THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2024
2 STUDENT LIFE
Embracing the unexpected
meet this year’s Sex Issue cover model JENNY RONG STAFF WRITER In the architecture studios far away on the East End of campus is where you will find the face of this year’s Sex Issue, sophomore Marco Donohoe. A student known for his introverted nature and dedication to architecture and rowing, Donohoe wanted to step out of his comfort zone. “It was something so random,” he shared with a thoughtful pause. “I saw last year’s issue and thought it was really cool. Plus, it’s a fun way to leave a mark at WashU.” A San Francisco native, Donohoe balances his passion for architecture and creativity with a vigorous lifestyle filled with cycling, surfing, rowing, and hiking. On campus, he is involved with the WashU Rowing team and works at the Sam Fox
Shop. Donohoe described the day that he got the news. He acknowledged the potential surprise among his friends and even his family. “I think no one is going to see this coming. It’s kind of iconic, right? The face of WashU [as a] sex icon,” he chuckled. When asked about the role of sex and sexuality in his life, Donohoe admitted, “It’s not a huge part of my daily life.” He says he is not very sexually active at WashU, and his view on intimacy is private and respectful. He believes in keeping the details to himself, seeing it as invasive to spread around details of his sex life. Amidst this personal approach, Donohoe ref lected on valuable advice from his three sisters. Before Donohoe left for college, they imparted the wisdom that “Neutral experiences are good
experiences.” With their guidance, Donohoe came to WashU with an open mind and explored various aspects of life, including personal preferences and interests. As for attraction, Donohoe is confident about his height (sixfoot-three for you ladies out there), kindness, and gentle demeanor. Seeing himself as more reserved, he wants his partner to be bubbly and full of energy. Donohoe said, “I think I’m attracted to people who care for themselves both emotionally and physically, too.” Over Winter Break, Donohoe went on a date with a girl back home in San Francisco. He thought they really clicked, and he planned out a cute date up on a hill for them. However, after they met up, the girl immediately wanted to go back to his place. Donohoe recalled,
Editor’s Note: Sex Issue
SYDNEY TRAN | STUDENT LIFE Cover model Marco Donohoe poses with WashU flag during Sex Issue photo shoot.
“I thought we had a real connection, and what she did just really turned me off.” The importance of emotional connections in relationships means
a lot to Donohoe, and he believes that physical intimacy without an emotional bond feels empty. However, when asked if he would date a girl who wants to wait till marriage
for sex, Donohoe replied candidly, “No, I don’t think I can do that.” COVER MODEL: MARCO DONOHOE PHOTO: ELLE SU ART DIRECTION: TUESDAY HADDEN, SYDNEY TRAN, RYAN DAVIS
A Library of Love:
Five Irresistible Romance Books
Another year, another sex issue. Among the few time-honored Student Life traditions, the annual Sex Edition is one of our favorite to produce. Our Student Sex survey, which collects over 1,100 responses, contains important information about students’ sexual habits. The Sex Issue is first and foremost a fun issue – we use statistics, funny stories, and goofy answers as a way to destigmatize talking about sex, and yes, to entertain our readers. But we also want to emphasize that the sex issue is about more than just fun group nude portraits and (hopefully) funny sex-related jokes. This week’s editorial board opinion thinks about how this issue can address existing stigma around sexual “milestones” and porn. Above all else, we want to emphasize that there is nothing sexier than consent, and we encourage our readers to thoroughly educate themselves about the meaning of consent and how to honor it. With (Student) Love,
ILLUSTRATION BY TUESDAY HADDEN
Clara Richards & Via Poolos, Editors-in-Chief
The unofficial guide to what really turns heads “What makes
“Goofy and smart
“I’m really into guys
someone attractive
[heart eyes][heart
that play ultimate
is when they have a
eyes][heart eyes],”
frisbee,”
platinum meal plan,”
- Lauren Smith, Staff
- Mia Burkholder, Co-
- Sophia Hellman,
Writer
Chief of Copy
“Good communication
“Able to use InDesign,”
“If they play on
skills,”
- Sydney Tran, Head
Contraband baby,”
- Elizabeth Stump,
of Design
- Avi Holzman,
Staff Writer
Junior Scene Editor
Managing News Editor “If they are kind, thoughtful, imaginative, adventurous, and have a good sense of humor,” - Aliza Lubitz, Staff Writer “If they’re motivated,” - Zach Trabitz, Investigative News Editor
ILLUSTRATION BY MANUEL LOPEZ
OLIVIA LEE JUNIOR SCENE WRITER With the rise of “BookTok” — a TikTok subcommunity that centers around the discussion of books — reading romance books has become a mainstream activity. The genre, however, can be difficult to navigate for those newer to these types of books. Whether you’re looking for a light, fluffy read or a smuttier, more emotional one, there is a romance book out there for you! Here are five of the best reads guaranteed to brighten up your February.
