The Wake, Issue 12 BIZARRO, Spring 2015

VOLUME 14, ISSUE 12 | MAY 4 - MAY 18 How to Be Spontaneous PG. 9 PG. 11

THE WAKE STUDENT MAGAZINE | VOLUME 14, ISSUE 12 Blank Plate, Blank Slate PG. 5

How to be Spontaneous PG. 9 Shit Meninists Say PG. 10

in the Fall PG. 6

Where are the Women? PG. 11

Radio Silence PG. 8

EDITORIAL: Editor-in-Chief Grace Birnstengel Managing Editor Lauren Cutshall

Copy Editors Sara Glesne, Lindsey Pastrorek

Emily Mongan

Editorial Interns Kevin Beckman, Shawnna Stennes, Alex Van Abbema

Voices Editor Kayla McCombs

Faculty Adviser Chelsea Reynolds

Sound & Vision Editors Alex Nelson, Sara Glesne

Art Interns Breanna Vick, Breck Hickman, Andrew Tomten, Olivia Novotny, Cera Nelson, Kate Doyle

Art Directors Lizzie Goncharova, Max Smith

PRODUCTION: Kelcie McKenney

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR People always ask me: “Is what you do at The Wake simple “Yes, I rarely sleep or eat” or “No, it’s the easiest thing in the world,” but truth be told, it’s a lot more complicated than that. I have my dream college job, but that doesn’t mean it’s always smooth sailing. With this being our last issue of the year, I want to make known those who make my job the best one on campus. undying guidance.

Thank you to Kelcie McKenney, my devoted “business Thank you to our group of passionate and excited interns for making The Wake’s intern program a success Thank you to everyone who supported me when our printed abruptly went out of business.

Thank you to our fantastic staff for being so incredibly talented.

PRSSA UMN

Thank you to the 120+ amazing people who came out to our spring birthday concert.

Head Designer Amanda Gentle

Social Media Manager Abby Richardson

Graphic Designers

Finance Manager Nels Haugen

Thank you to Lauren Cutshall for stepping up when it

Web Manager Carter Gruss

Distributors Ryan Condron, Chris Roebber

Thank you to Chelsea Reynolds, Gayle Golden (G.G.),

Jennifer Burns

Sam Gordon, Caleb Vanden Boom, Alexa

Erin Slayton, Becca Sugden

THIS ISSUE:

©2015 The Wake Student Magazine.

All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student

Photographers Sam Gordon

The Wake Student Magazine

Annalise Gall, Shawnna Stennes, Breck Hickman, Alex Nelson, Carson Kaskel, Kelcie McKenney, Kevin Meckman, Grace Bernstengel, Gina Van Thomme, Chelsea Viaser, Karl Witkawiak, Ryan Meany, Abby Richardson

And of course, thank you for reading The Wake. You

See you next year,

Illustrators Breck Hickman, Lizzie Goncharova, Breanna Vick, Caleb Vandem Boom, Kate Doyle, Erin Slayton, Max Smith, Cera Sylar

Olivia Novotny, Emma Klingler, Alex VanAbbema, Lauren

PG. 11

at the University of Minnesota.

300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455 The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Grace Birnstengel Editor-in-Chief

Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are gbirnstengel@wakemag.org.

www.wakemag.org facebook.com/thewakemagazine @the_wake wake-mag.tumblr.com thewakemagazine

ONE-PAGE MAGAZINE

Reusable

WAKE RANTZ

by Breck Hickman

in the springand your summery shoes are not going to make it come any faster. And just so you know, it’s also not warm enough to run without a shirt or just in a sports bra. Do your thing and be outit’s at least 80 degrees. look that I am paying $5 for this warmed milk (I mean honestly). The important thing is that this is gorgeous and I’m about to slowly sip on it—right

Losing My Calzone Virginity Good, I happen to love bearded barista men.

No? You don’t want to go out? That’s fair.... I guess we don’t even know each other. Anyhow,

Can the racist assholes I’m friends with on Facebook please announce themselves male gets unjustly harmed or shot at by police

or “Riots and protests are so STUPID! You all look like IDIOTS and aren’t accomplishing ANYTHING,” and I have to drop everything I’m doing and unfriend you. It’s really inconvenient, and it’d be nice if you’d all just announce yourselves in harmony now. Y’all fool me for so long, but then that random innocent person I sat next to in 9th grade math class suddenly becomes #1 on my shit list. Let the ignorance BE GONE!

ANNOYED WITH SOMETHING? Send your 10 to 150-word rant to rants@wakemag.org and yours might be in our next issue!

By Olivia Novotny

opening of D.P. Dough in Dinkytown.

D.P. Dough has been making ooey, gooey cheesy happiness all folded up in calzone form since 1987. They are known for delivering ‘zones to drunk and hungry college -

On their opening night in Dinky, D.P. Dough gave away kidding, I budged the line and waited 15 minutes), I got my hands on a “Gopher Zone,” a Minnesota-exclusive ‘zone with sausage, pepperoni, and Italian spices.

I have to give D.P. this—the calzone was huge. However, it without the sauce, which is arguably the best part of a pizza.

While I myself do not see the appeal of the calzone, D.P.

By Emma Klingler Social media was abuzz with the news that a woman dropped her two-year-old child into the cheetah enclosure in the Cleveland Zoo in Ohio. While this is a -

1. The roof of the car: Strap ‘em down and let them feel the wind blowing through their hair. Bonus: Extra space in the car.

2. The side of a helicopter: Heck, why limit them to the ing an unsafe distance above the ground, but with out the falling or carnivorous company.

3. The local bar: The only animals your kid will encoun ter there are party animals.

5. Most other enclosures: Seriously, maybe a nice How stressed are you about finals? *Sunglasses Emoji* 40% Drowning in notecards... but ready! 30%

Papa John’s.

4 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

than a Cheetah Enclosure

My co ee has RedBull in it so... 20% Is it too late to pursue a career as a carny? 10%

THE WAKE CITIES

BLANK PLATE, BLANK SLATE

USING THE PLATE AS A CANVAS TO ELEVATE YOUR MEALS AT HOME

By Lauren Cutshall Photographs by Sam Gordon WHY WE NEED IT When we go out to a restaurant, we want more than just good food prepared for us; we want an experiour eyes to focus on the bright salmon tartare amuse-bouche. We want to savor the precise, expert cut of our New York strip steak.

“There are certain things we as people view as aesthetically pleasing. We like symmetry, we like things to be balanced,” Kudrowitz said.

CONSIDER WHAT’S TRENDY

necessary for a styled plate.

items you probably already have in your kitchen, like spatulas, and graters. If you want perfectly round and

Kudrowitz and Flicker agree—food is like fashion.

But for the nights when you are the cook, a well-plated dish can easily impress your guests and will leave them wondering if you spent your previous life as a top chef.

techniques of restaurant-season’s past include “the smear” or “the push,” where a sauce, gel or foam is -

Doug Flicker, the chef and owner of Minneapolis restaurant Piccolo.

“So it always needs

Another simple tool? “Spoons are extremely importtongs were the preferred tool, now it’s spoons.”

According to Flicker, a quenelle spoon is great for scooping ice cream in a shell-like shape, instead of the scoop.

So go ahead. Now Flicker also advocates for the

your mother’s scolding to not play with your food. Here are

spatula, perfect for “swooshing and swiping” sauces or pastes.

LEARN BASIC DESIGN TIPS CONSULT THE EXPERTS solid design principles.

Flicker suggests turning to the wide array of culinary in academia,” said Barry Kudrowitz, product design professor at the University of Minnesota. Kudrowitz teaches a class on food design. “You have to look at architecture and graphic design research.”

culinary master, Nathan Myhrvold, has published ex-

One current trend is a series of dots on the plate.

