The Wake, Issue 12, Spring 2016

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BLINK

• one page magazine •

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the ideal bag lunch

s b i l ad

BY LIANNA MATT

Today was ______'s first time going to the ______. All was [place]

[female name]

BY KELCIE MCKENNEY

well until she started crying after seeing ______. Although her

Make your parent a master chef for lunchtime with this meal worthy of a golden paper bag.

[noun]

parents tried to console her, it wasn't until they gave her ______ [noun]

• A PB&J—with the perfect ratio of peanut butter to grape jelly—cut into hearts because your parents love you. No crusts, obviously…

that she stopped crying. The ______ got all over her ______, [same noun]

• Red and green grapes, because just one isn't enough.

[body part]

and when she ______, it got all over the ______ of the ______.

• Classic ants on a log: celery sticks with peanut butter and raisins. If you're going to make kids eat veggies, it better be fun.

[past tense verb]

[plural noun]

[same place]

While things got pretty messy, it made everyone laugh, and she

• Fruit snacks—the one snack that makes everyone in the lunchroom envious.

had a new nickname for her artistry: The ______ of toddlers!

[TMNT name]

pokemon cards candy

16% m a y 2 – m a y 15

45%

the claw machine game

16%

inevitable student loan debt

23%

OL I VIA N OVOT NY

KE LC IE M CK ENNE Y

what should you spend your allowance on?

&

goofus gallant:

where are they now?

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up g n i h Catc two with od o childh els od m e l o r

BY COLIN MILLER E MILY H IL L

Any avid Highlights Magazine reader has undoubtedly become acquainted with the morally mismatched duo Goofus and Gallant. Goofus was always known for being lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate, while Gallant was irritatingly perfect, the type to remind the teacher to assign homework at the end of class. Though the boys’ hairstyles changed over time, Gallant’s perpetually screamed “attends sleepaway saxophone camp every summer but gets too homesick to stay past the first week.”

The Wake tracked down both Goofus and Gallant to find out what became of them. What we found out may surprise you.

As it happened, Goofus’ cavalier attitude and total commitment to self-interest worked to his

advantage in early adulthood. After his expulsion from Humboldt State University as a result of a bungled K2 enterprise, Goofus hailed a cab and napped through the 10-hour drive to Los Angeles, assuming he would “figure something out when he got there, or whatever.” When a studio executive saw the way Goofus rolled out of the taxi and proceeded to tell off the driver, remarking “if you wanted to get paid before the ride, drive a bus,” he immediately offered him a leading role in the testosterone-laden “Blue Mountain State”/“Entourage” crossover. This began an illustrious career in cinema for Goofus, whose signature on screen is never saying “please,” “thank you,” “I’m sorry,” or “I love you.” Ever.

Gallant, on the other hand, maintained his highpressure lifestyle of politeness and punctuality until it drove him to the brink of collapse. During his time at Stanford, he took on a custodial mentorship program to keep his school clean and his soul humble and pure. Following that, he sought out the most responsible and unambitious office career in the area, where he shattered his saxophone camp record and made it a full month before a longbrewing mental breakdown sent him hurtling toward heroin addiction and homelessness. He now lives under a shady palm and buys from the same dealer that supplies Goofus and crew with cocaine. They are both overcharged.

The Trending Top 8

U.S. baby names for a lucky new generation

MAX S MI TH

BY EMMA KLINGLER

Chewbacca

This one is no surprise after the vast success of the long-awaited “Star Wars” reboot. It is so big right now, and the feminine “Chewbecca” has been created to appeal to a wider audience of parents.

Clarendon

Like the all-occasion Instagram filter for which it is named, Clarendon is a great fit for any new baby. It has the flexibility of being shortened to Clare or Don, for those kids who would rather go #NoFilter.

Yuge

Parents were captured by the boldness of Donald Trump’s “Yuge,” and are passing it on with the hope that their own child will have the same inexplicable success in their endeavors one day.

Research into naming trends has produced some fabulous insights into which elements of pop culture may be here to stay. With the amount of support behind these top names, it is likely that among this list may be the next Jessica or Michael. Here are the currently trending top eight baby names.

Succulent

Paleo

Damn Daniel

Contour

Either you have one, or you know someone who has one. This hipster plant trend has made its way into the mainstream. With it, Succulent has seen a surge in popularity, replacing Rose, Lily, and Daisy as the top picks for that special flower child.

A variation on a classically popular name, it seems Damn Daniel will stay relevant for another generation at least. Back at it again with the overused jokes.

In the growing tradition of food-related names like Kale and Quinoa, Paleo provides a fresh take by encompassing an entire fad diet. Parents who have used this name like to pair it with the trendy “Klenz,” which has moved up the list in both the first and middle name categories.

This classy choice saw a huge spike in popularity after it was leaked that Kimye’s next child would bear the name Contour West.

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DAVID JOYNER:

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your childhood Barney • the

actor underneath the costume •

BY ABEL MEHARI MA D IS O N D IG IOVA NNI

Do you remember as kids watching the large purple dinosaur that always gave hugs to children and jumped around all the time? Have you ever wondered who was wearing that costume?

presidential candidates or preschoolers?

Barney the Dinosaur was one of the most beloved kid characters during the ‘90s and early 2000s.

The show’s impact was felt all across America as the show reached 1.2 million views in 1996.

Since 1991, over six different actors played Barney.

An African American actor named David Joyner filled the role from 1992 to 2000. Joyner worked the suit and another actor provided the voice.

Before Joyner decided to pursue his acting dreams, he worked as a software analyst at Texas Instruments.

As the show became popular, the demand for Barney and friends increased, so the show added road trips with side characters BJ and Baby Bop. The original Barney actor couldn’t handle the demand from kids and parents and quit after one event in 1991.

Prior to auditioning, Joyner developed a deep connection with the character that helped relate to his role and establish relationships with the kids.

He had an amazing ability to mimic actors and entertain kids by using elements from the actors in his acting.

The dinosaur costume weighed over 70 pounds, and on hot days got over 120 degrees inside. In an interview with Buzzfeed, Joyner said, “You have to be very comfortable with yourself and your sweat because you’re going to be sweating profusely.”

The behavioral overlap is striking

m a y 2 – m a y 15

Ted Cruz

Let us not forget the time Ted Cruz read “Green Eggs and Ham” aloud to the Senate during his filibuster for the Affordable Care Act. Who knew Dr. Seuss’ biggest fan was a god-fearing Texan who doesn’t believe in climate change? In Cruz’s defense, stranger things have happened on the Senate floor.

Bernie Sanders

Every time Sanders interrupts Clinton during debates, he reminds me of that kid who got too fired up about certain topics, like lincoln logs or Bob the Builder, that he cut you off every time. But in Sanders’ defense, affordable education is certainly something worth “feeling the Bern”

When you’re five and/or Donald Trump, sentence structure is non-existent. “My uncle… good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart—you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!”

That may be the longest run-on sentence I’ve ever read, but in Trump’s defense, words are hard.

Hillary Clinton

If I had a dollar every time HRod pulled the “Well, Obama trusted me enough to make me secretary of state” card, I might actually be able to afford college.

She reminds me of the kid you loved to hate who always bragged about their bigger lunch, richer dad, or fancier vacation. Clinton has a point, though: Obama having your back is worth some bragging points.

KE L L EN R ENS TR O M, FL ICK R U SE R S A HD BLUND E R S, FL IC K R USE R MA S O CH ISMTA NGO

Here are a few times our current presidential candidates have reverted to their pre-k ways.

Disclaimer: there was far more material to talk about for a special certain candidate, but hey, some babies are just bigger than others.

When Anderson Cooper asked Trump about his motives for targeting Heidi Cruz, he responded, “Ok, but I didn’t start it!” To which Cooper shot down, “I’m sorry, but that’s the argument of a five-year-old.”

And who says bullying and name-calling is just for kids? Trump tantalized Cruz with my personal favorite burn of the campaign trail. “He’s like a baby—a soft, weak little baby.”

