Eulogy.

Alexis Tarter

On the day you came, I didn’t know what you were. I held the spotted leotard up to my mom and asked, “What is this?”

That same day we went for ice cream to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter, and already I was too embarrassed to embrace you.

For months, I learned every nuanced feeling between my legs, tried to identify every ounce of fluid, so that I could accurately anticipate you.

On the days you showed your colors to the world, I covered you in shame. I would call myself stupid, silly, or juvenile for not mastering the art of hiding you.

But I was wrong.

You were power. You were strength. You were a monthly reminder, a constant companion, an external manifestation of an internal transformation. You were a gift.

The procedure I used to stop you was simple, but you did not leave swiftly. Once again came the months of shame and worry, trash cans filled with evidence of my efforts to conceal you.

In the end, even your power was not enough. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, until I no longer anticipated your return.

Now I sit sterile and clean with no crimson beacon, no glorious chaos, no tangible proof of my internal struggle, utterly empty.

Twice Selena Rosin

I have fallen in love twice in 2022

Twice I felt joy ignite my mind, body, and spirit

Twice I thought I would actually burst from elation

I saw the delighted surprise in my partner’s gorgeous blue eyes

I heard the shaky exhilaration in his voice in disbelief

Twice I have had my dreams come true

Twice I have had haunting anxiety thinking that it couldn’t be real

I became even more connected to my partner

We talked about our future in illustrious detail

Twice I noticed the gradual changes in my body

Twice I embraced and accepted myself

We talked about how our lives would change

We were ready to do whatever necessary

Twice I experienced tiny heartbeats

Twice I saw legs and arms dance

We wanted to pick the best names

We imagined their futures

Twice we made it to the second trimester

Twice we thought the risk was low

We almost made it halfway through

We were not prepared

Twice I have experienced birth

Twice I have been traumatized

We knew what to expect the second time We didn’t feel it any less

Twice I have held my daughters’ bodies

Twice I have seen my face reflected

We didn’t want to let go of them We said it was a bad dream

Twice I had milk to feed no one

Twice I bled for weeks

We went right to work and school We shoved our pain aside

Twice I have been crushed by grief

Twice I didn’t know if I would get through

We have been angry and fought We have been tired and cried

Twice I have searched for hope

Twice I have yearned for optimism

We are hesitant to try again We are learning to trust our Creator

I fell in love twice in 2022.

Twice.