“The Bodyguard” by Katherine Center A 2022 Goodreads nominee for Best Romance, this novel is fun, hilarious, heartfelt, and criminally underrated. Featuring a unique premise, “The Bodyguard” tells the story of Hannah, a bodyguard for hire, and Jack, the celebrity heartthrob she is tasked with protecting. There are many things to love about this book, from Jack’s thoughtfulness and kindness, which is sure to raise anyone’s standards in a romantic partner, to the beautifully executed third-act conflict with no miscommunication trope in sight. If you want a fast-paced, easy yet touching read, look no further than “The Bodyguard.”
“Caught Up” by Liz Tomforde If you’re in the mood for a sports romance, “Caught Up” is the way to go. Though it is the third book in Liz Tomforde’s Windy City series, the books are standalones and do not need to be read in order. “Caught Up” follows Kai, a single dad and the pitcher for the Windy City Warriors, a fictional Chicago MLB team, and Miller, a burnt-out pastry chef who becomes Kai’s son’s nanny. The story that Liz Tomforde crafts is beautifully emotional and moving, with heart-wrenching proclamations of love and Kai’s adorable son. Additionally, the characters are extremely well developed and feel amazingly real. Although the other books in the series are also incredible, the storyline and characters in “Caught Up” truly make it shine.
“Fourth Wing” by Rebecca Yarros For fans of “A Court of Thorns and Roses,” “Fourth Wing” is an exciting combination of fantasy, dragons, and a touch of romance. The novel takes place at a war college, where Violet, the daughter of the college’s commander, must train to become a dragon rider. Training is a deadly game, especially when Xaden Riorson, a powerful and cold-blooded dragon rider, is after her throat. A slow burn enemies to lovers romance, “Fourth Wing” is
an easy-to-follow, fast-paced, and occasionally heartbreaking ride. For those looking for a story that has more to it than romance, “Fourth Wing” is for you.
“Icebreaker” by Hannah Grace If you’re looking for a romance on a college campus, “Icebreaker” is for you. When the captain of the hockey team, Nathan, and a competitive figure skater, Stassie, are forced to share a rink, chaos and romance ensues. A sweet and heartwarming story, “Icebreaker” is a jam-packed and entertaining, if slightly long, ride. Its highlights include amazing side characters (namely Henry) and smut (if you prefer fade-to-black sex scenes, try “The Bodyguard”). This fun, charming love story is sure to get you through even WashU’s iciest days.
“The House in the Cerulean Sea” by T.J. Klune For another fantasy with a touch of romance, “The House in the Cerulean Sea” transports the reader to a world iwwn which forty-yearold case worker Linus is sent to oversee an orphanage; there a group of six magical children and their caretaker, Arthur, reside. Part queer romance, part found family, and part magical realism, this is a beautiful story for those looking for a more wholesome read.
STUDENT LIFE 3
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2024
IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU CREAM “GO-TO” MOVES
SEX STORIES “She was using my phone to look up something and it pulled up an article I looked up for how to last longer in bed.”
“He was giving me head while watching ‘Cars’ (the first one if you are wondering) and stopped to watch the scene where the cars are lining up on the highway.”
“My Bluetooth speaker ran out of battery during sex… nothing kills the mood quite like hearing a robot voice say ‘LOW BATTERY. POWER OFF.’”
“Lost my virginity while watching ‘The Lorax,’ but I started singing the music, so my ex stopped and had to change the movie bc he couldn’t focus.”
“The first time I sucked a dick I only used teeth.”
Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers. Couples prance around the South 40 or take a romantic stroll around campus. For us single folk who may be kicked out of our dorms on the night of Feb. 14th: let us relish in the idea of one day finding love, and in the meantime, focus on some self-love. Here’s an eclectic mix of tracks to pair nicely with whatever stage of love you find yourself in on the most romantic of holidays.
The Sun Is In Your Eyes (Voice Memo) — Jacob Collier This song is the best of the best. Understated, emotional, and intimate — all in less than two minutes of pure bliss.
Campus — Vampire Weekend This is the ultimate track for anyone walking around our treasure of a campus. Share an Airpod (or don’t), and enjoy the beauty of a hopefully temperate day.
Cowboy Take Me Away — The Chicks A classic band meets a classic song. This deep cut is for the strongheaded who have found that adventurous person they can shed their worries with.
For Emma, Forever Ago — Bon Iver This Bon Iver stunner is for souls who haven’t quite let go of the person who has given them so much good and pain. This song is nothing but healing (and also has a sick beat).
if we lived on the moon — vivi rincon An acoustic, dreamy world that one can immediately transport to when listening.
invisible string — Taylor Swift Packed with detailed recountings, Swift’s vivid writing feels personal yet so universal in this folk song by the world’s biggest name.