BY GABBY GRANADA It’s a rough world out there on the mean, woodchipped streets of the playground, but we like to think that when we grow up, we get to leave it all behind. No more temper tantrums, no more name-calling, no more screaming “IT WASN’T ME” when the missing cookie is clearly in your sticky, pudgy little hands. Unfortunately, not everyone graduates preschool, leaving their childlike ways on the playground. Sometimes, grown-ups dressed in fancy suits still act like preschoolers. Most people call them politicians.

Donald Trump

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baby food boom A formerly familiar food is taking campus by storm. No, it’s not Spaghetti-O’s (those are always in style, geez), it’s baby food.

With a rainbow of flavors and a chew-free guarantee, it was only a matter of time before the overworked college students of the University of Minnesota decided to give Gerber’s another shot—feeding each other airplane style, of course.

To the unrefined, first-timer’s tongue, traditional baby food has a distinctly slimy feel, but three spoonfuls in, it is impossible to deny the allure of CVS brand gourmet banana mash. The slightly grimy delight is full of nutrients, useful not only to newborns, but also the finals-cramming college student,who needs to grow back a few brain cells before their physics exam.

An extra perk of the Gerber diet is the ease of consummation. One barely has to chew, yet unlike applesauce, baby food never gets old. Available flavors range from prunes, to mangos, to peaches (a personal favorite). Clean up is quick and easy. Unlike most crummy college snack-packs, baby

food only requires a spoon, leaving your post-snack time free of tedious cleanup.

Baby food is remarkably easy to digest, making it a friend of upset and picky stomachs. Vegans and those who prefer to stay gluten-free will be happy to find that most baby food brands offer a wide variety of diet-conscious options. The diet is also greatly helpful for those who struggle with portion control, as the tiny containers limit late-night feasting.

For understandable reasons, some students are averse to reverting to their pre-toddler days, arguing that baby food simply doesn’t “taste as good” as your runof-the-mill burger or steak. But while these claims do have a point, one can’t help but marvel at the incredible flavor variety available in the baby food department— squash appears to be a crowd favorite.

Those interested in returning to the mashed foods of yesteryear, visit your local CVS, Walgreens or Target, and ask to see their baby food section.

h l i C d y hood M o t r Sel e t f t K E LLE N R E N S TR O M

BY BELLA DALLY-STEELE

A Le

The case for a mostly-mushy new diet

Don’t grow up, it’s a trap

BY GABBY GRANADA If you’re reading this right now, that means you made it to age 18. Congratulations!

That’s a feat most people who knew you growing up would have bet against.

Nevertheless, you’re here now, so I’ve got some advice for you.

M AD I SO N DI GI OVA NNI

In little league, when the boys baseball team makes fun of you for playing softball and throwing “like a girl,” smile proudly. Doing anything “like a girl” isn’t an insult. The sooner you learn that there’s nothing on this Earth a boy can do that you can’t, the better off you’ll be. So, hell yeah, you swing “like a girl!”

If those boys practice hard enough, one day they might able to as well. If they still won’t shut up, kindly remind them that you fight like a girl too. But you didn’t hear that from me.

When your mom imprisons you in your room for not sharing your Polly Pockets, don’t take a red crayon to your wall and draw her as the devil with her eyes crossed out. She’ll scream in horror and lock herself in her room for an hour, terrified of the monster she gave birth to. She’s a student,

nurse, AND has to raise you! Give her a break once in awhile, because, let’s be honest, you’re a LOT to handle sometimes—most of the time—okay fine, all the time.

Keep your eyes open for as long as possible when your dad reads you bedtime stories.

Some of the greatest lessons you’ll ever learn and greatest journeys you’ll ever take happen within the pages of those books.

Stay awake for as long as possible because it’s during those times you’ll realize the power of writing, and that words are the closest thing we have to magic.

Listen, kid, life is complicated, and it only gets more complicated with time. Take it easy.

Grab a handful of flavor-blasted Goldfish.

Pop in “High School Musical” to the DVD player for the 100th time. Maybe go for a cruise down the sidewalk in your Barbie edition four-wheeler. Whatever it is that you love doing, keep doing it, and don’t ever stop.

If there’s one final piece of advice I can give you, it’s to be unapologetically yourself.

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Abby Marie Richardson Social Media Manager

First word: Mom “When I was a toddler, I used to sing along to Creed on the radio in my car seat. ‘Can you take meeeee hiiiiigher?’”

Bella Dally-Steele

Carson Ross Kaskel

Online Intern

Sound & Vision Intern

Laura Jean Beier

Online Intern

First word: “Gato” Spanish for cat

First word: Dada “I would scrape my knees three to four times a day, which resulted in an ever-present mural of Band-Aids that covered my body. One day, after scraping a few limbs, I disappeared behind the family rocking chair, appearing a few minutes later missing one of my Band-Aids. My parents asked where it went, and in response, my face broke into a luminous grin and, bulging my tummy out, I pointed proudly to my Band-Aid-filled breadbasket.”

First word: Moon “When I was a little boy, I loved to listen to music. I would sit on my hands and knees and rock back and forth. I would grab CDs, put them in the boom box and forward to my favorite track. I basically destroyed our entire CD collection by either drooling or scratching the discs.”

Hannah Kay Kloos

Cities Intern

Erin Kate Bankson

Design Intern

Chelsea Julian Reynolds Faculty Advisor

“I packed my suitcase at age 4 and pretended to run away. I only made it halfway down our street, but I was still pretty proud of my independence.”

First word: Duck “I loved to dance to my grandma’s Richard Simmons exercise tape called ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies.’”

First word: Mama “I was afraid of men with beards. I would cry at the sight of them.”

First word: Dog “I was so fat as a baby that I had to roll instead of crawl.”

Nels Peter Haugen III Finance Manager First word: Quack “I would only wear a full cowboy outfit every day from age 3-5 or 6.”

m a y 2 – m a y 15

Elizabeth Vitalievna Goncharova Art Director

First word: “Дай” meaning “give” in Russian “When I was a kid, I always wanted to play with my older sisters, and when they wouldn’t want to play with me, I’d cry and say, ‘Mommy, daddy, they killed me!’”

Grace Marie Birnstengel

the wake

Editor-in-Chief

First word: Doll “Being the youngest of three, I was eager to act less like my age and more like my siblings. I refused to sit in my high chair and either sat on my dad’s lap and ate or stood on a chair and ate. My mom said as long as I ate and didn’t fuss, she didn’t care. The words of a tired woman.”

Kelcie Isabella McKenney Executive Director

Gabriella Deborah Granada

First word: Bunny “I was a cuddly baby, and whenever I wanted to be picked up I would tell my parents, or anyone who would listen, ‘Let me hold you.’”

Voices Intern

First word: Pacey (pacifier)

Colin Reed Yacker Miller

“I used to strut around with two pacifiers in my mouth and wreak havoc around the house. Mo’ paceys, mo’ problems.”

Sound & Vision Intern

Peter Steven Diamond

First word: Dog

Sound & Vision Editor

“Around the time I learned to speak, I learned to tell jokes. My first one, I’m told, involved me putting a piece of cheese on my head and declaring ‘hat.’”

First word: “E,” short for my sister’s name, Stephanie.

“When I was about 5, I ran away from home but only made it to the corner of my block and stayed there for like an hour under a tree.”

Voices Intern

Lauren Renee Cutshall

Olivia Louise Novotny Designer

Managing and Features Editor

Vanessa Yaa Nyarko Copy Editor First word: Don’t know,

probably some food seeing how I was quite fat “I’ve been serving that same face since 1994. It all started over some biscuits (British English), cookies for you Americans, my grandmother wouldn’t give me.

Now, it’s become my regular expression for both joyous and sad events.”

First word: Cloud “In my baby book under ‘10 months old’ my mom wrote, ‘Now, you like to put hats on rather than take them off.’”

