Th’ Life an’ Opinions of Tristram Shan’y, Juntleman, as enny fool kin plainly see. Voloom I David Jourdan
This book is the dialectization of the unabridged text of Laurence Sterne’s The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, volume I (first published 1759) into redneck vernacular. The translation originates in early runs of Al Capp’s comic strip Li’l Abner (1934-1977). Capp’s characters speak in odd dialects. Yet, they do not talk like real hillbillies but as Capp feels a hillbilly would probably talk if he lived near Dogpatch all his life. Thanks to the Dialectizer, Samuel Stoddard’s translation engine. Corrections and additional translations based on Al Capp, Li’l Abner Dailies, Volume Two: 1936, Kitchen Sink Press, Princeton Wisconsin, 1988, and Al Capp, Li’l Abner Dailies, Volume Seven: 1941, Introducing Moonbeam McSwine, Kitchen Sink Press, Princeton Wisconsin, 1989. Design and typesetting by David Jourdan. Printed by Börsedruck, Vienna. Made possible by Bundeskanzleramt Österreich, Sektion II, Kunstangelegenheiten. Published by Westphalie Verlag Anilingasse 2/45 A-1060 Vienna www.westphalie.com
ISBN 978-3-9502302-0-8
To th’ Right Honourable Mr P IT T.
S U H, NE V A H pore Wight o’ a Dedicato’ had less hopes fum his Dedicashun, than ah’ve fum this hyar of mine; fo’ it is writ in a goo’bye co’ner o’ th’ kin’dom, an’ in a retir’d thetch’d house, whar ah lives in a cornstant indeavour t’ fence aginst th’ infirmities o’ ill health, an’ other evils o’ life, by mirth; bein’ firmly persuaded thet ev’ry time a fella smiles,—but much mo’e so, when he laughs, it adds sumpin t’this Fragment o’ Life. Ah hoombly beg, Suh, thet yo’ will honour this hyar book, by takin’ it——(not unner yer Proteckshun,——it muss proteck itse’f, but)—into th’ country wif yo’; whar, eff’n ah’s evah told, it has made yo’ smile; o’ kin cornceive it has beguiled yo’ o’ one moment’s pain——ah shall reckon mahse’f as happy as a minister o’ state;——perhaps much happier than enny one (one only ‘cepted) thet ah’ve read o’ heerd o’. Ah’s, Great Suh, (an’, whut is mo’e t’yer Honour) Ah’s, Good Suh, Yer Wal-wisher, an’ most hoomble Feller-subjeck, T H ’ A U T H O ’.
TH’
LIFE an’ OPINIONS OF
TRISTRAM SHAN’Y, Junt. AS ENNY FOOL KIN PLAINLY SEE
CHA P P . I . —A H Wishes eifer mah Pappy o’ mah Mammy, o’ indeed both o’ them, as they was in duty both equally boun’ t’it, had minded whut they was about when they begot me; had they duly cornsider’d how much depended upon whut they was then doin’;—thet not only the produckshun o’ a rashunal Bein’ was corncern’d in it, but thet postibly th’ happy fo’mashun an’ temperature o’ his hide, perhaps his junius an’ th’ mighty cast o’ his mind;—an’, fo’ aught they knowed to th’ contrary, even th’ fo’tunes o’ his whole house might take their turn fum th’ hoomours an’ disposishuns which was then uppermost:——Had they duly weighed an’ cornsidered all this, an’ proceeded acco’din’ly,——ah’s vahily persuaded ah sh’d haf made a quite diffrunt figger in th’ wo’ld, fum thet, in which th’ reader is likely t’see me.—Believe me, fine folks,
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this h’yar is not so inconsiderable a thin’ as menny o’ yo’ may reckon it;—yo’ haf all, ah dast say, heerd o’ th’ animal spirits, as how they is transfused fum Pappy t’son, &c. &c.—an’ a great deal t’thet purpose:—Wal, yo’ may take mah wo’d, thet nine parts in ten o’ a fella’s sense o’ his fiddlesticks, his successes an’ miscarriages in this wo’ld depend upon their moshuns an’ ackivity, an’ th’ diffrunt tracks an’ trains yo’ put ‘em into; so thet when they is once set a-gwine, whether right o’ wrong, ‘tis not a ha’fpenny matter,--away they hoof it clutterin’ like hey-go-mad; an’ by treadin’ th’ same steps on over an’ on over agin, they presently make a road o’ it, as plain an’ as smooth as a garden-walk, which, when they is once used to, the Devil hisse’f sometimes shall not be able to drive ‘em off it. Pray, mah dear, quoth mah mammy, have yo’ not fo’gotta wind up th’ clock?——Good G—! Fry mah hide! cried mah Pappy, makin’ an exclamashun, but takin’ care t’moderate his voice at th’ same time,——Did evah woomin, on account o’ th’ creashun o’ th’ wo’ld, interrupp a fella wif sech a silly quesshun? Pray, whut was yer Pappy sayin’?——Nothin’.
CHA P P . I I . ——Then, positively, thar is nothin’ in th’ quesshun, thet ah can see, eifer fine o’ bad, cuss it all t’tarnation.——Then lemme tell yo’, Suh, it was a mighty unseasonable quesshun at least,—on account o’ it scattered an’ dispersed th’ animal spirits, whose business it was to haf exco’ted an’ gone han’-inhan’ wif th’ HOMU N C U LUS, an’ cornducked him safe t’th’ place destined fo’ his recepshun. Th’ H O M U N C U L U S , Suh, in how-evah low an’ ludicrous a light he may appear, in this h’yar age o’ levity, t’th’ eye o’
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folly o’ prejudice;—t’th’ eye o’ reason in scientifick research, he stan’s cornfess’d—a BEING guarded an’ circumscribed wif rights:——Th’ minutess philosophers, who, by th’ goo’bye, haf the dawgonedest inlarged unnerstan’in’s, (their souls bein’ invahsely as their inquiries) shew us incontestably, Thet th’ HOMUNCULUS is created by th’ same han’,—injunder’d in th’ same course o’ nature,—indowed wif th’ same loco-motive pow’s an’ faculties wif us:——Thet he cornsists, as we does, o’ hide, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, cartileges, bones, marrow, brains, glan’s, junitals, hoomours, an’ articulashuns;——is a Bein’ o’ as much ackivity,——an’, in all senses o’ th’ wo’d, as much an’ as truly our fellercreature as mah Lo’d Chancello’ o’ Englan’.—He mebbe benefited, he mebbe injured,—he may obtain redress;—in a wo’d, he has all th’ claims an’ rights o’ hoominity, which Tully, Puffendo’ff, o’ th’ bess ethick writers aller t’arise outta thet state an’ relashun. Now, dear Suh, whut eff’n enny accident had befallen him in his way alone?——o’ thet, thro’ terro’ o’ it, natural t’so yo’ng a traveller, mah li’l juntleman had gotta his journey’s ind mizzuably spent;——his mooscular stren’th an’ virility wo’n down t’a thread;—his own animal spirits ruffled beyond descripshun,—an’ thet in this h’yar sad diso’der’d state o’ nerves, he had laid down a prey to sudden starts, o’ a series o’ melancholy dreams an’ fancies fo’ nine long, long months togither.——Ah trembles to reckon whut a foun’ashun had been laid fo’ a thousan’ weaknesses both o’ hide an’ mind, which no skill o’ th’ physician o’ th’ philosopher c’d evah af’er-wards haf set tho’oughly t’rights.
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CHAP P . I I I . T O mah uncle Mr. Toby Shan’y does I stan’ indebted fo’ th’ precedin’ anecdote, t’whom mah Pappy, who was an excellent natural philosopher, an’ much given t’close reasonin’ upon the smalless matters, had o’, an’ heavily, complain’d o’ th’ injury; but once mo’e particularly, as mah uncle Toby fine remember’d, upon his observin’ a most unaccountable obliquity, (as he call’d it) in mah manner o’ settin’ up mah top, an’ jestifyin’ th’ principles upon which I had done it,—th’ old juntleman shook his haid, an’ in a tone mo’e expressive by ha’f o’ so’row than reproach,—he said his heart all along fo’eboded, an’ he sar it vahified in this, an’ fum a thousan’ other observashuns he had made upon me, Thet ah sh’d neifer reckon no’ ack like enny other fella’s chile:——But alas! Fry mah hide! corntinued he, shakin’ his haid a second time, an’ wipin’ away a tear which was tricklin’ down his cheeks, Mah Tristram’s misfo’tunes began nine months afore evah he came into th’ wo’ld, cuss it all t’ tarnation. ——Mah Mammy, who was sittin’ by, look’d up,—but she knowed no mo’e than her backside whut mah Pappy meant,--but mah uncle, Mr. Toby Shan’y, who had been offen info’med o’ th’ affair,—unnerstood him mighty fine.
CHAP P . I V. A H Knows thar is readers in th’ wo’ld, as fine as menny other fine varmints in it, who is no readers at all,—who find themselves ill at ease, unless they is let into th’ whole secret fum fust t’last, o’ ev’ry thin’ which corncerns yo’. It is in pure compliance wif this h’yar hoomour o’ theirs, an’ fum a backwardness in mah nature t’disappoint enny one
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soul livin’, thet ah’ve been so mighty particular awready. As mah life an’ opinions is likely t’make some noise in th’ wo’ld, an’, eff’n ah conjeckure right, will take in all ranks, professhuns, an’ denominashuns o’ men whutevah,—be no less read than the Pilgrim’s Progress itse’f---an’, in th’ end, prove th’ mighty thin’ which Montaigne dreaded his essays sh’d turn out, thet is, a book fo’ a parlour-window;—ah finds it necessary t’consult ev’ry one a li’l in his turn; an’ tharfo’e muss beg pardon fo’ gwine on a li’l further in the same way: Fo’ which cuz, right glad ah’s, thet ah’ve begun th’ histo’y o’ mahse’f in th’ way ah have done; an’ thet ah’s able t’go on tracin’ ev’ry thin’ in it, as Ho’ace says, ab Ovo. Ho’ace, ah knows, does not recommend this fashion altogither: But thet juntleman is speakin’ only o’ an epic poem o’ a tragedy;—(ah fo’gits which)—besides, ef it was not so, ah sh’d beg Mr. Ho’ace’s pardon;—fo’ in writin’ whut ah have set about, ah shall cornfine mahse’f neifer to his rules, no’ t’enny fella’s rules thet evah lived, cuss it all t’ tarnation. To sech, howevah, as does not choose to go so far back into these thin’s, ah can give no better advice, than thet they skip on over th’ remainin’ part o’ this Chapper; fo’ ah declares afore han’, ‘tis wrote only fo’ th’ curious an’ inquisitive. ——————————Shet th’ dore.—————————— Ah was begot in th’ night, betwixt th’ fust Sunday an’ th’ fust Monday in th’ month o’ March, in th’ year o’ our Lo’d one thousan’ seven hundred an’ eighteen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Ah is positive ah was.—But how ah came to be so mighty particular in mah account o’ a thin’ which happened afore ah was born an’ raised, is owin’ t’t’other small anecdote known only in our own fambly, but now made public fo’ th’ better clearin’ up this point. Mah Pappy, yo’ muss know, who was origeenally a Turky merchant, but had lef’ off business fo’ some years, in o’der to retire to, an’ die upon, his paternal estate in th’ county o’
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———, was, ah believes, one o’ the dawgonedest regular min in ev’ry thin’ he did, whether ‘twas matter o’ business, o’ matter o’ amoosement, thet evah lived, cuss it all t’ tarnation. As a small specimen o’ this extreme exackness o’ his, t’which he was in truth a slave,—he had made it a rule fo’ menny years o’ his life,—on the fust Sunday night o’ ev’ry month throughout th’ whole year,—as sartin as evah th’ Sunday night came,——t’wind up a large house-clock which we had stan’in’ upon th’ back-stairs haid, wif his own han’s:—An’ bein’ somewhar between fif’y an’ sixty years o’ age, at th’ time I have been speakin’ o’,—he had likewise grajoolly brought some other li’l fambly corncernments t’th’ same period, in o’der, as he’d offen say t’mah uncle Toby, t’git ‘em all outta the way at one time, an’ be no mo’e plagued an’ pester’d wif ‘em th’ ress o’ the month. It was attended but wif one misfo’tune, which, in a great measure, fell upon mahse’f, an’ th’ effecks o’ which ah fears ah shall carry wif me t’mah grave; namely, thet, fum an unhappy associashun o’ ideas which haf no cornneckshun in nature, it so fell out at len’th, thet mah pore Mammy c’d nevah heer th’ said clock woun’ up,—but th’ thunks o’ some other thin’s unavoidably popp’d into her haid,—& vice vahsâ:—which peekoolyar combinashun o’ ideas, th’ sagacious Locke, who sartinly unnerstood th’ nature o’ these thin’s better than most men, affirms t’have prodooced mo’e wry ackshuns than all other sources o’ prejudice whutsoevah. But this h’yar by th’ goo’bye. Now it appears, by a memo’an’um in mah Pappy’s pocketbook, which now lies upon th’ table, “Thet on Lady-Day, which was on th’ 25th o’ th’ same month in which ah date mah juniture,—mah Pappy set out upon his journey t’London wif mah eldess brother Billy Bob, t’fix him at Westminster skoo;” an’, as it appears fum th’ same autho’ity, “Thet he did not git down t’his wife an’ fambly till th’ second week in May
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follerin’,”—it brin’s th’ thin’ almost t’a sartinty. Howevah, whut follers in th’ beginnin’ o’ th’ next chapper puts it beyond all postibility o’ doubt. ———But pray, Suh, Whut in tarnation was yer Pappy doin’ all December,—January, an’ February?——
CHA P P . V. ON th’ fif’h day o’ November, 1718, which t’th’ æra fixed on, was as near nine kalendar months as enny husbin c’d in reason haf specked,—was I Tristram Shan’y, Juntleman, brought fo’th into this h’yar scurvy an’ disasterous wo’ld o’ ours.—Ah wishes ah had been born an’ raised in th’ Moon, o’ in enny o’ th’ planets, (‘cept Jupiter o’ Saturn, on account o’ ah nevah c’d bar cold weather) fo’ it c’d not fine haf fared wo’se wif me in enny o’ them (tho’ ah will not answer fo’ Venus) than it has in this h’yar vile, dirty planet o’ ours,—which o’ mah cornscience, wif revahence be it spoken, ah take t’be made up o’ th’ shreds an’ clippin’s o’ th’ ress;——not but th’ planet is fine ‘nuff, provided a fella c’d be born an’ raised in it t’a great title o’ t’a great estate; o’ c’d enny how corntrive t’be called up t’publick charges, an’ employments o’ dignity o’ pow’;—but thet is not mah case;----an’ tharfo’e ev’ry fella will speak o’ th’ fair as his own market has gone in it;—fo’ which cuz ah affirms it on over agin t’be one o’ th’ vilest wo’lds thet evah was made;---fo’ ah can truly say, thet fum th’ fust hour ah drew mah breath in it, t’this, thet ah can now scarce draw it at all, fo’ an asthma ah got in scatin’ aginst th’ wind in Flan’ers;--ah has been th’ continual spo’t o’ whut th’ wo’ld calls Fo’tune; an’ though I will not wrong her by sayin’, She has evah made me feel th’ weight o’ enny great o’ signal evil;---yet wif all the fine temper in th’ wo’ld, ah
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affirms it o’ her, Thet in ev’ry stage o’ mah life, an’ at ev’ry turn an’ co’ner whar she c’d git fairly at me, th’ ungracious Duchess has pelted me wif a set o’ as pitiful misadventures an’ crost accidents as evah small H E R O sestained, cuss it all t’ tarnation.
CHA P P . VI . I N th’ beginnin’ o’ th’ last chapper, ah info’m’d yo’ exackly when ah was born an’ raised;—but ah did not info’m yo’, how. No ; thet particular was resarved intirely fo’ a chapper by itse’f;—besides, Suh, as yo’ an’ ah is in a manner puffick peekoolyarrs t’etch other, it’d not haf been right t’have let yo’ into too menny circumstances relatin’ t’mahse’f all at once.— Yo’ muss haf a li’l patience. Ah’ve unnertaken, yo’ see, t’write not only mah life, but mah opinions also; hopin’ an’ speckin’ thet yer smarts o’ mah chareecker, an’ o’ whut kind o’ a mo’tal ah’s, by th’ one,’d give yo’ a better relish fo’ t’other: As yo’ proceed further wif me, th’ slight acquaintance which is now beginnin’ betwixt us, will grow into familiarity; an’ thet, unless one o’ us is in fault, will terminate in friendship. ——O diem præclarum! Fry mah hide!——then nothin’ which has touched me will be thunk triflin’ in its nature, o’ tedious in its tellyng, accordin’ t’ th’ code o’ th’ hills! Tharfo’e, mah dear friend an’ companion, eff’n yo’ sh’d reckon me somewhut sparin’ o’ mah narrative on mah fust settin’ out,— bar wif me,—an’ lemme hoof it on, an’ tell mah sto’y mah own way:——o’ ef ah sh’d seem now an’ then t’trifle upon th’ road,——o’ sh’d sometimes put on a fool’s cap wif a bell t’it, fo’ a moment o’ two as we pass along,--doesn’t fly off,—but rather courteously gimme credit fo’ a li’l mo’e wisdom than appears upon mah outside;—an’ as we jogg on, eifer laugh
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wif me, o’ at me, o’ in sho’t, does enny thin’,——only keep yer temper.
