The Wake Bizarro Fall 2018

Econ Student CAUGHT LEAVING LIBRARY

BIZARRO EDITION

CSOM

SECRETS REVEALED!

BEHIND THE

MASK! What you dont know about Goldy Gopher

Goldy Gopher isn’t who you think he is. And is here to find out his dark secrets.

SQUIRRELS They’re in Dinktown– IS YOUR HOUSE NEXT??

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

contents 23

The best tips on how to get the number of that cutie you’ve been following since the beginning of the semester!

20

We love her, but dont wanna live like her.

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

DISCLAIMER: The stories in this magazine are satire, and should not be taken seriously.

staff

Volume 18

Issue 5

Editorial

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An up-close, indepth look at the university’s cults.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

TALA ALFOQAHA

MANAGING EDITOR

CHRIS SHEA

CITIES EDITOR

OLIVIA HULTGREN

VOICES EDITOR

FARRAH MINA

MUSIC EDITOR

MEGAN HOFF

ONLINE EDITOR

BECCA MOST

COPY EDITORS

MAILEI MEYERS HANNAH HAAKENSON

MULTIMEDIA EDITOR

SEBASTIAN ALFONZO

MULTIMEDIA PRODUCER

DANIEL ELDER

EDITORIAL INTERNS: HANNAH OLUND, SYLVIA RANI, ESTHER CHAN, JIMMY COOPER, EMMA CHEKROUN, MATHRYN MERTA, CALLUM LEEMKUIL-SCHUERMAN, ABBI KIESAU, AUTUMN SANDERS, KELSEY BOLANDER, TOSIN FASEEMO

Production

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We confirm what you always suspected about that one kooky professor.

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

JAMIE ROHLFING

PRODUCTION MANAGER

OLIVIA NOVOTNY

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

MEGAN SMITH

FINANCE MANAGER

ELLA HENNEN

PR/AD MANAGER

SOPHIE STEPHENS

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

MACIE RASMUSSEN

ART DIRECTOR

MORGAN WITTMERS-GRAVES

DESIGNERS

NICOLE FAOUEN ANNIE JUDD SEMIRA MESFIN

WEB MANAGER

NIKKI PEDERSON

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER

CASSIE VARRIGE

PRODUCTION INTERNS: JENNIFER TA, CLAIRE REDELL, JACK NACHTIGAL, MADISON AMLAND, SHAY JERABEK ART INTERNS: SELENA PHILAPHANDETH, EMILY JABLONSKI

This Issue WRITERS BECCA MOST, TOSIN FASSEMO, SYLVIA RANI, JAY DOOLEY, MICHAEL MCGOUGH, HANNAH OLUND, MACIE RASMUSSEN, LYDIA CHRISTIANSON, OLIVIA HULTGREN, CHRIS SHEA, TALA ©2018 The Wake Student Magazine. All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen & James DeLong.

Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole.

To join the conversation email talfoqaha@wakemag.org.

The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455

ALFOQAHA, MEGAN HOFF, ADAM LELIGDON, ESTHER CHAN, NINA RAEMONT, KELSEY BOLANDER, LIZZIE RITCHIE, JOE KELLEY ART 1 BRIGHID DE DANANN, 2 MEGAN SMITH, 3 MORGAN WITTMERSGRAVES, 4 EMILY JABLONSKI, 5 JEREMY MEDECK, 6 SELENA PHILAPHANDETH Q&A PHOTOS COURTESY OF BRACE HEMMELGARN, BRAND REMPEL, AND COURTNEY ANDERSON

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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THEY RIDE THE LIGHTRAIL!

PRESIDENT ERIC KALER sits down with an XXL Rodeo burger at Burger King.

THEY EAT FAST FOOD!

U OF MINNESOTA BOARD OF REGENTS headed on the westbound greenway train for a meeting downtown

THEY GO SLEDDING! Even GOLDY has a love for the fun winter activity.

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

THEY GO TO THE ROLLER RINK!

ERIC AND KAREN KALER on a date at the Roller Garden in Minneapolis.

UMN – s l a i c Offi t s u j e r They’ like us!

THEY GO TO THE LAUNDROMAT!

KAREN HANSON chats with her gals while waiting for a load to finish.

THEY WAIT IN LINE!

DEAN OF COLLEGE OF LIBERAL ARTS JOHN COLEMAN patiently waits to get his week’s groceries.

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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editor’sletter

Follow us on Twitter @thewakemagazine Dear Readers,

A

The Truth

We’re here to find the real story, and this time, it was in our own backyard-or village, we should say. Our own...

Athlete’s Village.

FEATURE

CREATIVE WRITING

GOLDY GOPHER

UNMASKED! — OF GOLDY GOPHER TO BE THE LIFE AND LIES UNIVERSITY CLAIMS IS NOT WHO THE FAMED MASCOT ALFOQAHA AND TALA EN, CHRIS SHEA,

By OLIVIA HULTGR Illustrations

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b y MEGAN SMITH

DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

s I reach the end of the semester, and soon, the end of my time in college, I find myself digging into a rut of regret. It’s easy as things near the end and as time dwindles away to remember everything you could have done¬–the projects you could have put more effort into, the tests you should have studied for more, the friends you could’ve met up with that Friday night you decided to stay in and deep clean your entire house. Regret seems like a societal expectation at times, like we shouldn’t have the right to find joy when so many bleak things are always happening in the world, and we can always do better.