First word: Animal noises like “moo” and “meow” “I followed a Clifford mascot all around bugging them at a school book fair because I loved dogs so much.

On a similar note, once I ran away from home because my mom wouldn’t let me watch ‘101 Dalmatians’ three times in one day.”

Sara Catherine Erickson

Public Relations and Advertising Manager

First word: Hi! “I stubbed my toe when I was a year a half and proceeded to yell ‘Damnit!’”

wakemag.org

the wake

An eye-opening conversation with my cousin Shaun

BY OLIVIA HEUSINKVELD

Q: Are you looking forward to being an adult? Why or why not?

A: Yes, because you get to do more things. Like, as a kid you don’t really have a job and stuff, and as an adult you have a job, and I think it would be cool.

Q: What job would you have if you were an adult?

A: Archaeologist. BAM!

H ELE N TE AG UE

Q: If you could tell everyone in the world one thing, what would you tell them?

A: Know that there’s always someone in the world that will love you for who you are. Some people never come from a good family, so they always need to know that there is some out there who loves them.

10 WAYS

Q: What is the best thing to do if you are having a bad day?

A: If you did something wrong, think there’s always other days that you can make up for it.

L IZZIE G O N C HA R OVA

To unlock the secret knowledge of children, I asked my 9-year-old cousin Shaun some of life’s biggest questions. Quickly, I discovered he had more helpful answers and a higher EQ than most adults I know.

Kids rule!

Q: What are things you do to feel better on a bad day?

A: Clear your mind. Concentrate and relax and then focus. After that I would be straight back on track.

Q: What is something you wish grown-ups did more of?

A: Helping each other out.

Q: Know any good jokes?

A: YOU BET I DO! What do you get if you eat onions and beans? Tear gas. If anyone wants to know what would happen if you ate those things, that’s what would happen.

Q: Most important thing you’ve learned so far?

A: Learning how to tell time. You know, if you’re a

grown-up, you always have to be places on time. So if you didn’t know [how to tell time], how would you know what time to be there?

Q: Any advice for college kids?

A: If you keep on working hard, you can make it to the top and get good grades, and your life will work out pretty good in the future.

BY CARSON KASKEL 1. When you are dangling upside down from the monkey bars (did you know peanut butter was once called monkey butter?)

to Eat Peanut Butter Because we can all agree that it’s the best condiment in the world

2. Use it as toothpaste. Not only does it clean up your million buck smile, but you don’t have to spit it out when you’re done! (Warning for parents: This may turn your child’s teeth the a pasty brown permanently, but that would look pretty cool).

3. By dipping peanuts in butter!

4. By putting peanuts in the microwave and melting them into creamy goodness! Wait…

5. By eating it off your fingers (trick you friends into thinking you’re actually eating your fingers!)

6. By crunching up peanuts in your mouth until it turns into peanut butter. If you crunch 540 peanuts, you’ll have a full jar!

7. By eating peanut butter right before you go to sleep. You will enter a peanut butter utopia dream trance and sleep like a baby.

8. If your parents make a meal you don’t like, just throw some peanut butter on it and all your problems will be solved.

9. Keep it simple and eat it straight out of the jar.

10. On a sandwich or toast, ‘cause that’s just plain delicious.

m a y 2 – m a y 15

the wake

Move it, Football Head!

A 2016 re-watching of “Hey Arnold!”

H E LE N T E AG UE

“Nobody really learned anything this time around, huh?”

BY COLIN MILLER For those with culturally barren childhoods, “Hey Arnold!” is the animated chronicle of a nineyear-old boy with a football-shaped head living in a boarding house with his grandparents and a diverse cast of tenants (including a Vietnamese country singer and a lazy, illiterate Eastern European moocher—questionable choices perhaps). Each episode features two ten-minute stories, typically involving conflict resolution or lesson-learning. The geographically ambiguous setting bears a striking resemblance to Brooklyn, though creator Craig Bartlett claims to have been inspired mainly by the city of Portland, where he attended art school, as well as his hometown of Seattle.

In many ways, the show was revolutionary for bringing more mature issues like crime, death, and socioeconomic tensions to a young Nickelodeon audience. It was a time of innocence and enlightenment. It was a time before “iCarly”. “Hey Arnold!” was an integral part of my youth, so I rewatched and broke down episode 13 from season five: “Ghost Bride/Gerald vs. Jamie O.” Starting with the up-tempo jazz theme music and quick cuts of unsupervised children trolling around the city at night, the show’s funky aesthetic pervades from the outset. A few things are more unsettling to me now than when I watched this title sequence on an 18-inch Quasar screen at my kitchen table as a youngin.

One, what is Harold doing skulking around alleys and knocking over trash cans? Two, if I, today, saw a line of

kids stomping in unison stretching from one sidewalk to the other, I’d be terrified. The opening credits close with a “West Side Story”-evoking pseudo-confrontation between the girls and the boys, foreshadowing a program rife with templates for heteronormative gender dynamics.

The first story of the episode revolves around the tale of a ghost bride whose husband left her at the altar for her sister. Legend has it the scorned ex-fiancé slaughtered the newlyweds before throwing herself out the window, dooming herself to an eternity of haunting the cemetery. Hella grim, I know. Curly, the creepy, four-eyed egomaniac was desperate to tell the story of the ghost bride, but he’s a punk and laughs like an insane person. So, Gerald, the pre-teen with a two-foot high-top fade and the voice of a professional Newport taste-tester, told it.

The gang makes plans to stake out the graveyard in hopes of spotting the ghost, but not before insinuating that Helga couldn’t come because she was a girl, and therefore too easily scared. Harold says this literally thirty seconds after admitting that he was too scared to come, but even more afraid of being judged as a “chicken.” Ah, the fragility of masculinity. I swear, they should just give every baby boy a bundle of bubble wrap at their bris.

The friends all gather at the cemetery at sundown, save for Curly and Helga, who concoct the same revenge plan after being scorned by the group: dress up as the ghost bride and make haunted sounds.

Helga gets spooked immediately by Curly’s version and gives hers up, leaving the rest to focus their reverse lesson-teaching on the bespectacled cretin by sealing him in the mausoleum that only locks from the inside. The end.

Storyline numero dos centers on Gerald and his domineering older brother Jamie O. From the first scenes, Jamie O.’s core hobby seems to be enforcing Manifest Destiny on all of Gerald’s shit, including a “Pop Daddy” t-shirt, the sleeves of which he rips off in true aggro-bro form. When a junior high school girl named Chloe comes into the picture, Gerald launches into a smooth-guy routine that would charm the Lisa Frank socks off any pre-teen, but the petite femme fatale soon reveals that she’s just using our boy to get to his older brother.

Pitting the tall-haired siblings against one another, Chloe forces situations that result in Jamie O. appearing to hit on her. This riles Gerald up enough to make a pitiful attempt at fighting his elder, humiliating the triflin’-ass Chloe into ditching them both. As an unintended consequence, Gerald and Jamie O. finally had about twenty seconds of heartfelt dialogue.

Psych! Jamie O.’s back to his old tricks by the end of the episode. Nobody really learned anything this time around, huh? Well, I suppose there are all kinds of days to have when you’re the close associate of a kid with a football-shaped head.

wakemag.org

Blue Ivy

BY HANNAH KLOOS

Saint West

On December 5, 2015, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s second spawn was born. While Saint and his father may have a good relationship now, 20 years in the future, Saint will be Kanye’s mortal enemy. Since the womb, Saint was learning his father’s ways. From every arrogant tweet to misdirected rant, he has been training to become Yeezy 2.0. One might think that Kanye would find it flattering that his son is his replica, but Saint will actually be much better than Kanye—a better rapper, creative visionary, and cultural icon than his father ever was, and it will slowly kill Kanye’s soul.

For, you see, there can only be one Kanye West. Their conflict will culminate in a televised duel on the stillrunning “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”.