Though it may sound simple, professional cooks like Flicker know there is more to the dot than meets the eye—or, perhaps, the conscious mind. versions of the classics, like chicken noodle soup.

And what are those principles? Some concepts are

If you’re looking for a quick but thorough way to learn vegetables in your salad.

metry (or asymmetry) of the plate. If you have components that can be separated, like a sauce on the side, be sure to leave some white space on the plate to balance it out.

on the amount of pressure that you put on the squirt said. “If you take a dollop of potato puree, there’s a certain way it looks absolutely perfect.”

volume set of Myhrvold’s book series “Modernist Cuisine.”

USE PROPER TOOLS

Yet the easiest way to enjoy and learn from food a priority. Kudrowitz’s advice? Do what all the chefs do: “Go to the best, trendy restaurants all around the

ingredients compose a great dish, the right tools are

WWW.WAKEMAG.ORG | 5

THE WAKE CITIES

COURSE EVALUATIONS TO GO ONLINE IN THE FALL STUDENTS WILL BE ABLE TO VIEW FEEDBACK ON SPECIFIC COURSES

By Alex Van Abbema For many years, student groups such as the doing work related to the course. to be released to students to aid them in future course students to view.

experience the teacher, they’re going in to experience Anderson, who graduated in 2014, from signing up for courses she now regrets taking. also be released. “I think it’s a great idea and I think that before signing up, I would have been able to avoid

courses if they’re paying the money,” Philips said.

versity for a variety of personnel decisions, including

tricked into taking at least a couple classes from professors that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.”

and merit reviews. Professors use them to change the

Freshman Spanish studies and sociology major Maggi Ibis thinks featured course reviews from students line can be really misleading, so I think it would be really

Ibis said that a professor can have a huge impact on a student’s class experience, but that “one single opinion or experience does not fully account for how the professor is professionally.”

of each semester for each course they take. The

didn’t work.

career to improve my course, to change what I do, to listen deeply to what students feel like they are

available online, students can look up the name of an instructor who taught a course in a given semester and deduce the name of the instructor through the course data released.

courses rather than the professors who teach them.

Another key change to the policy this year was the

Biology of Sex course in the department of Biology Teaching and Learning, said.

Measurement Services, students got irritated with

Feedback that will be available online recommend the course to other students, and if the course’s grading standards are clear

Currently most students rely on word of mouth, and about the courses they are signing up for.

Freshman health services management major John Keblusek supports making students’ opinions on professors and courses available on a University-sponsored website. “I feel like they would monitor it a lot more as opposed to Rate My Professor, where it’s

whether students would recommend the course to other students, if the course’s grading standards are

Act, and are not allowed to be released.

According to Phillips, certain schools worked around Illinois had an incomplete list of the top faculty for a

considered incomplete because not every course got evaluated, so some teachers weren’t able to be on the list. Phillips said that it allowed students to see if were on the list.

LIZZIE GONCHAROVA

6 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

THE WAKE VOICES

RADIO SILENCE WHY THE WESTERN WORLD IGNORES THIRD WORLD CRISES

By Emma Klingler Over the course of several hours, 147 people were killed and countless others wounded in what has been in seventeen years. On April 2, four gunmen entered students by religion and murdering without mercy. And there is a decent chance you haven’t heard about it.

This, of course, is nothing new. Africa is geographicalsocial status of each of its countries is commonplace

“Everyone has been burned Mark Porubcansky of MinnPost, “and no one wants to report something as fact, only to have to back down.” This especially in the wake of the Brian Williams scandal, leads the media to choose safer news stories where they can

the Garissa massacre and countless others occur, it It is not only the media who mass murder is not something that we condone in our Western society. We should be upset when it happens elsewhere.

A number of journalists have made statements defending the media outlets for their minimal coverage of

president of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan, gave his condolences and support to France in

LIZZIE GONCHAROVA

did respond to the Boko Haram’s kidnapping of more than 270 school girls in April of 2014 with the plea, “Bring Back Our Girls,” there has been no such campaign

that had happened in his own country. there took place only a few days before the wide-

“The president believes that the cowardly and ignoble

tack on freedom of speech and expression, we see it as

This lack of adequate coverage is due in part

the right to freedom of expression,” said the statement magazine, and four more were killed the following day in a Jewish supermarket. In comparison, the nearly

support is demonstrated. This omission by President Jonathan creates the sense that even to Nigeria, West-

Unfortunately, this understanding does not reach countries such as Nigeria and Kenya. We should have seen

developing or third world countries.

freedom. But there is a mentality in our society that

The news media were not the only ones who failed to give adequate support to the events of Boko Haram

Africa and the Middle East. The normalcy we associate with violence and oppression in these countries allows

buzz about the terror occurring in Nigeria. The most stunning displays of outrage and unity from the Charlie

With the world as globalized as it has become, it is nec-

full story.

“Journalists have been targeted by Boko Haram,” says reporter for The Guardian, Maeve Shearlaw, explainin Baga. “Unlike in Paris, people on the ground are isolated and struggle with access to the internet and other about chasing these important stories, but even when they ty count and other important facts are correct.

sociologically reinforces the importance of that ideal in our country. We can feel a strong sense of empathy for those in France because we understand their values

and spread worldwide. While social media campaigns

goal of world peace.

WWW.WAKEMAG.ORG | 7

THE WAKE FEATURE encouraged us not to think ahead, yet here I am, doing

and confused.

applause and a few hoots for my silly answer. Perhaps they cheer for me just to ease my embarrassment.

More than likely though, they cheer because on some level, that’s precisely why they are here too. Maybe I’m not the only Minnesotan who feels like she needs a change of pace and some new, more outgoing experiences. With the applause, I am told that I am in the

Our circle of 35-or-so wannabe improvisers was diverse.

reoccurring theme. No one is here to be a professional improviser. They’re here because someone told them listener and speaker in their everyday life.

IMPROV-CSTC

HOW TO BE SPONTANEOUS INTEREST IN IMPROV CLASSES GROWS FOR MINNEAPOLIS THEATERS

By Lauren Cutshall As I hang up my coat, a dark-haired woman beside me

“Thank you everyone for coming out tonight,” Lilledahl says. “You’re already braver than most.”

Yes, and…

Minneapolis, one of the country’s more vibrant and of improv classes—from Everyday Improv to Musical Improv to Advanced Performance Track Improv.

“I want to get back into theater,” someone says and

The three main improv venues in Minneapolis—The Brave New Workshop, Huge Theater, and Comedy

Annie. I remember the kids who knew how to be funny and vibrant on stage. I remember how I was not one of those kids.

even rely on the revenue brought in from classes.

shake my head and she laughs. “Me neither. But I

Right then, as that woman and I talk at the coat rack, I know we will be allies in this venture of a beginner im- “I’m here because I want to wake up,” another says. My dent Union in downtown Minneapolis, the room slowly heart begins to thump. These people all seem to have such good reasons for being here. sive laughter. Before class starts, the woman and I sit

class revenue. Money aside, the theaters place serious

“Everybody can give it a shot,” says Becky Wilkinson Hauser, the Student Union’s managing director. The

make small talk like good Minnesotans do. something of your own—also known as the theory of “Yes, and…”

Soon our instructor, Jenni Lilledahl, comes in. She’s a good at speaking in front of people. In class, I give also happens to be the co-owner of the Brave New Workshop. Lilledahl asks us each to explain why we’re

“Try not to plan out what you’re going to say,” she says. large group without any idea of what I am going to say

twice in choir. But everyone else’s nerves seem to

Finally, it’s my turn.

