Journeys with Tasting Change, Sam's Story

JOURNEYS WITH TASTING CHANGE

SAM'S STORY Case Study Kirsty Frankland & Zoe Russell

Journeys with Tasting Change is a series of case studies charting the progress of individuals who have been involved in the project for a significant period of time. The case studies seek to document each individual's journey through the project and aim to highlight, from the participants perspective, how Tasting Change has impacted on their lives.

TASTING CHANGE A multi-agency partnership project Supported by the European Social Fund and the Scottish Government, Tasting Change is a multiagency partnership project set up to tackle issues of food insecurity in Wester Hailes.

The five main organisations involved in this innovative cross-sector partnership include Prospect Community Housing, The Health Agency, Chai, WHALE Arts and SCOREscotland.

Each organisation has taken a different approach to address the issue of food insecurity. Taking the view that food insecurity is a problem that extends well beyond nutrition and as such, a combined effort on multiple fronts is more likely to result in sustainable solutions.

“Tasting Change aims to develop and deliver community-led solutions to food insecurity that strengthen community connections with an emphasis on dignity and sustainability.”

Prospect Community Housing

“If it wasn't for Linda, my therapist, I wouldn't have come.”

PART ONE Sams's involvement with the Project Sam was referred to Tasting Change by her therapist at the Health Agency. She started volunteering at the Garden Kitchen and later with the Food Co-op, also based at the Health Agency.

Sam found out about Let's Create (formerly know as play with your food) through her involvement with Stitching Time, a sewing group based at WHALE Arts. Again with encouragement from her therapist, she joined the Let's Create group in March 2018.

Sam also started volunteering at various Tasting Change events. She continued to volunteer both at the Garden Kitchen and the Food Co-op until June when she stepped down from the Garden Kitchen to focus more of her efforts on the Food Co-op.

She later stepped down from the Food Co-op at a point when she felt she had taken on too much. She did, however, continue to volunteer at Tasting Change events for the duration of the project.

Volunteering with Tasting Change has given Sam opportunities to learn about cooking, healthy eating, seasonal produce and how to purchase fresh food at a lower cost. She has gained experience in preparing ingredients, making soup and serving customers. She also contributed to the Good Food Nation Kitchen Table Talk.

“When I was younger I never even knew what a healthy meal was, I’m learning wee tips from Stacey.”

PART TWO A little bit about Sam Sam who is 36 years old has lived all her life in Wester Hailes. She grew up with her mother, father and one sister. Sam was very close to her granny who she described as being like a second mum and she has a great relationship with her dad who is a key support figure in her life. Growing up Sam was really close to her sister until recently describing her as her main support system. Their relationship changed when her sister got together with a new partner and moved away from Wester Hailes.

Sam has been together with her own partner for 19 years who she describes as her rock, admitting that without him she would be lost.

Sam has a very difficult relationship with her mother who is an alcoholic and drunk heavily when she was pregnant. Sam suffers from arthritis, chronic pain and carpal tunnel syndrome which she attributes to her mother's abuse of alcohol during pregnancy.

When Sam was 13 she was raped. Sam was alone in the house, while her mother was in the pub. She opened the door to a family friend who then assaulted her.

Since this traumatic incident, Sam has suffered from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and an eating disorder.

Sam suffered further trauma at the age of 17 when she lost a baby girl very close to the end of her pregnancy. Her mother who accompanied her to the hospital was drunk and abusive at the time, further compounding the difficulties in their relationship.

Sam left school with no qualifications and dipped in and out of college until her mental health issues made it impossible for her to attend. Sam volunteered with the Thistle Foundation and while she enjoyed the work found the journey there traumatic and had to stop when her panic attacks became too severe to continue.

PART THREE Sam's Journey

Sam had been attending the Let's Create group (formerly known as Play with your Food), for two and a half months before I joined the project. At the time there were two ladies in the group, Sam and Jackie.

My first impression of Sam was of a bright, vivacious and animated young woman. She was kind, welcoming and incredibly helpful, confidently showing me where everything was and talking about the group.

Sam opened up about her personal issues very quickly, explaining about her eating disorder and how she will not eat in front of other people. She said it was important for her to tell me in person, so as to avoid being put on the spot if I were to question this later.

In the first session, we talked about how Sam and Jackie would like to structure the group and what sort of creative activities they were interested to explore.

Sam said she was not really interested in the food element group, due to her eating disorder but did understand that this was important to others. Sam was happy to sit around the table while others ate and would take a portion to eat later at home.

Like Jackie Sam really liked being involved in the decision-making process. She said that she doesn’t like being told what to do and having an input helps her feel more in control, which, in turn, has a positive impact on her mental well being.

“I love being asked. It gets your ideas going.”