FROM THE PAST

Blue Ivy is destined for greatness. How can you not be when you’re literally from Beyoncé’s loins? Her parents are both wildly successful moguls, and Blue Ivy will continue the family tradition. However, she will take a more academic route. Inspired by her mother’s political ambitions, she will embark into a law career in order to inspire change from the inside. Blue will take her parents’ legacies one step further by directly influencing the issues they champion in their music.

Prince George

Prince George has an interesting future ahead of him.

As it turns out, the world’s most adorable royal will turn into an actual crumpet. He will still be as adored in this transformed state, and he will be cuter than was ever thought possible.

O F R WAR T S A F D

Celebrity babies twenty years in the future

Adele’s son

A A R O N MUS IC K A N T

the wake

I once heard that Adele had a son, which was the reason why she waited so long between albums.

I haven’t heard much about him since because Adele has kept him far under the radar. I predict that Adele’s son will have a normal life. Maybe he’ll be an accountant? I’m not sure. But he won’t suffer the consequences that many other celebrity babies have, so he’s already won.

15 toys we know you miss from the good old days

MA X S MI T H

LINCOLN LOGS The only better way to pretend you were an old pioneer blazing a new trail in the Wild West than building cabins and towns with these wooden wonders was that computer game “Oregon Trail.”

LEGOS Let’s be honest, these aren’t left behind in your childhood and you’d still be stoked to attend Legoland.

WOOLY WILLY (AKA MAGNETIC BEARD GUY) No, no, there’s nothing weird about styling a beard on a man named Wooly Willy. Not at all. Get your head out of the gutter.

BY LAURA BEIER Remember when your only worries consisted of cutting the crusts off of your PB&Js and who to play with in the sandbox? Well, we’ve constructed a collection of pastimes to take you back and inspire you to let your playful side shine again.

POLLY POCKETS Signature squishy clothing and immaculately tiny shoes: tell-tale signs of a collection of these joyful plastic companions.

BOP IT! Hit it! Shout it! Twist it! Voted most obnoxious but addicting toy ever, by yours truly.

m a y 2 – m a y 15

REMOTE CONTROLLED VEHICLES, OF ANY KIND It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Actually, it’s just your neighbor’s remote controlled helicopter. Watch out, he just got it and doesn’t know what the little red button does.

RAZOR SCOOTERS They see me rollin’. They hatin’. Razors were the most eco-friendly and stylish way to get around your neighborhood by far. Don’t hit your ankle with the scooter, though. You’ll be out for weeks.

EASY BAKE OVENS I have a weird feeling about food that’s cooked by a light bulb, but hey, maybe that’s just me.

ETCH A SKETCH So many masterpieces destroyed by a simple shake. I guess they were trying to teach us at an early age that everything is temporary.

BARBIES AND THEIR EXTRAVAGANT ACCESSORIES You’re lying if you didn’t want a life as glamorous as the shiny pink cars and intricate mansions with extensive wardrobes implied.

“REAL” BABY DOLLS I’m not sure what that fake pee was made of, and still don’t want to know, but six year old me loved this illusion of responsibility from dolls that demanded so much attention.

KLUTZ KITS Anything and everything you could ever want to create, from shrinky dinks to bottle cap magnets to magazine paper jewelry. Crafty little shits.

AMERICAN GIRL DOLLS I had four and I’m not ashamed.

MINI MOTORIZED CARS A highly underestimated form of transportation often used to race down sidewalks and assert domination over kids who had pedal cars.

TAMAGOTCHIS When I say everyone had these key chains with unidentifiable virtual creatures to take care of, I mean it.

Kid for a Day

B ec a use age is

BY ELLIE SWANSTROM

the wake

et s d n just a mi

Ah, to be a kid again. It was a simpler time, fueled primarily by fruit rollups, afternoon “SpongeBob” sessions, and *queue the angelic choir* nap time. After working plenty of summers as a camp counselor, I often found myself experiencing severe nostalgia for my younger years when I watched the youngsters run and play without a care in the world. But then again, why not spend a day living like a kid? As a social experiment of sorts, I decided to spontaneously relive my childhood schedule for a day in college. Practical?

No. Revitalizing? Absolutely.

GENERAL GUIDELINES INCLUDED: - iPhone usage is limited to only directly contacting friends (i.e. no social media, no taking excessive amounts of photos).

- Attendance and attentiveness in class is still mandatory. Kids’ minds are always active.

- Be as spontaneous, inquisitive, and adventurous as possible.

I started with a 7:30 a.m. wakeup time. (Kids don’t sleep in! Too much fun awaits).

I avoided my usual coffee and oatmeal routine and went straight for a heaping bowl of Lucky Charms, because, as any kid knows, there’s no better morning fuel than marshmallows. Side note: my marshmallow to cereal ratio was on-point.

On this particular day, I lucked out with ideal weather conditions for April in Minnesota: sunny and 60 degrees. Around 4 p.m., after spending some of my free time drawing mermaids and landscapes with my colored pencil stash, I invited some friends to venture down to the riverside—the perfect springtime oasis. We set up hammocks, skipped rocks, and tossed a football around, but more importantly, we weren’t afraid to get a little dirty. I even convinced everyone to dip their feet into the river, which was, not surprisingly, as chilling as the breath of death.

“I could practically hear my mom ushering us back into the house for dinner as we climbed back up the concrete stairs to civilization.”

We stayed by the water laughing and amusing ourselves until the sun started to dip below the horizon. I could practically hear my mom ushering us back into the house for dinner as we climbed back up the concrete stairs to civilization.

When I asked my friends what their favorite childhood meal was, it was unanimously decided that a McDonald’s Happy Meal is a staple item. We walked over to Dinkytown together, a rather spur-of-themoment decision for a weekday night, and eventually found ourselves at Mickey D’s to enjoy some greasy, chicken nugget-y goodness. Later that night, I hit the hay at around 9:30, sufficiently worn-out after a day of adventuring.

While it was just plain fun to find ways to relive my childhood for day, it also helped me realize how restricted a college schedule can be. There’s something to be said for spontaneity, because it seems like the best moments are not carefully planned and forced, but rather occur organically.

Living like a kid, I was able to forget about the heaps of homework that awaited me back in my bedroom or what was happening on Instagram. I was able to rediscover that childlike sense of fun and delight that had unknowingly slipped from my grasp. It’s easy to get trapped in the responsibilities that come with being an adult, but we should all take a few queues from our past selves. Children are rarely ruminating on the past or future, allowing them to appreciate the little things and avoid feeling self-conscious.

Really and truly, who cares if you look silly? Try shrugging off your grown-up side and living with your childhood self in mind. Not only is it beneficial for your mental health, but it’s an excellent opportunity to reprioritize and recharge.

LI NDY WI RT H

Afterwards, I went upstairs to pick out my outfit. It had to be colorful yet chic, moveable yet eye-catching.

As any child knows, achieving the perfect balance of comfort and style is not a simple task. I finally settled on a soft, well-loved tie-dye t-shirt paired with leggings and brightly colored tennis shoes. I left my hair in its natural curly state and tied it into an impressively flippy high ponytail. Lookin’ good, feelin’ good.

The sugar high was raging at this point, only to be followed by a sudden dip in energy. Luckily enough, I was able to regain the bounce in my step by taking a quick, but nevertheless glorious, powernap back in my dorm. Later in the dining hall, I constructed the classic American kid lunch: PB&J, baby carrots, and a heaping glass of milk.

wakemag.org

the wake

AN ADVENTURE An original poem

BY CARSON KASKEL O’ mama, O’ mama let’s go out and play It’s 2 in the morning so let’s start the day!

You tell me and tell me to get me some sleep But until you listen, I’ll sit here and weep.

All I want is to play with my toys So I’m going on an adventure I climb out of bed, quiet as heck I promise I won’t make noise Crawling on the floor, I’m scared but thrilled Hoping the kitty won’t catch me, I shush.