“Hi, I’m Lauren and—” and I can’t think of anything. For nothing in my head. I begin to panic. The instructor

8 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

While the classes themselves have long been available, they’ve become increasingly popular in the last few years. Dudley Riggs, the founder of the Brave New Workshop, compares his experiences with those of Lilledahl, who co-owns the Workshop with her husband John Sweeney.

“I used to have 24 students doing improv, and she [Lilledahl] has over 200. It’s very successful,” Riggs says.

THE WAKE FEATURE While people like Wilkinson Hauser believe in improv’s successful track record for overcoming personal fears or obstacles, Riggs takes a broader and more group-

“If you have a circle of people who are able to trust each other enough, you can develop something wonderful,” Riggs said. “The idea, I tell people, is you go into a scene trying to make everyone else look good. think it works.”

So what happens when a student who planned to take a class to improve their public speaking ends up falling

create the same scenes again and again. improv as being a great tool for the corporate world. scene because its one the audience hasn’t heard again and again. There are new character back-stories and a

because so much of business, you don’t know what’s going to happen next,” He says. “You have to go with

Going pro Not just a means to an end, yet improv in Minneapo-

vanced or otherwise, have proven to push boundaries

It’s no surprise that “going pro” is proven to be just as

metropolitan areas. As Haeg puts it, Minneapolis isn’t quite as saturated compared to places like Chicago or New York.

“No one here thinks Lorne Michaels is in the audience.

You’re not going to get discovered here. It lends to a more friendly environment.”

MJ Marsh, another local improviser agrees.

es several classes, one of which is an advanced course

“I’ve been lucky, I’ve been traveling the past two, three

a bright red Mohawk and a pensive face that contradicts his cartoonish laugh. He constantly encourages his students, yet only enters a scene when it needs

At Comedy Sportz, located in Calhoun Square, high school leagues compete against each other, businesses troductory class, and improv alum can take advanced classes.

munity. The people in it are just happy to be a part of it.”

“incestuous.” Marsh is one of many performers who of “Fuck yeah!” and decisions with a bright “Kickass!”

In classes like these, which lack the audience that improvisers normally use to gauge the scene’s success, -

Inside the angled, black-walled theater, audiences pack in for sold out weekend shows. An underwhelming stage in a corner of the room helps draw the audience provisers go around beforehand, breaking the ice the

The crossover of performers doesn’t add to an air of

dive into improv with a wholehearted passion for

its name. Since Huge focuses on long form improvisa-

explains to the audience how everything works (4 minute sets, two teams of improvisers compete against

scenes and characters is even more important. the scenes. reminds his class that there’s a lot to do. In his class on structure, he explains the importance of going beyond says, the improvisers must try to convey what the space means for a character.

Perhaps the audience involvement at Comedy Sportz edy Sportz player and improviser Casey Haeg advises everyone to take an improv class, saying that it helps people think faster and know how to react to a situ-

Later, Roy instructs the class to improvise a two-perRoy grins.

entertainment of improv.”

not, people fall in love with it. As improv’s principles become more familiar, it becomes less about performance and more about everyday life. Like life, improv is always changing, Marsh says.

“Improv is not a means to an end. It’s the end. It’s all we want to do.”

At the end of our sampler class, we are asked about what we learned. One person raises a hand and says, exasperated, “It’s hard!” Almost everyone nods in agreement. Yet another person chimes in, “Yeah, but it sure is fun.”

director, having worked his way up on stages since he was just eight years old. myself eyeing the table with the sign up sheet for “Improvisers are not nearly as unpredictable as we like to think we are,” Roy says. He encourages the stu-

“We get a lot of people who will come and take our classes, who never want to be performers,” Neitherproved to be much more than just the sampler it was want to step out of their shell.”

WWW.WAKEMAG.ORG | 9

THE WAKE VOICES

SHIT MENINISTS SAY A FEMINIST VIEW ON THE MENINIST MOVEMENT

By Madison Rude Feminism: it’s some controversial stuff. Many criticize feminists for being man-hating, angry, and for holding double standards, but some men were so upset by the feminist movement that they took to Twitter and created a hashtag called #MeninistTwitter. The hashtag includes men posting a variety of thoughts, memes, and photos to promote the idea that men have been wronged by feminism. While some tweets bring up relevant issues, others blatantly seek to tear down feminism in any way possible.

“Why can’t she get the door for me?� “Why do I always have to pay for dinner?�

One of the more popular topics on this hashtag was the fact that men are expected to pay for dates, open doors, and do other things for us women that they seem to feel we never reciprocate. The only problem with these claims is that this is kind of the point of feminism. Feminists understand that this is an unfair dynamic that society has created, and the only reason it exists is because society viewed women as the lesser sex. Men started paying for dates not because women demanded it, but because society did not allow women to work so men bought dinner as a way to coddle women. This also perpetuated the idea that women are unfit to work. Though many women hold jobs now, this old ideology still contributes to the lingering stereotype that men are more fit to work and will do a better job than women. So sorry meninists, but we’re already working on this one for you under the clever guise of feminism.

“My under 6 ft. brother needs love just as much as your fat friend.� “Real men have curves.�

Many meninists have taken to parodying body positivity on this hashtag. Let me say this once: body positivity is not just for women, and it is not just for people who are overweight. I personally get a little upset when people who claim they are being “body positive� rip on women who actually are naturally thin. If you have a body, be positive about it. Society does place unfair ideals on men too, but realistically, women are evaluated much more harshly by society and are told their worth is directly correlated to their appearance. Men, while they do receive pressure to be “ripped,� are not evaluated by society solely based on their appearance. I think feminism has this one covered too.

“But men get raped too!�

This is the one that bothers me the most. A few men on the hashtag have created parody anti-rape posters and posted them as a joke. They’re not funny. They’re not funny because men do get raped, too, and society has made it very difficult for us to talk about this subject. However, the posters they’re mocking are very important posters meant to cut the astonishingly high number of sexual assaults against women committed by men.

The problem here is that yes, men do get raped and that is deplorable. However, statistically, men who get raped are most often getting raped by other men. Regardless, rape is not something to joke about, and it is something with which this country continues to struggle. Meninists, I think you took this joke just a little too far.

10 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

BMM EBZ

THE WAKE SOUND & VISION

WHERE ARE THE WOMEN?

EVALUATING THE LACK OF WOMEN IN MAJOR MUSIC FESTIVAL LINEUPS

By Shawnna Stennes

decades. The percentage of Coachella acts including female members has only gone above 20 percent once since 1999.

as Coachella, Bonnaroo, and Lollapalooza. First, the altered with the all-male acts eliminated from the lineup, revealing some very empty posters, bringing to light an

same female presence, however, has yet to material-

rooted sexism in the industry, yet this argument is weakened given the success of women in pop music. Becultures that once formed out of male-dominated music scenes (grunge, jam bands, electronica), the many female acts of pop music are understandably less relevant.

-

der-queer individuals.

But some argue that the issue lies in the number of ups, Hangout Music Fest Director Sean O’Connell told

porate pop music into their lineups in pursuit of an equally gendered bill. This also doesn’t mean the only genre where successful female musicians can be found is pop. What it does mean is that gender is an unavoidable factor in the shaping of genres and the walls we put up around them; as listeners, it is important that

cycle? Who’s going out?”

