A PRAYER
2 0 1 2
First Publication: Feb 2012
Duration: ca. 11 minutes
Wang Jie Music, ASCAP PO Box 299 New York, NY 10025
Date of printing: Jan. 23 2012
Contact Wang Jie: 212.380.1483
www wangjiemusic com
With kind permission from Paul, I have shortened his piece for purpose of this song. The entirety of his work A Prayer can be read in the Appendix of this edition – Wang Jie
A PRAYER
by#Paul#Simms
Lord? Please don’t let me die in a funny way.
Like being beaten to death with a shoe. Especially not my own shoe. And, if it absolutely has to be my own shoe, I’d rather not be wearing it at the time.
Or like choking on my own fist during a bar bet.
Perhaps I should clarify a little. I do know that I’m going to die someday. (Maybe soon! That’s Your call.) And I know there’s nothing funny about death at least, that’s the current thinking from this side. I’m just asking to not die in a way that leads people who don’t know me to e- mail one another news items about my death. For instance:
Please don’t let me get so fat that paramedics have to come to my house and cut out a wall to remove me but then bang my head against a load-bearing pillar in the process, thus killing me. Please don’t let me die on or near or perhaps worst of all because of a toilet.
Please don’t let my death in any way involve one of those giant inflatable rats that union protesters put up outside non-union job sites. Or a blimp of any kind. Until I see some evidence to the contrary, I’m going to have to say that my dying because of just about anything inflatable would be something I’d rather avoid. A hot-air balloon, I guess, would be O.K., but only if I’m actually in the balloon at the time. At least that would be kind of rugged and outdoorsy. What I’m trying to say is: if someone else’s hot-air balloon falls out of the sky and smothers me while I’m lying in a hammock reading Hot Air Balloon Enthusiast magazine, I’m going to be a little pissed.
I apologize for that language, Lord, but I’m just trying to be honest with You.
A vehicular accident? Fine. Bring it on. I understand that, statistically, there’s a pretty good chance of that happening anyway. Just please don’t let it involve a moped. Or a go -kart.
Also, I’d prefer not to die in a head-on collision with someone who against all odds has the same name as me. Or anyone named, for instance, Roger Crash. Or Ed Oncollision. Or Jennifer Safedriver. I could go on, but I think You get the point.
I’m sure You get this one a lot, but: please don’t let me die during sex. Unless the technical cause of my death is a heart attack or a stroke. If I have to die during sex, please don’t make the cause of death any of the following: extreme dehydration, a previously undiagnosed allergy to fruit-scented or
“massage” oils, dermatological complications arising from severe rug burn, or anything involving the use or misuse of any object best described as “foreign.”
Please don’t let me die in a way that allows the Post to run a small item about my death on page 12 or 13 or so under the headline “dude, where’s my corpse?” Or “dumb and deader.” Or “dead and deader.” Or “the house of sand and dead.” Or “j. lo’s latest nuptials postponed due to lethal tent-raising mishap.”
Please don’t let me cut my own head off while trying to revive the lost Scouting pastime of mumblety-peg.
I would have to consider any fatality involving a prolapsed anus, of course, absolutely beyond the pale. I mean, come on, Lord.
Even if I don’t die in a funny way, I’d still rather not die on the same day as some other person who does die in a funny way. Because I don’t want any version of the following conversation to occur between my friends:
Friend One: Did you read his obituary?
Friend Two: Yeah. Nice piece.
Friend One: Very nice.
Friend Two: He would have liked it.
Friend One: That he would have. That he would have. (Awkward silence.)
Friend Two: Did you see that other obituary about the banana wholesaler who actually slipped on the Friend One: Yeah. You couldn’t make that up!
Well, that’s about it, Lord.
Actually as long as I’ve got You.
If some kind of rare organism eats away at my body from the inside, please let it be microscopic. Or just slightly larger than microscopic. Let’s put it this way: if it’s big enough to have a face, that would be too big.
Thank You for Your time, Lord.
P R O G RAM NOTE
What you are about to hear is inspired by one of my favorite writers, Paul Simms. He is brilliantly funny and makes me smile every time I come across his work. This is my best effort to adapt what he does into musical terms. I hope you like it. And if it doesn't make you laugh, the fault is mine and not his. Paul, if you're out there, thank you very much!