CHA P P . VI I . I N th’ same village whar mah Pappy an’ mah Mammy dwelt, dwelt also a thin, upright, mammyly, notable, fine old hide o’ a midwife, who, wif the he’p o’ a li’l plain fine sense, an’ some years full employment in her business, in which she had all along trested li’l t’her own effo’ts, an’ a great deal to ‘em o’ dame nature,—had acquired, in her way, no small degree o’ repeetayshun in th’ wo’ld;—by which wo’d wo’ld, need ah in this h’yar place info’ms yer wo’ship, thet ah w’d be unnerstood t’mean no mo’e o’ it, than a small circle dexcribed upon th’ circle o’ th’ great wo’ld, o’ four English miles diameter, o’ thar’abouts, o’ which th’ cottage whar the fine old woomin lived, is supposed t’be th’ centre.——She had been lef’, it seems, a widow in great distress, wif three o’ four small chillun, in her fo’ty-seventh year; an’ as she was at thet time a varmint o’ decent carriage,—grave depo’tment,— —a woomin mo’eovah o’ few wo’ds, an’ wifall an objeck o’ compashun, whose distress an’ silence unner it call’d out th’ louder fo’ a friendly lif’: th’ wife o’ th’ parson o’ th’ parish was touch’d wif pity; an’ havin’ offen la-mented an inconvenience, t’which her husbin’s flock had fo’ menny years been exposed, inasmuch, as thar was no sech thin’ as a midwife, o’ enny kind o’ degree to be got at, let th’ case haf been nevah so urjunt, wifin less than six o’ seven long miles ridin’; which said seven long miles in dark nights an’ dismal roads, th’ country tharabouts bein’ nothin’ but a deep clay, was almost equal to fourteen; an’ thet in effeck was sometimes next t’havin’ no midwife at all; it came into her haid, thet it’d be
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doin’ as seasonable a kindness t’th’ whole parish, as t’th’ pore creature herse’f, t’git her a li’l instrucked in some o’ th’ plain principles o’ th’ business, in o’der t’set her up in it. As no woomin tharabouts was better qualified t’exehansum th’ plan she had fo’med than herse’f, th’ Juntlewoomin mighty charitably unnertook it; an’ havin’ great influence on over th’ female o’ th’ opposite sex part o’ th’ parish, she foun’ no difficulty in effeckin’ it t’th’ utmost o’ her wishes. In truth, th’ parson join’d his interess wif his wife’s in th’ whole affair; an’ in o’der t’do thin’s as they sh’d be, an’ give th’ pore soul as fine a title by law t’prackise, as his wife had given by insteetooshun,——he chearfully paid the fees fo’ th’ o’dinaries licence hisse’f, amountin’, in th’ whole, t’th’ sum o’ eighteen shillin’s an’ fourpence; so thet, betwixt ‘em both, th’ fine woomin was fully invested in th’ real an’ co’po’al postesshun o’ her office, togither wif all its rights, members, an’ appurtenances whutsoevah. These last wo’ds, yo’ muss know, was not acco’din’ t’th’ old fo’m in which sech licences, faculties, an’ pow’s usually ran, which in like cases had h’yartofo’e been granted t’th’ sisterhood, cuss it all t’ tarnation. But it was acco’din’ t’a neat Fo’mula o’ Didius his own devisin’, who havin’ a particular turn fo’ takin’ t’pieces, an’ noo framin’ on over agin, all kind o’ instroomnts in thet way, not only hit upon this h’yar dainty amendment, but coax’d menny o’ th’ old licensed matrons in the neighbourhood, t’open their faculties afresh, in o’der t’have this h’yar whim-wham o’ his inserted, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Ah owns ah nevah c’d invy Didius in these kinds o’ fancies o’ his:—But ev’ry fella t’his own taste.—Did not Dr. Kunastrokius, thet great fella, at his leisure hours, take th’ greatess delight imaginable in combin’ o’ asses tails, an’ pluckin’ th’ daid hairs out wif his teeth, though he had tweezers allus in his pocket? Nay, eff’n yo’ come t’thet, Suh,
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haf not th’ wisess o’ min in all ages, not ‘ceptin’ Solomon hisse’f,—haf they not had their H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G S ;—their runnin’ houn’dogs,—their coins an’ their cockle-shells, their drums an’ their trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets,——their maggots an’ their butterflies?—an’ so long as a fella rides his H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G peaceably an’ quietly along th’ Kin’s high-way, an’ neifer compels yo’ o’ me to git up behind him,——pray, Suh, whut have eifer yo’ o’ ah to does wif it?
CHAP P . VI I I . —De gestibus non ess dispeetayndum;—thet is, thar is no disputin’ aginst H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G S ; an’, fo’ mah part, ah seldom does; no’ c’d ah wif enny so’t o’ grace, had ah been an inemah t’them at th’ bottom; fo’ happenin’, at sartin intervals an’ changes o’ th’ Moon, t’be both fiddler an’ painter, acco’din’ as th’ fly stin’s:---Be it known t’yo’, thet I keep a couple o’ pads mahse’f, upon which, in their turns, (no’ does ah care who knows it) ah frequently rides out an’ take th’ air;—tho’ sometimes, t’mah shame be it spoken, ah takes somewhut longer journies than whut a wise fella’d reckon altogither right.----But th’ truth is,---ah’s not a wise fella;——an’ besides is a mo’tal o’ so li’l cornsequence in th’ wo’ld, it is not much matter whut ah does; so ah seldom fret o’ foom at all about it: No’ does it much disturb mah ress when ah sees sech great Lo’ds an’ tall Varmintages as h’yaraf’er foller;---sech, fo’ instance, as mah Lo’d A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, an’ so on, all o’ a row, mounted upon their sevahal houn’dogs;--some wif large stirrups, gittin’ on in a mo’e grave an’ sober pace;----others on th’ contrary, tuck’d up t’their mighty chins, wif whips acrost their moufs, scourin’
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an’ scamperin’ it away like so menny li’l party-colour’d devils astride a mo’tgage,——an’ as eff’n some o’ them was resolved t’bust their necks.—So much th’ better—say ah to mahse’f;— fo’ in case th’ wo’st sh’d happen, th’ wo’ld will make a shif’ t’do excellently fine wifout ‘em;—an’ fo’ th’ rest,----whuffo’, ----God speed ‘em,----e’en let them ride on wifout enny opposishun fum me; fo’ was their lo’dships unhoun’dogd this h’yar mighty night,——’tis ten t’one but thet menny o’ them’d be wo’se mounted by one ha’f afore t’morry mawnin’. Not one o’ these instances tharfo’e can be said t’bust in upon mah rest.—But thar is an instance, which ah owns puts me off mah guard, an’ thet is, when ah sees one born an’ raised fo’ great ackshuns, an’, whut is still mo’e fo’ his honour, whose nature evah inclines him t’fine ones;---when ah beholds sech a one, mah Lo’d, like yo’seff, whose principles an’ cornduck is as junerous an’ noble as his blood, an’ whom, fo’ thet reason, a co’rupp wo’ld cain’t spare one moment;—when ah sees sech a one, mah Lo’d, mounted, though it is but fo’ a minute beyond the time which mah love t’mah country has prexcribed t’him, an’ mah zeal fo’ his glo’y wishes,—then, mah Lo’d, ah ceases to be a philosopher, an’ in th’ fust transpo’t o’ an honess impatience, ah wishes th’ H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G , wif all his fraternity, at th’ Devil, ah reckons. Mah Lo’d, “ A H Maintains this h’yar to be a dedicashun, notwifstan’in’ its sin’ularity in th’ three great essentials o’ matter, fo’m, an’ place: ah begs, tharfo’e, yo’ will accepp it as sech, an’ thet yo’ will permit me t’lay it, wif the dawgonedest respeckful hoomility, atchar Lo’dship’s feet,--when yer upon ‘em,-which yo’ kin be when yo’ please;----an’ thet is, mah Lo’d, when evah thar is occashun fo’ it, an’ ah will add, t’the bess purposes too.
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Ah have th’ honour to be, Mah Lo’d, Yer Lo’dship’s most obedient, an’ most devoted, an’ most hoomble servant, T R I S T R A M S H A N ’ Y .”
CHA P P . I X. A H Solemnly declares t’all mankind, thet th’ above dedicashun was made fo’ no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, o’ Potentate,—Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, o’ Baron o’ this, o’ enny other Realm in Jedtendom;-----no’ has it yet been hawk’d about, o’ offered publickly o’ privately, direckly o’ indireckly, t’enny one varmint o’ varmintage, great o’ small; but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedicashun untried on, upon enny soul livin’. Ah labours this h’yar point so particularly, merely t’remove enny offence o’ objeckshun which might arise aginst it, fum th’ manner in which ah proposes t’make the dawgonedest o’ it;---which is th’ puttin’ it up fairly t’publick sale; which ah now does. ——Ev’ry autho’ has a way o’ his own, in brin’in’ his points t’bar;--fo’ mah own part, as ah hates chafferin’ an’ higglin’ fo’ a few guineas in a dark entry;---ah resolved wifin mahse’f, fum th’ mighty beginnin’, t’deal squarely an’ openly witcher Great Folks in this h’yar affair, an’ try whether ah sh’d not come off th’ better by it. Eff’n tharfo’e thar is enny one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, o’ Baron, in these his Majesty’s dominions, who stan’s in need o’ a tight, junteel dedicashun, an’ whom th’
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above will sueyt, (fo’ by th’ goo’bye, unless it sueyts in some degree, I will not part wif it)——it is much at his service fo’ fif’y guineas;——which ah’s positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to be affo’ded fo’, by enny fella o’ junius. Mah Lo’d, eff’n yo’ examine it on over agin, it is far fum bein’ a grost piece o’ daubin’, as some dedicashuns is. Th’ design, yer Lo’dship sees, is fine, th’ colourin’ transparent,—th’ drawin’ not amiss;—o’ t’speak mo’e like a fella o’ science,—an’ measure mah piece in th’ painter’s scale, divided into 20,—ah believes, mah Lo’d, th’ outlines will turn out as 12,—th’ composishun as 9,—th’ colourin’ as 6,—th’ expresshun 13 an’ a ha’f,—an’ th’ design,—ef ah mebbe allered, mah Lo’d, t’unnerstan’ mah own design, an’ supposin’ absolute puffickion in designin’, t’be as 20,—ah reckons it cain’t fine fall sho’t o’ 19. Besides all this,—thar is keepin’ in it, an’ th’ dark strokes in th’ H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G , (which is a secondary figger, an’ a kind o’ back-groun’ t’th’ whole) give great fo’ce t’th’ principal lights in yer own figger, an’ make it come off wonnerfully;——an’ besides, thar is an air o’ origeenality in th’ tout insemble. Be pleased, mah fine Lo’d, t’o’der th’ sum t’be paid into th’ han’s o’ Mr. Dodsley, fo’ th’ benefit o’ th’ autho’; an’ in th’ next edishun care shall be taken thet this h’yar chapper be expunged, an’ yer Lo’dship’s titles, distinckshuns, arms, an’ fine ackshuns, be placed at th’ front o’ the precedin’ chapper: All which, fum th’ wo’ds, De gestibus non est dispeetayndum, an’ whutevah else in this h’yar book relates t’ H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G S , but no mo’e, shall stan’ dedicated t’yer Lo’dship.---Th’ ress ah dedicuts to the M O O N , who, by th’ goo’bye, o’ all th’ P A T R O N S o’ M A T R O N S ah can reckon o’, has most pow’ t’set mah book a-gwine, an’ make th’ wo’ld helterskelter mad af’er it.
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Bright Goddess, Eff’n thou art not too busy wif K I N D I D an’ Miss C U N E G U N D ’s affairs,--take Tristram Shan’y’s unner thy proteckshun also.
CHAP P . X. W Hutevah degree o’ small merit th’ ack o’ benignity in favour o’ the midwife might jestly claim, o’ in whom thet claim truly rested,—at fust sight seems not mighty material t’this histo’y;——sartin howevah it was, thet th’ juntlewoomin, th’ parson’s wife, did helter-skelter away at thet time wif the whole o’ it: An’ yet, fo’ mah life, ah cain’t he’p reckonin’ but thet the parson hisse’f, though he had not th’ fine fo’tune t’hit upon th’ design fust,—yet, as he heartily corncurred in it th’ moment it was laid afore him, an’ as heartily parted wif his money t’carry it into execushun, had a claim t’some share o’ it,—ef not t’a full ha’f o’ whutevah honour was due t’it. Th’ wo’ld at thet time was pleased t’determine th’ matter otherwise. Lay down th’ book, an’ ah will aller yo’ ha’f a day t’give a probable guess at th’ groun’s o’ this h’yar procedure. Be it known then, thet, fo’ about five years afore th’ date o’ the midwife’s licence, o’ which yo’ haf had so circumstantial an account,—the parson we hafta does wif had made hisse’f a country-talk by a bretch o’ all deco’um, which he had committed aginst hisse’f, his stashun, an’ his office;——an’ thet was in nevah appearin’ better, o’ otherwise mounted, than upon a lean, so’ry, jackass o’ a houn’dog, value about one poun’ fif’een shillin’s; who, t’sho’ten all dexcripshun o’ him, was full brother to Rosinante, as far as similitude cornjunial c’d make him; fo’ he answered his dexcripshun t’a
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hair-breadth in ev’ry thin’,—’cept thet ah does not remember ‘tis enny whar said, thet Rosinante was busted-winded; an’ thet, mo’eovah, Rosinante, as is th’ happiness o’ most Spanish houn’dogs, fat o’ lean,—was undoubtedly a houn’dog at all points. Ah knows mighty fine thet th’ HERO’s houn’dog was a houn’dog o’ chaste depo’tment, which may haf given groun’s fo’ th’ contrary opinion: But it is as sartin at th’ same time thet Rosinante’s corntinency (as mebbe demonstrated fum th’ adventure o’ th’ Yanguesian carriers) proceeded fum no bodily defeck o’ cuz whutsoevah, but fum th’ temperance an’ o’derly current o’ his blood, cuss it all t’ tarnation.—An’ lemme tell yo’, Madam, thar is a great deal o’ mighty fine chastity in th’ wo’ld, in beha’f o’ which yo’ c’d not say mo’e fo’ yer life. Let thet be as it may, as mah purpose is t’do exack jestice t’ev’ry creature brought upon th’ stage o’ this h’yar dramatic wawk,—ah c’d not stifle this distinckshun in favour o’ Don Quixote’s houn’dog; ——in all other points, th’ parson’s houn’dog, ah says, was jest sech t’other,——fo’ he was as lean, an’ as lank, an’ as so’ry a jade, as H U M I L I T Y herse’f c’d haf bestrided, cuss it all t’ tarnation. In th’ estimashun o’ h’yar an’ thar a fella o’ weak judgment, it was greatly in th’ parson’s pow’ t’have he’ped th’ figger o’ this h’yar houn’dog o’ his,—fo’ he was master o’ a mighty hansum demi-peaked saddle, quilted on th’ seat wif green plush, garnished wif a double row o’ silvah-haided studs, an’ a noble pair o’ shinin’ brass stirrups, wif a housin’ altogither sueytable, o’ grey superfine cloth, wif an edgin’ o’ black lace, terminatin’ in a deep, black, silk fringi, poudrè d’o’,—all which he had purchased in the pride an’ prime o’ his life, togither wif a gran’ embosted bridle, o’namented at all points as it sh’d be.——But not carin’ t’banter his beast, he had hung all these up behind his study dore:—an’, in lieu o’ them, had seriously befitted him wif jest sech a bridle an’ sech
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a saddle, as th’ figger an’ value o’ sech a steed might fine an’ truly desarve. In th’ sevahal sallies about his parish, an’ in th’ neighbourin’ visits to th’ juntry who lived aroun’ him,——yo’ will easily comprehend, thet the parson, so appointed,’d both heer an’ see inough t’keep his philosophy fum restin’. To speak th’ truth, he nevah c’d inter a village, but he caught th’ attenshun o’ both old an’ yo’ng, accordin’ t’ th’ code o’ th’ hills!----Labour stood still as he pass’d,---th’ bucket hung suspended in th’ middle o’ th’ fine,——th’ spinnin’-wheel fo’got its roun’,———even chuck-farthin’ an’ shuffle-cap themselves stood gapin’ till he had got outta sight; an’ as his movement was not o’ th’ quickest, he had junerally time inough upon his han’s t’make his observashuns,--to heer th’ groans o’ th’ serious,——an’ th’ laughter o’ the lighthearted;—all which he bo’e wif excellent tranquillity.—His chareecker was,——he loved a jess in his heart—an’ as he sar hisse’f in the true point o’ ridicule, he’d say he c’d not be angry wif others fo’ seein’ him in a light, in which he so strongly sar hisse’f: So thet t’his friends, who knowed his foible was not th’ love o’ money, an’ who tharfo’e made th’ less scruple in banterin’ th’ extryvagance o’ his hoomour,— instead o’ givin’ th’ true cuz,—he chose rather t’join in th’ laugh aginst hisse’f; an’ as he nevah carried one sin’le ounce o’ flesh upon his own bones, bein’ altogither as spare a figger as his beast,—he’d sometimes insist upon it, thet th’ houn’dog was as fine as th’ rider desarved;—thet they was, centaurlike,---both o’ a piece. At other times, an’ in other moods, when his spirits was above th’ temppashun o’ false wit,— he’d say, he foun’ hisse’f gwine off fast in a cornsumpshun; an’, wif great gravity,’d pretend, he c’d not bar th’ sight o’ a fat houn’dog, wifout a dejeckshun o’ heart, an’ a sensible alterashun in his pulse; an’ thet he had made choice o’ th’ lean one he rode upon, not only t’keep hisse’f in countenance, but
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in spirits. At diffrunt times he’d give fif’y hoomrus an’ apposite reasons fo’ ridin’ a meek-spirited jade o’ a busted-winded houn’dog, preferably t’one o’ mettle;—fo’ on sech a one he c’d fit mechanically, an’ meditate as delightfully de vanitate mundi et fugâ faeculi, as wif th’ advantage o’ a daith’s haid afore him;—thet, in all other exercitashuns, he c’d spend his time, as he rode slowly along,——to as much account as in his study;—thet he c’d draw up an argoomnt in his sermon,—o’ a hole in his breeches, as steadily on th’ one as in t’other;—thet brisk trottin’ an’ slow argoomntashun, like wit an’ judgment, was two incompatible movements.--But thet upon his steed—he c’d unite an’ reconcile ev’ry thin’,—he c’d compose his sermon—he c’d compose his cough,——an’, in case nature gave a call thet way, he c’d likewise compose hisse’f to sleep.—In sho’t, th’ parson upon sech incounters’d assign enny cuz but th’ true cuz,—an’ he wif-held th’ true one, only outta nicety o’ temper, on account o’ he thunk it did honour t’him, dawgone it. But th’ truth o’ th’ sto’y was as follers: In th’ fust years o’ this juntleman’s life, an’ about th’ time when th’ superb saddle an’ bridle was purchased by him, it had been his manner, o’ vanity, o’ call it whut yo’ will,——to helter-skelter into th’ opposite extreme.—In th’ language o’ th’ county whar he dwelt, he was said t’have loved a fine houn’dog, an’ junerally had one o’ th’ bess in th’ whole parish stan’in’ in his stable allus ready fo’ saddlin’: an’ as th’ nearess midwife, as ah tole yo’, did not live nearer to th’ village than seven miles, an’ in a vile country,——it so fell out thet th’ pore juntleman was scarce a whole week togither wifout some piteous applicashun fo’ his beast; an’ as he was not an unkind-hearted fella, an’ ev’ry case was mo’e pressin’ an’ mo’e distressful than th’ last;—as much as he loved his beast, he had nevah a heart t’refuse him; th’ upshot o’ which was junerally this; thet
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his houn’dog was eifer clapp’d, o’ spavin’d, o’ greaz’d;—o’ he was twitter-bon’d, o’ busted-winded, o’ sumpin, in sho’t, o’ other had befallen him, which’d let him carry no flesh;—so thet he had ev’ry nine o’ ten months a bad houn’dog t’git rid o’,—an’ a fine houn’dog t’purchase in his stead, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Whut in tarnation th’ lost in sech a balance might amount to, communibus annis, ah w’d leave t’a special jury o’ sufferers in th’ same traffick, t’determine;—but let it be whut it’d, th’ honess juntleman bo’e it fo’ menny years wifout a murmur, till at len’th, by repeated ill accidents o’ th’ kind, he foun’ it necessary t’take th’ thin’ unner cornsiderashun; an’ upon weighin’ th’ whole, an’ summin’ it up in his mind, he foun’ it not only dispropo’shuned t’his other expences, but wifal so heavy an article in itse’f, as t’disable him fum enny other ack o’ junerosity in his parish: Besides this, he cornsidered thet wif ha’f th’ sum thus galloped away, he c’d does ten times as much fine;——an’ whut still weighed mo’e wif him than all other cornsiderashuns put togither, was this, thet it cornfined all his charity into one particular channel, an’ whar, as he fancied, it was the least wanted, namely, t’th’ chilebarin’ an’ chile-gittin’ part o’ his parish; reservin’ nothin’ fo’ th’ impotent,---nothin’ fo’ th’ aged,---nothin’ fo’ th’ menny comfo’tless scenes he was hourly called fo’th t’visit, whar povahty, an’ sickness an’ afflickshun dwelt togither. Fo’ these reasons he resolved t’discontinue th’ expence; an’ thar appeared but two postible ways t’extricut him clearly outta it;—an’ these was, eifer t’make it an irrevocable law nevah mo’e t’lend his steed upon enny applicashun whutevah,—o’ else be corntent t’ride th’ last pore devil, sech as they had made him, wif all his aches an’ infirmities, to th’ mighty ind o’ th’ chapper. As he dreaded his own cornstancy in th’ fust——he mighty chearfully betook hisse’f t’th’ second; an’ though he
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c’d mighty fine haf explained it, as ah said, t’his honour,— yet, fo’ thet mighty reason, he had a spirit above it; choosin’ rather t’bar th’ contempp o’ his inemies, an’ th’ laughter o’ his friends, than unnergo th’ pain o’ tellyng a sto’y, which might seem a panegyrick upon hisse’f. Ah’ve th’ highess idea o’ th’ spiritual an’ refined sentiments o’ this revahend juntleman, fum this h’yar sin’le stroke in his chareecker, which ah reckons comes up t’enny o’ th’ honess refinements o’ th’ peerless knight o’ La Mancha, whom, by th’ goo’bye, wif all his follies, ah loves mo’e, an’d acshully haf gone farther t’have paid a viset to, than th’ greatess hero o’ antiquity. But this h’yar is not th’ mo’al o’ mah sto’y: Th’ thin’ ah had in view was t’shew th’ temper o’ th’ wo’ld in th’ whole o’ this h’yar affair.—Fo’ yo’ muss know, thet so long as this h’yar explanashun’d haf done th’ parson credit,—the devil a soul c’d find it out,—ah supposes his inemies’d not, an’ thet his friends c’d not.——But no sooner did he bestir hisse’f in beha’f o’ th’ midwife, an’ pay th’ expences o’ th’ o’dinary’s licence t’set her up,—but th’ whole secret came out; ev’ry houn’dog he had lost, an’ two houn’dogs mo’e than evah he had lost, wif all th’ circumstances o’ their destruckshun, was known an’ distinckly remembered, cuss it all t’ tarnation.— Th’ sto’y scooted like wild-fire.—“Th’ parson had a returnin’ fit o’ pride which had jest seized him; an’ he was a-gonna be fine mounted once agin in his life; an’ eff’n it was so, ‘twas plain as th’ sun at noon-day, he’d pocket th’ expence o’ th’ licence ten times tole, th’ mighty fust year:——So thet ev’ry hide was lef’ t’judge whut was his views in this h’yar ack o’ charity.” Whut in tarnation was his views in this, an’ in ev’ry other ackshun o’ his life,—o’ rather whut was th’ opinions which floated in th’ brains o’ other varmints concernin’ it, was a thunk which too much floated in his own, an’ too offen
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busted in upon his rest, when he sh’d haf been soun’ asleep. About ten years ago this h’yar juntleman had th’ fine fo’tune t’be made intirely easy upon thet sco’e,——it bein’ jest so long on account o’ he lef’ his parish,——an’ th’ whole wo’ld at th’ same time behind him,--an’ stan’s accountable t’a Judge o’ whom he will haf no cuz t’complain, as enny fool kin plainly see. But thar is a fatality attends th’ ackshuns o’ some men: Order ‘em as they will, they pass thro’ a sartin medium, which so twists an’ refracks ‘em fum their true direckshuns ———thet, wif all th’ titles t’praise which a reckitude o’ heart kin give, th’ doers o’ them is nevahtheless fo’ced to live an’ die wifout it. O’ th’ truth o’ which, this h’yar juntleman was a painful example.——But t’know by whut means this h’yar came t’pass,----an’ t’make thet smarts o’ use t’yo’, ah insists upon it thet yo’ read th’ two follerin’ chappers, which corntain sech a sketch o’ his life an’ cornvahsashun, as will carry its mo’al along wif it.--When this h’yar is done, eff’n nothin’ stops us in our way, we will hoof it on wif th’ midwife.
