Props

For our first edition of heroes of rock we shall honor the work of Blackie Lawless, the metal god who fronted the infamous WASP. Known for their disgusting stage antics and crushing metal sounds, WASP was a truly, truly great hair metal band. From torturing women on stage, to throwing raw meat into the crowd, Blackie was a true rocker. However, he went beyond the call of standard rock god duty; Blackie sacrificed the one thing that many rockers could never sacrifice. No, I am not talking about reverb. Blackie, my friends, sacrificed the ability to rock groupie poontang after the show. The image of the hordes of women dressed in cut-off acid-washed jean shorts and revealing tube tops, ready and willing to do anything to “meet the band,” is enough for most skinny and slightly nerdy men to pick up and learn to wield the power of the guitar. Blackie, however, was so committed to the music that he was willing to forgo this fringe benefit by sacrificing his crotch for rock. He decided to take the stage show up a notch, and had pyrotechnics installed into his spiked leather codpiece. During the show, he had the ability to shoot flames from his groin. Unfortunately, this true showman’s man meat would be roasted like a juicy steak on a grill as a result of the fireworks exploding from the area housing Blackie’s family jewels. In fact, his slightly grilled genitals would require icing down after the show.

So while his band mates and fellow metal peers would be banging groupies in the back of the bus, Blackie would be attending to his slightly singed nuts. Lawless gave up what many rockers would never give up; ask Fred Durst to give up the ability to have sex with multiple young women or retire, and he would probably go back to working at the Dairy Queen in whatever redneck town from which he came. Even classic rock bands like Kiss, Led Zeppelin, and the Starland Vocal Band would not exist without the promise of sweet ,sweet groupie snatch.

Blackie Lawless was willing to put his package on the line in the name of metal and rock, and for this, we salute him. Emory senior Alec Young has this to say- “Whenever I feel like I have too much work, I think of Blackie’s crotch being nicely charbroiled like a chicken sandwich, and I say if he could do that for metal, I can finish my stupid paper for some stupid class.” I agree. For his commitment to music we make Blackie a “HERO OF ROCK!”