Love Is A Wild Thing — Kacey Musgraves In an album filled with love songs, this one is perhaps the most touching. Musgraves knows how to write a heck of a love song, and this is no exception.
Lover Is a Day — Cuco Within this (almost) eight-minute indie-pop track, the synth instrumentals and Cuco’s
“Whatever I’m not doing.”
“Hit on someone at the party, learn that they are a student in the class you TA for, then ignore them and wait for the semester to end.”
“Consent is hot.”
“Pull out the NYT crossword app at the function.”
“Hi, I am a writer with StudLife; can I interview you?”
“The first time I had sex I had to stop a really toothy blowjob.”
“My roommate meowed at me through my door during sex (not the first time).”
Naughty beats and cheeky rhymes to spice up Valentine’s Day WILLIAM WEINSTEIN CONTRIBUTING WRITER
“Blink blink.”
addictive voice make it a must-listen for anyone and everyone.
my friend’s toyota — asiris This song is what you love about Noah Kahan and Post Malone in one track, grounded and rootsy alongside a pop sound that makes you want to dance with your favorite person.
Thinkin Bout You — Frank Ocean Frank Ocean hits a home run on this record, but this track in particular creates a helluva mood for all the singles and couples out there.
Want U Around (feat. Ruel) — Omar Apollo Whether you’re longing for the lover that slipped out of your hands, waiting for that special someone, or just plain delulu, this song is the one for you.
What If I Love You — Gatlin A love-pop anthem for the books. With a hint of nostalgia and a lot of heat, this song rounds out the playlist on a perfect note.
Feels Like — Gracie Abrams Abrams’ take on finding the person you’ve been looking for will make you swoon. This song is detailed and emotional while retaining that bedroom-pop sound that Abrams executes f lawlessly.
ILLUSTRATION BY TUESDAY HADDEN
RELATIONSHIP STORIES “I had an Olin student show me their resume on the first date.”
“He looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Every time I lok at you, I see my ex.’”
“He broke up with me on Mardi Gras while I was hungover and after I concussed myself by walking into a pole.”
“I, in the words of my roommate, ‘rizzed her up with chess.’”
“I got the ick when I learned she was from Peoria, IL.”
DEFINE SEX... Horny horizontal tango
I think sex is defined as relations with a person that result in mutual pleasure
SPA SPA
R
A S
N G LI
MOST POPULAR SEX TOYS
786 RESPONSES
VIBRATOR
39.6%
NS
TA
SEXPLO SEXPLO DILDO
13.6%
WHE
BUTT PLUG
4.9%
STRAP-ON
4.8%
HANDCUFFS
11.4%
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OUR PICK OF SUBMITTED KINKS
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40.3%
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29.9% of those are long distance
65.3% of students
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87.5% of students use protection
706 RESPONSES
use dating apps
1,039 RESPONSES
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any academic buildin any parking garage o any elevator on cam any laundry room on athletic complex........ brookings quad orch DUC................................ DUC - showers............. olin library - stacks... olin library - study ro res areas - common r res areas - hammock res areas - study roo the roof of any build other..............................
817 RESPONSES
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HOW OFTEN STUDENTS MASTURBATE
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35% 30% 25% 20% 15% 10% 5% 0%
52.4% WOMEN
79.9% MEN
68.4% OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE GENDER BINARY
WATCH PORN 826 RESPONSES
SCAN IN THE SPOTIFY APP TO LISTEN TO THE SUBMITTED SEX SONGS
ACE ACE
ORATION ORATION SEX BY CLASS
Libra: 77.6% Scorpio: 76.3% Sagittarius: 68.2% Capricorn: 71.4% Aquarius: 74.2% Pisces: 69.7%
SEX BY SCHOOL Sam Fox: 73.5% ArtSci: 71.9% Olin: 73.2% McKelvey: 76.8%
69
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have had sex
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Aries: 70.2% Taurus: 75.6% Gemini: 69.1% Cancer: 73.7% Leo: 77.2% Virgo: 77.3%
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of students have had sex, but actually
SEX BY STAR SIGN
A-T
63% 73% you thought
First-year: 60.3% Sophomore: 70.0% Junior: 81.9% Senior: 84.9%
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REVERSE COWGIRL
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MOST POPULAR SEX POSITIONS 432 RESPONSES
ME TH OD S:
% 6 . 2 ve ha s t n de stu f o n da ha
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ES NS O P S RE 849
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ng......................150 on campus.......93 mpus....................70 n campus..........45 ............................18 hestra pit...........12 ............................23 .............................13 ............................27 ooms...................27 rooms..............166 ks........................48 oms...................102 ding.....................32 ............................91
400 RESPONSES
AVERAGE RICE PURITY SCORE:
52
ABOUT THE SURVEY The statistics in this survey are based on the answers of 1,100 students who took our survey from Jan. 16th to Feb. 5th. The group included: 209 First year 331 Sophomore 205 Junior 209 Senior 46 Fifth-year senior or older
94 Sam Fox 669 ArtSci 84 Olin 215 McKelvey 4 Law 5 Brown School 4 Med school 1 CAPS
618 women 408 men 53 people outside the gender binary
40 ace 250 bi 51 gay 42 lesbian 27 pan 49 questioning 83 queer 643 strait
Enjoy browsing our findings, but keep in mind that the data represents approximately 6.6% of the student population and is self-reported, so take everything with a grain of salt.