But in your deepest moments of regret and worry, I ask you to find something to celebrate. I want you to think of moments you’re proud of, from something as big as passing a project or test you thought you’d fail, to something as small as going to bed on time for once. You have done so many great things you may or may not even realize, and it’s worth it to take time and celebrate those things. Take time to forgive yourself, and thank yourself for taking the steps to get to where you are now. You’re alive and here, and that’s certainly something to celebrate.

I’ve found a secret to my own happiness throughout college is learning to forgive myself. That rut of regret is so easy to fall into, and I could choose to circle around that rut very easily. Looking back, I wish I had joined some clubs that I didn’t. I wish I’d explored other classes and interest areas when I had the time to. I wish I’d gone out some nights that I stayed in to do homework. I wish I’d done homework some nights that I chose to go out.

This is only a part of being human and being in college, but I am working

on forgiving myself. I have done so many great things and learned so much from the things I did or didn’t do, and reminding myself of this fact every day has helped me walk past the rut and keep moving forward in life. It is not easy to forgive yourself, but it must bea choice you deliberately make each and every day.

I can’t guarantee it’ll make you feel better right away. You might still feel the gnaw of regret even after moving on and telling yourself that its okay, but if you practice telling yourself that it really is okay and accepting the decisions you’ve made, it’ll get easier to forgive yourself.

And to all you other seniors feeling caught in the grasp of regret for things done and not done, let go for a minute. The concept of graduation equaling the end of many opportunities is false. You future is still wide open and full of possibilities, and the opportunities you will have post-education are often ones you can’t anticipate until you get there. Rather than regret what you didn’t do, accept your choices during college (because you clearly had a reason to make them that was right at the time), and create goals and make an effort to make choices that fulfill you in the future.

I cannot promise you will find what makes you happy right away, but I can guarantee that you will find out things you would have never anticipated beforehand, and grow from all of it.

So, if you haven’t already by the end of this letter, tell yourself that everything is okay, and you’re going to be okay. Because you are, and because I believe in you–and so do all of us at the Wake. Finish out this semester strong, and thank yourself at the end of it when you do.

MEGAN SMITH, CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Sizzlers

Administration Under Investigation After Kaler Throws A Rager In His Office Police were called to Morrill Hall last week after a disturbance in the office of University president, Eric Kaler. Kaler allegedly hosted a rager in his workspace with over a thousand students and faculty in attendance. Multiple teachers in the area filed noise complaints but Kaler claims they did so because “they’re just jealous they weren’t invited.”

Reports indicate there was a full bar and a playlist of rap music curated by Kaler himself, which emanated from the room and could be heard within a mile radius.

“I didn’t know he was such a big fan of Lil Pump,” one student admitted. “I guess I misjudged him.” Kaler reportedly made a speech after chugging seven beers (“one for every year at this damn school”) where he admitted he was ready to leave the U and felt that the party was “a fitting end” to his reign. He then attempted to crowd surf off his mahogany desk.

“Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise— Kaler goes hard,” one partygoer said. “I mean, they don’t call him ‘Kegger Kaler’ for nothing.” Kaler reportedly drank a whole keg over the duration of the party, which went from 5-7 p.m. so he could still “go to bed at a reasonable time,” said a student. At one point, Goldy made an appearance and the two played beer pong.

“It was surreal,” said a faculty member.

“I’ve never seen Eric let his hair down before. That professional exterior is just a shell. We saw his true self that night.”

The administration confirmed the rager cost over $300,000 and was funded by student tuition fees. Kaler has since been detained and the University Police Department is investigating the incident.

—BECCA MOST

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Kaler says, “I’m already on my way out, so I figured—what the hell, why not?”

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Sizzlers

STEM Major Confesses: ‘I Really Do Think My Major is Superior’ Last Thursday, students on the main level of Memorial Union were shocked and offended by the comments of Steve Newberg, a third-year engineering major.

“It’s not like I have anything against CLA kids, I just don’t think their majors provide any long-term employment options. I mean, what skills does an English major provide?” Witnesses report that Maurice Leon, a nearby English major, was quick to respond. “Actually, my major gives me a variety of skills that are highly sought-after within the workforce, such as an ability to analyze writing, synthesize information, and effectively communicate ideas.”

Despite this logical response, Newberg refused to change his stance. He clarified his previous statements, claiming “hard sciences are just more profitable than liberal arts. That’s an undeniable fact.”

His words incited a large mob of wellmeaning liberal arts students, extending from the interior of Memorial Union to the front of Vincent Hall. According to eyewitness Michaela Elliot, “a bunch of people followed him to his next class

while simultaneously trying to explain why their majors were just as valuable as his. The theater majors even broke out in song and dance. It was impressive, honestly.”Other STEM majors defended Newberg’s comments. Callie Jones, a computer science major agreed with his sentiments. “The future is going to be heavily reliant on coding and artificial intelligence. Let’s face it, no company is gonna hire a philosophy major to build a robot.” The incident sparked a hashtag, #CLASoWorthIt, as well as a campuswide email from President Kaler titled “In Support of Liberal Arts.” When reached for comment, Newberg’s only remark was, “Hey, at least I’m not in Carlson.”

—TOSIN FASEEMO

“I’m just being honest.”

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Dinkytown Plagued by Squirrels 5

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

It’s November in Dinkytown and the squirrels are running rampant once again.