Total acts: 46 | Acts that include women: 13 Percent of women in lineup: 28%

Lollapalooza 2014 Total acts: 138 | Acts that include women: 38 Percent of women in lineup: 27% FYF Fest 2014 Total acts: 60 | Acts that include women: 14 Percent of women in lineup: 23% Coachella 2015 Total Acts: 166 | Acts that include women: 26 Percent of women in lineup: 16% Total Acts: 215 | Acts that include women: 33 Percent of women in lineup: 15% Riot Fest 2014 Total Acts: 127 | Acts that include women: 17 Percent of women in lineup: 13% Reading & Leeds 2015 Total Acts: 92 | Acts that include women: 10 Percent of women in lineup: 11% Skate and Surf Fest 2015 Total Acts: 38 | Acts that include women: 0 Percent of women in lineup: 0%

THE MIRROR OF POLITICS

ROMANCE IN SOVIET ART AT THE MUSEUM OF RUSSIAN ART To Americans, romance looks a number of ways: black and white scenes from “Casablanca,” a wind-swept

she strayed from her roles as mother and wife.

“Fair,” painted by Oleg L. Lomakin in the 1960s, strikes a balance between these two views of woman. The

culture to culture and from one historical period to another,” Maria Zavialova, curator at the Museum of Russian Art (TMORA), said. The museum’s current exhibit Romance in Soviet Art showcases how Soviet

wedding dress at a neighborhood market. While the

Zavialova said she avoided “imposing preconceived ideas” on her personal experiences during the Soviet era and

shock of sunset orange and doesn’t look back toward Her insight guides the visitor through the more diverse at her from behind, reinforcing the focus on her. Blue the Severe movement (meant to strip away delusions

Stalin’s Soviet Russia. People worked toward the

Stalin to Khrushchev and then Gorbachev. Woman was no longer seen as an equal worker. She became instead the sustainer of Russia and a source of problems when

unites everyone in the scene; the couple has not quite achieved “private space” that would later creep into Russian art.

see a straying from formulaic scenes of the populace to

shapes, facial expressions, and details throughout the exhibit. Museum visitors travel between muted, indusfound at www.tmora.org.

WWW.WAKEMAG.ORG | 11

THE WAKE SOUND & VISION

3 REVIEWS ALABAMASHAKES.COM

ALABAMA SHAKES’S “SOUND & COLOR”

By Alex Nelson

MATTANDKIMMUSIC.COM

MATT AND KIM’S “NEW GLOW”

By Breck Hickman

Southern rockers Alabama Shakes stampeded onto (and beyond) the indie music scene with their soulsteeped 2012 debut “Boys & Girls.” Lead singer

headliners. “Sound & Color,” the band’s follow-up

By Carson Kaskel

already strong discography. Filled with warm tones and powerful lyrics, “Kintsugi” is good relaxing record

formula.

The album packs a punch at the start with the mellow “No Room in Frame,” followed by the album’s lead

new found love, this album both builds on their previous work and provides some much needed growth.

Instead of their normal strong, varied percussion and

of those concepts. This is evident both structurally and sonically across the record. A rubbery, playful guitar melody (the “color”) runs through the verses of the funky “Future People,” but the chorus rips apart

and the synths sound like they would be at home in a

“sound”). Lead single “Gimme All Your Love,” arguably the album’s best song, and highlight “I Ain’t The Same,” explore more sharp division in another form. In the

it also contains two of their worst songs ever recorded: “Hoodie On” and “World Is Ending.” Both are

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE’S “KINTSUGI” once again. “Kintsugi,” the eighth album from the

h studio album, is the most fun album to come out recently. Fueled by

previous works, the change is evident of some much needed growth. This album is its own album, and not just an extension of their last.

DEATHCABFORCUTIE.COM

rocking track that could spark a few dance moves.

sound focused on vocals and lyrics. A synthy tune album with drums and electric guitars returning in full force by track 7, “Good Help is Hard to Find.” “El Dora-

above a sun-shower melody colored by warm organs, with shredded reverb and Howard’s belt in full gear.

the record.

It’s moments like these, extensions of what worked from “Boys & Girls” that make “Sound & Color” an

guitarist and songwriter Chris Walla, who announced

To make up for these two disappointments, the album also augmented their debut’s few missteps. On “Miss Overall, I enjoyed this album. It had enough variety between faster and slower songs to sustain interest

are impossible not to dance to. The rest of the songs something to dance to this summer, or blast in your car on a sunny day, “New Glow is the album for you.

a noisy puddle of fuzz. Alabama Shakes have expand-

right, “Sound & Color” is good, yet for all the band’s

12 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

some duds, they were sandwiched between quality cuts at the beginning and end. This album is not for everyone, but if you’re looking for a relaxing, mellow

BIZARRO

Your Horoscopes

FOR MAY 4-10, 2015 ing to go!

Let a stranger tell you how your week is go OLIVIA NOVOTNY

Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 19

By Kevin Beckman

Leo: Jul 23 - Aug 22

Romance is in the air for you today! Wait, no, my mistake. It’s just another chemical odor coming from Kolthoff. Maybe put a rag over your nose and mouth.

You’re not the kind of person who lets social conventions dictate how you live your life, but it might be a good idea to take off the rubber horse mask when you’re in public every once in a while.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21

Happy Birthday Taurus!

Virgo: Aug 23 - Sep 22

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19

Taurus: Apr 20 - May 20

Consider returning Al Franken’s calls.

Sure he’s a little old for you, but you might be surprised.

Gemini: May 21 - Jun 20

Let’s stress this again, Gemini. Goldy the Gopher is a man in a costume. Stop researching gopher-human interbreeding on the Internet. It’s just not going to work.

Cancer: Jun 21 - Jul 22

Planetary transits are giving you the opportunity to meet the love of your life tomorrow at 3 p.m. behind Coffman Memorial Union. Bring some Panda Express, I’ll probably be hungry.

Believe what you want about fate and destiny, but when all’s said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay away from Chipotle.

Libra: Sep 23 - Oct 22

She’s not impressed by your Bill Cosby impression. Try your Mark Wahlberg, that one’s pretty good.

Scorpio: Oct 23 - Nov 21

If liking the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” is really the “one thing you’ve got,” maybe try looking for someone you have more in common with.

This is a good week for romance in the workplace. Just kidding, you don’t have a job.

The one you’ve been looking for all your life is standing right behind you. Yeah, that guy. Trust me.

Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18

What part of “she’s your cousin” isn’t quite getting through to you?

Pisces: Feb 19- Mar 20

Although amusing at first, your insistence that you’re actually a porpoise is starting to creep people out. Put the beach ball away, quit squeaking like a damn lunatic, and for God’s sake get out of the pool.

The swim team’s trying to practice.

WAKEMAG.ORG | 12

BIZARRO

IDENTITY CHEAT SHEET

By Chelsea Visser At this point, most people recognize the LGBT acronym.

Some even recognize the more complex acronyms: LGBTQ, LGBTQIA, etc. After a while, the terms behind the letters get incomprehensible. Can’t we just be who we are without needing all of these fancy words?

If you’re heterosexual and cisgender (if that’s an unfamiliar term, don’t worry: I’ll get there in a minute), lesser-known identity labels may seem like a lot to take in. Let’s break things down.

First, when it comes to LGBTQ concepts, there’s more to consider than whose pants you’re interested in getting into. Identity and orientation intersect at several different places.

We’ll start with sexuality, which most people are familiar with. Sexuality is looking at another person, and thinking, “Wow, I’d like to kiss and do… things to that person.”

Beyond hetero and LGBT

Everyone “gets” homosexuality: attraction to the same gender. Example: Jake’s a boy who likes boys, and Maddie is a girl who likes girls. Easy, right?

Being aromantic doesn’t make someone antisocial or incapable of connection, it just means they aren’t seeking the conventional type of relationship.

