NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS MISSING: WHITTIE
t’s been a month since the start of 2013, which means the last of everyone’s News Year’s Resolutions are in the deliberate process of being “forgotten”—along with “Tebowing”, Pinterest and unnecessarily screaming “YOLO!” when doing non-life threatening activities like jaywalking across the street. Like some of you, I was stupid enough to throw all my eggs in the Mayan Apocalypse basket, and thus thought that my far-fetched New Year’s resolutions would be inconsequential. As punishment for my naive and ignorant acceptance of a nonexistent apocalypse, I have decided to try and do something that no one has dared to try before—actually attempt to follow through with my resolutions. That being said, here is a painfully and embarrassingly honest update on my progress (or lack thereof): 1) Resolution: To resist the urge to push any of the over-eager girls whose main ew year’s resolution goals were to lose an unrealistic amount of weight by going to the gym every day for the rest of their lives. Progress: Fortunately, I was able to follow through with this tempting resolution because every one of the over-eager girls dropped their gym resolution within the first week, making it impossible for
Gender: a spectrum Race: Caucasian DOB: 06/24/94 Age Now: LEGAL Missing From: Olin Hall Height: 5’6’’ Weight: 130 lbs Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown; medium length
me to not complete my resolution. 2) Resolution: To resist the urge to say “Ooh, that feels nice” every time a TSA agent pats me down at the airport. Progress: So far, so good. Mostly because I have yet to go to an airport this year. Although I will admit that I made one slipup by using the same phrase when I was being fitted for my suit. 3) Resolution: Start working on plan to get famous. (Sleeping with John Mayer, dating Kim Kardashian or auditioning for American Idol only so you can call Nicki Minaj a “Boob-alicious Hoe” is cheating and doesn’t count.) Progress: This one is prov-
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ing to be harder than I thought. I was planning on sabotaging a famous athlete by impersonating a made up, online girlfriend, but I guess someone beat me to it. 4) Resolution: To not fall asleep in all my classes. Progress: To avoid conflict I stumbled upon the ingenious idea to sleep in my own room during class time so as not to disrupt my professor, classmates, or my resolution. 5) Resolution: To forget my Netflix account password. Progress: I’m already on the 4th season of “How I Met Your Mother,” and have finished both “Friday Night Lights” and “Lie To Me” since the semester began.
Which Campus Building Are You? D. Watching football.
3. Out of the following, which is your favorite comedy show? ILLUSTRATION BY HAMPTON
1. What type of outerwear do you wear most frequently in the winter? A. Patagonia soft fleece B. An olive peacoat C. A down jacket D. A Whitman hoodie 2. Which activity do your Sundays dominately consist of? A. Birdwatching B. Debate prep C. Planning upcoming events
A. “The Planet’s Funniest Animals” B. Katt Williams C. “Louie” D. George Lopez 4. Where can you be found on a typical Friday early evening? A. Ultimate Frisbee B. Sitting around chatting and analyzing movies C. Attending a lecture from a visiting speaker D. Watching basketball ADVERTISEMENT
Mostly A’s: The Hall of Science You have a passion for natural history. You don’t mind trekking through mud to discover anything from earthworms to pea plants. An adventurer at heart, you, like the North Face slogan, never stop exploring. Mostly B’s: Hunter Conservatory You are governed by your dominant artistic side and tend to enjoy the fine arts of poetry, film and public speaking. Mostly C’s: Reid Campus Center You live a somewhat mainstream lifestyle, but it is nevertheless fun and exciting. A social butterfly, you know people from every niche, at least until senior year. Mostly D’s: Sherwood You have a passion for sports that is unrivaled by 83 percent of the campus. If you aren’t out playing a game, you definitely are watching one, or playing video games such as NBA 2k11.
first-year student went missing on Thursday. Security compiled a report as follows: The student (of unspecified gender) was last seen at 11 a.m. wandering Olin Hall. Friends of the student say that they had a class in Olin East. The student was last seen wearing a blue V-neck shirt, a blue North Face jacket, a gray knit hat, jeans and brown wool socks with Birkenstocks. The student was also carrying a Jansport backpack with a Klean Kanteen and climbing shoes. More specific information about the student to aid in their recovery includes: A love of the outdoors, climbing, slack-lining, doing yoga, playing guitar, riding bicycles, going to the wheat fields, thrift shopping at Goodwill, eating at the Patisserie and Graze, traveling to foreign countries and doing “service work,” and eating brunch. They think Transformations, or Encounters, or Core, or whatever they call it now is “cool in theory.” This student claims that they do not read Whitman Encounters. This student identifies as a “generous 3” on the Kinsey Scale, has liberal political views, finds themself dissatisfied with the current government and does
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not see any issues with socialism. They love the song “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and also all a cappella interpretations. They love a cappella. It is likely the student left early for a weekend trip to Portland, Seattle or Mt. Hood, but these rumors are unconfirmed. Some reports have indicated that this student is only one of many who have seemingly disappeared in the pursuit of Olin East. Conspiracy theories abound, suggesting the presence of a black hole or Bermuda Triangle area in the wind tunnel. If you have any information concerning this student’s disappearance, please contact security immediately.
Whitman basketball player “really scared” after hearing about supernovas in astronomy class
very basketball player knows a thing or two about “off days”—those days when, for some reason, the shots just can’t find the bottom of the net. Some attribute their atypically poor performances to nervousness before a big game, while others are affected by injury, fatigue or personal problems off the court. The problem affecting the play of Whitman Missionary Bryan Galkey is potentially much larger and more dangerous than any of these explanations. The senior basketball player, when asked about a serious, sharp decline in his offensive output, cited a rare stellar phenomenon involving the explosion of a star which becomes a short-lived, gamma-ray-emitting object with a maximum intrinsic luminosity nearly one billion times as great as that of the sun. “Professor Dobson was talking about the life cycles of stars. Then she said something about how really big stars go ‘kabloomy!’ and get really big and really bright for a little while. I got really scared,” Galkey said. After reading more about the re-ignition of nuclear fusion in degenerate stars and the collapsing of the star’s core, Galkey discovered that supernovas occur in the Milky Way Galaxy roughly three times every century. “I’ve been at Whitman for a long time now, and we haven’t had one since I’ve been here,” he reported. The phenomenon of the su-
pernova, believed to be the cause of the Ordovician-Silurian Extinction some 450 million years ago, has clearly hindered Galkey’s offensive play. The normally rough, tough and physical Galkey has missed his last ninety-seven shots from the field, a sharp decline from what had previously been a stellar season for him. “Now that I’ve become an expert on supernovas, basketball just seems so trivial to me. I just don’t feel like finishing ferociously at the rim anymore. I mean, that ball could just explode any time and we’re all doomed,” he said, alluding to a curious incident in which he mistook the basketball for a white dwarf star while attempting to shoot a free throw. Other members of the Missionary basketball team have started to wonder if Galkey is, in fact, being very reasonable in his fear of gamma ray bursts resulting from runaway thermonuclear explosion. The team’s leading scorer, Brent Iceheart, arrived at an alarming conclusion which has, justifiably, inspired mortal fear in several of his teammates. “I just realized this, but isn’t the sun a star, too? And if the sun is a star, it can go ‘bang’ too, right? As a team, we need to focus on this problem and look for the oscillations in the fabric of spacetime which correspond to star death,” said Iceheart, also noting that the Missionaries, like other basketball teams in the biosphere, draw their energy from the sun.
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
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Published on Jan 30, 2013