Furiously attempting to gather provisions to last through winter, the squirrels have become hostile towards the residents of Dinkytown, stealing food and supplies with reckless abandon.

[Insert believable name], who lives in Sanford Hall, recounts her experience with one of the bushy-tailed beasts: “It all happened so fast. I was walking to the bus stop with a scone in my hand when all of a sudden I feel a tug on my pant leg. I look down, and before I can even react there’s a squirrel halfway up my leg and climbing.

The little bugger stole my scone right out of my hand before it skittered up a tree and disappeared!” [Believable name]’s encounter with the tree rodent is unfortunate, but not unusual. Reports of hostile squirrels

have increased by 37% this fall alone, and experts predict these numbers will rise as winter approaches.

“What we’re seeing here is that the squirrels of Dinkytown are learning that in order to survive the tough Minnesota winter, they must be aggressive about stockpiling their cold-weather necessities,” says [insert another name that sounds important], a researcher in the Veterinary school. “They’ll do anything they can for any morsel or scrap they can get their hands on, including attacking University students, unfortunately.” [important name] suggests that students fearful of squirrel attacks can take precautions to protect themselves, such as carrying pepper spray and keeping food items securely stowed away.

—SYLVIA RANI

Sizzlers

CARLSON BOYS CAUGHT FRATERNIZING

1

In breaking news, the staff here at The Wake Magazine has discovered something the boys of the Carlson School of Management have tried to silence for decades -- the real reason they all look alike.

A highly speculated rumor has been floating around campus that Carlson boys are the descendants of a singular primate named Carl.

The genetics department at the U of M has now confirmed this as an indisputable fact. Research is inconclusive about whether they are born with a predispositional attraction to cargo pants, polo shirts, and greek letters, or if this characteristic fashion sense is simply a ploy to get a brand deal with Vineyard Vines.

Beyond Carl’s sons proclivity for prep school chic, we can confirm that they have maintained their similar looks by a form of social isolation.

Because they tend to gravitate towards each other, they have a keen sense for who within their group is purebred. Concrete evidence of this phenomenon can be seen by visiting their natural habitat: Frat Row. In these primitive spaces, we can see the authentic lifestyle of the original Carl, where Busch Light boxes are precious collectibles used for measuring status. The more boxes you have on your wall, the more genetically superior you are.

Religious motifs and phrases such as “Saturdays are for the boys” and “let there be Juuls” were Carl’s first two commandments. He uttered them in between mouthfuls of Cane’s and Panda Express to each of his sons, and now these phrases are graffitied upon the walls of each Carlson boys’ bedroom.

The compilation of this evidence combined with expert consultation has birthed a revelation that has forever altered the way that we view the Chad specimen.

—MAYA ULRICH

CSOM’s darkest secret revealed !

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Sizzlers

Night at the Bell Museum 7 p.m.

Our plan for a late-night party in Bell was a triumphant success. It turns out bored millenials making $10.50 an hour make for a less-than-stellar security force; all seven of us hid in the bathroom stalls and got locked in the museum after-hours, all according to the plan. Now the fun begins: Chelsea and Mark are making out in the planetarium, Dave, Lucy, Andrew and I are setting up a pickup game of football using plastic fruit from the Global Kitchen exhibit, and Brett’s doing shadow puppet theater using the animal skulls from the free-to-touch kiddie room.

Brett’s weird. We’re all having a blast, though.

9 p.m.

We’ve moved up to the second floor balcony to climb up the wooly mammoth.

It’s weird that the security guards took down all of the stuffed animals in the wildlife exhibit that weren’t in display cases before leaving, especially since their perches and stands are still here.

And I didn’t know there were so many animatronics in the display cases, it’s like a realistic, less gross Chuck E. Cheese’s in here. The moose gave me the stink eye, and Brett swears that the lynx was hitting on him. Whatevs. Time to mount some Paleolithic replicas!

9:05 p.m.

Okay so does anyone remember those “Night at the Museum” movies with Ben Stiller? Yeah, turns out all museums come to life after hours. And unlike the Smithsonian, which has some sexy wax figures and mannequins to transform into A-list actors, the Bell just has murderous stuffed Minnesotan wildlife. The good news is that Dave and Andrew were able to jump off of the now-sentient mammoth before getting crushed. The bad news is that they were then immediately mauled by the now-sentient giant beaver. The rest of us booked it out of there before the musk ox got any funny ideas, and we’re now hiding by the wildlife preservation section.

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

A Museum Surprise Ben Stiller can’t save you from resurrected stuffed Minnesota wildlife

2

9:30 p.m.

Well, those wildlife preservation panels explained everything. With humans being kinda shitty to nature a lot, it’s really no wonder they’re trying to kill us. We smashed the panels, partly because we need to fashion some makeshift spears, partly because they made us feel vaguely guilty and sad. We just heard glass breaking and moose trumpeting, so we can assume the display cases will only last so long. Brett’s freaking out in the corner, and Chelsea and Mark are paranoid because the cute couple always dies next in the movies. Fingers crossed. We each have a fragile piece of faux wood to defend ourselves, so I’m optimistic we can get down to the first floor. Let’s show them why half of their species are on death’s door in the face of modern industrial development!

go on without him. It was either that or “Jesus Lord please come back and save me from being eaten.” Hard to tell over the sound of him being eaten. We were able to make it down the stairs only to meet spooky scary skeletons from the touch rooms sending shivers down our spines.