CHA P P . XI . YO ’ I C K was this h’yar parson’s name, an’, whut is mighty remarkable in it, (as appears fum a most ancient account o’ th’ fambly, wrote upon strong vellum, an’ now in puffick preservashun) it had been exackly so spelt fo’ near, ——ah was wifin an ace o’ sayin’ nine hundred years;—— but ah w’d not shake mah credit in tellyng an improbable truth, howevah indispeetayble in itse’f;——an’ tharfo’e ah shall corntent mahse’f wif only sayin’,---It had been exackly so spelt, wifout th’ least variashun o’ transposishun o’ a sin’le
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letter, fo’ ah does not knows how long; which is mo’e than ah w’d venture to say o’ one ha’f o’ th’ bess surnames in th’ kin’dom; which, in a course o’ years, haf junerally unnergone as menny chops an’ changes as their ownys.—Has this h’yar been owin’ t’th’ pride, o’ t’th’ shame o’ th’ respeckive proprieto’s?—In honess truth, ah reckons sometimes t’th’ one, an’ sometimes to t’other, jest as th’ temppashun has wrought. But a villainous affair it is, an’ will one day so blend an’ cornfoun’ us all togither, thet no one shall be able t’stan’ up an’ swar, “Thet his own great gran’Pappy was th’ fella who did eifer this h’yar o’ thet.” This h’yar evil had been good and fenced aginst by th’ prudent care o’ the Yo’ick’s fambly, an’ their religious preservashun o’ these reco’ds ah quotes, which does farther info’m us, Thet th’ fambly was origeenally o’ Danish extryckshun, an’ had been transplanted into Englan’ as early as in th’ reign o’ Ho’wendillus, kin’ o’ Denmark, in whose court, it seems, an ancesto’ o’ this Mr Yo’ick’s, an’ fum whom he was lineally dexcended, held a considerable post t’th’ day o’ his daith. O’ whut nature this considerable post was, this h’yar reco’d saif not;—it only adds, Thet, fo’ near two centuries, it had been mighty abolished, as altogither unnecessary, not only in thet court, but in ev’ry other court o’ th’ Jedtian wo’ld, cuss it all t’ tarnation. It has offen come into mah haid, thet this h’yar post c’d be no other than thet o’ th’ kin’s chief Jester;---an’ thet Hamless’ Yo’ick, in our Shakespeare, menny o’ whose plays, yo’ know, is foun’ed upon authenticated facks,--was sartinly th’ mighty fella, as enny fool kin plainly see. Ah’ve not th’ time t’look into Saxo-Grammaticus’s Danish histo’y, t’know th’ sartinty o’ this;—but eff’n yo’ haf leisure, an’ kin easily git at the book, yo’ may does it full as fine yo’seff. Ah had jest time, in mah travels through Denmark wif Mr.
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Noddy’s eldess son, whom, in th’ year 1741, ah accompanied as govahno’, ridin’ along wif him at a prodigious rate thro’ most parts o’ Europe, an’ o’ which origeenal journey perfo’med by us two, a most deleckable narrative will be given in the progress o’ this hyar wawk. Ah had jest time, ah say, an’ thet was all, t’prove th’ truth o’ an observashun made by a long sojourner in thet country;----namely, “Thet nature was neifer mighty lavish, no’ was she mighty stin’y in her gif’s o’ junius an’ capacity t’its inhabitants;--but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind t’them all; observin’ sech an equal teno’ in th’ distribushun o’ her favours, as t’brin’ them, in them points, purdy near t’a level wif etch other; so thet yo’ will meet wif few instances in thet kin’dom o’ refined parts; but a great deal o’ fine plain houshold unnerstan’in’ amongst all ranks o’ varmints, o’ which ev’ry hide has a share;” which is, ah reckons, mighty right. Wif us, yo’ see, th’ case is quite diffrunt;—we is all ups an’ downs in this matter;—yer a great junius;--o’ ‘tis fif’y t’one, Suh, yer a great dunce an’ a blockhaid;---not thet thar is a total be hankerin’ o’ intermediate steps,—no,—we is not so irregular as thet comes to;—but th’ two extremes is mo’e common, an’ in a greater degree in this hyar unsettled islan’, whar nature, in her gif’s an’ disposishuns o’ this hyar kind, is most whimsical an’ capricious; fo’tune herse’f not bein’ mo’e so in th’ bequest o’ her fines an’ chattels than she. This hyar is all thet evah staggered mah faif in regard t’Yo’ick’s extryckshun, who, by whut ah can remember o’ him, an’ by all th’ accounts ah c’d evah git o’ him, seemed not t’have had one sin’le drop o’ Danish blood in his whole crasis; in nine hundred years, it might postibly haf all helter-skelter out:----Ah will not philosophize one moment wif yo’ about it; fo’ happen how it w’d, th’ fack was this:—Thet instead o’ thet cold phlegm an’ exack regularity o’ sense an’ hoomours, yo’d haf looked fo’, in one so extrycked;---he was, on th’ contrary,
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as mercurial an’ sublimated a composishun,----as heteroclite a creature in all his declenshuns;-----wif as much life an’ whim, an’ gaité de cœur about him, as th’ kindliess climate c’d haf enjundered an’ put togither. Wif all this hyar sail, pore Yo’ick carried not one ounce o’ ballast; he was utterly unprackised in th’ wo’ld; an’ at th’ age o’ twenty-six, knowed jest about as fine how t’steer his course in it, as a rompin’, unsuspicious gal o’ thirteen: So thet upon his fust settin’ out, th’ brisk gale o’ his spirits, as yo’ will imagine, ran him foul ten times in a day o’ somebody’s tacklin’; an’ as th’ grave an’ mo’e slowpaced was offeness in his way,-----yo’ may likewise imagine, ‘twas wif sech he had junerally th’ ill luck t’git the dawgonedest intangled, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Fo’ aught ah knows thar might be some mixture o’ unlucky wit at th’ bottom o’ sech Fracas:---Fo’, t’speak th’ truth, Yo’ick had an invincible dislike an’ opposishun in his nature t’gravity;---not t’gravity as sech; ----fo’ whar gravity was wanted, he’d be the dawgoned-est grave o’ serious o’ mo’tal men fo’ days an’ weeks togither; ---but he was an inemah t’th’ affeckashun o’ it, an’ declared open war aginst it, only as it appeared a cloak fo’ iggorance, o’ fo’ folly; an’ then, whenevah it fell in his way, howevah sheltered an’ protecked, he seldom gave it much quarter. Sometimes, in his wild way o’ talkin’, he’d say, thet Gravity was an errant scoun’rel, an’ he’d add,—o’ the dawgoned-est dangerous kind too,----on account o’ a sly one; an’ thet he vahily believed, mo’e honest, fine-meanin’ varmints was bubbled outta their fines an’ money by it in one twelve-month, than by pocket-pickin’ an’ shop-lif’in’ in seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. In th’ naked temper which a merry heart discovahed, he’d say, Thar was no danger,--but to itse’f:—wharas th’ mighty essence o’ gravity was design, an’ cornsequently deceit;---’twas a taught trick t’gain credit o’ th’ wo’ld fo’ mo’e sense an’ smarts than a fella was wo’th; an’ thet, wif all its pretenshuns,---it was no better, but offen
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wo’se, than whut a French wit had long ago defined it,---viz. A mahsterious carriage o’ th’ body t’covah th’ defecks o’ the mind;—which definishun o’ gravity, Yo’ick, wif great imprudence,’d say, desarved t’be wrote in letters o’ gold, cuss it all t’ tarnation. But, in plain truth, he was a fella unhackneyed an’ unprackised in th’ wo’ld, an’ was altogither as indiscreet an’ foolish on ev’ry other subjeck o’ discourse whar policy is wont t’impress restraint. Yo’ick had no impresshun but one, an’ thet was whut arose fum th’ nature o’ th’ deed spoken o’; which impresshun he’d usually translate into plain English wifout enny periphrasis,——an’ too o’ wifout much distinckshun o’ eifer varmint, time, o’ place;---so thet when menshun was made o’ a pitiful o’ an unjunerous proceedin’,---he nevah gave hisse’f a moment’s time t’refleck who was th’ Hero o’ th’ piece,----whut his stashun,----o’ how far he had pow’ to hurt him hyaraf’er;---but eff’n it was a dirty ackshun,-----wifout mo’e ado,-----The fella was a dirty feller,---an’ so on, as enny fool kin plainly see:---An’ as his comments had usually the ill fate t’be terminated eifer in a bon mot, o’ t’be inlivened throughout wif some drollery o’ hoomour o’ expresshun, it gave win’s to Yo’ick’s indiscreshun. In a wo’d, tho’ he nevah sought, yet, at th’ same time, as he seldom shunned occashuns o’ sayin’ whut came uppermost, an’ wifout much ceremony; ----he had but too menny temppashuns in life, o’ scatterin’ his wit an’ his hoomour—his gibes an’ his jests about him, dawgone it.----They was not lost fo’ be hankerin’ o’ gatherin’. Whut in tarnation was th’ consequences, an’ whut was Yo’ick’s catastrophe tharupon, yo’ will read in th’ next chapper.
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CHA P P . XI I . T H ’ Mo’tgager an’ Mo’tgageé differ th’ one fum t’other, not mo’e in len’th o’ purse, than th’ Jester an’ Jesteé does, in thet o’ memo’y. But in this th’ comparison between them runs, as th’ scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by th’ goo’bye, is upon one o’ two legs mo’e than some o’ th’ best o’ Homer’s kin pretend to;—namely, Thet th’ one raises a sum, an’ the other a laugh atchar expence, an’ reckons no mo’e about it. Interest, howevah, still runs on in both cases;----th’ periodical o’ accidental payments o’ it, jest servin’ t’keep th’ memo’y o’ th’ affair alive; till, at len’th, in some evil hour,----pop comes th’ credito’ upon etch, an’ by deman’in’ principal upon th’ spot, togither wif full interess to th’ mighty day, makes them both feel th’ full extent o’ their obligashuns. As th’ reader (fo’ ah hate yer eff’ns) has a tho’ough smarts o’ hoomin nature, ah need not say mo’e t’satisfy him, thet mah Hero c’d not hoof it on at this rate wifout some slight experience o’ these incidental mementos. To speak th’ truth, he had wantonly involved hisse’f in a multitude o’ small book-debts o’ this hyar stamp, which, notwifstan’in’ Eujunius’s frequent advice, he too much disregarded; reckonin’, thet as not one o’ them was contracked thro’ enny malignancy;---but, on th’ contrary, fum an honesty o’ mind, an’ a mere jocundity o’ hoomour, they’d all o’ them be crost’d out in course. Eujunius’d nevah admit this; an’d offen tell him, thet one day o’ other he’d sartinly be reckoned wif; an’ he’d offen add, in an accent o’ so’rowful appreehenshun,---to th’ uttermost mite. To which Yo’ick, wif his usual carelessness o’ heart, ‘d as offen answer wif a pshaw! Fry mah hide!---an’ eff’n th’ subjeck was started in th’ fields,---wif a hop, skip, an’ a jump at th’ end o’ it; but eff’n close pent up in th’ social chimneyco’ner, whar th’ cu’prit was barricado’d in, wif a table an’ a
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couple o’ arm chairs, an’ c’d not so readily fly off in a tanjunt, ----Eujunius’d then hoof it on wif his leckure upon discreshun in wo’ds t’this purpose, though somewhut better put togither. Trest me, dear Yo’ick, this hyar unwary pleasantry o’ thine will sooner o’ later brin’ thee into scrapes an’ difficulties, which no af’er-wit kin extricate thee outta.——In these sallies, too o’, ah see, it happens, thet a varmint laughed at, cornsiders hisse’f in th’ light o’ a varmint injured, wif all th’ rights o’ sech a situashun belongin’ t’him; an’ when thou viewess him in thet light too, an’ reckons up his friends, his fambly, his kindred an’ allies,----an’ mussers up wif ‘em th’ menny recruits which will list unner him fum a sense o’ common danger;---’tis no extryvagant arifmetic t’say, thet fo’ ev’ry ten jokes,---thou hast got an hundred inemies; an’ till thou hast gone on, an’ raised a swarm o’ wasps about thine ears, an’ art ha’f stung t’daith by ‘em, thou wilt nevah be cornvinced it is so. Ah cain’t suspeck it in th’ fella whom ah esteem, thet thar is th’ least spur fum spleen o’ malevolence o’ intent in these sallies. ——Ah believe an’ know ‘em t’be truly honess an’ spo’tive:---But cornsider, mah dear lad, thet fools cain’t distin’uish this,--an’ thet knaves will not: an’ thou knowest not whut it is, eifer t’provoke th’ one, o’ t’make merry wif the other:--whenevah they assosheeate fo’ mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry on th’ war in sech a manner aginst thee, mah dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick o’ it, an’ o’ thy life too. R E V E N G E fum some baneful co’ner shall level a tale o’ dishonour at thee, which no innercence o’ heart o’ integrity o’ cornduck shall set right.——The fo’tunes o’ thy house shall totter,---thy chareecker, which led th’ way to them, shall bleed on ev’ry side o’ it,--thy faif quesshuned,--thy wawks belied,--thy wit fo’gotten,--thy larnin’ trampled on, as enny fool kin plainly see. To wind up th’ last scene o’ thy tragedy,
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C R U E L T Y an’ C O W A R D I C E , twin ruffians, hired an’ set on by M A L I C E in th’ dark, shall strike togither at all thy infirmities an’ mistakes:---th’ bess o’ us, mah dear lad, lie open thar,---an’ trest me,----trest me, Yo’ick, When t’gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon, thet an innercent an’ an he’pless creature shall be sacrificed, ‘tis an easy matter t’pick up sticks inough fum enny thicket whar it has strayed, t’make a fire t’offer it up wif. Yo’ick scarce evah heerd this hyar sad vaticinashun o’ his destiny read on over to him, but wif a tear stealin’ fum his eye, an’ a promisso’y look attendin’ it, thet he was resolved, fo’ th’ time t’come, t’ride his tit wif mo’e sobriety.—But, alas, too late!---a gran’ cornfederacy wif * * * * * an’ * * * * * at th’ haid o’ it, was fo’med afore th’ fust predickshun o’ it.----Th’ whole plan o’ th’ attack, jest as Eujunius had fo’eboded, was put in execushun all at once,-----wif so li’l mercy on th’ side o’ th’ allies,---an’ so li’l suspicion in Yo’ick, o’ whut was carryin’ on aginst him,---thet when he thunk, fine easy fella! Fry mah hide! full sho’ly preferment was o’ripenin’,--they had smote his root, an’ then he fell, as menny a wo’thy fella had fallen afore him, dawgone it. Yo’ick, howevah, fought it out wif all imaginable gallantry fo’ some time; till, on overpow’ed by numbers, an’ wo’n out at len’th by th’ calamities o’ th’ war,----but mo’e so, by th’ unjunerous manner in which it was carried on,---he threw down th’ swo’d; an’ though he kepp up his spirits in appeareence t’th’ last,----he died, nevahtheless, as was junerally thunk, quite busted-hearted, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Whut in tarnation inclined Eujunius t’th’ same opinion was as follers: A few hours afore Yo’ick breathed his last, Eujunius stepp in wif an intent t’take his last sight an’ last farefine o’ him, dawgone it: Upon his drawin’ Yo’ick’s curtain, an’ axin’ how he felt hisse’f, Yo’ick lookin’ up in his face took hold o’ his han’,----an’ af’er thankin’ him fo’ th’ menny tokens o’ his
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friendship t’him, fo’ which, he said, eff’n it was their fate t’meet haraf’er,---he’d thank him agin an’ agin.—He tole him, he was wifin a few hours o’ givin’ his inemies th’ slip fo’ evah.-----Ah hope not, answered Eujunius, wif tears tricklin’ down his cheeks, an’ wif th’ tenneress tone thet evah fella spoke,---ah hope not, Yo’ick, said he.--Yo’ick replied, wif a look up, an’ a juntle squeeze o’ Eujunius’s han’, an’ thet was all, --but it cut Eujunius t’his heart.--Come,--come, Yo’ick, quoth Eujunius, wipin’ his eyes, an’ summonin’ up th’ fella wifin him,-----mah dear lad, be comfo’ted,---let not all thy spirits an’ fo’titude fo’sake thee at this hyar crisis when thou most be hankerin’ them;——who knows whut resources is in sto’e, an’ whut th’ pow’ o’ God may yet does fo’ thee?——Yo’ick laid his han’ upon his heart, an’ juntly shook his haid;---fo’ mah part, corntinued Eujunius, cryin’ bitterly as he uttered th’ wo’ds,—ah declare ah knows not, Yo’ick, how t’part wif thee,——an’d gladly flatter mah hopes, added Eujunius, chearin’ up his voice, thet thar is still inough lef’ o’ thee t’make a bishop,---an’ thet ah may live t’see it.——Ah beseech thee, Eujunius, quoth Yo’ick, takin’ off his night-cap as fine as he c’d wif his lef’ han’,——his right bein’ still grasped close in thet o’ Eujunius,——ah beseech thee t’take a view o’ mah haid.----Ah see nothin’ thet ails it, replied Eujunius. Then, alas! mah friend, said Yo’ick, lemme tell yo’, thet ‘tis so bruised an’ mis-shapened wif th’ blows which * * * * * an’ * * * * *, an’ some others haf so unhansumly given me in th’ dark, thet ah might say wif Sancho Panca, thet sh’d I recovah, an’ “Mitres tharupon be suffered t’rain down fum hevvin as thick as hail, not one o’ them’d fit it.”———Yo’ick’s last breath was hangin’ upon his tremblin’ lips ready t’depart as he uttered this;---yet still it was uttered wif sumpin o’ a cervannick tone;--an’ as he spoke it, Eujunius c’d perceive a stream o’ lambent fire lighted up fo’ a moment in his eyes;----faint pitcher o’ them flashes o’ his spirit, which (as Shakespeare said o’ his ancesto’) was wont
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t’set th’ table in a roar! Fry mah hide! Eujunius was cornvinced fum this, thet th’ heart o’ his friend was busted; he squeezed his han’,——an’ then walked sof’ly outta th’ room, weepin’ as he walked, cuss it all t’tarnation. Yo’ick follered Eujunius wif his eyes t’th’ dore,---he then closed them,—an’ nevah opened them mo’e. He lies buried in th’ co’ner o’ his church-yard, in th’ parish o’———, unner a plain marble slab, which his friend Eujunius, by leave o’ his executo’s, laid upon his grave, wif no mo’e than these three wo’ds o’ inscripshun, servin’ both fo’ his epitaph an’ elegy.
