We’ve gamified institutional betrayal. It’s much more engaging than our old system, which was just a black hole.”

ANU Introduces Faith-Based 58 STI Response, Encourages Students To ‘Seek Healing Through Thoughts and Prayers’ In a bid to close the budget gap and streamline student services, the ANU Medical Centre has issued a new public health directive recommending “thoughts, prayers, and a positive mindset” as the primary treatment for all sexually transmitted infections. “Look, we only have two part-time GPs on campus,” a flustered receptionist explained. “We can’t be expected to also provide antibiotics. That’s a ‘want,’ not a ‘need.’ Have you tried downloading a meditation app? Maybe the infection will just… go away.” The policy has received an unlikely endorsement from the Canberra chapter of the Australian Christian Lobby, which issued a statement praising the university for “finally acknowledging that the wages of sin are not a Medicare rebate.” Spokesperson Pastor Malcolm Briggs noted that “chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and the human papillomavirus are God’s little reminders that He is watching, and He is disappointed. Thoughts and prayers are not merely a cost-cutting measure—they are a spiritual necessity.” Briggs added that any student whose symptoms persist after three Hail Marys and a sincere apology to their mother should “consider whether they have truly repented, or whether they are merely seeking antibiotics to bypass divine justice.” The new policy is particularly concerning for international students, who are required to have OSHC but are finding it impossible to access bulk-billed GP services in Canberra. One student reported being told their “chlamydia was just a sign of personal failure” before being redirected to a $200 telehealth consultation with a doctor in Sydney. When asked whether faith-based healing might delay treatment for serious infections, Pastor Briggs dismissed the concern as “liberal secularism masquerading as medicine.” He pointed to a single, non-peer-reviewed case study from a Pentecostal church in Queensland in which a parishioner’s herpes simplex reportedly “receded after 47 consecutive nights of prayer and a strict diet of kale.” “But don’t worry,” the university’s annual report reassures. “We have reduced the number of SASH disclosures from 157 to 70. We’re not sure if that’s because fewer incidents are happening or because students have simply given up navigating our Kafkaesque reporting system to ask for help. We’re choosing to believe it’s the former. And we’re choosing to believe those STIs will clear up on their own, too.”

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Satire Magazine Rejects Student Pitch, “Reality Is Already a Joke” Editors at Woroni’s satire supplement have rejected a submission about the ANU’s handling of sexual misconduct complaints, informing the student writer that the piece “contained no discernible departure

from

standard

university

operations.”

The pitch, titled “University’s Carefully Worded Email Confirms That Words Are Indeed Being Carefully Worded,” was unanimously flagged during the first round of editorial review when three separate editors noted they had “received this exact communication from the Office of the Interim Vice-Chancellor at least twice before.” “We’re looking for exaggeration, irony, a certain creative leap,” said one editor. “This was just… accurate.” The rejected submission reportedly included a fictional university spokesperson quoted as saying, “We take this matter extremely seriously, which is why we have formed a working group to explore the feasibility of considering the establishment of a review mechanism.” Our editors have confirmed that ANU’s actual website contains a sentence with 94 percent lexical overlap. Attempts to heighten the piece’s satirical register proved unsuccessful. Suggested revisions—including “adding a conspicuously long PDF with no search function” and “proposing a redundant reporting system that reports on the reporting system”—were abandoned after a brief fact-checking exercise confirmed both elements already exist. “I told the writer to push further,” the editor continued. “I said, ‘Make it absurd. Have the committee form a sub-committee to investigate why the first committee hasn’t met.’ And they just looked at me and said, ‘That’s literally the 2023 Independent Review.’” The writer, who requested anonymity, expressed frustration at the decision. “I even wrote a scene where a survivor receives an email apologising for ‘any confusion regarding the distinction between an investigation and an expression of continued commitment,’” the student said. “The editors told me to dial it back because it sounded too plausible.”

EXCLUSIVE: ANU Solves Sexual Misconduct With New 86-Page PDF! Declaring the issue “effectively resolved,” ANU has released an 86-page PDF outlining its latest strategy to combat sexual misconduct, a document administrators say represents “the culmination of years of decisive formatting.” “We believe this document speaks for itself,” said a university spokesperson. “And if it doesn’t, there are several appendices that will.” Students are encouraged to familiarise themselves with the document before experiencing any form of misconduct. Reactions have been mixed. “I got to page 12 and felt significantly safer,” said one student. “By page 34, I had no idea what was happening anymore, which I assume is part of the process.” Critics argue the document prioritises appearance over substance. However, the university has dismissed these claims, pointing to the PDF’s “clean layout” and “consistent font hierarchy” as evidence of meaningful progress.

Painting: Maggie Sun

WORONI • ISSN 1326 - 2793 • Vol 78 (2026) no 3, ‘Touch Yourself’ (July 2026). © 2026 Australian 60 National University Student Media Inc (ABN 13 039 386 943) • +61 2 6125 9574 • woroni.com.au • contact@woroni.com.au • Unit 14, Di Riddell Building, 154 University Avenue, Acton ACT 2601 • Cover design by Woroni Art Team. Magazine typesetting and layout by Eleanor Wyndham, Anouk Chapman

ANU Student Media would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which Woroni operates, the Ngunnawal and Ngambri peoples. We pay our respects to elders past and present. Their land was forcibly stolen, and sovereignty was never ceded. The name Woroni, which means “mouth”, was taken from the Wadi Wadi Nation without permission. Consultation with First Nations people recommend that Woroni continue to use the word, provided we acknowledge the theft, and continue to strive for better reconciliation in the future. Woroni aims to provide a platform for First Nations students to hold the University, its community and ourselves accountable.

It may sometimes feel as if the worst horrors of colonisation are past, as if they happened in a different, more brutal world than this one. But the same Australian Government that took Indigenous children from their families in the 1900s incarcerates children as young as ten years old today, the majority of whom are Indigenous. If we separate ourselves and our times from colonisation, we cannot properly acknowledge and work to amend its longlasting impact. This land always was, and always will be, Aboriginal land.