Left with no other options, we fled to the Global Kitchen Exhibit.

10 p.m.

Alright, let’s play “good-news bad-news” again. Good news, Chelsea and Mark were wrong about being next on the chopping block. Bad news, it’s because Lucy was eaten by taxidermized wolves. Chelsea, Brett, and I narrowly avoided getting dive-bombed by dozens of birds (seriously the Bell is like fifty percent birds) only for Mark to trip over a trilobite from the prehistoric section. He bravely told us to

11:30 p.m.

It was a trebuchet; one can’t help but admire the beavers’ ingenuity. The doors will be down any minute. The Michael Phelps breakfast finally got out of the case and throttled Brett by stuffing his mouth with french toast. Chelsea and I are cornered by avocados, corn, and other staples of the ancient Aztec marketplace.

11 p.m.

We have barricaded ourselves in the Global Kitchen Exhibit, where the scariest thing is an ornery plastic replica of Michael Phelps’ breakfast banging in its display case. Unfortunately, the sounds of heavy construction above us suggest that the giant beaver and its modern brothers are teaming up to create some kind of siege engine, perhaps a battering ram or a catapult.

—JAY DOOLEY

Sizzlers

What’s Eating Doris Eldritch?

Dr. Doris Eldritch, one of the University of Minnesota’s esteemed professors of psychology, has a dark secret. This may come as no surprise to many students. The mysterious professor holds office hours and appointments at McDonald’s, so only the teacher’s pets are allowed in her office.

For decades, students have wondered what she’s hiding. Does she live in her office? Is she a hoarder? Well, the truth is far more incriminating.

The Wake received the following email last week: “Recently, I went to Dr. Eldritch’s office to discuss a PSY 1001 test. I didn’t know that she meets students at McDonald’s because I didn’t read the syllabus.

The door was unlocked, so I let myself in. My eyes were not prepared to see Eldritch’s abomination of an office. The bookshelves were packed with novelty cat paraphernalia. There were mugs, stuffed animals, clocks, etc. There was not a single book in sight. Posters of kittens covered the walls. On the ceiling was a poster depicting Garfield’s head photoshopped onto Jason Momoa’s

shirtless body. Within seconds, my tongue was coated in cat hair. No wonder Eldritch coughs so much. She’s probably hacking up hairballs. Suddenly, everything about Eldritch made sense.

I thought she wore those sweaters with cats on them ironically. She’s not self-aware and hip. She’s earnest! The room was spinning. I noticed a cat sitting in her desk chair, staring at me condescendingly. I slowly backed out of the room then ran away. My classmates need to hear this story, but I can’t jeopardize my grade. I need my anonymity. Please publish my story in UMN’s premier student publication, The Wake.”

This brave student entrusted us, an even braver magazine, to copy and paste the email into an article with minimal commentary. The student body deserves to see the true face of their University.

Here it is, folks, and it has scratches all over it. —MICHAEL MCGOUGH

Goldy’s Tinder DM’s Hacked PJ Fleck: PJ: Hey cutie, wanna go on a date?

PJ: We can go camping and canoeing.

PJ: I’d row your boat.

Goldy: Let’s meet up and Fleck.

Bucky: Bucky: Hey ;) Goldy: Lol Goldy: I blocked you for a reason. **Goldy has blocked Bucky** 4

3

The Cat Lady

The truth behind UMN’s most mysterious professor

Cy (Iowa State Mascot): Cy: Boy if you were a vegetable you’d be a cutecumber Goldy: I’m not good at cooking, so let’s go out sometime!

Cy: Baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fineapple.

Goldy: I want you more than some Häagen-Dazs on a hot summer day.

Cy: You must be peanut butter because you’re making my legs feel like jelly.

A squirrel: A squirrel: Hey I’m planning on trashing this Dinky townhouse next Saturday wanna come?

Goldy: Lol A squirrel: So you in?

Goldy: ...

Goldy: Sure, let’s do it. —HANNAH OLUND THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Sizzlers

The Truth about the Tour Guides You’re peacefully sitting in Bruininks Hall when you hear, “It was designed to look like a molecule!

One Stop Student Services is in the middle of the building because, like the mitochondria, it’s the powerhouse of the cell!”

Murmurs of fake laughter from parents follow this analogy.

It’s one of them: a tour guide - officially called an Admissions Ambassador. You see them all around campus, walking backwards, wearing their little quarter zip sweatshirts, jabbering on about the tunnel system, and lying about how convenient the buses are.

You might have seen them filing into Jones Hall every Tuesday night at 6 p.m. You wonder, “What

could they possibly be doing in there?”

You see, the Admissions Ambassadors at the U are actually a cult. And we have the juicy details from an inside source to prove it.

If you were to stand outside the doors of Jones 100, you would hear the tour guide rally cry, an “oofda” uttered from the group’s leaders, followed by a “you betcha” from the followers. This sacred ritual is almost like a call and response prayer.

Peak in the window and you would see the group segmented into smaller “teams” which sit together.

Each team has a leader whose responsibility it is to groom their members and foster loyalty to the organization.

Some say that they even worship Goldy Gopher,

keeping a lock of his fur somewhere in Jones. You may see a few of them in the front row of football games, just demonstrating their commitment to Goldy as his disciples.

And the most sensational detail of all? They joined the cult because they wanted to share their love for the university with prospective students.