Alas, pore Y O ’ I C K ! Fry mah hide!
Ten times a day has Yo’ick’s ghost th’ consolashun t’heer his monoomntal inscripshun read on over wif sech a variety o’ plaintive tones, as denote a juneral pity an’ esteem fo’ him;——a foot-way crostin’ th’ church-yard close by th’ side o’ his grave,—not a passenger goes by wifout stoppin’ t’cast a look upon it,——an’ sighin’ as he walks on,
Alas, pore Y O ’ I C K ! Fry mah hide!
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CHAPPER XIII
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CHAP P . XI I I . I T is so long on account o’ th’ reader o’ this h’yar rhapsodical wawk has been parted fum th’ midwife, thet it is high time t’menshun her agin t’him, merely to put him in mind thet thar is sech a hide still in th’ wo’ld, an’ whom, upon th’ bess judgment ah can fo’m upon mah own plan at present,---ah’s gwine to intrydooce t’him fo’ fine an’ all: But as fresh matter mebbe started, an’ much unspecked business fall out betwixt th’ reader an’ mahse’f, which may require eemeejut dispatch; -----’twas right t’take care thet th’ pore woomin sh’d not be lost in th’ mean time;---on account o’ when she’s wanted, we can no way does wifout her. Ah reckons ah tole yo’ thet this h’yar fine woomin was a varmint o’ no small note an’ consequence throughout our whole village an’ township;---thet her fame had spread itse’f t’th’ mighty out-edge an’ circumference o’ thet circle o’ impo’tance, o’ which kind ev’ry soul livin’, whether he has a shirt t’his back o’ no,----has one surroun’in’ him;--which said circle, by th’ way, whenevah ’tis said thet sech a one is o’ great weight an’ impo’tance in the wo’ld,——ah desuhe mebbe inlarged o’ corntracked in yer wo’ship’s fancy, in a compoun’ ratio o’ th’ stashun, professhun, smarts, abilities, height an’ depph (measurin’ both ways) o’ th’ varmintage brought afore yo’. In th’ present case, eff’n ah remembers, ah fixed it about four o’ five miles, which not only comprehended th’ whole parish, but extended itse’f t’two o’ three o’ th’ adjacent hamlets in th’ skirts o’ th’ next parish; which made a cornsiderable thin’ o’ it. Ah muss add, Thet she was, mo’eovah, mighty fine looked on at one large grange-house, an’ some other odd houses an’ farms wifin two o’ three miles, as ah said, fum th’ smoke o’ her own chimney:----But ah muss h’yar, once fo’ all, info’m yo’, thet all this h’yar will
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be mo’e exackly delineated an’ explain’d in a map, now in th’ han’s o’ the engravah, which, wif menny other pieces an’ developements o’ this h’yar wawk, will be added t’th’ end o’ th’ twentieth voloom,---not t’sfine th’ wawk,——ah detesses th’ thunk o’ sech a thin’;——but by way o’ commentary, scholium, illestrashun, an’ key t’sech passages, incidents, o’ inuendos as shall be thunk t’be eifer o’ private interpretashun, o’ o’ dark o’ doubtful meanin’, af’er mah life an’ mah opinions shall haf been read on over, (now doesn’t fo’git th’ meanin’ o’ th’ wo’d) by all th’ wo’ld;--which, betwixt yo’ an’ me, an’ in spite o’ all th’ juntlemen-reviewers in Great Britain, an’ o’ all thet their wo’ships shall unnertake t’write o’ say t’th’ contrary,----Ah is determined shall be th’ case.——Ah needs not tell yer wo’ship, thet all this is spoke in cornfidence.
CHA P P . XI V. U P O N lookin’ into mah Mammy’s marriage settlement, in o’der t’satisfy mahse’f an’ reader in a point necessary t’be cleared up, afore we c’d proceed enny farther in this h’yar histo’y;---ah had th’ fine fo’tune t’pop upon th’ mighty thin’ ah wanted afore ah had read a day an’ a ha’f straight fo’wards,--it might haf taken me up a month;--which shews plainly, thet when a fella sits down t’write a histo’y,---tho’ it be but th’ histo’y o’ Chattanooga Hickathrif’ o’ Tom Thoomb, he knows no mo’e than his heels whut lets an’ cornfoun’ed hindrances he’s t’meet wif in his way,---o’ whut a dance he mebbe led, by one excurshun o’ t’other, afore all is on over. C’d a histo’iographer drive on his histo’y, as a muleteer drives on his mule,—straight fo’ward;----fo’ instance, fum Rome all th’ way t’Lo’etto, wifout evah once turnin’ his haid aside, eifer t’th’ right han’ o’ t’th’ lef’,—he might venture t’fo’etell
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yo’ t’an hour when he sh’d git t’his journey’s ind;-----but th’ thin’ is, mo’ally speakin’, impostible: Fo’, eff’n he’s a fella o’ th’ least spirit, he will haf fif’y deviashuns fum a straight line t’make wif this h’yar o’ thet party as he goes along, which he kin no ways avoid, cuss it all t’ tarnation. He will haf views an’ prospecks t’hisse’f perpetually solicitin’ his eye, which he kin no mo’e he’p stan’in’ still t’lookit than he kin fly; he will mo’eovah haf various Accounts t’reconcile: Anecdotes t’pick up: Inscripshuns t’make out: Sto’ies t’weave in: Tradishuns t’sif’: Varmintages t’call upon: Panegyricks t’paste up at this h’yar dore: Pasquinades at thet:——All which both th’ fella an’ his mule is quite exempp fum. To sum up all; thar is archives at ev’ry stage t’be look’d into, an’ rolls, reco’ds, docoomnts, an’ indless junealogies, which jestice evah an’ anon calls him back t’stay th’ readin’ o’:----In sho’t thar is no ind o’ it;-----fo’ mah own part, ah declares ah’ve been at it these six weeks, makin’ all th’ speed ah postibly c’d,—an’ is not yet born an’ raised: --ah’ve jest been able, an’ thass all, t’tell yo’ when it happen’d, but not how;---so thet yo’ see th’ thin’ is yet far fum bein’ accomplished, cuss it all t’ tarnation. These unfo’esee stoppages, which ah owns ah had no corncepshun o’ when ah fust sets out;---but which, ah’s cornvinced now, will rather increase than diminish as ah advances,---have struck out a hint which ah’s resolved t’foller;---an’ thet is,---not t’be in a helter-skelter;---but t’go on leisurely, writin’ an’ publishin’ two volooms o’ mah life ev’ry year;--which, eff’n ah’s suffered to go on quietly, an’ kin make a tolerable bargain wif mah bookseller, ah shall continue t’do as long as ah lives.
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CHAP P . XV. TH’ article in mah Mammy’s marriage-settlement, which ah tole th’ reader I was at th’ pains t’search fo’, an’ which, now thet ah’ve foun’ it, I reckon right t’lay afore him,—is so much mo’e fully express’d in the deed itse’f, than evah ah can pretend t’do it, thet it’d be barbarity to take it outta th’ lawyer’s han’:—It is as follers. No foolin’. “An’ this h’yar Indenture further witnesseth, Thet th’ said Walter Shan’y, merchant, in cornsiderashun o’ th’ said aimed marriage t’be had, an’, by God’s blessin’, t’be fine an’ truly solemnized an’ cornsummated between the said Walter Shan’y an’ Elizabeth Mollineux afo’esaid, an’ divahs other fine an’ valuable cuzs an’ cornsiderashuns him tharunto specially movin’,—doth grant, covenant, corndexcend, cornsent, cornclude, bargain, an’ fully agree t’an’ wif John-Boy Dixon, an’ James Turner, Esqrs. th’ above-named Trestees, &c. &c.— to wit,—Thet in case it sh’d h’yaraf’er so fall out, chance, happen, o’ otherwise come t’pass,—Thet th’ said Walter Shan’y, merchant, shall haf lef’ off business afore th’ time o’ times, thet the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, acco’din’ t’th’ course o’ nature, o’ otherwise, haf lef’ off barin’ an’ brin’in’ fo’th chillun;—an’ thet, in consequence o’ th’ said Walter Shan’y havin’ so lef’ off business, he shall in despight, an’ aginst th’ free-will, cornsent, an’ fine-likin’ o’ the said Elizabeth Mollineux,—make a departure fum th’ city o’ London, in o’der t’retire to, an’ dfine upon, his estate at Shan’y Hall, in the county o’———, o’ at enny other country-seat, castle, hall, manshun-house, messuage o’ graingi-house, now purchased, o’ h’yaraf’er t’be purchased, o’ upon enny part o’ parcel tharof:—Thet then, an’ as offen as th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen t’be inceint wif chile o’ chillun sevahally an’ lawfully begot, o’ t’be begotten, upon th’ body o’ th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux, durin’ her said covahture,——he th’
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said Walter Shan’y shall, at his own right cost an’ charges, an’ outta his own right monies, upon fine an’ reasonable notice, which is h’yarby agreed t’be wifin six weeks o’ her th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux’s full reckonin’, o’ time o’ supposed an’ computed delivery,—pay, o’ cuz t’be paid, th’ sum o’ one hundred an’ twenty poun’s o’ fine an’ lawful money, t’JohnBoy Dixon, an’ James Turner, Esqrs. o’ assigns,—upon T R E S T an’ cornfidence, an’ fo’ an’ unto th’ use an’ uses, intent, ind, an’ purpose follerin’:—Thet is t’say,—Thet th’ said sum o’ one hundred an’ twenty poun’s shall be paid into th’ han’s o’ th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux, o’ t’be otherwise applied by them th’ said Trestees, fo’ th’ fine an’ truly hirin’ o’ one coach, wif able an’ good ’nuff houn’dogs, t’carry an’ cornvey th’ body o’ th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux, an’ th’ chile o’ chillun which she shall be then an’ thar inceint an’ pregnant wif,—unto th’ city o’ London; an’ fo’ the further payin’ an’ defrayin’ o’ all other incidental costs, charges, an’ expences whutsoevah,—in an’ about, an’ fo’, an’ relatin’ to, her said aimed delivery an’ lyin’in, in th’ said city o’ suburbs tharof. An’ thet th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux shall an’ may, fum time t’time, an’ at all sech time an’ times as is har covenanted an’ agreed upon,—peaceably an’ quietly hire th’ said coach an’ houn’dogs, an’ haf free in’ress, egress, an’ regress throughout her journey, in an’ fum th’ said coach, acco’din’ to th’ teno’, true intent, an’ meanin’ o’ these presents, wifout enny let, sueyt, trouble, disturbance, molestashun, discharge, hinnerance, fo’feiture, evickshun, vexashun, interrupshun, o’ incumbrance whutsoevah.—An’ thet it shall mo’eovah be lawful t’an’ fo’ th’ said Elizabeth Mollineux, fum time to time, an’ as o’ o’ offen as she shall fine an’ truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, t’th’ time h’yartofo’e stipulated an’ agreed upon,—to live an’ reside in sech place o’ places, an’ in sech fambly o’ families, an’ wif sech relashuns, friends, an’ other varmints wifin th’ said city o’ London, as she at her own will an’ pleasure, notwifstan’in’
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her present covahture, an’ as eff’n she was a femme sole an’ unmarried up wif,—shall reckon fit.—“An’ this h’yar Indenture further witnesseth, Thet fo’ th’ mo’e effeckually carryin’ o’ th’ said covenant into execushun, th’ said Walter Shan’y, merchant, doth h’yarby grant, bargain, sell, release, an’ cornfirm unto the said John-Boy Dixon, an’ James Turner, Esqrs. their heirs, executo’s, an’ assigns, in their acshul postesshun now bein’, by virtue o’ an indenture o’ bargain an’ sale fo’ a year t’them th’ said John-Boy Dixon, an’ James Turner, Esqrs. by him th’ said Walter Shan’y, merchant, tharof made; which said bargain an’ sale fo’ a year, bars date th’ day next afore th’ date o’ these presents, an’ by fo’ce an’ virtue o’ th’ statute fo’ transferrin’ o’ uses into postesshun,———All thet th’ mano’ an’ lo’dship o’ Shan’y, in the county o’———, wif all th’ rights, members, an’ appurtenances tharof; an’ all an’ ev’ry th’ messuages, houses, buildin’s, barns, stables, o’chards, gardens, backsides, tof’s, crof’s, garths, cottages, lan’s, meadows, feedin’s, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, unnerwoods, drains, fisheries, waters, an’ water-courses;— togither wif all rents, revahshuns, services, annuities, feefarms, knights fees, views o’ frankpledge, excheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, fines an’ chattels o’ felons an’ fugitives, felons o’ themselves, an’ put in exijunt, deodan’s, free warrens, an’ all other royalties an’ seignio’ies, rights an’ jurisdickshuns, privileges an’ hyarditaments whutsoevah.——An’ also th’ advowson, donashun, presentashun, an’ free disposishun o’ th’ recko’y o’ parsonage o’ Shan’y afo’esaid, an’ all an’ ev’ry th’ tenths, tythes, glebe-lan’s”——In three wo’ds,——“Mah Mammy was t’lay in (ef she chose it) in London, as enny fool kin plainly see.” But in o’der t’put a stop t’th’ prackice o’ enny unfair play on th’ part o’ mah Mammy, which a marriage-article o’ this h’yar nature too manifestly opened a dore to, an’ which indeed had nevah been thunk o’ at all, but fo’ mah uncle
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Toby Shan’y;--a clause was added in security o’ mah Pappy which was this:—“Thet in case mah Mammy hyaraf’er sh’d, at enny time, put mah Pappy to th’ trouble an’ expence o’ a London journey, upon false cries an’ tokens;——thet fo’ ev’ry sech instance, she sh’d fo’feit all th’ right an’ title which th’ covenant gave her t’th’ next turn;——but t’no mo’e,--an’ so on, toties quoties, in as effeckual a manner, as eff’n sech a covenant betwixt them had not been made.”—This, by th’ way, was no mo’e than whut was reasonable;—an’ yet, as reasonable as it was, ah’ve evah thunk it hard thet th’ whole weight o’ th’ article sh’d haf fallen intirely, as it did, upon mahse’f. But ah was begot an’ born an’ raised t’misfo’tunes;—fo’ mah pore Mammy, whether it was wind o’ water,—o’ a compoun’ o’ both,—o’ neifer;----o’ whether it was simply th’ mere sfine o’ imaginashun an’ fancy in her;—o’ how far a strong wish an’ desuhe t’have it so, might mislead her judgment;—in sho’t, whether she was deceived o’ deceivin’ in this h’yar matter, it no way becomes me to decide. Th’ fack was this, Thet, in th’ latter ind o’ Seppember, 1717, which was th’ year afore ah was born an’ raised, mah Mammy havin’ carried mah Pappy up to town much aginst th’ grain,—he peremppo’ily insisted upon th’ clause;----so thet ah was doom’d, by marriage-articles, t’have mah nose squeez’d as flat t’mah face, as eff’n th’ destinies had acshully spun me wifout one. How this h’yar event came about,---an’ whut a train o’ vexatious disappointments, in one stage o’ other o’ mah life, haf pursued me fum th’ mere lost, o’ rather compresshun, o’ this h’yar one sin’le member,---shall be laid afore the reader all in due time.