In the first few sessions, we explored a range of simple activities including coffee painting, which was one of Sam's suggestions, and gardening, which S was particularly enthusiastic about as it reminded her of happy times as a child helping her grandmother in the garden.

"Gardening takes me back to my Granny - it talks most to my heart."

Sam's love and talent for patterns became apparent early on. In a session decorating ceramic plates and bowls Sam painstakingly painted a series of tiny coloured dots creating a fabulous design. The highly detailed and controlled nature of her work was reflected in her bullet journal, a visual diary that she kept and regularly brought to sessions.

While Sam was very open in the sessions and talked freely with Jackie, she would often come in early or stay behind to talk to me privately about issues in her life and her struggles with food. She said she felt unable to talk about this with others at this stage.

The reasons for this became clear in a later session when, after bursting into tears, Sam expressed her fear that other group members would judge her which inhibited her from talking about certain issues in front of the group.

Despite outwardly presenting as confident, highly capable and in control, it soon became clear that inwardly Sam was experiencing great emotional distress and was struggling to cope.

Sam, who regularly attended sessions with her Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and with whom she had developed a good relationship, had recently been referred to an EFT therapist.

“It was really daunting coming to the first session, I didn't know what I was coming to. I was so anxious I couldn't stop talking.�

Sam who was now attending two therapy sessions each week, felt pressure from the EFT therapist to confront traumatic issues from her past and to look more closely at the challenging relationship she has with her mother.

Sam felt deeply uncomfortable exploring these issues with the new therapist who she had only known for a couple of weeks. At the time she felt obliged to continue and was fearful her benefits might be affected if she did not.

I felt it important to ensure that the group became a safe space where Sam and the others felt able to bring their issues if they wished; confident that they would not be judged and that they would receive support both from me and the group as a whole.

In the session when Sam disclosed these issues, we were working on abstract painting. Sam began drawing a rope pattern, a design she had been working on at home, saying she didn't usually like paint as it was messy and hard to control.

Sam did decide to give it a try and took her work outside, where she sat quietly in the sunshine painting by herself. Later Jackie went to join her.

Sam became interested in Jackie's work and Jackie, who was far more comfortable with a fluid and less controlled way of working, encouraged Sam to explore some different techniques.

Before long the two ladies were working on an image together and by the end of the session with much laughter and camaraderie, they had created a number of joint pieces. Sam later reflected that this had been one of her favourite sessions.

“I really love the fact that you just left us to it.�

Over the next few weeks, Sam's anxiety and stress levels seemed to increase. She said that she was barely sleeping and appeared withdrawn, rundown and exhausted.

After talking things over with her CBT therapist, Sam decided to stop EFT. In her next session with Let's Create Sam appeared noticeably relaxed and even tried a tiny spoonful of soup in front of the group.

Over the summer we worked outside, doing tiedye, shibori and mosaics with the shells and stones we had collected on a trip to the beach, We also went on a trip to the Paddle Cafe, which was run by Sam's uncle.

Despite Sam's fear of butterflies and bugs and her anxieties of being around strangers, Sam thrived in the outdoor environment and embraced each new activity wholeheartedly.

She particularly loved the tie-dye activity due to the patterns she was able to create. She explained that with drawing she usually copied everything but working with tie-dye she was able to create something that was uniquely her own.

When we worked in the garden at Whale Arts, we cooked over a campfire. Even though she claimed she could not cook, Sam took charge of the fire and made food for everyone. This seemed to give her a great confidence boost and I noticed her nibbling the odd bit of food, apparently unphased by the others around her.

On the trip to Paddle Cafe Sam Told us how she felt comfortable and safe with her uncle. She ordered a bacon role sat down with the group and ate. This was the first time she had shared a meal with the group.

“With tie-dye you get to put your own magic in it.”

Sam enjoyed working outside and the trip to the beach was definitely a highlight but there was no doubt that she was looking forward to moving back inside and returning to the usual routine.

Tragically Sam suffered a miscarriage the following week. Despite this, she came to the group and after explaining to me privately what had happened, she insisted that being here would help her keep her mind off things.

Sam did not tell the others but they seemed to pick up on her mood and responded calmly and kindly towards her. She later confided in Jackie after the session.

In the group, she continued to work on her mosaic, a carefully ordered pattern of shells which she had collected at the beach. She mixed blue paint with the grout and was delighted with the result. She said she thoroughly enjoyed the session and was going to hang her mosaic on her bathroom wall at home.

“Top of my list was the beach because I've not been to the beach in 20 years.”

“I especially love the outdoor stuff, because of my anxiety I don't get outside much.”

About the trip to the beach: “It was great just to be out for the day, no cares in the world, time flew.”

And about her mosaic: “You know me, I love my patterns.”

Around this time Sam told the group she was thinking of going back to college. She was not quite sure what she wanted to study but had been looking at courses with the open university.

