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Disclaimer: This page is intended to be facetious!!! In no way are the pieces contained therin meant to convey any factual information!!!!

The Pioneer Issue 9 Apr. 8, 2010 Page 12


This season, MTV brings you the true story of four strangers, hired to work in a dining hall together and serve food . . . to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

: Prentiss

The Pio introduces you to this season’s cast! Stay tuned to see what happens . . .

Bon Appétit student

n g employees turi

writers: F e a Harry Fulop, Michaela Gianotti andguest Anonymous

Food handler’s test

Hey gang! We present to you the official Washington State Food Handler’s Test, taken by actual food handlers across the state. If you have time, we suggest you try it out and find out your “food IQ.” Be warned, this quiz is notoriously difficult, as it should be to ensure the highest possible standards for safety and disease prevention. It should come as a comfort that every single person who touches your food must pass this rigorous qualification exam! 1.) Which one of these can you eat? a c Both of the above


2.) How often should you wash your hands? a Always b After preparing meals c After petting a dog d Before petting a dog e Never 3.) Which of these is the appropriate response to a student who asks for five slices of pizza at a time? a “I’m sorry, our policy is to serve only two pieces at a time. If you want more than that, take two now and come back again for seconds. Thank you for understanding.” b “I will cut your face.” 4.) When is it appropriate to serve raw meat? a Never b If you really think it will bring out that extra zest in the marinara c Revenge

5.) Cleanliness: Godliness as ______:______ a Bon Appétit: A five-star restaurant b Puppies: Kittens c Ross: Rachel Spoon: Fork d 6.) A train leaves New Jersey heading east at 120 miles an hour. Another train leaves Ohio heading west at 340 miles an hour. The first train must make six stops on its cross country trip, and the second train makes nine. Will any of the passengers on either train get hungry enough to buy the “gut bomb” burrito available in the dining area? Show your work using quotes from the text.

Student nicknames as deemed by student Bon Appétit employees: • • • • • • • • •

“Meat” girl “The twins” “Frisbee as a plate” boy “Only ever points at the food that he wants” boy “Five minutes to decide between a yam or a sweet potato” girl “Come on, there’s no way I can finish that” boy “‘Oh, my god, hey! You’re in my math class, right? I’m so bad at Calculus which is weird because I took it in high school’” girl “Five pieces of semi-charred bacon, with only a little bit of fat, extra crispy and only ones from the bottom of the pan” boy “Usually drunk” bros

Hey kids! Have you ever asked the question: “Hey! No. 2 pencils? What about all the other numbers?!” Did your friends just stare and snicker at you? Do you even have any friends? Well, kid, turn your life around today at the

Numbers 1 to Infinity (Except for 2) Pencil Store! Documents from RL Stine’s divorce proceedings From the offices of Randal Flintock, lawyer to Clarissa Stine

March Mr. Stine, It is my duty to inform you of your wife’s request for a formal divorce. As you know, she has recently moved out of the house, taking the two children with her. She wishes you to vacate the premises so she can move back into the house. Grounds for divorce include “spooky” behavior, an obsession with the “creepy” and a predilection towards “fright-tastic” pranks, events and excursions. We kindly ask you to cease all potential spooky, creepy or fright-tastic behavior for the duration of these proceedings. Thank you. My client and I hope that you both can come to an understanding. Dear Mr. Flintock, Oh my good nothing more thanness! I would love house but it appe to move out of the Haunted by ghostars to be haunted. bottle of whisky (sps! I left an entire the counter at 7 p.mooky whisky!) on when I woke up thi . last night, and the suits in my clo s morning, all of fire and the bottle set had been set on ty. A spooky mysteof whisky was empI know no one will ry, to say the least! staying behind to believe me, so I’m did this so that Clfind the ghosts who can live in an unhaarissa and the kids we all get back togunted house when ether as a family. Spooky ghosts!