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CHA P P . XVI . MA H Pappy, as enny hide may natcherly imagine, came down wif mah Mammy into th’ country, in but a pettish kind o’ a hoomour. Th’ fust twenty o’ five-an’-twenty miles he did nothin’ in th’ wo’ld but fret an’ teaze hisse’f, an’ indeed mah Mammy too, about th’ cursed expence, which he said might ev’ry shillin’ o’ it haf been saved;—then whut vexed him mo’e than ev’ry thin’ else was, th’ provokin’ time o’ th’ year,——which, as ah tole yo’, was towards th’ end o’ Seppember, when his wall-fruit an’ green gages especially, in which he was mighty curious, was jes’ ready fo’ pullin’:—— “Had he been whistled up t’London, upon a Tom Fool’s erran’, in enny other month o’ th’ whole year, he sh’d not haf said three wo’ds about it.” Fo’ th’ next two whole stages, no subjeck’d hoof it down, but th’ heavy blow he had sestain’d fum th’ lost o’ a son, whom it seems he had fully reckon’d upon in his mind, an’ register’d down in his pocket-book, as a second staff fo’ his old age, in case Billy Bob sh’d fail him, dawgone it. “The disappointment o’ this, he said, “was ten times mo’e t’a wise fella, than all th’ money which th’ journey, &c. had cost him, put togither,---rot the hundred an’ twenty poun’s,——he did not mind it a rush.” Fum Stilton, all th’ way t’Grantham, nothin’ in th’ whole affair provoked him so much as th’ condolences o’ his frien’s, an’ th’ foolish figger they sh’d both make at church, th’ fust Sunday;——o’ which, in th’ satirical vehemence o’ his wit, now sharpen’d a li’l by vexashun, he’d give so menny hoomrus an’ provokin’ dexcripshuns,---an’ place his rib an’ se’f in so menny to’mentin’ lights an’ attitudes in th’ face o’ th’ whole congregashun;---thet mah Mammy declared, these two stages was so truly tragi-comical, thet she did nothin’ but laugh an’ cry in a breath, fum one end t’t’other o’ them all th’
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way, good hevvins. Fum Grantham, till they had crost’d th’ Trent, mah Pappy was outta all kind o’ patience at th’ vile trick an’ imposishun which he fancied mah Mammy had put upon him in this h’yar affair.---“Sartinly,’ he’d say to hisse’f, on over an’ on over agin, “th’ woomin c’d not be deceived herse’f——ef she c’d,———whut weakness!”——to’mentin’ wo’d! Fry mah hide! which led his imaginashun a tho’ny dance, an’, afore all was on over, play’d th’ dooce an’ all wif him;——fo’ sho’nuff as evah th’ wo’d weakness was uttered, an’ struck full upon his brain,—so sho’nuff it set him upon runnin’ divishuns upon how menny kinds o’ weaknesses thar was;——thet thar was sech a thin’ as weakness o’ the body,——as fine as weakness o’ th’ mind,----an’ then he’d does nothin’ but syllogize wifin hisse’f fo’ a stage o’ two togither, How far th’ cuz o’ all these vexashuns might, o’ might not, haf arisen outta hisse’f. In sho’t, he had so menny li’l subjecks o’ disquietude sprin’in’ outta this one affair, all frettin’ successively in his mind as they rose up in it, thet mah Mammy, whutevah was her journey up, had but an uneasy journey o’ it down, as enny fool kin plainly see.——In a wo’d, as she complained t’mah uncle Toby, he’d have tired out th’ patience o’ enny flesh alive.
CHA P P . XVI I . T H ough mah Pappy travelled homewards, as ah tole yo’, in none o’ th’ bess o’ moods,---pshawin’ an’ pishin’ all th’ way down,----yet he had th’ complaisance to keep th’ wo’st part o’ th’ sto’y still t’hisse’f;—which was the resolushun he had taken o’ doin’ hisse’f th’ jestice, which mah uncle Toby’s clause in th’ marriage-settlement empow’ed him; no’ was it till th’ mighty night in which ah was begot, which was thirteen
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months af’er, thet she had th’ least intimashun o’ his design; ---when mah Pappy, happenin’, as yo’ remember, t’be a li’l chagrin’d an’ outta temper,——took occashun as they lay chattin’ gravely in bed af’erwards, talkin’ on over whut was to come,——to let her knows thet she muss accommodate herse’f as fine as she c’d t’th’ bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds; which was to lye-in o’ her next chile in th’ country, t’balance th’ last year’s journey. Mah Pappy was a juntleman o’ menny virtues,—but he had a strong spice o’ thet in his temper, which might, o’ might not, add t’th’ number.----’Tis known by th’ name o’ persevahance in a fine cuz,—an’ o’ obstinacy in a bad one: O’ this h’yar mah Mammy had so much smarts, thet she knowed ’twas to no purpose t’make enny remonstrance,—so she e’en resolved t’set down quietly, an’ make the dawgoned-est o’ it.
CHAP P . X VI I I . A S th’ point was thet night agreed, o’ rather determined, thet mah Mammy sh’d lye-in o’ me in th’ country, she took her measures acco’din’ly; fo’ which purpose, when she was three days, o’ tharabouts, gone wif chile, she began t’cast her eyes upon th’ midwife, whom yo’ haf so offen heerd me menshun; an’ afore th’ week was fine got roun’, as th’ famous Dr. Mannin’ham was not t’be had, she had come t’a final determinashun in her mind,——notwifstan’in’ thar was a scientifick operato’ wifin so near a call as eight miles o’ us, an’ who, mo’eovah, had expressly wrote a five shillin’s book upon th’ subjeck o’ midwifery, in which he had exposed, not only th’ blunners o’ th’ sisterhood itse’f,——but had likewise super-added menny curious improvements fo’ th’ quicker extryckshun o’ th’ foetus in crost births, an’ some
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other cases o’ danger, which belay us in gittin’ into the wo’ld; notwifstan’in’ all this, mah Mammy, ah says, was absolutely determined t’trest her life, an’ mine wif it, into no soul’s han’ but this old woomin’s only.—Now this h’yar ah likes;—when we cain’t git at th’ mighty thin’ we wish,-----nevah t’take up wif th’ next bess in degree t’it;---no; thass pitiful beyond dexcripshun;—it is no mo’e than a week fum this mighty day, in which ah’s now writin’ this h’yar book fo’ th’ edificashun o’ the wo’ld;---which is March 9, 1759,——thet mah dear, dear Daisy, observin’ I looked a li’l grave, as she stood cheapenin’ a silk o’ five-an’-twenty shillin’s a yard,—tole th’ mercer, she was so’ry she had given him so much trouble;—an’ eemeejutly went an’ bought herse’f a yard-wide stuff o’ tenpence a yard, cuss it all t’ tarnation.—’Tis th’ dooplycashun o’ one an’ th’ same greatness o’ soul; only whut lessened th’ honour o’ it, somewhut, in mah Mammy’s case, was, thet she c’d not heroine it into so violent an’ hazarjus an extreme, as one in her situashun might haf wished, on account o’ th’ old midwife had pow’ful some li’l claim t’be depended upon,—as much, at least, as success c’d give her; havin’, in th’ course o’ her prackice o’ near twenty years in the parish, brought ev’ry Mammy’s son o’ them into th’ wo’ld wifout enny one slip o’ accident which c’d fairly be laid t’her account. These facks, tho’ they had their weight, yet did not altogither satisfy some few scruples an’ uneasinesses which hung upon mah Pappy’s spirits in relashun t’this choice.— To say nothin’ o’ th’ natural wawkin’s o’ hoominity an’ jestice,—o’ o’ th’ yarnin’s o’ parental an’ cornnubial love, all which prompped him t’leave as li’l t’hazard as postible in a case o’ this h’yar kind;——he felt hisse’f corncerned in a particular manner, thet all sh’d hoof it right in th’ present case;—fum th’ accumulated so’row he lay open to, sh’d enny evil betide his wife an’ chile in lyin’-in at Shan’y-Hall, ah reckons.——He knowed th’ wo’ld judged by events, an’d add
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t’his afflickshuns in sech a misfo’tune, by loadin’ him wif th’ whole blame o’ it.——“Alas o’day!—had Mrs. Shan’y, pore juntlewoomin! Fry mah hide! had but her wish in gwine up to town jest t’lye-in an’ come down agin;---which they say, she begged an’ prayed fo’ upon her bare knees, ——an’ which, in mah opinion, cornsiderin’ the fo’tune which Mr. Shan’y got wif her,—was no sech mighty matter t’have complied wif, th’ lady an’ her babe might both o’ them haf been alive at this hour.” This h’yar exclamashun, mah Pappy knowed, was unanswerable;----an’ yet, it was not merely t’shelter hisse’f,— no’ was it altogither fo’ th’ care o’ his offsprin’ an’ wife thet he seemed so extremely anxious about this h’yar point;—mah Pappy had extensive views o’ thin’s,——an’ stood mo’eovah, as he thunk, deeply corncerned in it fo’ th’ publick fine, fum th’ dread he entertained o’ th’ bad uses an ill-fated instance might be put to. He was mighty sensible thet all political writers upon th’ subjeck had unanimously agreed an’ lamented, fum th’ beginnin’ o’ Queen Elizabeth’s reign down t’his own time, thet th’ current o’ min an’ money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous erran’ o’ t’other,—set in so strong,—as to become dangerous t’our civil rights;—though, by th’ goo’bye,——a current was not th’ image he took most delight in,--a distemper was h’yar his favourite metapho’, an’ he’d helter-skelter it down into a puffick allego’y, by maintainin’ it was identically th’ same in th’ body nashunal as in th’ body natural, whar th’ blood an’ spirits was driven up into th’ haid faster than they c’d find their ways down;——a stoppage o’ circulashun muss insue, which was daith in both cases. Thar was li’l danger, he’d say, o’ losin’ our liberties by French politicks o’ French invashuns;——no’ was he so much in pain o’ a cornsumpshun fum th’ mass o’ co’rupped matter an’ ulcerated hoomours in our consteetooshun, which he
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hoped was not so bad as it was imagined;—but he vahily feared, thet in some violent push, we sh’d hoof it off, all at once, in a state-apoplexy;—an’ then he’d say, Th’ Lo’d haf mercy upon us all, ah reckons. Mah Pappy was nevah able t’give th’ histo’y o’ this h’yar distemper,---wifout th’ remedy along wif it. “Was ah an absolute prince,’ he’d say, pullin’ up his breeches wif both his han’s, as he rose fum his arm-chair, “ah w’d appoint able judges, at ev’ry avenue o’ mah metropolis, who sh’d take cognizance o’ ev’ry fool’s business who came thar;---an’ eff’n, upon a fair an’ kindid heerin’, it appeared not o’ weight good ’nuff t’leave his own home, an’ come up, bag an’ baggage, wif his wife an’ chillun, farmer’s sons, &c. &c. at his backside, they sh’d be all sent back, fum cornstable t’constable, like vagrants as they was, t’th’ place o’ their legal settlements. By this means ah shall take care, thet mah metropolis totter’d not thro’ its own weight;—thet th’ haid be no longer too trimenjus fo’ th’ body;---thet the extremes, now wasted an’ pinn’d in, be resto’ed t’their due share o’ nourishment, an’ regain wif it their natural stren’th an’ booty: --ah w’d effeckually provide, Thet th’ meadows an’ co’n fields o’ mah dominions, sh’d laugh an’ sin’;—thet fine chear an’ horspitality flourish once mo’e;—an’ thet sech weight an’ influence be put tharby into th’ han’s o’ th’ Squirality o’ mah kin’dom, as sh’d counterpoise whut ah perceives mah Nobility is now takin’ fum them, dawgone it. “Whuffo’ is thar so few palaces an’ juntlemen’s seats,’ he’d ax, wif some emoshun, as he walked acrost th’ room, “throughout so menny delicious provinces in France? Whence is it thet th’ few remainin’ Chateaus amongst them is so dismantled,—so unfurnished, an’ in so ruinous an’ desolate a condishun?—On account o’, Suh’ (he’d say) “in thet kin’dom no fella has enny country-interess to suppo’t;---th’ li’l interess o’ enny kind which enny fella has enny whar in it, is
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corncentrated in th’ court, an’ th’ looks o’ the Gran’ Monarch; by th’ sun-shine o’ whose countenance, o’ th’ clouds which pass a-crost it, ev’ry French fella lives o’ dies.” T’other political reason which prompped mah Pappy so strongly t’guard aginst th’ least evil accident in mah Mammy’s lyin’-in in th’ country,——was, Thet enny sech instance’d infallibly throw a balance o’ pow’, too great awready, into th’ weaker vessels o’ th’ juntry, in his own, o’ higher stashuns;----which, wif th’ menny other usurped rights which thet part o’ the consteetooshun was hourly establishin’,—w’d, in th’ end, prove fatal to th’ monarchical system o’ domestick govment established in th’ fust creashun o’ thin’s by God, cuss it all t’ tarnation. In this h’yar point he was intirely o’ Suh Billy Bob Filmer’s opinion, Thet the plans an’ insteetooshuns o’ th’ greatess monarchies in th’ eastern parts o’ th’ wo’ld, was, origeenally, all stolen fum thet admirable pattern an’ prototype o’ this h’yar houshold an’ paternal pow’;---which, fo’ a century, he said, an’ mo’e, had grajoolly been dejuneratin’ away into a mix’d govment;——th’ fo’m o’ which, howevah desuhable in great combinashuns o’ th’ species,——was mighty troublesome in small ones,——an’ seldom prodooced enny thin’, thet he sar, but so’row an’ cornfushun. Fo’ all these reasons, private an’ publick, put togither,— mah Pappy was fo’ havin’ th’ fella-midwife by all means,--mah Mammy, by no means. Mah Pappy begg’d an’ intreated, she’d fo’ once recede fum her prerogative in this h’yar matter, an’ suffer him t’choose fo’ her;—mah Mammy, on the contrary, insisted upon her privilege in this h’yar matter, t’choose fo’ herse’f,—an’ haf no mo’tal’s he’p but th’ old woomin’s.—Whut in tarnation c’d mah Pappy do? He was almost at his wit’s ind;——talked it on over wif her in all moods;—placed his argoomnts in all lights;—argued th’ matter wif her like a christian,—like a heathen,—like a
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husbin,—like a Pappy,—like a patriot,—like a fella:—Mah Mammy answered ev’ry thin’ only like a woomin; which was a li’l hard upon her;—fo’ as she c’d not assoom an’ fight it out behind sech a variety o’ chareeckers,—’twas no fair match;—’twas seven to one.—Whut in tarnation c’d mah Mammy do?——She had th’ advantage (otherwise she had been sartinly on overpow’ed) o’ a small reinfo’cement o’ chagrin varmintal at th’ bottom, which bo’e her up, an’ inabled her t’dispute th’ affair wif mah Pappy wif so equal an advantage,——thet both sides sung Te Deum, dawgone it. In a wo’d, mah Mammy was t’have th’ old woomin,—an’ th’ operato’ was t’have licence t’six pack a bottle o’ likker wif mah Pappy an’ mah uncle Toby Shan’y in th’ back parlour,— fo’ which he was t’be paid five guineas. Ah muss beg leave, afore ah finishes this h’yar chapper, t’enter a caveat in the breast o’ mah fair reader;—an’ it is this:——Not t’take it absolutely fo’ granted, fum an unguarded wo’d o’ two which ah’ve dropp’d in it,——“Thet ah is a married up wif fella, as enny fool kin plainly see.”--Ah owns, th’ tenner appellashun o’ mah dear, dear Daisy,---wif some other strokes o’ cornjugal smarts, interspersed h’yar an’ thar, might, natcherly inough, haf misled the dawgonedest kindid judge in th’ wo’ld into sech a determinashun aginst me.---All ah pleads fo’, in this h’yar case, Madam, is strick jestice, an’ thet yo’ does so much o’ it, t’me as fine as to yo’seff,—as not t’prejudge, o’ receive sech an impresshun o’ me, till yo’ haf better evidence, than, ah’s positive, at present kin be prodooced aginst me.---Not thet ah can be so vain o’ unreasonable, Madam, as t’desuhe yo’ sh’d tharfo’e reckon, thet mah dear, dear Daisy is mah kepp mistress;—no,—thet’d be flatterin’ mah chareecker in t’other extreme, an’ givin’ it an air o’ freedom, which, perhaps, it has no kind o’ right to. All I contend fo’, is th’ utter impostibility, fo’ some volooms, thet yo’, o’ the most penetratin’ spirit upon earth, sh’d knows
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how this h’yar matter pow’ful stan’s.----It is not impostible, but thet mah dear, dear Daisy! Fry mah hide! tenner as the appellashun is, mebbe mah chile.——Consider,—ah was born an’ raised in th’ year eighteen, as enny fool kin plainly see.—No’ is thar enny thin’ unnatural o’ extryvagant in the supposishun, thet mah dear Daisy mebbe mah friend, cuss it all t’ tarnation.——Friend! Fry mah hide!—Mah friend, cuss it all t’ tarnation.—Sho’ly, Madam, a friendship between th’ two sexes may subsist, an’ be suppo’ted wifout———Fy! Fry mah hide! Mr. Shan’y:—Wifout enny thin’, Madam, but thet tenner an’ delicious sentiment which evah mixes in friendship, whar thar is a difference o’ sex. Lemme intreatcha t’study th’ pure an’ sentimental parts o’ th’ bess French Romances;——it will pow’ful, Madam, astonish yo’ t’see wif whut a variety o’ chaste expresshuns this delicious sentiment, which ah’ve th’ honour t’speak o’, is dress’d out.
