THE DARK SIDE OF POLITENESS

BY LEANOR BAILEY HODGE | | DEPUTY COUNSEL, NC STATE BAR

THE WAKE COUNTY BAR is a collegial bar. It is an association of lawyers in which friendship and social engagement among colleagues is encouraged. Another noteworthy characteristic of the Wake County Bar is politeness. It is one of the first things I noticed about the members of this bar when I moved here from the Midwest. At first, I thought this was indicative of all bars in North Carolina; however, after traveling across the state throughout my years of practice, I have come to appreciate that it is one of the things that can make practicing here pretty special. If you have ever practiced law outside of Wake County, particularly in other areas of the country, you know that politeness in zealous advocacy is not widely cultivated and is not practiced everywhere. Especially in the litigation context, pulling off strong advocacy while maintaining politeness is a skill. It is not a skill that is taught in law school, but rather, a training that most typically occurs through mentorship – something else that is a hallmark of practice in Wake County.

At its best, politeness is the outward display of respect and consideration for others. But what about when it isn’t? What about when it is used as cloak to cover the need to address critical issues that require discussion to move toward a solution?

Politeness can make difficult situations more bearable and feel better. However, it can also be the facade behind which we hide to avoid difficult discussions about important and necessary topics. To be polite is not always synonymous with, or the exclusive province of, best. Sometimes it is the audacious group that moves the needle forward. The ones who dare to speak when no response could be presented and accepted as the polite thing to do are, at times, the persons who advance us closer to our aims. I believe people can be audacious, daring, and polite. We all certainly can think of someone, whom we regard as polite and kind, that made a bold move and was key to the group reaching a very lofty goal. Politeness has value and contributes to good, but we would be wise to remember its dark side.

The dark side of politeness is revealed when, in the name of politeness, we avoid tough conversations about vital subjects. In the legal profession, we must guard against the dark side of politeness because discourse is essential to our problem solving. Different professions solve problems in different ways. For example, engineers solve problems by (1) reasonably defining the problem, (2) observing and investigating to ascertain what is known, (3) determining what tools are available and appropriate and (4) then applying such tools to generate a solution. As lawyers, we are trained to solve problems differently. We are presented with a claim, then through questioning, and sometimes interrogation, we dialogue to determine the validity of that claim and settle on an answer. We all have at least one memory of a first-year law school class in which we were first introduced to the Socratic Method. From the very beginning of our careers, we were conditioned to obtain resolution through questioning and discourse.

As a society and a profession, we have some important societal ills that continue to plague us that we often use the dark side of politeness to ignore. As our Bar continues to do its part to foster and further diversity, equity and inclusion, conversations about the vestiges of racism and gender bias will be essential, and at times, uncomfortable.

It may be tempting during the difficult moments to seek shelter on the dark side of politeness. If you find yourself trending toward the dark side of politeness as an escape during such moments, remember that as lawyers, an important part of our contribution to the ability to solve a problem is to discuss it. For us, if we are too polite to discuss the challenging issues, we are not likely to make strides toward a solution. My hope is that we will use politeness to help us HAVE difficult conversations, not as a cover to hide the fact that such discussions need to occur. WBF