– Wang Jie
Paul Simms
cut out a wall to re move - me but then bang my head a gainst - a load bear - ing - pil lar - in the pro cess -
thus kill ing - me. Please
don't let me die on or near or per haps - worst of all, be
A hot-air balloon, I guess, would be O.K,
... but only if I'm actually in the balloon at the time. At least that would be kind of rugged and outdoorsy.
What I'm trying to say is: if someone else's hot-air balloon falls out of the sky and smothers me while I'm lying in a hammock reading
for that lang -uage Lord, sub p but I'm just try ing
on - col li - sion - with some one - who has the
Please mp don't let me cut my own head off while try ing -
Pno. to re vive - the lost cresc. scout ing - past time - of
cresc.
Speaking to the pianist
"Did you read his obituary?" "Very nice." "That he would have. That he would have."
"Yeah. Nice piece." "He would have liked it."
pp sempre similar speaking As if interrupting
(Awkward silence.)
"Did you see that other obituary about the banana wholesaler who actually slipped on the---"
lar ger - than mic ro - sco - pic. - Let's put it this way:
if it's big e nough - to have a face, that would be too big.
Y 5 , 2 0 0 4
Lo r d ?
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me d i e i n a f u n n y wa y .
Li k e b e i n g b e a t e n t o d e a t h wi t h a s h o e .
Es p e c i a l l y n o t my o wn s h o e . An d , i f i t a b s o l u t e l y h a s
t o b e my o wn s h o e , I ’ d r a t h e r n o t b e we a r i n g i t a t t h e
t i me .
Or l i k e c h o k i n g o n my o wn f i s t d u r i n g a b a r b e t .
Pe r h a p s I s h o u l d c l a r i f y a l i t t l e . I d o k n o w t h a t
I ’ m g o i n g t o d i e s o me d a y . ( Ma y b e s o o n ! Th a t ’ s Yo u r
c a l l .) An d I k n o w t h e r e ’ s n o t h i n g f u n n y a b o u t d e a t h
a t l e a s t , t h a t ’ s t h e c u r r e n t t h i n k i n g f r o m t h i s s i d e .
I ’ m j u s t a s k i n g t o n o t d i e i n a wa y t h a t l e a d s p e o p l e
wh o d o n ’ t k n o w me t o e - ma i l o n e a n o t h e r n e ws i t e ms
a b o u t my d e a t h . Fo r i n s t a n c e :
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me g e t s o f a t t h a t p a r a me d i c s
h a v e t o c o me t o my h o u s e a n d c u t o u t a wa l l t o
r e mo v e me b u t t h e n b a n g my h e a d a g a i n s t a l o a d -
b e a r i n g p i l l a r i n t h e p r o c e s s , t h u s k i l l i n g me .
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me d i e o n o r n e a r o r p e r h a p s wo r s t o f a l l b e c a u s e o f a t o i l e t . ( Th i s
i n c l u d e s a u r i n a l o r a b a s e b a l l - s t a d i u m- s t y l e u r i n e t r o u g h , i n a d d i t i o n t o a s t a n d a r d c o mmo d e )
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t my d e a t h i n a n y wa y i n v o l v e o n e o f t h o s e g i a n t i n f l a t a b l e r a t s t h a t u n i o n
p r o t e s t e r s p u t u p o u t s i d e n o n - u n i o n j o b s i t e s . Or a b l i mp o f a n y k i n d . Un t i l I s e e s o me e v i d e n c e
t o t h e c o n t r a r y , I ’ m g o i n g t o h a v e t o s a y t h a t my d y i n g b e c a u s e o f j u s t a b o u t a n y t h i n g i n f l a t a b l e
wo u l d b e s o me t h i n g I ’ d r a t h e r a v o i d A h o t - a i r b a l l o o n , I g u e s s , wo u l d b e O K , b u t o n l y i f I ’ m
a c t u a l l y i n t h e b a l l o o n a t t h e t i me . At l e a s t t h a t wo u l d b e k i n d o f r u g g e d a n d o u t d o o r s y . Wh a t
I ’ m t r y i n g t o s a y i s : i f s o me o n e e l s e ’ s h o t - a i r b a l l o o n f a l l s o u t o f t h e s k y a n d s mo t h e r s me wh i l e
I ’ m l y i n g i n a h a mmo c k r e a d i n g Ho t Ai r Ba l l o o n En t h u s i a s t ma g a z i n e , I ’ m g o i n g t o b e a l i t t l e
p i s s e d
I a p o l o g i z e f o r t h a t l a n g u a g e , Lo r d , b u t I ’ m j u s t t r y i n g t o b e h o n e s t wi t h Yo u .
