Partnering Up Can Help You Grow as an Individual

Partnering Up Can Help You Grow as an Individual – Here’s the Psychology of a Romantic Relationship that Expands the Self

BY GARY W. LEWANDOWSKI JR.

It’s common to want to become a better version of yourself. Much like the desires to eat, drink and avoid harm, human beings also experience a fundamental need to learn, grow and improve – what psychologists call self-expansion. Consider your favorite activities. Things like reading a book, spending time in nature, volunteering with a new organization, taking a class, traveling, trying a new restaurant, exercising or watching a documentary all broaden the self. Those experiences add new knowledge, skills, perspectives and identities. When who you are as a person expands, you enhance your competence and capabilities and increase your ability to meet new challenges and accomplish new goals. Of course, you can achieve self-expansion on your own by trying new and interesting activities (like playing Wordle), learning new things (like advancing through a language app) or working on a skill (like practicing meditation). Research confirms that these kinds of activities help individuals expand themselves, which encourages them to put forth more effort on subsequent challenging tasks. Interestingly, romantic relationships can also be a key source of growth for people. As a relationship scientist for over 20 years, I’ve studied the effects all kinds of romantic relationships can have on the self. Today’s modern couples hold high expectations for a partner’s role in one’s own self-development.

Growing in your relationship Falling in love feels good, and spending time with a romantic partner is enjoyable, but love’s benefits run even deeper. People tend to value partners who help them become a better version of themselves. One way to optimize self-growth in your relationship is by sharing in your partner’s unique interests and skills. When “me” becomes “we,” partners blend their self-concepts and include the other in the self. That merging encourages partners to take on each other’s characteristics, quirks, interests and abilities to some extent. Romantic partners inevitably have different life experiences, knowledge bases, perspectives and skills. Each area is an opportunity for growth. For example, if your partner has a better sense of humor than you do, over time, yours will likely improve. If they have an eye for interior design, your ability to put together a room will evolve. A partner’s differing views on climate change, politics or religion will grant you new perspectives and a deeper understanding of those topics. Your relationship helps you become a better person. This isn’t to say that individuals should try to completely merge, running the risk of losing themselves. Rather, each person can maintain their own identity while augmenting it with desirable elements from their partner.

Relationship consequences of more or less The science makes it abundantly clear that couples with more self-expansion are better relationships. Specifically, people who report more self-expansion in their relationship also report more pascontinued on page 17

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File a Coronavirus Lawsuit/ continued from page 1 sionate love, relationship satisfaction and commitment. It’s also associated with more physical affection, greater sexual desire, less conflict and couples being happier with their sex life. Because self-expansion is so critical, when expanding relationships end, participants describe feeling like they have lost a part of themselves. Importantly, when less-expanding relationships break up, individuals experience positive emotions and growth. When a relationship provides insufficient expansion, it can feel like it’s stuck in a rut. That stagnant malaise has consequences. Research finds that married couples who at one point indicated more boredom in their current relationship also reported less marital satisfaction nine years later. Insufficient relationship selfexpansion also encourages people to have more of a wandering eye and pay more attention to alternative partners, increases susceptibility to cheating on one’s partner, lowers sexual desire and comes with a greater likelihood of breakup.

How does your relationship measure up? Maybe you’re now wondering how your own relationship is doing on this front. To provide some insight, I created the Sustainable Marriage Quiz. On a scale from 1 to 7, with 1 being “very little” and 7 being “very much,” answer these questions:

1. How much does being with your partner result in you having new experiences? 2. When you are with your partner, do you feel a greater awareness of things because of them? 3. How much does your partner increase your ability to accomplish new things? 4. How much does your partner help to expand your sense of the kind of person you are? 5. How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? 6. How much do your partner’s strengths as a person (skills, abilities, etc.) compensate for some of your own weaknesses as a person? 7. How much do you feel that you have a larger perspective on things because of your partner? 8. How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? 0. How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? 10. How much does your partner increase your knowledge?

Before adding up your score, know that these categories are generalizations. They suggest where your relationship may need attention, but also where it’s already strong. Relationships are complicated, so you should see your score for what it is: one small piece of the puzzle about what makes your relationship work.

60 and above – Highly Expansive. Your relationship provides lots of new experiences and helps you reach new goals. As a result, you likely have a more fulfilling and sustainable relationship. 45 to 60 – Moderately Expanding. Your relationship has produced some new experiences and additions to your selfconcept, but you have some room for improvement. Below 45 — Low Expansion. Currently your relationship isn’t creating many opportunities to increase your knowledge or enhance you. Consequently you likely aren’t improving yourself as much as you could. Consider making an effort to seek out more new and interesting experiences with your partner. You may even rethink if this is the right partner for you.

What makes a relationship great? While there are many factors to consider, one area deserves more attention: how much it helps you grow. A relationship that fosters self-expansion will make you want to be a better person, help you increase your knowledge, build your skills, enhance your capabilities and broaden your perspectives. l Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. is a Professor of Psychology, Monmouth University

Why Is New York’s Bail Reform So Controversial?