She expressed an interested in mental health, having considerable experience of this herself but had some concerns about funding and whether she'd be able to cope.

It was encouraging that Sam's confidence had increased enough for her to start considering future steps, however, her anxiety seemed to increase as we talked over her ideas in more detail.

I suggested she talk to Sha from CHAI to discuss the issues of funding and I mentioned the organisation Penumbra, which has volunteering opportunities as peer to peer support workers.

Sam was keen to find out about volunteering that might help to build up her experience.

This was an emotionally charged session for Sam but she arrived with a clear plan in mind and the determination to execute it. She was cheerful in the session but did not talk in detail to the group about her project.

Sam worked well in the next few sessions and particularly enjoyed a ceramics workshop where she created a moving piece in memory of the daughter she had lost fifteen years ago.

Sam worked slowly and carefully, sometimes scrunching up her piece to start again and often questioning Jeni, the ceramic's artist, how best to join bits together, how to smooth the edges and how to remove lines or creases in the flat clay.

Despite the emotive nature of her project Sam was highly focused and appeared to gain immense satisfaction when she successfully completed her piece.

Sam had many ups and downs and would fluctuate frequently from being in a state of excitement and abundant energy to appearing tired, sad and withdrawn. The complex dynamics of her family and a difficult relationship with her mother, which she talked openly about in the group, had a pronounced effect on her mood and state of mental wellbeing.

“Tribute to my daughter.”

Sam finds change very difficult and she struggled when new members joined the group. We had two waves of new members joining us, with three ladies joining in August and another four in late September.

Sam always sat in the same spot which she liked because her back was against the wall, she could see the whole space and no one could creep up behind her.

Fearful that others would sit in her spot, she often spoke abruptly to new members stating clearly that this spot was her's. Tension inevitably arose and while Sam had no trouble defending her space when asked questions about her medication or other personal issues, Sam found it hard to answer and withdrew into herself.

In sessions where there was tension, Sam's work became more controlled.

She focused again on patterns, either revisiting old designs or taking time to plan out new ideas.

Issues with the first wave of new members resolved after I spoke with the group about boundaries, courtesy and the importance of respecting each other's right to privacy. Sam soon became friends with these ladies and her confidence in the group was restored.

When the second wave of new members joined, tensions flared up again. One of the new ladies who Sam had known outside the group, came across as being loud, aggressive and quite possessive over the materials. She frequently challenged Sam which culminated in a shouting match between the two ladies and Sam storming out of the room.

Once relative calm had been restored within the group, I spoke with Sam outside. S was in floods of tears claiming this lady had been rude to her right from the start, that she knew her and that she was an alcoholic.

Once Sam had calmed down a bit she was able to reflect that the new lady's attitude and behaviour reminded her of her mum, who is also an alcoholic, triggering a rush of emotions and leaving Sam feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

Sam did not rejoin the group in the workspace but did stay till until the end of the session choosing to help in the kitchen instead.

Despite feeling anxious about facing the woman she had fallen out with, Sam returned the next week appearing cheerful and in good spirits. She sat in her usual spot and started looking for tyles to create a new mosaic. She found a book on patterns and quickly became absorbed in it.

Sam worked on her mosaic for the next few weeks, borrowing materials and taking them home between sessions. An avid Harry Potter fan, no one was surprised when she finally shared her piece with the group but everyone congratulated her on the quality of her work.

“The only thing that's really hard is change.”

“I relate to Harry Potter because of J K Rowling and her own struggle with mental health.

For me its a way of escaping the world. I go into Hogwarts and nothing else exists.”

Sam became quite unwell in the weeks preceding her birthday. She said she always gets ill at this time of year and explained that her mother lost a baby boy the year before she was born. The anniversary of this loss fell within a few days of Sam's own birthday and always overshadowed her supposedly special day.

Sam had never had a birthday party and the group decided to make a special effort for her.

Sam's birthday fell on the following Tuesday, the day the group met, and we celebrated with cake, balloons and presents. A little overwhelmed by the attention Sam never the less enjoyed day, confiding with me later that she'd never had so much cake as the Stitching Time group had also decided to surprise her.

We panned a number of special sessions in the run up to Christmas including soap making, candle making, gingerbread houses and a trip to the Edinburgh Tool library for a woodwork session Sam engaged fully with all of the activities and was particularly excited about making gingerbread houses which she had asked about back in the summer.

She was perhaps a little too excited when it came to the baking, accidentally setting the oven on fire. No harm was done and much hilarity ensued with Sam joking loudly about being accident prone.

Assembling the gingerbread houses was a challenge and Sam's elaborate decorations, which included Harry Potter symbols, led to her house collapsing under the weight of its icing.