A v e h i c u l a r a c c i d e n t ? Fi n e . Br i n g i t o n . I u n d e r s t a n d t h a t , s t a t i s t i c a l l y , t h e r e ’ s a p r e t t y g o o d
c h a n c e o f t h a t h a p p e n i n g a n y wa y . J u s t p l e a s e d o n ’ t l e t i t i n v o l v e a mo p e d . Or a g o - k a r t .
Al s o , I ’ d p r e f e r n o t t o d i e i n a h e a d - o n c o l l i s i o n wi t h s o me o n e wh o a g a i n s t a l l o d d s h a s
t h e s a me n a me a s me . Or a n y o n e n a me d , f o r i n s t a n c e , Ro g e r Cr a s h . Or Ed On c o l l i s i o n . Or
J e n n i f e r Sa f e d r i v e r . I c o u l d g o o n , b u t I t h i n k Yo u g e t t h e p o i n t .
I ’ m s u r e Yo u g e t t h i s o n e a l o t , b u t : p l e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me d i e d u r i n g s e x . Un l e s s t h e t e c h n i c a l
c a u s e o f my d e a t h i s a h e a r t a t t a c k o r a s t r o k e . I f I h a v e t o d i e d u r i n g s e x , p l e a s e d o n ’ t ma k e t h e
c a u s e o f d e a t h a n y o f t h e f o l l o wi n g : e x t r e me d e h y d r a t i o n , a p r e v i o u s l y u n d i a g n o s e d a l l e r g y t o
f r u i t - s c e n t e d o r “ ma s s a g e ” o i l s , d e r ma t o l o g i c a l c o mp l i c a t i o n s a r i s i n g f r o m s e v e r e r u g b u r n , o r
a n y t h i n g i n v o l v i n g t h e u s e o r mi s u s e o f a n y o b j e c t b e s t d e s c r i b e d a s “ f o r e i g n . ”
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me d i e i n a wa y t h a t a l l o ws t h e Po s t t o r u n a s ma l l i t e m a b o u t my d e a t h o n
p a g e 1 2 o r 1 3 o r s o u n d e r t h e h e a d l i n e “ dude, wher e’ s my cor pse?” Or “ dumb and deader ” Or “ dead and deader . ” Or “ the house of sand and dead.” Or “ j. lo’ s latest nuptials postponed due to lethal tent- r aising mishap.”
Pl e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me c u t my o wn h e a d o f f wh i l e t r y i n g t o r e v i v e t h e l o s t Sc o u t i n g p a s t i me o f mu mb l e t y - p e g .
I wo u l d h a v e t o c o n s i d e r a n y f a t a l i t y i n v o l v i n g a p r o l a p s e d a n u s , o f c o u r s e , a b s o l u t e l y
b e y o n d t h e p a l e . I me a n , c o me o n , Lo r d .
Al s o a n d I ’ m n o t t r y i n g t o s p l i t h a i r s wi t h Yo u , Lo r d wh e n I a s k Yo u t o n o t l e t me d i e i n
a f u n n y wa y , I a l s o me a n p l e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me d i e i n a n o t e wo r t h i l y i r o n i c wa y . Me a n i n g :
wh e t h e r my d e a t h i s “ h a - h a ” f u n n y o r t h e o t h e r k i n d o f f u n n y , n e i t h e r o f t h o s e i s wh a t I ’ m i n
t h e ma r k e t f o r . Fo r i n s t a n c e , p l e a s e d o n ’ t l e t me g o o n a Sl e e p wa l k e r s An o n y mo u s Ou t wa r d
Bo u n d - t y p e r e t r e a t a n d s l e e p wa l k i n t o a c a n y o n o r g o r g e i n t h e mi d d l e o f t h e n i g h t .