—MACIE RASMUSSEN

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From the Tour Guide Office This is the shrine that they have for themselves.

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

Sizzlers

Disheveled Man Seen Shamefully Leaving Library In the dark and early hours of Wednesday morning, That Guy From Your Econ Class was spotted sneaking out of Walter Library. His head was ducked as he tried to complete the walk of shame without revealing his identity, but his Patagonia vest narrowed it down to at least seven people in your class. It appeared he had been on a cramming bender since at least dinner time. Judging by the orange ring around his lips, it also appeared that all he ate for dinner was Cheetos. His glasses seemed to be bent from dozing off while skimming chapters. With his hair in a suggestive disarray and bags under his eyes that suggested a busy night he made his secretive trek to the campus connector.

In the not-so-flattering light of the connector his parched face showed the effect of a few too many espresso shots the night before. He tried to hide his face from fellow shameful crammers but did so with Econ homework that had his name written on the top. His mind seemed to still be stuck on his intimate night shared with his textbook.

When he showed up late to the exam Wednesday morning he was seen wearing the same outfit from the night before.

Gray joggers and his signature Patagonia vest. A truly mesmerizing scent of red bull and beef jerky wafted from him. Traces of pen and highlighter could still be seen on his forehead. Incriminating evidence from his wild time the night before. No walk of shame is complete without some indication of what mischief they got into last night. —LYDIA CHRISTIANSON

A Shameful Escape

Man rumored to be That Guy From Your Econ Class seen stumbling out of Walter

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THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

GOLDY GOPHER

UNMASKED! THE LIFE AND LIES OF GOLDY GOPHER — FAMED MASCOT IS NOT WHO THE UNIVERSITY CLAIMS TO BE

By OLIVIA HULTGREN, CHRIS SHEA, AND TALA ALFOQAHA I l l u s t r a t i o n s b y MEGAN SMITH

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Feature

F

or decades, Goldy Gopher has been a symbol of school spirit and wholesome fun for students attending the University of Minnesota.

That all changed in the early hours of December 1, when Mr. Gopher was spotted being handcuffed and thrust into the back of a UMPD squad car.

The scene has sparked mass confusion, hurt, and even anger, and has left thousands of University of Minnesota students wondering, “Who really is Goldy Gopher? How did he end up this way?”

Here at The Wake, we took it upon ourselves to find the truth.

“It was frightening.

I was not aware this school had a mascot.”

“The silence was just Life of the party too deafening,” one of the Comstock front With no place to call desk workers wistfully home and no one to call a explained. “We couldn’t friend, Goldy dropped off take it anymore.” the public radar. Weeks His eviction occurred passed, and Goldy missed two weeks prior to the one spirit squad practice December 1 incident. after another. Soon, reports – Since then, a Gopher began surfacing of our football coach who ONLOOKER spiraling furry mascot wished to remain trying to get into various anonymous admitted frat parties, though his that Goldy had been sleeping on his couch. attempts appeared to be unsuccessful.

“It was definitely NOT ELITE,” he said.

Two unnamed members of the thriving “Work and home life started blurring Alpha Epsilon Sigma Fraternity recalled together. I found holes burrowed in my Goldy trying to force his way through the The beginning of the end floor boards, fur in my wife’s tilapia. door of their frat house on University NOT ELITE.” Avenue.

Our investigation begins on a cold The anonymous football coach “He just wouldn’t say who he knew,” one Saturday night, when an unnamed explained how Goldy could be seen of them explained with a shrug. witness spotted a striped figure stumbling scootering away from his house in the “Yeah, man,” the other one agreed. down University Avenue, clutching what darkest hours of the night, only to return “He was just, like, completely silent or appeared to be a blanket and pillow. It unannounced days later on an entirely something.” wasn’t until the figure began spinning its different scooter, sometimes even wearing Other witnesses who were at the same head that the witness was able to identify an entirely different jersey. party claimed to watch Goldy angrily the straggler as none other than “The final straw was seeing him in a shadow box with the two large cat statues Goldy Gopher.

Badger jersey,” the coach recalled as he that sit on the fraternity’s front lawn.

“It was frightening,” said the onlooker. “I appeared to blink back tears. “I can deal “I don’t think he knew that they’re just was not aware this school had a mascot.” with loss, but betrayal is where I draw the statues,” one witness who wished for After retracing Goldy’s steps that night, line.” her name to not be published said. “He we discovered that the popular U of M Goldy was asked to leave shortly after couldn’t even mascot had been prowling the campus the incident. streets due to being evicted from his home beneath Comstock Hall.

The eviction criteria?

Noise complaints.

party animals

Goldy was spotted celebrating the return of the Axe after the November 24th game with none other than his childhood friend, Bucky Badger. “The whole enemy act? That’s just for the camera,” Bucky said. “Bro really knows how to throw a party.”

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

Feature tip them over. I guess all those push-ups he does at football games aren’t doing much for him.”

And Goldy sightings occurred at more than just seedy house parties. In mere days following the lion incident, an individual who requested to remain anonymous but self-identifies as a very credible source said the mascot appeared at Sally’s Saloon.

“I’m not sure how he even drinks through that mascot head,” the witness said. “But he was definitely wasted.”

Later that night, this compelling witness explained that Goldy got into a fight with the bartenders because they would not let him use flexdine to buy a drink. According to our witness, Goldy proceeded to ransack the bar, diving past the bartenders to reach Sally’s supply of Vodka and Red Bull. Clutching several beers, Goldy shoved his way through a crowd of university students.