If you identify as bisexual, you’re attracted to both the same gender and other genders. Example: Sean likes boys, but sometimes he likes girls, too.

Let’s go back to an earlier example. Maddie is homosexual, but biromantic. She can’t see herself getting down and dirty with any dudes, but she wouldn’t mind being close to one.

If you identify as pansexual, you’re attracted to all genders. Gender is a spectrum (which we’ll get to in another minute. Hang in there!) and people who identify as pansexual can be attracted to anyone on that spectrum. Ex: Jess likes people, regardless of what’s in the pants of the person she’s flirting with.

Some people use pansexual and bisexual interchangeably. Others try and create a difference, defining bisexual as “attraction to same and other genders.” Ultimately, what you decide to identify as is your decision. Additionally, when you’re pansexual/bisexual, you can have still have preferences. It doesn’t make you less pansexual/bisexual; it just means you lean one way more than the other.

If you identify as asexual, you generally aren’t sexually attracted to anyone. You might have the ability to be aroused but not be into the idea of sex itself, you may have no sexual urges at all, or you might be somewhere in between. Example: Christine thinks people are pretty, but she doesn’t have much interest in seeing them naked.

Asexuality, like everything else, is a spectrum.

Some people identify as gray-asexual, which means you only experience sexual attraction on occasion.

Others identify as demi-sexual, which means you only experience sexual attraction to someone after you’ve made a strong emotional connection.

Okay, people like sleeping with other people. Cool.

But what about the romance? What about the long walks on the beach and the overenthusiastic PDA? That’s where romantic orientations come in.

Just like sexuality, romantic orientations fall on a spectrum. Romantic orientations can line up with your sexual orientation, or they may not. They follow the same general idea as sexual orientations: you can be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic.

11 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

Finally, let’s try and explain gender identity: the “T” in “LGBTQ.” There’s a difference between gender and sex, despite what you learned in middle school health class: sex is what’s between your legs, and gender is what’s in your head.

Some people are cisgender—their gender identity matches what they were given at birth. But a lot of people are transgender. It’s easy to think of trans people as “a guy that wants to be a girl,” or vice versa. Really, it’s more like this: you are a girl, but you have a boy’s name and people treat you like a boy.

Just like everything else we’ve been talking about, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. Some people identify appropriately enough with the term “non-binary”—something that falls outside the conventional definitions of masculine or feminine. There are too many terms to discuss in this guide, but typing “non-binary gender” into Google should give you a pretty good start.

It’s important to note that none of these identities are set in stone: sometimes people spend many years identifying as cisgender before they start to explore their gender. Sometimes people try on a few different identities before they settle on something they’re comfortable with. Despite the “born this way” attitude, you’re allowed to explore your identity, and you’re allowed to change your mind.

So why does it matter? Can’t we all just be people and forget about labels? It’s easy to say that identity is unimportant when you’re in the majority. But when you’re confused and alone and you find the word that fits you just right, and then find a whole community of people who feel the way you do, that word can be the most important thing in the world.

For more resources, visit the Queer Student Cultural Center in Coffman 217.

BIZARRO

Y E S,

WE’RE STILL DOING LONG DISTANCE

My time in a college relationship from afar

By Abby Richardson I started seeing someone I met in high school four months before we both headed to college—him to Chicago, me to Minneapolis. Since then, I’ve seen my friends’ and classmates’ high school relationships disintegrate, but two years later, I’m still happy with the same guy, despite being seven hours apart. A part of me wants to brag because I did it and you guys didn’t and hey Tommy who broke my heart junior year of high school, look at me now!!! But in all honesty, it’s

CERA SYLAR

never been that easy. Patrick and I have made it work, but not without hard lessons learned. Like these.

Pay attention to unhealthy behaviors. I spent almost my entire freshman year getting jealous of any girl in the background of a photo he was tagged in on Facebook. In typical me fashion, I couldn’t let that go. I constantly texted him about feeling jealous. In hindsight, it’s clear that he didn’t care about anyone else like he cared about me, but at the time, what could he tell me that would make me feel better?

Do not be this person. Let your significant other live their life, and find your own thing at your own school. The silver lining of a LDR is that you’re forced to have your own friends, so embrace this.

Accept that you will both let each other down at some point. Some nights they’ll go out and you’ll stay in. If it’s right, they’ll be there Sunday to talk to you about how bad your

week was, or how you got sick from Shuang Cheng leftovers, or how Taylor Swift’s new album is so good and you don’t want to like it but you just do.

One of my friend’s LDR fizzled (and then exploded) because her ex wouldn’t talk to her about all the daily bullshit. He ignored her need to confide in him. My relationship with Patrick feels like having a best friend who always takes my side and truly wants to hear about my day.

Long distance isn’t for anyone who half-asses things.

It goes without saying, but if you honestly don’t see a future past college with the person you’re with, you’d be happier ending it before it ruins months of opportunities. If it’s right for you, there’s a million ways to keep it going. Save money to visit, find ways to make the bedroom aspect work from afar, be honest about the long-term, make friends with your significant other’s friends, and don’t flirt with random people at parties. Trust me, the comfort of a person hundreds of miles away who always wants to kiss you is nothing to be tampered with.

“GIRLS ALWAYS DATE JERKS!” AN EXAMINATION OF THIS COMMON COP-OUT

By Annalise Gall It’s amazing how we, as loving, caring human beings, so quickly make ridiculous blanket statements. From stereotypes to generalizations, it seems we love to sum up complexities into a onesize-fits-all mold. Maybe it’s due to ease; after all, it is much easier to say “all people do this” than to uncover the cause-and-effect case or overarching societal reasoning for each encounter we have.

When it comes to dating, these generalizations serve the purpose of pillowing our ego. We have all heard the phrase, “girls always date jerks,” or “men only like bitches,” uttered from a friend after being turned down. This is almost always followed in the wake of the friend describing themselves as a nice guy or girl.

There are two problems with this justification, the first being the more obvious: nobody actually wants to date a jerk. Nobody, at the top of their list of desirable qualities in a mate, puts “jerk.” Yet the assumption persists. Perhaps those we label as jerks have certain qualities that are desirable such as confidence, forwardness, and a go-getter attitude.

However, actually being a mean and disrespectful person is not what anyone is looking to love.

The second issue: “Guys like jerks” dismisses their rejection as that person’s problem instead of saying, “Hey, this person just wasn’t interested in me.”

Maybe you need to add a few more jokes to your arsenal, go to the gym a bit more, or maybe you’re

MAX SMITH

just not meant to be with this person. Whatever the case, there was probably a reason that the person you asked out said no—and it was definitely not that you were too nice for them.

Maybe they aren’t looking for a relationship right now or would prefer to just be friends. Either way, you need to respect that decision; nobody is entitled to the affections of another person simply because they asked. So stop pouting, do some self-reflection, and throw this one misconception about attraction out of your brain.