A baby rabbit with single poison dart in its neck


Mr. Stine, My client wishes that she has taken to inform you evicting you from legal recourse in The deed is in hethe family home. and she has mader family’s name, ments. Legally, M all of the paynot a leg to standr. Stine, you have cerned about any on. We are contivity you may havesupernatural acliving alone these perceived while but my client wi past few weeks, with her initial plashes to continue the premises by 4 ns. Please vacate afternoon, or prep p.m. tomorrow are to face the consequences. tock, Dear Mr. Flin me very sad (sadder It makes st of the olf on the fir than a werew my spooky wife has month!) that ke such a strong legal decided to taards my residence in position tow ted) home. I’m afraid y hello to our (still haun t be safe! Sa it might nome! I am concerned for my kids for I have reason to believe their safety. ho Clarissa has been that Kyle, we last week now, may be seeing for th loquist dummy! Please an evil ventri maybe a lawyer about tell them andthey can come back to this so that and fight these ghosts live with meppy family. like a big ha

Ke$ha asking you repeatedly if she can come to your party

e, es to Mr. Stinur wife wish for w o Yo sh the you to remind ourt date on nore c ig r u u o o y y and hould 21st. S dge’s wishes judgju id vo the e to a iolacontinu r your clear v will u ment fof the law, yo , any tions o risoned. Also s my be imp made toward ount threats fiancé will c client’s C felonies. as class

Mr. Flintock, e some Wow! My wife must have madrs living kind of deal with the monste would inside of my former house thatgs! She try to make me do evil thin nth is a knows that the 21st of this mo ng the full moon, and I will be spendi ly wereday preparing for my month me that s eve beli one No ch. sear f wol n you there are werewolves, but sooregards h Wit h! trut the will all know children to “Kyle” all I did was tell my sure if that the only way to know for an evil your mom’s new betrothed is t it on ventriloquist dummy is to ligh , creepy fire! This is a fact! A spooky fact! Yours creepily, RL

Tired of hanging out on the periphery of the playground, constantly getting drenched by the water fountain run off? Sketch your own Playskool © playground with the No. 17 pencil. Buy the No. 4 pencil if you want to be best friends with Harry Potter! Draw Hogwarts on a piece of paper and in just moments you’ll be there! Spring allergies acting up? Even in the winter? Even in your bubble? Erase your allergy triggers with the No. 22 pencil. New shipment of the hot new No. 64 pencils that turn the stuffed animals you play “Magic: The Gathering” with into real live animals with just a touch of the pencil!* If you want to be rubber and want your P.E. teacher to be glue, and for all the insults to bounce off of you and stick to him, then buy a No. 1 pencil. Do you wish your parents loved you? We’re sorry, there’s nothing we can do for you at this time. Buy the No. 32 pencil to erase the food, hair and gum stuck in your headgear. Patent Pending: Numbers 1 to Infinity, (Except for 2) Pencil Store will soon release a pencil to erase headgear altogether! If you want a girlfriend, draw a cupid with your No. 11 pencil. All arrows shot by the cupid are final. *Pencil No. 64 does not guarantee that live animals will be capable of playing Magic with you. NUMBERS 1 to INFINITY, except for 2 PENCIL STORE is not liable for mauling or dismemberment.

March sadness ER


Ducks with learning disabilities

Cutting yourself with your last Pokemon card

Joe Liberman’s wife

Realizing you can’t sit on a cloud Seasonal Affective Disorder

Getting cheated on for DJ Qualls

Running out of Xanax Making the jump from Twilight to meth

Freddie Prinze Jr.’s career

Dumbledore’s corpse

Droopy and Eeyore’s love child


When bullies steal your lunch money, are you just left lunchless and alone? Not anymore! Redraw your lunch money with the No. 5 Pencil.

Being “really into” Donnie Darko

Eating a Reese’s the wrong way Just now getting into Yu-Gi-Oh

Whitman Pioneer Backpage Issue 9  

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