PICKING MY BATTLES

Negotiating with my threeyear-old has become my side hustle these days.

It is a constant uphill battle that leaves me feeling like I left the house in a pair of flimsy sandals when I should have donned a sturdy pair of combat boots. It’s uncomfortable. It’s exhausting. It’s relentless.

But it is also rewarding—especially in those moments of sheer victory that suggest that I have mastered this parenting gig. The moments where my little guy listens to what I have to say and makes a good decision. It’s a fantastic feeling, and everyone is happier for it.

However, there are also moments where nothing I choose to do seems to work. There are tears (from both of us), and I end up feeling like a total failure as a parent.

Why can’t I do this? I wonder. Why won’t he listen to me? Why is nothing I’m doing working?

It certainly doesn’t help when my husband can get our boy to do the exact same thing with what seems like such ease. And as much as I don’t want to resent that, it’s sometimes hard not to.

Now, I have heard that children often behave worse for their mother. And it’s been said that for a lot of young children, their mom is their safe place—the person they feel most comfortable going to in order to let out all of their bottled-up emotions. I do get that (I do!). And I try to remind myself of this whenever I see an immediate shift in behaviour when I walk into a room.

However, I also have to remind myself that, despite this, it is still my responsibility (shared with Dad) to make sure that we are raising a good human being— someone with kindness, manners and empathy; someone who is independent, strong and able to cope when things don’t go their way.

I also know that my little guy is still very young. He doesn’t have the capacity to fully understand how to handle his intense emotions in a healthy and safe way. He needs me to teach him that, which is why I know that a lot of those difficult moments are probably made worse if I can’t keep my own emotions in check.

It’s in those moments that I am learning and trying my best to take a step back, to breathe and to change my tactics when something I’m doing clearly isn’t working. It doesn’t make me a bad parent if something goes wrong … but, as the adult in the relationship, I have to lead by example and adapt to the ever-changing environment that having a toddler in the house presents.

I also have to learn how and when to pick my battles and to just let some of the small stuff go. After all, for the majority of time, my son acts the part of an angel. He’s sweet, funny and oh so caring. Sure, he needs reminding sometimes, but, overall, he continues to show what a good heart he has. There will always be difficult times. And all parents want to be able to navigate those times in the most-efficient way that also allows for the parentchild connection to remain strong. Respect is key. After all, how can I expect him to learn how to respect me if I don’t respect him? I need to model it for him. Which is why negotiating has become such an important part of our family life. My son is craving a sense of independence and control. He wants to make his own decisions and it’s my job to provide a set of options that still maintain the necessary boundaries.

For example, brushing his teeth and getting dressed for school are must do’s, but maybe the order that we do them in can be up to him. Or, making a deal with him to try and use the potty after one more episode of Bluey. It allows him to be involved in the decision making, without controlling the whole situation. My favourite part of negotiating with my toddler is watching how he is beginning to use bartering at such a young age, and the fact that he won’t be able to get away with that for very much longer. doesn’t quite have a knack for it, yet, has worked to my advantage at times. Like the time I asked him if he wanted 20 or 30 seconds more before it was time to drain the tub. “Twenty,” he exclaimed, and he looked so proud when I accepted his choice. We have been working on bigger and smaller numbers, these days, so I know I

I also enjoy how his response to my saying “No” to something always seems to result in an “I’ll just have one,” with his index finger held up for emphasis. This kid definitely keeps me on my toes, that’s for sure.

Negotiation is a big part of having a toddler. And while it is still important to keep boundaries in place and not allow them to have their way all the time (after all, that’s just not how life works), being able to give him a sense of ownership in decisions is going a long way in helping to avoid the inevitable meltdowns that come with being a young child.

It also helps to avoid turning every disagreement into a battle of wills, which is, honestly, a winwin on all sides. I’m sure most parents would agree. ■