GOING THE DISTANCE AS A COUPLE: An Intimate Discussion

BY RESIDENT AMANDA STOERMER THIS FEATURE SPONSORED BY SOUTH RIDING PEDIATRICS

Two months ago I shared an intimate discussion on mental health and teenagers with a local Aldie resident and dedicated Stroll Willowsford sponsor, Ashley Rushing. Ashley is a licensed professional counselor and owner of Evolve: A Behavioral Health Center, who works in mental health and couples counseling. I am a current high school teacher in my 27th year of education, a volunteer with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), and I am passionate about mental health.

This month, Ashley and I wanted to share a discussion on couples and mental health. We know that when we go through significant life changes or stressors, it can impact our relationships. Couples may start to argue more, have less positive interactions, and even experience a lack of intimacy. Some couples may even turn to substances to cope. It’s essential to seek counseling to navigate these shifts and process how they’re affecting the relationship. It’s always helpful to hear an unbiased perspective on how to handle these stressors as they impact the couple as a whole.

This past April, my husband Lee and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary. Our friends asked us what it was like to be together longer than we have been apart. It’s been a journey filled with love, respect, children, happiness, child loss, hard work and growth. We learned to manage our schedules with Lee’s career as a firefighter and mine as a school teacher and made time as a couple and a family. As I reflected on our marriage, I realized that there is so much more than just love. Let’s be honest, during the early stages of dating and marriage, we trusted The Beatles that “All we need is love, but know that there’s much more than that. In our case, God has been the center of our marriage success!

Traci Pasqualone and I discussed that there are many Willowsford residents who could share their personal tips to help other couples. I enjoyed interviewing resident couples about their marriages and am thankful for allowing me to share their stories. It was amazing to listen to different advice they shared and no matter how different their marriages are, there were some common factors that have allowed them to have successful marriages. Hopefully, these messages of true love encourage our younger couples. Here are their stories:

Hi Garry and Karen, I hope you’re both healthy and in good spirits. I personally know that you both are such an amazing couple and wanted to ask that you share some tips for our younger couples.

How long have you been married?

We are actually celebrating our 7 year wedding anniversary today! (6/24/2016)

I understand you are a blended family, how have you made your marriage work for you as a couple, as well as for your children?

I started dating Garry 6 years after my children’s father, Gene, and I divorced. Right from the very beginning of our separation, Gene and I promised to work together and provide the kids some semblance of a family as we both experienced nasty divorces growing up as children. So when we separated, rather than using lawyers, we worked together to divide all the assets and agreed on 5050 custody of the children. We celebrated all Christmas’, Thanksgivings and birthdays etc as a family to minimize the pain and loss our children felt by our divorce. When their stepmom and Garry came into our lives, they were accepted as part of our family. We all parented together and celebrated occasions together. To this day, we are all friends as we worked hard together to raise our now adult children.

So you ask how were we able to do this?

With much patience, acceptance and letting go of the pain and resentment we felt toward one another—by putting the children first. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always easy, but by giving our kids the best possible version of ourselves, we were able to put our children’s needs above our own. It has paid off!

What do you feel is the secret to making a marriage work for a lifetime?

First off we believe that marriage is a journey. It is ever-changing just as we are as individuals. You either grow and change together or you fight it and grow part. It’s about compromise and balance.

It’s important to keep your individuality, while also blending as one. Finally, it’s important to be friends who are kind and respectful of one another. Oh and LAUGH A LOT! Remember to laugh and smile. It could melt away a lot of the nasty stuff that pops up in every relationship.

What are ways in which you spend quality time together?

We have worked hard to create a home that we consider to be our oasis. We have spaces in our home each can go to when we need time alone, but many areas of our home where we get to enjoy each other’s company. Whether it’s sitting on our back porch listening to the birds sing or watching the hummingbirds feed, or playing pool and watching a movie in our new media room, we always find time to enjoy each other’s company. We find ways to fill each other’s proverbial love tank by spending quality time doing the things we love together.

Are there traditions that you had to combine into your blended family?