One student who refused to be publicly identified but definitely exists claimed that Goldy spilled beer on his very nice coral shirt. The student, who is not involved in Greek life, was furious.

“I was just jamming out to Jordan Belfort, and then I was like, dude! You just ruined my Vineyard Vines shirt!”

“My dad paid good money for that!”

Gerard P. Göfur And yet Goldy’s downwards spiral may not have been so newsworthy or unique from Britney Spears’ or our own semiannual crises during midterms if not for one damning bit of evidence that our team stumbled upon during the investigation: when searching through the police files on Goldy’s arrest, we found that the incident was registered under the name “Gerard P. Göfur.”

After contacting every animal clinic within a 500-mile radius and subpoenaing the mascot’s tax returns, we were able to confirm that Goldy Gopher is not, in fact, our beloved mascot’s true name. He

party animals

An unnamed source sent this evidence of Goldy’s–aka Gerard’s– rural childhood in Wisconsin.

was born Gerard P. Göfur in a small town outside of Madison, Wisconsin to a family of 13-lined ground squirrels. And his past is much more complex than we could’ve imagined.

misdemeanor over 40 times. And often, he pays the fines for this crime by using University funds.

Roads do not matter to this rodent, and neither does your tuition.

A litany of offenses As for what happened on that December night? Well … it would appear that Göfur’s Aside from the mascot’s former life in past finally caught up with him.

Wisconsin, Göfur is also a career criminal.

You see, over the years this staple of Upon the discovery of his original name, U of M football games had on several our investigation led us to a litany of occasions injured a number of students criminal offenses committed by the at parties. Most of this was unintentional, beloved mascot going back decades. but did follow a trend. People would see According to a complaint filed as Goldy at a party and try to get a high five, recently as March 2017, “Goldy” was but he would misread the situation and alleged to have traumatized children at a throw them through a window.

Gopher football game “He’s lucky I’m still after spinning his head on my parent’s health while a crowd chanted care plan,” said sheat him to do so. who-must-not-be“There’s no way a named. head should move like It was only recently that,” said the child that Minneapolis Police while fighting was able to confirm through tears. that Goldy was the one When reached responsible for injuring for comment, Göfur all of those people responded with silence. at various parties, Our investigation thanks in part to new also uncovered that innovations in DNA –FRAT GUY the university mascot technology. is a serial jay walker.

Goldy is set to appear In total, he has been before a judge later charged with with this this month.

“I was just jamming out to Jordan Belfort, and then I was like, dude! You just ruined my Vineyard Vines shirt!”

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Q&A with

P.J. Fleck

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

Q&A THIS UMN FOOTBALL COACH OPENS UP ABOUT HOW HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT HIS TEAM, AND WHERE THE TEAM IS GOING. By MEGAN HOFF Wake: How long have you been coaching?

PJ: ELITE. Wake: How long have you been with the Minnesota Gophers?

PJ: ELITE. Wake: Which has been your favorite team to coach so far?

PJ: ELITE. Wake: What is your favorite coaching memory?

PJ: ELITE… ELITE ELITE. Wake: Where do you draw inspiration and guidance from?

PJ: ELITE ELITE ELITE. Wake: What is your plan to make the Gophers suck less?

PJ: ELITE, ELITE ELITE. Wake: How do you feel about the U devoting millions of dollars to its sporting programs over academics?

PJ: [nods head vigorously] ELITE ELITE ELITE. Wake: Exactly, of course you wouldn’t have a problem with it. Have you settled into your $1.7 million home yet?

PJ: ELITE, ELITE.

PJ Recently led the Gophers to their first win over the Wisconsin Badgers in 14 years.

Wake: Who is your favorite Goldy?

PJ: [laughs] ELITE, ELITE. Wake: Okay, be honest now, is said Goldy your best friend?

PJ: ELITE! Wake: Do you own a pair of “Gopheralls”?

PJ: ELITE. Wake: Why don’t you wear those when you coach?

PJ: ELITE ELITE. ELITE. Wake: Do you know any other words?

PJ FLECK Is known for being a man of many words. He’s well known for his speech about the football team’s new motto, “Row the Boat”, inspired by his own life.

PJ: I AM GROOT.

THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Advice

8 Things Megan Markle Can’t Do As a Royal This issue of The Wake marks the six month anniversary of Meghan Markle’s royal marriage to Prince Harry. To celebrate the holy union of our favorite ex-compatriot and monarchist, we dug through the royal handbook to create a comprehensive list of all the things that Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, can no longer do: 1) Cross legs or wear pants in pants in public. Understandably, royal decorum deems the act of possessing legs for women to be improper.

2) Single Handedly Declare Nuclear War on a Sovereign Nation. To follow the royal family’s policy on personal nuclear disarmament, Meghan was forced to relieve herself of her modest arsenal of nuclear warheads.

3) Hang out with the Pope. The fair Dutchess of Sussex recently had to bid farewell to her long-time tennis partner, Pope Francis,

3

The Truth

About Becoming A Member of Britain’s Most Elite Family

3

due to the royal family’s longstanding beef with the Catholic church.

4) Vote. Contrary to popular belief, the Dutchess is able to maintain her American voting rights, however the royal dress code forbids her from donning the iconic “I voted sticker,” rendering the act of voting pointless by every measure.