BY JOSEFA VELASQUEZ & RACHEL HOLLIDAY SMITH, THE CITY

The subway shoving death of Michelle Go and murder of Christina Yuna Lee in Chinatown last weekend have once again drawn out critics of New York’s bail reform, which prohibit cash bail for most misdemeanors and non-violent felonies. Those critics include Mayor Eric Adams. In a recent trip to Albany, he pushed to amend the bail laws, including giving judges more discretion over who to lock up pre-trial. State legislative leaders responded with a hard no. Such political wrangling is hardly new. Ever since bail reform was passed by the state legislature in 2019, the law has been hotly debated. Weeks after those changes took effect in 2020, a spate of hate crimes against Jewish New Yorkers spurred a backlash. In response, lawmakers passed tweaks to the law in April 2020. The recent shooting deaths of two NYPD officers, as well as the death of a teenage fast food worker in Upper Manhattan, have also intensified the controversy over the new bail laws. While some blamed Lee’s murder on the bail reforms since her accused killer had eight prior arrests in New York, including a recent arrest in January, the Daily News found that the reforms did not contribute to the suspect walking free. The specifics of the law are hard to parse, especially amid emotionallycharged debate from all parts of the political spectrum. Combined with the fact that much of the rollout of the law happened during the pandemic’s early days, you’re forgiven if the issue has flown over your head. Let’s break it down:

IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW?

What is bail? Cash bail is the amount of money that accused defendants “must post to be released from custody until their trial,” according to the American Bar Association. It’s designed to ensure that defendants show up for pretrial hearings — and the trial itself. Defendants are supposed to get their bail money returned to them after a trial concludes. In New York City, a 3% fee is deducted if you are convicted of a crime. If you are found innocent, you get a full refund. The fees can range from hundreds to thousands of dollars, and in some cases into the millions. The amount is typically set at someone’s very first court appearance, an arraignment, “when that person is legally innocent,” said Jared Trujillo, policy counsel at the New York Civil Liberties Union and a former public defender.

How do defendants pay bail? There are typically two ways to pay. One is cash bail, where a defendant pays the court the full amount set by a judge. The other is through commercial bonds, where a defendant (or their families and friends) pay a for-profit bail bond company a non-refundable percentage of the bail amount. The company then pays the court the full bail amount. Cash bail is used in many countries, but the United States and the Phillipines are the only places where the for-profit, commercial bail bond industry is legal. If the bail amount can’t be paid either way, then the person has to wait in jail until their trial ends. “Bail is ransom that the government is allowed to charge,” Trujillo said. “This is money that someone has to pay in order to secure their freedom.”

So why did New York change its bail laws? To understand the present discussion, we need to learn a bit about the past. Prior to 2019, the last time New York overhauled its bail laws was in 1971. Critics of New York’s old bail laws argued that they penalized poverty, creating a two tiered criminal justice system in which the wealthy can post bail while they await trial while the poor who have to sit in jail. The inequities of the cash bail system

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were laid bare in 2015 following the death of 22-year-old Kalief Browder. As a Bronx teenager, Browder was arrested for allegedly stealing a backpack. Because his family couldn’t raise $3,000 to post bail, he was detained for three years at Rikers Island, the bulk of the time in solitary confinement. Browder was released in 2013, after the charges were dropped and went on to speak openly about the toll the time behind bars took on his mental health. He killed himself two years later.

So how do New York’s current bail laws work? Cash bail is prohibited for most misdemeanors and non-violent felonies under the 2019 changes. In these types of cases, judges are required to release people with the least restrictive conditions imposed to ensure they return for their court dates. For violent felonies and some misdemeanors, such as purposefully trying to prevent someone from breathing, judges have discretion over how to use an arsenal of tools available to make sure a defendant returns to court — such as setting bail, electronic monitoring, surrendering passports or treatment programs. Judges can also hold people in detention pending their trial in very serious cases. When judges set bail, they have to take into consideration someone’s ability to pay and offer various options, including where either no money is required upfront or only a percentage, known as a “partially secured bond.”

Why is bail reform such a hot issue? In November 2021, Republicans in and around New York City handed Democrats some bruising losses. Their unexpected gains were widely credited to a platform that emphasized public safety and assailed bail reform. Following his election, Adams — a former cop — surprised fellow Democrats when he said one of his top priorities would be rolling back some of the reforms and allowing judges to consider a defendant’s “dangerousness.” Facing an increase in crime when he entered office in January — including the shooting death of two NYPD officers, an officer shot by a teenager who was released from custody after posting bail and a stray bullet hitting an 11-month-old — Adams doubled down on his calls to change the laws. State legislative leaders and key state lawmakers — all Democrats — have remained firm in their opposition to change how bail is done. l This story was published by on February 21, 2022 by THE CITY.

Editor’s note: This is an excerpt. To read the full story, including if New York’s bail reform laws had an impact and have led to increased crime, visit www.cawnyc.com

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