The man on the moon shines his flashlight through the tall windows Halfway there, I high five myself The home stretch has begun Slithering across the cold ground Like a ninja, I won’t be found My playpen is in sight Gonna have to hop the fence If I fall this could get tense

Uh-oh! I waked up Jerry Time to run I get on my foots At this point I’m dead meat Footsteps get noisier I crawl for my life And now I’m flying Soaring like an eagle Flapping my wings I feel like a king Feeling invincible Then my head hits the pillow “Go to sleep!”

Mission failed.

m a y 2 – m a y 15

FLI C KR US E R D O NNIE R AY

So close I can smell it Poop, saliva, and all I hear a slight rumble MEOW! HISS!

“Constellations”

@ The Jungle Theater

The Riverview Theater

BY HELENA MUELLER Many of us are too young to remember the days long before Netflix when not just film buffs took frequent trips to the movie theater. One theater in the Howe neighborhood of Minneapolis is preserving that old-school Hollywood glamour.

The Riverview Theater, built in 1948 and later renovated in 1956, has upheld the art-deco charm of an old theatre while offering exceptionally low prices—just $2 per ticket. Sure, the films are a few months behind their big release, but with their unbeatable prices, assessable location, and charming 1950s décor, no one is complaining.

Riverview continues the stellar prices when it comes to their concessions, offering candy for $1 and eliminating the need to sneak in your own movie munchies. Not only is the candy cheap, but the popcorn is topnotch. They use real butter and give you the option to add cheese or ranch.

During a recent visit to Riverview to see “Brooklyn,” I met a self-proclaimed popcorn sommelier in line, and apparently this is the best popcorn in town. Take that as you will.

Just a short 35-minute bus ride away from campus, The Riverview Theater is the perfect evening activity for a group of penniless college students. And for just $2 a ticket, there isn’t anything more you could ask for.

E S KI ME AU X. B AND C AMP. C O M

H E L E N A M U E LLE R

H E LE N T E AGU E

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

BY LAUREN CUTSHALL With one finger on fast-forward and another on rewind, The Jungle Theater’s latest production “Constellations” welcomes the audience into a love story again and again.

The show opens at the beginning of a relationship between Marianne, an outspoken but charming scientist, and Roland, a thoughtful beekeeper. The twist lies in how each milestone of their life together is shown from different perspectives in multiple universes. Their relationship teeters on a pile of variables.

Eskimeaux’s

“Year of the Rabbit”

BY PETER DIAMOND Fresh off the release of her proper debut studio album, “O.K.,” bedroom pop singer-songwriter Gabrielle Smith returns with the six-track “Year of the Rabbit” EP under the Eskiameaux moniker. If last year’s full length was an indication of Smith’s ability to unearth words of wisdom from her past (and repolish demos to pop purity with proper mixing), “Year of the Rabbit” draws its strength from the raw, organic sound of the Eskimeaux live band.

In a script that could easily lose its footing, the actors manage to keep the audience a few curious steps behind.

Between Marianne and Roland, a relatable tension pairs with “Year of the Rabbit” could be thought of much like a prologue to “O.K.” Both albums mostly deal in the emotional weight of a serendipitous sense of chemistry, making for a relationship self-discovery, but whereas “O.K.” felt like a series of climactic that’s enjoyable to witness. realizations, “Year of the Rabbit” thoughtfully wanders through Though each scene shifts slightly from the last, the characters Smith’s insight into relationship nuances in the retracing of her never stray from their true personalities but react differently past. nonetheless. The humor that manifests itself in the contrast between scene versions balances a repetitive script peppered “It’s not enough to sit together inside a room, to merely lay with heavy, mind-bending themes. beside one another as lovers do,” Smith sings on the title track, and throughout the EP it’s as if she’s coming to terms with On a minimalistic, all-black stage, tinsel-like ribbon mimics the what exactly she wants out of a relationship. On “Power” she stars and the audience is welcomed into the multi-verse of sings, “Wish I could love you less like a praying mantis, rip your their lives. A complete lack of props allows the physical space head off every time this starts to feel right.” The EP’s softer, between them to act on its own, almost representative of a airy production is accentuated by the relatable apprehension third character. Careful lighting cues signify scene changes and of entering a new relationship. a quick whooshing sound denotes the shift into a new version of the same scene.

With a risky and uniquely repetitive script, The Jungle takes “Constellations” out of this world and into the next—several times—for a satisfying and overall thought-provoking production that begs the question we all ask ourselves:What if?

“Constellations” runs through May 29.

The year Smith alludes to, 2011, was when she began dating her current partner, and in an interview with The Fader, she wonders if “[relationship problems] from the beginning are the problems forever.” But rather than running in circles, Smith’s reflections on the moments that define a relationship are as grand as ever.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 12

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

P U T T HE PA R T Y TA PE ON What to look for in Drake’s new album, “Views From the 6”

S OP H IE F E S S E R

BY ELLIE SWANSTROM Drake has released six albums over the past six years, and every single one of them has gone platinum. There’s no denying that he’s come a long way from his “Degrassi” appearances, but in addition to being a talented singer-songwriter, he dodges the arrogant, narcissistic rapper stereotype by consistently showing support for emerging musical artists and his hometown of Toronto, Canada. Drake’s rise to the top has been a steady climb, but many are anticipating that his newest album, “Views From the 6,” will be his best work to date.

With “Rogue One,” Disney rises while others sink

BY KARL WITKOWIAK Recently, the “Star Wars: Rogue One” trailer was revealed, with the release date slated for later in 2016. The film is intriguing in that it offers a first for “Star Wars” movies: a canonical spin-off of the original series. The film takes place in between episodes III and IV and centers on the rebellion squadron that stole the Death Star plans from under the Empire’s nose. The general observer may see this as a placeholder until episode VII rolls around, but Disney has bigger plans than that. Not only is Disney going forward with “Rogue One,” but they also have two other spin-off movies involving fan favorite characters, including Han Solo and Boba Fett.

As for whether or not Disney can pull this off… well, that’s out of the question. For the past eight years, Disney has managed their other biggest franchise, Marvel, with utmost care and careful construction. We have gotten about two to three Marvel movies every year, and yet, all of them have been hyped beyond belief, sold unbelievably well, and received decent to excellent reviews. How do they do it? How can Marvel pull of this massive act of franchising while other studios, like Warner Brothers, try to pull this off with “Batman vs. Superman,” only for it to blow up in their face?

11 // MAY 2–MAY 15

HELE N T EAGUE

E x p a n d ed Empires

Well, money and resources seems to be the safe answer.

The Marvel movies have an ensemble of directors and producers, from Joss Whedon to James Gunn, each working on movies that have subtle differences from one another to make them stand out. Star Wars is treading similar waters. “Rogue One” is being directed by Gareth Edwards, the director of the 2014 “Godzilla” movie. Other directors planned for the Star Wars movies include Rian Johnson, who is known for “Looper,” and Colin Trevorrow of “Jurassic World” fame. With several directors and producers creating the movies in tandem, the movies can come out one at a time without feeling rushed.

However, Warner Brothers doesn’t seem to have as stable footing as Disney with its multitasking (as well as not having as much money). Disney proves it can do well with its franchising and with millions seeing their movies, they aren’t stopping anytime soon.

The “6” refers to the 416 area code from Drake’s home base in Toronto, Canada. References to his Canadian roots are scattered liberally throughout his past work, showing unwavering support for his humble beginnings, however distant from today’s competitive rap scene. From his 416 tattoo to music videos showcasing Toronto’s extensive skyline, Drake is true to his roots despite spewing profanity. Once upon a time, Drizzy was just a middle class, Jewish, Canadian kid named Aubrey, and why should he ever renounce that?

Prior to the April 29 release date, three single were released from “Views,” and although they vary in style, each one has been well received. In “Summer Sixteen,” Drake announces his plans to dominate the music industry in 2016, and, in classic Drake fashion, includes a beat switch midway through and shoots at Kanye: “Now I got a bigger pool than Ye, and, look man,Ye’s pool is nice / Mine’s just bigger is what I’m saying.”