As mentioned above, both parental units have shared special occasions as one big family unit, while also creating our own individual family traditions like going on vacations separate from my ex husband and his wife. When the kids were with us, we created many memories apart from their dad and stepmom.

What has been the most challenging time during your relationship and what did you learn about each other?

The most challenging time was the very beginning of the marriage. Learning how to live together when you are older and set in your ways requires patience and compromise. So there were growing pains the first couple of years. We actually didn’t think we would make it together. On our first anniversary we had a very difficult conversation about whether or not getting married was a mistake. We are both good people, but perhaps too different to make it work. We decided that our marriage was (is) worth fighting for, so we put in the hard work of compromising, forgiving, listening, validating, and balancing. As we celebrate our 7 year anniversary today, we are so thankful we never gave up. Marriage is definitely hard. But when you work together, you build a strong foundation that can survive even the hardest trials and tribulations.

What marriage advice do you have for younger couples?

First I would say, really know and love yourself. Don’t expect your partner to fulfill your every need because they will fall short—you have to be able to love and fulfill yourself and everything else is gravy. We all have baggage from our past to carry. The key is to help each other carry that baggage without resentment and judgement.

Secondly, listen to your partner and validate your partner’s feelings. As difficult as it may be to do this at times, I believe it’s essential in keeping the positive connections in tact.

Lastly, forgiveness and letting go of the little things is crucial. We are not perfect as individuals and there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. We are perfectly imperfect. Accept this, and forgive each other when it warrants, and you are on your way to achieving a peaceful, and loving marriage.

Hi Brendan and Lynn, I hope you’re both healthy and in good spirits. I am interviewing Willowsford residents to celebrate National Couples Day in August. I personally know that you both are such an amazing couple and wanted to ask that you share some tips for our younger couples.

Tell me what you both do for work.

Brendan is a senior data engineering manager and Lynn is a prosthodontist (dentist with specialty training in prosthodontics).

How long have you been married?

We’ve been together for ten years, and married for six years.

What do you feel is the secret to making a marriage work for a lifetime?

We feel communication is key, as well as compromise and patience.

How do you successfully balance work/home life?

We try to get as many household errands completed on the weekdays, so that our weekends can be spent with our family with minimal interruptions or external obligations. It allows us to be fully present with each other and our kids on the weekends.

Please let us in on how you spend quality time together. As working parents with two young kids, we try to carve out as much quality time for each other, even if it doesn’t involve big plans or grand gestures. We try to dedicate time together after the kids go to bed, even if it just means doing the dishes together, playing a game together, or watching a movie together.

Are there traditions from your family of origin that you bring into your marriage?

Lynn’s family is originally from Thailand, so we eat a lot of Thai food in our house. We also try to incorporate Thai holidays and customs into our kids’ lives by visiting local Thai temples for Songkran (Thai new year), where they can partake in traditional festivities. Brendan is originally from Rhode Island, so summer trips up north with Del’s Lemonade is an annual tradition in our house.

What has been the most challenging time during your relationship and what did you learn about each other?

Some of the most challenging times in our relationship have involved family death/sickness and the birth of our children. The former involved an adjustment to grief and loss, and the latter involved an immense change in routine and a new way of life (not to mention much less sleep!). Dealing with loss taught us about our capacity for support and empathy, and becoming parents taught us about our resilience, our ability to adapt, and the shared joy of parenthood.

How do you work out your differences?

To resolve our differences, we focus on communication, compromise, and remembering we’re always on the same team.

What marriage advice do you have for younger couples? Prioritize open communication, embrace your differences, support each other through the highs and lows (of which life will send you many!), and ensure you’re growing together.

Ashley, this was great advice from residents! Do you have any tips to add as a counselor?

1. Regular, conversational check-ins with your spouse or partner are a good idea to ensure both are in line with how the relationship or marriage is progressing.

2. It is ok to ask for what you want emotionally

3. Try to remember during difficult conversations that the person on the other side is your person, you choose them and they choose you... you are on the same team!