WAKEMAG.ORG | 10

BIZARRO

PLAYLISTS FOR THE SAD, THE LONELY, & the horny Caught the Feels

o T g n a B o T s g n o S

By Ryan Meaney 1. Feel like Making love By Bad CoMpany 2. What’s youR Fantasy By ludaCRis 3. i Believe (When i Fall in love it Will Be FoReveR) By stevie WondeR 4. i’ll Make love to you By Boyz ii Men 5. thinkin ‘Bout you By FRank oCean 6. let’s get it on By MaRvin gaye

LUKEWARM LOVE

BY KARL WITKOWIAK 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

BET TER MAN BY PEARL JAM THE ONE I LOVE BY R.E.M. BABY BLUE BY ACTION BRONSON FEAT. CHANCE THE RAPPER YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW

BY WEIRD AL YANKOVIC JUST GIVE ME A REASON BY P!NK FEAT. NATE RUESS BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S

BY DEEP BLUE SOMETHING POWER TRIP BY J. COLE FEAT. MIGUEL ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG)

BY RUPERT HOLMES

By Alex Nelson 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

Call Me by Kimbra All My Lovin’ by Katy B Running by Jessie Ware 2 Shy by Shura Two Doves by Dirty Projectors Open by Rhye Dream Story by Laura Groves Crush by Quadron Love Sux

By Grace Birnstengel 1. Hate It Here by Wilco 2. Forever For Her (Is Over For Me)

by The White Stripes 3. Shelter by The xx 4. All My Little Words

by The Magnetic Fields 5. I Know It’s Over by The Smiths 6. Left and Leaving

by The Weakerthans 7. Breakin’ Up by Rilo Kiley 8. Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac 9. Pictures of You by The Cure 10. Terrible Love by The National

BRECK HICKMAN

BIZARRO

How to Lose a Guy in One Hour

A LOOK BACK ON MY FIRST (DOUBLE) DATE

By Gina Van Thomme I remember the day I realized I’d die alone.

It was the summer before my senior year of high school. I was sixteen, had the social skills of an engineering major, the eyeliner application skills of Marilyn Manson, and the raw sex appeal of a cantaloupe. To the great shock of everyone in my life, I’d never been kissed, let alone been on a real date, although an explanation for this behavior could be that I drove a Volkswagen Beetle with eyelashes appliqued over the headlights and/or that I seriously asked a hairstylist for a Hannah Montana haircut. Little did I know, my first brush with romance would soon occur.

Whether it was my unfortunate bangs or the fact that the closest thing to a love connection I’d had was when I had a hot male sub in biology, my friend Annie took pity on me and decided to drag me along on a double date with a friend of her friend. She told me that my date was the male equivalent of me, which made it really surprising when he showed up and wasn’t wearing

foundation three shades darker than his skin tone and a Black Eyed Peas graphic tee. After arriving, my date, Caleb, didn’t acknowledge me, but instead seemed romantically interested in his cell phone—probably texting for help after seeing my mascaraed slug bug in the driveway.

The double date began with a trip to A&W, where I decided I needed to do something drastic to get my date’s attention. I made the fun and flirty decision to order a corndog. I proceeded to eat while applying as many tips from the latest edition of Cosmopolitan as possible. Caleb didn’t seem thrilled. I tried to make small talk, like asking what he wanted to name our firstborn, but he continued looking down at his phone… so shy!

When it was time to leave, I handed the cashier my card and proceeded to overdraft while paying for my ninety-nine cent corndog. My date stood back without reaching for his wallet,

probably hoping that I’d get dragged to the back to wash dishes. Although we still hadn’t actually spoken to each other, I told myself this was because he was nervous since he was so in love.

Once Annie stepped forward to pay for my corndog, the date had been going on for exactly forty-five minutes, leaving the small problem of figuring out what to do for the rest of the evening. We ended up going back to Annie’s house and putting in a DVD, which seemed perfect since Caleb wasn’t a big talker anyway. As soon as the previews were over, though, I heard Caleb speak his first words of the evening: “I have to go.”

All in all, it was a night that crushed my spirits, but I was able to bounce back quickly because Caleb wasn’t even my type (he looked nothing like Nick Jonas). Although I was bummed out, I learned an important lesson: corndogs aren’t aphrodisiacs.

Don’t Break for College MY RELATIONSHIP IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS FROM HIGH SCHOOL I DON’T REGRET

By Gina Van Thomme The summer before college, I studied the book “How to Survive Your Freshman Year” harder than I had studied anything across all four years of high school (which, admittedly, didn’t set the bar very high). In those pages, hundreds of college students chime in on things they wish they knew before college, including advice on transferring a relationship to college: don’t.

As I consulted my guidebook, I simultaneously committed the book’s number one no-no by starting a relationship. Jake was a year younger, went to a rival high school, and personality-wise was the calm to my storm.

Combined with the fact that he didn’t chew tobacco and drive a lifted 4x4, he was the perfect catch, at least compared to guys at Faribault High School. While I sometimes worried that I should have yielded to the students’ advice in my book, we got along so well that it seemed ridiculous to end a good thing just because I was leaving for college.

Turns out Jake fared well compared to the boys I’d meet at college, too. While other girls in my floor told horror stories of the boys they met at parties, it felt good to have a wholesome boyfriend who didn’t wear pastel shorts and day-drink himself into oblivion on a patio. Instead, Jake calmed me when I was stressed and listened as I complained that my

roommate’s idea of cleanliness was about as loose as my history professor’s definition of a “quick read.” As I tried new and frightening things like gender, women and sexuality studies classes, dining hall food, and lofted beds, Jake shared in my adventures. It was nice to have someone who knew me when sometimes I felt like I didn’t even know myself through all the transitions of freshman year.

The wise words of Lil Wayne, “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it,” definitely proved true for Jake and me, so when he graduated high school and decided to join me at the U, I couldn’t have been happier. Learning how to be apart helped us be better together and three years later, we’ve perfected a balance between our own interests and friend groups, and filling our time together with romantic study dates, way too many Qdoba burritos, and happily proving the kids from “How to Survive Your Freshman Year” wrong.

WAKEMAG.ORG | 8

BIZARRO

WEDDING

TOASTS

Sentiments from your pets-in law

By Cassie Bauman and Lianna Matt “I don’t know what I’m going to do now that his stay is permanent, but all I can ask for is that I go deaf with old age.”

Wedding receptions are full of toasts and roasts, but why are we letting only our friends and family give them? Your pets have been with you from day one of coupledom, so let’s raise a glass and hear what they have to say.

So the lovebirds are getting married, and since I’m being forced to convey my feelings on their relationship, I have only one word to describe the pair: insufferable. My life used to be all catnip and rainbows, from Fancy Feast in the morning to that very amusing stick with the feather at night.

However, everything changed as soon as this guy walked in the door. Sure, Jenny had other guys in her life before, but all I had to do was show my fangs, and let out a guttural hiss, and they wouldn’t come back. They were respectable young men who could take a hint. Trevor, however, is a different story. No matter how many distasteful stares from across the room I gave him, or how many times I scared him in the middle of the night with my covert stealthiness, or how often I pictured his face on my scratching post, the ignorant fool wouldn’t take a hike back to the litterbox he came from.

I remember the first night he walked in. I could smell the cheap cologne two rooms away. I sauntered out to see who had so rudely interrupted my catnap and intruded into my domain. There he stood at the front door, a dozen roses in hand and a smile that practically tattooed ‘I’m trying too hard’ in bold letters on his forehead. To my dismay, Jenny

7 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

welcomed him in, and he’s been a thorn in my tailside ever since. He’s always trying to scratch my ears with the sandpaper mallets he has for hands. He brings me knock-off brand cardboard bites for treats; the worst is the fake catnip. I mean come on, I can’t get my fix from something that comes in a can. And the worst thing about Trevor? Not only does the overgrown mutt claim my side of the bed, he sleeps as if he swallowed a vacuum cleaner. I don’t know what I’m going to do now that his stay is permanent, but all I can ask for is that I go deaf with old age.

Honestly, the only good thing about Trevor is that when he leaves, he sometimes takes the dog with him.

Here’s to hopefully getting a bigger cat bed out of this.