But keep your friends close and your enemies closer because “Pop Style,” another single from “Views,” features Jay-Z and Kanye himself. “Pop Style”—the Jamaican equivalent of “ballin’”— has a dark, haunting beat and a strong bass that works well with cocky lyrics like “Cop a crib and spend 10 million on remodel” or “Turn my birthday into a lifestyle.”

Fans are anticipating future collaborations from this legendary rapper trio consisting of Jay-Z, and Ye, together called “The Throne,” and Drizzy.

Drake’s most recently released single, “One Dance,” features upcoming artists WizKid and Kyla and incorporates a tropical, Caribbean beat and conga drums, making it the most upbeat of the three released singles. It’s summery and danceable— already a radio staple.

I anticipate that Drake’s “Views From the 6” will have a “Life of Pablo”-like impact (watch out Kanye). There will be gifs and memes about it spread across the internet (see “Hotline Bling”), his OVO tour will sell-out promptly, and we’ll be listening to this album all summer. But a fair warning to Spotify users: “Views From the 6” will only be available on Apple Music for the first week.

THE WAKE // SOUND & VISION

HELEN TEAGUE

DEFENDING

Reconciling opinions on eastern comic art and animation

BY JACK HEDLUND-FAY From the fast-paced vignettes of a businessman’s experiences in a surreal and ominous hotel in “Gregory Horror Show,” to the heartfelt story of love and loss in “Clannad,” anime and manga span a wide range of genres, demographics, and styles.Yet, often when anime or manga are used attributively to describe a piece of art, it’s done to devalue the work and forces supporters of the art onto the defensive.

To a certain extent, it makes sense. For a long time, anime and manga grew and developed independent of the west. A veritable lexicon of artistic tools appeared in the east that were largely unused in the west. Among other things, serialized manga tend to have more space than western comic books, and thus can take up more space for setting a scene, or altering the pace of the action. This can make manga seem dull for some readers. The differences in the iconography and style between eastern and western art and animation alone are enough to alienate many newcomers. The design of anime—particularly the characters’ appearances—is often a divisive issue.

Supporters of anime will spring to the defense of the art, pointing to its uniqueness and the degree to which it can reveal information about the characters and their personalities.

Opponents point out anatomical absurdities, strange hair, and

outlandish outfits. While globalization has certainly helped to start bridging the gap between east and west, it’s likely that the differences aren’t fully reconcilable. As with almost any item of cultural significance, there are aspects or examples that just won’t appeal to the general western audience as they would to a general eastern audience.

//Opponents point out anatomical absurdities, strange hair, and outlandish outfits.

However, regardless of origin or audience, art is a medium of conveying information and emotion.

If that is done more effectively with exaggerated designs or bizarre appearances, then so be it. For some people, those bizarre choices break immersion and make it more difficult to enjoy the story, no matter how well it’s told. No matter your opinion, however, it’s worth understanding these unique aspects in order to better appreciate the art.

//

WAKEMAG.ORG // 10

A L L IMAGE S B Y L AU RE N CU T SH A L L

THE WAKE // FEATURE

BY WAKE STAFF, CURATED BY LAUREN CUTSHALL AND GRACE BIRNSTENGEL

FIFTY THINGS

Back in the fall of 2012, The Wake published a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Graduate,” and we figured since a lot has changed in those four years, it’s time for a revamp.

It’s no surprise that we, as students, have a lot on our to-do lists. Start with everything you want to do on campus and it might be manageable. But when you tack on all there is to do in the city of Minneapolis and then add all that St. Paul has to offer, you realize that list would never end. So here’s the culmination of our favorite activities throughout the Twin Cities. From searching for murals to attending a summer festival, here’s The Wake’s top 50 things to do before you graduate.

The Wake’s ultimate Twin Cities to-do list, Pt. 2 BETWEEN CLASSES AND CAMPUSES Play capture the flag on the mall on a Friday night.

Visit every library on campus. There are over 30. Pick a favorite.

Go to P.A.W.S. to pet away worries and stress with therapy animals.

Take a class outside of your major just because it sounds interesting.

Go a gopher women’s sporting event and support our women athletes—they’re FREE! Watch a free movie at Coffman, but sit in the back with smuggled snacks and quietly dub over the film with your own commentary.

Go to a University band, choir, orchestra, dance, or theater performance.

Take advantage of the sauna at the rec center.

Visit the greenhouse on the St. Paul Campus.

Try every kind of Mesa Pizza.

LOOK AND LISTEN At the Guthrie, sit at the bar and order drinks, pretending you have the money to eat there.

Go on a Twin Cities mural tour—Bob Dylan downtown, Prince in uptown, Jesus on LovePower Church.

Check out the artistically crafted snow sleds at the Art Sled Rally in Powderhorn Park.

Buy a gift for someone at Ingebretsen’s Scandinavian Gifts.

Check out an art fair that you’ve never been to before, like Art-A-Whirl, the St. Paul Art Crawl, or the Uptown Art Fair.

Listen to people tell stories at The Moth event at the Amsterdam Bar and Hall. Maybe tell your own.

Go to a museum by yourself and stay in each exhibit for as long (or as little) as you like.

Get student rush tickets to a concert at Orchestra Hall.

Religious or not, visit St. Mary’s Basilica and the Cathedral of St. Paul. Compare. Contrast.

Listen to Button Poetry live at CAMP bar in St. Paul.

9 // MAY 2–MAY 15

THE WAKE // FEATURE EAT OUT AND DRINK UP Get some vegan meat at the Herbivorous Butcher.

“Reminisce” about prohibition at Volstead’s Speakeasy.

Order drinks and ride the ferris wheel at Betty Danger’s Country Club.

Go on a donut crawl to all the donut shops you can think of.

Devour a taco at Tacocat in the Midtown Global Market.

Have a beer at one of the local breweries and ask the bartender a thoughtful question about what you order.

Hunt for the best cheese curds in the Twin Cities and brag about it to your Wisconsin friends.

Head to the rooftop of St. Paul Irish pub, The Liffey, to literally and figuratively lift your spirits.

Visit The Finnish Bistro for all kinds of tasty Scandinavian food.

Observe a latte art throwdown at a local coffee shop (and try to drink leftover lattes for free).

ONE WITH NATURE Spend an afternoon walking up and down Summit Ave. in St. Paul and see some of the most beautiful historic houses around.

Visit the Foshay Tower Observation Deck and wonder how on Earth it used to be the tallest skyscraper in Minneapolis.

Cheer on skiers at the cross country skiing Loppet at Theodore Wirth Park.

Play sand volleyball at Memory Lanes. Alternatively, go bowling at Memory Lanes.

Walk around the chain of lakes (Harriet, Calhoun, Isles, Nokomis), people watching as you go.

Go paddleboarding on Lake Calhoun, realize it’s too windy, paddle over to Lake of the Isles and enjoy.

Pack some snacks and head to Boom Island Park for a picnic.

Visit the Prospect Park Tower the one day a year that it’s open.

Walk across the Lowry Avenue Bridge once in the daytime and once a night when it’s lit up.

In the dead of winter, visit the Como Conservatory and remember what it’s like to see green, living things.

CITY SUMMERS Order from food truck after food truck at the Uptown Food Truck Fair.

“Ooh” and “ahh” at puppies in The Dog Parade.

Get Izzy’s ice cream and eat it at the top of the hill in Gold Medal Park.

Go to the Pizza Luce Block Party.

See a St. Paul Saints game at the new CHS Field in downtown St. Paul.

Play bocce ball on the roof of Brit’s Pub. Wander around Harriet Island for beautiful views of downtown St. Paul.

Go to Minnehaha Falls, following the creek until you reach the Mississippi River.

Stock up on popcorn and bug spray and watch a movie in a park.