An d , i f Yo u d e e m i t n e c e s s a r y ( o r j u s t a mu s i n g ) t o t a k e my mi n d b e f o r e Yo u t a k e my b o d y ,
l e t ’ s t r y t o k e e p t h e p r o g r e s s i v e d e me n t i a n o b l e a n d e p i c a l l y s a d r a t h e r t h a n c o mi c a l . Fo r
e x a mp l e : p l e a s e l e t t h e l a s t f a c e I r e c o g n i z e b e t h e p h o t o g r a p h o f a l o n g - l o s t h i g h - s c h o o l
g i r l f r i e n d a n d n o t o n e o f t h e p l u c k y t o d d l e r s f r o m t h e a n i ma t e d s h o w “ Ru g r a t s . ” I n my f i n a l
mo me n t s , l e t me a wa k e n a p p a r e n t l y l u c i d i n t h e p r e - d a wn h o u r s c a l l i n g o u t f o r a k i s s o n t h e
f o r e h e a d f r o m a d e a d g r e a t - a u n t r a t h e r t h a n f r o m t h e mu s t a c h i o e d b l a c k b a r t e n d e r o n “ Th e
Lo v e Bo a t . ”
Or f r o m t h e a c t o r wh o p l a y e d h i m, f o r t h a t ma t t e r .
Ev e n i f I d o n ’ t d i e i n a f u n n y wa y , I ’ d s t i l l r a t h e r n o t d i e o n t h e s a me d a y a s s o me o t h e r
p e r s o n wh o d o e s d i e i n a f u n n y wa y . Be c a u s e I d o n ’ t wa n t a n y v e r s i o n o f t h e f o l l o wi n g
c o n v e r s a t i o n t o o c c u r b e t we e n my f r i e n d s :
Fr ien d On e: Did you r ead his obituar y?
Fr ien d T wo : Yeah. Nice piece.
Fr ien d On e: Ver y nice
Fr ien d T wo : He would have liked it
Fr ien d On e: T hat he would have T hat he would have ( Awkwar d silence. )
Fr ien d T wo : Did you see that other obituar y about the banana wholesaler who actually slipped on the Fr ien d On e: Yeah. You couldn’ t make that up!
We l l , t h a t ’ s a b o u t i t , Lo r d .
Ac t u a l l y a s l o n g a s I ’ v e g o t Yo u , l e t me j u s t me n t i o n a f e w f i n a l wa y s f o r me t o d i e t h a t
ma y o r ma y n o t s e e m f u n n y t o Yo u , d e p e n d i n g o n Yo u r s e n s e o f h u mo r .
I wo u l d r a t h e r b e b u r n e d b e y o n d a l l r e c o g n i t i o n t h a n b u r n e d a l mo s t b e y o n d a l l r e c o g n i t i o n ,
e s p e c i a l l y i f t h e p i c t u r e s a r e g o i n g t o e n d u p o n t h e I n t e r n e t .
I f s o me k i n d o f r a r e o r g a n i s m e a t s a wa y a t my b o d y f r o m t h e i n s i d e , p l e a s e l e t i t b e
mi c r o s c o p i c . Or j u s t s l i g h t l y l a r g e r t h a n mi c r o s c o p i c . Le t ’ s p u t i t t h i s wa y : i f i t ’ s b i g e n o u g h t o
h a v e a f a c e , t h a t wo u l d b e t o o b i g .
Th a n k Yo u f o r Yo u r t i me , Lo r d .
( Al s o : Te d La n g e . Th a t ’ s t h e n a me o f t h e a c t o r wh o p l a y e d t h e b a r t e n d e r o n “ Th e Lo v e
Bo a t ” wh o s e n a me I c o u l d n ’ t r e me mb e r b e f o r e . I Go o g l e d h i m f o r Yo u , Lo r d . Wh i c h h a s g o t t o
c o u n t f o r s o me t h i n g , r i g h t ? ) ♦
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