Illustrated and Designed by Ryan Davis, Tuesday Hadden, Haley Levin, and Sydney Tran
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2024
6 STUDENT LIFE
Asking my gynecologist mom your sex questions SYLVIE RICHARDS SENIOR FORUM EDITOR Due to persistent stigma about sex and sexuality, especially in the U.S., openly discussing sexual and reproductive health can be uncomfortable and hard for a lot of people. At the same time, there is a lack of standardized and comprehensive sex education in the United States. This stigma and lack of education leave people with gaps in their understanding of sexual health, while providing them with few spaces to ask questions. A couple of weeks ago, Student Life sent out a form for students to anonymously ask their sexual and reproductive health questions to a gynecologist. For this year’s Sex Issue, I wanted to give people a place to ask these questions, so I called my mom, obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Jody Steinauer. It is important to note that while gynecologists specialize in reproductive health medicine for people with uteruses, they are not experts on sexual health and sexuality. Sexuality educators specialize in teaching and training culturally-informed sex education. My mom answered these questions by using her professional knowledge and consulting other reliable resources. WashU has many stigma-free, inclusive, and accessible sexual health education resources that you can consult if you have further questions.
Q: What are the most common misconceptions you see or hear that you wish people didn’t have? Dr. Jody Steinauer: People shouldn’t go to the gynecologist when they are on their period. If this were true, a quarter of my patients would cancel on me all the time. If there is one thing we are comfortable with — it’s bleeding. We handle birth and miscarriages (lots of blood). It’s totally
normal for us. People should douche or clean the inside of their vaginas. This is a bad idea — just clean with soap and water, and just on the outside. Putting solutions with weird chemicals in the vagina can mess up the microflora of the vagina and put you at risk of inflammatory conditions like yeast infections or conditions where the stinky bacteria grow too much, called bacterial vaginosis. Pap smears screen for sexually transmitted infections. They only screen for cervical dysplasia and cancer. If you want to be screened for STIs, please let us know. Some of these tests can be done on urine samples, and others in a blood sample. Emergency contraception and medication abortion are the same. They aren’t! Emergency contraception is a medication you take (pills) or an IUD you have placed in your uterus after intercourse to prevent fertilization. Medication abortion is medication you take when you are pregnant to end the pregnancy and pass the pregnancy like a miscarriage. Getting a sexually transmitted infection means that you are bad or did something wrong. STIs are common and there is so much stigma around them! Chlamydia is common, Herpes Simplex Virus is common, they are all common! Please become informed about them and how to prevent them, and do what you can to lower your chance of getting them. That includes talking openly with your partners, getting screened, and using condoms if a penis is involved. And once you and your partners decide it is okay to not use condoms, that is okay, too. If you have symptoms, please get checked and treated as soon as possible. Abortion is dangerous and causes long-term harm to fertility. There is so much evidence about this, and it’s absolutely not
true. Abortion is one of the safest health experiences — it’s safer than having a baby and even safer than a tooth extraction, and there’s no impact on long-term health issues like infertility. Abortion is also very common, yet it continues to be stigmatized. Withdrawal is a highly effective birth control method. While it is safer than doing nothing at all, it is still not that effective. Out of 100 people who rely on withdrawal as their contraceptive, about 20 will get pregnant in a year. IUDs are dangerous. They aren’t! There are some very small risks when they are placed (discomfort, for example, but ask your clinician to use local anesthesia), but once in, IUDs are very safe. The vagina gets looser if you have more sexual partners. Not true. The vagina is highly resilient and can relax and tighten back to its normal size.