Over the years, Jenny brought home a handful of people. Some smelled like bacon, some smelled like they bathed in Axe, and my particular favorites smelled like lady dogs. However, the first day I met Trevor, he didn’t hold the promising scent of a glossy Golden Retriever or a spritely Labrador. He smelled like a park. The moment I caught a whiff of him, I sprinted toward him, tripping over the cat, jumping, bounding. “Ponds? Food trucks? People?” My nose went into overdrive, combing through the flavors of rabbit, dandelion, bike tires, all of it. Worming my muzzle into his pant leg, I may have drooled a bit over his shoes. They smelled like goose poop, but I don’t think Jenny noticed.

I wanted to know which park he had visited, how many squirrels he had seen, how many sandwiches were left on the ground. But then he started to rub the fur underneath my belly. And, well, who could resist that? I rolled over, my jowls flapped back, my stubby legs kicking in the air when he found the sweet spot. Park forgotten, simple as that.

I followed Trevor around for the rest of the night, learning more about him with every sniff. Cologne?

Check. It made me sneeze. Other pets? No go. My favorite moment was when I went on a hunt for his jacket. He tried to hide the jacket in the closet, but even with the door shut, the aroma of Taco John’s led me straight to it. Jenny started coming home smelling like churros every Monday, and she always gave me the last bite. I made sure to wag my tail extra hard so she knew I liked them. Thwap, thwap, thwap.

That cinnamon sugar, though. Pretty soon the churro dates were so often, I thought the mixture had coated my nasal cavities. All the pastry nibbles began to make me “pleasantly plump,” so she stopped the food tribute and started taking me and her tacohappy boyfriend on walks instead. But that’s okay. ow I’m exploring parks and not apartments to smell all the commotion, and every time I set my nose on Trevor (and get past that fast food smell), I remember the memories from our walks.

So to Jenny and Trevor: may you create many more memories.

BIZARRO

THESE ARE MY

1. Appreciate their sense of humor

To the girl who gave me her number last night, I was disappointed to find out the number was to J.G. Wentworth 877-CASH-NOW. But I admire your creativity and will have the song in my head for the rest of the day.

Once she knows that you guys are on the same humor page, she’ll definitely rush back to give you her real number.

2. Take note of

their studies

To the guy in my global studies major project class, I was incredibly impressed by your decision to write about feminism. Your knowledge on the subject blew me away today. You could have researched any other topic, but you chose to spend your semester learning and writing about feminism. Your intellect is so very attractive.

Keep doing you.

This is particularly effective because it shows that you are also just so smart.

3.

Combine a nerdy reference with some sexual innuendo Quidditch Players, Can I ride your brooms?

Sincerely, Co-Ed Sports Are Sexy It’s the best of both worlds!

Confessions

By Annalise Gall

8. Keep it cheesy

4. Compliment

Erik Husby, You make my heart melt and a kaleidoscope of butterflies appear in my tummy every time I get to talk to you. Don’t ever stop being you.

their body

Dear Taylor the anatomy TA, You have amazing arms.

Sincerely, Girl who wants to study your anatomy

Maybe add something about roses and violets, too.

Bonus points if you can throw in a not-so-clever pun.

9.

5. Acknowledge the

Make it a group invite Gopher Women’s Hockey team: Damn.

hard work they do

About time they got some recognition!

Prof Sisneros: let’s just say she can grade my papers any day.

Yes, she can. Because it’s her job.

6. Work up some

10.

sexual innuendo Laura Andrew, You can play with my trombone(r) any time.

-A fellow band student

Yes, we all get what you mean by that...

7. Keep it simple

Make a nerdy reference Aaron Rappaport, You are the Samwise to my Frodo Baggins.

The Gandalf to my Bilbo Baggins. But of all the Lord of the Rings references I can make, this is the most important—I am Gollum, and you are my PRECIOUS! Love, Dave Skylark If they get it, you’ll know you’ll finally have someone to fulfill those Leia-in-chains fantasies with.

Nick Peterson, wanna have my children? Just a thought.

Direct and to the point.

WAKEMAG.ORG | 6

BIZARRO

DATING AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH:

By Kelcie McKenney

Relationships aren’t just a way to connect; it turns out they have a multitude of health benefits, too.

Recent studies from niversity of hicago and orthwestern niversity have found that being in a relationship can significantly decrease stress, help reduce mental health problems, and increase levels of the chemicals in our brain that make us happy. “ ertainly just connecting with other people,” Sarah Keene, instructor of the Success Over Stress course at the niversity of innesota said has a profound impact. “Feeling valued by somebody or valuing someone else puts a purpose or meaning behind those every day interactions.”

Specifically, a study from Florida State niversity in found that those in committed relationships experienced significantly fewer mental health problems such as lower levels of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, adjustment problems, suicidal behavior and other forms of psychological distress. So why exactly is that?

For couple Aly rudem and athan Daninger, who met through church their Freshman year and recently got engaged this anuary, having someone to talk to is certainly something that helps them.

“I think that if it’s been a long day having someone to talk through things with, that you know is in your corner, really helps,” Daninger said. “ ou know that whatever they say, even if it’s hard to hear, they’re really on your side and they want the best for you.”

According to Keene, just knowing that you have someone else to talk to can make a big difference in managing stress. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a romantic partner, but instead someone you can depend on and you know will be there if you need them.

This is true for best friends Sam underson and Abby Rommel, who met in the fifth grade over a shared love of playing hangman on their electronic dictionaries. The two grew closer over time because of long phone calls about the struggles they were dealing with in their lives. They found themselves

5 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

always turning to each other first, and today still do the same.

“He’s the easiest person to talk to,” Rommel said while seated comfortably at their favorite restaurant Schuang heng in Dinkytown. “If I tell him something that is going on, it’s not like I had to explain everything else that has happened He already knows, and he’s not going to try to fix my problems.

But he’ll listen, and he’ll ask uestions that might help me figure it out.”

The act of talking it out with a friend can help you problem solve and help you feel supported, but it goes even further than that. According to a study from the niversity of roningen in the etherlands, your perceived social support matters more than your actual support. Instructor Keene explained: “ ven if I don’t necessarily have a lot of really good friends or people that can support me, if I think I do it matters, it still matters. So just this idea that I have a safety net below me maybe makes me feel more confident in my ability to handle things or that my stress is more manageable,” Keene said.

That support felt from knowing you have someone to turn to can come from a romantic partner, best friend, a family member, or even a counselor or advisor.

BIZARRO “ ven in our stressors we are always there for each other,” underson said between bites of beef fried rice. “Abby doesn’t see me for almost seven days and she’s like I miss you We haven’t seen each other in a long time And I’m like calm down, it hasn’t even been a week.”

“Hey ou’ve done the same thing to me,” Rommel chimes in.

The fact that they are always there to support each other is what they said keeps them so close. If you build a strong relationship with someone, you feel confident in knowing they’ll be there to support you.

It’s the same thing for engaged couple rudem and Daninger, who’ve learned how to respond to each other when they’re having a bad day.

“If you have gotten to know somebody well enough to the point, well for us, to the point that you know you want to marry them,” rudem said, “you know very much how they respond to different things, like different stresses, and how to best get them through it.”

But with all the research finding benefits for those in romantic relationships, such as a study from the niversity of hicago and orthwestern niversity in that found single people are more prone to psychological stress than those who are married or in a relationship, what might be the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship?

According to a number of studies, such as the euroscience and Biobehavioral Review on the role of touch, evidence suggests that interpersonal touch and connection influences both short- and long-term well-being.

“Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and those types of things that tend to happen in intimate relationships can provide that additional benefit,” Keene said, “but isn’t absolutely necessary to feel supported.”

Research shows that since the sense of touch develops before any other sense in our bodies, the impact of it is surprisingly greater on our well-being.

used to close himself off from people and hold all his stress in, but now he feels comfortable talking to his boyfriend because he knows alster will not only listen but also won’t judge him.

