F. Tamya, I Am Here to Stay

I am here to stay

Tamya F.

I am here to stay Humble and true I survived my civil war Inside I found my golden ticket to find who I was looking for

Two decades of searching Still no victory Searched high as the heaven Low as hell Never met her in the middle

I try to summon her within But no response Should I stay or should I go? NEVER! I must save her from the demons

The demons capture her And caged her like a slave Hope is lost She is not a fighter A Warrior

I must ignite the fire Give her the courage to fight back Against her demons Ressurection is upon us

I am here to stay I need to dig deep To find myself Find out who I am What is my purpose? Am I alive? Or Dead?

I want to pour my feelings like a ocean My oceans waves are Sharp as a knife light as a feather

Who can I run to when I need the most? Who is my allie? Who is my foe? There’s only one person Who can help me He help and guide me Everyday; God

Although I didn’t find her I found him He can help me find her I am her and I am here to stay.

For Jasminne Méndez, pericardial effusion and pericarditis are not just an abnormal accumulation of fluid and increased inflammation around the heart. It’s what happens when you stifle the tears and pain of a miscarriage, infertility and chronic illness for so long that your heart does the crying for you until it begins to drown because its tears have nowhere to go. Diagnosed with scleroderma at 22 and lupus just six years later, her life becomes a roller coaster of doctor visits, medical tests and procedures. Staring at EKG results that look like hieroglyphics, she realizes that she doesn’t want to understand them: The language of a life lived with chronic illness is not something I want to adapt to. I cannot let this hostile vocabulary hijack my story. The daughter of Dominican immigrants, Méndez fought for independence against her overly-protective parents, obtaining a full scholarship to college, a dream job after school and a masters degree shortly thereafter. But the fulltime job with medical insurance doesn t satisfy her urge to write and perform, so she leaves it in search of creative fulfillment. In this stirring collection of personal essays and poetry, Méndez shares her story, writing about encounters with the medical establishment, experiences as an Afro Latina and longing for the life she expected but that eludes her.