Q: Can women get “blue balls”? JS: Thank you for asking me this question! I honestly did not know the answer until I researched it. “Blue balls” is a slang term for epididymal hypertension, where people with testicles are highly aroused but do not orgasm. They can experience swelling in their genitals that can be uncomfortable and painful. According to a study of 2,600 people, about 56% have experienced pain when they got close to orgasm without ejaculating, and 7% described it as severe pain. This experience is not life-threatening and can be relieved by time or masturbation. People with vaginas can also experience uncomfortable engorgement or swelling of their genitals when they are very aroused and do not orgasm. In the same study, 42% had experienced it, and 1% found it to be severely painful. Some interesting names that I found for this were pink pelvis, blue vulva syndrome, and, my favorite, blue bean (referring
How to write a love letter
to the clitoris). I was sad to see that in the same study, amongst people with a penis or a vagina, many reported experiences of coercion because of their sexual partners’ “blue balls.” I want to make it clear that if someone ever says that you must have sex with them or bring them to orgasm because they will otherwise experience “blue balls,” that is sexual coercion.
Q: When should a non-sexually active person with a vagina begin to see a gynecologist? Are there any annual checkup tests you can skip if you’ve never had sex? JS: Whether or not you are sexually active, beginning at age 21, it is recommended that you are screened for cervical cancer (also known as a pap smear) every three years. But you can definitely start seeing someone earlier for gynecological care if you have specific symptoms, questions, or concerns. This care can be done by anyone with gynecologic expertise — it can be a gynecologist OR a nurse practitioner, physician assistant, family physician, pediatrician, or internist (anyone who provides primary care). Also, remember that gynecologic care is not the only aspect of health care that you need to pay attention to. A helpful resource is MyHealthFinder by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where you put in your age and gender and it will tell you all the basic health care screening you should have.
Read the rest online:
ILLUSTRATION BY TUESDAY HADDEN AMELIA RADEN JUNIOR FORUM EDITOR This Valentine’s Day, it’s time to brush up on your love letter writing game. Embrace your inner Shakespeare and write your sweetheart a letter they definitely won’t forget.
Your letter should be on paper. No exceptions. If you have terrible handwriting, type it and print. If you’re in a long-distance relationship, plan ahead and mail it. Nobody wants a love letter in their inbox signed Paperless Post in the bottom right-hand corner. Or in their Instagram DMs.
Choose your audience wisely.
There are so many people in your life that deserve a love letter. Dear friends, partners, and crushes are all great options. Not on the list are exes, professors, and people who have already rejected your affection.
Stay away from slang. Writing a love letter is a sweet, personal gesture drawing on tradition from millions of romantics over thousands of years. Please don’t say things like “ily,” “simp,” or “iykyk.” If you’re going to do that, you may as well send your message on Snapchat over a selfie of your jawline.
ChatGPT is not your friend.
Not only will it likely not be much help, but your beloved probably wouldn’t be thrilled if they ever found out that a meaningful token of your love was written by a robot. Not to mention, they probably know you can’t use the word “pulchritudinous” in a sentence without some serious help.
No need to stress over not finding the right words.
If you’re not into the romantic writing thing, there is no shame in borrowing someone else’s words. Feel free to look to and quote some of the greats. Browse the work of Pablo Neruda, Rainer Maria Rilke, or Emily Dickinson for inspiration. Alternatively, you could find another solution. The key is that you create a physical representation of how you feel about another person, something tangible that they can keep and look to in the future. If you don’t feel like words can do that for you, then don’t use them. Try making a Victorian puzzle purse. Or check out early 20th century cartoonist Alfred Joseph Freuh who created a miniature art gallery for his wife or these modern interpretations of his craft. Nothing says “I love you” like a miniature rendition of Brancusi’s “The Kiss.” (I’m not kidding.)
Staff List: Pop (culture) the cherry Our favorite recent pop culture moments — sex edition
United States of Anal: Gay Sex in the Senate???