“There are friends of mine that I can talk to as well,” hambers said, “but sometimes you don’t want to burden your friends the way you can talk to your significant other about things.”

For rudem and Daninger, that special connection and the fact that their relationship stands on such a strong base of commitment as an engaged couple helps them to feel more comfortable to talk to each other, too. “ ou’re trying to reach the same goals, which changes things,” rudem said. “And we both know we’re not going to think any differently of each other if you say something or feel something, there’s no judgment there.”

But while these extra benefits are great, it doesn’t take a romantic relationship for someone to help you relieve stress. Furthermore, if you’re feeling pressured to be in a relationship, it might make things even worse.

“I’m hesitant to say definitely find a partner because touch is good and intimacy is good and all of these things,” Keene said. “Because they can be good, but if you feel like you have to be in a relationship, you might be more likely to seek out one that’s not so great and stay in it.”

It is so much better to not be in a relationship than to be in an unhealthy one. nhealthy relationships can come in all shapes and sizes and don’t necessarily have to be violent.

Bottom line, an unhealthy relationship is when the abusive or manipulative partner holds some sort of control over the victim or survivor in the relationship, according to Becky Redetzke Field, a Legal Advocacy oordinator for the Aurora enter. Beyond that, being in an unhealthy relationship can cause even more damage to your mental health and stress levels.

“It’s exhausting,” Redetzke Field said. “Folks that we see are certainly just stressed out beyond belief, often times being full-time students or grad students trying to get degrees, sometimes have children, you know all these things they’re trying to balance in their lives and then also trying to manage the existence of dealing with this abusive partner and it just really takes a toll on people.”

Redetzke Field has seen a number of students, who came into the Aurora enter for help, feel relief and lowering of stress when they leave unhealthy relationships. While there are a number of benefits for your mental health and stress relief when you have a partner, those are only applicable if the relationship is healthy.

“I think it’s also important to realize that having a significant other isn’t going to solve your problems,” Daninger says. “Because if you’re going looking for that, you’re just going to end up disillusioned.

I mean yeah, Aly helps me, but that’s not the reason we’re in a relationship so she can get help from me and I can get help from her. Because if that’s it maybe it will resolve the initial set of stresses and issues but then you’ll end up with a different one.”

Relationships can have a number of benefits to your health, from decreased stress or better management of depression or other mental health issue. It could be your best friend or your significant other, but it’s important to build those relationships only if they make you happy, and the health benefits will come on their own.

ouple Dante hambers and Kevin alster, who have been dating for the past five months, have found that physical touch in their relationship has helped to relieve stress.

“Honestly,” hambers said, “just holding him works for me. Him being there helps a ton.” On top of that intimate connection, hambers said he’s opened up more since dating alster. When he was single he

WAKEMAG.ORG | 4

BIZARRO

THE WAKE

SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

ISSUE

As many famous predecessors before us, such as the beautiful Oprah, I felt it best to have myself on the cover of our debut Love, Sex, & Relationships issue. As the logo and mascot of The Wake, I believe I completely encompass our sensual side. Stare into the gentle curves of my eye and be captured by an alluring look. I’ll ravish you with stories of secret admirers, broken hearts, and songs to get you in the mood. Spread open my pages and read for more.

The Wake Eye

SE X SE L L S The top Minneapolis joints for all your kinks

By Grace Birnstengel The Smitten Kitten Lyndale Avenue S Sex-positive, inclusive, and consensual vibes— it’s all here! SK is the hub of the safest, top-ofthe-line gear (for a price).

Twin Cities Leather & Latte Hennepin Avenue S Ever wanted to sip an Americano while shopping for nipple clamps? You got it, babe.

Sex World 2nd Avenue N Forget mechanical bulls; get on top of SexWorld’s golden mechanical penis! Get lost in a world of (slightly cheaper) toys and accessories downtown (then use them in your downtown).

3 | MAY 4 - MAY 18

1 3 5

Ten Strange Facts About Se an t e Bo y

By Sara Glesne

Roughly a quarter of penises are slightly bent when erect.

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A 2010 study found that overweight men tend to take longer to orgasm, this being attributed to a higher level of feminine hormones.

The egg is the largest cell in the human body, and if it were outside of the body could actually be seen by the naked human eye.

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6 8

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The average pair of ovaries contains over 500,000 eggs at birth, but only about 400 will be released across reproductive years.

A fetus can have an erection in utero.

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Sperm cells, on the other hand, are the smallest type of cell in the human body.

The average vagina is three to four inches long, but can expand by 200 percent when aroused.

Along with the genitals and breasts, the inner nose swells during arousal.

Semen contains a slew of antidepressant and sleep-inducing hormones including estrone, oxytocin, serotonin, thryotropinreleasing hormone, and melatonin. Studies have shown people who ingest semen through their vagina, rectum, or mouth may be less prone to depression.

On average, pubic hair sticks around for three weeks. Compare that to head hair, which can last roughly up to seven years.

BIZARRO

l a e R y l e r i t n E

SEX POSITIONS THAT YOU WANT TO TRY Prostrate Manatee Manatees are often called “sea cows.” So next time

By Wax Butts The Schnitzel Hammer You’ve got some meat. You have a hammer. What else is there to say?

The Soggy Pancake The soggier the better. Best served with a lot of syrup and a pat of butter on the tummy.

and you’ll know exactly what this position is about.

79ing So we’ve all tried 69ing, but have you tried 79ing?

Warning: at least one partner needs to be double-jointed, or you risk breaking some bones. Or worse.

The Soup Kitchen This one’s all about generosity. Sure, things might get a little runny. Yeah, maybe you’ll need to pick some hair out of your teeth afterwards. But hey, take it or leave it!

Missionary Position Get this: the woman lies on her back with legs spread. The man lies on top and enters from above.

Okay, no, you’re probably right... this one is a little out there.

Dear Hot Guy Guidance Column, I’m a 19-year-old girl who’s had bad luck scoring an attractive boy. What kind of qualities do hot guys like in a girl?

Thanks, Abby.

Dear Abby, Look, here’s the thing: I know it’s hard to fathom, but hot guys are people too!

Truth be told, Abby, it’s a pretty simple formula. If I’m going to be honest with you, all I look for in a girl is that she’s ally engaging, physically immune to extreme heat, in command of an army of Unsullied soldiers, and the mother of three ancient dragons. Simple!

BRECK HICKMAN

LE WITH T T O B E H T IN SP G IN Y LA YOU’RE P THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE

FUN, NEW WAYS TO BREAK U P WITH SOMEONE

By Kelcie McKenney

“Sorry, but my cats take up all my energy and I just don’t have time for you.”

“My boyfriend’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble! Hey now, hey now my boyfriend’s back!”

“It’s not me, it’s you. No really, it’s you. I don’t like you. Please go away.”

who do you want the bottle to land on?

48%

Goldy Gopher

24% 20% 8%

Any one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Snoop Dogg

Newt Gingrich

WAKEMAG.ORG | 2

Girls DON’T Like Jerks

Wake Eye HOW RELATIONSHIPS IMPROVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

SEXUALITIES BEYOND

LGBT

AWKWARD

DOUBLE DATES (How to Lose a Guy in One Hour)

PETS HAVE OPINIONS ON YOUR LOVE LIFE FIND OUT WHAT THEY’RE SAYING!

BEST UMN

SECRET ADMIRER

CONFESSIONS

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS CAN THEY ACTUALLY WORK?

Pro High School Relationships

32 t

s e B

the

SONGS FOR THE SAD, THE LONELY, AND THE HORNY