CHAP P . XI X. A H W’d sooner unnertake t’explain th’ hardess problem in Geometry, than pretend t’account fo’ it, thet a juntleman o’ mah Pappy’s great fine sense,——knowin’, as th’ reader muss haf obsarved him, an’ curious too in philosophy,--wise also in political reasonin’,—an’ in polemical (as he will find) no way iggorant,---c’d be capable o’ intertainin’ a noshun in his haid, so outta th’ common track,---thet ah fears th’ reader, when ah comes to menshun it t’him, eff’n he’s th’ least o’ a cholerick temper, will immediatly throw th’ book by; eff’n mercurial, he will laugh most heartily at it;—an’ eff’n he’s o’ a grave an’ saturnine cast, he will, at fust sight, absolutely corndemn as fanciful an’ extryvagant; an’ thet was in respeck to th’ choice an’ imposishun o’ Christian names, on which he thunk a great
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deal mo’e depended than whut superficial minds was capable o’ cornceivin’. His opinion, in this h’yar matter, was, Thet thar was a peekoolyar kind o’ magick bias, which fine o’ bad names, as he called them, irresistibly impressed upon our chareeckers an’ cornduck. Th’ Hero o’ Cervantes argued not th’ point wif mo’e seriousness,----no’ had he mo’e faif,----o’ mo’e t’say on th’ pow’s o’ Necromancy in dishonourin’ his deeds,—o’ on D U L C I N E A ’ s name, in sheddin’ lestre upon them, than mah Pappy had on them o’ T R I S M E G I S T U S o’ A R C H I M E D E S , on th’ one han’,—o’ o’ N Y K Y an’ S I M K I N on t’other. How menny C Æ S A R S an’ P O M P E Y S , he’d say, by mere inspirashun o’ th’ names, haf been rennered wo’thy o’ them? An’ how menny, he’d add, is thar, who might haf done exceedin’ fine in th’ wo’ld, had not their chareeckers an’ spirits been mighty depressed an’ N I C O D E M O O S ’ D into nothin’. Ah sees plainly, Suh, by yer looks, (o’ as th’ case happened) mah Pappy w’d say,—thet yo’ does not heartily subscribe t’this opinion o’ mine,—which, t’them, he’d add, who haf not carefully sif’ed it t’the bottom,—ah owns has an air mo’e o’ fancy than o’ solid reasonin’ in it;----an’ yet, mah dear Suh, eff’n ah may presoom t’knows yer chareecker, ah’s mo’ally assured, ah sh’d hazard li’l in statin’ a case t’yo’,--not as a party in th’ dispute,—but as a judge, an’ trestin’ mah appeal upon it t’yer own fine sense an’ kindid disquisishun in this h’yar matter;——yer a varmint free fum as menny narrow prejudices o’ ejoocayshun as most men;—an’, eff’n ah may presoom t’penetrate farther into yo’,—o’ a liberality o’ junius above barin’ down an opinion, merely on account o’ it be hankerin’ friends. Yer son!---yer dear son,---fum whose sweet an’ open temper yo’ haf so much t’speck.—Yer B I L L Y J O E , Suh! Fry mah hide!—w’d yo’, fo’ th’ wo’ld, haf called him J U D A S ?—W’d yo’, mah dear Suh, he’d say, layin’
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his han’ upon yer breast, wif the junteeless address,---an’ in thet sof’ an’ irresistible piano o’ voice, which th’ nature o’ th’ argoomntum ad hominem absolutely requires,—W’d yo’, Suh, eff’n a Jew o’ a godPappy had proposed th’ name fo’ yer chile, an’ offered yo’ his purse along wif it,’d yo’ haf consented t’sech a desecrashun o’ him?——O mah God! Fry mah hide! he’d say, lookin’ up, eff’n ah knows yer temper right, Suh, ---yer incapable o’ it;——yo’d haf trampled upon th’ offer; ---yo’d haf thrown th’ temppashun at th’ tempper’s haid wif abho’rence. Yer greatness o’ mind in this h’yar ackshun, which ah admires, wif thet junerous contempp o’ money, which yo’ shew me in th’ whole transackshun, is pow’ful noble;---an’ whut renners it mo’e so, is th’ principle o’ it;---th’ wawkin’s o’ a parent’s love upon th’ truth an’ cornvickshun o’ this h’yar mighty hypothesis, namely, Thet was yer son called J U D A S ,--th’ fo’bid an’ tretcherous idea, so insepareeble fum th’ name,’d haf accompanied him through life like his shadow, an’, in th’ end, made a mizzu an’ a rascal o’ him, in spite, Suh, o’ yer example. Ah nevah knowed a fella able t’answer this h’yar argoomnt. ——But, indeed, t’speak o’ mah Pappy as he was;—he was sartinly irresistible, both in his o’ashuns an’ dispeetayshuns;—he was born an’ raised an o’ato’;— Theodídaktos.—Persuashun hung upon his lips, an’ th’ elements o’ Logick an’ Rheto’ick was so blended up in him,—an’, wifal, he had so shrewd a guess at th’ weaknesses an’ passhuns o’ his respondent,——thet N A T U R E might haf stood up an’ said,—“This h’yar fella is eloquent.” In sho’t, whether he was on th’ weak o’ th’ strong side o’ the quesshun, ’twas hazarjus in eifer case t’attack him, dawgone it:—An’ yet, ’tis peekoolyar, he had nevah read Cicero, no’ Quintilian de Orato’e, no’ Isocrates, no’ Aristotle, no’ Longinus, amongst th’ antients;——no’ Vostius, no’ Skioppius, no’
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Ramoos, no’ Farnaby, amongst th’ moderns;—an’ whut is mo’e astonishin’, he had nevah in his whole life th’ least light o’ spark o’ subtilty struck into his mind, by one sin’le leckure upon Crackentho’p o’ Burgersdicius, o’ enny Dutch logician o’ commentato’;—he knowed not so much as in whut th’ difference o’ an argoomnt ad iggo’antiam, an’ an argoomnt ad hominem cornsisted; so thet ah fine remembers, when he went up along wif me to inter mah name at Jesus College in * * * *, as enny fool kin plainly see,—it was a matter o’ jest wonner wif mah wo’thy tuto’, an’ two o’ three fellers o’ thet larned sassiety, ---thet a fella who knowed not so much as th’ names o’ his tools, sh’d be able to wawk af’er thet fashion wif them, dawgone it. To wawk wif them in th’ bess manner he c’d, was whut mah Pappy was, howevah, perpetually fo’ced upon;——fo’ he had a thousan’ li’l sceppical noshuns o’ th’ comick kind t’defend,——most o’ which noshuns, ah vahily believes, at fust intered upon th’ footin’ o’ mere whims, an’ o’ a vive la Bagatelle; an’ as sech he’d make merry wif them fo’ ha’f an hour o’ so, an’ havin’ sharpened his wit upon them, dismiss them till t’other day. Ah menshuns this, not only as matter o’ hypothesis o’ cornjeckure upon the progress an’ establishment o’ mah Pappy’s menny odd opinions,--but as a warnin’ t’th’ larned reader aginst th’ indiscreet recepshun o’ sech guests, who, af’er a free an’ undisturbed intrance, fo’ some years, into our brains,—at len’th claim a kind o’ settlement thar,—— wawkin’ sometimes like yeast;—but mo’e junerally af’er th’ manner o’ th’ juntle passhun, beginnin’ in jest,—but indin’ in downright arnest. Whether this h’yar was th’ case o’ th’ sin’ularity o’ mah Pappy’s noshuns,—o’ thet his judgment, at len’th, became th’ dupe o’ his wit;—o’ how far, in menny o’ his noshuns, he might, though odd, be absolutely right;——the reader,
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as he comes at them, shall decide. All thet ah maintains h’yar, is, thet in this h’yar one, o’ th’ influence o’ Christian names, howevah it gained footin’, he was serious;—he was all unifo’mity;—he was systematical, an’, like all systematic reasoners, he’d move both hevvin an’ earth, an’ twist an’ to’ture ev’ry thin’ in nature t’suppo’t his hypothesis. In a wo’d ah repeats it on over agin;—he was serious;—an’, in cornsequence o’ it, he’d lose all kind o’ patience whenevah he sar varmints, especially o’ condishun, who sh’d haf known better,——as careless an’ as indiffrunt about th’ name they imposed upon their chile,—o’ mo’e so, than in the choice o’ Ponto o’ Cupid fo’ their houn’dog-houn’dog. This, he’d say, look’d ill;—an’ had, mo’eovah, this h’yar particular aggravashun in it, viz. Thet when once a vile name was wrongfully o’ injudiciously given, ’twas not like th’ case o’ a fella’s chareecker, which, when wrong’d, might hyaraf’er be cleared;——an’, postibly, some time o’ other, eff’n not in th’ fella’s life, at least af’er his daith,—be, somehow o’ other, set t’rights wif th’ wo’ld: But th’ injury o’ this, he’d say, c’d nevah be undone;---nay, he doubted even whether an ack o’ parliament c’d retch it:——He knowed as fine as yo’, thet th’ legislature assoomd a pow’ on over surnames;—but fo’ mighty strong reasons, which he c’d give, it had nevah yet adventured, he’d say, t’go a step farther. It was observable, thet tho’ mah Pappy, in cornsequence o’ this h’yar opinion, had, as ah’ve tole yo’, th’ strongess likin’s an’ dislikin’s towards sartin names;—thet thar was still numbers o’ names which hung so equally in th’ balance afore him, thet they was absolutely indiffrunt to him, dawgone it. Chattanooga, Dick, an’ Tom was o’ this h’yar class: These mah Pappy called neutral names;—affirmin’ o’ them, wifout a satire, Thet thar had been as menny knaves an’ fools, at least, as wise an’ fine men, on account o’ th’ wo’ld began, who had indiffruntly borne them;---so thet, like equal fo’ces ackin’
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aginst etch other in corntrary direckshuns, he thunk they mutually destroyed etch other’s effecks; fo’ which reason, he’d offen declare, He’d not give a cherry-stone t’choose amongst them, dawgone it. Bob, which was mah brother’s name, was t’other o’ these neutral kinds o’ Christian names, which operated mighty li’l eifer way; an’ as mah Pappy happen’d t’be at Epsom, when it was given him,--he’d o’-times thank Hevvin it was no wo’se. Colonel Bob was sumpin like a negative quantity in Algebra wif him;---’twas wo’se, he said, than nothin’.---Billy Joe stood purdy high:-----Numps agin was low wif him;--an’ Nick, he said, was th’ D E V I L , ah reckons. But o’ all names in th’ unyverse he had the dawgonedest unconquerable avahshun fo’ T R I S T R A M ;---he had th’ lowess an’ most corntemppible opinion o’ it o’ enny thin’ in th’ wo’ld,---reckonin’ it c’d postibly prodooce nothin’ in rerum naturâ, but whut was extremely mean an’ pitiful: So thet in th’ midst o’ a dispute on th’ subjeck, in which, by th’ goo’bye, he was frequently involved,-----he’d sometimes bust off in a sudden an’ spirited E P I P H O N E M A , o’ rather E R O T E S I S , raised a third, an’ sometimes a full fif’h above th’ key o’ the discourse,——an’ deman’ it catego’ically o’ his antagonist, Whether he’d take upon him t’say, he had evah remembered,----whether he had evah read,--o’ even whether he had evah heerd tell o’ a fella, called Tristram, perfo’min’ enny thin’ great o’ wo’th reco’din’?—No---, he’d say,---T R I S T R A M ! F R Y M A H H I D E ! ---Th’ thin’ is impostible. Whut in tarnation c’d be wantin’ in mah Pappy but t’have wrote a book t’publish this noshun o’ his t’th’ wo’ld? Li’l boots it t’th’ subtle speculatist to stan’ sin’le in his opinions, ----unless he gives them right vent:---It was th’ identical thin’ which mah Pappy did;—fo’ in th’ year sixteen, which was two years afore ah was born an’ raised, he was at th’ pains o’ writin’ an express D I S S E R T A S H U N simply upon th’ wo’d Tristram,—shewin’ th’ wo’ld, wif great can’our an’ modesty,
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th’ groun’s o’ his great abho’rence t’th’ name. When this h’yar sto’y is compared wif th’ title-page,---Will not th’ juntle reader pity mah Pappy fum his soul?----to see an o’derly an’ fine-disposed juntleman, who tho’ sin’ular,—yet inoffensive in his noshuns,—so played upon in them by crost purposes;——to look down upon th’ stage, an’ see him baffled an’ on overthrown in all his li’l systems an’ wishes; t’behold a train o’ events perpetually fallin’ out aginst him, an’ in so critical an’ crool a way, as eff’n they had purposedly been plann’d an’ pointed aginst him, merely t’insult his speculashuns.——In a wo’d, t’behold sech a one, in his old age, ill-fitted fo’ troubles, ten times in a day sufferin’ so’row;—ten times in a day callin’ th’ chile o’ his prayers T R I S T R A M ! F R Y M A H H I D E ! ——Melancholy dissyllable o’ soun’! Fry mah hide! which, t’his ears, was unison to Nincompoop, an’ ev’ry name vituperative unner hevvin. ——By his ashes! I swears it,—ef evah malignant spirit took pleasure, o’ busied itse’f in travahsin’ th’ purposes o’ mo’tal fella,---it muss haf been h’yar;---an’ eff’n it was not necessary ah sh’d be born an’ raised afore ah was chrissened, ah w’d this moment gives th’ reader an account o’ it.
CHAP P . XX. ———How c’d yo’, Madam, be so inattentive in readin’ th’ last chapper? I tole yo’ in it, Thet mah Mammy was not a papist.——Papist! Fry mah hide! Yo’ tole me no sech thin’, Suh.--Madam, ah beg leave t’repeat it on over agin, thet ah tole yo’ as plain, at least, as wo’ds, by direck inference, c’d tell yo’ sech a thin’.—Then, Suh, ah muss haf miss’d a page.--No, Madam,—yo’ haf not miss’d a wo’d, cuss it all t’ tarnation. ——Then ah was asleep, Suh.—Mah pride, Madam, cain’t
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aller yo’ thet refuge.——Then, ah declares, ah knows nothin’ at all about th’ matter.—Thet, Madam, is th’ mighty fault ah lays t’yer charge; an’ as a punishment fo’ it, ah does insist upon it, thet yo’ eemeejutly turn back, thet is as soon as yo’ git t’th’ next full stop, an’ read th’ whole chapper on over agin. Ah’ve imposed this h’yar penance upon th’ lady, neifer outta wantonness no’ cruelty, but fum th’ bess o’ motives; an’ tharfo’e shall make her no apology fo’ it when she returns back:—’Tis t’rebuke a vicious taste, which has crepp into thousan’s besides herse’f,—o’ readin’ straight fo’wards, mo’e in quess o’ th’ adventures, than o’ th’ deep erudishun an’ smarts which a book o’ this h’yar cast, eff’n read on over as it sh’d be,’d infallibly impart wif them.——Th’ mind sh’d be accestomed t’make wise refleckshuns, an’ draw curious cornclushuns as it goes along; th’ habitude o’ which made Pliny th’ yo’nger affirm, “Thet he nevah read a book so bad, but he drew some profit fum it.” Th’ sto’ies o’ Greece an’ Rome, helter-skelter ovah wifout this h’yar turn an’ applicashun,— do less service, ah affirms it, than the histo’y o’ Parismoos an’ Parismenus, o’ o’ th’ Seven Champions o’ Englan’, read wif it. ———But h’yar comes mah fair Lady. Have yo’ read on over agin th’ chapper, Madam, as ah desuhed yo’?—Yo’ have: An’ did yo’ not obsarve th’ passage, upon th’ second readin’, which admits th’ inference?——Not a wo’d like it! Fry mah hide! Then, Madam, be pleased t’ponner fine th’ last line but one o’ the chapper, whar ah takes upon me t’say, “It was necessary ah sh’d be born an’ raised afore ah was chrissen’d, cuss it all t’ tarnation.” Had mah Mammy, Madam, been a Papist, thet consequence did not foller.* *Th’ Romish Rituals direck th’ bappizin’ of th’ chile, in cases of danger, befo’e it is born an’ raised;—but upon this h’yar proviso, Thet some part o’ other of th’ chile’s hide be see by th’ bappizer:——But th’ Docko’s of th’ So’bonne, by a deliberashun held amongst them, April 10, 1733,—have inlarged th’ powers of th’ midwives, by determinin’, Thet though no part of th’ chile’s hide sh’d appear,—— thet bappism shall, nevahtheless, be administered t’it by injeckshun,—par le moyen
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It is terrible misfo’tune fo’ this h’yar same book o’ mine, but mo’e so t’the Republick o’ Letters;—so thet mah own is quite swallered up in the considerashun o’ it,--thet this h’yar se’f-same vile pruriency fo’ fresh adventures in all thin’s, has got so strongly into our habit an’ hoomour,—an’ so wholly intent is we upon satisfyin’ th’ impatience o’ our concupiscence thet way,—thet nothin’ but th’ grost an’ mo’e carnal parts o’ a composishun will hoof it down:—Th’ subtle hints an’ sly communicashuns o’ science fly off, like spirits upwards;——th’ heavy mo’al excapes downwards; an’ both th’ one an’ t’other is as much lost t’th’ wo’ld, as eff’n they was still lef’ in th’ bottom o’ th’ ink-ho’n, as enny fool kin plainly see. Ah wishes th’ male-reader has not pass’d by menny a one, as quaint an’ curious as this h’yar one, in which th’ female o’ th’ opposite sex-reader has been detecked, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Ah wishes it may have its effecks;—an’ thet all fine varmints, both male an’ female o’ th’ opposite sex, fum example, mebbe taught t’reckon as fine as read, cuss it all t’ tarnation.
d’une petite kinulle.—Anglicé, a squirt.——’Tis mighty peekoolyar thet St. Abijah Aquinas, who had so fine a mechanical haid, both fo’ tyin’ an’ untyin’ the knots of skoo-divinity,—sh’d, af’er so much pains bestowed upon this,—give up th’ point at last, as a second La chose impostible;—“Infantes in maternis uteris exissentes (quoth St. Abijah!) bappizari postunt nullo modo.”—O Abijah! Abijah! Eff’n th’ reader has th’ curiosity t’see the quesshun upon bappism, by injeckshun, as presented t’th’ Docko’s of the So’bonne,—wif their cornsultashun tharupon, it is as follers.
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M E M O I R E presente a Messuhs les Dockeurs de S O ’ B O N N E *. U N Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente a Messuhs les Dockeurs de So’bonne, qu’il y a des cas, quoique tres-rares, ou une mere ne scauroit accoucher, & meme ou l’enfant ess tellement renferme dans le sein de sa mere, qu’il ne fait paroitre aucune partie de son co’ps, ce qui seroit un cas, sueyvant les Rituels, de lui cornferer, du moins sous corndishun, le bappeme. Le chirurgien, qui cornsulte, pretend, par le moyen d’une petite kinulle, de pouvoir bappizzu eemeejutment l’enfant, sans faire aucun to’t a la mere.——Il deman’ si ce moyen, qu’il vient de proposer, ess permis & legitime, & s’il peut s’en servir dans les cas qu’il vient d’exposer.
R E P O NS E. L E Conseil estime, que la quesshun proposee souffre de gran’es difficultes. Les Theologiens posent d’un cote pour principe, que le bappeme, qui ess une naissance spirituelle, s’pose une premiere naissance; il faut etre ne dans le monde, pour renaitre in Jesus Jedt, comme ils l’enseignent. S. Thomas, 3 part. quaest. 88 artic. II. sueyt cette dockrine comme une vahite constante; l’on ne peut, dit ce S. Dockeur, bappizzu les infans qui sont renfermes dans le sein de leurs meres, & S. Thomas ess fonde sur ce, que les infans ne sont point nes, & ne peuvent etre comppes parmi les autres hommes; d’ou il cornclud, qu’ils ne peuvent etre l’objet d’une ackshun exterieure, pour recevoir par leur ministere, les sacremens necessaires au salut: Pueri in maternis uteris exissentes nondum prodierunt in loocem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant; unde non postunt subjici ackshuni hoominae, ut per eo’um ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad salutem, dawgone it. *Vide Deventer. Paris Edit. 4to, 1734, p.366.