Images and videos of a Senate staffer circulated social media feeds after a sex tape taken in a Senate hearing room was leaked on Dec. 15, 2023. The staffer, Aidan Maese-Czeropski, was fired mere days after the tape leaked, the fastest turnaround time for anything in congressional history. I guess this was a good way to raise awareness for LGBTQ+ issues, as I’ve never seen so many politicians tune in to gay pornography (so publicly). Anyway, my heart goes out to the staffer who has bared it all for America. As George Santos, ex-congressman and self-proclaimed icon, once said, “There is no such thing as diva down, it’s always diva up.” But when it comes to being on all fours on a Senate table, maybe it’s okay to keep some things down… — Elle Miles, Contributing Writer
Matt is Rife with Facetuned Dick Pics and Fear of Vaginas First, comedian Matt Rife made influencer Brooke Schofield think she was the only one…that is, until he said he was too busy for a relationship and she got put in a group chat of girls he’d been sleeping with at the same time. He
wasn’t lying when he said he was busy. While he was in these relationships, he took to a podcast to share what every fan needed to hear — he is “disgusted” by outie vaginas. It’s funny how Matt is horrified by over 50% of vaginas while also facetuning his dick pics… Not only did he beat the comedy charts with one of the most disliked comedy specials of all time (where he made a joke about domestic violence); he also beat laws of probability! But don’t worry, at least Matt loves children. He started beef with a 6-yearold boy on TikTok, telling him, “Your mom buys you presents with the money she makes on OnlyFans.” How sweet! Truly, Matt, before you defame over half of people with vaginas and make fun of sex workers and domestic violence survivors, at least make better jokes. — Sylvie Richards, Senior Forum Editor
Saltburn Semen-atography
If I took a sip every time a shot in this movie was dropdead gorgeous, I think I’d pass away. This film begs the question: how much can cinematographic beauty justify the worst things I have ever witnessed on a screen? You cannot convince me that (the man, the myth, the legend)
Margot Robbie produced this movie while filming “Barbie.” I think it speaks volumes that immediately after watching, I had to make a list ranking its top 10 most horrific moments (for those that are in the know, No. 1 was the bathtub slurping). Barry Keoghan (playing Oliver Quick, the most British name I’ve ever heard in my life) does a wonderful job being just off-putting enough to make many of the scenes in the film creepy. There were so many plot twists in the last 20 minutes that I think I sustained brain damage from the whiplash. Watch this film if you need to remind yourself that you are both 1) alive and 2) alive while this is not considered the weirdest thing society has produced in the last 6 months. — Uma Simhan, Contributing Writer
Gaslight. Gatekeep. George Santos.
No contest. America struggles to find a more ideal patriot than that in the self-proclaimed “Mary Magdalene of the United States Congress,” George Anthony Devolder Santos. This scrappy New Yorker seemed perfect for the job of a government official through his many saintly acts of wire fraud, followed closely by his claims that “9/11 was a victimless crime.” Sadly, his
time on C-SPAN (and as an American sweetheart, if there really is a distinction) came to an end through discovery of him spending copious amounts of campaign funds on online porn. If that is a crime, society lives in chains. — Jacob Fisher, Contributing Writer
critiquing the media for scrutinizing her dating life. I’m all for treating celebrities with the respect and humanity they deserve, but was Grande really clueless enough to hope her fans and critics would keep to themselves about her salacious affair? — Maya Mathisson, Contributing Writer
Spongebob (can’t keep his d*ck in his) SquarePants
Anyone Butt You
“Your business is yours, and mine is mine,” right, Ariana Grande? Well, not when you’re an international superstar. Ariana Grande’s dating life has been strewn all over the internet for years, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she went from an odd taste in men (cough cough Pete Davidson) to a scandalous cheating escapade. After recently divorcing her ex-husband, Dalton Gomez, Grande is dating none other than Broadway’s SpongeBob SquarePants himself, Ethan Slater. To make matters even sillier, Slater divorced his high school sweetheart, wife of four years, and mother of his child after canoodling on set with Grande while the two co-starred on 2024’s “Wicked.” In the heat of the scandal, Grande released her song, “yes, and?” along with its corresponding music video
The undeniably thirsty marketing for “Anyone But You” has us all searching for that Sydney Sweeney-Glen Powell chemistry. Kidding. I’m all for bringing back the Shakespeare-inspired romcom, but was this the way to do it? Two reportedly-brokenoff engagements between four incredibly hot amd famous people? Okay, there is like an 85% chance it was all PR. But listen, true stories always make for the best PR. — Amelia Raden, Junior Forum Editor
Simone Biles’ Husband Jonathan Owens, most famously known as Simone Biles’ husband, recently claimed that he was “the catch” in the relationship. The full quote: “I always say the man, the catch.” In response to this statement, the hashtag # S i m o n e B i l e s Hu s b a n d blew up on X, poking fun at how nobody even knows his
name. Mrs. and Mr. Simone Biles have since responded to the criticism, hoping that it will all eventually blow over. Odds are this hope will come true and the comment will fade into obscurity, just like Mr. Biles himself! — Jordan Spector, Junior Forum Editor