Stay out all night during the Northern Spark Festival.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 8

THE WAKE // VOICES

A SPLIT DFL Ilhan Omar is emerging as the frontrunner for the District 60B race in the State House of Representatives. She is a progressive voice, and would be the first Somali-American woman to serve in the House.

On April 9, she secured 55 percent of the delegate vote, but not the required 60 percent in order to win the DFL endorsement at the convention. Many roadblocks were thrown in Omar’s way during the proceedings of the convention, which must now go to a primary election.

University of Minnesota students have a lot at stake. Whoever is elected is the student and University voice in the House. Everything from the tuition we pay to the funding we receive is vocalized and fought for by our district representative.

Felicia Philibert, 19 and a student intern for Omar’s campaign, described the convention as “pathetic” because she felt “the student voice was being blatantly disenfranchised.”

The race to represent District 608 continues to heat up Philibert was at the convention as a delegate to endorse Omar.

This year’s race for the 60B House seat is incredibly contested. District 60B represents The University of Minnesota, Dinkytown, Marcy Holmes, parts of Como, and the CedarRiverside neighborhoods, and three candidates are fighting to be its representative.

KE LLE N R E NS T RO M

BY HOLLY WILSON

Mohamud Noor was forced to drop out after it was clear he could not secure enough of the vote. Yet, his supporters stayed and voted to abstain in order to keep an endorsement from happening.

After a 14-hour battle, incumbent Phyllis Kahn received 33 percent of the delegates. Kahn is vying for her 23rd consecutive term.

The primary is set for August 12 when many students are not on campus due to summer break. So, although Omar received the majority

of votes at the convention, she could still fall to Kahn or Noor if she does not receive the needed support on the day of the primary.

Sonia Neculescu, 19-year-old volunteer with Omar’s campaign, said the day was “discouraging,” but that she is “ready to get to work,” in regards to the primary.

A Long Road Ahead

TAY LOR DAN IELS

BY EMMA KLINGLER

7 // MAY 2–MAY 15

Lessons from the Panama Papers those in power and those with money get to play by different rules than the rest.

By now, most have heard about the documents known as the Panama Papers. Leaked from the law firm Mossack Fonseca, the documents expose the ways in which numerous rich or politically powerful individuals have avoided paying taxes by hiding their capital in offshore accounts.As essentially sleazy as that sounds, it is not really all that surprising. Even countries with leaders implicated in the papers have been speaking out against tax avoidance schemes for years. It’s a practice that is universally accepted as bad, but does not seem to encourage much practical response. But these papers have the potential to change that.

The scale of these abuses of power is hard to comprehend, particularly when you call to attention the fact that these leaks were only from one law firm, and there are thousands involved in these schemes. On top of that, most of the actions illuminated in the papers were not illegal, but merely underhanded. The only response that can have any impact in stopping these practices is for influential governments to unite and agree on practical steps toward limiting tax avoidance.

The names of political leaders involved in avoidance schemes, including several on the national level, have caused the most outrage.

With the global wealth gap continuing to increase and little perceived action to fix it, there has already been a fair amount of distrust of the political establishment. Taxes are an essential part of many countries’ social services.

When government leaders avoid paying in, it perfectly illustrates the people’s concerns that

Thanks to the Panama Papers, the public has the ability to move this conversation along.The transparency that now exists about exactly who is involved in these schemes, and how they are being enacted, prevents any resistance against calls for regulation. Governments are responsible for what their systems allow the rich to get away with. With the information in the Panama Papers, they are now also accountable for answering to it..

n w o D k l a A W olog y t n e i c S Lane

LI Z Z I E GO NC H AROVA

THE WAKE // CITIES

One writer makes the brave journey into a tabooed church

BY JOHN BLOCHER Many are intimidated by the enormous, 82,000 square-foot home of Minnesota’s Scientology community. Hanging outside of its doors are two large, crimson colored “welcome” banners. A plaque outside of the bathrooms reads: “Free introductory lectures are available. Come as often as you like. Bring your friends.” Before you can begin a self-guided tour, you must enter your name, address, email, and phone number, along with the programs you are interested in learning about.

The Church itself is sleek, modern, and impeccably clean.They even have a café. Scientologists have a repugnance toward artificial scents and substances. Cleaning products consist of vinegar, baking soda, and hydrogen peroxide, creating an ominous, scentless space.

The tour consists of several television sets where one can flip through video clips regarding human rights, volunteer opportunities, drug resistance, criminal justice, and Scientology’s distaste for psychiatric treatment and “big pharma.” Bookshelves contain countless handouts and books for sale, all of which are written by the church’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

Upstairs, I spoke with a minister of the church. I asked her about the E-Meter, a device used in the “auditing process,” a form of supposed therapy where the participant is asked to recall traumatic memories from their current life, as well as past ones.

Fortunately for me, all guests can receive a free E-Meter test. The minister placed the two metal nunchuck-like instruments in my hands.

“I see you work out,” she said.

The fact that I was bundled up in my winter jacket made the observation all the more creepy.

Perhaps she knew my past experiences better than I thought.

“How did you know that?”

“The calluses on your palms,” she smirked.

Next, she gave me a small pinch on the back of my arm.When I was asked to recall the pinch, the meter swung from one side to the other, supposedly indicating that the machine had picked up on a change in my electrical current, clear evidence that I had recalled a valid memory.

“There you have it!” she said.

Unconvinced, I told myself that she was better at reading palms.

WAKEMAG.ORG // 6

THE WAKE // CITIES

When Dead Bugs Do the Legwork How the U’s Insect Collection works— and works for science

Dr. Robin Thomson has nearly four million coworkers. Most of them are dead bugs.

These animals—dried and kept after death— occupy slides, vials, and drawers stacked in steel cabinets that fill the University of Minnesota Insect Collection, of which Thomson is the curator. “I get to play with bugs every day,” she said.

She manages more than 3.8 million specimens representing over 50,000 species. The collection contains countless kinds: ants, bees, wasps, moths, flies, butterflies, dragonflies, walking sticks, beetles, mosquitoes, and more. It even holds some non-insect arthropods including spiders, centipedes, and hermit crabs. Founded in 1879, the collection includes specimens from every continent except Antarctica, with Minnesota and the Midwest best represented.

Thomson’s office houses books, binders, and insect vials. Across from her computer, a large microscope sits under a calendar illustrated with a dragonfly. The collection acquires some new specimens via donation, as gifts from the public— many hobbyists collect insects—while other specimens come from academic researchers.

Storing these donations is an art. Pins, like small spears, pierce the right side of many a specimen, mounting them in wooden boxes. Other dead insects are kept in glass slides or preserved in vials of alcohol. Every bug in the collection carries a paper tag listing when and where it was caught, along with other data. It’s a library with bodies instead of books, sorted by biological classification.

“It’s amazing how dynamic a room full of dead bugs can be,” said entomology professor Dr. Ralph Holzenthal, the collection’s administrative director.

“It’s almost more than [Thomson] can handle,” Holzenthal said. “Not because she’s incompetent, but because there’s so much that needs to be done.”

Besides monitoring temperature, humidity, and light levels, Thomson looks out for live pests, including dermestid beetles, whose eggs and larvae hide in the carcasses of incoming insects. If they could ever

5 // MAY 2–MAY 15

Many count on this maintenance. “In my job, I get to grease the wheels of science for other people,” Thomson said. Scientists can visit the collection, and researchers who need steadier access to specimens can borrow some. In 2015, the collection gave out 36 loans. Scholars have examined specimen data to study topics including agricultural pest control and the evolutionary history of insects.

The world outside academia uses the collection, too.

The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, for instance, is working to update the state list of bee species. DNR entomologist Crystal Boyd searches collections, including the University’s, for specimens that tell her which counties need further field research. When Boyd is done with a specimen she’s caught, she files it with the University collection.

Holzenthal sees a useful future for the collection.