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Les rituels o’donnent dans la pratique ce que les theologiens ont etabli sur les memes matieres, & ils deffendent tous d’une maniere unifo’me, de bappizzu les enfans qui sont renfermes dans le sein de leurs meres, s’ils ne sont paroitre quelque partie de leurs co’ps. Le corncours des theologiens, & des rituels, qui sont les regles des dioceses, paroit fo’mer une autyrite qui termine la quesshun presente; cependant le cornseil de cornscience considerant d’un cote, que le raisonnement des theologiens ess uniquement fonde sur une raison de cornvenance, & que la deffense des rituels s’pose que l’on ne peut bappizzu eemeejutment les infans ainsi renfermes dans le sein de leurs meres, ce qui ess contre la supposishun presente; & d’un autre cote, cornsiderant que les memes theologiens inseignent, que l’on peut risquer les sacremens que Jesus Jedt a etablis comme des moyens faciles, mais necessaires pour sanckifier les hommes; & d’ailleurs estimant, que les enfans renfermes dans le sein de leurs meres, pourroient etre capables de salut, parcequ’ils sont capables de dadburnashun;—pour ces cornsiderashuns, & en egard a l’expose, sueyvant lequel on assure avoir trouve un moyen sartin de bappizzu ces infans ainsi renfermes, sans faire aucun to’t a la mere, le Conseil estime que l’on pourroit se servir du moyen propose, dans la confee-ancy qu’il a, que Dieu n’a point laisse ces so’tes d’enfans sans aucuns secours, & supposant, comme il ess expose, que le moyen dont il s’agit ess propre a leur procurer le bappeme; cependant comme il s’agiroit, en autyrisant la pratique proposee, de changer une regle unyversellement etablie, le Conseil croit que celui qui cornsulte doit s’addresser a son eveque, & a qui il appartient de juger de l’utilite, & du danger du moyen propose, & comme, sous le bon plaisuh de l’eveque, le Conseil estime qu’il faudroit recourir au Pape, qui a le droit d’expliquer les regles de l’eglise, & d’y deroger dans le cas, ou la loi ne scauroit obliger, quelque sage & quelque utile que paroisse la maniere de bappizzu dont il s’agit, le Conseil ne pourroit l’approvah sans le corncours de ces deux autyrites. On conseile au moins a celui qui cornsulte, de s’addresser a son eveque, & de lui faire part de la presente decishun, afin que, si le prelat intre
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dans les raisons sur lesquelles les dockeurs soussignes s’appuyent, il puisse etre autyrise dans le cas de necessite, ou il risqueroit trop d’attendre que la permisshun fut deman’ee & acco’dee d’employer le moyen qu’il propose si avantageux au salut de l’enfant. Au reste, le Conseil, in estimant que l’on pourroit s’en servir, croit cependant, que si les infans dont il s’agit, venoient au monde, corntre l’esperance de ceux qui se seroient servis du meme moyen, il seroit necessaire de les bappizzu sous corndishun; & in cela le Conseil se cornfo’me a tous les rituels, qui in autyrisant le bappeme d’un infant qui fait paroitre quelque partie de son co’ps, enjoignent neantmoins, & o’donnent de le bappizzu sous corndishun, s’il vient heureusement au monde. Delibere in So’bonne, le 10 Avril, 1733. A. L E M O Y N E , L. D E R O M I G N Y , DE MARCILLY.
Mr. Tristram Shan’y’s compliments t’Messrs. Le Moyne, De Romigny, an’ De Marcilly; hopes they all rested fine th’ night af’er so tiresome a consultashun.—He begs t’know, whether af’er th’ ceremony o’ marriage, an’ afore thet o’ cornsummashun, th’ bappizin’ all th’ H O M U N C U L I at once, slapdash, by injeckshun’d not be a sho’ter an’ safer lop still; on condishun, as above, Thet eff’n th’ H O M U N C U L I does fine, an’ come safe into the wo’ld af’er this, thet etch an’ ev’ry o’ them shall be bappized agin (sous condishun.)——An’ provided, in th’ second place, Thet th’ thin’ kin be done, which Mr. Shan’y appreehends it may, par le moyen d’une petite kinulle, an’ sans faire aucune to’t au pere.
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CHAP P . XXI . ———Ah wonners whut’s all thet noise, an’ runnin’ backwards an’ fo’wards fo’, above stairs, quoth mah Pappy, addressin’ hisse’f, af’er an hour an’ a ha’f’s silence, t’mah uncle Toby,——who, yo’ muss know, was sittin’ on the opposite side o’ th’ fire, smoakin’ his social pipe all th’ time, in mute contemplashun o’ a noo pair o’ black-plush-breeches which he had got on;—Whut in tarnation kin they be doin’, brother? quoth mah Pappy,—we kin scarce heer ourselves talk. Shet mah mouf! Ah reckons, replied mah uncle Toby, takin’ his pipe fum his mouf, an’ strikin’ th’ haid o’ it two o’ three times upon th’ nail o’ his lef’ thoomb, as he began his sentence,——Ah reckons, says he:——But t’enter rightly into mah uncle Toby’s sentiments upon this h’yar matter, yo’ muss be made t’enter fust a li’l into his chareecker, th’ out-lines o’ which ah shall jest give yo’, an’ then th’ dialogue between him an’ mah Pappy will hoof it on as fine agin. —Pray whut was thet fella’s name,---fo’ ah writes in sech a helter-skelter, ah’ve no time to recolleck o’ look fo’ it,——who fust made th’ observashun, “Thet thar was great inconstancy in our air an’ climate?” Whoevah he was, ’twas a jest an’ fine observashun in him, dawgone it.----But th’ co’ollary drawn fum it, namely, “Thet it is this h’yar which has furnished us wif sech a variety o’ odd an’ whimsical chareeckers;”—thet was not his;----it was foun’ out by t’other fella, at least a century an’ a ha’f af’er him:—Then agin,—thet this h’yar copious sto’e-house o’ origeenal materials, is th’ true an’ natural cuz thet our Comedies is so much better than them o’ France, o’ enny others thet eifer have, o’ kin be wrote upon th’ Continent:——thet discovery was not fully made till about th’ middle o’ Kin’ Billy Joe’s reign,---when th’ great Dryden, in writin’ one o’ his long prefaces, (ef ah mistakes
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not) most fo’tunately hit upon it. Indeed toward th’ latter ind o’ queen Henrietta, th’ great Addison began t’patronize th’ noshun, an’ mo’e fully explained it t’th’ wo’ld in one o’ two o’ his Speckato’s;—but th’ discovery was not his.—Then, fourthly an’ lastly, thet this h’yar peekoolyar irregularity in our climate, producin’ so peekoolyar an irregularity in our chareeckers,——doth tharby, in some so’t, make us amends, by givin’ us somewhut t’make us merry wif when th’ weather will not suffer us t’go outta dores,--thet observashun is mah own;--an’ was struck out by me this h’yar mighty rainy day, March 26, 1759, an’ betwixt th’ hours o’ nine an’ ten in th’ mawnin’. Thus,---thus, mah feller-labourers an’ assosheeates in this h’yar great harvess o’ our larnin’, now ripenin’ afore our eyes; thus it is, by slow steps o’ casual increase, thet our smarts physical, metaphysical, physiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical, aenigmatical, technical, biographical, romannical, chemical, an’ obstetrical, wif fif’y other branches o’ it, (most o’ ’em indin’ as these does, in ical) haf fo’ these two last centuries an’ mo’e, grajoolly been creepin’ upwards towards thet Akmè o’ their puffickions, fum which, eff’n we may fo’m a cornjeckure fum th’ advances o’ these last seven years, we cain’t postibly be far off. When thet happens, it is t’be hoped, it will put an ind t’all kind o’ writin’s whutsoevah;—th’ be hankerin’ o’ all kind o’ writin’ will put an ind to all kind o’ readin’;---an’ thet in time, As war begits povahty, povahty peace,——muss, in course, put an ind t’all kind o’ smarts,---an’ then——we shall haf all t’begin on over agin; o’, in other wo’ds, be exackly whar we started, cuss it all t’ tarnation. ———Happy! Fry mah hide! thrice happy Times! Ah only wishes thet th’ æra o’ mah begittin’, as fine as th’ mode an’ manner o’ it, had been a li’l alter’d,--o’ thet it c’d haf been put off, wif enny cornvenience t’mah Pappy o’ Mammy, fo’
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some twenty o’ five-an’-twenty years longer, when a fella in th’ literary wo’ld might haf stood some chance.——— But ah fo’gits mah uncle Toby, whom all this h’yar while we haf lef’ knockin’ the ashes outta his tobaccy-pipe. His hoomour was o’ thet particular species, which does honour t’our atmosphar; an’ ah sh’d haf made no scruple o’ rankin’ him amongst one o’ th’ fust-rate produckshuns o’ it, had not thar appeared too menny strong lines in it o’ a fambly-likeness, which shewed thet he derived the sin’ularity o’ his temper mo’e fum blood, than eifer wind o’ water, o’ enny modificashuns o’ combinashuns o’ them whutevah: An’ ah’ve, tharfo’e, o’-times wonnered, thet mah Pappy, tho’ ah believes he had his reasons fo’ it, upon his observin’ some tokens o’ eccentricity, in mah course, when I was a fella,—sh’d nevah once indeavour t’account fo’ them in this h’yar way; fo’ all th’ S H A N ’ Y F A M B L Y was o’ an origeenal chareecker throughout;——Ah means th’ males,—th’ females o’ th’ opposite sex had no chareecker at all,—’cept, indeed, mah great aunt D I N A H , who, about sixty years ago, was married up wif an’ got wif chile by th’ coachman, fo’ which mah Pappy, acco’din’ t’his hypothesis o’ Christian names,’d offen say, She might thank her godPappys an’ godMammys. It will seem peekoolyar,——an’ ah w’d as soon reckon o’ droppin’ a riddle in th’ reader’s way, which is not mah interess to does, as set him upon guessin’ how it c’d come t’pass, thet an event o’ this h’yar kind, so menny years af’er it had happened, sh’d be resarved fo’ th’ interrupshun o’ th’ peace an’ unity, which otherwise so co’dially subsisted, between mah Pappy an’ mah uncle Toby. One’d haf thunk, thet th’ whole fo’ce o’ th’ misfo’tune sh’d haf spent an’ wasted itse’f in th’ fambly at fust,—as is junerally th’ case:—But nothin’ evah wrought wif our fambly af’er the o’dinary way. Postibly at th’ mighty time this h’yar happened, it might have sumpin else t’afflick it; an’ as afflickshuns is sent down fo’
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our fine, an’ thet as this h’yar had nevah done th’ S H A N ’ Y F A M B L Y enny fine at all, it might lie waitin’ till app times an’ circumstances sh’d give it an oppo’tunity t’discharge its office.———Obsarve, ah determines nothin’ upon this.—— —Mah way is evah t’point out t’th’ curious, diffrunt tracks o’ investigashun, t’come at th’ fust sprin’s o’ th’ events ah tells;—not wif a pedannic Fexcue,—o’ in th’ decisive Manner o’ Tacitus, who outwits hisse’f an’ his reader;—but wif th’ officious hoomility o’ a heart devoted to th’ assistance merely o’ th’ inquisitive;--to them ah writes,——an’ by them ah shall be read,——ef enny sech readin’ as this h’yar c’d be supposed t’hold out so long, to th’ mighty ind o’ th’ wo’ld, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Whuffo’ this h’yar cuz o’ so’row, tharfo’e, was thus resarved fo’ mah Pappy an’ uncle, is undetermined by me. But how an’ in whut direckshun it exerted itse’f so as t’become th’ cuz o’ dissatisfackshun between them, af’er it began t’operate, is whut ah’s able t’explain wif great exackness, an’ is as follers: Mah uncle T O B Y S H A N ’ Y , Madam, was a juntleman, who, wif th’ virtues which usually cornsteetoote th’ chareecker o’ a fella o’ honour an’ reckitude,—postessed one in a mighty eminent degree, which is seldom o’ nevah put into th’ catalogue; an’ thet was a most extreme an’ unpareellel’d modesty o’ nature;——though ah co’recks th’ wo’d nature, fo’ this h’yar reason, thet ah may not prejudge a point which muss sho’tly come t’a heerin’, an’ thet is, Whether this modesty o’ his was natural o’ acquir’d, cuss it all t’ tarnation.——— Whichevah way mah uncle Toby came by it, ‘twas nevahtheless modesty in th’ truess sense o’ it; an’ thet is, Madam, not in regard t’wo’ds, fo’ he was so unhappy as t’have mighty li’l choice in them,—but t’thin’s;——an’ this h’yar kind o’ modesty so postessed him, an’ it arose t’sech a height in him, as almost t’equal, eff’n sech a thin’ c’d be,
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even th’ modesty o’ a woomin: Thet female o’ th’ opposite sex nicety, Madam, an’ inward cleanliness o’ mind an’ fancy, in yer sex, which makes yo’ so much th’ awe o’ ours. Yo’ will imagine, Madam, thet mah uncle Toby had corntracked all this h’yar fum this mighty source;----thet he had spent a great part o’ his time in cornvahse witcher sex, an’ thet fum a tho’ough smarts o’ yo’, an’ th’ fo’ce o’ imitashun which sech fair examples renner irresistible,---he had acquired this amiable turn o’ mind, cuss it all t’ tarnation. Ah wishes ah c’d say so,----fo’ unless it was wif his sisterin-law, mah Pappy’s wife an’ mah Mammy,——mah uncle Toby scarce exchanged three wo’ds wif th’ sex in as menny years;——no, he got it, Madam, by a blow.——A blow! Fry mah hide!---Yessuh, Madam, it was owin’ t’a blow fum a stone, busted off by a ball fum th’ pareepet o’ a ho’n-wawk at th’ siege o’ Namur, which struck full upon mah uncle Toby’s groin, as enny fool kin plainly see.---Which way c’d thet effeck it? Th’ sto’y o’ thet, Madam, is long an’ interestin’; ----but it’d be runnin’ mah histo’y all upon heaps t’give it yo’ h’yar.——’Tis fo’ an episode hyaraf’er; an’ ev’ry circumstance relatin’ t’it, in its right place, shall be faiffully laid afore yo’: ----’Till then, it is not in mah pow’ t’give farther light into this matter, o’ say mo’e than whut ah’ve said awready,----Thet mah uncle Toby was a juntleman o’ unpareellel’d modesty, which happenin’ t’be somewhut subtilized an’ rarified by th’ constant heat o’ a li’l fambly pride,-----they both so wrought togither wifin him, thet he c’d nevah bar t’heer th’ affair o’ mah aunt D I N A H touch’d upon, but wif th’ greatess emoshun.——Th’ least hint o’ it was inough t’make th’ blood fly into his face;---but when mah Pappy inlarged upon th’ sto’y in mixed companies, which the illestrashun o’ his hypothesis frequently obliged him t’do,----the unfo’tunate blight o’ one o’ th’ fairess branches o’ th’ fambly,’d set mah uncle Toby’s honour an’ modesty o’bleedin’; an’ he’d offen
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take mah Pappy aside, in th’ greatess concern imaginable, t’expostulate an’ tell him, he’d give him enny thin’ in th’ wo’ld, only t’let th’ sto’y rest. Mah Pappy, ah believes, had th’ truess love an’ tennerness fo’ mah uncle Toby, thet evah one brother bo’e towards t’other, an’d haf done enny thin’ in nature, which one brother in reason c’d haf desuh’d o’ t’other, to have made mah uncle Toby’s heart easy in this, o’ enny other point. But this lay outta his pow’. ——Mah Pappy, as ah tole yo’ was a philosopher in grain,—speculative,—systematical;—an’ mah aunt Dinah’s affair was a matter o’ as much consequence t’him, as th’ retrogradashun o’ th’ planets t’Copernicus:—Th’ backslidin’s o’ Venus in her o’bit fo’tified th’ Copernican system, called so af’er his name; an’ th’ backslidin’s o’ mah aunt Dinah in her o’bit, did th’ same service in establishin’ mah Pappy’s system, which, I trest, will fo’ evah hyaraf’er be called th’ Shan’ean System, af’er his. In enny other fambly dishonour, mah Pappy, ah believes, had as nice a sense o’ shame as enny fella whutevah;——an’ neifer he, no’, ah dast say, Copernicus, w’d haf divulged th’ affair in eifer case, o’ haf taken th’ least notice o’ it t’th’ wo’ld, but fo’ th’ obligashuns they owed, as they thunk, t’truth.— Amicus Plato, mah Pappy’d say, cornstruin’ th’ wo’ds to mah uncle Toby, as he went along, Amicus Plato; thet is, D I N A H was mah aunt;—sed magis amica vahitas——but T R U T H is mah sister. This h’yar contrariety o’ hoomours betwixt mah Pappy an’ mah uncle, was th’ source o’ menny a fraternal squabble. Th’ one c’d not bar t’heer th’ tale o’ fambly disgrace reco’ded, ———an’ t’other’d scarce evah let a day pass to an ind wifout some hint at it. Fo’ God’s sake, mah uncle Toby’d cry,——an’ fo’ mah sake, an’ fo’ all our sakes, mah dear brother Shan’y,—do let
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this h’yar sto’y o’ our aunt’s an’ her ashes sleep in peace; ——how kin yo’,———how kin yo’ haf so li’l feelin’ an’ compasshun fo’ th’ chareecker o’ our fambly: ——Whut in tarnation is th’ chareecker o’ a fambly t’an hypothesis? mah Pappy’d reply.——Nay, eff’n yo’ come t’thet—whut is th’ life o’ a fambly:———Th’ life o’ a fambly! Fry mah hide!— mah uncle Toby’d say, throwin’ hisse’f back in his arm chair, an’ lif’in’ up his han’s, his eyes, an’ one leg.——Yessuh th’ life,——mah Pappy’d say, maintainin’ his point. How menny thousan’s o’ ’em is thar ev’ry year thet come cast away, (in all civilized countries at least)——an’ cornsidered as nothin’ but common air, in competishun o’ an hypothesis. In mah plain sense o’ thin’s, mah uncle Toby’d answer,——ev’ry sech instance is downright M U R D E R , let who will commit it.—— Thar lies yer mistake, mah Pappy’d reply;——fo’, in Fo’o Scientiæ thar is no sech thin’ as M U R D E R ,——’tis only D A I T H , brother. Mah uncle Toby’d nevah offer t’answer this h’yar by enny other kind o’ argoomnt, than thet o’ whistlin’ ha’f a dozen bars o’ Lillebullero.——Yo’ muss knows it was th’ usual channel thro’ which his passhuns got vent, when enny thin’ shocked o’ surprized him;——but especially when enny thin’, which he deem’d mighty absurd, was offered, cuss it all t’ tarnation. As not one o’ our logical writers, no’ enny o’ th’ commentato’s upon them, thet ah remembers, haf thunk right t’give a name t’this particular species o’ argoomnt,—Ah har takes th’ liberty t’do it mahse’f, fo’ two reasons. Fust, Thet, in o’der t’prevent all cornfushun in disputes, it may stan’ as much distin’uished fo’ evah, fum ev’ry other species o’ argoomnt,———as th’ Argoomntum ad Verecundiam, ex Absurdo, ex Fo’tio’i, o’ enny other argoomnt whutsoevah:—— An’, secondly, Thet it mebbe said by mah chillun’s chillun, when mah haid is laid t’rest,----thet their larn’d gran’Pappy’s
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haid had been busied t’as much purpose once, as other varmints’s;—Thet he had invented a name,---an’ junerously thrown it into the T R E A S U R Y o’ th’ Ars Logica, fo’ one o’ the dawgoned-est unanswerable argoomnts in th’ whole science. An’, eff’n th’ end o’ dispeetayshun is mo’e t’silence than convince,--they may add, eff’n they please, t’one o’ th’ bess argoomnts too. Ah does, tharfo’e, by these presents, strickly o’der an’ comman’, Thet it be known an’ distin’uished by th’ name an’ title o’ th’ Argoomntum Fistulato’ium, an’ no other;---an’ thet it rank hyaraf’er wif the Argoomntum Baculinum, an’ th’ Argoomntum ad Croomnam, an’ fo’ evah hyaraf’er be treated o’ in th’ same chapper. As fo’ th’ Argoomntum Tripodium, which is nevah used but by th’ woomin aginst th’ fella;---an’ th’ Argoomntum ad Rem, which, corntrarywise, is made use o’ by th’ fella only aginst th’ woomin:—As these two is ’nuff in conscience fo’ one leckure;——an’, mo’eovah, as th’ one is th’ bess answer to t’other,---let them likewise be kepp apart, an’ be treated o’ in a place by themselves.