Kylie Jenner and… Timothée Chalamet? The hottest Victorian child of the 21st century and the self-made entrepreneur of Kardashian-Jenner fame are…a thing?! Didn’t have that one on my 2023 bingo card. Nevertheless, they make great entertainment if you have fun thinking hard thoughts like “How?” and “... How?” It was probably Timothée’s “Statistics” rap that won her over; she has a thing for rappers, right? Anyway, hopefully they stay together; I am personally enjoying the resurgence of Bad Lip Reading content that I forgot existed (IYKYK). My personal favorite interpreted line from their date — where they happened to be at the Golden Globes — was *insert burp noise*. Reddit user @italianstiletto thinks that they “saw a few ‘i love you’s’ and ‘baby’s,’ which is sappy and gross.” So true. — Kate Theerman Rodriguez, Contributing Writer
STUDENT LIFE 7
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2024
A History Major’s Guide to Sex Throughout the Ages JACOB RITHOLZ STAFF WRITER It probably does not surprise you to hear that sex today is wildly different than it was centuries or even millennia ago. You may have even heard that the Ancient Greeks were incredibly and fabulously gay. But how much of that is true, and how did we get here? Well, let’s take a look through the annals of various civilizations in human history to find out. If you’ve ever felt that love was a curse or disease that you needed to rid yourself of, you are not alone. The people of Mesopotamia, the world’s earliest civilization, considered lovesickness to be a real medical problem. A problem that, like today, had no known cure. Mesopotamians had many societal staples we indulge in today, like love songs and poems. The reason, though, why love was considered such an issue back then is a little different from today. At that point, the system of marriage was a vital business that ensured population and family growth. Finding sexual partners reflected this mindset. Women were beholden to whichever stranger chose her, and their marriage became a
contract between the husband and the wife’s father. There are some similarities to today, though. Mesopotamians had engagements, ceremonies, and even wedding parties. The Mesopotamians were quite liberal in their sexual escapades for the time, too! They would commonly use anal sex as a form of contraception, and would frequently switch typical male and female roles in the bedroom. Cheating was considered a crime, punishable by death. Adultery wasn’t just a deal-breaker, it was a life-ender. In Ancient Greece, sex was closely connected to the creation of the earth, and it was rampant across mythology. These stories set a precedent of male domination, with a cavalier attitude towards female sexuality. Women in early Greek art were portrayed similarly to present societal standards, with full breasts, a small waist, and large hips, but this was likely not sexual in nature for the Greeks. Rather, it was a sign of a woman’s high status. Later on, different customs developed. This is where the notion that the Greeks were gay stemmed from. While homosexual intercourse was somewhat common in
Ancient Greek society, it was not the same it is now. The Greeks practiced pederasty, where older Greek men would have sex with young boys, who were usually in puberty or younger. The two would form a unique bond where the older Greek, called philetor, would train and teach the boy, called kleinos, in the woods about various life skills. Still, there were significant sects of society that condemned the practice. In Rome, Caesar Augustus pushed a policy that today could be described as instilling “traditional values” as a way to address declining populations. Even in societies that “accepted” homosexuality, their understanding of it was entirely different from our modern view, and the practice still met significant backlash. Sexual activity between women also appears throughout the ancient world, though it is noticeably less written about then male homosexual sex. In Ancient Egypt, lesbianism was observed and practiced in a variety of ways. Dreams of lesbianism were seen as a bad omen, according to records. Sometimes, poorer women would commission love spells on other
women to make them fall in love with them. Early imperial China’s records of lesbianism imply that the practice was accepted, and perhaps even encouraged. The Dongxuanzi Fangzhong Shu, a sex handbook, contains a position involving two women scissoring, dating the practice all the way back to the fifth century. One of my favorite position names is “flying seagull sex,” that is, “the man standing by the bed, raising the woman’s feet, and inserting the penis into the vagina.” Sex during this time period in China was also very closely tied to gender. Men would sometimes dress and appear as women, taking on more of a submissive role during sex. Oftentimes, this involved male prostitutes. These men were sometimes not simply acting, but treated fully as women in a court of law and subject to different clothing and appearance laws than other men. Masculinity and femininity were less about your genitals, but more so about how you acted and what role you took in the bedroom. If you are having trouble getting laid lately, perhaps you should try to emulate Padre Francisco da Costa of late 1400s Portugal. Well,
ILLUSTRATION BY ANAELDA RAMOS maybe not, but his story is still interesting. The man, a man of the Church nonetheless, had 299 children! With 53 different women! Talk about getting around. He was set to be killed for his crimes, but was pardoned by the King. So if you are going to attempt something like this, make sure to have some connections to get you out of trouble. The view of sex changing from the past to the present is due to many different factors. The spread of the Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam)
certainly played a part, with their traditionally tough views on sexually deviant behavior. Marriage being used as a political tool, and being less about love or choice, also affected things, resulting in less overall choice for the participants. Ultimately, the question of what exactly changed civilizations’ outlook on sexuality cannot be answered by any one single concept or event. But I still hope you found this guide interesting, and who knows, maybe even helpful for your own sex life.