With the advance of DNA extraction technology, scientists will have reason to discover this resource again, using new tools on old organisms to infer evolutionary relationships. As climate change shifts the geographic range of species, conservationists can use these specimens as a historical record of insect distributions. And amid myriad specimens, new species no doubt lurk, their existence waiting to be unearthed. As science progresses, Dr. Thomson’s collection colleagues—several million strong—will keep showing up to work, day after day. They can’t exactly walk away from the job.

At the Minnesota Zoo, scientists are working to save two endangered prairie butterflies, the Dakota skipper and the poweshiek skipperling.

Public outreach, habitat management, and captive breeding of Dakota skippers are among the strategies in play. In early 2015, the zoo started using the University’s collection.

“These specimens represent some of the only hard evidence for where and when these poorly studied butterflies occurred,” said Cale Nordmeyer, a butterfly conservation specialist at the zoo. Tag data hints at places to survey for these Minnesota natives, and could guide future reintroduction efforts. Researchers also compare skippers stored in the collection to skippers reared at the zoo to avoid breeding traits that could hurt the butterflies once they’re released into the wild. Reintroduction might begin as soon as summer 2017.

H E LEN TE AU GE

BY ANDREW UREVIG

sneak past, they would grow to devour specimen after specimen, turning the collection into their personal bug buffet. To kill dermestid stowaways, Thomson freezes new specimens before placing them in the collection.

Beyond research, the collection serves education for formal groups like scouting troops, 4-H clubs, and college courses, which can schedule tours.

Thomson’s public outreach also entails speaking to different groups. She supplements tours and talks alike with the collection’s small assemblage of live creatures, which includes beetles, hissing cockroaches, a tarantula, and a whip spider.

Essentials

BY SARA ERICKSON With summer around the corner, I can’t hide my dry skin behind a bulky scarf or cover up my unwashed hair with a beanie. Here are three of my favorite beauty products that resurface each spring in order to prepare me for the upcoming summer.

#1

Yes To Grapefruit’s “correct & repair” daily facial scrub. It’s a gentle exfoliant that washes away the day’s accumulation of makeup and oil. It has 99 percent natural ingredients and is paraben-free.

FAC E B O O K. C O M-R AES R EMMUR D

Beauty Product

Most Anticipated Summer Albums

BY COLIN MILLER Kanye West’s “Turbo Grafx 16” It’s hard to know what to expect from the year’s second enigmatic project by pop culture nucleus and Kardashian husband Kanye West. Title changes and pre-release stunts?

Maybe. More songs with Beatles, living or dead? One can only “imagine.”

New Fleet Foxes It’s totally happening. Recently, singer and guitarist Christian Wargo revealed to DISTINCT that despite being in its unofficial stages, a Fleet Foxes reunion is “definitely a thing”.

While J. Tillman’s involvement is uncertain, fans of the indierock band are clamoring nonetheless.

Price: $9-10

#2

Clinique’s redness solutions makeup with SPF 15. Its lightweight, liquid formula is super easy to apply and goes on streak-free. It helps calm flushing or redness without making the face shiny or greasy. Worth the higher price.

Rae Sremmurd’s “SremmLife 2” The first installment sported hits like “Throw Sum Mo’” and “Up Like Trump” (apparently ol’ Donald J. never reached out, though. Seems he learned his lesson from his brief media encounter with Mac Miller). Now, hype single “By Chance” hints at another club-ready release by the young duo.

Price: $25-30

#3

Not Your Mother’s “beach babe” texturizing sea salt spray. I spray this in my hair after swimming in the lake. It’s infused with sea salt and kelp, smells awesome, and helps tame the post-swimming waves in my hair. I think it works best after hair has air dried for a few minutes.

5%

Finance and Risk Management Insurance

G LACI ER N ATI ON AL PARK BY C AL EB VA NDEN BOOM

Price: $6-8

2%

Fisheries, Wildlife, and Conservation Biology

63%

Integrated Pest Management

29% Water Science

Which real U majorminor sounds the most made up?

WAKEMAG.ORG // 4

VOLUME 15, ISSUE 12 DEAD BUGS DO THE LEGWORK // PG. 5

TWO CITIES, FIFTY THINGS // PG. 8

SCIENTOLOGY LANE // PG. 6

EXPANDED EMPIRES // PG. 10

A LONG ROAD AHEAD // PG. 7

DEFENDING MANGA // PG. 11

EDITORIAL: Editor-in-Chief Grace Birnstengel Managing Editor Lauren Cutshall Cities Editor Alex Van Abbema Voices Editor Russell Barnes

Sound & Vision Editors Peter Diamond Olivia Heusinkveld Art Directors Lizzie Goncharova Max Smith Copy Editors Vanessa Nyarko Joe Rush

PRODUCTION: Executive Director Kelcie McKenney Head Designer Becca Sugden Graphic Designers Caleb Vanden Boom Kate Doyle Olivia Novotny Web Manager Carter Gruss

Editorial Interns Emma Klingler Carson Kaskel Colin Miller Gabby Granada Bella Dally-Steele Laura Beier John Blocher Hannah Kloos Faculty Advisor Chelsea Reynolds Distributors Abigail Rommel Sam Gunderson

PR/Ad Manager Sara Erickson

Photography Interns Kellen Renstrom

Social Media Manager Abby Richardson

Illustration Interns Aaron Musickant Madison Digiovanni Helen Teague Sophie Fesser Emily Hill

Social Media Intern Holly Wilson Finance Manager Nels Haugen PR Interns Jenna Ogle Emily Planek

Design Interns Breanna Vick Erin Bankson Web Interns Laurel Tieman Julia Holmes

THIS ISSUE: Photographers Caleb Vanden Boom, Kelcie McKenney, Lauren Cutshall, Kellen Renstrom, Helena Mueller, Donnie Ray Jones Illustrators Helen Teague, Lizzie Goncharova, Taylor Daniels, Sophie Fesser, Olivia Novotny, Max Smith, Madison Digiovanni, Kellen Renstrom, Aaron Musickant, Lindy Wirth Contributing Writers Sara Erickson, Colin Miller, Andre Urevig, John Blocher, Holly Wilson, Emma Klingler, Lauren Cutshall, Grace Birnstengel, Ellie Swanstrom, Karl Witkowiak, Jack Hedlund-Fay, Helena Mueller, Peter Diamond, Lianna Matt, Kelcie McKenney, Abel Mehari, Gabby Granada, Bella Dally-Steele, Olivia Heusenkveld, Carson Kaskel, Hannah Kloos, Laura Beier, Ellie Swanstrom ©2015 The Wake Student Magazine.

All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Disclaimer:The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email gbirnstengel@wakemag.org.

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS

The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455 www.wakemag.org facebook.com/ thewakemagazine @the_wake wake-mag.tumblr.com

Well, well, well. Here we are.

When we joined The Wake as freelance writers four years ago, we were try-hard, fledgling freshmen, eager to soak up knowledge from our editors at The Wake and get involved in as many ways as possible. And we did. We climbed the magazine ladder with enthusiasm, and for our final two years at this University, we ran our favorite student magazine and shaped it into what we thought it could be at its best. We’re so proud of everyone we’ve met and worked with along the way.

We owe a lot of our successes, friendships, and joy to our time at The Wake, but even greater than these things is seeing The Wake impact others in similar ways. Because of The Wake, we’ve seen students break out of their social bubbles, challenge themselves and their skills, and use their experiences here to make connections and—yup—get jobs.

It’s hard to let go of something you’ve thought about every day for the past four years—and oiled and arranged extensively for the past two—but we know The Wake will thrive with fresh faces, perspectives, and stories. Expect greatness, because The Wake is just getting started.

Thanks for the last four years, Wakies, Kelcie McKenney Executive Director Grace Birnstengel Editor-in-Chief

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WHEN DEAD BUGS DO THE LEGWORK

TWO CITIES, FIFTY THINGS PG. 8 //

// PG. 5

A LONG ROAD AHEAD

EXPANDED EMPIRES

// PG. 7

PG. 10 //

VOLUME 15, ISSUE 12 // MAY 2–MAY 15