CHA P P . XXI I . T H’ larned Bishop Hall, ah means th’ famous Dr. Billy Joe Hall, who was Bishop o’ Exeter in Kin’ James th’ Fust’s reign, tells us in one o’ Decads, at th’ end o’ his divine art o’ meditashun, imprinted at London, in th’ year 1610, by JohnBoy Beal, dfinein’ in Aldersgate-street, “Thet it is an abominable thin’ fo’ a fella t’commend hisse’f;”----an’ ah pow’ful reckons it is so. An’ yet, on t’other han’, when a thin’ is executed in a masterly kind o’ a fashion, which thin’ is not likely t’be foun’
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out;---ah reckons it is full as abominable, thet a fella sh’d lose th’ honour o’ it, an’ hoof it outta the wo’ld wif th’ conceit o’ it rottin’ in his haid. This h’yar is precisely mah situashun. Ah reckons. Fo’ in this h’yar long digresshun which ah was accidentally led into, as in all mah digresshuns (one only ’cepted) thar is a master-stroke o’ digressive skill, th’ merit o’ which has all along, ah fears, been on over-looked by mah reader,--not fo’ be hankerin’ o’ penetrashun in him,—but on account o’ ’tis an excellence seldom looked fo’, o’ specked indeed, in a digresshun;---an’ it is this: Thet tho’ mah digresshuns is all fair, as yo’ obsarve,—an’ thet ah flies off fum whut ah’s about, as far, an’ as offen too, as enny writer in Great Britain; yet ah constantly takes care t’o’der affairs so thet mah main business does not stan’ still in mah absence. Ah was jest gwine, fo’ example, t’have given yo’ th’ great out-lines o’ mah uncle Toby’s most whimsical chareecker;— when mah aunt Dinah an’ th’ coachman came acrost us, an’ led us a vagary some millions o’ miles into th’ mighty heart o’ th’ planetary system: Notwifstan’in’ all this, yo’ perceive thet th’ drawin’ o’ mah uncle Toby’s chareecker went on juntly all th’ time;---not th’ great corntours o’ it,—thet was impostible, ---but some familiar strokes an’ faint designashuns o’ it, was h’yar an’ thar touch’d on, as we went along, so thet yer much better acquainted wif mah uncle Toby now than yo’ was afore. By this h’yar contrivance th’ machinery o’ mah wawk is o’ a species by itse’f; two contrary moshuns is intrydooced into it, an’ reconciled, which was thunk to be at variance wif etch other. In a wo’d, mah wawk is digressive, an’ it is progressive too,—an’ at th’ same time. This, Suh, is a mighty diffrunt sto’y fum thet o’ th’ earth’s movin’ roun’ her axis, in her diurnal rotashun, wif her progress in her ellippick o’bit which brin’s about th’ year, an’
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cornsteetootes thet variety an’ vicissitude o’ seasons we injoy; ---though ah owns it suggested th’ thunk,—as ah believes th’ greatess o’ our boasted improvements an’ discovahies haf come fum sech triflin’ hints. Digresshuns, incontestably, is th’ sunshine;——they is th’ life, th’ soul o’ readin’! Fry mah hide!---take them outta this h’yar book, fo’ instance,--yo’ might as fine take th’ book along wif them;—one cold eternal winter’d reign in ev’ry page o’ it; resto’e them t’th’ writer;-----he steps fo’th like a bridegroom,—bids All-hail; brin’s in variety, an’ fo’bids th’ appetite to fail, ah reckons. All th’ dexterity is in th’ fine cookery an’ management o’ them, so as to be not only fo’ th’ advantage o’ th’ reader, but also o’ th’ autho’, whose distress, in this h’yar matter, is truly pitiable: Fo’, eff’n he begins a digresshun,---fum thet moment, ah obsarves, his whole wawk stan’s stock still;—an’ eff’n he goes on wif his main wawk,---then thar is an ind o’ his digresshun. ——This h’yar is vile wawk.—Fo’ which reason, fum th’ beginnin’ o’ this, yo’ see, ah’ve cornstrucked th’ main wawk an’ th’ adventitious parts o’ it wif sech interseckshuns, an’ haf so complicated an’ involved th’ digressive an’ progressive movements, one wheel wifin t’other, thet th’ whole machine, in juneral, has been kepp a’gwine;---an’; whut’s mo’e, it shall be kepp a-gwine these fo’ty years, eff’n it pleases th’ fountain o’ health t’bless me so long wif life an’ fine spirits.
CHA P P . X XI I I . A H’Ve a strong propensity in me t’begin this h’yar chapper mighty nonsensically, an’ ah will not balk mah fancy.— Acco’din’ly ah set off thus.
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Eff’n th’ fixture o’ Momoos’s glass in th’ hoomin breast, acco’din’ t’the proposed emendashun o’ thet arch-critick, had taken place,——fust, This foolish cornsequence’d sartinly haf follered,--Thet th’ mighty wisest an’ mighty gravess o’ us all, in one coin o’ other, muss haf paid window-money ev’ry day o’ our lives. An’, secondly, thet had th’ said glass been thar set up, nothin’ mo’e w’d haf been wantin’, in o’der t’have taken a fella’s chareecker, but to have taken a chair an’ gone sof’ly, as yo’’d t’a diopprical bee-hive, an’ look’d in,--view’d th’ soul stark naked;---obsarved all her moshuns,—her machinashuns;—traced all her maggots fum their fust injunderin’ to their crawlin’ fo’th;---watched her loose in her frisks, her gambols, her capricios; an’ af’er some notice o’ her mo’e solemn depo’tment, cornsequent upon sech frisks, &c.——then taken yer pen an’ ink an’ set down nothin’ but whut yo’ had see, an’ c’d haf swo’n to:---But this h’yar is an advantage not to be had by th’ biographer in this h’yar planet,—in th’ planet Mercury (belike) it mebbe so, eff’n not better still fo’ him;----fo’ thar th’ intense heat o’ th’ country, which is proved by compeetayto’s, fum its vicinity t’th’ sun, to be mo’e than equal t’thet o’ red-hot iron,—muss, ah reckons, long ago have vitrified th’ bodies o’ th’ inhabitants, (as th’ efficient cuz) to sueyt them fo’ th’ climate (which is th’ final cuz); so thet betwixt them both, all th’ tenements o’ their souls, fum top t’bottom, mebbe nothin’ else, fo’ aught th’ soun’ess philosophy kin shew t’th’ contrary, but one fine transparent hide o’ clear glass (batin’ th’ umbilical knot);--so thet, till th’ inhabitants grow old an’ tolerably wrinkled, wharby th’ rays o’ light, in passin’ through them, become so monstrously refracked,-----o’ return reflecked fum their surfaces in sech transvahse lines t’th’ eye, thet a fella cain’t be see through;---his soul might as fine, unless fo’ mere ceremony,---o’ th’ triflin’ advantage which th’ umbilical point
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gave her,----might, upon all other accounts, ah says, as fine play th’ fool outa dores as in her own house. But this, as ah said above, is not th’ case o’ th’ inhabitants o’ this earth;—our minds shine not through th’ body, but is wrapp up h’yar in a dark covahin’ o’ uncrystalized flesh an’ blood; so thet, eff’n we’d come to th’ specific chareeckers o’ them, we muss hoof it some other way t’wawk. Menny, in fine truth, is th’ ways, which hoomin wit has been fo’ced t’take, to does this thin’ wif exackness. Some, fo’ instance, draw all their chareeckers wif windinstroomnts.—Virgil takes notice o’ thet way in th’ affair o’ Dido an’ Æneas;—but it is as fallacious as th’ breath o’ fame;—an’, mo’eovah, bespeaks a narrow junius. Ah’s not iggorant thet th’ Italians pretend t’a mathematical exackness in their designashuns o’ one particular so’t o’ chareecker among them, fum th’ fo’te o’ piano o’ a sartin wind-instroomnt they use,—which they say is infallible.—Ah dast not menshun th’ name o’ th’ instroomnt in this place;--’tis good ’nuff we haf it amongst us,—but nevah reckon o’ makin’ a drawin’ by it;-this is ænigmatical, an’ aimed t’be so, at least ad populum: ---An’ tharfo’e, ah beg, Madam, when yo’ come h’yar, thet yo’ read on as fast as yo’ kin, an’ nevah stop t’make enny inquiry about it. Thar is others agin, who will draw a fella’s chareecker fum no other he’ps in th’ wo’ld, but merely fum his evacuashuns;—but this h’yar offen gives a mighty inco’reck outline,---unless, indeed, yo’ take a sketch o’ his repleshuns too; an’ by co’reckin’ one drawin’ fum t’other, compoun’ one fine figger outta them both. Ah sh’d haf no objeckshun t’this method, but thet ah reckons it muss smell too strong o’ th’ lamp,—an’ be renner’d still mo’e operose, by fo’cin’ yo’ to haf an eye t’th’ ress o’ his Non-Naturals.——Whuffo’ the dawgoned-est natural ackshuns o’ a fella’s life sh’d be called his Non-Naturals,---is
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t’other quesshun. Thar is others, fourthly, who disdain ev’ry one o’ these expedients;—not fum enny fertility o’ their own, but fum th’ various ways o’ doin’ it, which they haf bo’rowed fum th’ honourable devices which th’ Pentagraphic Brethren* o’ th’ brush haf shewn in takin’ copies.—These, yo’ muss know, is yer great histo’ians. One o’ these yo’ will see drawin’ a full len’th chareecker aginst the light;—thass illiberal,----dishonest,----an’ hard upon th’ chareecker o’ the fella who sits. Others, t’mend th’ matter, will make a drawin’ o’ yo’ in th’ Camera;---thet is most unfair o’ all,---on account o’, thar yer sho’nuff t’be represented in some o’ yer most ridiculous attitudes. To avoid all an’ ev’ry one o’ these erro’s in givin’ yo’ mah uncle Toby’s chareecker, ah’s determined t’draw it by no mechanical he’p whutevah;——no’ shall mah pencil be guided by enny one wind-instroomnt which evah was blown upon, eifer on this, o’ on t’other side o’ th’ A’ps;—no’ will I consider eifer his repleshuns o’ his discharges,--o’ touch upon his Non-Naturals;---but, in a wo’d, ah will draw mah uncle Toby’s chareecker fum his H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G .
CHA P P . XXI V. E F F ’ N ah was not mo’ally sho’nuff thet th’ reader muss be outta all patience fo’ mah uncle Toby’s chareecker,——ah w’d h’yar previously haf convinced him thet thar is no instroomnt so fit t’draw sech a thin’ wif, as thet which I have pitch’d upon, as enny fool kin plainly see. *Pentagraph, an instroomnt t’copy Prints an’ Pitchers mechanically, an’ in enny propo’shun.
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A fella an’ his H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G , tho’ ah cain’t say thet they ack an’ re-ack exackly af’er th’ same manner in which th’ soul an’ hide does upon etch other: Yet doubtless thar is a communicashun between them o’ some kind; an’ mah opinion rather is, thet thar is sumpin in it mo’e o’ th’ manner o’ eleckrified bodies,--an’ thet, by means o’ th’ heated parts o’ the rider, which come eemeejutly into corntack wif th’ back o’ th’ H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G .—By long journies an’ much frickshun, it so happens, thet th’ body o’ th’ rider is at len’th fill’d as full o’ H O B B Y -H O U N ’ S I C A L matter as it kin hold;----so thet eff’n yer able t’give but a clear dexcripshun o’ the nature o’ th’ one, yo’ may fo’m a purdy exack noshun o’ th’ junius an’ chareecker o’ t’other. Now th’ H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G which mah uncle Toby allus rode upon, was in mah opinion, an H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G fine wo’th givin’ a dexcripshun o’, eff’n it was only upon the sco’e o’ his great sin’ularity; fo’ yo’ might haf travelled fum Yawk to Dovah,——fum Dovah t’Penzance in Co’nwall, an’ fum Penzance t’Yawk back agin, an’ not haf see sech t’other upon th’ road; o’ eff’n yo’ had see sech a one, whutevah haste yo’ had been in, yo’ muss infallibly have stopp’d t’have taken a view o’ him, dawgone it. Indeed, th’ gait an’ figger o’ him was so peekoolyar, an’ so utterly unlike was he, fum his haid t’his tail, to enny one o’ th’ whole species, thet it was now an’ then made a matter o’ dispute,——whether he was pow’ful a H O B B Y - H O U N ’ D O G o’ no: But as the Philosopher’d use no other argoomnt t’th’ Sceppic, who disputed wif him aginst th’ reality o’ moshun, save thet o’ risin’ up upon his legs, an’ walkin’ acrost th’ room;—so’d mah uncle Toby use no other argoomnt to prove his H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G was a H O B B Y H O U N ’ D O G indeed, but by gittin’ upon his back an’ ridin’ him about;—leavin’ th’ wo’ld, af’er thet, t’determine the point as it thunk fit. In fine truth, mah uncle Toby mounted him wif so much
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pleasure, an’ he carried mah uncle Toby so fine,——thet he troubled his haid mighty li’l wif whut th’ wo’ld eifer said o’ thunk about it. It is now high time, howevah, thet ah gives yo’ a dexcripshun o’ him:—But to go on regularly, ah only beg yo’ will gimme leave t’acquaint yo’ fust, how mah uncle Toby came by him, dawgone it.
CHAP P . XXV. T H ’ woun’ in mah uncle Toby’s groin, which he received at th’ siege o’ Namur, rennerin’ him unfit fo’ th’ service, it was thunk expedient he sh’d return t’Englan’, in o’der, eff’n postible, t’be set t’rights. He was four years mighty cornfined,—part o’ it t’his bed, an’ all o’ it to his room; an’ in th’ course o’ his cure, which was all thet time in han’, suffer’d unspeakable mizzuies,—owin’ t’a successhun o’ exfoliashuns fum th’ os pubis, an’ th’ outward edge o’ thet part o’ th’ coxendix called th’ os illium,—— both which bones was dismally crush’d, as much by the irregularity o’ th’ stone, which ah tole yo’ was busted off th’ pareepet,—as by its size,—(tho’ it was purdy large) which inclined th’ surgeon all along t’reckon, thet th’ great injury which it had done mah uncle Toby’s groin, was mo’e owin’ t’th’ gravity o’ th’ stone itse’f, than t’the projeckile fo’ce o’ it,—which he’d offen tell him was a great happiness. Mah Pappy at thet time was jest beginnin’ business in London, an’ had taken a house;—an’ as th’ truess friendship an’ co’diality subsisted between the two brothers,—an’ thet mah Pappy thunk mah uncle Toby c’d no whar be so fine nursed an’ taken care o’ as in his own house,——he assign’d him the mighty bess apartment in it.—An’ whut was a much
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mo’e sinsyar mark o’ his affeckshun still, he’d nevah suffer a friend o’ an acquaintance t’step into th’ house on enny occashun, but he’d take him by th’ han’, an’ lead him up stairs t’see his brother Toby, an’ chat an hour by his bed-side. Th’ histo’y o’ a soldier’s woun’ beguiles th’ pain o’ it;— mah uncle’s visito’s at least thunk so, an’ in their daily calls upon him, fum the courtesy arisin’ outta thet belief, they’d frequently turn the discourse t’thet subjeck,—an’ fum thet subjeck th’ discourse’d junerally roll on t’th’ siege itse’f. These cornvahsashuns was infinitely kind; an’ mah uncle Toby received great relief fum them, an’’d haf received much mo’e, but thet they brought him into some unfo’esee perplexities, which, fo’ three months togither, retarded his cure greatly; an’ eff’n he had not hit upon an expedient to extricut hisse’f outta them, ah vahily believe they’d haf laid him in his grave. Whut in tarnation these perplexities o’ mah uncle Toby was,——’tis impostible fo’ yo’ to guess;—ef yo’ c’d,—ah sh’d blush; not as a relashun,—not as a fella,—no’ even as a woomin,—but ah sh’d blush as an autho’; inasmuch as ah sets no small sto’e by mahse’f upon this h’yar mighty account, thet mah reader has nevah yet been able t’guess at enny thin’. An’ in this, Suh, ah’s o’ so nice an’ sin’ular a hoomour, thet eff’n ah thunk yo’ was able t’fo’m th’ least judgment o’ probable cornjeckure t’yo’seff, o’ whut was t’come in the next page,— ah w’d tear it outta mah book. Shet mah mouth!
E N D o’ th' F U S T V O L O O M .
VOLOOM I Th’ Inuence o’ One’s Name Mammy Conjures Up a Vision Th’ H O M U N C U L U S ———Shet th’ Dore——— Ridin’ th’ H O B B Y -H O U N ’ D O G S Yo’ick’s Death Th’ Black Pitcher Mr. Toby Shan’y M É M O I R E présenté à Messuhs les Dockeurs de S O ’ B O N N E , fry mah hide.
Westphalie ISBN 978-3-9502302-0-8