The Next Taylor and Travis: The athlete-celebrity pairings StudLife wants to see Over the last year, no cultural news shook the internet like the burgeoning love between Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. Swift, whose iconic Eras Tour took over the U.S. and the world, was named the 2023 TIME Person of the Year. Meanwhile, Kelce, who is arguably the greatest tight end in NFL history, won his second Super Bowl in February and is now playing for a third ring. While the two are not the first example of an athlete + celebrity power couple (see Josh Allen and Hailee Steinfeld, Russell Wilson and Ciara, Justin Verlander and Kate Upton, Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union, and David and Victoria Beckham), Taylor and Travis have shaken the internet in a way few others have. As a result, the StudLife Sports section (experts in both sports and pop culture), decided to share the next power couples we want to see take the world by storm.
Patrick Mahomes & Olivia Rodrigo Let’s be honest: Travis Kelce is getting a lot of press right now. Kelce’s relationship with Taylor Swift is only elevating his national profile — the Chiefs’ tight end could probably drop every pass next season and still be the most famous American athlete right now. While both Kelce and his quarterback, Patrick Mahomes, have had illustrious careers, this is the first time where the tight end has overshadowed Mahomes. To put it one way, Mahomes needs to “get him back” and enter a celebrity relationship of his own. Olivia Rodrigo, who some would argue is close to Swift in terms of songwriting ability and pop stardom, is the perfect match. While it might be a “bad idea (right?),” a MahomesRodrigo partnership would make Kelce feel “jealousy, jealousy” while making the QB “happier.”
Alex Morgan & Timothée Chalamet Over the years, Alex Morgan has become one of the most iconic women’s soccer players on the planet. While she has made her career playing for the U.S. Women’s National Team and countless
teams in the National Women’s Soccer League, she has also spent some time playing in France — one season playing for Lyon. As a result, we figured she’d be a great fit with Timothée Chalamet, an actor who holds both French and American citizenship and spent summers outside of Lyon growing up. While both are taken (Morgan is married to former soccer player Servando Carrasco and Chalamet is in an iconic relationship with Kylie Jenner), we think that these two could make a great couple in the future if their current pairings don’t work out.
Shakira & Sergio Ramos When international pop star Shakira and Spanish soccer star Gerard Pique broke up, it naturally grabbed headlines. What was an even more newsworthy story, however, might have been how she found out he was cheating: discovering that someone had eaten her beloved jam that Pique never touched. For the famous singer with hits like “Hips Don’t Lie” and “Waka Waka,” there is only one way to get back at him after his devastating betrayal: traverse the biggest rivalry in world soccer and choose Sergio Ramos instead. Ramos and Pique played together on the Spanish national team but were fierce competitors when they faced off in El Clasico twice a year, with Ramos representing the white of Real Madrid and Pique donning the blue and red stripes of FC Barcelona. Opting for his former rival would be the perfect way for Shakira to get back at her ex after his disloyalty.
Jalen Brunson & Kendall Jenner The world is well accustomed to the likes of Kendall Jenner — TV star, supermodel, and Instagram celebrity. But it’s about time that the world gets to know the legend of Jalen Brunson, NBA superstar and face of the New York Knicks franchise. Despite standing 6’2 on a good day, Brunson was recently named to his first NBA All-Star game and has counting stats that exceed the likes of Stephen Curry, Damian Lillard, and some of the league’s finest guards (fourth in the NBA in points
scored!). I hate to break up Jalen and his wife Ali, who have been happily married for the last year, but it’s time to get spicy and bring some Kardashian-Jenner magic and paparazzi to Madison Square Garden. Plus, according to Wikipedia, Jenner is 5’11”, and Jalen Brunson Jr. will need all the height he can get to join his father and grandfather in the orange and blue.
Caitlin Clark & Victor Wembanyama In men’s and women’s basketball, two young stars are taking over the game like few others have. Throughout her illustrious college career at the University of Iowa, Caitlin Clark’s sharpshooting and ballhandling have made her a star. The six-foot star is closing in on the NCAA all-time scoring record, and we would love to see the duo she could form with NBA first-overall draft pick Victor Wembanyama. The 7’4” Frenchman is taking the league by storm, thanks to his ability to pull off things no other people his size have ever done. The world isn’t ready for the combination of college basketball’s most lethal shooter and the NBA’s newest physical specimen.
Pat McAfee & Kellyanne Conway Pat McAfee has become a household name, hosting the controversial and entertaining Pat McAfee Show on ESPN. The former Indianapolis Colt and West Virginia University alum, who tallied 26,669 yards over 575 punts in the league, has found his groove in cable television. His success has been despite, or perhaps because of, depending on who you ask, occasionally butting heads with executives at ESPN (thanks in large part to Aaron Rodgers). Similarly, Kellyanne Conway, a former Fox News contributor and political consultant, is not afraid to ruffle feathers and once compared the Super Bowl to the 2016 election. Together, the two would be a couple full of hot takes, sure to create many more headaches in Bristol, CT.
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THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2024
8 STUDENT LIFE
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e Can w try...
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