The fact that everyone else's gingerbread house also collapsed went some way to diffuse her initial disappointment about the collapse of her own creation.

“I loved that day, it was a bit overwhelming but it was lovely to actually be made to feel special.”

The trip to the Edinburgh Tool Library was a particular highlight for Sam who arrived for the trip bussing with excitement and joking about her partner's warnings to come back with all her fingers intact.

“I loved the gingerbread houses. I didn't expect it to work out but did love doing it.”

In the workshop, we all go to make wooden plant holders. Despite declaring that she was terrified of drills, she didn't like the noise and really didn't want to use the drill, it only took a few minutes before Sam was willing to give it a go. She was so pleased with herself that she insisted we took photos of her using the drill and help many of the other ladies when they needed to drill holes.

The highlight of pre-Christmas sessions, was Sam and the lady who she'd had issues with earlier on, agreeing to put the incident behind them and to move forward on good terms.

Sam facing her fears head on

We had a new member join the group when we started back after Christmas. Despite having struggled over the break, with her medication being changed and worrying about the results of her ESA assessment, Sam managed to contain her emotions and explained to the new lady about her spot in a light-hearted and jovial manner.

Sam found it difficult adjusting to the changed dynamic in the group and while she did engage with some of the activities, she often went back to her bullet journal and sometimes put on her headphones in an effort to shut herself off from the group.

The anniversary of her daughter's death in March caused Sam extreme distress and the knowledge that Let's Create was going to stop when the Tasting Change project finishes in April was only adding to her worries.

Sam's anxiety levels increased as did her tendency to try and distance herself from the group. She often snapped at other members and tensions arose within the group. Her close bond with Jackie seemed to falter and Sam started to withdraw into herself.

I managed to book a room so the group could meet for a coffee each week once the project had finished. I arranged to spend half an hour checking in with them until funding was sought to start the group up again.

This had a huge difference on Sam and the other member's morale and went some way to alleviate the anxiety and sense of impending doom that had pervaded the group at the time.

Instead of dwelling on the ending, Sam became determined to make the most of the last few sessions. She became heavily involved in planning the activities and coming up with ideas for a trip and a party for the final session.

The group went on a trip to the Scottish Parliament and had an outdoor session where we cooked over a campfire and did some more tiedye and shibori.

The trip to the parliament was not without its drama. One lady got very upset at another's lady's comments. Sam was a great help, playing the role of peacemaker offering comfort and support to the others.

In the outdoor session, Sam took charge of the campfire. She cooked food for everyone, making sure each had their fair share before taking some food to eat later at home.

While she did not take part in the art activity she spent a long time talking with Jackie.

“I loved the campfire and the tie dye, it took me back to when I was a girl guide, I still know how to cook on a fire.”

She opened up about the struggles she'd been having and talked about why she had distanced herself. Jackie was very understanding and the two ladies rekindled their friendship. Both stayed back long after the session had finished helping tidy up and they ended up leaving together.

PART FOUR Conclusion and final reflections

Sam has been involved with Tasting Change since the project started, at the Health Agency with the Garden Kitchen and the food Co-op, as a volunteer and as a highly valued member of Let's Create.

When speaking about what attracted her to the group she stated, the art, socialising and getting out but not the food. She feels that she has gained confidence from being a part of Let's Create and has become more tolerant.

"I don't fly off the handle like I used to."

Sam said the best thing about the group was that she felt relaxed, there was no pressure, she didn't have to take part in activities if she didn't want to and that the teacher was very understanding with her issues.

"I can open up about my past to you."

What do you value most about the group? “Time away, its like my own wee world no one can get me in here.

This is my time, I wish it was more than once a week.�

Speaking about the wider tasting change project Sam felt that it brought the community together and for her, a great benefit has been learning to cook. Sam now cooks regularly for her partner at home but joked that she was still as accident prone as ever.

"I think you (Stacey) taught me to believe in myself in the kitchen, I think when I first came in all I said was I canny cook."

Perhaps the greatest benefit for Sam is that she is now in control of her eating disorder.

"Since Tasting Change my weight is staying steady. Now its smoothe sailing."

Talking about the end of the project and the Let's Create group, Sam said she felt sad and fearful, not knowing what would happen next. she noted that coming to Let's Create is the only way she socialises now and stated that this group was part of her life

"If Kirsty leaves it will suck."

Knowing that Let's Create will be able to meet weekly for coffee and that I will be able to join them for a brief catch up each week goes some way to calm Sam's anxiety about the future. That she has rekindled her friendship with Jackie is another support moving forward.

It has been a pleasure working with Sam who has contributed so much to this project.

“I was borderline agrophobic but since coming to the groups and cooking I got over the agrophobia.

Now I'm on top of my eating disorder too.

I'm in control of it, it doesn't control me.”