Advice Column: Ask Esther Q: Dear Esther, I’ve really been struggling recently. Everytime someone waves in my general direction I think they’re waving at me, but it always turns out to be at someone else. I’m left crushed and defeated.

Please help, no one seems to understand my struggle!

–Sincerely, Socially Exhausted College Student.

Aquaintance doesn’t wave back

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

A: Dear Socially Exhausted College Student, we may not be willing to admit it, but in reality, we all know the apprehensive feeling that accompanies facing one of life’s most nerve-racking dilemmas.

You’re walking down the street when you awkwardly encounter a class acquaintance. You know them, and they definitely know you, yet you have never once talked. Suddenly, you watch as they look up. Their eyes brighten with just the slightest

5) Present a Royal House Elf with Clothing. With the recent shrinkage of the house elf market, the Queen has been extra-protective of the remaining family heirlooms. Her vigilance has only increased since sweet Princess Charlotte accidentally relieved the royal family’s long time house elf, Nigel III, by presenting His Servitude with her Sunday bonnet.

6) Continue Acting. This came as a big disappointment to all several fans of Hallmark Channel’s hit TV Movie When Sparks Fly when they discovered that she could not reprise her role as leading lady Amy Peterson in the upcoming sequel, Even More Sparks.

7) Go to the Indoor Trampoline Park, Skyzone.

8) Use google. Always one for the risky investment, reports tell us that the queen is still holding out hope that her search engine loyalty contract with Bing! will pay off soon.

—ADAM LELIGDON AND TALA ALFOQAHA

flicker. Their lips twitch. Instinctively, you feel your right hand slowly rise, but just as your mouth vocalizes that monosyllable “Hi,” out of their mouth comes something that’s not your name. You glance back in panic and realize they were looking at the person behind you all along. Instantly, blood rushes to your cheeks, and you stumble in a rush to vacate the scene of this tragedy.

Like the Titanic in the Atlantic, like the Hindenburg on fire—your heart and soul plummet. This is heartache and mortification like you’ve never known. It’s as though a shrivelled up shrapnel of pain has taken permanent residence within your heart, incapable of becoming whole again.

The suffocating darkness is all too palpable, but take it from a fellow survivor of such tragic travesties. Know that it gets better. The ache will fade.

The anxiety will dissipate. The overwhelming fear of greetings unreciprocated will lessen. Someday, I promise, you will lift that hand and form that smile with confidence again. And this time, there will be someone worthy of that beatific smile who will finally greet you back.

—ESTHER CHAN

Advice

Who Wore It Better?

The Lazy Student This procrastinating student stunts joggers that have been worn for 48 hours straight, a coffee stained sweatshirt, and Ugg’s that were fashionable in 2010.

The accompanying accessories include a chemistry textbook that hasn’t been opened since the Gopher football team won the Big Ten championship and a can of Red Bull.

The competing outfit involves saggy gray sweatpants, a graphic tee with faint traces of pizza grease, a flannel to cover said grease, and mismatched Converse. This student also rocks under eye circles and leftover drool from the nap they just took.

Although both outfits embody the quintessential tired college student, I have to give it to outfit #2; not many students can rock a pizza grease stain with such poise.

This outfit made me want to go home and listen to Beach House’s latest album and curl up next to my favorite poetry book, “Milk and Honey.”

The Student Athlete Outfit #1 screams “the grind never stops.” Maroon and gold is dripping off of every inch of this student athlete. This student flaunts a flashy maroon zip-up with Lululemon leggings. Their personal motto is all Nike everything.

The second outfit is simpler: a classic U of M tee worn on top paired with some black sweatpants on bottom. After a hard workout, there’s nothing better than chilling out in some sweat-stained active wear. #2 somehow convinced me to buy out all of Target’s “athleta fit” section, so they win this round of “Who Wore it Better?”

—NINA RAEMONT

The Art Student This outfit epitomizes the lattechugging, Wes Anderson-watching art student we all know and love. She wears plaid pants paired with a 90’s style graphic tee and complements the look with Dr. Martens. She carries a Moleskine journal in her hand and dons a Canon camera around her neck.

Outfit #2 consists of black and white striped pants paired with a classic jean jacket and sweater combo. Checkered Vans complete the look.

I would say outfit #1 truly depicts the classic Fjällräven Kanken backpackcarrying art student that has stolen our heart one too many times.

College Student Edition

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THE WAKE DECEMBER 03-17, 2018

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Advice

What is in My Bag?

The Dinkytown flat-earther empties out his bag for “The Wake”

“I really try to max out on pockets,” DFE tells “The Wake,” unloading the contents of his cargo backpack. As the area’s ultimate authority on fringe science, packing efficiently for the day can be a challenge.

When he’s not educating Dinkytown students on the ice wall, he likes to stay physically active and culturally engaged.

Warm for the Winter “Lately, I’ve been making sure to have a light coat on me for those days when the sun drifts far from Minnesota in its orbit around the Earth.”

High Marks “I always make sure to have extra sharpies on me for my signs. I am first and foremost an educator. What good would I be doing standing out here if I can’t keep my writing dark and my slogans current?

Things move so quickly in my area of study, I like knowing I can whip up a quick incendiary statement towards Buzz Aldrin on the fly if I need to!”

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Light on His Feet?

“Sometimes I pack negatively-charged removable steel toe inserts for my shoes.

It’s a well-known fact that a large magnet seven miles under the Earth’s crust is responsible for the ocean’s tides. What people don’t know is that the same magnet can reach up to street level and effect biomagnetics. Your mom telling you to stop dragging your feet? Blame it on the magnets.”

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

Sight for Sore Eyes “It’s nice to have binoculars on me, so I can watch the sun set due to Earth’s rotation. Ha! I joke. I’m actually an amateur bird watcher.”

The views expressed in this article do not reflect the views of the Wake Magazine —KELSEY BOLANDER

Top 5 Places To Hook Up On Campus

You don’t always have to be restricted to your bedroom.

Striking the Right Note “I can’t go anywhere without headphones. Sometimes the gravity of the world just weighs on me, and the music is a good way to tune it out.”

We all know how hard it can be sometimes to try and fit a make-out sesh in between classes, not to mention coordinating when roommates will be out. So I’m here to tell you the five best places on campus to hook up with your significant other.

1) Empty Classrooms Check out empty classrooms! You don’t have to be in class to take advantage of a free classroom; if a room is unoccupied, feel free to claim it as your own and get smoochin’!

2) Bordertown Coffee The renovated fraternity house might bring back some memories from freshman year and you can find a comfy spot on one of the couches that may have been left there when the fraternity brothers moved out.

3) Anywhere on the St. Paul Campus The St. Paul Campus already has so few people there, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find a place in one of the many many empty classrooms, library sections, or run down tunnels for a quick romp around.

4) The Campus Connector Can’t wait for the connector to take you to your hookup in St. Paul? Why not capitalize on those cushy seats and hop on for the ride (in more ways than one).

5) The Sub Sub Basement of Walter Library The chairs aren’t the best, but it’s almost always empty so you and your significant other can get some privacy. Pull a couple of chairs together or use a table and you’ve got a flat surface! Plus the lack of cellphone service helps get rid of distractions.

—LIZZIE RITCHIE

Advice

How to Get Your Crush to Notice You If you’re anything like me, you’re heavily introverted and haven’t had a love life since… well, ever.

You might’ve had that one date in second grade when you didn’t even know what feelings were, but now, you’re in college and feeling a little left out of all the happiness that a relationship can bring, leading to a heavy case of FOMO (the Fear Of Missing Out).

You’ve developed romantic feelings over that one person who sits next to you in your elective class that doesn’t really even notice your existence.

You’ve resorted to merely dreaming about what a happy relationship would be like: going on a movie date and pulling the old “stretch-and-yawn” tactic to sneak your arm around your partner, holding hands with them while staring at tombstones of dead couples, or French-kissing them at an election party after finding out Scott Walker loses.

Being alone is hard, so if you’re in this situation, here are four tactics on how to get your crush to notice you.

Don’t ask at any-old time… that’s creepy. Instead, wait for the moment the professor gives the answer in class to a problem, and then react like you thought you had it right, but were wrong. Snag the chance to ask them: “Ugh, I thought I understood this, but I’m really not getting it… Do you know how to do this?”

3. The Compliment Now this is where it starts to get tricky.

You can’t just comment on anything your crush is wearing. For example, saying, “Nice jeans” is not specific and downright sounds like you’re grasping at straws and/or are desperate.

You also can’t look like you’re hitting on them because that’s when you become sketchy. Compliment them on something they have that’s a little more unique or stands out. You could comment on their keychains, their lunch bag that has something nerdy on it, their laptop stickers, their scarf, et cetera.

Be natural and casual when complimenting them; you don’t want to appear super impressed.

That’s a signal that you need attention, and if I’ve learned anything in life, people hate others who are clingy.

4. The Subtle Showoff Do you think you’re artistic, or good at something that makes you “unique,” like everyone else?

Before class starts, subtly engage in that activity when your crush is around. For example, you could write song lyrics or drafts of a poem or pretend to read/edit sheet music if you think so much of yourself. You could even draw something on your notebook that’s bound to impress or show the bottom side of your “sick skateboard.”

Even if they don’t comment, they’re bound to notice that you’re focused on something. If you look like you’re focused on something, it makes you look like you have a life.

Remember, when trying out any of these strategies, don’t try too hard. These tips are to try to get your crush to notice you, not fall in love with you. Keeping your cool is key and appearing more than you are is of utmost importance. Good luck my fellow introverts, and for those who live without love, you will have your day soon.

—JOE KELLEY

1. “Oops… dropped my pencil” One tactic that isn’t too hard is getting your crush to help you in some way… when they don’t even know you yet.

Here’s an obvious example: if they’re sitting next to you in lecture, drop your writing utensil “on accident” toward where they’re sitting. If they’re nice, they’ll pick it up for you right away. However, if they don’t notice, you might have to pipe up: “Sorry, I dropped that, could you…?”

If they refuse to pick it up, forget them and move on because you don’t need saltiness like that in your life.

2. “I don’t understand ANYTHING in this class” One thing that makes anyone feel good is when you ask them for help to understand your homework. It makes them feel like they’re at least above certain people and not failing for once. People LOVE feeling superior—I’m looking at you, STEM majors. But you have to time it right.

Four Tactics

to use to get your crush’s attention

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Keep an eye out for our next issue!

December 17th at https://issuu.com/wakemag Find us on social media for more content and updates: wakemag.org

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DECEMBER 03-17, 2018 THE WAKE

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@the_wake